05x05 - Thinking Out Loud

[bunniefuu]

OK, Mr Ryland.
Would you like to take a seat?

Thank you.Just raise the microphone
up a little.

Hello, my name's Bill Ryland.

I'm 65 years young

and I'm looking to meet someone
special

for long walks, nice chats,
cosy nights in,

and sexual intercourse.

I can say that, can't I?

Er, you have to be a woman,

just to make that clear.

I've had quite enough of male
company, thank you very much.

Apart from that,
I don't have too many requirements,

although I did write a few things
down, just to...narrow the search.

Um...

No big girls,

no Eastern Europeans, no pensioners,

no loonies, no lefties,

no Liverpudlians and no lady-boys.

Anyone else, feel free to contact me
via the website thingy.

So what can I tell you about me?

I was married a few years ago,
but my wife passed away, sadly.

And I've found it difficult to be
with another woman ever since.

I think about her a lot.

Her name was Doreen.

That sounds like an old woman's name
now, but it wasn't then.

She had blonde hair, blue eyes...

She reminded me of Twiggy.

Not the early years
when she looked like a fella -

'70s Twiggy.

Like in the Marks & Spencer's
adverts.

We courted for six months,
then we got married...

...and then, a little while
after the baby come...

..things went downhill.

There were complications,

visits to the hospital.

I don't want to dwell on that,
but it happened

and it's part of who I am,
so you ought to know.

I'm not looking for a medal,
I just got through it,

that's the main thing, and now
I'm back.

Looking to start a new chapter.

I joined a gym recently,

got myself a personal trainer -
Nooh.

He's Muslim...
but we have a laugh about it.

We were just finishing Seniorcise
and he says to me,

"You got any plans for the weekend,
Bill?"

And I said "No, not really, no,

"but I might have a run out
to the RAF Museum in Hendon."

He says "Oh, I've never heard
of that."

HE CHUCKLES
Well, 45 minutes later, we're still

stood there talking about it,

and he chimes in,
"Bill, Bill, let me stop you there.

"You need to get yourself a
lady-friend.

"Someone to look after you
and listen to all your stories."

I said, "Where am I gonna meet
anyone? I'm not going on Twinder."

And he says, "Bill, you're in luck,"

and he's heading back
into the locker room at this point.

He says, "Video dating's
coming back, like in the '80s.

"I'll write all the links down for
you, it's dead easy.

"All you've got to do is keep it
brief."

So here I am.

Like I say,
looking to turn a new leaf.

So why not contact me?

Please.

Was that longer than 30 seconds?

We had some good news this week.

Kelly's best friend, Sophie,
who she goes to school with,

well, her parents
are both really well-educated,

really attractive and really
sociable...

..and they're getting divorced!

I said to Tim, "You'll never
guess what -

"the Smugs are splitting up!"

He said, "Oh, my God,
that's brilliant news!"

And he gave me a hug.

We actually high-fived
in the kitchen.

They'd invited us
to a dinner party last year.

She said, "Text me any Saturday
that works for you

"between now and Easter."

This was in November.

Tim said, "Oh, tell them
to f*ck off,"

but I said we couldn't, you know.

I wanted to do it for Kelly's sake.

And she said, "Mum, you can't just
air them forever."

I said, "What does that mean?"

You air clothes or bedsheets,
you don't air people!

It means blanking someone,
apparently. Anyway, we went.

Their house was like a show-home,
of course.

Not a thing out of place.
I mean, not like ours.

Ours is all wonky pictures
and muddy shoes

and crap on every surface.

I said to Tim,
"I know where I'd rather live.

"Our house may be chaotic...

"..but at least we're living
in the real world."

He didn't say anything.

Then one of the women,

some big streak of piss
who works high-up in Asda,

she said, "Ooh,
let's do our p*rn names!"

And we all had to go round the
table.

"I'm Lady Minchkin,"

"I'm Pumpkin McAllister,"

"Ooh, I'm Blackie Gough!"

Hilarious.

And then they turned to the au pair
who'd just come in from the kitchen

and said, "Alessia,
what's YOUR p*rn star name?"

She went bright red

and said, "It's Connie Lingus...

"..but how did you know?"

And then she ran out of the room
crying.

Well, she's Italian.

p*rn's like Bake-Off to them.

The husband laughed
and the wife, ooh,

she gave him such evils.

I should have known then
there were trouble at t'mill.

CHUCKLES

And then she said, "Nadia,
what's yours?"

I said, "Jaws."

She said "Jaws what?

"It's your first pet followed
by your mother's maiden name."

I said, "I know that.

"My goldfish was called Jaws
and I never knew who my mother was,

"so it'll just have to be
Jaws Blank."

Everyone looked down at their
plates.

I might have sworn,
I can't remember now.

And then the husband says,
"Ooh, who fancies some Eton mess?"

And Tim, bless him...

..said, "How did you guess
my p*rn name?"

And then everyone started laughing
again

and talking about f*cking
house prices.

So, anyway, yeah,

they're splitting up now, so...

..happy ending.

How did it feel,
talking about your mother?

Sorry, what did you say?

How did it feel,
talking about your mother,

the fact that you can't remember
her?

Oh, it's not
that I can't remember her, I...

..I never knew her.

See, I...I was an orphan.

Both my parents d*ed.

Nobody knows what happened.

It's just a mystery.

PRISON DOOR BUZZES

Is this thing on?

Hello, this is Galen J Landry
coming to you live

from the Jefferson Parish
Correctional Facility in L'isiana,

the Sugar State, mm-mm!

Ma'am, you know how long
this gon' take?

I already told you
I k*lled a whole bunch of people.

Y'all want me to tell you their
names? I can't tell you their names.

It ain't a kinda
"howdy doody" situation,

sticking a Kn*fe in someone's belly.

I can tell you the first lady
I k*lled.

Doreen Grace Landry.

She was my momma.

I was just a young'un, maybe 14, 15,

and I was in the house skinning
a little rabbit

that my daddy done sh*t,

when she comes marching in,
all ornery like.

"What you doin' in the kitchen,
Galen?

"Get that God-dang varmint
off my table!"

I said, "I ain't doing nothing
wrong, Momma. We gotta eat."

Then she starts striking me
about the head,

madder than a mule
chewin' on a bumblebee -

what you folks might nowadays
call "domestic abuse".

And something in my brain just
snapped.

I turned around, I held up my Kn*fe,

a big old L'isiana toothpick,

and I stuck her right in the bread
basket.

My, my, the look on her face.

When my daddy come home,
he was not best pleased.

I'd skinned the rabbit
and a little bit of Momma, too.

Kitchen was a mess,
Daddy starts boo-hooing,

talking about calling the po-lice

and being about as much use
as tits on a bull,

so I bashed his brains in
with the griddling iron.

Seemed the kindest thing to do.

The pigs did not go hungry
that winter, no siree.

When I went into town to get
supplies,

folks'd holler,
"Hey, Galen, where's your daddy at?"

And I'd just say, "Oh, you know,
he's working the land."

And then I laughed
cos it was kinda true,

seeing as he was now pig poop.

You ever eaten human brains, ma'am?

Kinda mushy, like scrambled eggs.

See, I like to get
into other folks' heads,

know a bit of what they know.

And that's why I'm smarter than
you...

..even though I'm sitting here in
chains

and you're the one
with the fancy video camera,

the nice husband,
the perfect daughter.

Oh, yeah, I know you.

And when I get outta this hellhole,
which I know I will,

I'm gonna come pay y'all a visit.

Treat you to some of that
Southern hospitality.

HE CLICKS TONGUE

HE GROWLS
Galen...

Hi, blogging angels!
Hi, vlogging angels!

This video is for any vloggy-virgins
out there

that want to pop their cherry.
POPPING

OK, so...

..for those of who you don't know -
hi, my name's Angel.

I am a social media influencer,

which basically means I get to share
things with you, my Angel Army.

Angel Army!

And the more followers I get,
the more influence I have.

Does that make sense? Anyway,
some of my favourite videos -

and judging by your comments,
some of your favourites as well -

are the Storytimes where I just...

Yeah, I get to tell you about my
life and what's been happening.

So grab yourselves a cup of tea,
put your phone on silent,

put your onesie on
if you want to feel all shnuggly,

because I have got the mother,
the mama,

the madre of all Storytimes for you.

Here goes.
SHE SIGHS

So, last Tuesday, I'd done
a three-hour social media blackout

as a fundraiser for...charity.

So I hadn't looked at my phone,
Insta, Twitter,

nothing at all, since 10am.

I know, right?!

When I put my phone back on,
all hell breaks loose.

I had so many notifications -

it was buzzing away
like my mother's Rabbit.

Don't tell her I said that, boo!

Do not tell her
I said that!

I'm crying!

But first of all,
I need to rewind a little bit.

Rewind!
CLICKS AND POPS

bit like this one,
but with the word "babe" on it.

Then, when I see my comments,

the first one was from a new
follower called GalenLandryFan -

which was not at all creepy,
given the fact

that he's that serial k*ller dude
in America - not cool -

and it said, "Hi, Angel,
love the T-shirt.

"You are a Babe -

"what a great film that was."

Well, I didn't know this,
but apparently

Babe was a film from years ago
about a pig.

A pig that talks.

Can you believe this guy?
Can you believe this guy?!

So I'm reading this and feeling
all these different emojis,

and somewhere, from my
sub-sub-conscience,

I get a voice telling me,
"This is someone you know,

"someone you've already met."

Oh, my God, I can literally,
like, feel the hairs going up

on the back of my arms!

Anyway, I'd posted a response
saying,

"I don't know what film
you're referring to,

"but I would advise you
not to mess with Angel's Army.

"You might think I look like a pig,
but let's see how you like spam."

So I'd screen-shotted it to Twitter,

asked all my followers
to repost it with...

He must have gotten, like,
5,000 retweets within the hour.

Thank you, guys, LUSMs...
BLOWS KISSES

So I just thought,
"You know what? Serves you right."

You can't go making jokes on social
media,

not when you don't know the person
and you've only just started

following them, like,
the day before.

So, anyway, upshot is

Galen got spammed, whammed,
thank-you-ma'amed,

and I think no more of it
and I go shopping!

If you wanna see my haul,
there's a "What's In My Bag?" video

with links to all the products down
below, so you can get the same look.

But when I get in my Uber
and I check my Story,

there's a DM from GalenLandryFan.

And it just says,
"I know where you live."

WTAF?

So, do you know what I'm going to
do?

I'm going to give him a piece of my
mind.

POPS

CLOCK TICKS

Your mother brought me breakfast
in bed this morning.

I said, "I should be doing this
for you."

She said, "Well, I was up early.

"Next door's dog was howling again,
probably the milkman."

I said, "For your information,
darling,

"the milkman comes at midnight,
not first thing.

"He wants it over and done with
so he can have a lie-in."

When I was little, it used
to be half-six in the morning.

You'd hear the chink of the bottles,

the whir and hiss
of the little buggy thing

as it headed off down the next
street,

and you knew then
you had to get up for school.

It's funny how some sounds
or bits of music

have certain connotations.

Like Sunday morning radio
with Dave Lee Travis.

My parents always had it on -
I could hear it through the walls.

He'd do a quiz-type thing,

and whenever anyone got a question
wrong,

you would hear,
"Quack, quack, oops."

HE LAUGHS

And I don't know why, but that sound
used to really depress me.

It was the Sunday-ness of it,
I suppose.

Big arguments with my brothers

about whose turn it was
to tape songs from the Top 40.

You'd get a C-90, put it in the
stereo,

and you'd hover with your finger
over the pause button,

ready to cut out all the bits
of Gary Davies or Peter Powell,

or whoever it was.

Anyway, none of this
will mean anything to you, will it?

I just...I want you to have
some sense of who I was.

After breakfast in bed, we went to
the hospital for your 18-week scan.

It was the miserable
Norwegian woman again.

The Valkyrie.

We asked if we could find out
whether you were...a boy or a girl,

and she didn't want to tell us at
first, but...

..after we explained...

...it turns out...

...you're a girl.

My beautiful angel.

As we came out of antenatal,
we bumped into Dr Wesley,

who did my last biopsy.

We told him...the good news.

"Congratulations," he said,
"do you have a name?"

"Yes," said your mum.
"It's Doreen, after Aidan's mother."

"That's a very fine name," he said.

"When's the big day?"

I said, "Hers or mine?"

And he didn't laugh.

Quack, quack, oops.

"She's due at the end of May,
and I'm due in the middle of March."

"Ah," he said.

"Rotten luck."

SIGHS

I hope that's what you were looking
for.

CLOCK TICKS

We've found a nice girl
to sing at the funeral.

If she's available, that is.

You can't book one in
like you can a Caesarean.

I've already lasted a lot longer
than they said I would.

It's the thought of you.

The tiny chance
of seeing your arrival in the world

is keeping me going.

Your mum is being a rock, as always.

I've been trying to persuade her

to sign up to one
of these dating sites, but she...

..she won't hear of it.

You know, I...

..I said in my first video...

Second video?

I can't remember.

..er, that I would die for you.

Well, it looks like I'm going
to make good on that promise.

But what I...

..what I really meant was I...

..I would k*ll for you.

If it were necessary,
if it meant keeping you safe.

SNIFFLES

There are so many good people
in the world...

..protecting you, wishing you well.

But there are some bad ones, too.

And, er,

when you look back on these
messages, if you do...

..then know this.

I'm...here.

Inside here.
LAUGHS

I...always will be.

Goodnight, my angel.

Hi, guys, it's Angel here

with a live - get this - live
AMA vlog,

which means you get to ask me
any burning questions

and I will do my best
to give you honest answers.

So let's dive straight in

and see if anyone's been quick
off the mark.

Yes! Briony Watkins -
hi, Briony! - asks,

"Harry Potter, Ron Weasley,
Draco Malfoy - snog, marry, avoid."

Oh, my days, I love these! OK, so...

Snog Draco, because we all know
I love a bad boy!

Marry -

Harry, because he's steady and
sensible,

and let's face it, girls,
he's head of the company,

which means avoid Ron.

Soz, Ron, babes.
I'm not ginge-ist or anything

and I would have an affair with you
on the side

as long as
Harry and Hermione never found out,

obvs!

Maddiepops - hi! - asks,

"How do you keep such a positive
attitude all the time?

"You're awesome."
Aw, thank you, Mads!

Well, as you lot know,
my attitude is #YOLO,

#KYHIG - Keep Your Head In The Game.

And that last one is so important

because, being an influencer,
especially in here,

can mess with your head so much

that you just have to drown out
all the negative sh*t

and tune into the positive, yeah?

One love.

Right, I have got to skip
to the loo, my darlings,

but please, please keep f*ring
all your Qs at me

and I will get my As in gear
as soon as I get back!

You get me? See you in a bit!

OMINOUS MUSIC

Well, now...
SNIFFS

..would you at look what we got
here?

A whole bunch of people asking
questions.

Kinda puts me
in mind of being back on trial.

"Why'd you k*ll them people, Galen?
Why, why, why?"

You know what I said?

"It wasn't me,

"it was the voices in my head
done told me to do it."

LAUGHS

Yeah, I played the crazy card,
and they believed it.

I sat in my prison cell
playing with my own poop

like a big dumbass ret*rd

till they said I could go
to a mental institution.

The judge said I was as much
a victim

as those poor folks I'd slaughtered.

Ain't that a kick in the head?

So I thought I'd take advantage
of the somewhat lax security

in my place of incarceration...

..and come and visit my Angel.

She promised to give me
a piece of her mind...

..and I'm here to collect.

Do you recognise
this man, Galen?

Huh?

The man in the photograph?

WOMAN, AS GALEN: No, I do not.

He look like
he done fell out the ugly tree

and hit every branch on the way
down.

Look again.

Do you think Nadia knows who it is?

Sorry, what...

..what did you say?

The man in the
photograph. Do you recognise him?

Diana...

Diana, have you realised that your
name

has the same letters as Nadia's?

And the same as Aidan?

Nadia, Diana, Aidan,

they're all anagrams of each other.

Like Angel and Galen,
two sides of the same coin.

They're all part of you, Nadia.

And the man in the photograph,
William Ryland, is your father.

When you were four years old,

you repeatedly witnessed your father
b*at your mother in a drunken rage.

When he found out
she was going to leave him,

he att*cked her so savagely
that she later d*ed in hospital.

This severe trauma created

a subconscious psychological
defence mechanism

we call dissociative identity
disorder.

Your mind split
into these different personalities.

Diana is the child who remembers,

but who was repeatedly told...

You haven't seen anything,
right?

Singing to herself
to drown out her mother's screams.

Galen is the persecutor,
an introject of the abuser

who holds all the self-hatred
and negativity

so the other parts of the personal
system are not aware of them.

And what thanks do I get? None.

Angel and Aidan are the protectors,

Angel tries to influence the system
to fight back against the abuse.

Aidan acts as a caretaker,

a constant source of love and
reassurance.

My beautiful angel.

There may be other fragments
of personalities

living in the same system.

This is why I asked you
to use the video recorder,

to help bring them all out.

And you.

You're part of the system.

I am the gatekeeper.

I try to control the switching
of the personalities

so you can function
without breaking down completely.

So that's why I have the
memory loss.

Indeed.

But when you discovered your father
was coming out of prison,

the trauma resurfaced.

And when we found him
online, I was like...

.."#Amazeballs! Let's contact him
and invite him over."

Are you sure
this is a good idea, my angel?

DOORBELL RINGS

What are we gonna do?

DOOR OPENS

Hello, pleased to meet you,
I'm Bill.

Oh, come in.

Thanks. Bit parky out there today.

Through there?
Yeah, just through there.

Have you come far?
Wandsworth, not too bad.

It's a nice place.

You live here on your own?

No, with my husband and daughter.

Can I take your coat?

Um, yeah, sure.

Thanks.

Er... You didn't say in your e-mail
you were married.

It's, er...

..well,

not what I expected, that's all.

But still, if you're comfortable
with it.

Ah!

Camden calling.

We're taking over
its legendary venues

for this year's 6 Music Festival.