02x21 - Led Zeppelin II

[bunniefuu]

Okay, look, I don't want
to be be a hard-ass,

but I really think the key
to an effective staff meeting

lies in two simple words:

paying attention.

Beth.

What?

What did
I just say?

Um, something about
pain and tension?

Dave, what's the matter with you
today, man?

Lisa's ignoring him again.

She is, and that's why
he's all dressed up.

DAVE: Uh-uh.

He's trying to get
Lisa's attention

so she'll
speak to him again.

That's not true.

Oh, and one more thing.

The building has just installed
new security cameras

in the stairwells
and foyer, so--

Hey, everybody, I think Joe
has something he's like to say.

Security cam--
Man, that's totally bogus.

I don't need Big Brother
looking over my shoulder

24 hours a day.

Well, I'm glad they're up.

Now we can find out

if that weird intern
really sleeps in the stairwell.

Yeah, well,
you ever hear of 1984?

Heard of it.

How do you know
we're not subjects

of some grand
social experiment,

engineered by unnamed,
unseen forces,

headquartered under
some mountain in Virginia

or something?

Wait a minute, Joe.

If what you're saying
is true...

Then I still
don't care.

Yeah, you're living
in a dream world, Dave.

No, if I was living
in a dream world,

it wouldn't be
quite like this.

Sorry. Sorry
I'm late.

Okay, what
did I miss?

Oh, just
the usual stuff.

You ignoring Dave,
him whining about it.

Hey, Lisa...

Dave's looking fine today,
isn't he?

Why is he
all dressed up?

Well, why don't you ask him?

Hey, Bill...

Why is Dave
all dressed up?

Hold on, I've got it.

It's not for her.
He's started dating again.

Why, you
cold-hearted bastard.

I'm impressed.

Is it a lunch date?

Look, just because I like
to look nice for work--

He's cheating on Lisa!

How can he be cheating on me
if we've already broken up?

They can always
find a way, honey.

I ain't lying down
for Big Brother, man.

How about you?

Well, I'm an only child.

What? What are we looking for,
anyways?

Cameras.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh--

Is that one right there?
Right there.

That's a fluorescent
light, man.

Fluorescent light...
Those look weird, huh?

Where do you think
they are?

It's right there.
Right up there. Where?

Ho.

See anybody?
Look around. No.

Get on my shoulders.
Why?

Come on. We got
to get the camera.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Give me a little, uh...

Come on, man,
just get up there.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay.

I'll take my shoes off
so I don't hurt you.

Could you please
hold these?

Okay.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

Wait a minute.

Oh, a lot better.

Well, reach out and grab ahold
of the mounting fixture.

Pull yourself up.

Oh, okay.

You got it?

Yeah.

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

Hey, Joe.
Mr. James. What's up?

What's new?
Nothing.

Good, good.

How about yourself?

I'm all right.

MATTHEW: Oh!

[♪]

Uh, I was wondering
if you wanted

to go over my Bob Dole piece.

Sure, sure.

Okay, how about
about during lunch today?

Uh, you know what?

Lunch won't be good for me.

I'm sorry. I can't make that.

Uh, why is that?

Uh... Why?

Well, no real--
No real reason.

I just, uh, don't think
I can really make it over lunch.

I'm kind of--
Kind of tied up today.

Okay, Dave,
do you have a lunch date or not?

Why do you ask?

Because I have one.

Really?

No.

But I could.

Of course you could.

You know,
you could have lunch with me.

Okay, fine. Fine.
Let's go out to lunch.

Oh, you know,
today isn't really good for me.

Have a wonderful time,

and that tie,
it's hideous.

You bought me this tie.

Yeah, as a joke.

Well, good one.

Hey, Li--

Boy, oh, boy,
do I love her passion.

You know, you two really
ought to think about

giving it another sh*t.

Yeah, well,
try telling her that.

Yeah, I'll get right
on that one, Dave.

Hey, have you seen

my wife candidate list
anywhere?

Oh, yes, I have.
You left it here last week.

Oh, good, good.

You didn't try to make time
with any of my ladies,

did you, Dave?
No, sir. No, I didn't.

I think Loretta Swit's
a little out of my league.

Join the club.

Anyway, doesn't matter,
doesn't matter,

because I believe
I have located the winner.

Well, oh.
Well, that's great.

Yeah!
Great.

Her name is,
uh, her name is Ruth.

That's
a beautiful name.

It's from the bible.

Which one
was she?

She was the one named Ruth.

Wait a minute.
I remember Ruth.

I thought you rejected Ruth
a long time ago.

Well, I did, I did,
but we bumped into each other,

started right back up again.

Oh, really? Why'd you reject her
in the first place?

I had my reasons.
I just actually--

Can't remember
what they are right now, but...

You know, we've been...
Wait a second.

We've been seeing each other
for a few weeks,

and last night--

Ahem.
She spent the night.

Ah...

First time?

Nah, I've
had sex before.

I believe she has, too.

That was the first time
together, yeah.

Uh-huh. Well, how did it go?

Were you--
I mean, were you, um...

Compatible?

Well, everything seemed
to fit together

with no parts left over.

What it was is,
we started off slow.

She took my--

Sir, uh...

If you could just
hold that thought for...

ever.

I have to go to
the, uh... Bathroom.

All righty.

Dave.
Remember Ruth?

Oh, hi, Ruth.
Nice to see you again.

How are you? Mr. James says
such wonderful things about you.

Oh, that's
so sweet.

What did he say?

Well, that you're compatible.

Really? In what sense?

So, your name's in the bible...

Which is great.

I have to go to the bathroom.
Thank you.

Dave. Dave, you were right.
Huh?

You were right. There was
a reason I rejected Ruth.

Well, what was it?

Well, I wrote it right
down here by Ruth's name

in my personal
secret code.

Uh-huh. Well,
what does that mean?

I don't know, I don't know.

I change my secret code
every week.

What do you think
it could it be?

I don't know.
Talks too much?

No, no, that's
a squiggly line.

See this woman right here?
She talks too much.

Talks too little?

No, that's a circle
with a dot in the middle.

Smokes?
That's a half a lung.

Oh, I thought that
was a bunch of grapes.

Yeah, I could see that.

No, seriously, what
do you think it could be?

Um, sir, are you just
trying to find an excuse

to get out of this?
No, no.

I really believe
Ruth is the one.

I just got to figure out

what it is
that's wrong with her

and see if I can live
with it.

Well, I guess
that makes sense.

Did either of you guys

get a look at that chick
by Catherine's desk?

What a set of warheads
on that battleship.

That's Mr. James'
fiancée-to-be.

Oh, but I was talking about--
I didn't mean-- I--

Okay, granted,

if you want to go out
on a lunch date,

yes, that is
your own business.

And yes, I know that
we are not dating anymore,

but no, I don't think
it's not too much to ask--

Can this argument
continue as it started:

without me?

It's that girl who lives
in your building, isn't it?

What girl?
Whichever. I don't know.

There must be a dozen of them
who live in there.

Uh-huh.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Hello.

Yes. Yes, it is.

Hmm? Oh.

All right,
is there anyth--

Okay, is there anything
we should do--

All right, thanks.
Thanks for letting us know.

Building's on fire.

Oh, it is not

that dumb girl
with the big boobs

from ad sales, is it?

Lisa, the building's on fire.

Our building, the building that
we're in right now.

It's on fire.

Ha. Yes, right,
the building is on fire.

Yeah.

Oh. The building's on fire.
Okay, what do we do?

Nothing.
It's nothing too serious.

We just have to notify
the staff,

and they'll call back later with
specific instructions for us.

Beth.

Paying attention.

The building's on fire.

Dave, if this
is a little test

to see that I am
paying attention--

No, the building
is really on fire.

Oh, my God. Okay,
the building's on fire.

Okay, okay,
what do we do?

DAVE: We just need to notify
the staff, all right?

So I want you to--

Hang on, hang on.
What is it?

It's that girl who had a crush
on you in college, isn't it?

Uh, Lisa, I don't think
it really matters

who started the fire
at this point, okay? It's...

CATHERINE: ...Sunday's edition
of Meet the Press,

and the only response
from the Buchanan camp

was a "no comment."

Bill?

This just in:
a fire in the lower floors

of a midtown
office building.

No confirmation on the severity
of the blaze,

but if you're driving,

steer clear
of the Criterion building

at 59th and Madison.

WNYX news time, 11:56.
Back in two minutes.

When did that come in?

Just now.
Do you have any floss?

I've got something
stuck right here.

Oh, God, I hope
it's not bad.

No, it's just a popcorn kernel
stuck between my teeth.

Bill, our building
is on fire.

I guess
you're right.

[ALARM RINGS]

All right, there's nothing
to worry about.

Although we should go out there
and warn the others.

We'll probably need to evacuate
the building.

Get ahold of yourself!

What was that for?
I'm perfectly calm.

I believe in
preventive medicine.

Hey, you knocked
the popcorn loose.

Look, it is just a small fire
down on the third floor,

all right, and the fire marshal
asked us to stay put

until it is fully extinguished.

Oh, suddenly the fire marshal
is the big authority.

I, for one, propose
we get the hell out of here!

Who's with me?

Oh, and as usual,

I'm going to have to ask you all
to ignore Bill.

Looking around, I see you're all
two steps ahead of me.

Show of hands, come on.

Who chooses life?

Bill, let me remind you
Dave's in charge here.

This is not a democracy.

He's right.
This isn't a democracy.

Therefore, I propose
we take a vote on making it one.

Who's with me?

Catherine?

All right.

That one was just for fun,
wasn't it?

I have been assured
we will all be safe

just so long as we
stay put, all right?

Now, I will keep everyone
posted. Thank you.

Okay.

Stop it. Stop it!
What are you people doing?

He said stay put.

Sit down. Stay put.

Matthew.

What?

Matthew, I think they just meant

that we should stay put
on this floor.

People are free
to move around

within the confines
of the office.

Oh. Yeah, yeah.
All right?

Whatever, yeah, yeah.
Okay.

Oh, then, that means
I can go in the break room?

The break room's part
of the office. Yes.

And the booth?
Yes.

What about the men's room?
Sorry, no.

Ooh. I should've peed
before the fire.

Cathy, uh, let me
ask you a question.

Are those implants?

No, no, no.
I was talking about Ruth.

Oh, I don't know, Jimmy,
it's hard to say,

but I do know
one surefire way

of finding out.

Excellent.

Give me a second.
Mm-hmm.

Are those fake?

No, they're real.

Thanks.

You heard the lady.

Cathy, you are the sly one.

[WHISPERING]

Okay, what's going on?

We're taking
the stairs.

Yeah.

Look, they specifically said
the safest thing for us to do

is to stay right here.

They did say
that was the safest thing.

That will be a great comfort
to all of us

when we're being identified

solely on the basis
of our dental records!

I've got caps!

Look, no one is
taking the stairs

and that is final.

Okay.

Let's go.

Well, no,
he just said--

You don't have to listen

to what he says,
Matthew.

Oh, okay. Well, in that case,
I'm going to the men's room.

[WHISTLING]

Hey, there, Ruth.
How are you doing?

Hi, Beth.

You know, I'm a little nervous
about this fire.

Oh, God, yeah, I know
what you mean. Tell me about it.

That reminds me,
have you ever been married,

and if so, was he
remarkably wealthy,

and if he was, did he die under
mysterious circumstances?

Actually,
I've never been married.

Me neither.

My God, I feel so close.

Buh-bye.

No luck.
Damn!

Hi, sweetie.
See you in a minute.

All right,
where are you going?

To the stairwell! To life!

Bill, they said
the safest place

is to stay here.

The devil mixes his lies
with the truth, people.

Let's go!

Hi there. Hey.

Hey, welcome back.

How's it going?
How are you doing?

Hi there!

You know, I think
talking pictures

are going
to ruin Hollywood.

Okay, um,

I-- I just wanted
to apologize to you

for the way
I've been behaving today,

and I guess you're not
the only one who gets jealous,

and I'm sorry.

Well, um...

Apology accepted.

Reluctantly, because I suspect
there is a catch.

What is it?

No. No, no.
Nothing?

It's just that when I realized
that the fire was serious--

This fire
is not serious.

No matter what
crazy rumors you've heard,

it's not serious.

Well, fine, but I was thinking
that if the fire were serious,

hypothetically speaking,

it would make me sad

to think that we spent
our last moments fighting.

Oh.

Well, how would you rather
we spend our last moments,

uh, hypothetically
speaking?

That's not relevant.

Anyway, I'm sorry again.

Uh, Lisa.

Uh, Lisa, you know, you've
been very honest with me,

you've been very honest,

and I would like to be
very honest with you.

This fire is much more serious
than I've let on.

Oh, my God! I knew it!

How serious is it?

Do you remember the Hindenburg?
Uh-huh.

So you're telling me

that this place
could go up any minute?

Oh, yeah, in the blink
of an eye, it could go up.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Who is it?

Dave, it's me, Joe. Let me
in. I got to talk to you.

All right, Joe,
this had better be good

and it had better
be fast.

That's what I was just
about to say.

I'm sorry
to bug you, dude,

but there's something
I got to get off my chest.

Been bugging me
for a while.

I guess it's, uh...
I don't know, man.

I guess it all stems
from my parents,

I mean, who aren't the most
open people in the world.

We talked, but
we never really talked.

You know what I mean? So...
Yeah.

It's hard for me
when I got to say something.

It's--

Joe, I can see something's
really troubling you, so,

get to it!

You know,
I tried to keep it inside--

Yeah, well, don't.

I just feel like
I'm living a lie--

Well, that's the wrong way
to live. Spit it out.

I started the fire.

It was an accident.

I was trying to sabotage
the security cameras

and I screwed up,
and I wired them the wrong way,

and I just-- I feel
totally responsible--

Well, no point crying over
spilled milk, now, is there?

Could you go now?
Could you...

You're not going to fire me?

No, no, no. Everything's fine.

Everything's good.
Everything's great.

You're aces. Get out.

Okay.
Yeah, okay.

You know, while
we're clearing the air...

Uh-huh? What?

I also want to say that, uh,
I was the one last week

who blew up
the antenna relays.

Fine. Forgiven.
Forgiven completely.

Yeah. Forgiven. Go.

Also, uh,
I'm the unabomber.

Who isn't?

Maybe I should go get Lisa, huh?
Yes!

Did you want to see me?
Hi.

I'll just leave you two
alone now.

Thanks, Joe. Thanks.

I'll be out here.

How's the fire?

They're calling it
a Dresden for the '90s.

Hey, Dave,
you ever--

Whoa! What
are you two doing?

You having
a little fling

before the world
goes up in flames?

We're trying, sir.

Okay, okay,
I'll make it quick, then.

You ever heard Ruth say anything

about taking up arms
against the government?

I've hardly exchanged
five words with the woman.

Uh-huh, were any of them

about taking up arms
against the government?

No.

No? Well, then, I have
eliminated every possibility.

Dave, Lisa, congratulate me.
I have found a wife!

Congratulations!
Congratulations!

Well, thanks!
Big step, big step.

You know, ahem, there comes
a time in a man's life

when change must occur.

Change...

Would you guys rather hear
this later?

Yes.
Yeah.

Okay.

Carry on.

Hi, Mom? Hi. It's me.

Um...

Oh, nothing, I just...

There's a little fire
in the building where I work.

I'm sure it's no big deal,
but I just, uh...

I wanted to call to tell you
that I love you.

No, I did not
start the fire!

What is the matter with you?
Why do you always do that?

Oh, give me a break.
Give me a break!

Why do I try?!

[SIGHS]

[THUMPING]

What are they
doing in there?

I have no idea,

but I think we're going to be
needing a squeegee later.

[WHISTLES]

Excuse me, folks.

I just want to say,
everything's fine.

Fire's out.

[CHEERING]

Thank you.

Hi. Is the
news director in?

Uh, not yet.

He's one of those
sensitive guys.

Dave, you'd better
get out here!

Dave!

What?

Fire's out,
Mr. Nelson.

You sure?

Yes, I'm sure the fire is out.

Well, that's great news,
isn't it?

The fire's out,
miss.

You can put your shirt
back on now.

Well... Ahem...

That was close.

Oh yeah...

You know,

it could, uh, flare up
again, you know.

Y-yeah...

Uh... Who are
we kidding?

Yeah. Well, uh...

See you.

See you.

I'm happy to share

these ridiculously
expensive cigars

with all of you.

What's more,
I would've been proud

to spend my last living moments

with such
a fine group of people.

Really? That's
interesting, Bill.

Because, like,
an hour ago,

you were complaining about
having to be burnt to a crisp

with a bunch of freaks
you only pretend to like.

That statement was made
at a very emotional moment.

I only ask you to respect that.

Well, I think our collective
bravery

has earned us all a long night
of very hard drinking.

[CHEERING]

Mr. James? Ruth?
Are you with us?

You betcha!

Uh, Jimmy...
Huh?

Excuse us.

Just a sec, guys.

Honey...
What?

Couldn't we
get out of here,

spend a little time
alone together?

Yeah, but the guys want
to do something right here.

I know, but...

Well, I've told you how
I feel about these people.

Well, how is that?

Well, they're not
the kind of people

I'd want to spend time with
if I didn't have to.

I mean, you've got
to admit

they're an incredibly
weird group.

JOE: Dude, don't inhale it.
CATHERINE: Matthew!

MATTHEW:
But it makes me feel dizzy.

[GIGGLING]

Bingo!

What's that?

Nothing, nothing.
I'll tell you what.

Why don't you go downstairs

and I'll tell them
why I can't go.

Okay? All right.
Bye-bye, sweetie!

Security? Yeah.

This is Jimmy James
on 14.

Code five. Thanks a lot.

It's always something, huh?

Come on, Mr. James,
have a drink.

Thanks, buddy.

[BUILDING GROANS]

What was that?

Uh, that's the building
settling.

The fire must've damaged
the pylons.

Wait a minute.

So are you saying

this whole building
may collapse at any moment?

It's like, one
in 100-billion-to-one chance.

Well, a chance
is still a chance.

I think we ought to call
the engineer.

Exactly. You dial,
and I'll talk.

Hey, does anybody want
to go down to the third floor

and look at the cool
burnt-up stuff?

Yeah!
Come on, come on!

[♪]