02x17 - Physical Graffiti

[bunniefuu]

Hey. I made some notes
on that school board meeting.

Try not to go overboard.

[GIGGLING]

Well, thanks.

I didn't think
it was that clever, but thanks anyway.

Huh? Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm on the phone.

Oh, Stewart?
Yeah.

Oh, that's nice.

That is not true.

I never did that.

[GIGGLING]

Is that Stewart?

Yeah.

Lisa, Lisa--
Tell him Beth says--

Don't hang up.
Don't hang up.

I'm sorry. He hung up.

Oh, that Stewart.

[GIGGLING]

He's so funny.

That was...Stewart.

Stewart who?

Stewart,
Lisa's ex-boyfriend who--

Sarcasm. Cool.

How long do you plan

to keep stringing
Stewart along?

I'm not stringing
Stewart along.

We are just friends,
no matter what kind

of paranoid, jealous fantasy
you have conjured up.

Right. Did he or did he not

write and record
a song called "Come back, Lisa"?

That was a joke.

What kind of man writes and
records a song as a joke?

Weird Al Yankovic.

Right?

"Eat it."

What, did I mishear
the question or something?

All I'm saying is

I don't call any
of my ex-girlfriends

three times a day.

Maybe that's because
you're too busy

talking to your mother.

Maybe that's because
I need advice

on how to handle
a girlfriend

who can't let go
of her ex-boyfriend.

What are they
fighting about? We're not fighting.

About Stewart.

Your Stewart?

He's not my Stewart,
Matthew.

Dave, you do know

that Lisa and Stewart
used to go out?

Thanks, Matthew,
that will be all.

What are they fighting about?

Stewart.

I guess Dave's
jealous of Stewart.

Who wouldn't be?

Me. Why should I be jealous
of Stewart?

Dave, don't worry
about it.

You know
what they say--

mighty oaks from
little acorns grow.

Thanks, Bill.

Do you get all your lines
from fortune cookies?

Hey, g*ng,
what's the 411?

Uh, Dave's jealous

because Lisa's still
stringing Stewart along.

I am not jealous.

I am not stringing
Stewart along.

Envy not that
which not need be possessed.

Thanks, Bill.

Good fortune,
happy lucky big time for you and family.

That one doesn't make
a lot of sense,

but it's always
stuck with me.

Uh, Mr. James,
things are getting

a little bit rocky
around here,

rockier than a...
rock concert.

What?

What I'm saying is--

I'm on the phone, Matthew.
Take three steps back.

1...2...

Whoa.

[♪]

What the hell

is coming through
my headphones?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Salsa--
the pulse of the Caribbean.

I too am a fan.

I've been hearing this
for the past five minutes, Bill.

Incredibly
unprofessional,

but I know how
irresistible

that island rhythm
can be.

This is the most
childish stunt

you've ever pulled.

Au contraire.

Gluing your pencils together

was the most childish stunt
I ever pulled,

but I didn't do this one...

or did I?

The world may never know.
[DIABOLICAL LAUGHTER]

Can you fix it?

Yeah, I can fix it,

but Bill is just gonna
find another way

to screw with your head

unless you, uh, you know,
fight fire with fire.

[WHISPERING]]

So...

What, Matthew?
What is it?

Matthew, what?

I know what's going on
between you and Lisa.

I wanted to let you know
I'm here for you.

I appreciate it, Matthew.

I know where you're coming from.

I mean, I'm no stranger
to girl troubles.

God, if only I was--
am I right?

Right. Right. Close the door
on your way out, please.

You probably hate Stewart.

No. I don't hate Stewart.

He seems like
a very nice guy.

Uh-huh. He is, isn't he?

That's probably why
you're so jealous...

You're jealous.

Matthew, I am not
jealous...jealous...

Dave, come on, you're
a regular Big Moose.

What?

Big Moose, Dave. Wake up.
The guy in the Archie Comics

who's always b*ating up
the other guys

for talking
to his girl, Midge.

Well, you know what?

I'm not about to start
taking romantic advice

from a guy who bases
his whole life

on Archie comics,
all right?

Actually, now
you're starting to sound

more like...Reggie.

I'm not in there
with you anymore.

Reggie.

Hey.
Hi.

Listen, Dave,

I don't want you
to get upset.

But Stewart wants to have
coffee with me tomorrow.

Why should that
upset me?

Well, fine then.

What time are you
planning on having coffee?

I don't know.
I think 7:00.

7:00. Okay.

Oh, then you're going to miss
the assignment meeting.

Oh, really?

Since when do we have
the assignment meeting at 7:00?

It's a new policy.
Didn't you see the memo?

Beth, you put that
in the memo, didn't you?

I am not involved.

That's okay. I can just give
your assignments to Matthew.

Did you see that?

Don't you think that he's being
totally jealous and paranoid

and maniacally possessive?

Yes, yes, and yes.

Yahtzee!

You know, and he won't even
admit that he's jealous.

That is the thing
that drives me crazy.

I don't blame you.

If my boyfriend acted like that,
I'd go absolutely bitchcakes.

"Bitchcakes"?

I just made that up.
You think it's gonna catch on?

Look, why is he being
like this?

I don't know.
I mean, could it be because

you've been stringing
Stewart along

ever since
you broke up with him?

I am not stringing
Stewart along.

You're stringing him along
like a cheap kite,

and you know it.

Stewart's a terrific guy, yes,

but he's also completely
self-absorbed,

totally irresponsible,

and, quite frankly,

Dave is much, much...

more compatible for me...
lover.

Lover?

How often do you make love
with your lover?

Shut up.

And, regardless,

I have no interest

in getting back together
with Stewart.

So you're over him,

but you cannot
stand the thought

of him getting
over you.

No!
I've been there.

I still call
my prom date

once a month

just to keep him
dangling.

yeah, well,
that's different,

because Stewart's
not in prison.

Just admit it.

When Stewie's around,

you still want to shake
your bunnymaker.

I do not,
and the word is "moneymaker."

Hello, I know,
it's another new one I made up.

Where are you going?

I'm going to go
fax my new words around,

see how long it takes them
to show up on Melrose Place.

Catch you later,
B-cakes.

That's the
street version.

Dave, this has gotten
completely out-of-hand.

I know, tell me about it.

She talks to Stewart
five times a day.

Screw your problem.
I'm talking about me.

All right.

What is it?

You found some more
coded references to you

in the Unabomber's manifesto?

No. It's Catherine.

Dial my phone extension.
Go ahead.

Somehow, she's arranged

for all my calls
to be forwarded to this.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

[MAN SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

It's that damn salsa station.
This has gone too far.

[CONTINUES IN SPANISH]

[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

What was Tito Puente's
first group?

La Orquesta del Machito.

La Orquesta del Machito.

[MAN SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

[TURNS TELEPHONE OFF]

What are you doing?

We just won $94.

I see I'm going to have to
tilt at my own windmills.

Oh, by the way,
you are jealous.

I am not.

BETH:
Yes, you are, Dave.

Bill. Bill.

What, what, what?

I couldn't help overhearing
your conversation with Dave.

So you can fix my phone?

I can fix it.

But Catherine's just
going to find another way

to mess with your head--

Unless I glue
all her pencils together.

Oh, man, you don't take
a Nerf bat to a Kn*fe fight.

I've got a few ideas
of my own.

Listen, about Stewart.

Yes, Big Moose?

Ah, you've been
talking to...

Matthew. Yes, I have.

Dave, if Stewart
threatens you that much,

I'll just stop
talking to him, okay?

Talk to him. I don't care.
Have dinner with him.

I think the three of us
should have dinner some time.

Right.

How about 8:30 tonight?

What?

I just talked to Stew.
That's when he's free.

Is that okay?
You called Stew?

Uh-huh.

And how'd you get
his number?

Well, it kind of
sticks in your head

when you watch
someone dial it 3-- 4000 times.

Okay. But you're
not jealous.

No. Just keenly
observant.

Oh, my.

Oh, my.
Beth, look at this.

Internet?

Yeah.

Inter-not.

Oh, my.

Lisa, check this out.

What is it?
More cheesecake sh*ts of Teri Hatcher?

No. Even better.

No thanks.

Oh...

What's that, sweetie?

What's what?
Nothing.

Matthew, take your hands
off the screen.

No, seriously.

Take your hands off.

I had nothing to do--

Matthew,
take your hands off.

I--I didn't
call this up.

It was e-mailed to me,
so don't blame me.

If you want
to blame anyone,

[TYPING]

Joe. Joe!

Catherine. that's not
going to help.

[SNICKERING]

Catherine,
I had no idea.

I hope this isn't
out of line,

but you do have
beautiful breasts.

That's not me, you fool.

He put my head
on some p*rn star's body.

Who did?

Bill did this.

"Catherine Duke
of WNY-sex."

[SNICKERING]

I tell you,
whoever Bill's got

working for him
is very good.

Very good.

Joe, get this off there.

Get it off there, okay?

You can't take something
off the internet.

What?
It's like trying

to take pee out
of a swimming pool.

Once it's in there,
it's in there.

Okay, let's forget
the headphones.

I'm going to set
his head on fire.

You don't want to set

the outside
of his head on fire.

You want to set
the inside.

Come with me.
I got a plan.

The camel's back has been
broken, my friend.

Bill, look what you've done.
My mother gave me this tie.

Look at this.

Don't ever show me
a photo like that

in a room where
I've mentioned my mother.

She's really done it
this time, buster.

She's really torn it.

And what exactly
is the problem?

What's the problem?
The problem?

The problem is

I don't have
one of those!

Well, Bill,
neither do I,

but it doesn't
bother me.

Every Star Trek geek
and internet goon in the country

is looking at this picture
of me with that...

One of those.

Everyone's going to know
this is a prank,

although, if I didn't
know you better...

So that is your
real hair color.

Hey, Big Moose.

I'll handle this myself.

What is his problem?

Oh...

Oh, yeah.

[SHUDDER]

You know, a jealous guy
wouldn't even be here.

And a stringer-alonger

would not bring
her new boyfriend

to meet her old boyfriend.

Right. Exactly.

Lisa.
Stewart.

And you must be Dan.

Uh, Dave, actually.

I know. I was
just kidding.

As was I.

There we have it.
There we have it, indeed.

Why don't you
have a seat?

No, please.
You go first.

All right.

Well...

There.

Well, this is
a little awkward, actually.

Really? Not to me.
Why do you say that?

Because you're
sitting on my hand.

Of course.
There you are.

Sorry.
It's okay.

So...
what do you think?

Well, um, what can I say?

I'm a little jealous, I guess.

I mean, I'll just come right out
and admit that.

Oh, stop it.
You are not.

Know who he kind of
reminds me of

a little bit?

Who?
No. Never mind.

No, no, no, please, who?

He reminds me
of Howie.

Howie?

Yeah.

Howie Maxwell?

Where do you get that?

Who's--
who's Howie Maxwell?

I don't know.

You know the way
that Howie--

Yeah, but his wasn't--
Yes, it was.

Who's Howie Maxwell?

He was this friend
of ours who...

I don't know.
How do you explain it?

[LAUGHING]
[LAUGHING]

I don't know.

I'll tell you later.

So how long has it been?

Jeez, I don't know--
two months.

Was he disformed,
d*sfigured in some way?

Who?

Howie.

Two months. Wow.

So what's going on
with you two?

Do we hear wedding bells?

Oh, no.

No, no, no.

God, no.

I--I mean...

We've never actually
discussed it,

but we've only been
dating for six months. Right?

You know,
if you'll both excuse me,

I actually have to, uh...

Pee.

Oh. Thank you.

Tough night, huh?

Oh, yeah.

Woman troubles.

That obvious, huh?

Hey. I've been there.

It's tough.

You're not kidding.

Can I give you
some advice? Sure.

How much
do you love her?

Well, quite a bit, actually.

Uh...quite a bit.

Then tell her how you feel.

Well, I think I have.

Well, then tell her
what your needs are.

I believe I've done that.

Then the only thing
left to do

is to lock her
out of the house,

throw all her crap
out on the front lawn,

and set her car on fire.

Okay. Uh...

I should probably
leave here now.

Thank you
very much for...

Thank you very much,

and, uh...

Where--
where's Stewart?

He left.

Oh.

And I don't believe it.

I mean, I really
don't believe it.

You don't believe what?

Hello.
My name is Alan.

That's terrific, Alan.
Maybe later. Thanks.

What is it? What is it?

Well, you were right.

I mean, Stewart
just told me

that he wanted us
to get back together,

and I really thought
that we were friends.

Let me tell you about
our dinner specials.

I would love to hear them, Alan,
but maybe a little later.

I mean, what do you expect?

I mean, you spend all day
gabbing to him on the phone

like a lovesick teenager--

You know, Dave, this is
a little painful for me.

I'm sorry. You're right.
Come here.

How did you--
how did you break it to him?

I told him I had
to think about it.

Ow!

I'm sorry.

What did you say?

Well, he poured
his heart out to me.

What did you expect me to do?

For an appetizer,
we have--

Buzz off, Alan.

You're actually
considering it.

Of course I'm not.

Yes, you are.
Where are you going?

I think I just
need to be alone right now, all right?

Alan, the lady's
ready to order.

I know you probably think
I'm overreacting, but--

Our dinner special--

Shut up, Alan.
Please, just shut up.

I'd really appreciate it
if you didn't tell

any of our coworkers
about this incident, all right?

Oh, and if you want
to talk to me,

I'll be home tonight when
you're done here, thanks.

Dave.
What?

Sit down.
No. Uh-uh.

Sit down!

Okay, is that
all out of your system?

I think so, yes.

Good.

Wh--

Alan, I think I'd like to hear
about those specials now.

[HUMMING]

What's up, Mr. James?

Hey, Joe,
what do you know?

Jimmy, good to see you.

Likewise, Bill.
How you doing?

Terrific. And you?

Can't complain.
Can't complain.

It's not mine.
I swear.

That wasn't me, Jimmy.

It was my head,

but I think it was
LaToya's body.

Okay. Fine.

All right.
Come on, you two.

Jeez, I don't know.

It's like everybody's going
absolutely bitchcakes today.

Okay.

Go.

It's her fault.

He put my picture of me
on the internet.

You robbed me of my gender.

Petty theft.

Okay, before this little feud
goes any farther--

Too late for that, Jim.

Last night, I tried
to use my bank card.

She changed
my PIN number.

You changed
my PIN Number first.

So you admit it.
So she admits it.

Garelli! Get in here.

Your name is Garelli?

So the jig is up?

It would seem so.

It was really quite beautiful.

I, the master,
you two, my unwitting pawns

in a game
that would destroy you both.

But why?

Five months, three weeks,
and two days ago,

you two split
a tuna sandwich

you found in the fridge,

a tuna sandwich
that belonged to me.

I told you I'd get
my revenge. I told you.

Oh, for pity's sake, Joe.
We were hungry.

[CHORTLING]

You do know that Bill ate
most of the sandwich.

Catherine, Bill,
why don't you leave Joe

here with me for a sec?

I'll deal with you later.

No, you won't.

You're right.
I won't.

Pretty elaborate revenge
for a tuna sandwich,

don't you think, Joe?

Yeah, well, I'm an electrician
at a radio station.

I've got a lot of free time
to k*ll, you know?

Oh, yeah?

Kind of risky to admit

in front of your boss,
isn't it?

Not really, because

I know your PIN number
too, Mr. James.

You know, I'm starting
to feel a little tired.

I think I'm going to take
the rest of the day off.

Joe...

5479.

3825.

How do you, uh,
how do you know mine?

I own a lot of banks, Joe.

I find these things out.

By the way, how's that
illegal cable box

working out for you?

Think I'll get back
to work now, sir.

That's my boy.

That sucks.

You'll be happy to know

that I had a long talk
with Stewart last night,

and I explained to him
why we'd never work out.

Good. Good.

I mean, obviously,
not good, but, uh...

Well, too bad
for Stewart,

but good for you. Good.
Good, good, good, good.

How long?

How long what?

How long
did you guys talk?

What is the matter
with you?

Nothing. I can understand
it might take a while,

because I hear Stewart's
a lot of laughs.

You are unbelievable.

You do not
trust me at all.

You're incapable of trusting
another human being.

Granted.

How long did you talk?

Oh, God.

I don't know--3:30.

5:37 exactly is when
he left your apartment.

You staked out
my apartment?

No, I didn't stake out
your apartment.

I just happened to be
outside at 5:37 exactly.

You're insane.
And you're lying.

Yeah, and you're
stringing Stewart along,

and you're a liar.

Oh, that's it.

Forget it.
We are through.

Great. Good.

Good. Terrific.

Look, maybe we should
talk about this later.

All right.

I'll be out here
working.

Okay. So if Stewart
comes by

looking to get some,

I'll direct him to your desk.

You're dumped.

No, no. You're dumped.

You are dumped.

No, you are dumped.
You are.

You're--oh, she's dumped.

Oh, I think we're
a little beyond a farewell--

I'm not coming on
to you, Dave.

This is
your stupid shirt.

I'm giving it back to you,
you idiot.

I didn't say anything.

You were thinking it.

Fair enough.

[♪]