04x02 - Master of Penguins

[bunniefuu]

[SAM]

I spend a lot of time thinking about the penguin's unique form: the bill, the flipper, the wedge

-shaped tail.

But probably the most interesting part of a penguin is actually its eye.

Sam, we had our first sleepover.

That's so special.

And I slept amazing, which is a good sign.

I mean, who knows, maybe pretty soon, we'll be living together.

[SAM]

Unlike most animals, the lens of a penguin's eye changes shape.

When it's on land, it becomes flatter like a human's.

When it's underwater, it becomes round like a fish.

So no matter where a penguin goes, everything it sees is in focus.

Great news, bud.

Our address works.

Oh.

Did you two have a sleepover? Yes.

[SIGHS]

But I have to go now.

I'm trying to be early for work 'cause I really messed up yesterday.

What'd you do, dress like a different veggie by accident? Show up as a carrot? Well, I don't have great peripheral vision in my potato, and I grabbed the half and half without looking.

I ended up putting bacon grease in a customer's coffee.

Why was the bacon grease next to the half and half? [SCOFFS]

I've been top seller two weeks in a row.

There's a target on my back.



- [SAM]

Bye, Paige.



- Bye.

[ZAHID]

Look, from Casey.

I've never had a mailbox before, except for Valentine's Day in second grade, but that was not US Postal Service approved.

"In recognition of your extreme lameness.

" Sammy, an award is an award.

We should put it on the fridge.

This is from Denton.

It says I'm in danger of academic probation because I skipped my ethics midterm.

Hey, hey, hey, they're not saying you're on academic probation.

They're just saying you're in danger of being on academic probation.

Huge difference.



- It's not a big deal.



- It isn't? Not at all.

It's a huge deal.

I thought maybe.

I had an uncle who was on academic probation once.

He's in jail now.

Can I have your penguin when you're gone?

- No.



- [SID]

Maybe it's a big deal, or maybe it's an opportunity.

I'm a business major.

I don't hear, "No.

" I hear, "Let's get creative.

" What? They say you're kicked out, you say, "I'm gonna chain myself to the statue of Archibald Denton.

"

- That's a terrible idea.



- Yeah, don't do that.

[SAM]

Sometimes I wish I had penguin eyes.

Then I could see clearly no matter where I am.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

[CASEY CHUCKLES]

Okay, well, I should go.

I still have to study for this trig test.

Okay, I'll see you tomorrow.



- Oh, wait.



- What? [IZZIE]

I forgot to tell you what I heard about Penelope.

[GASPS]

Ooh, tell me.

Tell me.

Tell me.

Tell me.

No.

[CASEY]

It was the day I found out about Clayton.

I was so excited, and I was on my way to Evan's, on my bike, and, yeah, I saw them in a parking lot, kissing.

That's I'm so sorry.

[SIGHS]

I guess it's a good thing I don't know how to ride a bike.

[CHUCKLES]

I'd probably ride by my mom doing all kinds of awful sh*t.

Wait.

Wait.

Wait.

Wait.

Wh You can't ride a bike? Well, that will not do.

What do you mean? Stop scheming.

[CASEY]

Come on.



- Steer.



- I am.



- Pedal.



- I'm trying.



- You suck at this.



- I'm learning! Look where you're going! Oh my Are you okay? No.

This was a terrible idea.

Why do I need to learn how to ride a bike? I'm a klutz.

Oh.

[CHUCKLES]

Poor little klutz.

And I'd get lost and found In your arms Rooftop view, we met on a Wednesday Now which do you prefer? To be alone, to be in love Or to just be worth it? You ready to try again? I think you're worth it Taste the strawberry sunscreen Laughing at songs from the 90s Holy crap, you're doing it! Holy crap, I'm doing it! I'm still stuck inside The treasure chest center Of both of your [ALARM BEEPING]

[GROANS]

[MOANS]

[SAM]

The coolest thing about a penguin's eyes might, in fact, be its eyelids.

It actually has three of them, and the third one is clear, which means even when it's blinking, it can still see.

You will not guess what I am going to do today.

Zumba.

They have a class that just started at TARP.

It's taught by this incredibly fit woman on the spectrum.

She's supposed to be really intense.

I'm a little scared, actually.

Honey.

Honey! [CASEY]

I'm fine.

You're sleeping.

[CASEY]

No, I'm not.

What's up? Why is she sleeping? [CASEY]

I'm fine.

What What is this? What are you doing? Go away.

Honey, we know you have a lot going on, and that can be hard to manage.



- Yeah.



- We're here for you if you need us.

Ew.

I don't like you two on the same team.

It's creepy.

Well, get used to it.

And remember, I I was an athlete, so if you wanna work out, train extra, just let me know.

You were an athlete.

And I'm excellent at nagging people and keeping them on their schedules.

Ugh.

Gross.

Okay, uh, I gotta go, but thank you for the talk.

Love ya.

Bye.

[CASEY GRUNTS]

[GRUNTS]

Oh.



- [BELL CHIMES]



- You got the same train To get back to the same place You're back where you started It's the same thing You keep trying to do Something different Over and over again Something has to change Something has to change Something has to change [KNOCKING]

[SAM]

Prof.

Judd? I received a scary letter in the mail, and I need you to tell me how to avoid academic probation.

Oh, you can go back in time and not skip my midterm.

Oh, the left eyebrow.

That's impossible.

Is there a real way that's not imaginary? Why? [SCOFFS]

Why is it important? What's your plan, you know, after college? After college? I have no idea.

I never thought I would get this far.

Okay, look, in an unfortunate series of events, I just lost my research assistant at the worst possible time.

I mean, I know you can't schedule a nervous breakdown, but I wish she would've timed it better.

Okay.

If you can help me get my grant proposal in by the deadline, I can give you the points you need to stay in good academic standing.

Fine.

I used to be not good at deadlines, but now I'm so

-so.

[CHUCKLES]

Stunning self

-advocacy.

Look, my work is in the study of mastery.

We train students to have success in their careers, but who trains them to follow their hearts? Where does mastery of a subject come from, right? Is there an innate piece? Is there an element of passion? Here are the surveys.

I need you to interview 50 people.

All right? The only requirement is that they are former or current college students.

Fifty? You can do more if you want.

No.

Thank you.

[DOUG]

What is that?

- It's my starter for sourdough.



- [SCOFFS]

Working a double, so I gotta check it.

Mm.



- So you know what today is?

- That smells terrible.

Two weeks from now, I will be retired.

You'll be stitching up some bozo in Rollerblades, and I'll be sipping a margarita with Donna.

Uh, can you put a top on that or something? It reeks.

Oh, don't be jealous.

[DOUG]

I'm not.

I don't know what I would do if I retired.

I can't even take a vacation.

You know I have 54 days saved up? I don't know what to do with them.

Well, I'm gonna travel, see my kids, and if I get bored, Chuck's Crusts.



- Chuck's what?

- It's my bread company.

That's gonna be my new partner.

Hell of a lot prettier than my old partner.



- [SCOFFS]



- Oh, and here.

I expect you there.



- It's okay if you cry.



- Hmm.



- And get me something nice.



- I will.

[CHUCK CHUCKLES]



- [ELSA]

Oh my God.



- [SIGHS]

I am so sore.

That was so hard.

I can barely walk.

Hmm.

How are you not sweaty? It's all in here.

You could not sweat too if you put your mind to it.

You know what? Just repeat the mantra, "I aspire to not perspire.

" [DOOR OPENS]



- That'll help.



- Megan.

Hi.

Wow, hi.

Hi.

[CHUCKLES]

You look perfect, from head to toe.

Oh, thanks.

I'm just picking Amber up from her violin lessons.

I was just at a dinner party.



- [MEGAN CHUCKLES]



- [ELSA SNORTS]

I'm just kidding.

I was exercising.

That's why I'm, like, you know Well, it was good to see you.

Okay.

Wow.

That woman had amazing energy.

I bet she doesn't sweat at all.

Okay, stop.

What would you say you're a master of? Reheating leftovers.

Preventing tooth decay.

Helping young adults on the spectrum.

Hugs.

You can't include me in the survey.

And would you say college enhanced your passion? [SIGHS]

I know I'm supposed to answer yes, and, sure, college channeled my love for the subject, but Ugh.

This is gonna sound corny.

When Hanzo was born and I looked into his eyes, I just I got a better sense of what's important.

And now I'm really focused on my research.

That does sound corny.

Is college a waste of time? Absolutely not.

No.

I love it.

It was the most painful season of my life.

Of course, this one hasn't been great either.

If you could go back in time and tell your younger self one thing, what would it be? Don't ignore your molars.

Don't worry so much.

[CRIES]

And I'm gonna steal your tushy.

Sorry that I missed the interview.

[SIGHS]

But I think I'm getting fired.



- Oh.



- [PAIGE]

I mean, I went into work today completely prepared to put that greasy little snafu in my rearview, but then Laird, my boss, said that he wants to see me tomorrow.

And [SIGHS]

you know what that means.

Dead spud walking.

Sorry.

At least you know what job you want.

All I know is what job I'm TERRIBLE AT: interviewer.

Survey stuff was hard? Yes.

I had to ask all these people questions, and I was supposed to care what they had to say.

It was horrible.

[SIGHS]

And it got me thinking.

What am I a master of? And the answer is nothing.

Well, that's not true.

I mean, you're great at drawing, for one.

What you working on? Us.

Oh.

Well, that's really cute.

Man, we are really hitting our stride lately.

Successful sleepover, you're doodling me when I'm not around That's me?

- I'm a potato?

- Yes.

Sam, I'm not always that.

I wear other things.

I'm known for my bows.

Why am I so shiny? That's the grease.

Are those stink lines? [PHONE BUZZES]

Well, hello there.

[CASEY GRUNTING]

[PATRICK]

This will not do.

Granola bar? I get them for free.

No, thank you.

Look, you probably don't remember me.

I'm often behind the scenes.

I'm one of the muckety

-mucks.

I remember.

No, you don't.

It's fine.

But I went to bat for you during the admissions process.

I saw something in you.

A spark, a fire.

I saw a young me.

But now I'm concerned.



- Oh, don't worry.

I'm good.



- [PATRICK]

No.



- No, you're not.



- [CASEY]

Okay.

I only talk to students when there's a problem.

You know the phrase "calling in the big g*ns"?

- Yes.



- I'm the big g*ns.



- Oh.



- [PATRICK]

And I get it.

I was a student here on scholarship too.

First chair flute, '91 to '94.

I was a wonder.

[CHUCKLES]

But I know this school can be tough.

It's the best place in the world, but it can be tough.



- It's the best place in the world?

- [PATRICK]

Of course.

Now, you failed a trig test.

If you fail a class, you can't run.

If you can't run, no scholarship.

But I'm falling behind because of running.

I know.

Major bummer.

But I talked your trig teacher into giving you a second chance on the test.

You need to pass.

[SIGHS]

Okay.

Miss Gardner? Have you heard of Claire's Bake Shop? Yeah.

If you pass your trig test, I will get you a big fudgy brownie from Claire's Bake Shop.

Um Okay.

[DOOR OPENS]

[DOOR CLOSES]

That's not 50.

No, it's five.

Well, I asked you to do 50.

I know, but I can't write fast enough to take down every word, and then I feel I'm missing things, and then I start worrying about missing things, and then I miss things.

I don't like doing these surveys either.

That's why I always had my assistant do it.

All right, how's this? You can organize the data from the other surveys.

Uh, that I can do.

Great.

Uh, I need it by Monday.

Which one? All of them.

That's the last of it.

Luckily, Sam comes with his own moving crew.

[GROANS]

Yeah, the foreman's pretty cute too.

Why are you bringing all this stuff here? Dad thought it wouldn't fit in my apartment, so he said I could use my old room as my library.

Dad, you can bring those boxes up.

Okay, thank you.

You didn't think these would fit at his place? No, I thought they would've, but I kinda miss the kid.

Excellent.

Ow.

Oh, I'm still so sore from that Zumba class.

Still? Oh my God, you'll never guess who I ran into.

Who? Megan.

Oh.

She She seems well, you know, good.

She looked pretty.

Um, hey, I forgot to give you, um, the invite for Chuck's retirement party.

Fun! I'll call Donna and see if they need anything.

She's gonna say they need nothing, but we'll bring something anyway.



- Okay.



- Maybe a money tree.

[CHUCK]

Uh, hand me that peroxide.

So, um, Elsa ran into Megan.

[CHUCKLES]

Yeah? Did she k*ll her? No.

If some lady kissed me, Donna would have k*lled her.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, you didn't tell her.

Well, why should I? I mean, as soon as it happened, I rushed home.

We made up, and it's all good.

So you the hero.

No, I didn't say that.

Maybe I just You know, we're getting along good now.

I don't want to What, be honest? Have a foundation of trust in your marriage? You should tell her.

No.

I'm gonna miss you not taking my advice when I'm gone.

[CHUCKLES]

Okay, Laird, before you say anything, I am extremely sorry about the bacon grease incident.

Don't worry about it.

Customer said it was delicious.



- We're thinking of putting it on the menu.



- Oh, okay.

Well, uh, what did you wanna talk to me about? Paige, we want to make you a manager.



- What?

- We think you have what it takes.

You're hardworking, smart, perky.

A real spud

-muffin, as we say.

Thank you.

But before we invest in you and share all the Sal E.

secrets, we'll need a three

-year commitment.

So think about it before you accept.

Three years, wow.

If I were a manager, would I still have to wear the potato? Managers don't wear the potato.

You don't live here anymore.

[SAM]

Correct.

This is my library now.

But I'll be working most of the night, so leave me alone.

Oh, don't worry, I'll be working, too, if I can stay awake.

I have to study for my retest, and I can't keep my eyes open.

But if I don't pass, they'll m*rder me.

[SAM]

No, they won't.

Well, they'll bench me, which is worse.



- No, it isn't.



- Just a delight having you visit.

Uh, uh, uh.

Hold it right there, professor.

Research assistant.

No big box of Triscuits up in your room.

I found a huge trail of ants in there just last week.

I had to Dustbuster them up.

I still feel guilty about it.

Here.

If you want Triscuits, you can have them in this.

In this? Are you kidding? This can hold, like, four Triscuits.

I'm gonna have to go back and forth all night.

I'm not gonna get any work done.

This library is terrible.

I can still hear those ants screaming.

That's impossible.

How about an exchange? I'll be your Triscuit delivery lady if you keep me awake while I study for my retest.

How? Maybe you can gently stroke her hair if she starts falling asleep.



- Ew.



- Gross.

Um [GASPS]

Oh! Spray me with this.

And you'll bring me Triscuits all night long?

- Yeah.



- Deal.

Aw! Look at us.

We're all back together again.



- Hey! Casey.



- [BOTH CHUCKLE]

[THUD]

Ugh.

Damn it.

Thank you.

I hate this so much.

What's the research about anyway? The topic is mastery.

Like what you're good at? And what you love.

Like, my professor is a master of boring old ethics, and Julia is a master of autism research.

And I'm a master of being awesome.

No, you're a master of running.

I don't know about that.

Right now, I'm a master of doing everything not quite good enough.

What are you the master of? If I knew the answer to that, I would've filled out a survey of my own and had six to give her instead of five.



- Penguins.



- Penguins.

I do know a lot of interesting facts about them.

Have I told you about their eyelids? Ugh, I'd rather do trig.

[SIGHS]

Okay, fine, you win.

You can help me.

But no being annoying or overbearing or lovey

-dovey or dumb.



- Deal.



- I can't promise any of that.

Oh God.

Wow.

Looks like I finally found someone as nitpicky as I am.

Hey, Sam, do you have an academic adviser? I don't know what that is.

A faculty member who guides you through the rocky terrain of the undergraduate experience.

That sounds helpful.

Well, now you've got one.



- Me.



- Oh, okay.

So, I'm not on academic probation? [SCOFFS]

That's correct.

Congratulations.

Now go celebrate with someone you love.

Hey, Sam.

Oh.

Hey, Trainer Tim.

You wanna meet her? Meet me in the lobby after we close.

[ELSA]

Hi, Megan.

Hi again.

I'm just here donating some books.

Oh, and you're here for Amber's violin lesson?

- I am.

[CHUCKLES]



- Hmm.

Last time you saw me, I looked kind of crazy.

[LAUGHS]

Now you can see, I can look normal, or even fantastic.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Doug and I are going to a retirement party tonight, so Well, I should get Amber from violin.

Oh, I love the violin.

It is such a beautiful instrument.

Casey was going to learn, but then she didn't.

Oh.

So, I signed up for violin lessons.

I don't know why.

I just I get so nervous around her.

And now I'm gonna see her every week because Amber and I have back

-to

-back violin lessons.

Do you know where I can get a violin?

- [DOORBELL RINGS]



- Megan and I kissed in New York.

Gardners! [CHUCKLES]

Hey, come on in.

[SAM]

It turns out the penguin eye isn't merely a biological marvel.

It's also magical.

And that dumb thing Julia said about looking in Hanzo's eyes, well, it wasn't that dumb after all.

Because when I looked at Stumpy I suddenly knew what I needed to do.

Wait, your professor told you to celebrate with someone you loved, and you went to see Stumpy? Yes, but that's not the important part.

The important thing is now I know what's next for me.

I'm taking a leave of absence from school.

What? Sam, you just got back in good academic standing.

Yep.

I have to, because I'm going to Antarctica.

I wanna be loved Don't wanna be hated I wanna be friends Don't want all this fake sh*t I tried all of that I'm giving it back I feel under pressure I wanna relax I wanna be messed up Don't wanna be jaded I'm too mixed up Too mixed up I'm too many colors I'm too mixed up Too mixed up I'm too many colors I'm too mixed up