03x02 - Review

[bunniefuu]

[MOUTHING]

Oh, David, there you are.

We've been saving
your place...in line.

Hey, Joe.
What's up, Dave?

Oh, nothin' much.

So how did you hear about
our little secret coffee spot?

Oh, I don't know.

I guess, you know,
I came into the building,

saw it here in the lobby,
and then, uh...

Oh, you know?
You know what helped?

Was you calling me
three times last night

to remind me about
the big grand opening.

Well, let's keep it
under our bonnets.

We don't want the common people
to know about this one, right?

So, what do you think?

This place sucks.

[LAUGHING]
Oh, my God!

That is so funny.

Look at this.
Did you read this?

No.

That is so--

[LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY]

What'll it be?

Oh... The comic.

Who drew this?
What?

The little cartoon.

Can you tell me
who drew that?

No, I--
It is so funny.

I don't know.

Do you have
an order, or--

Hey, did you guys--
Which one of you drew

the cartoon here
with the little dog?

Matthew... Matthew,
nobody here drew that.

I-it's a comic strip
called "Dilbert." It's in newspapers every day.

You're kidding.
No, I assure you, I'm not.

It is so...funny.

Funny. Yes,
I know, now--

You know, some of us
have jobs to get to.

Save it.

Have you seen this?

You've never
seen that before?

Look, Matthew. Matthew.
Would you please just order and leave people in peace?

Yeah, Do you have, um...

fresh-fruit smoothies?

EMPLOYEE:
No.

Just coffee.

They don't have
fresh-fruit smoothies.

They don't?

Well, that is--
That is outrageous.

I suggest we take
our business elsewhere.

Damn straight.

Come on, guys.

I can't believe
that worked.

Some days you get lucky.

[♪]

DAVE:
Good morning.

LISA:
Hello.

Is that the new
New York Radio Guide?

Yes. It is.
Oh.

Just as boring
as last year's

New York Radio Guide.

Uh-huh.
Well, how's our review?

I haven't read it.

You haven't?
Aren't you at all curious

about what our peers think
of my first full year

as news director?

It is the New York
Radio Guide.

Nobody reads it
except for psychotic geeks

obsessed with every little
detail of the incestuous world

of New York radio.

Is that the '96-'97
New York Radio Guide?

It is, isn't it?

It's here, everyone!

It's here!

The alpha and the omega
has arrived.

Is there another copy
of that somewhere?

Conference table.
Okay. Thanks.

Oh, my God. Is that
the '96-'97 issue?

Mm-hm.
Yeah, yeah.

Uh, hey,
can I borrow this?

Uh, you don't want
that one, Dave.

Well, why?
You're not reading it.

No, but I am
parking my gum there.

Ah.
Thanks.

[SIGHS]

Thank you, Dave.

Dave, did your mom change
her home phone number again?

Oh, why do you
want to know?

No reason.
Here.

Did you see, uh--
See the review?

Uh, no, haven't had a chance
to look at it yet.

Oh, don't worry about it.

It's not like we're actually

in the radio business
or anything.

I'm very eager to, though.

Oh, yeah,
well you should be.

You know,
an important critique

of your first full year
at the helm.

That's just the kinda thing
could send a career into orbit.

I'm really more concerned with
getting an objective opini--

Or it can smash you on the rocks
like last year's lobster pot.

Well, the thought
has occurred to me,

so I-I'm understandably
anxious to, you know--

To sit down and--
Oh, okay.

I won't bother you.

Well, thank--
I'll just-- I'll sit here.

[POPS LIPS]

[POPS LIPS]

[POPPING LIPS]

I'm sorry.

That's-- That's all right.
I'll just, uh...

I-I'll sit over here.

Suit yourself.
Okay.

So, Dave, do you have any recent
pictures of your Mom?

Mr. James, that's possibly
the most distracting question

I've ever been asked.

I-I'm sorry.

Just-- Just erase that.
Tell you what.

From now on,
I'm not here.

Oh, great, great.
Where's Dave?

I don't know.
I'm not here.

Here.
Dave.

What are you gonna do
about this review?

I-I haven't had a chance
to read it yet, Catherine.

Here.
Read this right here.

"Katherine Duke is one of the
finest news anchors in the city,

although
chronically underused."

Yes, I-I-- No,
I agree with this.

And I promise in the future
we'll find ways to use you more.

Yeah.
I heard that noise before.

What're you gonna
do about this, huh?

They spelled my name wrong.

It's Catherine with a C.

Not with a K.

Catherine with a C
is regal.

Catherine with a K is the name
of a two-bit biker chick

from North Jersey.

Yeah. Like that cheap slut
Katherine Hepburn.

Hey!

So I guess we may
safely say the critics

have shined their rays
of adulation upon me once again.

The relevant text
is highlighted.

"Bill McNeal is adequate."

Adequate.

Adequate. Yeah.

Yeah.
Read it again.

Well. "Bill McNeal is adequate."

I'm sorry, Bill.

Sorry? Sorry you weren't
singled out and deemed adequate?

I don't think that's quite
the superlative you think it is.

I beg to differ.

I'm not here.
I beg to differ.

After all, adequacy is the
hallmark of great journalism.

No, I think it's the hallmark
of adequate journalism, Bill.

And what is adequate journalism,
if not great journalism?

Well, it's just adequat--

We'll finish this later.

After I fulfill my duties with
my customary "adequacivity."

That's not a real word.

It is now.

[CLEARS THROAT]

[POPS LIPS]

Goin' to the break room, sir.

Driving you crazy?
Sure are.

I get that a lot.

Hey, have you read it yet?

No.
It mentions you.

I know.
[CHUCKLES]

I know, I know.
I read that one.

I read that one.

[LAUGHING]
Boy.

Matthew,
what are you doing?

Uh, I'm cutting the, uh,
"Dilbert" strips

out of the newspaper.

Why?

I-I-- Honestly, I think
there's a good story in this.

I mean,
they are so funny, Dave.

[LAUGHING]

Really funny.

Beth, don't you have
some work to do?

Hey, look it.
Look it.

I know, I know,
yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're not looking.
I know.

David, I really think I've made
some kind of discovery here

'cause the whole--
The whole Dilbert thing--

My hunch is that it's gonna go,
woomf, right through the roof.

And here I am
on the ground floor.

Matthew, it's just not
much of a discovery.

Millions of people
have already discovered

the magic of "Dilbert"
and enjoy it every morning.

You gotta read this one.

Dave, seriously, I think
this is gonna cement me

as-- As-- As a cutting-edge
reporter,

always one step ahead
of the trends and--

Well, Matthew, you know,
if-- If it will help

to cement you...

Uh-huh?
...uh, then I know--

I-I have a little
tip for you.

Oh, yeah?
Yeah. Give it up.

On this discovery, uh...

Sliced bread.

You want in on this one?

Dave, just promise me
that I can do the story.

Can I?
No.

Now, clean up your desk
and get back to work.

Okay.

Let's see what kind of mess

Mr. D has gotten himself
into today.

Okay, then at home
he has this dog

that talks to him
about his day at work.

And he's cute.
He's this little white dog.

Does the dog
wear glasses like him?

[LAUGHING]

Yeah, that's somethin'
I gotta see.

Okay, wait here.
I will get you one.

Oh, great. Great.
Great, great.

[LAUGHING]

Dave, what the hell
was she talkin' about?

Oh, that was-- That was, uh--
That cartoon strip, "Dilbert."

Oh, no, hell, I haven't
read the comics since I realized

Beetle Bailey was never actually
gonna sh**t anybody.

Well, I read the review.

Oh, well, finally.
What'd they say?

Oh, you haven't read it?

Excuse me.
I've been a little busy here.

Why don't you just summarize it.

Well, it's good.
Yeah?

It's very-- In fact,
I would say with the exception

of calling Bill adequate, it's
great. It's very complimentary.

It says that we do, um,
a fine job with complex issues.

That we are reliable.

And describes us
as the workhorse

of New York City
news radio stations.

Yeah, workhorse.
Ah, thank God.

The suspense was killin' me.

Hey! Hey, ladies!
Ladies, did you hear?

We got a good review!

This review stinks.

No, it's very good.
It's very complimentary.

It's good.
It's good.

What?
It's good.

It-- It says
that we are a workhorse.

Yeah!
Uh-huh-huh.

A workhorse.

Oh, and it also says
that we are reliable.

Very reliable.
Yep.

Oh, and let's not
forget fine.

Yeah, we do a fine job.
Fine job.

Oh, okay.

Well, I'm glad to see
that you're all thrilled

to be working at a station
that is not great, innovative.

That is--
Is simply...adequate.

Well, I don't know,
Bill seems happy with adequate.

Bill thinks
having a bird crap on him

is a compliment
from the gods.

Plus they spelled
my name wrong, Jimmy. I know.

Oh!

Look, it's a great review,
all right?

I know that for me
as a newsman, I have, uh, been

striving my whole life to be
a fine, reliable workhorse.

It must be lonely
in the middle.

It's one thing, of course,
to know you're adequate,

but to have a fellow member
of the press stand up and say,

"Yes, you, sir, are adequate,"
well, let me tell you,

it's a very special feeling.

Lisa?

Lisa?

[SIGHS]

Matthew.

[MUFFLED]
I was thinking that if we put the stuff around the office,

then we could do a story on how
it affects the office harmony.

And you never let me
do my own stories, anyway.

So I thought if I got the ball
rolling on this one, you'd--

Matthew, Matthew, let me see
if I can make this clear to you.

All right?
Yes.

There will be
no "Dilbert" story.

All right?

So why don't you just put back
the rainbows and unicorns

that usually cover your desk
and get to work.

Okay.
All right. Thank you.

What are you doing?

I'm calling the guy
that, uh, wrote the review.

No, don't do that.
Relax.

Dave, relax.

Really, I am just going
to give him a little bit

of constructive criticism and--

Hello, Eugene?

You suck!

You feel-- Feel better?

No, but I'm starting to.

Matthew!

David, it's me,
Dilbert.

Matthew wanted me to tell you
a little something

about the comic strip--

How many times
do I have to tell you no?

No. No matter
how many times you ask,

the answer will remain: no.

I'm sorry.

I didn't know you were
in the middle of a meeting.

What is wrong with you?

Dave, finding "Dilbert"
this morning

was somewhat
of a revelation.

I don't think
you understand. No.

No, I-I thought
I was the only one who--

Who was afraid of his--
His other co-workers and--

And-- And--
Uh-huh.

And scared of his boss.
But I know better now.

I am Dilbert.

And you are the mean boss.

And Lisa is-- Is, uh, Dogbert
or something, I don't know.

The point, though, David...

MATTHEW:
Uh, no, no, wait. Yeah, yeah, okay.

Okay, well, I'm gonna
stand right here

until you read
at least one--

Hey, Matthew!
This is Dilbert.

Dave wanted me to tell you
that there's absolutely no way.

Hey, little guy.

When you and Dave are done
with your meeting

I need to get in to see you.

Okay, I'm gonna take a walk.
All right?

Just to cool down.

When I get back, I don't wanna
see any "Dilbert" cartoons.

I certainly don't want to see
them near my office.

Do you understand?
Mm-hm.

And, Joe, do not pick
that lock for him.

Don't pick the lock.

And don't dismantle my window.

No dismantling.

Do not, in any way, assist him

in putting one foot
in my office.

No feet.

Dave, Dave, is that--
Is that a Dilbert doll?

Can I just see it?

It's just the head, actually.

The legs and torso
are in the garbage.

MATTHEW:
What happened? Did you get it?

Okay, okay, okay.

JOE:
Okay, I got it, I got it, I got it.

Are you sure this is how
they did it in the movie?

JOE:
Trust me, dude.

I saw Mission Impossible
five times, man.

Mission--?

No, I thought we were talking
about Peter Pan.

I got it. Haul me up,
haul me up, haul me up.

JOE:
You all right?

Yeah.
Take me up.

Hey, Dave.

Hey, Matthew.

How was your, uh--
Your walk there?

Oh, it was nice.

It was nice.
Beautiful day out.

So I thought
I'd walk by the, uh--

Hey, didn't I say something
about coming into my office?

You said not to
go through the door.

Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.

Or the window, or the--

Yeah.

What was
the other thing, Joe?

JOE:
Dude, don't drag me into this.

Well, Matthew, you better
start explaining fast.

All right.
Seriously, um...

Y-you don't listen to me.

You don't listen to my ideas,
and because of that

and because you locked me
out both-- Both literally

and spiritually,
I have staged a commando raid

on your office to force you
to read and learn.

Oh, so, uh... So you just
want me to read this, huh?

Yeah.

Read it, or I will be forced
to tender my resignation.

Aw, really?

Oh...

Yeah, okay.

I-I can't--
I can't do this anymore.

This is ridiculous, Dave.

I-- I cannot work in an
environment that is so stifling.

Okay? I mean it.
I quit!

Good day, sir.

I said,
good day, sir!

LISA:
Okay, what if I said you were reliable in bed?

What if I called you
a workhorse in the sack?

Well, I guess I'd have to say,
"Glad to be of service, baby."

You are so white.

[CHUCKLES]

I know.

Hello, and welcome
to Seattle Java.

Home of the coffeecino.

Are you a member
of our Guzzler's Club,

or would you care to become one?

[LAUGHING]
Matthew, what are you doing here?

I'm taking your order.

Would you like to have
a nice frappe mocha?

Okay, Matthew,
you've made your point.

Albeit in the most moronic way
possible, but, uh,

you've made it, so what do you
say we go up to the office?

David, I'm sorry.

The only orders
I'm gonna take from you anymore

are gonna be right here.

[BEEPING]

Do-- Do you want anything?
'Cause we're very,

very quite busy.

Matthew.
Come back to the office.

Next!

Next! Next! Next!

Feet off the couch.

Oh, I can't believe
he's out of our lives.

Matthew is not
out of our lives.

He's not even
out of our building.

He's right downstairs, working
at that new coffee place.

[LAUGHING]

Oh, Dave, it's not funny.

Oh, my God.
That must be so demeaning.

Just making coffee
for people all day.

Wait a minute.

Don't worry. I can
persuade him to come back.

Well, you better persuade him
to come back, Dave,

seeing as how you were the one
who persuaded him to leave.

No, I didn't.
No-- Feet.

Although, I did play a--
An important role

in his dire situation,
I'm not the one that threw

the major spaz.

Uh-huh. And what do you call

ripping the head
off the Dilbert doll?

Mercy k*lling.

Well, why don't you just agree
to read his stupid comic strips

and that'll be the end of it?

Well...
You talkin' about Spaz?

Yeah.
Mm-hm.

May I make a suggestion?

Sure.

Let him sling coffee
for a few more hours.

He'll get bored. He'll realize
he misses all of us.

He'll come back on his own.

And when he does
come crawling back,

that's when you kick him away!

Those of us who are adequate
don't need his type around.

I'll go down and talk to him
again in a couple of hours.

Dave, why don't you
just go right now.

I don't need
a refill right now.

Well, I'm off
to astonish the world

with more feats
of "adequataquaticism."

Not a word.

Don't care, my friend.

Hey, Bill,
everything going adequately?

Very adequately, sir.

I'm virtually bursting
with "adequatulence."

Okay, look.

You think I don't know
adequate sucks?

Of course I know.

Being called adequate
is like getting C-minuses

in grade school, and I'm not
used to getting C-minuses.

I-I know what it's like
when you're an A student.

No. I got straight C-minuses,
but I never got used to it!

Well, why didn't you
admit that it hurt?

I tried to talk to you about it
yesterday, but you were behind

closed doors
with your little doll friend.

Everything else about
this station is reliable

and workhorse-like,
but I'm merely adequate?

Okay, Bill...

Do you think I was happy
with reliable and workhorse?

You know what
a workhorse is?

It's a big Clydesdale
pulling a big beer wagon

through the state fair
with a bunch of drunk yahoos

throwing cherry bombs at it.

You miss Wisconsin,
don't you?

That thing was like a-a dagger
in my heart, all right?

I just didn't want
Mr. James to know

we'd gotten a bad review.

JIMMY:
Oh, jeez, for cryin' out loud, fellas!

I thought it was a good review.

Me too!

Yeah, nice try, Dave.

I don't know, I guess
next time I write a review,

I ought to use a thesaurus, huh?

You wrote the review?

Why not?
I own the damn magazine.

Look, I was just trying
to give everybody

a nice good pat on the back.

Towel.

Isn't that a conflict
of interest?

No!

No, no, no, no.

Well, yeah. These days
we'd call that synergy.

Look, the only mistake
I made was spelling

Catherine's name wrong
and that...I have taken care of.

How?

I'm puttin' her
on the cover next year.

All right, um, Matthew,

we are all here to ask you
to come back to work.

Nothin' doin'.

Very, very happy here.

Matthew, doesn't it mean
anything to you that we've all

humbled ourselves
like this coming down here?

Oh, I didn't realize
I was humbling myself.

Dude, come on, man.

Just come back to work.

Not unless
I can do my "Dilbert" story.

[SIGHS]

All right, um...
Come on up.

Well, Matthew,
do you know who this is?

No.

Hi, Matthew.
Scott Adams.

Oh, my God!
The Scott Adams?

The creator of "Dilbert"?

The one and only.
Yes, oh, um,

Dave here told me
a little about the situation,

and I have to say,
Dilbert would never do this.

What?
What do you mean?

Dilbert would never
quit a job in a place

where people loved him
and cared about him and--

And accepted him
for who he is.

Mm-hm.

Oh, come on,
Matthew.

Come back to your family.

Do it for Dilbert.

Do it for Dogbert.

Do it for...Matthewbert.

Wow, Matthewbert.

So...are you gonna
come back to work?

Yes.

[ALL CHEERING]

Let me-- Let me--
Let me get my stuff.

DAVE:
All right. Okay.

Dave, aren't you gonna
introduce me to Scott Adams?

Oh, well, this is
not really Scott Adams.

Uh, he's an actor who lives
across the hall from me.

Uh, Doug, I'd like you
to meet Catherine Duke.

Hi.

Hey, that was great,
Doug, that was great.

Did you want
anything else, Dave?

No, you should probably
get out of here

before Matthew comes back
and tries to get you

to draw Dilbert on his chest.

I'm serious.
He would do that.

You should get out of here.

...in such a stifling
work environment!

All right?

I quit!

Good day, sir!

Coffee, Dave?

Oh, thanks.

No problem.

[PHONE RINGS]

Beth, would you get that?

WNYX.
Dave Nelson's office.

Oh, my God, hi.
It's for me, Dave.

DAVE:
What?

BETH:
Uh-huh.

No, I had no idea.