02x06 - In the Dragon's Lair

[bunniefuu]

[WOMEN CHUCKLING]

How could you not know that?

I was meeting her for the first time, I didn't know what she looked like.

We didn't care if it was going to be a boy or a girl, but I'm so happy it's a boy.

- They can be best friends.

- I love that.

- Hey, buddy, say hi to your best friend.

- Yeah, here.

High five.

They're gonna high five.

[LADIES GRUNTING]

You know what we should do?

Family camping trips.

Always wanted to be one of those families that goes on camping trips with friends.

We can get a little stove, and we can cook gourmet meals.

- Yes, I love this idea.

- It just sounds like so much work! What about hotels?

I like hotels.

- Baby Sam is going to love camping.

- Wait.

- You guys picked a name?

- Samuel.

We're naming him after Elsa's dad.

- Should we tell you ours?

- Yes.

Okay.

- [EXHALES]

His name is going to be - Arlo.

- Arlo - Arlo! - Arlo is such a shitbag! - Casey.

- No, she's right.

That kid is a shitbag.

- Yep! Shitbag or not It just does feel gross to say that out loud.

- I find it invigorating.

"Shitbag.

" - We have to handle this calmly.

I am gonna calmly go over to his house and bash his pea-head in with a shovel.

[SAM]

It's always difficult to emerge into the world.

This much is true: Somebody has to k*ll that kid.

Just a fact.

I know you're being facetious, but it's not helping.

Could you all be quiet?

[SAM]

That's why you need your family.

I'm trying to hear her first peeps.

Well, I'm going to sit on you like an egg.

- No.

Do not sit on me like - Yep.

Don't! Stop sitting on me like an egg.

I'm not an egg.

[CASEY CHIRPING LIKE A BIRD]

Hi, Paige.

[STUDENTS CHATTERING]

Samuel.

How's your finger?

The one you cut off, I mean.

I know which one you meant.

And it's fine.

Thank you.

There's going to be a scar, but what influential woman doesn't have a story of pain in her past?

Okay.

Well, I wanted to say that I'm sorry, and that I feel bad that I lied.

I'm not actually doing lots of sex stuff with other ladies.

I'm not doing any sex stuff with any ladies.

I know.

I did a deep dive on social media, but it's still nice to hear from the horse's mouth.

Is that an insult or a phrase?

A phrase.

I'll add it to the list.

[UNZIPS SCHOOLBAG]

I got you this for your phone.

I thought it would help you with typing, since your finger's bandaged.

[SIGHS]

A stylus.

Huh! Dammit, Sam.

Yeah, I really wanted to stay mad at you this time, but fine! I accept and I also forgive you.

- Okay, good.

- But I do have a favor to ask.

You may or may not know this, but I'm a sleepwalker.

- I didn't know that.

- Oh, yeah.

My mom says it's because I have so much get-up-and-go that I can't stay still even while I'm sleeping.

One time I actually cleaned both bathrooms fast asleep.

But I'm a little bit worried about the senior lock-in.

The entire class spends the night of graduation locked inside the school.

I just I need someone to watch me while I sleep, so I don't end up wandering off somewhere.

You want me to stay somewhere else overnight?

Yes.

- You said no?

- Of course.

It's a sleepover with, like, 100 girls.

They're basically begging you to bone.

I didn't see anything about boning on the flyer.

Besides, even if I wanted to go, I couldn't.

In order to sleep, I need to be rolled up like a burrito in my own bed.

I feel that.

Bunny likes his den, mousey likes his mouse hole, booger like his nostril.

But you're going to go to college at some point and that's like 1,000 nights away from home.

First off, your math is off.

It wouldn't be 1,000 nights.

It would be roughly 180 days a year, which equals - 720 days.

- Okay.

All I'm trying to say is, it might be good to practice sleeping somewhere else.

- Like a practice expedition?

- Indeed.

Hey, crash at my place.

My roommates are the dopest.

And if you get overwhelmed, I'll just drive you home.

No sweat off my balls.

- Why are you changing your shoes?

- These are my poop shoes.

That way no one knows it's me in the bathroom, 'cause they don't see my shoes under the stall.

- Those look like Bob's shoes.

- Exactly.

Always thinking.

See ya.

[MACHINE BUZZING]

Gosh.

We haven't used that thing in years, I'm surprised it still inflates.

You know, you really don't need to sleep out here.

It's drafty, right?

I mean, I'm fine sleeping on the couch.

No, it's okay.

I like having the space.

Well, in that case sun room care package.

Blankets, because the ones you grabbed are scratchy.

Space heater, for heat and white noise.

Eye mask, so in the morning, if it's too bright and a night light in case at night, it's too dark.

Elsa, I'm a grown man.

I don't need a night light.

Okay.

Okeydoke.

So, I just got off the phone with Holly Sykes, and I'm going to go over there and talk about what happened between Arlo and Sam.

Well, why you?

- What?

- Why you?

I can advocate for Sam.

I've been doing it the entire time you've been gone.

Okay, so you want to go talk to them?

It makes more sense.

I'm still friends with Theo, you haven't been close to Holly in what, ten years?

Twelve and a half.

Exactly.

Okay, you're right.

We'll both go, we're both his parents.

Fine.

Okay.

I am going to leave the night light, just in case.

It's the only thing I can find, hoss.

Smurfette.

[TYPING ON MOBILE PHONE]

[SAM]

Baby penguins are most vulnerable their first few weeks of life.

- Hey.

- Hi.

[SAM]

Their juvenile feathers haven't come in yet, so they're just little balls of fluff.

He's such a d*ck! He was yelling and throwing things and I was like, "Dude, leave!" But whatever.

I'm not scared of that assh*le.

- What about the kids?

- I took them to my grandma's.

But she doesn't have a lot of room, so Oh, you're staying here.

Okay.

Thank you.

[DOOR UNLOCKING]

Sam, this is Izzie.

- Izzie, this is Sam.

- No time.

I'm busy.

Seems like he likes you.

What are you doing?

- I'm packing my things.

- Why?

You don't go places.

I'm going to sleep over at Zahid's to learn how to do it, for when I go to the senior lock-in, and college, and eventually Bonetown.

You know, that actually sounds like a not-terrible idea.

I thought so too.

I think I have everything.

- Edison.

Should I bring Edison?

- No, leave the turtle.

[IZZIE AND SAM]

Tortoise.

Nerds.

But I need Edison.

What if I can't sleep without the sounds of his little feet on the glass, or the smell of his food wafting through the t*nk vent?

Maybe this is a bad idea.

Maybe I shouldn't go.

- Sam - Why don't you leave Edison here, where he's comfortable?

But bring his container of food, so that way if you miss him or you feel nervous you can just smell it.

Olfactory senses are the greatest memory stimulant of all the senses.

That's not a bad idea.

- Your name is Izzie?

- Yeah.

Hm.

Well, that's everything.

- You'll be okay without me?

- Yes, I'm sure I'll manage.

Bye.

- I'm glad you like Sam.

- What's not to like?

He's cool.

Is this your room?

I wonder if they've done anything new to the house?

Well, Theo told me they built out the master bath.

Nice.

Do me a favor and just please don't bring up whatever it was that happened.

Whatever it was that happened?

You know what happened.

They didn't invite us to a party or something, right?

No.

I can't believe you don't remember.

They took my idea of a family camping trip, and then they excluded us.

We went a few times, right?

Yeah.

And then when Sam got too difficult, they stopped inviting us and started inviting other families.

But he hated it.

We probably would have stopped going anyway.

Yeah, that's not the point.

It should have been our decision.

Just seems like a pretty lame reason to end a friendship.

Well, you were pretty on board at the time.

No, I wasn't.

I just let you make all the decisions.

[SAM]

Penguin chicks typically require attentive parents for survival, but in some species, partially grown chicks will gather in groups called crèches Samantha, this is my castle.

[SAM]

which provide protection from predators and the elements.

- It's nice to have a crèche.

- Sam, meet the roommates.

We are his parents.

But, we live together, so technically we're being taken advantage of by our own son.

Your words cut deep, woman.

- Call me Umi or start paying rent.

- I'll get the food, Umi.

Sam, we are so excited you are here.

- Yes.

- We heard so much about you.

You have really helped our boy.

Since he met you, he is sweeter, more conscientious.

Well, Zahid's the one that helps me.

Your son is the wisest person I know.

- Wise?

- A wise-ass, maybe.

I mean, he certainly has potential, but he has never been really focused.

Well, he's very focused when it comes to girls.

It doesn't matter what he's doing, if a hot girl walks in the store - he'll completely abandon his work - Okay, let's eat.

Let's eat.

I hope you don't mind, Sam, but I called your mom to see what your favorite meal is.

- Oh, God, that's hot.

- Butter noodles?

We're all excited you're sleeping over.

It's so impressive that you're practicing for college.

- I wish Zahid had gone to college.

- Okay, enough about that.

- How are the butter noodles?

- The second best I've ever had.

Oh, thank you.

- [CHUCKLES]

Gardners.

- Hey.

Come in, please.

- So good to - Oh, you too.

- Hi.

- Hi.

Can I get anyone a beverage?

White wine dark beer.

- Yep.

- I remember.

- Why don't Come in, sit down.

- Yes.

Oh, new fireplace, huh?

Just new stones.

Pretty.

Okay.

- First we want to apologize.

- We are so sorry and feel so awful and embarrassed about how Arlo acted.

Here's a check for Sam.

And we got him a new phone.

Oh, wow.

This is not necessary.

Sam, he just replaced the screen at Techtropolis for free.

- Keep it, really.

- We just we feel awful.

You know how Arlo's always had behavioral issues, ever since he was little.

We we took him to therapy a few years back, but it didn't help.

We spoiled him, that's what it is.

[DOG BARKING FAINTLY IN DISTANCE]

I'm just going to go ahead and say it we miss you guys.

And us not being friends is just stupid.

[CHUCKLES]

[CASEY]

"And this was so exquisitely stupid, he didn't dare tell anyone that while he was feeling for the light switch, some horrible, clawed paw - would settle lightly over his wrist " - Okay, stop.

I can't do it.

No, keep reading.

- No, I'm stopping.

It's too scary.

- [BOTH LAUGHING]

Thank you for building this ridiculous fort, and reading me scary books just to keep my mind off of what's going on.

Yeah.

We can stay in here forever if you want.

We can pee in the can, do college classes online.

- We can - Oh, yeah?

you know, get old here and get a couple cats.

[CHUCKLES]

- Newton?

- Yeah.

This might sound lame, but you're, like, my new favorite person.

Really?

Yeah.

[CHUCKLES]

Is that tragic since we just met a little while ago?

No.

You're my new favorite person, too.

But don't tell Sharice 'cause she will k*ll you.

Got it.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Welcome to the dragon's lair, homie.

I did my best to soundproof the digs.

For example, put a cover on that mattress, so it doesn't make sound in the night.

And I borrowed that fancy smell-maker from my roommate - Your mom?

- My roommate to make the room smell nice.

I figured you'd like eucalyptus.

Like koalas.

Yes.

Yeah.

Last but not least, lighting.

Feel the bromance.

My roommates sold my lava lamp on Craigslist, so this will have to do.

[CAT STATUE TICKS]

[HEATER BUZZES]

[VAPORIZER HISSES]

[ZAHID SNORING]

- [TV SHOW CHATTERING]

- [TICKING]

[TV SHOW CHATTERING]

[BUZZES]

[TICKING]

Wow, that's a lot of trophies.

Yeah, it's silly to put them all up, but I think Arlo's proud of them.

- So - No, I'm sure he is.

So does Sam play sports or ?

No, he's much more into art and biology.

Oh, a smartypants.

Yeah, he is.

In fact, tonight he's having his first sleepover ever.

I mean, it's a little late, but you know, we're just so proud of him.

Hey, I see the camping trips are still going strong.

It was a shitty thing to do.

What?

We never should have stopped inviting you on those trips.

I felt bad about it, forever, and I just didn't know how to It just felt like too much time had [SIGHS]

Anyway, I'm sorry.

It's okay.

Yeah?

Yeah.

- They seem to be getting along.

- Good.

This thing has gone on long enough.

I mean, who cares about a silly camping trip that happened over ten years ago?

Exactly.

And you know, to be honest, it makes sense Holly and the kids didn't want to hang around Sam.

I mean, he was a little off back then.

What?

You know, always yelling and making a scene.

He was hard to deal with.

Never mind, it's all good.

How about another drink?

[WOMEN YELLING ON TV SHOW]

[GLASS BREAKS]

Did I leave that on?

Sorry, Sammy.

[TICKING]

Sam?

[HUMMING AND TAPPING]

- [POLICE HORN]

- Hey.

[SAM]

If a baby chick separates from its crèche it could freeze to death, or be eaten by a variety of different predators.

[POLICE OFFICER]

Hey! What are you up to tonight?

Chinstrap, Emperor, Gentoo - Been drinking or doing dr*gs?

- Adelie, Chinstrap, Emperor, Gentoo.

- Adelie, Chinstrap, Emperor, Gentoo - Hey.

Hey, I'm talking to you.

Adelie, Chinstrap, Emperor What you been taking?

You tweaking?

[SAM]

Some are even kidnapped by other adult penguins.

Hey, stop! - Sam.

Sam! - Whoa, hey! - It's okay, he has autism.

- You need to step back.

- You don't get it, it's - I said get on the ground.

[OFFICER SHOUTING]

Get on the ground! [SAM]

It's a scary world out there.

- Yeah.

- [KNOCKING AT DOOR]

It's Pennywise.

No.

[CHUCKLES]

I forgot I texted Nate.

- No.

- Yeah, I know, I'm sorry.

He's going to ruin the girl time.

Let's pretend we're not here.

We're not home.

Open the door, you dummies.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

He's gonna make so much fun of us for making this fort.

Oh, my God.

Well, boys ruin everything.

Okay, what do we do?

- Invite him in, I guess.

- We can watch a movie.

- You'll fall asleep.

- No, I won't.

Every time.

So, how are things with the boyfriend?

The boyfriend?

You know his name.

I'm sorry.

How are things with Evan?

Why are you saying it like it's a fake name, weirdo?

[NATE CHUCKLES]

I don't know, 'cause I'm suspicious of him 'cause I'm protective of you.

That's nice.

And unnecessary.

- And sort of sexist.

- Thank you.

But yeah, I don't know.

Things are weird.

Well, we're here, if you need someone to talk to.

Or, I'm here.

Clearly, this one can't make it past 9:30.

[CASEY LAUGHS]

You guys are awesome.

Thank you for being my first friend at Clayton.

What are you - What are you doing?

- Come on, there's something between us.

Friendship! You're my friend's boyfriend.

I know, but you can't blame me for being a little confused.

Let me clear this up for you.

This is never going to happen.

Now, leave.

Go.

Fine, make it weird.

[SAM]

Chinstrap, Emperor, Gentoo, Adelie, Chinstrap, Emperor, Gentoo You alright?

Adelie, Chinstrap, Emperor, Gentoo Hey, I have an idea.

Turn your chair around.

- [PHONE RINGING]

- [CHATTERING]

- What?

- Come on.

[ZAHID EXHALES]

Feeling better?

Look you can't let one little setback bring you down, man.

Everybody has setbacks.

Even me.

I didn't always want to be in tech retail.

- But you're so good at it.

- No doubt.

I'm great.

But when I was a kid my grandma got sick and we spent a lot of time in the hospital.

And frankly, the doctors were pricks, but I thought the nurses were really cool.

In my head, they did all the important stuff.

So I decided I wanted to be a nurse.

A nurse?

I'm good with people and it seems like you learn cool stuff.

It's, like, 99% chicks.

But then What?

Are you going to finish your sentence?

Well, then I had Mr.

Jeffries, my high school biology teacher.

Dude was like 88 years old, such a jerk, and smoked like a chimney.

- I mean, who smokes at work?

- You do, you smoke weed.

That is very different, Samuel.

And shh! We're still at a police station.

Sorry.

Anyway, one day, Mr.

Jeffries got annoyed at me for I don't remember what.

I was probably just being hilarious as usual.

And he told me that I was a loser.

And that I would end up a stoned nobody, working a dead-end job for the rest of my life.

Someone was mean to you?

The words just stuck in my brain, and every time I thought about applying to nursing school, I'd just imagine failing.

Anyway, don't make the same mistake I did.

I mean, life's going to be full of a lot of little setbacks, but that doesn't mean you stop trying.

You know, if Mr.

Jeffries was 88, and smoked like a chimney, statistically, he's probably dead.

Does that help?

- It really does.

- Good.

It really does.

Oh, my gosh.

I think I borrowed this blouse, like, 15 years ago, and I never returned it.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

- Well, consider it a gift.

- Okay, thank you very much.

Sure.

You don't happen to have four of our TV remotes, do you?

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Hey, try this Macallan, aged 30 years.

Figured you would appreciate that.

[CLEARS THROAT]

You know Sam has been through a lot.

- We don't need to talk about all that.

- No, I I think we do.

You know, he has autism, that's a real thing.

I don't think it's something that he, or we, deserve to be punished for.

Dude, just try to get to where we're coming from.

Am I supposed to force my kids to hang out with someone who yells and hits them?

That would be punishing us.

So, what are you saying?

Hanging out with Sam is like a punishment?

I'm just trying to be honest, man.

Maybe if you had exposed your children to different types of kids, you wouldn't have raised Arlo to be an insensitive jerk.

- Whoa.

- Oh, I'm just trying to be honest, man.

Theo, drop it.

Me?

I'm not the one insulting people's kids.

You're just saying mine isn't neurotypical enough to hang out with.

- Maybe we should - Yeah.

No, let's go.

Let's go.

[WHISPERS]

I'm sorry.

[ZAHID]

That's the ninth nurse I asked out.

- [SAM]

Did she say yes?

- She did say no.

You two.

I ran your IDs and I'm going to let you go.

Just don't go wandering around at night looking like an addict.

Dude, he has autism.

What went down, that is on you.

You know, you charged an officer.

So I wouldn't press my luck.

Loud and clear.

Let's go, Sam.

Sam, look.

It's 12:07 a.

m.

You stayed somewhere overnight.

I mean, technically, you didn't sleep, but it's a first step, right?

That fireplace was pretty nice.

- Listen, I'm sorry.

- Hey, no need to apologize.

No, I should have let you go over there on your own.

I'm lying.

I thought the fireplace looked tacky.

It must have been hard for you back then, huh?

Losing her as a friend?

It was awful.

I was really lonely.

I cried.

- You did?

- Yeah.

A lot.

It was kinda like a breakup.

I'm sorry.

Hey.

What you did tonight, what you said to Theo That was really brave.

No, you are definitely way better at dealing with stuff like that than I am.

I don't know.

I thought you were great.

In fact, I thought you were so great that you deserve a trophy.

Is that Did Did you steal a child's trophy?

Yes, I did.

I stole a child's trophy.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

You're crazy.

[FOLKSY POP SONG PLAYS]

[SAM]

A baby penguin can never crawl back into her cozy, warm egg.

But often, even after undergoing a full molt This was the first day of my life So I was born right in the doorway after being out at sea on their own I went out in the rain Suddenly everything changed They're spreading blankets On the beach some juvenile penguins still regularly return to the colony.

This is the first face that I saw Think I was blind before I met you [SAM]

I guess that's the closest they can come to being back under their fathers' tail feathers.

know where I've been But I know where I want to go And so I thought I'd let you know These things take forever I especially am slow But I realized I need you And I wondered if I could come home Besides, maybe this time is different I mean, I really think you'll like me