21x11 - Love Story Guy

[bunniefuu]

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

♪ Is v*olence in movies and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy. ♪

Sorry I'm late. Had a family emergency

with, um... I don't know.
I want to say Chris?

Uh, I wasn't listening super close.

Why don't you sit down and drink beer

and tell us about it instead of
being home with your family?

Apparently, Chris and his
girlfriend broke up.

Something about her wanting
to see other people.

So the doctor says this surgery is gonna
restore my eyesight.

What? Oh, no.

"Oh, no"?

But I thought you'd be happy,
Colin Farrell.

Oi, blimey. Uh, get stuffed.

I'm-I'm gonna see other birds.

G-Good day, mate.

Don't look. Don't look.
I think that's Colin Farrell.

And this girl was his first love.

Poor Chris. He was sobbing his eyes out
when I abruptly left.

First loves always hit the hardest.

I'll say. I still remember
my first real love.

Seems like yesterday.

Why, just thinking back on her
makes everything

all shimmery and distorted.

I was working for Federal Express,
like Tom Hanks in Cast Away.

And just like Tom Hanks in Cast Away,

I said the words "Federal Express"
a suspicious number of times.

Excuse me, miss. Asking
as a Federal Express employee,

may I please get a refill
of iced tea very quickly,

the way Federal Express
delivers parcels?

There was only one thing I loved more

than corporate-branded content,

and that was my fiancée, Helen Hunt.

JOE: Hubba-hubba.

QUAGMIRE: Darn right hubba-hubba.

You know how most guys
want their girlfriends

to look like a pissy bird?

Well, I was living the dream.

You're seconds late.

I am a Federal Express employee
who is very obsessed with time.

Well, that's my fiancé.

Give me a kiss, you
time-obsessed beardless man

who is unable to spear
a fish with a sharpened stick.

QUAGMIRE: Remember
all that stuff for later.

Mm, oh, I can't wait
to do more than kiss.

Only three more days till the wedding.

Yep. I've got just one last flight

across the Planecrash Sea,
and then I'm all yours.

QUAGMIRE: Little did I know.

I'll never forget that fateful day.

Looking back, I never should have

tried to do two fantasy football
drafts while flying a plane.

- I ended up with four defenses.
- Ugh!

AIR TRAFFIC CONTROLLER: FE- ,

looks like you got rough weather.

Maybe you should just do auto-draft

for your fantasy leagues, over.

Uh, negative, negative, Control.
I am heterosexual, over.

AIR TRAFFIC CONTROLLER: Ha.
There's that clean-shaven guy

who cannot spear a fish with a
stick that we all know and love.

Damn it.

Too bad I'm in an airplane
and can only go

straight into a storm
and not over or around.

Wait, I think the storm is breaking up.

I was gonna make it, but then

the plane got hit by lightning.

Oh!

And I somehow drafted the punter
Jeff Feagles in the second round.

Oh!

And it was all over.

I was all alone on an uncharted island.

What could I do?

Definitely not spear a fish
with a hand-sharpened stick.

'Cause remember, that was a
complete non-starter for me.

If I wanted to make it back to my Helen,

I'd need to find a way to survive.

Luckily I had a whole
plane's worth of FedEx parcels

I could open and use.

Oh, please be food. Please be food.

Oh, thank God, I'm saved.
Peanut brittle.

Aah!

"From Peter Griffin."

PETER: (LAUGHS) Gotcha. Continue.

QUAGMIRE: But then I opened
the most important package of all.

My only friend on the island.

I'm gonna call you Wilson,
after Rita Wilson,

the most beautiful and talented
woman in Hollywood.

The true first lady of American culture.

I swear, I didn't say
all that stuff just so Tom Hanks

would let us do this movie.

(GRUNTS)

Character development.

I had been on that island
for four years.

Man, I've been on this island

for somewhere between
two and seven years.

I'm not sure which 'cause I'm
no longer obsessed with time.

That's more character development.

Anyway, all these years later,

I still couldn't get
Helen Hunt out of my mind.

I was going nuts thinking about her.

Oh, Helen...

Oh come on, get it together.
Think of something else.

Think of anything besides Helen Hunt.

Oh, almost Helen Hunt.

Enough was enough.

I decided to build a raft
and get back to my beloved.

But what to make the raft out of?

Got to be something I can use.

What floats? What floats?

Mm, definitely not these
footballs for Tom Brady.

Straight to the bottom.

I wonder.

Aah!

PETER: (LAUGHS) Two for two. Continue.

QUAGMIRE: I was able to float away

on a raft made
out of the giant joke box.

It was me and Wilson and
this one other kind of lame guy.

Boy, you hoist a sail,
then where did the wind go? Am I right?

I just saw you take a dump in the ocean.

I'm not really looking to chat.

Days passed.

Wilson and I were all alone.

No drinking water and no food, except...

Nope, not this time.

PETER: Eh, you're no fun. Continue.

QUAGMIRE: But then disaster struck.

Aah! Aah!

No. No! Wilson!

Eventually I moved on
and largely forgot about Wilson.

(PIANO PLAYING)

Why are you smiling, honey?

Oh, I used to bone that volleyball.

I don't remember much after that.

Apparently I was picked up
by some cargo ship.

But then, wouldn't you know it,

the ship got taken over
by Somali pirates.

Look at me. Look at me.

We are doing this movie now.

QUAGMIRE: Then that
Somali pirate did a bunch of stuff

and then nothing else ever again,
and eventually I got back home.

After years and years away,

it was finally time to see my Helen.

Oh, my God, you're alive.

I thought about you every day, Helen.

You're the reason I stayed alive
all these years.

I never stopped loving you.

I'm-I'm sorry.
I got back together with Paul Reiser.

What?

We did a Mad About You reboot
on Spectrum Originals.

QUAGMIRE: Which just sounds
fake. I mean, did you watch any of that?

Do you even know anyone who...

I-I... Like, I literally
do not know one person

who saw, like, a single minute of that.

I'm so sorry.

QUAGMIRE: I was devastated.

Helen was my first true love...

The only woman I ever wanted...

And she had moved on without me.

Fortunately, five years later,
they invented

portable p*rn on telephones,

and I've literally never
thought about her since.

Well, that was a touching tale
of first love, Quagmire.

And I googled Spectrum
Originals, by the way.

Found nothing. Zero matches.

Nothing on Ask Jeeves either,

but they don't always have everything.

Anyway, I remember my first love.

It's quite an interesting story.

Okay, guess I'll be going last tonight.

This was back in the early ' s.

I was working at a hoity-toity
camp for rich Jewish people.

PETER: Are you Jewish in this?

JOE: (LAUGHS) No.

- I was a dance instructor.
- ♪
♪

Anyway, this camp was highly renowned

for offering exclusively clean dancing.

You are the cleanest dancer I ever met.

It's why we come here every year.

JOE: But all the while,
I was being watched

by the prettiest girl in the camp.

Her name was Jennifer Schnozz,
and I saw her everywhere.

Seems like she was always
sniffing around someplace.

QUAGMIRE: Okay.

JOE: Daytimes were
reserved for clean dancing,

but at night, someone would bring

a very large watermelon
to the staff cabin,

and for some reason, that meant
it was time for dirty dancing.

(CHEERING)

♪ ♪

JOE: We had booze, sexy music,
and because it was August by a lake,

lots of mosquitos.

(BUZZING)

My favorite partner was Dancy McGee.

She was the best dancer on the staff,

as you can tell from this dance party

where she's dancing
neither better nor worse

than anyone on the staff.

But there Jennifer was again,

always with her nose
pressed against the glass,

or anything else she was
standing three feet away from.

QUAGMIRE: Might be going
a bit hard with the nose stuff.

JOE: Relax, she's
fine. She got a new one.

It was time to make my move.

Hey, do I know you?

Yeah. We were both in Red Dawn

and we probably had sex on set
and then you dumped me

and now we famously hate each other.

Oh, yeah, Jennifer.

Well, welcome to the Poke-a-nose.

That was kind of my joke around camp.

People loved it, way better than
my "welcome to the Catskills" bit.

I was not invited back to that camp.

Joe, come quick! It's Dancy.

What's the matter?

It's-it's my jaw.

It's very clicky.
I th... I think I have TMJ.

- TMJ?
- Oh, no!

I hear that causes mild discomfort but

doesn't otherwise
interfere with lifestyle.

JOE: Of course, back then, it
was illegal to get jaw surgery.

The only places that would do it

were sketchy, unsafe,
back-alley jaw clinics.

Do you want to keep the TMJ?

Come on, Joe. I'm single, I'm poor,

I work at a Jewish camp for tips.

PETER: Ugh. Brutal.

What's three percent of frugal,
am I right?

QUAGMIRE: Not the year for it, Peter.

But, Dancy, what about
the big talent show?

Dancy was gonna be my partner
at the camp talent show,

which is the most important
thing in this whole story.

After I get my jaw surgery,
I'm gonna be in mouth recovery, Joe.

I'm out.

What? Then who am I
supposed to dance with?

Literally any one of these other women

- we just saw dancing?
- I'll do it.

Ugh.

I know I've never danced before,
but you could teach me.

All right, I'll give you a sh*t,
but you better not be ticklish

if I touch the inside of your arm
during dance practice.

Y-Yeah. No, no, that-that
won't be a problem.

♪ ♪

(LAUGHING)

This is the (BLEEP) I was talking about!

♪ ♪

Wow, I guess I'm just really bad at

you holding me over your head
while I do nothing.

Eh, keep practicing. You'll get there.

Anyway, I like how you
always seem to drop me

into the one warm spot
in this whole cold lake.

Yeah, and I, uh, I like how
you're at least years old.

Actually, I'm...

I like how you're at least years old.

Her nickname was "Baby,"
which means over years old.

Anyway, we were falling
in love, but then...

- Joe, come quick! It's Dancy.
- Again?

He's developmentally disabled

and that's the only thing
he knows how to say

but still, we should go check on her.

- (GRUNTS SOFTLY)
- (BOTH GASP)

It's... it's bad, right?

No, no, it's fine.

Hey, can you hang on a sec?

President Kennedy
said he's excited to show

the city of Dallas, quote,
"just how white a shirt can be."

Joe, this is serious.
My whole jaw's messed up.

I don't understand.
We sent you to the best

cigarette-smoking surgeon we know.

But listen, you're gonna be okay.

(LAUGHS)

Son of a bitch!

Fortunately, Jennifer had
called her father, who's a doctor.

Oh, dear God.
Good thing I got here in time.

Fetch me my big bag of medical supplies
I take on vacation.

Thank you for coming, Dr. Hartman.

Shut up. I don't like you
because you're poor.

Daddy, is she gonna be okay?

She's gonna make it.
But I blame you for this.

Because it's important for the story

- that I blame you for this.
- I'm sorry.

Sorry doesn't cut it.

Something this terrible
calls for real consequences.

No dancing with my daughter
at the meaningless talent show.

What? No!

My word is final.

♪ ♪

JOE: So what I'm doing right
here is I'm thinking about Jennifer

and how she's like the wind.

QUAGMIRE: What does that
mean, "she's like the wind"?

JOE: Just, you know, she and the wind.

Uh, lots of similarities
there, you know.

She's very wind-like.

QUAGMIRE: Yeah, but
like, but how, specifically?

JOE: I mean, where do I even start?

Basically, they're like
two peas in a pod, those two.

Her and the wind. You know?

QUAGMIRE: No, I don't kn... You know,

you keep saying "you know,"
and I don't know,

and that's why I'm asking the question.

In what precise way
is she like the wind?

JOE: Well, um, like, if you
picture my heart like trees,

she blows through my trees.

QUAGMIRE: All right, so in
what way is your heart like trees?

JOE: Aw, look, it's a good song, okay?!

The point is I'm missing
Jennifer, I want her back.

QUAGMIRE: Just say that then.
Enough with this wind business.

JOE: Finally, it came...

The night of the big talent show.

The show started late
'cause the grandma bragging

had gone a bit long.

(BABBLES) Doctor!

Buzz, buzz, buzz, lawyer.

(BABBLES) Five foot, six.

Everyone, I hope you enjoyed
the dinner of leftovers

from last year's dinner.

JOE: I mentioned it was
a Jewish camp, right?

But now it's time
to start the talent show.

This was my last chance. I
wasn't gonna let all those hours

of standing in a lake go to waste.

Nobody puts Legal Adult in a corner.

Unfortunately, this was
the Star of David Dining Hall,

so pretty much
the whole place was corners.

It was finally time
for us to dance together.

Happy , everyone.

For our big finale, we're gonna
dance to a song written in .

("SHE BOP" BY CYNDI LAUPER PLAYING)

♪ She bop, he bop a we bop ♪

♪ I bop, you bop... ♪

JOE: We had to dance to this
song about female masturbation

because we couldn't afford
"The Time of My Life."

QUAGMIRE: I think you
mean open parentheses

"I've Had" closed parentheses,
"The Time of My Life."

JOE: Sure, whatever. The
point is we danced great

and everyone was cheering for us.

(CHEERING)

- Yay!
- (WHOOPS)

Joe, come quick! It's Dancy.

JOE: And that's the
story of my first love.

P.S., that night we had sex,
I got her pregnant,

and three weeks later
she had an abortion.

I mean jaw-fixing.
Whatever we called it earlier.

- Well, I remember my first...
- Anyway, I remember my first...

Oh.

Think, uh, think it's probably
gonna be Peter, right?

Sorry, Cleveland.

But I remember my first love.

It was ,
the golden age of Hollywood.

The year of Troop Beverly Hills,

Fletch Lives, Gleaming the Cube,

and a hilarious new addition

to the Harry and the Hendersons
franchise.

Harry meets a girl Bigfoot? Count me in.

PETER: Well, that's
what I thought, anyway.

Turns out Harry was shorter in
this movie, but he did look marvelous.

And the actress? Oh, my gosh.

(GASPS, SIGHS)

You know how I always wanted
to marry a woman

who looks like the Full House baby?

Well, this was her: Meg Ryan.

Schwing! I said, being the first person

who ever said that.

Ha, ha, that guy's the first person
to ever say that.

Wow, you're hilarious.

What's your name so we can tell everyone

that you were the first?

Aw, come on, guys, I don't care
who gets the credit.

QUAGMIRE: This is making
your story less credible.

PETER: Anyway, from the
first time I saw Meg Ryan pout

in When Harry Met Sally,

I knew I wanted to see her pout
in every movie.

And then eventually change her
face so she's incapable of pouting.

♪ ♪

Ah, nothing better
than movie theater popcorn.

Some for me, some for the cleaning guy.

Some for me, some for the cleaning guy.

So, you must really like this movie.

Are... are-are you...
are you talking to me?

I got to talk to somebody.

He's about to do a -minute song parody
of the Oscar nominees.

♪ Broadcast News to the left of me ♪

♪ Fatal Attraction to the right ♪

♪ Here I am, Moonstruck
in the middle with you. ♪

Come join me, Peter. It's a s movie,

so there's lots and lots of s music.

♪ ♪

- What's that guy doing?
- He's ruining the movie.

Joe, come quick! It's Dancy.

So that happened.

(LAUGHS) I've never heard that.

You're the first.
Peter Griffin's the first.

Aw, come on, Meg Ryan,
it's not about that.

QUAGMIRE: Yeah, you
got to stop doing this, Peter.

PETER: That day we talked and talked

as an unrealistic amount
of leaves fell around us.

Hey, thanks for walking me around

in this watered-down Woody Allen movie.

You're welcome, Peter.
But what do you think?

Can a man and a woman just be friends
without the sex?

Oh, uh, yeah, uh, sure, yeah.

Uh, me-men and women
can just be friends.

But, like, the fourth
or fifth friend you call.

What do you say, Peter? Friends?

- Friends with benefi...
- Benefits? No.

I was gonna say Benefiber.

I been getting wicked stopped up lately.

Ew.

Welcome to being friends
with a guy, Meg Ryan.

Me and Meg Ryan
had a special connection.

I even followed her into other
movies, like Sleepless in Seattle,

which ends on the top
of the Empire State building.

Gee, Pop, I'm sorry I left my backpack

just laying around
at the Empire State Building,

which is an actual plot point
from the film.

Don't worry, it's still just the s,

so it's okay to abandon your backpack
in big-city landmarks.

- (ALL TICKING)
- See something, say nothing,

That's the s New York way.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Ah. This is our last chance
to look at Brooklyn

before Lena Dunham gets there.

PETER: I also followed
her to You've Got Mail,

where I drove her little
bookstore out of business

before my big bookstore
went out of business.

Also, I DMed her on my
eight-inch-thick laptop.

As always, I wrote to her
as friends. Just friends.

It seemed like we'd be
just friends forever,

but then came the movie
that changed everything.

The most important film of all time:

In the Cut. Because naked!

It's just, ever since we met
you've been my best friend,

and I was always afraid of damaging that

because I don't want to risk
this connection.

Shh. Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. Hey.

Shut up, Meg.

COP: Excuse me, sir? Sir.

Wake up, sir.

PETER: Turns out I never did
get pulled up into that movie screen.

I had just Pee Wee Herman'ed
myself in the theater and fell asleep.

(SNORES) Huh? What?

What's going on here?

Um...

I'll have what she's having?

And that's when my doctor said,
"You can't drink and do Ambien."

So, there you go,
my first love: Meg Ryan.

Or maybe Melanie Griffith.

You know, now that
I'm thinking about it,

did you see Body Double? Good God.

That's a wonderful story, Peter.

I'm always happy just to listen

- and be here for you.
- (PHONE CHIMES)

Donna says hi.

Is it okay if I tell
my first love story?

If it wasn't good enough to tell

in one of the episodes of your show,

maybe it's not good enough for us.

Could you guys do me a favor and laugh

like I'm telling you a hilarious story?

- (LAUGHING)
- See?

I get a flashback, too.

I don't see nothing shimmering.