07x06 - Wise Owl

[bunniefuu]

It's my sister's birthday today.

I'm six!

She got a new kite.

I promised Mummy I would watch her
while we played with it outside.

It's my turn now.

No, it's my present
and I want to fly it.

Oh...

[WHIMPERS:] Oh...

Don't cry. I can see
it up there. Look.

[BUZZING AND FIZZING]

It's very high.

That's all right.
I can climb up.

Twit-you. Twit-you!

Hello, Wise Owl.

Hello, Wise Owl.

Twit-you.

Only a fool would climb up there.

Didn't you see the warning sign?

Pylons k*ll.

Stay away from them.

I won't touch the wires.

That doesn't matter.

The electricity will be conducted

through the kite's metal rods.

But what about my present?

Hmm.

Let's see if our friend
the wind can help.

[WISE OWL BLOWS]

[WIND GUSTS]

Thanks, Wise Owl!

Thanks, Wise Owl.

Don't be a twit-you.
Leave electricity alone.

[TAP STILL RUNNING]

[CLASSICAL MUSIC ON RADIO]

[TAP OFF]

[RADIO INTERFERENCE]

Twit-you. Twit-you!

[CLASSICAL MUSIC RESUMES]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[DOORBELL RINGS TWICE]

Oh, hello. Is that Mr Oliver?

It's Derek Blenkin here.
I live on Deerfold.

You did my neighbour's
bobtail last year.

Dr Pepper.

Sorry, have I got the right house?

You do do taxidermy?

Right. Well, what it is, we've
just come back off our holidays

and we'd left our cleaner

to feed our daughter's
pet rabbit, Ferrari.

That's the rabbit, not me daughter.

Anyway, she wanted
to give it a treat,

and to cut a long story
sideways, she's accidentally

fed it a bag of chocolate
buttons and now it's dead.

Are you there?

I'm not supposed
to talk to strangers.

Oh.

Well, um...

...we've had it
in the fridge overnight.

My daughter doesn't know yet.
She's only five.

And I was wondering if you
could preserve him for us?

Ferrari.

She won't know the difference.

I'll just tell her
it's always tired.

My neighbour said
you'd do us a good price.

I don't need it all dressed up

and doing ballet
like a Beatrix Potter.

It'll just be in the corner
of the hutch covered in straw.

You'll barely see it.
It's just...

...we're not ready for the whole
death conversation yet.

We've got all that to come
with my mother.

Oh, thanks very much.

As I say, any discount
gratefully received. And...

...It needn't even have legs
if that's cheaper.

OK.

Nice to meet you too.

[RADIO HISSING]

[WINGS FLUTTER]

[SEA GULLS SQUAWKING]

One day on our holidays

the weather was so nice
we came to the beach.

I want to go in the sea.

Mummy to0k my sister paddling

and I started to make a sandcastle.

I was happy playing,
when a man came to talk to me.

He said I lo0ked nice and shiny,

and did I want to see a starfish?

I thought that sounded fun.

Twit-you. Twit-you!

You don't know who this man is.

He may seem friendly but his
intentions might not be.

[WISE OWL SQUAWKS]

What did your mummy
tell you about strangers?

That I shouldn't talk to them?

Exactly.

Don't be a twit-you.

Always stay safe with
your mummy and daddy.

Wise Owl knows best.

Mummy...

Mummy!
[WIND WHISTLES]

Mummy!

[BUZZING]

[BUZZING STOPS]

BOY: It's my
sister's birthday today.

I'm six!

She got a dol
a tea set and a kite.

Now we're waiting
for Mummy to get home

so we can light
the candles on her cake.

I want to do it now.

I know where they keep the matches.

Look!

[WINGS FLUTTER]

[SCREECH]

[PHONE BUZZES]

Hi, Mum. Ronnie?

- I'm getting ready for bed.
- It's only quarter past eight.

I'm calling you between Corries.

- Are you all right?
- Yeah.

I came round earlier.
You weren't in.

I've been busy.

I had to stuff a Ferrari.

A what?

It's someone's pet.

Oh. We had a cat -
do you remember?

When you and Joanne were little.

Mimsy.

We got rid of it in the end.
It made you wheeze.

And it had this way of looking
at you all superior,

like you were
just muck on its shoe.

Cats don't wear shoes.

Well, you know what I mean.

Anyway I'm just checking

that you're still coming on Monday.

You haven't been
in over three years.

You know what Dr Dinetto said.

He doesn't know me.

He doesn't know anything.

I can lo0k after myseff.

I know you can. I'd just like
you to be there, that's all.

For me.

Puss in Boots -
he wore shoes, so...

Will Dad be there?

I'm not sure.

I asked him,
but he might not show up.

You know what he's like.

I don't suppose
you've heard from him?

SHE SIGHS

We all deal with things
in our own way, don't we?

Promise me you'll come.

OK. And you won't...

...do anything silly before then?

Promise?

Promise.

All right, then, I'll call you
tomorrow, sweetheart.

Bye.

- I love...
- [HE ENDS CALL]

[SOBBING]

MOTHER: It was her birthday.

Why did you do it, Ronnie? Why?!

You knew it was wrong!

You mustn't say anything.

[SQUEAKING AND SCAMPERING]

[FAINT FLUTTERING]

[CREAKING]

[EERIE SIGH]

What do you want?

[EERIE SIGH]

Wise Owl knows best.

[INSECT BUZZES]

[lNSECT BUZZES]

[FAINT PURRING]

This is my sister's cat, Mimsy.

One day he got po0r and d*ed.

[CAT MEOWS]

I told her not to worry
and that he was in cat heaven now.

Don't want to let him go

I wish we could keep him for ever.

But that's impossible.

Twit-you! Twit-you!

BOTH: Wise Owl!

What are you doing here?

Have you children
never heard of taxidermy?

Taxi -what?

Dermy.

It's a way of keeping your
favourite pets around for ever.

Let me show you.

You will need...

...a scalpel,

some galvanised wire,

a scraper

and tanning chemicals.

Always read the label.

First, you need to
peel the skin off.

Make incisions around
the legs and tummy.

Then pull the animal's pelt
slowly from its carcass.

Then you remove the eyes

with the scalpel.

I can do this for you.

You can dispose of the body

in an incinerator.

Next, use the chemicals

to tan the skin for 24 hours.

This is a good time to play a game

or have a sandwich.

- Ew!
- [SHE LAUGHS]

Next, make a body shape from foam,

using wire to keep it in place.

Then, pull the tanned hide

back onto the model.

Like putting a sausage

into its skin!

Exactly.

Select glass eyes
to match your pet's

and gently force them
into the sockets.

Scrunch and pull it into position

and use a needle and thread to
stitch everything back together

and, hey presto!

Easy when you know how.

BOTH: Thanks, Wise Owl.

He's as go0d as new!

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Yeah, we've had a change of heart

and I 'd like to get
Ferrari back, please,

just as he was.

You haven't touched him, have you?

Um...

Is the real Mr Oliver in?

I were chatting to my neighbour

and she said
he's a gentleman in his 7os,

so that's not you, is it?

So who are you, then?

Eh?

What are you even doing here?

You'd better not have done
anything to him.

Who?

Ferrari!

Now, can I have him back, please,

or am I going to have
to call the police?

Thank you.

Oh, dear God!

What the hell do you call this?

It's disgusting!

What am I going to tell
my daughter now, eh?

She'll have bloody
nightmares if she sees this!

Bloody Franken-rabbit!

You want reporting! You're sick!

[LOUD WHOOSHING]

[FLAMES CRACKLE]

[GIRL SCREAMS]

[GIRL SHRIEKS]

[WATER BUBBLING]

[BIRDS CAW]

MAN: It should have
been you, Ronnie.

[HE SIGHS]

[HE SIGHS]

[DOOR CLOSES NEARBY]

[CLATTERING]

- [HE SIGHS]
- Ronnie...

Hi, Dad.

[BOTTLE CLINKS]

[MAN UNSCREWS BOTTLE CAP]

Here.

You gave me quite a shock.

Youtll have to give me the money
for that window, you know.

Cheers.

You shouldn't drink so much.

Itts only a nip.

I tve just come back from Pickering.

They had a t7os weekend
at the toy museum.

A few of the old buggers
like me wheeled out.

Ray Brooks.

N igel from Pipkins.

One of the Bungles -

not the scary one.

We had a laugh.

[HE SIGHS]

I dontt suppose
youtve followed my career

over the last 20-odd years?

Did they have a telly in...

...where you were,

or were you not allowed?

[HE SIGHS]

I didntt do much
after Wise Owl finished.

- [HE POURS DRINK]
- Couple of theatre tours.

N ice two-hander
with Jeff Holland.

Everything was a
bit tainted after...

well, you know.

They were thinking
of bringing him back

three or four years ago.
Computer animation.

- It would have been crap.
- [HE THROWS PHOTOS DOWN]

Anyway, it all fizzled out, so...

...I do this now.

Youtd be surprised how many people

want to preserve
something of the past,

- keep a memory alive.
- [GLASS CLI NKS]

Freeze-frame of a happy moment.
LAUGHS

The biggest thing
I tve done is a goat.

I spent nearly a month on that.

A little old lady brought him in.

- She called him Pan.
- [CHUCKLES]

Probably a witch.

Funnily enough,
I tve never done an owl.

I dontt think I td want to.

So, are you going to tell me
what youtre doing here?

Did your mum put you up to it?

You know what day Monday
is, don't you?

Monday?

Oh.

That.

She'd have been 50.

Really?

Time flies.

Did you get my letters?

Yes, I had a few.

I couldntt read half of them.
Your handwritingts shocking.

Did you never...

Did you never want
to come and see me?

Your mother said not to.

Said it would only make it worse.

Itts all water under
the bridge now anyway.

Come here.

You mustntt feel guilty,
you know, Ronnie.

It was just an accident.

I dontt blame you, if thatts
what youtre worried about.

[HE BREATHES SHARPLY]

It was my sister's birthday.

GIRL: I'm six!

She got a dol

a tea set and a kite.

Now we're waiting
for Mummy to come home

so we can light
the candles on her cake.

I want to do it now.

I know where they keep the matches.

Look! You shouldn't play
with matches, joanne.

Isn't that right, Wise Owl

[SNORING]

Wise Owl What?!

Joanne wants to light her candles

but I told her it's dangerous.

Twit-you!

What does it say on the box?

Can't you read?

"Safety matches."

Exactly!

They're safe.

If she wants to light her candles,
let her light them.

It's her birthday.

Thanks, Wise Owl.

Are you sure we shouldn't
wait for Mummy?

"Are you sure we
shouldn't wait for Mummy?"

Why do you have to ask
permission for everything?

Grow some balls, Ronnie,
for f*ck's sake!

- [SHE GASPS]
- He said "balls".

But... Wise Owl's always
right, remember?

Now, come on...

- [BOTTLE SMASHES]
- ..let's leave Joanne

to make her wish.

You're coming upstairs with me.

I 'd rather stay here.

Wise Owl knows best.

[JOANNE GIGGLES]

[MATCH FLARES]

Now, what?

I n there.

[DOOR CREAKS]

Sit down. Ronnie...

Sit... down!

[RONNl E BREATHES QUICKLY]

Why did you let me
take the blame?

Oh, letts not dredge up the past.

You said you were on your way home

from the pub when you saw
the house on fire.

You said you climbed
in through a window

and you rescued me.

You were the hero.

But that's not true, is it?

You were in here.

With me.

I think youtre remembering it
wrong, son.

I don't think so.

I had a career to protect.

I was the voice of
the public information films

and my daughter
gets b*rned alive in a fire.

Not very on brand, is it?

What was I supposed to do?

I trusted you.

I always did...

...everything...

...Wise Owl said.

That was just a game, Ronnie.

It wasntt doing any harm.

You enjoyed it.

I loved you,

and Joanne. Now...

...come on, come and join me.

Dontt be a twit-you.

Give your old man a hug.

Dontt hurt me, please!

Do you want to be
put back in that place?

Stop this now
and I wontt say anything. No.

But I will.

[RUNNING FOOTSTEPS]

Ronnie!

Ronnie! What did you mean?
Where are you going?

- To see Mum.
- [HE BREATHES QUICKLY]

I'm going to tell her.

T-Tell her...
Tell her what exactly?

Everything.

No, no, no. Stop the night here.

Letts just talk some more.

You cantt go.

Ronnie! You mustntt say anything.

Wise Owl wontt let you.

[AS WISE OWL:] And we must always
do what Wise Owl says...

...mustntt we?

Not any more.

Ronnie, stop!

Twit-you!

Twit-you!

Twit-you! Twit-you!

Get stuffed.