02x05 - Rashomama

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Mama's Family". Aired: January 22, 1983 – February 24, 1990.
Spin-off series revolves around the wacky misadventures of the Harper family, extended non-Harper family members and their neighbor friend in later seasons.
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02x05 - Rashomama

Post by bunniefuu »

[music continues]

Oh, Lord, Lord, Lord!

Oh, please, oh, please,
let my mama be alright.

Please, don't let her die!

Stop dramatizing.
Mama is not gonna die.

The next thing you know, you'll
be blamin' me for her accident.

Well, it certainly
wasn't my fault.

Well, it wasn't mine.

I hope nobody
thinks it was my fault.

I got here... [screaming]

- That wasn't mama, was it?
- Too tall, too tall.

I got here as soon as possible.
What happened to mama?

(in unison) She did it!

Suppose just one of ya
tells me what happened.

[indistinct chatter]

Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Just one of you. Skeeter.

Okay, well, we were all
in the kitchen with mama

helpin' her make gooseberry jam.

It was steamy as a
jungle in there, baby.

And the heat was
gettin' to all of us...

I don't know why they can't hold
these church bazaars in winter

when people can stand
to be in their kitchens.

Lord! Ugh!

It's a scorcher out there.

Eunice, where in blue
blazes have you been?

Just fine, mama, thank
you. And how are you?

- Ellen.
- Eunice.

Eunice, you look
like you could use

a nice, cool glass of lemonade.

I could use a beer.

At this time of day?

Now don't you
start on me, old lady.

I have been stuck out on Route

all mornin' with a
busted radiator hose.

And the guy from the
garage wanted to tow me in

but I said, no, uh-uh, you
better tape up that sucker

'cause if I am stuck out
there with those mason jars

and I'm late, my mama
would have a hissy fit.

I hope you didn't park your
clunker behind my Seville.

I have to be outta
here in minutes.

That's the first good
news I've had all day.

You two put a lid on it.

Lord, I can't take you and the
gooseberries at the same time.

Are you ready for the
sugar now, Miss Harper?

Oh, sugar. Lord,
I nearly forgot.

Thank you, sweetheart.

You better put in
two and a half cups

'cause these berries don't
seem to have much of a kick.

You sure you got these berries

from old man Peavey's
roadside stand?

I drove all the way out to
Route and back this mornin'

even though they
are cents a pint

cheaper at the supermarket.

Route ? Did you say Route ?

So what?

That means you
had to pass me twice.

And you never even stopped?

I never even saw you.

Mama, did you hear
that? I was out there

fryin' on the highway and
she drove right past me

in that air-conditioned
Seville of hers.


Oh, these jars
are full of spots.

I don't believe you.

She left me for
d*ad on the highway

and all you care about
is some piddly little spots?

Piddly? These
things got more spots

than a windshield in Alabama.

Oh, what if I had been hurt?

What if I had been
lyin' there bleedin'

and you didn't
even stop to check.

I didn't even see you.

And take my word. I would
know that dress anywhere.

- I'm gonna k*ll you!
- Oh, don't...

Ladies, ladies,
please, please, please.

Look, these spots come
right off if you rub it with towel.

Why don't we all sit
down and clean these jars?

Well, Naomi, you
are one sharp cookie.

What in the world
would I do without you?

Ellen, Eunice, get over here.


Well, I don't know when
I've had so much fun.

I've never done
anything like this before.

It's about the only thing
you haven't done before.

No, I mean, I'm havin'
an awfully good time.

I am positively giddy.

No, what I mean
is-is that it's just nice

to sit around the
kitchen like a family.

You see, I never had any sisters

and my mama wasn't very domestic

so it's a real pleasure
for me to sit here with y'all

just makin' jam
and cleanin' jars.

(in unison) Oh, stuff it, Naomi.

Oh, Naomi, what a sweet thought.

No wonder I love you best.

You're like the
daughter I never had.

Why is it my own girls
can't see the beauty

in sharin' a warm family moment?

I'm the one that
brought the dirty jars.

You wouldn't have this
warm family moment

if it wasn't for me.

I'd have given
anything if my own girls

had wanted to help
me in the kitchen.

Well, mama, that
is simply not true.

You'd never let us
near your kitchen.

Everything I know about cookin'

I learned from Chef Boyardee.

I didn't let you
girls in my kitchen

because every time I did

you'd either break
somethin' or make a mess.

Oh, oh. I hate to interrupt
this warm family moment

but I think the berries
are nearly done.

Oh, I believe
you're right, angel.

- They're startin' to bust.
- Uh-oh.

I'm afraid we're too late.
They're startin' to stick.

Oh, my Lord.
You're right, sweetie.

We'll have to transfer
these to another pot, pronto.

Baby, get me that stew
pot up there, will you?

She meant me, Eunice.

She said, baby.

She never called you baby.

I am baby.

(Thelma) Oh, for
heavens sake, ladies.

Please, now, think
of mama's jam.

- Oh, butt out!
- Alright.

(Thelma) For cryin' out loud,
somebody give me that pot.


Well, what the...


And that's exactly the way
it happened, baby, I swear.

Skeeter, you said that
just like you're on trial.

Well, she ought
to be, for perjury.

You don't believe her, do you?

He believes she's
a natural blonde.

Why, I swear on my
sacred bond of matrimony

that it is the truth.

I will tell you what
happened, Vinton.

Now, it's true, we
were in the kitchen

all helpin' mama to make the jam

and you know how forgetful
the poor dear has become.

Well, it was so hot out there

and she was really
feelin' the heat so...


Lord, it's a scorcher out there.

Eunice, where in blue
blazes have you been?

For your information,
mama, I was almost

splattered clear
over that highway.

Naomi, move it.

Ellen, get me a beer!

Of course, Eunice.

An accident?

Are the jars alright?

What the hell is
the matter with you?

You been sniffin'
them gooseberries?

I just told you I spent
the whole mornin'

dodgin' semis across three
lanes of public highway.

Ooh, isn't that dangerous?

Come here.

Look at me.

Are you in there?

I'm tryin' to tell y'all
that I almost had

a fender bender with the
angel of death on Route .

What time was this, Eunice?

The clock on my dash said : .

Funny how you
remember things like that.

That is funny.

I was drivin' out that
way myself this morning

on the way to Mr. Peavey's
and I didn't see you.

Well, I don't know. M-maybe it
was : , maybe it was : .

How do I know? I was in shock.

Well, even so, with
all that commotion

you'd think I'd see
you on the way back.

Well, in that case, Ellen,
since you're always right

maybe it didn't
happen after all.

Maybe I just made
the whole thing up.

Well, good Lord,
what is this green stuff?

That's the gooseberry jam, mama.

Well, it can't be,
Ellen. Jam tastes good.

Well, so will that as soon
as we put in the sugar.

Boy, if that old
lady gets any worse

we're gonna have to call
out the whoopee squad.

Naomi, did you remember
to buy the sugar?


Here, Eunice, pass
that over to Ellen.

Oh, you birdbrain, you
bought powdered sugar.

Was I supposed
to get the liquid?

Tweedledum and Tweedledumber.

Now, how are we going
to make jam without sugar?

I know. Let's just forget the
whole thing and make fudge.

- Yeah.
- No, mama.

You'd need sugar for that too.

Forget it! Forget it?

I spent all night
polishin' up them jars

and I nearly became a
stripe out on the highway

and you say forget it?

Oh, Eunice, these
jars ain't clean.

You couldn't get a gopher to
set up housekeepin' in here.

Those are just water
spots from my dishwasher.

Water bugs is more like it.

I found some
granulated sugar, mama.

Oh, Ellen, Ellen, Ellen...

weren't you lookin' for
some sugar for somethin'?

For the jam, mama.

Well, she just found some.

Hallelujah, the
day's been saved.

Good, now, let's just
take these dishcloths

and clean up those jars.

There is nothin'
wrong with those jars.

Well, how does this thing work?

I've never dried
a dry jar before.

I think you stepped
off one curb too many.

Hey, looky here,
everybody, looky.

If you use a dish towel,
these spots rub right off.

Where do they go?

Spot heaven, mama.

Ellen, don't you have
a tea dance to go to?

Oh, It's a tea dance, alright,
but I'm not going, mama.

What's a tea dance compared
to jam day with my family?

Oh, stuff it, Ellen.

No, really, Eunice

I think sometimes
our lives get so hectic

that we forget about the joy of
sharing simple family moments

in the warmth of mama's kitchen.

I know I'm sweatin' b*ll*ts.

Oh, what a sweet thought, Ellen.

No wonder, I love you best.

You are my firstborn
and you are my favorite.

Should have quit
while I was ahead.



I'll answer the door.

Those are the
berries, you nitwit.

Oh, the berries
are startin' to bust.

Goody, this is the moment
we've been waiting for.

Do I get to stir now?

Mama, I'm afraid it's too
late. They're startin' to stick.

You're right, we
have to transfer

these to another pot, pronto.

- Ellen, baby, get me that pot.
- I'll get it, mama.

I sure wouldn't want your
favorite to break a nail.

Now, Eunice, give that to me.

- Oh, no, Mama...
- Oh, now, please.

Oh, are you playin' a
game? I wanna join in.

Is this like Keep Away?

Remember, ladies,
remember mama's jam!

- Will you butt out?
- Okay.

- Just give me the pot!
- No, I won't.

(Mama) Oh, for cryin' out
loud, somebody give me the pot!


Well, what the...


And then we got mama
here just as fast as we could.

You lie like a rug.

You wouldn't know the
truth if it bit you on the butt.

Oh, now, now, now, stop
it, stop it, stop it, both of ya!

Your bickerin' has already
caused one accident today.

Well, there's gonna be bloodshed

if I don't get to tell
what really happened.

Now, Vinton...

you know how hot it
gets in mama's kitchen.

Well, I know tempers
was runnin' high

because I could
hear them fightin'

as I drove into the driveway.

And they was makin'
gooseberry jam

and I was supposed
to bring the jars over...

Lord, I don't know
why they can't hold

these church bazaars in winter

when people can stand
to be in their kitchens.

Good mornin', everybody.

It's such a warm, wonderful,
sunny, hap-hap-happy day!

Baby! Look, everybody,
my darlin' Eunice is here.

Oh, you sweet thing, you.

- Ellen!
- Eunice.

Hey, there, Naomi!

Hey, there, Eunice.
How's tricks?

Oh, that polish looks so nice.

Eunice baby, where
have you been?

We have just been worried sick.

Oh, mama, I didn't
wanna upset you

by tellin' you this, darlin'

but I was almost
k*lled on the highway

and that's why I'm late.
I hope you'll forgive me.

Good Lord, an accident!
Are you alright, Eunice?

Of course, I am, sweet thing.

And more importantly,
so are the jars.

What was it a rear-ender?

No, but you know, it
was the funniest thing.

I was drivin' right
along Route

just pretty as you please,
mindin' my own business

when all of a sudden,
out of a clear blue sky

this long black Seville
come up behind me

and bumped me
right out of my lane

and right into the path
of a gasoline truck.

Well, good Lord.

Luckily, mama, I
had my wits about me

and I was able to pull
over to the side to safety.

Take care, Eunice.

Next time, you
might not be so lucky.

Now that my darlin' Eunice's
here, I guess we can proceed.

- What do we do now, sweetie?
- I think I ought to taste it.


I think it needs some sugar.


Naomi, did you remember
to buy the sugar?

Oh, I never buy sugar.

Oh, Naomi, you
unpredictable, little scamp

what is all that?

Well, this is my
sugar-packet collection.

I pick 'em up in motels.

Each and every one
has a different name on it.

"Arthur's Hideaway
and Launderette...

you tumble, we dry?"


Well, that is disgustin'!

I can't take jam to
a church b-bazaar

made with X-rated sugar.

Now, mama, I thought
ahead just in case

and I brought some sugar.

That way, you won't
have to break up

your cute little
collection, Naomi.

Plenty more where
these came from, honey.

Oh, sweetie, bless your heart

you remembered the
sugar. The day is saved!

Oh, now, mama, give
credit where credit is due.

Everyone here
has done their bit.

In a hen's heinie.

Naomi ain't done nothin' but
sit here and polish her nails.

And these berries
that Ellen brought

just ain't up to snuff.

- Those are Mr. Peavey's best.
- Are you blind?

These things are more shriveled
up than old man Peavey himself.

Why can't you two morons
take a lesson from Eunice here?

Well, look how her jars
sparkle like diamonds.

Let me see.

Oops, how clumsy.

I've ruined the jars.

Well, this is just one
setback too many.

Oh, mama, don't worry,
just one little rub-a-dub-dub

with the dishcloths and
they'll all be sparkly as new.

Here you are, everybody.
Take one and rub.

Oh, a group rub.
Sounds like fun.

Isn't this terri-i-i-fic?

I just Io-o-o-ve it!

You know, I don't
think there's anyplace

in this whole wide world

I'd rather be than
to be here right now

just holdin' my mama

and bein' in the
warmth of her kitchen

just rubbin' jars with
my beloved family.

Oh, stuff it, Eunice.

Oh, Eunice, what
a sweet thought.

No wonder I love you best.

You are my third born
and you are my favorite.

Third time was a charm.

I am gonna be sick.


Oh, Lordy, it is so
hot in this kitchen.

Ooh, I can practically
hear those beads of sweat

poppin' out all over me.

It is the berries, you tramp.

Oh, looky, they're
startin' to bust.

This is the moment
we've been waiting for.

Oh, mama, it's
startin' to stick.

Oh, good eye, Eunice.

We better transfer these
to another pot, pronto.

Eunice, baby, get
me that stew pot there.

- Yes, mama.
- It's always Eunice baby.

Eunice darlin'. When does
Ellen ever come first with mama?

Ellen, this is no time

for another one of
your little tantrums.

- No, it is time for Ellen.
- Cat fight, cat fight!

- Let me in!
- Come on.

Think of mama's jam.

I don't give a damn
about mama's jam.

- Now, butt out!
- Alright.

(Mama) For cryin' out loud,
somebody give me that pot!


Well, what the...


And all because of her love
for me, mama's in a coma.

- Mama.
- Mama!

Miss Harper's ready
to go home now.

Oh, doctor, tell me, how is she?

She's still groggy, just
needs is to get a little rest.

Oh, thank you. We'll
take her right home.

(Vinton) Now, hold on a second.

There's one question
we got to get cleared up.

Mama, who was it
hit you with the pot?

I've never seen any of
you people before in my life.

Mm-hmm! I believe that's
the best gooseberry jam

you ladies have ever made.

Next time I make
jam with you bruisers

I'm gonna wear
a football helmet.

(Thelma) Who's gonna
help me with these dishes?

- I'll help ya, mama.
- Thanks, Vinton.

- Will you hand me that pot?
- Sure. Here, catch.

(Thelma) Don't
throw my... [clanking]

Well, what the... [crashing]

[theme music]
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