02x18 - Led Zeppelin

[bunniefuu]

Well, I know
it's a crummy story,

but someone has to
do a piece

on the Williamsburg
bridge renovation.

Give it to me, Dave.
I'll take it.

Bet that's not the first time
Dave's heard Lisa say that.

Ha ha ha.

Come on.
Give it a rest.

And I'll bet that's
not the first time

Lisa's heard Dave
say that.

Look, you don't want
to get into this.

I bet Dave's never heard
that one before.

Seriously, this is
a very sensitive area.

Uh, that's
what she said.

Okay.
I'm telling them.

And I'll bet that's not
the firs--

Actually, that doesn't
really work, does it?

Um, well, uh, as
things stand right now,

It appears that,

uh, Lisa and I
are breaking up.

No!

Yes.

Uh, we--we have
broken up.

No.

What happened?

Can we please
not get into it?

No, we're going to
get into this.

We're going to get
into this right now.

Come on, man,
leave them alone.

They're fine.

Oh, right.
Look at them.

Go ahead,
look at them.

Come on, look.

I'll tell you what.

If anyone would like to
look at us later in the day,

you can just sign up with
Matthew, all right?

Meeting's adjourned,
all right?

Okay. Wait, hang on,
you guys. Lisa?

Don't ask me to
choose sides on this.

Nobody's asking you
to get in the middle.

Okay, because, Lisa,
I have to tell you.

I have always resented
your big apartment

and your easy-to-manage
hairstyle.

Well, I'm sorry.
It's not my fault

you can't budget
for rent and conditioner.

I feel like that little kid
in Kramer vs. Kramer...

and I will eat
the ice cream, Dave.

Fine.

Matthew, let me go.

David, David, come here.

Matthew, what--

Come on.
Where's the love?

Come on, you guys, let's get
into this right now. Seriously.

Let us go.

No, no.
No one's going anywhere

until we settle this.

Now, what's up?

[♪]

Okay, folks,
fasten your seatbelts.

It's going to be
a bumpy ride.

Bette Davis,
All About Eve?

No. Jimmy James,
all about me.

I'm going to need
a pot of coffee,

a box of number two
pencils, a legal pad,

and one of those thingies,

you put on your head,
you talk into it.

Oh, yeah. Peter
Frampton vocoder?

No.

Darth Vader
space helmet?

No.

Telephone
headset?

That's the one.

What's going on, Jimmy,
merger?

Ah, the Jimmy James
wife search continues.

I am down to 17 potential
candidates.

What happened
to the rich one?

You know, from the old family.

Oh, yes. The only woman
I've found

who has more money
than me.

Didn't work out.

Why not?

I think she may have been
a Dupont,

and between you and me,

I hear some of them
are kind of wacko.

Thanks.

Anyway,
I got to find a wife

by the end
of business today.

Why the rush?

Well, quite frankly,
Cathy, I'm...I'm lonely.

I am so very lonely.

Oh, Jimmy.

Plus I save a bundle
if I get hitched

by the end
of the fiscal quarter.

Thank you. Yeah,
just plug it in right here.

That's it. Testing. Not yet.

Testing. 1, 2--test--
This--this is cool.

Testing. Testing. 1, 2.

Hello, Cleveland.
Are you ready?

Please welcome...
Grand Funk Railroad!

Aah!

Beth. Come here.

What?

You know...

I'm really worried
about Lisa. Listen.

[SOBBING]

Oh, my God.

She's taking this
a lot harder

than I thought she would.

Yeah. You know, you should
really talk to her.

You know,
chick to chick.

Seriously.

What's going on?

Hey.

Sorry I was--ahem--

monopolizing
the break room.

I was just looking
for my chips.

[VOICE BREAKING]
Found them.

Melanie.

No, Melanie!

Mel--wha--eh...

Let me ask you
one last question. Yeah.

How are you and this, uh,
Antonio Banderas fella doing?

Oh. Oh, really?

But--wha--

You--you think
it's going to work out?

Oh, really?

You sure he's not in it
just for the Green Card?

Hello?

Oh. Hi, Lisa.
Um...

Promos.

Thanks.

I was talking to Matthew.

He wants us to see
a marriage counselor.

Ahem. Tech report.

The poor guy's
taking it pretty hard.

Buchanan piece.

How many segments
are there?

Five. Lisa, do you want to have
a seat for a minute?

Uh, can't. Busy.

Doing what?

Story. Bridge.
Williamsburg.

Insane. You. Why?

Look, I--I just think
it would be better

if we didn't speak
for a while.

That's all.

That's going to be
kind of awkward,

seeing as we work together,
won't it?

Well, there's other
methods of communicating

besides speaking.

Do you mean sex?

Because I thought we'd
stopped doing that.

Memos.

M-mem-memos?

Written memos.

Mem--that's absurd.
That...

"Absurd or not,

you've got to give me
some space for a while."

All right, uh...

"To Lisa from Dave,

"Re: memos.

"Screw...

this."

What do you mean,

handwritten memos
will not be accepted?

And how's our brokenhearted husk
of a news director

holding up?

Well, I have
to admit, Bill--

Tell me about it.

I'm in the same boat.

My girlfriend,
you know, Linda?

Dumped me.

Oh, I'm sorry, Bill.
I really am.

But for the record,
I wasn't dumped.

It was a mutual decision.

Ha ha--I believe you.

Hurts, doesn't it?

Yes. Yes, it does.

Been lying awake till
4:00 in the morning?

Uh, yeah, I have.

Listening to the same record
over and over.

Yeah. Bob Dylan, uh,
Blood on the Tracks.

What about you?

Oh, I don't like music.

Well, what do you do
when you're up all night?

I've been sleeping like a rock.

You and me, buddy,
we'll get through this together.

Thanks, Bill. Thanks.
That's great.

Beth. Come here.

Yeah. What is it?

You feel it?

Oh yeah. Yeah.

Feel what?

The mood.

The--the office vibe.

It's like ever since Dave
and Lisa broke up,

it's like
a morgue in here...

[SCREAMING]

You know?

Oh yeah.

Okay. Hey, sorry. I got
trapped by Matthew.

Listen, the memo thing,
right?

It seems a little
cruel to me.

Well, I just don't want
to talk to him right now.

That's all.

I tried that on him too,

but he still makes
you do work.

No, it's not that.

It's just that if I
talk to him, we'll argue.

And?

And if we argue
long enough,

I'll start yelling,
and when I yell, I--

Feel incredibly guilty
for a month?

I know that feeling.
It's gross.

No.
Well, what is it?

Never mind. Nothing.

Oh, please tell me.
No.

What is it?
Nothing.

Now you're going
to get a soda.

Please tell me.
I won't tell anyone.

Okay, fine!

When I yell...

I get incredibly...

horny.

What?

When I was in high school,
I had to quit the debate team

because I was afraid
I was going to get pregnant.

You know what?
It's weird,

because Dave
once said to me

that he was really
turned on by you

when you got mad at him.

Well, now you know why.

Recall, if you will,

the lame argument
about the NRA?

Yeah, we ended up
doing it

in the elevator.

Wow.

Ewww!

And you know what?
That argument was not lame.

The second amendment
clearly states--

Hold on. You're
not going to try

to feel me up right
now, are you?

No, listen to me.
Listen to me. Wynonna?

No. You're the only woman
I could ever really love.

Winona Ryder?

Judd.

Already married, huh?

Ohh.

So, is your mom around?

No? Then, uh...

put your sister
on the line.

How you holding up,
fellow dumpee?

Oh, pretty good.
How are you doing?

What you working on?

Uh, Lisa won't talk to me,
so I'm writing her a memo.

Well, it started as a memo.
It's up to seven pages.

Memos? That's ridiculous.

I know.

But just
like a woman.

Yeah, exactly.

I will never understand

what goes on inside
their woman heads.

Me either. Me either.

I hear you.

Like when they're mad at you
and won't tell you why.

Good one.

And why do they always
take so long in the bathroom

when you're in a hurry
to go somewhere?

I know. Lisa would be in there
for 45 minutes.

That's nothing.

One time Linda and I were late
for the theater,

she was in the bathroom
for three hours.

Three hours?

And when I finally
broke down the door,

she had gone out the window
and down the fire escape.

Really?

Yeah. Typical, huh?

Sure. Uh, you know--
and the other thing was

we'd go to a restaurant,

Lisa would always expect me
to pay.

Oh! Women in restaurants
are the worst.

Linda would never
pick up a check,

and she'd always try to
steal some silverware.

No kidding?

And the plates
and the tablecloth.

A guy would never
do something like that.

That's actually
kind of weird, Bill.

I know. Women.

So then she accuses
the waiter

of trying to poison her.

Big fight.

She goes outside,
sets the trashcan on fire.

Blah-blah-blah,
you know how it is.

This happened every time
you went out?

Oh, don't rub it in.

Know what else is really
weird about Linda?

You know, I think Linda

might be weirder than most,
Bill.

They will never, ever
admit they're wrong.

Oh, that is true.

I mean, why can't Lisa just
admit I might be right?

I don't know.

Why does Linda always turn
herself in to the police

for crimes she
didn't commit?

You know, they're women.
Go figure.

Bill, I think Linda
might be clinically insane.

Yeah, clinically insane
like a fox.

What woman isn't?

Hey. What?

I thought you were a woman.

Bill, how many times
do I have to tell you?

Dave, look.

Lisa sent you a little bouquet
of flowers.

No, she didn't.

No, she did.
There's a little card, see?

No, she didn't,

and I suppose
you gave Lisa flowers

and said they were from me
as well.

Come on. Why would I do
something like--

How's the memo
coming along?

Just finishing up page 24.

Wow. That's bound
to get her attention.

That's what
John Hinckley thought.

Let me read it.

No, no, no.
This is intensely personal.

That would be
very embarrassing for me.

You're just like Linda.

She had a hard time
opening up to me.

"Sharing," as they say.

Maybe she didn't trust you.

Maybe you're right.

I guess I'm hard to trust,
but still,

she could've told me
her home address.

She never gave her address?

No. She said she'd had
some tax problems,

didn't want to put me
in the position

of having to lie
to the government

on her behalf.

Hey, I've been there, pal.

Beth, is anybody using
the printer out there?

Nope.

All right.

Dave, why are you
locking your office?

I don't want anyone
looking at my computer

while I'm printing.

Well...whatcha
printing?

Nothing. It's personal.

Does it have anything
to do

with a surprise
birthday party

you're planning for me?

No, it's personal.

Now that I've
said that,

I've blown
the surprise.

You're not going to throw
the party!

That's right. Go away now.

Ohhh. Dang!
Oh!

What's up, dude?
What you printing?

Nothing. It's personal.
Leave me alone.

Okay. Fine.

Hey, Dave.

Uh-huh.

Know that thing
that you're printing?

Which is none
of your business.

Right, which is none
of my business.

Well, it's, uh,
actually printing

over there on
the other printer,

the one that's hooked up
to the network.

Oh, thank you, Joe.

No problem, big guy.

[CHUCKLES]

So, if I can get you
to yell at me,

will you think
I'm sexy?

Beth, can we
please drop it?

What do you do
at a basketball game?

"Hey, ref, bad call! Boo!
Let's get it on!"

Knock it off!

I want you to hold that thought.

I'm going to go freshen up.

Hello, Lisa.

Hi.

I'm sorry. I should
have typed that up

and submitted it

in the proper
memorandum format.

This is between
Dave and me, okay?

Typical woman behavior.

What?

You're just like Linda.

She used to tell me
I wasn't allowed

to talk to other human beings.

Well, Dave and I talk.

About what?

Just things.
This, that, and the other.

Well, do you talk about me?

I hardly think
that's your business.

My God, you do.

What did he say
about me?

Things. Just things.

Don't play
games with me!

You got what you wanted
from Dave, right?

And then you snapped
your legs shut

like a well-oiled bear trap!

Oh, my God.

I did nothing
of the sort,

you dumb pig,
and Bill,

would you please leave
this room right now?

Or else what?

Or else I'm going
to yell at you some more.

So bring it on!
I can take it!

Beth!

Yeah? What is it?

I'm very angry at Bill
right now.

So what else is new?

I'm about--
Say no more.

Bill, you've got
to get out of here.

Trust me on this one.

You're just like
Linda...

Except crazy!

Oh yeah?

You're like a werewolf
or something.

[MUFFLED]

Did you just lick
my hand?

That's it.
I'm out of here.

24 pages.

I can't believe

that under your placid,
pasty exterior

lay such a volcano
of emotion.

Yeah, I've done some seething
in my time.

In high school, I was voted
"most likely to erupt."

I had a bit of
a complexion problem myself.

The important thing now

is to erase that file
from your computer.

The jackals out there
would k*ll for this document.

You're right.

Done.

All right.

here goes nothing.

I can't give this
to Lisa.

Why not?

What if this thing

is just 24 pages
of hysterical ranting?

Isn't that what you were
aiming for?

No.

Okay. You're going to need
someone objective

to take a look at it,

someone who's respectful
of your feelings.

A close friend.

You don't have anyone
like that, do you?

Well, Lisa kind of
used to fill that purpose.

And you screwed that
up, didn't you?

So...okay,
give it to me.

No.
Give it!

No.

I'm not going to say
anything to anybody about it.

Yes, you will.

Perhaps, but look
at it this way.

Even if I completely
betrayed you

and blabbed it
to everyone,

no one would
believe me.

Why is that?

Because I'm widely
considered

to be an inveterate
liar,

and rightly so.

But look,
you have to promise

it doesn't leave
this room, okay?

I promise.

You may not believe this,
but I do care about you.

Thank you.

Ooh.

What?

This is a word,
in my experience,

that the ladies
don't exactly go for.

Oh, that's a typo.

That's supposed
to be "pushy."

Well, when I printed the file,
one of the pages was missing.

Dude, you should never
erase a file

unless you're sure you've got
a hard copy.

Well, can you just find it?

And please don't read it,
all right?

Uh, Dave, this just came
through the fax for you.

I'm pretty sure
it's yours.

Uh...Y-you didn't read this,
did you?

Um, only down to,
uh...right here.

"Love is hard, but
losing love, harder."

Then I figured
it was yours.

Joe, how did this happen?
My computer can't send faxes.

Sure it can. I rigged it.

Dave, Dave, Dave.

Thank you.

"Losing love, harder."

I hope someday
I meet a man

who says something
that beautiful to me

when I dump him.

Thank you.

Hey, is this it, dude?

Joe, that's just a bunch
of ones and zeroes.

Ah. I forget, not everybody
can read binary code.

Let's see.

"What is jealousy

"but the flame
of passion--

No, that's not it, Joe,
but thanks for looking.

Ha ha ha.

Thanks, Joe. Thanks.
Thanks for trying.

Okay. No problem. Ha ha.

Thank you. Thanks, Joe.

Here you go, Dave.

What is it, Catherine?

One of the interns
found this page

jammed inside the printer.

Huh. Never seen that before.

Sure you haven't,
sweetie.

Um...

You didn't read this, did you?

Of course not,
but you know that line,

"Two hearts side by side
in the dark,

"each b*ating
a wild rhythm

of deep yearning
fully satisfied"?

I-is that in here?

And by the way, Dave,

It's not right to say

"To desperately beg
on bended knee."

I know.
It's a split infinitive.

Really?

I just thought
it sounded pathetic.

No way.

Really?

Yeah, well, Citizen Kane's
my favorite movie too.

Yeah. Well, what's
your favorite album?

Oh, oh. That's, uh,

that's by Simon
and Garfunkel, right?

Oh, it--
just Garfunkel, you say?

Uh-huh.

Well, uh, can't say
that I know that album,

but I will go out on a limb

and say I don't think it's going
to work out between us.

Yeah. Sorry.

Hey, Lisa.
You ought to talk to Dave.

The poor guy's
really broken up.

Well, I find that
very unlikely.

No, it's true.
He spent the entire day

writing you a beautiful
love letter.

Dave does not write
love letters.

Uh, yes, he does.

I read it. It's some
pretty heavy stuff.

Yeah. Seriously. It's like
Bridges of Madison County.

Not that I'd ever
read that crap, but...

Okay.

What does it say?

Well, he mainly
talked about

how he still loves you,

and that he's willing to wait
as long as he has to.

Yeah, but then he said
he's sorry he got jealous,

but he can't wait around
forever.

I'm sorry,

but you guys should've
got your stories straight.

There was that one part
where he was going on about

"We could work
something out about

I can pay for dinners,
and you pay for the tip."

Well, that sounds like Dave.
What else did it say?

What did what say?

Dave's love letter
memo to Lisa.

Oh, yeah. The love
letter memo. Right.

My favorite part
was the part he said

he wanted to take you
on a magic carpet ride

like in Aladdin,

and he was a man that would
fight for your honor,

even if it meant
against evil octopuses,

like in
Little Mermaid.

Nice try, everyone.

Well, and--and if you
were Pocahontas...

Dave, can I give you
one final bit of advice?

Uh, which is?

Don't give Lisa
that memo.

No?

It will only turn around
and bite you on the ass.

Well, how can you be so sure?

Personal experience.

I just met Linda
for coffee.

She said she missed me,

she wanted to get back
together,

so I gave her a letter
just like yours.

Really? Where did you find
the time to write a letter?

Oh, I just xeroxed
a copy of yours.

Bill, that is a complete
betrayal of my trust.

What did you expect from me?

You're right.

So, what did Linda
say about the letter?

Well, she said it seemed

like it was written
by a total psycho.

You don't say.

She got so upset,

she flagged down
a police car

and told them
I was from Neptune.

Women, huh?

Can't live
with them...

Can't live without them.

Now you're talking,
brother.

Yeah.

Uh, tough day
with the ladies, sir?

Yeah.

Well, you know,
maybe, uh...

cold calling prospective
wife candidates

isn't such a good plan.

Maybe.

I mean, I'd try the Internet,

but all the really sexy women
on there

are actually guys
using fake names.

Want to go for
a drink or something?

No, you go ahead.
You know what?

I'm going to make
one more call.

It's kind of
a long sh*t.

I took my mother
off speed dial.

Okay,
where do you want to go?

How about that crappy
Mexican bar downstairs?

Good. Let me pack up my toys.
I'll meet you there.

All right.
See you there.

All right.

[SIGHS]

Um...

Um--

A memo that says,
"good night"?

Lisa, this is
getting idiotic.

You're trying
to make me yell,

and I'm not going to do it.

Believe me, the last thing
I want in the world

is you yelling at me.

Oh yeah? Well,
same to you, Dave!

Same to you!

Look, there was something
I wanted you to read, but...

I'll just leave it
out here.

You can read it
if you want to.

I don't care.

I'm just going to take
the damn stairs.

Whoa! Very funny!

Made me look!

Yeah, go--go on!
Take the damn stairs!

Go ahead, and--and damn you!

Damn him.

Damn.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What are you all
ticked off about?

[♪]