02x20 - Coda

[bunniefuu]

All right, now.

Um, I think maybe

I should remind
some people here

that answering
the phones

"WNYX news radio"

is a little more
professional than

"WNYX, kickin' it
on the news tip."

You are so
white, Dave.

Well, I'm so sorry,
soul sister.

Does anyone else have any tips
they want to kick it on?

Dave, as you know,

we've often talked about
doing something together

as a group.

We already do
something together.

It's called "work."

And since
the softball thing

didn't pan out
last summer

for whatever reason...

Maybe because softball
is played with a bat?

At least I tried.

And a ball.

Whatever.

The point is to do
something together.

Um, Matthew, if you're planning
another office outing

to see a Knicks game,

could you please purchase
the tickets in advance?

I said whatever.

I didn't know New York
was such a big sports town.

Matthew,
what is your point?

We've talked about

renting a summer house
in the Hamptons,

and I think
I've finally found

the...perfect...place.

Look at that.

Oh, beautiful.

What is this?

That's a creek that runs

right through
the front yard.

What's that?

An old woman
in front of a station wagon.

Well, hello, old soul.

Who are you?

Anyway, uh,

it's a great house,
great location,

if we all pitch in,
it's really, really cheap.

Cheap? I'm in.

Who's in?
Me. definitely.

Great.

Then going to need
your signatures

and a security deposit
by the end of the day.

Guys? By the end of
the... Catherine.

I'll sign after
everyone else signs.

Joe.

I'll sign
after she signs.

Bill, will you get the ball
rolling here for me, please?

Oh, I don't know.

Come on,
think about it.

Summer in the Hamptons.

Sitting on the porch
in the cool breeze,

sipping a glass
of lemonade...

Or a gin and tonic,
perhaps?

There you go.

Go on, go on,
tell me more.

Listening to
the crickets chirp

as the waves wash
over the shore.

Ah, yes.

Watching the kindly
old lady next door

wash her station wagon.

Leaning back too far
in your chair

and falling
flat on your ass.

What?

Nothing.

Oh, man, you scared me.
Go on, tell me--

[♪]

Dave, do you have
a moment?

Sure, Bill. Oh, no.

Not another break
dancing demonstration.

Let's just listen
to this together.

All right.

[cr*ck]

[CROWD CHEERING]

The cr*ck of the bat,
the roar of the crowd.

That's right,
baseball's back.

Hello, New York.
I'm Bill McNeal.

Join us opening day
live from Yankee stadium

for all the action.

The boys of summer
and WNYX--a winning team.

I've been meaning to tell you,

you did an excellent job, Bill.
Thank you.

You always come through,

and it was a pleasure
putting it together.

You're too kind.

It's nothing at all.

You're right.
It is nothing,

considering
that you took my promo,

chopped it to shreds,
and ruined it.

No, I cut a couple of lines.
I hardly think I ruined it.

Uh-huh. Well, you ripped out
its heart

and shoved it
down its throat.

Then you put the whole thing
through a meat grinder,

then you cooked it up,
you ate it with a spoon,

and barfed it back
onto a cassette tape.

Come again?

You ripped out its heart,
shoved it down its throat--

Bill, I was just trying
to do my job.

Oh. I didn't realize
your job entailed

ripping out things' hearts,
shoving it down--

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.

I assume this is
about opening day promo.

Bill, tell me you didn't
go over my head.

I most certainly
did not.

Wait a minute. That wasn't you

that called my office
about an hour ago

whispering something about
ripping something's heart out,

shoving it somewhere--
not you?

No, not ringing any bells.

Oh, Bill, that is just pathetic.

Do I go behind your back
and bitch about you?

Yes.

Lucky guess.

All right,
I'm solving this right now.

How?

You're both fired.

All right.

Hey! I'm kidding.
Play the tape.

[cr*ck]

[CROWD CHEERING]

The cr*ck of the bat,
the roar of the crowd.

That's right,
baseball's back.

Hello, New York.
I'm Bill McNeal. Join--

Wait a minute.

Where's the line
about from the first pitch

to the final out?

Ha!

I, uh, cut that.

I loved that line!

Ha!

I thought it
slowed things down.

We're going to put that line
right back in.

Fine. Where?

We're going to take out
"from the cr*ck of the bat

to the roar
of the crowd."

Put it there.

What? You can't cut that line.

That line speaks to the truth
of the human condition.

No, it doesn't.

Like you would know?

But it is a good line.

The kid's got a point.

All right. Beth!

You rang?

We need to get a couple of pots
of coffee in here,

an editor,
some editing equipment.

Are you going to
need pillows and blankets?

Nah.

Are you going to need
Mr. Teddy bear?

Beth, please.

He has a name.

Sorry. Are you
going to be needing

Mr. Bubby Wubby
Shmoopsie Poops?

Maybe later.

Beth, are you in
on the house share?

Are you kidding?
I live for the Hamptons.

Great. Great.

I need your
signature there.

I don't think I've ever
signed anything official.

Cool. Oh, what is this,
a floor plan?

Oh, uh, yeah.

Some of these rooms
look kind of smallish.

That's not actual size.

Mm-hmm. Who gets the big room?

That's one of those
little details

that will work itself out.

Oh, we'll have, like,
a meeting?

A group meeting.

Cool. Okay.
All right, I'm in!

Great. Sign right there.

Okay. This is exciting.

Do you need
a middle initial?

I need a check.

Ah, yes...

Money.
Heh heh.

Cash.
Heh heh heh.

Yeah. The cabbage.

Los dineros.

The long green.

Yeah.

I don't have any money.

Is that going
to be a problem?

Sort of.

You know what, though?

I've got at least
20 friends

who'd be willing to go
in on my room with me

until I can get myself...

Wait a minute.
You mean outsiders?

I don't mean 20 people
all at once.

I mean breaking it up--

10 people one weekend,
10 the next.

People aren't against
sub-subletting, are they?

We'll have to have
a group meeting on that...

but maybe!

Come on, Lisa.

You've got to
help me out.

Without this electrical
certification diploma,

I'm not even allowed
to change a fuse.

Joe, I've seen you
change fuses.

Shh!

No, you haven't.

You've seen me build
an electronic device

that changes fuses on its own.

It's kind of a gray area.

I still don't understand
what the difference is.

Well, it makes a big difference
in the eyes of the union.

If they knew,
I'd be in trouble.

Okay, fine, it's important,

but I don't know the first thing
about electronics.

But you know about
taking tests, right?

You know, I did get 800
on my math SAT's.

What does 800 stand for?

Your score,

or the amount of times
you brag about your score?

Don't make me make you beg.

I'm sorry.

Too late. Beg.

No. I won't beg.

All right, well,
good luck to you, then.

All right. All right.
All right. All right.

I hereby beg you
to help me.

Ahem.

Ple-e-e-ease?

Okay.

Well, anyway,
so what I need--

Get me a soda.

Kiss my foot.

Aw, come on!

Just kidding. All right.
I'm just kidding.

Okay, when's your test?

Four hours.

Joe, why didn't you
come to me sooner?

It's hard for me to...

Look, everybody needs
a little help sometimes.

I've never asked
anybody for help.

in my whole life.

Well, it's nothing
to be ashamed of.

Especially
not from a chick.

You know, I mean,

I've asked chicks
to help me out...

If you know
what I mean.

Well, Joe, that's not help.
That's charity.

[cr*ck]

[CROWD ROARS]

The cr*ck of the bat,
the roar of the crowd.

That's right
baseball's back.

Join us--

[STOPS TAPE]

Okay, the other version.

[cr*ck]

[CROWD ROARS]

Baseball's back,
and WNYX has it.

Hello, New York.

At this point,
I'm confused.

I heard a sound,
but what was it?

Was it a bat cracking,
a crowd, perhaps, roaring?

I have no way of knowing.

Look, I liked the line too,

but I think those sounds
are plenty recognizable.

Oh, really?

Let's hear what the
common man has to say.

Hey, guy, could you--

Bill, at least call the man
by his name.

My name is Guy.

Hi, Guy.

Regardless, regardless,
"cr*ck of the bat" stays.

Yes!

So cut
"I'm Bill McNeal."

No!

And all that crap about
WNYX winning team,

whatever that was.

No. That's the most
important part of the promo.

Why don't we just cut
every third word

and be done with it?

Coming right up.

cr*ck bat, roar crowd.

Can one back has York,
McNeal.

Pitch final opening Yankee
action, boys WNYX team.

Well, beam me up,
Slappy.

That's "Scotty," sir.

Ahh, geek test.

Busted.
Busted.

You guys think
that's something?

Check this out.

I'm Bill McNeal on cr*ck.
I like boys.

Destroy that right now.
I'm not kidding.

So you're saying
everyone's

put up their share?

Yeah, everyone.

By "everyone,"
you do know I mean Beth?

Of course.

No, wait a minute.

She's not bringing in
a bunch of strangers, is she?

Well, you know what they say?

A stranger is just a friend
you haven't met yet...

and we'll be having
none of those.

Okay, and what about Bill?

What about Bill?

Can you promise me

he won't be
walking around

in his Speedos all summer?

Okay, yeah. Yeah.

As the official
house manager,

that's just part
of my job.

Makes me sick
just thinking about it.

Mmm. I hear that.

Good.

So, sign it
right there.

Okay.

Great.

Hey, who gets
the big room?

Maybe you.

[cr*ck, CROWD CHEERING]

I'm telling you,

that sound could just
as easily be, you know,

a cricket match or
a public caning or something.

I wish summer was already here.

Oh, I hear that.

And initial.

There you go.

Okay, look out, summer,
here we come.

Yeah. The sun,
the fun,

the sea, the sand,
my Speedos.

Speedos, you say?

Yeah. You should
give them a try.

Speedos are just so--

Well, it's not like

we're going to have
a dress code per se,

but aren't they
a little revealing?

They are indeed.

Seven times.

I've flunked this test
seven times, you know?

I don't want to
say conspiracy--

I am starting to see
a pattern here.

Okay, one of last year's
questions was,

"In the following circuit,
the potential is blank volts,"

and you answered,

"I refuse to answer
the question

on the grounds that
the design of this circuit

is totally sucky."

Yeah. I don't know
how that dumb bastard

ever got to be a professor.

Oh. Well, you know what?

That would explain

why you answered
the next question,

"If you want
to build a thermostat

"that won't be affected
by humidity,

try this, you dumb bastard."

I get very impatient

with people who are
lazy about technology.

Okay, "describe the fundamental

operating principle
of a battery."

"See the following
three blue books"?

Did you ever see
the movie Seven, Joe?

Yeah. Whoever wrote
that movie's an idiot.

Most of those murders
would never work.

All right. Well,
moving right along--

Look, you know
what the problem is?

I'm just too smart
for this stupid test.

Joe, listen to me.
The point of taking a test

is not always to give
the right answer.

It is to give them the answer
they're looking for.

Yeah, right. What am I
supposed to do?

I'm supposed to
sit in my box

and be
all mild-mannered

like whatever it is
they make veal out of?

Yes...yes.

It's called "playing the game."

Well, I'm not a mindless
drone, all right?

Mindless drones
don't deserve

to be using
technology.

You are the Unabomber,
aren't you?

Line up for
the lease-signing party.

Who gets the big room?
Who gets the big room?

Whoever signs it first.

Seriously, I do need
your signatures.

Come on, Lisa.

Hot town,
summer in the city...

Back of your neck

getting dirty
and gritty?

What?

Is it?

Okay, now, Matthew,

you can guarantee
Dave and I will be there

on alternate weekends?

Okay, when I'm there,
he's not.

And when he's there,
you're not,

and vice-versa
to infinity. Yes.

Okay, now, you can
guarantee me this?

Can do. Guarantee.

Okay, because otherwise,

things could get
a little uncomfortable.

Uh, did Beth pay?

Practically.

Big room?

Maybe you.

Speedos?

Speedon't.

Hey, guys.

Hey, Matthew!

The summer house.

Yeah, who gets
the big room?

Oh, is one of the rooms
bigger?

I hadn't even
noticed that.

And we're doing this thing
on alternate weekends?

Yeah.

Can you do me a favor?
Come here.

Could you arrange it

so that Lisa and I are there
on the same weekend?

I just think if we
spend time together

away from work,

that we might
be able to...

Oh, get back together.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure.

In fact, Lisa and I
were just discussing

almost that topic.

Really?
What did she say?

Uh-uh-uh. Save it
for the Hamptons.

Okay, all right,
but--

Looking good, though.
Looking real good.

Bye, guys.

Bye, Matthew!

The problem with even
attempting to extend

the analog DBC

is if you don't back up
your surge relays,

you're going to have
power flux,

which brings up
an interesting problem--

Wrong. The correct answer
was "extension cord."

Extension cord.

Joe, you're way
over thinking these questions.

And your time is now up.

You know what the problem is
is I'm just too smart

for this stupid test.

I'm serious, you know?

I mean, I'm just operating

on a whole different level
of intelligentness.

BETH:
He's so right.

No, he's not.

Lisa, may I?

Thanks for your help.

How ya doin', Joe?
Good.

You know what?

I'm going to ask you
a few questions

that I think might help,
okay?

I'm cool with that.

Who in this office

once almost crushed
a janitor to death

while trying to
soup up the elevator?

That'd be me.

Okay. Who is it
that thinks

we never really
landed on the moon?

If you look
at those tapes--

Who is it, Joe?

Me.

And what guy refused
to go to the dentist

and decided to try to
fill his own tooth

using tinfoil?

Me. Still can't chew
on that side, eh?

You see, Joe?
You can be stupid.

You can.

You think so?

I know so.

This is the saddest
After-school Special

I have ever seen.

[CHUCKLING]

Okay, yeah, this is like
that episode of Star Trek

with the parallel universe

where everything
is exactly the same

except everyone's on heroin.

There was no such episode.

Geek test two.

Excellent.

Ha ha ha.

Beth, you want
to see a trick?

No, that's okay.

No, let's do it.
Who goes first?

Sir, you start.

Me. Okay, okay, okay, okay.

The...
cr*ck...

of...
the... bat...

The...
roar... of...

The...
crowd... baseball's...

back...
and... WNYX...

has...
has... has...

It.

[LAUGHTER]

You guys are getting

a little punchy,
aren't you?

You...
guys... are...

getting...
a... little...

punchy...
aren't... you?

[LAUGHTER]

We are all a bunch of morons.

We...
are...

a...
bunch...

Hey!

Got your checks,
I got your signatures,

so set the controls
for fun in the sun...

Whoo! Sun!

And I'm going to need an extra
$100 from everybody.

It's just to cover Beth.

Come on, people.

It's only a hundred bucks.

Small price to pay
for a whole summer

of blissful
Speedo freedom,

or should I say
"Speedom"?

Matthew? Matthew?

He's joking!

"Speedom." come on.
He's joking.

The human body
in its natural state

is no joke, my friend.

That's fine.

Just make sure
I'm not down there

on the same weekends as
Mr. Speedo man, okay?

Me neither.

Can do. Can do.

Wait a minute.

Matthew, you told me
you could guarantee...

What are you guys
whispering--

Nothing, nothing.

We're going to
talk about it later.

You've already invited
someone up there

for the weekend,
haven't you?

Dave...

You know what?

We're going to have
a whole wonderful summer

to iron these kinks out.

Now, Matthew,
I get the big room, right?

I'm supposed to get
the big room.

You?

Who did you say could
have the big room?

Everybody--what? Nobody.
Everybody. Maybe you!

Maybe you!
Maybe you! Maybe you!

Maybe not!

I'm out of here! I'm out!

We're a family here.
Sit down.

We're a big happy family--

[SLAP]

Happy, happy family.

Now, let me say to you

what I said
to my brother

last Thanksgiving...

Give me my money back!

No! No, sir!

Listen, the checks
have been deposited, okay?

If anybody wants to back out,

they're going to have
to sell their shares.

Sold!

What? Okay, okay.
That's fine with me.

Go ahead and sell them,
that's fine with me,

because guess who's
getting the big room?

Maybe me! Maybe me! Maybe me!

Suckers!

[cr*ck]

[CROWD CHEERS]

The cr*ck of the bat

can only mean WNYX has baseball
from New York.

Hello. I'm Bill McNeal.

Join us and the boys of summer
for action!

The WNYX team winning...

[CLICK]

That is the most garbled,
incoherent piece of crap

I've ever heard.

You see?

They ripped out its heart
and shoved it down its throat--

Bill, please!

Can't we just compromise?

No!
Why?

Because compromise
is how we wound up with

"Join us and the boys of summer
for action,"

which would be fine

if we were running
a gay chat line.

You said you were
fine with that!

That's because
I want to get

the stupid thing
over with, all right?

Check this out.

[cr*ck]

[CROWD CHEERING]

[ORGAN PLAYS]

Opening day. WNYX.

[CLICK]

Wow.

You can say that again.

That was...compelling
and suspenseful.

It really grabs you.

What are you talking about?

It's terrible!

She took away all my words!
All my wonderful words!

Great job, Cathy.

Oh, thank you,
Jimmy.

Terrific work, Catherine.
Really terrific.

Thank you.

Give me back
my wonderful words.

Well, why didn't
we think of that?

Oh, hell, I don't care
which version they used.

I just wanted
to teach Bill a lesson

about going over your head.

Oh, well, thank you.

You realize you also
wasted my whole day.

I also wanted
to teach you a lesson

about cutting up
Bill's stuff.

Ahh. All right.

But, I mean, what about
that poor editor?

I wanted to teach him
a lesson about, uh...

I don't know. Editing,
I guess. I gotta go.

So how did you do?

I got every answer
completely wrong,

but after the test,

I was on the elevator
with the professor

and eight other students...

And the elevator broke.

And I was the only one
who knew how to fix it,

using only a safety pin,
a gum wrapper,

and a subway token.

I supplied the hardware.

The professor
was very impressed,

and let me slide with
an a*t*matic C-plus.

Well, congratulations.

It was amazing.
Thank you.

So...the elevator
broke down, huh?

Yeah. Seems it was missing
this thing right here.

Heh heh heh heh.

Would you like me to throw that
in the East River for you?

Please do, ma'am.

You know
what time it is.

Well--ahem--anyways,
uh, Eddie,

I can't tell you
how happy we are

that you're taking
Bill's place

with the summer house.

Well, I'm looking
forward to it.

Hey, why don't you meet

some of the other
summer house members?

Um, Eddie,
say hello to Milos.

Hi.

He snagged up
Beth's share,

and this is Michael,

who'll be taking
Catherine's place.

Say hello to Joanne,
Lisa's cousin,

and that's Arthur,

a guy Joe met
on the street.

Anyways, I think we're
going to all have

one great
summer together.

Who gets big room?

Shut up!

Ha! Humpha!

I'm just tense.
I'm tense!

Big room? Maybe you.
Or you.

[♪]