03x04 - Arcade

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "NewsRadio". Aired: March 21, 1995 –; May 4, 1999.*
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Showcases the hilarious antics of staffers at WNYX, the fictional No.2 news radio station serving New York.
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03x04 - Arcade

Post by bunniefuu »

Okay, what everyone's
been waiting for:

the announcement
of this month's winner

of the Budget Cutter
of the Month award.

DAVE:
Come on, guys.

Just-- Just pretend
to be into this, all right?

Matthew's into it.

[MOUTHING]
Come on, come on, come on, come on...

Matthew may be too into it.

Oh, God, I can't stand
the suspense.

Who is it? Who is it?
Well, Matthew, that--

Matthew, that--
That was my phone bill.

Oh, God, Dave, I--

I was kind of using that
as a make-believe prop.

I didn't know.
I'm sorry, Dave.

That's all right.
The winner this month is Beth.

Yes! In your face!

You. You. You. You.
Yes! Yes.

Well, not exactly in the spirit
of the award,

but congratulations nonetheless.
Thank you.

And it is for your suggestion:

"Get rid of the old sandwich
vending machine in the lobby,

which costs us an arm and a leg
to rent and no one uses."

What about my idea to stop
buying all those boxes

of paper clips?
No one really uses them.

No, I do.
JOE: Yeah, dude,

but making necklaces
and bracelets doesn't count.

Yeah, I-- I-I don't see
what's so bad

about the sandwich machine,
anyways.

What's so bad about it
is that they change

the sandwiches in it
like once every leap year.

Has anyone actually ever eaten
one of those dried-up,

old leathery specimens?
[GAGS]

What are you guys talking about?

Uh, sandwich machine
by the elevators.

Best sandwiches in the city.

Ew.

They're an acquired taste.

Like a good wine or cheese,

a sandwich needs to be
properly aged.

In the olden days, a country
squire would age his pheasants

for weeks before they
were deemed fit for consumption.

In the olden days, people d*ed
of ptomaine poisoning

and blamed it on ghosts.

All this talk
about aged lunchmeat and ghosts

has made me peckish.

I'll be at the sandwich machine
if I'm needed.

Okay, so, what do I win?
What do I win?

You get to call
the vending company

and have the machine removed.

Okay, wait, and then I get
the big five-foot check, right?

Tiara, Turtle Wax...?

[CRUNCH]

[♪]

Oh, hey, has anybody done
the Jumble yet?

Uh, no, it looks
like you b*at the rush.

Good, 'cause I got Jumble fever,
and I got it bad.

Well, Matthew,
I keep telling you,

if you'd take your quinine,
that wouldn't be a problem.

Let's see here,
we got "ned."

Ned, ned, ned, ned.

Nib, nib, nib.
Nod, nod, nod, nod.

Ona, ona, ona, ona.
O, O, O, O...

There's no O in that one.
Shh! I know.

It's all part of the process.

O, O, ona, ona,
O, O, O, O, O...

It's "chalk"--
"Chalk." Yeah.

We tied on that one.

These are a little bit harder
than they look, huh?

Yeah, I know.
Zed, zed, zed.

Zip, zip, zip.
Zap, zap, zzz--

Yeah, there's no Z
in that one.

Shh!
Za, zu, zzzzz...

"Glove."
"Glove."

Good eye, good time.
"Chalk," "glove."

Oh, "mostly," "detained," and:

"How did the mixed doubles team
fair in the big match?"

Answer:
"They fell in love."

Duh.
Thank you.

How did you do that?

Oh, um, well, you see
those letters there?

When you rearrange them,
they spell--

Yeah.
No, I know how to play.

No, how'd you do it
so fast?

Oh, well, um...

Okay, you just look
at the letters, right?

And then one of them goes,
"Pick me, I'm first."

Then the others are like,
"I'm second,

and my friend, Mr. E here
is third."

I'd really rather not reveal
the intricacies of my process

at this point in time.

You are good at that though,
Beth.

I know.
Hey, but can you do this?

Ew! G-- Ew!
[GIGGLES]

No, no.
Wait, wait, wait.

Can you do this?

Oh, my God, that's hard.
I know.

It took me, like,
since high school to learn.

Oh, yeah?

"Junior."
Oh, another one.

Yeah, yeah.
"Junior," "revamp," uh, s--

Oh, "tardy" and "lariat."

And, um-- Let me borrow this
for a sec.

"The manager said
the pinch hitter would be a--"

Oh. "A change for the...

[CACKLES]

...batter."

[CHUCKLES]

"A change for the batter."
[LAUGHING]

Dave.

I-I'm very busy with this report
right now, sorry.

It's finally happening.
W-what?

I'm getting stupider.

Huh?

The human brain starts
to deteriorate irreversibly

after the age of 30.

Where did you hear that?

I don't remember.
See? See?

You know what, this kind of
reminds me of the time

that my Uncle Larry,
he, uh--

Yes, I'm sure
it does, Dave.

But I couldn't even
do the Jumble.

The Jumble.

Oh, you rearrange the letters
to make words.

No, I know how to play.

Oh, well, see,
you're not so stupid.

No, I'm very serious.

Look, I can't even listen
to NPR anymore.

You know, I try to listen
and concentrate, and I can't.

My mind starts wandering.

I get confused.
Well, wait a minute.

Isn't that what's supposed to
happen when you listen to NPR?

I used to listen to it
all the time in high school.

I see, so you think
you're stupider than Lisa

from high school?
Possibly.

Mm-hm.
Probably. Definitely. Yes.

Well, there's only one thing
to be done.

You'll just have to retake
your SATs to find out for sure.

Ha-ha-ha.
Hm-hm-hm.

But, you know,
I did get an 800 on my--

I know what you got
on your SATs.

Knock, knock.
Here, can you sign this, Dave?

Sure.
[SIGHS]

There. Hey, I didn't just sign
for a stolen jeep, did I, Radar?

Dave, I don't watch Star Trek.

Anyway, this is for those guys

that are here
to replace the sandwich machine.

Okay-- What do you mean,
replace?

I thought we were just
getting rid of it.

Beth?

I'm sorry.
Where were we?

I'm stupid.
I don't remember.

Well, we knew this day
would come, Algernon.

Algernon.
Come on.

The super-intelligent
mouse from

[IN UNISON]
Flowers for Algernon.

Right, written by Daniel Keyes.
Inspired the 1968 film Charly,

for which Cliff Robertson
won an Oscar for best actor.

I should have known that faster.

No, you shouldn't have known it
at all.

I have to get back to work,
all right?

You gotta stop 'em.
They're actually taking it away.

I rescued as many as I could,

but I just don't have
enough change.

And they're putting
that monstrosity in its place.

DAVE:
What monstrosity?

All right, my good man,

we'll have no further use
for your services.

This is the manager,

and he's not about to let you

take these poor,
delicious souls from their home.

Please ignore him.

Now, Beth, what's this about
replacing the sandwich machine?

I thought we were
just getting rid of it?

Just relax. It's another concept
from the budget-cutter champion.

You're in good hands.
You got a garbage can?

I found this behind the machine.
[MOANS]

Oh, my God.

I'll take that.

It looks like it's been
in there for 20 years.

Hand it over.
Gently.

Gently.

[ELEVATOR DINGS]
Okay, okay.

Okay.

Ta-da.

No, no, no.
Uh, no, absolutely not.

Oh, Come on, Dave,
hear me out. No.

With a cash cow like this,
we will not only save money.

We will actually make it,
one quarter at a time.

Get it out of here quickly.

Come on.
Get it out.

With a pinball machine
like this--

First of all,
it is not pinball machine.

It is "Stargate Defender,"
a classic arcade game from 1981.

The glory days before
the 16-bit processors.

Anyway, I think the idea
is to k*ll off

all the spaceships--

No, the idea is to save
the humanoids.

That is,
if the Yllabian Space Guppies

don't get to you first.

Really? Oh, cool, so you've
played this game before?

No.

It just seems like common sense.

Hang on.

Were you one of those guys
in high school

who spent every day
at the arcade,

hunched over the controls
of a simulated spaceship

with all the other pale,
friendless virgins?

Don't be silly.

Look, just get it
out of here.

Those things are way--
Way too much of a distraction.

Just-- Just--
Just get rid of it.

So...

we meet again.

Dave?
Huh?

There are supposed to be
five differences

between these two pictures.

You know what,

they've actually changed
the IQ test.

Puzzles on the back
of cereal boxes

don't weigh as heavily
in your overall score anymore.

Yeah, I can only find two.

Well, the dog's hat is tilted
the other way.

Yes, well, duh.

And there are two frogs
in this one.

Got that.

Cowboy's boots are bigger.

Balloons are missin'.

Balloons hadn't been invented
yet back in cowboy times.

[CRUNCH]

Mmm.
Oh, yeah.

I really don't understand
how you can eat those things.

Well, they aren't what you would
call conventionally tasty.

I guess they remind me
of the sandwiches

my mother used to make
for me.

Your mother made you sandwiches
like that?

Yes, she made a month's worth
of sandwiches at a time.

Then she'd leave them for me
in a box on the porch.

She was quite a woman.

[CRUNCH]

I'll bet she was.

Of course, now I'll have
to ration these...

like a squirrel burying
a precious bone.

While those-- Those vidiots
play that infernal game.

Well, to be fair, Bill,

that game is a good test
of hand-eye coordination,

and it does further
your understanding of other--

Other worlds.

And besides, nobody--
Nobody's playing it.

I-- I took away
the extension cord.

Hey, g*ng! What's the buzz?
Tell me what's a-happenin'.

Hey, Mr. James.

Hungry, Jim?
I was.

Oh, there it is.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Oh, sir, no. No, no, no, no.
Please, sir. No.

Oh, come on, Dave.
No video games.

Let me play. Please. Gotta play.
Wanna play. Gotta play.

Look, once you put
your first quarter into it,

it will consume
your every waking moment.

It will it will haunt you
in your sleep.

It will irreversibly ruin
your life.

Okay, Dave, is there something
you wanna tell me?

Yeah, um...

I, uh-- I spent-- I spent, uh,
half of high school

playing "Stargate Defender."
Two solid years.

[SIGHS]

Two years, huh?
Mm-hm.

Well, you must have been
good. What was your best score?

1,248,500.
March 7th, 1983.

One-- 1.2 million?
Wow!

I mean, that--
Is that good?

Yeah. Wisconsin offers
very few distractions

for a...
pale, friendless virgin.

No argument there.
You got any--

You got any tips for me?
[CLEARS THROAT]

Yes, save the humanoids.
Yeah?

Just-- Just try
to imagine them as members

of your real-life family.
That way, you'll make sure

nothing bad ever happens
to them.

Save the humanoids?

Mm-hm.
Okay, Dave.

I'll try to check that out.

It's not him the machine wants.

It's me.

Ah...

I'll just leave these right here
in case you need 'em.

Hello.
Hello.

I just wanted to thank you.
Oh, for what?

That sarcastic comment
you made about the SATs

really helped me put things
in perspective.

Great, so I-- I assume
you've come to your senses?

Yes, I have decided
to retake the SATs.

Good for you.

I'm trying out
for the Drama Club.

I'm not kidding.
Mm-hm.

There's an SAT prep course
having a sample test tomorrow,

and I am going to take it.

Come on, you know, look,
the SATs

aren't even an accurate test
of intelligence.

That sounds like something
someone who got a low score

might say.
Uh, look...

On the day I took that test,
there were certain

outside factors that adversely
affected my performance.

Ooh, yeah, that's what
they all say, Dave.

Well, in this case,
it happens to be true.

So I have some work to do.

I would appreciate, uh,
being allowed to do it.

All right. Well, you know what?
Mm-hm?

Here's your chance to show
the world what you can do.

Why don't you take the test
with me.

'Cause that would be
ridiculous.

Okay, I can see quite clearly
that you're chicken.

I am not chicken.
And besides,

if you're really worried
about getting stupider

isn't it gonna drive you crazy
if I get a higher score?

Dave, I'm worried
that I'm stupider than I was,

not stupider than you.

What time?
LISA: Nine a.m.

I'll be there.

[ELECTRONIC BLIPS AND BLEEPS]

Good night, Jimmy.
[BLATHERS]

Night there, Jim.
All right.

You take the stairs.

I don't wanna risk
getting stuck between floors with those things.

Then we'd have nourishment.
[ELEVATOR DINGS]

I'd eat my arm off first.

Bon appétit.

Still at it, Mr. James?
[COIN FALLS]

So sad.

Come again?

So sad.

All them humanoids gettin'
beamed into outer space.

My mom, my dad...

My brother.

[SOBBING]
Oh.

There's nothin' I could do,
Dave. They're all gone.

Kind-- Kind of took my advice
to heart, didn't you, sir?

Did it at least help you
with your score?

Well, it's kind of--
Kind of hard to see the screen

through all these tears,
you know?

I'm sorry. You wanna play?
No, no, no, no.

Oh, come on. Just one game.
No, no, I really can't.

I have to get up early
for the SATs.

Ah, of course, of course.

Doesn't matter, I gotta--
I gotta call my mom

and apologize for letting her
down. I'll-- I'll see ya.

All right, good night, sir.

[BEEPS]

What did you say?

Ah, all right.

Well, it's been a long time,
"Stargate Defender."

[ROBOTIC VOICE]
Indeed it has, Dave.

I believe we have a score
to settle.

[SIGHS]

[g*ns f*ring IN GAME]

Damn.

Okay.

Just one more game.

Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.

Oh...

[SIGHS]

Good morning, Dave.
Oh, are you just going home now?

No, I just got here.

Ready?
I was born ready.

[♪]

[SIGHS]

How long do we have
before the next section?

Um, 10 minutes.
Mm-hm.

How you doing?
A little unnerved.

Well, it's not all that bad,
really.

No, I think maybe I just feel
a little awkward

about being the only kid
in my row with a pension plan.

Well, I'm gonna go
have a cigarette.

Uh-huh-- You don't smoke.
I did in high school.

Ah.

Hey, man.
Huh?

Your mom is fine.

My mom? Really?
Yeah.

It must be weird to have a mom
who's, like, a really cute girl.

[CHUCKLES]

Yeah, that is weird.

So why is she taking
the SAT with you?

Well, you know Mom.

You know, wants to keep an eye
on me. Always--

Always on my case.

I hear that.
Uh-huh.

Yeah, I'd like to have her
on my case.

[LAUGHS]

Hey, whoa.

What ya looking at?

Just a list
of vocabulary words.

You should relax.
The SAT's not such a big deal.

Well, maybe not.
But you better pretend it is,

or else you won't get
a good score,

which means you can't
get into a good college,

and then you won't get
a good job,

and then your life
will be ruined.

Oh, oh. I'm sorry.

I-I-I mean, maybe if you have
a lot of good extracurriculars,

it will--
Can I have a cigarette?

Yes, here.

Here. I'm sorry.

But you know what,
you shouldn't smoke.

I don't really smoke.
It's just--

[♪]

You okay, Bill?
I'm fine.

Great.

All right, I'll stop trying
to be brave. I feel like hell.

Well, maybe you should lay off
those sandwiches.

No, that's just it.

I finished the last one
at exactly 12:41 last night.

Ever since, things have been
happening to my body.

Would it be impolite
at this point

in the conversation
to just run away from you?

I think my system
got used to its hourly fix

of artificial preservatives.

My body has started to age
incredibly rapidly.

No, it hasn't.

Yes, it has.

We're running out of time.
Look!

Help me, I'm begging you!

You actually dyed your hair gray

to convince me to bring back
the sandwich machine?

Yes, I did!

Now do you understand
how important this is to me?

Only if you dyed all your hair
gray to match.

I did!

Uh, it's the testing people.

Great.

Hi. Yes, I'm calling
for the results

of the practice SAT scores.

Uh, Lisa Miller
and David Nelson.

[MOANS]

Thank you.

Well?

Well, uh, I scored the same
as I did in high school.

Terrific, terrific.
You feel better?

No, Dave, I don't,
because your score,

on the other hand,
dropped 120 points.

So what?
So what?

So what? At this rate,
by this time next year

I'll be spoonfeeding you pudding
while you watch Barney tapes.

And that is not what I want
out of a relationship.

Listen, that test
was not an a-accurate assessment

of my abilities, all right?
There were certain

outside factors
that had an adverse effect

upon my performance.

Oh, Dave, outside factors?
Give me a break.

Okay.

I stayed up all night playing
that damn video game, all right?

I-I'm exhausted,
and that is why I blew the test.

Well...

I am very,
very disappointed in you, Dave.

Which is exactly
what my mother said

when I did the same thing
before the real SATs.

"Stargate Defender"
kept me out of Stanford.

I'm sorry.
No, no, no, that's all right.

What's the deal
about Stanford?

You know, who wants to be
in California in the winter?

The winter in Wisconsin

is the best seven months
of the year.

Oh, well, you know, you-- You
could look on the bright side

and at least you got really,
really good

at "Star Trek Invader."

"Stargate Defender."

"Stargate Defender."

"Stargate Defender."

Here you go, dude,
20 bucks apiece, three for 50.

Ah...

It's been a long time,
my little friends.

[SQUISHES]

So, what, there's another
sandwich machine

on another floor?

Nope,
made 'em myself, heh.

Then I rapped them in foil

and ran 'em
through the clothes dryer,

and then I...
he-he, taped 'em to the roof

of my van when I drove
in to work this morning.

Then when I got here--
I'll get the recipe later.

[CHUCKLES]

All right, now, look, Dave.
I just want you to be prepared.

What, h-has somebody beaten
my high score?

No.

What-- What-- What?

I replaced the video arcade game
like you asked me to.

DAVE:
No!

[WHISPERS]
Oh, Dave, Dave, Dave.

BETH:
Oh, God. Come on, isn't she cool?

No!

What is the fun in that?

Dave, I know that in time,
you will grow to love her.

[WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY]

I wish I was big.

[VIDEO GAMES BUZZING]

Hey, aren't you that dude
we met at the SAT place?

Hey, fellas.

So how'd you do?

1.8 million.

No, I mean on the SATs.

Considerably lower.

So, uh, is your mom
gonna pick you up here?

Nope.

Damn.
Damn.
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