02x01 - Juiced!

[bunniefuu]

[CHATTER]

[CROWD]

Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you Happy birthday, dear Hannah Happy birthday to you [GUESTS APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

And many more [GUESTS CONTINUE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

[ALARM RINGS]

- [CHILDREN SHOUTING, SCREAMING]

- [GIRL]

Stop it! [SCREAMING]

[ELSA]

I knew it was a mistake to go.

[DOUG]

We can't stop going places because Sam has tantrums every time he's tired.

[ELSA]

Honey, it wasn't a tantrum.

It's more than that.

- [DOUG]

The pediatrician said he's fine.

- [ELSA]

I know, but come on.

[DOUG]

He's four years old, and four-year-olds have tantrums.

Isn't that right, little dude?

It's okay.

Everything's okay.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

[CLOCK TICKING]

[CLOCK TICKING]

Sam, honey.

Sam?

You okay?

It's Monday at four o'clock.

I always see Julia on Monday at four o'clock.

I know you do, but I made you an appointment for tomorrow, with someone new.

He sounds really cool.

- It says on his website that he does karate.

- Oh.

In the meantime, you can always talk to your old mom.

Open for business.

We can go out and get ice cream and gab.

- Like we used to when you were little.

- No, thank you.

[SAM]

You probably don't know this, but a hole the size of the state of Maine has been found in the middle of Antarctica.

[DOUG]

It's weird that she would write that, isn't it?

It's weird, right?

You wouldn't expect to find a hole in the middle of a continent, but you'd be wrong.

[ELSA]

It's over.

I swear, I I ended it.

That's nice of you.

[SAM]

Something that seemed so rock-solid, or, I guess, ice-solid Don't Don't touch me.

Okay.

What can I do?

[ELSA BREATHES DEEPLY]

You've already done enough.

[SAM]

And yet, impossible as it sounds that's exactly what's happening.

[EXHALES]

[SAM]

A giant hole.

And while scientists like to think they know something about it, they don't.

No one does.

[TAPS FINGERS]

It's a mystery.

Wow, that's a heck of a fun fact, champ.

[DRUMS PLAYING]

I don't think this is going to work out.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

His eyebrows were huge.

Like he was an arthropod using them as a tactile sensory appendage.

- God, it must be hilarious being you.

- Sometimes.

[ELSA]

We'll just find you someone else, someone with more reasonable eyebrows.

- Oh, Casey, good news.

- Oh, Elsa, I don't care.

- Why are you calling Mom "Elsa"?

- Your Clayton uniform came today.

I hung it in your closet to get rid of that factory smell, but it is adorable.

- It just It looks smart.

- [SAM TAPS FORK]

So, what do you two think of the roast?

Just for fun, I tried a new pre-packaged spice mix.

- Cheater.

- [SAM]

Why did you change the spice mix?

Also, Elsa, you carved it weird.

Dad carves it better.

When is he coming back?

- Do we call him Doug?

- No.

We're still Mom and Dad.

Yeah, that's a good question.

When is Dad coming home?

Well, he's at Grandpa's building the porch.

So, whenever that's done.

Well, I guess it's good that he's building a home, instead of wrecking one.

- Who wants more carrots?

- Hard pass.

I'm going for a run.

I've been thinking about it, and I really want to see Julia again.

I know she hurt my feelings with what she said, but I feel better now.

No, Sam, absolutely not.

- I'm sorry, we'll find you someone, okay?

- Okay.

His eyebrows looked pretty normal on the website.

Photoshop, Elsa.

["I'LL NEVER LET GO" BY JEFFREY AMOR PLAYS]

[PANTING]

Floating through the pain Like a windmill blowing [FOOTSTEPS DESCENDING STAIRS]

- It won't be long.

- Dad.

I told your brother I was going to stay with Grandpa and help him for a few days.

- I don't want to lie to Sam.

- I know.

This is It's just temporary until we figure this out, okay?

[BOTH SIGH]

They don't always show Once this starts to grow - I'll call you in a little bit.

- Okay.

- I won't let go - [DOOR CLOSES]

I'll never get go Yeah, that fixes everything.

[SIGHS]

[PANTING]

Maine is so beautiful.

It's just like Stephen King described it.

Minus the scary sewer clowns.

[CHUCKLES]

[SAM]

Paige, I'd like to discuss the handjob and its implications for our relationship.

Sam, my Mee-Maw is right there.

- [PAIGE]

I can't talk about this now.

- We have to.

I usually talk about everything with Julia.

You know you are never to speak that name to me.

But since I can't talk to that lady anymore and I refuse to go to the guy with the caterpillar eyebrows, who calls me "champ," even though I'm not a champion of anything.

I don't have anyone to talk to and it's making me a little jumpy.

Look, Sam, I'm I'm sorry that you're feeling jumpy.

And despite our truly magical igloo encounter, we are not boyfriend and girlfriend anymore.

[PAIGE]

I think we need to spend this time apart thinking about what we want.

And how [INHALES]

whatever this thing is between us fits into our lives and futures.

What?

Well, you mentioned the igloo, so now I'm thinking about the handjob again.

[PAIGE]

Sam, I gotta go.

It's family rap night, and the Hip-Hop Hardaways are performing Hamilton.

I'm playing all three sisters, so it's a lot.

- Okay.

- Okay.

[COMPUTER SHUTTING DOWN]

So, how are you?

[EXHALES]

Barely hanging on.

Mmm.

I really think that I've ruined my family forever.

Doug is still gone.

He's not responding to me.

And Casey hates my guts even more than usual.

I feel terrible.

Lying to Sam I just have no idea how I've messed everything up so badly.

- Honey.

- I just want to find Sam a good therapist.

- Or girlfriend! - I feel you.

I am so lucky that Kayla is seeing Dr.

Brob.

She wrote the book on working with young people on the spectrum.

I mean, literally.

I have extra copies in my car.

$17.

99 if anyone wants one.

Only a dollar more than on Amazon.

- [CHATTERING]

- Why would anyone pay more?

I've heard great things about Dr.

Brob, but she's not taking new clients.

I checked.

I wish I could help.

The only reason that we could get in is - our personal connection.

- We know.

- Did I mention - You did.

- She's my cousin's ex-sister-in-law.

- That's pretty distant.

- You're a hoot! [CHUCKLES]

- Hoot-hoot.

I can't believe that I decided to do this.

- [MUSIC PLAYING]

- I'm so not a private school person.

It just doesn't feel like me.

So what, are you gonna hide in the closet till high school's over?

No.

Look.

Hello, it's me, Muffy Fancypants.

- Care for a spot of pâté?

- Hey.

Muffy's hot.

Yes, I am.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Why was my toothbrush in the top left hole?

Hey, Sam.

Hi, Evan.

It's always in the top right hole, you know that's where it goes, - but it was in the top left hole.

- You're a top left hole.

Did you move it?

- Move what?

- My toothbrush.

I can't confirm or deny.

Don't touch my stuff! [LAUGHS]

- Um - What?

Maybe you should give your brother a break considering your family's, you know, exploding.

No.

All the autism research shows that it is crucial to continue to bust balls in a time of crisis.

It's part of his routine.

[EVAN]

Hmm.

- It's how he knows I care.

- Hah.

- You're such a jerk.

- Sam, you know I care, right?

- Shut up! - He knows.

You're a jerk.

- We should probably make out now.

- Yeah, we probably should.

Hey, you two You look cozy.

Mmm.

What?

I'm coming to see if anyone wanted a snack or something to drink.

No, we're good, actually.

Oh, no, that blazer's a little big.

You should let me tailor it.

- No thanks.

- Take it in a smidge.

- Please don't.

- Just a skosh.

Bye, lady.

Yeah, get out of here.

Sorry, sorry.

[DOOR CLOSES]

[DRILLING NOISE]

Did you know there's a giant hole in Antarctica?

Been a big year for ice-related news at the bottom of the world.

Random and possibly a cry for help.

[CUSTOMERS CHATTER]

- How's the therapist search going, dude?

- Terrible.

Screw it, don't get one.

Lean on your crew, Stu.

Me, your dad, your turtle.

Edison's got too much going on now.

New heat lamp, and my dad's been away.

I just need him to come back so everything can go back to normal.

Where's old Dougie?

At my grandpa's cabin, building a dumb porch.

- In the middle of the winter?

- I guess.

- Seems like the dumbest possible time.

- I wouldn't know, I never built a porch.

I mean, how would you even hold a hammer with mittens on?

Or is Doug a nail g*n kind of guy?

I don't know.

How can you tell?

Okay.

I can see that you need me.

So, you know what I do when I got to get my crazies out?

I text a random phone number with all of my problems.

It leads to some very interesting conversations.

Watch.

[TAPS KEYS]

"I cry in the bathtub at night.

" I do.

- And send.

- [PHONE CHIMES]

That one was to a group.

Try it.

I don't think so.

I don't enjoy intimacy with strangers.

We are very different people.

Okay, alright.

When I am really in my head, I put on my puffiest winter coat And I'm talking serious fluff, like, grade-A marshmallow.

I go to the batting cages and let the balls pelt me.

Does that work?

The results are inconclusive.

Just make sure to wear a cup.

I'll only make that mistake once.

- [PHONE RINGING]

- Ooh, I got a few texts.

Two "eat shits" and a "me too.

" Aww.

I just want to talk to Julia.

- Well, then, go talk to Julia.

- I can't, my mom won't let me.

You are your own man, Sam.

You can do whatever you want.

- You can wear pants backwards.

- Why would I want to?

I don't know.

Easy access to your wallet?

A zipper for your butt?

It's getting away from me.

But okay, if you really don't want to go against your hot mom's wishes which I totally understand, I mean, she is a wise tour de force.

Gotta keep looking.

Can't be that hard to find a good therapist, right?

[JAUNTY TUNE PLAYING]

So in that way, I wouldn't even call it therapy, as much as I would call it rap time with a friend.

[SAM'S HANDS TAPPING]

I don't think this is going to work out.

[JAUNTY TUNE CONTINUES]

[SAM'S HANDS TAPPING]

Okay, then.

[ELSA]

Oh, come on.

That is very funny, but Dr.

Robertson is not a rabbit.

You weren't there.

Her nose wiggled the whole time and she ate, like, 20 carrots.

Hey, Mom?

Why is Dad building a porch in the winter?

So it will be ready in the spring.

What is my toothbrush doing there?

[SURPRISED]

That's weird.

- Where are you going?

- Out.

I just want to go back to Julia, but you won't let me, so I might as well just give up.

Sam [PHONE RINGING]

[INSTRUCTOR]

Dancing march.

Opposite elbow, opposite knee.

Pressing.

Good.

Now dancing march.

- Hello.

- Hey, Kathy, it's Elsa.

Elsa! Hey, friend.

Just getting my jai ho on.

What's up?

Um I was wondering if you could possibly put in a good word for us.

- I don't know, friend.

- [ELSA]

Please, Kathy?

Anything you can do.

[EXHALES]

Well, I am seeing her later this week at jazz brunch.

[PANTS]

I may be able to talk her into it.

That would be amazing.

But I might need a favor in return.

What favor?

[DOOR KNOCKING]

What?

I figured the least I could do is return my uniform.

Who wouldn't want my ratty old shorts, right?

If there's one thing public school does best, it's reuse old crap.

- Mmm.

- [CHUCKLES]

So, how you feeling about Clayton Prep?

Fine.

- How you feeling?

- Fine.

How are you feeling?

[CHUCKLES]

- I'm terrified.

- Mm-hmm I thought so.

See, I found with teenage girls, you have to ask things three times.

That's one of the many things your kind and genies have in common.

I just I can't believe that I'm willingly leaving you guys.

You're, like, the most functional family that I have right now.

- Well, we will certainly miss you.

- I'm gonna miss you.

And I feel like this will always be my team, no matter where I go to school.

No.

- What?

- Gardner, I care about you, and the validation your success brought to me as a coach.

But you're about to wear another uniform.

So wear it.

And wear it with pride.

But wash it.

- Wash it way more than you did this one.

- [CHUCKLES]

What is that smell?

Onions and melted rubber?

Terrible! Terrible! ["DOING ME" BY RAY BLK PLAYS]

Sometimes I wear my hair down To my back Or I cut a bob and do it Into single plaits And if it's the summertime Maybe do a weave Always change my style Depending where my head is at Sometimes I wear my V-neck real low If I'm feeling sexy Then expect some skin will show Maybe wear a turtleneck If I'm feeling cold  [CHUCKLES]

Yeah.

It's my first day.

Some days I roll up In a hood and a trackie Turning up your nose 'Cause you think I look tacky I go to a Michelin meal in my Reeboks Ain't gotta wear my wares And be flashy Mom, where's my blazer?

Mom, where's my blazer?

Oh Um It's in there.

What the hell?

You m*rder*d it! No, I'm tailoring it.

And please don't say "hell.

" I told you not to.

I know you did, honey, but it was huge on you and I wanted to do something - I can't believe you! - Casey.

I read an article about repairing our relationship.

I'm trying to be more "parent" and less "friend.

" I'd prefer if you lay off both for a while, Elsa.

- Casey.

- You never wanted me to go to Clayton.

You're trying to sabotage me.

I start school tomorrow! I know, honey, and I'm sorry, but it will be done tomorrow.

I promise.

I've been really short on time.

You have time to cheat on Dad, you just don't to finish some alterations?

- What?

- [CASEY PANTS]

- Crap.

- You You cheated on Dad?

- Sam.

- This is why I didn't want to keep your dirty little secret.

I'm sorry, Sam.

Is that why Dad left?

- Yes.

- So he's not building a porch?

Well, he is staying at Grandpa's.

But he just needs space right now, from me.

This isn't Not about you.

Either of you.

It's really all my fault.

[SAM]

The hole in Antarctica is most probably a result of hot water bubbling underneath the Arctic Ice.

Invisible, but slowly destroying the ice sheets from under the surface.

Huh! I never met anyone who committed adultery before.

Sam?

Sam, do you want to talk about it?

No.

- Are you sure?

- Yes.

- No, thank you.

- Okay.

Honey, I found a really great therapist, Dr.

Brob.

I got her number.

I'm going to call her on Monday.

[SAM]

Inch by inch, one layer at a time what was once thick ice finally gets so thin I'll put it on the calendar.

[SAM]

it cracks wide-open.

Casey, toothbrush again?

- [SAM SHOUTS]

You! - Sam, I'm so sorry.

- Seriously, I did that before.

- I told you not to touch my toothbrush! Whoa! [SOBS]

My uniform - Casey! Casey Gardner! - [SAM SCREAMING]

- Casey! Stop it! - Get off! - Casey! - [CASEY PANTING AND SOBBING]

Sam?

Where are you going?

- Work.

- [ELSA]

Let me drive you.

No, thank you.

[ANNOUNCER]

This is the Denton University stop.

I'm getting off the bus.

Hi, Julia.

Hi, Sam.

You shouldn't be here, you know that.

[SCRATCHING]

Why don't you sit?

Just for a minute.

In the waiting area.

Don't worry, I'm not here to talk about love.

I don't love you anymore, I don't think.

There was a handjob, a lot has happened.

[SILENTLY MOUTHS]

Oh.

Looks like you might want to talk.

I can't see you anymore, but I can help find someone else to talk to.

I can call my coworker.

Did you know there's a hole in the middle of Antarctica the size of Maine?

[JULIA SIGHS]

Is that how you're feeling lately?

Like there's a hole in your life?

Casey moved my toothbrush.

And we fought, hitting each other.

Well, she hit me.

I kind of just became a potato bug.

Oh! You feeling okay?

I don't know how I feel.

Well, sometimes that's okay too.

First I thought I was mad about the toothbrush, but maybe I was mad because Casey lied to me about my mom having an affair, or maybe I was mad because my mom had an affair and my dad doesn't live at home anymore, and I need my dad to live at home.

Actually, I think it was the toothbrush.

Wow.

Um Okay.

[JULIA SIGHS]

You know, Sam, I'm proud of you.

For fighting with Casey?

That makes no sense.

No, but a year ago you wouldn't have been able to be so calm and articulate after a stressful incident like that.

I really believe, whatever is going on, you can handle it.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

I'm gonna send you a recommendation for a wonderful therapist.

No, I've tried pretty much every therapist in town, even that rabbit.

They're all garbage.

I need you.

Well, I'm sorry, but that can't happen.

It wouldn't be right for either of us.

I know.

My mom didn't want me to come here either, but I'm my own man.

I can wear my pants backwards.

Thank you for being my therapist, except for when you yelled at me and made me have a meltdown on the bus.

Everything else was good.

[JULIA SIGHS]

You're welcome.

And sorry for that time.

Maybe you can be my therapist again someday.

I don't think so.

But maybe.

- [DOOR KNOCKING]

- Go away, Elsa! It's me.

Dad.

Mom called.

I'm sorry I wasn't here.

Me too.

You alright?

This is my fault.

I never should've wrote that note - about Mom on the board.

- No.

It's not your fault, okay?

[SNIFFS]

It's not your fault.

- Alright, sweetie?

- [CASEY SNIFFS]

It was a little stupid, but you're a teenager, you know?

That's what That's what teenagers do.

I'm sorry I let you down.

- I never should have fought with Sam.

- It's okay.

Looks like he got some sh*ts in, huh?

[CHUCKLES]

- Actually, I think that I punched myself.

- Yeah, your brother didn't b*at you up?

[CHUCKLES]

No.

It's okay, sweetie.

Alright?

- I love you.

- I love you, Dad.

[ELSA]

Ahh! There you are, I've been calling your cell.

Are you okay?

How was work?

I was 46 minutes late to work because we passed Julia's stop on the bus.

So I decided to get off to see Julia.

So I saw Julia.

What?

I saw Julia.

I've said it two times now.

Honey, I know you might be angry with me, but I specifically told you not to see her.

I don't know if I'm angry with you.

I don't know how I feel.

- But that's okay sometimes.

- Okay.

So how was it seeing her again?

- Honey, talk to me.

- No.

- Dad! - Hey.

- You're back?

- I'm back.

Good.

You missed a lot.

We got this ugly new Merry Christmas sign and Casey told me that Mom cheated.

Yeah.

Oh, and Mom changed the spice rub.

Bad idea.

So you're back.

Yeah, I'm coming home.

- Oh, honey - So you need to leave.

What?

- Don't be silly.

I can't leave the kids.

- Neither can I.

[STAMMERS]

I've been gone a few days, and this is what's happening?

They're attacking each other?

- Sam hasn't done that in years.

- I know, but I made the mistake of leaving the family once before, I'm not doing it again.

- Then let's both stay.

- No.

- I can sleep on the couch.

- No.

- We can work through everything.

- I can't be around you.

- Doug.

- I can't.

- Please.

- Do you want me to tell you how much you disgust me?

You disgust me.

Um Okay, I'll I'll leave in the morning.

It's probably best if you leave tonight.

[DOUG TAKES DEEP BREATH]

- [DOOR KNOCKING]

- Yeah?

You got me a new toothbrush and you put it in the right hole.

Yeah, Mom has, like, a million spares.

Sam I'm really sorry.

I know.

I used my employee discount to get you these mechanical pencils for your first day of school.

Seven millimeters.

I know that's your preferred lead width.

Thank you.

You didn't have to do that.

I'm your big brother.

I can take care of you sometimes too.

[DOOR CLOSES]

[DOOR BELL]

Hi, here's the baby.

Thank you so much for watching her.

We will be back on Tuesday.

Her eye drops are in this bag.

Twice a day, easy-breezy.

There you go, little monkey.

Oh, yes! And I will make sure to talk to Tamara for you.

Dr.

Brob, I mean.

To me, she's just Tamra.

Anyway, gotta run.

Chris is in the car waiting.

Bye, my little cutie-shmootie.

[CHUCKLES]

Be good to her or I'll k*ll you.

I'm kidding, I won't k*ll you.

No, I will k*ll you.

Have a good one! ["DISASTER" BY THE MYNABIRDS PLAYS]

I got, I got your back I promise to keep you from going under The walls, the walls caved in And the sky came tumbling after And the minute we thought We were out of the wreck Came another great Disaster, collisionÂ