02x16 - Houses of the Holy

[bunniefuu]

Morning, boss.

Morning.

Is somebody burning
old sneakers out there?

Oh, I know.

Actually, Matthew is making
his special herbal tea again.

Has Catherine called in yet?

Uh, actually--

Hey, Dave,
you got a minute?

Sure.
Catherine called...

Yeah, Catherine--

Beth, Beth, Beth,

could we have
a minute, please?

Thank you very much.
I really appreciate it.

Dave, it's
my weird nephew, Theo.

I mean, the poor kid
is so weird.

I mean, he's just...

weird.

Okay. How weird is he?

[WHISTLING]
Well--

Hey, Matthew, you know
my nephew, don't you?

You mean Theo?

Oh, yeah.
He's really cool.

That weird, huh?

Yeah. What smells
like urine?

Oh, this. I made
my special herbal tea.

If anybody
wants to dip in--

No.

All right.

Anyway, Theo has made

some really bad
career choices lately.

You know, the poor kid
is so down.

He's really down.

Well, as impressive
as you make him sound, sir,

I don't think
I can find a job around here

for your weird nephew, Theo.

All right. Can you
just talk to him

about a job in
the radio industry?

I'd be very
happy to.

I'd appreciate that.

If you can just get me
his phone number.

Okay. Theo, what's
your phone number?

I'm in the book.

Oh, that's right,
that's right.

Theo, this is Dave.
Dave, this is my weird nephew, Theo.

Pleasure to
meet you, Theo,

but I really do
have to rush.

It's a fresh batch,
and it is herbaliffic. Theo!

Matthew.

Cool.
Cool.

Anybody?

Matthew, get that
out of my face.

Okay. Maybe later.

Dave, I'll
see you later.

Theo, I will be back later.

Okay.

So, Theo,

I hear you're interested
in radio.

Anything would be better
than what I'm doing now.

What are you doing?

I give motivational speeches
at corporate events.

Beth!

Boss?

Theo.
No.

Yes.
Why?

Because. Catherine?

Why didn't you--
Sick.

You were talking--

Lisa...
Oh, my God. Hi.

Oh, hi.

Hi. What's your name?

I really don't like
to give that out.

Actually, it's
against office policy.

Oh, my God.
That is so smelly.

Oh, that does smell good.

Yes. It's
my herbal tea.

It's my special tea.

Matthew, please do not spill
that urine tea on me.

I'm not going to spill it.
It's my special tea.

Oh!

I used to be a waiter.
I'm fine.

I'm a little bit
dizzy, though.

[♪]

Hey, Lisa--are you
having popcorn

for breakfast
again?

Dave, I do not have
an eating disorder.

Yes, you do.

Catherine's
called in sick.

Is she okay?
Yeah. she'll be fine,

but I need you
to fill in for her, all right?

Definitely. Did you clear this
with Matthew and Bill?

No. Why should I?
It's my decision, not theirs.

Well, I know,
but as the employer,

it's your job
to make your employees

feel they're part of
the decision-making process.

Is this something you learned
from that stupid book

on Japanese management
technique?

You don't actually
have to listen to them, just pretend to.

It helps create
a more harmonious group energy.

Again, is this from
that stupid book

on Japanese
management techniques?

This is just a standard
management technique

that has been used
by personnel supervisors since the days of...

Ho Lu, grand emperor
of the Wu Dynasty.

Well, would you mind
getting in the booth?

Not until you clear it
with Bill and Matthew.

Fine. And, you know,
you're not--

I know,
I'm not fat.

Matthew, I need your
advice on something.

What up?

Well, Catherine's
called in sick,

and I wanted to put Lisa
in the booth to fill in,

but I wanted
to get your input.

My input is,
I think I should do it.

I'm sure you would do
a wonderful job,

but Lisa does have
more experience.

Screw experience, Dave.
I want to do it.

You're an only child,
aren't you?

Yeah. Yeah, why?

No reason.
Thanks for your input.

So I'm going to do it,
yeah or...

I'm sure that Dave
will consider your input

when he makes his final--

Lisa, no offense, but this is
really between Dave and I.

Thank you, though.

Found you!

You're it.

You are so much fun,
you know that?

How did you get out?

Mr. James!
Hey, your ride's here.

Hey, it's been fun.
Bye-bye.

Hey, Theo, you ready?

Do I have to go?

No, I think
we got some time. Yeah.

Why don't you show Beth
your appreciation for all her help.

Oh, no, thank you.

I don't kiss on the--
I don't kiss.

No, it's not that.
Go on, Theo.

Uncle Jimmy, please,
don't make me do this.

Oh, come on, son,
you got a gift, use it.

Use what, sir?

He didn't tell you
what he does for a living?

He gives speeches
to corporations, right?

Tell her, son.

Fine. I'm a magician.
I do magic tricks--

stupid, dumb, moronic
magic tricks. You happy?

Oh, could I see one?

Okay. Fine. Fine, fine.

Now, ma'am, we've never
met before, correct?

Correct.

Do you have
a $100 bill? No.

Check your bra.

Ohh!

Fine. May I
see that, please?

Thank you very much.

Whoa!

Oh, where did it go?

What time is it,
young lady?

I don't know.
My watch--

It's gone.

I believe
this belongs to you.

No.

I'm sorry it's wet.

Let's dry it off

with this common
household scarf.

Now, I believe
you have something that belongs to me.

There,
are you happy now?

Mr. James, would it be all right
if I asked Theo to lunch?

Yeah, go for it,
go for it.

Let me see him.

Oh, is this bunny wunny--
you smell.

All right, dude,
this ought to do it.

You sure?

Yeah.

Just, uh, don't put
anything on it,

or touch it,

or go near it.

Dave.

Bill, I need your advice.

As you know,
Catherine called in sick today,

and we need to figure out

who should fill in for her
in the booth.

Me. I can handle it myself.

No, I think
it's too much for one person.

I think we should
strongly consider Lisa.

CHICAGO ACCENT:
How about my friend, Eddie, from Chicago?

Eddie? Is he a real person
or a different voice?

Different voice.

Then no.

INDIAN ACCENT:
What if Eddie were from India?

Bill, let's consider this.

Both Matthew and Lisa
have their merits.

Matthew smells
like urine today.

Then we're agreed.
It should be Lisa.

Lisa doesn't really
do it for me,

I mean, not like
she does it for you,

which, I guess, explains

why you're pushing her
for the job, huh?

Lisa has more experience
in the booth.

"More experience
in the booth."

I'm really not up on
sexual euphemisms,

but I get the gist.

Well, thank you

for helping me
make my decision.

Any time.

And thanks for
including me

in this decision-making
process.

Makes me feel good
to know

my opinion
is valued.

Wow.

See, it works.

Well, I'll just run
this decision

past the custodial staff,

then we can
get you on the air.

Well, you'll thank me later
for the harmonious energy

borne of my ancient wisdom.

Okay, I just want
to go on record saying this decision

is a load of crap.

Look, Matthew, this was
a difficult decision,

but we all had our input--

Then why is Joe on the air?

Hmm?

BILL: Parks department
declined to comment, but said

the commission's findings
will be announced on Thursday.

We'll be back in 60 seconds.
WNYX news time--10:15.

What is Joe doing
in the booth?

I guess Dave told Bill

that he could pick
anybody he wanted to.

That's not what
you were supposed to do.

I didn't.

I guess some people's input
is more valuable than others'...

people's... inputs.

Bill...

What is he doing
in the booth?

So far, just the station ID
and the current time,

but he's learning fast.

What is he doing in the booth?

You said I was part of
the decision-making process.

This is my part.

Joe's not qualified
to be on the air. He's an electrician.

So was Thomas Edison.
So what?

Now, you realize
Bill is doing this

because he's threatened by us.

Yes, he is totally
threatening us.

Threatened by us,
Matthew.

Oh, right.

I'm sorry, Joe,
but I can't let you do this.

Okay.

Hang on there,
buddy.

I know a diamond in the rough
when I see one.

What are you
talking about, Bill?

You can't just pluck
someone off the street

and put them
behind a microphone.

How do you think
Edward R. Murrow was discovered?

That is not how
Edward R. Murrow was discovered.

Don't try to confuse me
with the facts.

Joe, don't let this
nattering nabob of negativity

break your spirit.

Okay, enough fooling around.

All right.

I guess we'll have
to agree to disagree on this one.

Trying to reason
with savages is thirsty business.

I'm going to get
another cup of coffee.

Joe, I'm sorry,
I can't let you do this.

That's okay, man,
I don't care.

All right. Great.

But you got to get
somebody in here

because we're back on the air
in 15 seconds.

Bill just went
to the break room.

I can cover it.
It's no big deal.

Are you sure you know
what you're doing?

I just got one question.

What's this mean,
"You're listening to WYNNYX"?

That's WNYX, Joe.

I'm kidding. Relax.

All right,
good luck. No problem.

WNYX news time--10:21.

This is Joe Garelli,
filling in for Catherine Duke.

The stock car racing world
was shaken today

when NASCAR legend
Travis Sullivan announced his retirement.

Sullivan, a three-time
Winston cup winner

who's been on the circuit
for 30 years

plans to spend
more time with his family.

In local sports,

Knicks reserve guard
Jeff Washington

goes under the Kn*fe
for a tenolysis

on his injured right
ring finger tendon today.

A tenolysis?

That sounds complicated.
What is it, Joe?

It doesn't say here, Bill,

but I believe
it's a semi-invasive surgical procedure

to remove scar tissue
from the proximal and distal junctions

of a ruptured tendon.

You don't say?

In other local news...

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

What's so funny?

I just don't think
Bill was expecting that.

Okay, you're right.
He's not working out at all.

Okay, do it to Bill.

Sir, we've never met before,
is that correct?

Who the hell are you?
Dave, I'm serious.

He's completely unsuitable
for broadcasting.

What are you doing--aah!

Where have you been?

I just took an
extra long lunch with Theo,

if you know
what I mean.

Ew, Theo?

Jealous?

Disgusted.

That's what I thought
at first too,

but once you get
to know him,

he's just so...

Disgusting.

He's intriguing,
know what I mean?

Not at all.

I'm having trouble putting
my finger on it too.

It's like he's so...

Disgusting.

Unpredictable.

He's mysterious,
he's full of surprises.

Oh, no.

What?

It's the magic tricks,
isn't it?

No.
Yes, it is.

You like a guy because
he can do magic tricks.

No.

Yes!

If he could juggle,
you'd be pregnant by now.

He's so cute.
Look what he gave me.

A quarter.

But he pulled it
out of my mouth...

using his tongue.

Beth!

Listen, can you
watch the phones

a little while longer?

Theo and I are going
to take a walk in the park.

Beth?

You forgot
your magic mouth coin.

Magic mouth coin?
Give it up.

Cool. What does it do?

Dave?

I just wanted
to apologize to you.

I shouldn't have put
Joe in the booth.

No need to apologize.
Joe's doing great.

I know, but I overstepped
my boundaries.

I just thought
I'd let you guys know

we've gotten life 50 calls
in the past hour for Joe.

People love him!

Hey, that's great!

So why did you pick Joe?

Oh, I've always
thought of myself

as something of a mentor

to our lower-level employees.

Bill, when you get
back to the booth,

could you tell Joe
that Cindy from the Bronx

thinks he's "All that
and a bag of chips"?

I'll pass that along.

Oh, could you
also tell him--

Thanks, Lisa.
Thank you.

Fine.

I put Joe on the air because
I didn't want anyone any better

to get that much air time.

I thought Joe
would make me look good.

Well, it looks like

you've been hoisted
on your own petard.

Look, he can be slow-witted,

but there's no need
for name-calling.

At any rate,

I've learned
a valuable lesson.

Good.
And I apologize.

Now get him
off the air.

No.
Why not?

Because he's good,
and we're not going

to change anchors
three times in one day

just to accommodate
your personal whims.

Okay.

A cold front is expected
to reach the city by morning,

with temperatures
dropping to the low 20s.

I hate to put you
on the spot,

but what's causing
that cold front, Joseph?

Well, if it's anything
like most cold fronts,

a low pressure system
sitting off the coast

is causing cold air

to move down
from Western Canada.

Uh, that's very interesting.

Well, what's new
in Washington, Joe?

I can't seem to locate
my news report here,

but if memory serves correct,

the story was--
on Capitol Hill today,

Senator Patrick
Moynihan's plans

for a new, federally
funded Penn station d*ed in committee today.

The bill would have
moved the train station

across the street
to the historic post office building.

WNYX news time, 12:21.

Thanks, Joe.

By the way,
what's so historic

about the post office building?

Built in 1908,
the post office building was designed

by the firm
of McKim, Meade, and White,

an early proponent
of interchangeable, machine-made girders.

Thanks, Joe.

Those two weeks in New York City
tour guide school

paid off after all, hey, Bill?

In the national news,

the congress
is deadlocked once again

on the issue
of farm subsidies.

Department of agriculture
official will meet next week--

What's up, dude?

What's going on?

I am fixing my computer.

Good. Good, good, good.

Found the problem.

Look, I figure
if you can do my job,

I can certainly
do yours, Joseph.

Cool. Have fun.

How do you like
my fake radio voice?

Really wasn't listening.

Want me to give you
a hand with that when I get off the air?

Joe, really--
seriously, just--

I think I can handle it.

You know that there's
capacitors in there? You know about that?

Yes, I know there's
capacitors in there.

And you know that
capacitors store energy?

How about that, big guy?
All right. Take it easy.

Are you feeling all right?
You look a little pale.

Oh, no, I'm fine.

I've probably had
just a little too much excitement.

Want some water?

Yeah. You know what?

They have the best water

in the accounting firm
on the third floor.

Don't ask me why.

Okay, so I'll just
get you some water.

Okay. Thanks.

What's wrong?

Don't make me say it.

Say what?

Okay. Fine.

The magic is gone.

What happened?

Oh, I kept bugging him

to tell me how
he did his tricks.

And then finally--
hang on a second,

I'll show you.

Okay. You see
this quarter?

Ta-dah.

Hey, very impressive.

That's what I thought
at first too, until I realized

he keeps the quarter
in the other hand.

It's totally bogus.

Oh. Well, what did
you think?

Oh, Beth.

You didn't
actually think

that the quarter
disappeared, did you?

It could happen.

Maybe not. But it was
really beautiful

while the fantasy
was alive.

You know, it's like
how you believe

that Dave is "sexy."

Dave is sexy.

Oh, yeah. I know. He is.

You know,

Theo makes me think
he's doing one thing,

and he's really
doing another.

He's just like
every other guy

I've been out with,
except he uses props.

Dave is sexy.

I know.

He is hot.

Anyways, I don't know
what to do.

I've been down this road
too many times.

You've been down
every road too many times.

I hear you.

Here you go.

Theo, that's empty.

Oh. That's wonderful.
Thank you.

And that's today's
McNeal Perspective.

Thanks, Bill,

for that fascinating
perspective.

Of course,
I should point out

that the balanced budget
amendment does not, as you say--

Oh, my gosh,
a late-breaking news item.

Why don't you
take this one, Joe?

Okay. Yes, Bill.

In Albany today,

former governor Mario Cuomo
was quoted as saying,

"The sixth sheik's
sixth sheep is schick--"

Ladies and gentlemen,
I am very sorry for that.

We're obviously having
some technical problems here.

We will return
just as soon as

we are able to get
everything organized.

Please do not panic.

Not good, Joe.
Not good at all.

It was
a tongue twister, dude.

I'm sure Cuomo
had a hard time

doing that one
the first time.

Look, I was hoping against hope
that this would work out,

but I'm afraid
your broadcasting days are over.

Okay.

Want some help
with that now or what?

Bill?

I thought you were going
to be adult about this.

I'm not the one

who mispronounced
a common nursery rhyme.

Regardless,
Joe's going back on the air.

Come on. Joe's good,
but he's not that good.

What about
all those phone calls?

I made those up.

Why on earth would you do
something like that?

To drive you crazy.

Well, it didn't work!

Don't yell at me
because Joe's not

the illiterate boob
you thought he was.

All right.
Everyone, settle down.

You thought I was
an illiterate boob?

Lisa's words, not mine.

He also said he could
kick your ass one-handed.

Now, that's just a lie!

You say that, man?

Come on, Joe,
it's me!

Can I say something right here?

"Six sheep, six sheep,
six sheep."

There. Now can I
go on the air?

All right, now everyone,
just settle down, all right?

The next person who speaks
is fired.

What?

DAVE: Enough.

How about
if I just go back on the air?

I said, enough!

I--I thought you were sick?

Must've been
one of those four-hour bugs.

I feel fine now.

Are you sure?

Good as new.

All right, well,
good to have you back.

Thanks.

[COUGHING]

You don't look so good.

I'm running 104 fever
and my head is pounding,

but I'll be damned
if I'm going to lie in bed

and listen to
an electrician do my job.

Disgusting, wasn't it?

You can say that again.

Especially since he was...

So good.

Yeah.

Well, how was I
supposed to know?

I really don't think
it's going to work out.

I'm sorry.

Why not?

Um, you know, I don't
know how to say this.

It's not that--

It's not that
I don't love you,

I'm just not
in love with you.

But we made out.

I know. I know,
but sometimes

after two people
make out,

they--they grow apart.

I'm weird. Admit it.

You think I'm weird.

You're not weird.

You're a wonderful person.

Really?

Can I just...

[PRESSING BUTTON]

Beth?

Yeah? Yeah?

I'd just like
to give you this.

Oh, thank you.
That's a pretty scarf.

Oh, look.
There's a whole--

whole bunch.

Hey. That's great.
Oh. Something--

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.
Have a good day, huh?

THEO: Hey!

Oh, sorry.

Hey, Beth.

Hey, Mr. James.

So, how are you
and Theo doing?

Fine. Fine.

You didn't dump him yet?

Just this second, sir.

Good. Good. I was starting
to worry about you.

So, what the hell was Joe
doing on the air today?

I don't have the specifics
on that one, sir,

but I thought
he was good.

Yeah. Yeah, he was good,

but next time
we need a replacement,

why don't we use

Bill's friend Eddie
from Chicago?

He gave me a call today.
He was really charming.

Uh-huh.

Aah!

Okay, I have no idea
how you did that,

but really--no.

But we made out.

Let her go, son.

It's Chinatown.

But that really was
an amazing trick you did.

Think that's
an amazing trick?

Watch this.

Dave?

[♪]