03x05 - Halloween

[bunniefuu]

Okay, now, I talked to Payroll.

If you get your time sheets
in on Tuesday,

they can get you
your paychecks--

Excuse me. I'm looking
for Jimmy James.

He's in there.

Where was I?

BETH:
Uh, you said somethin' about payroll, or--

Right, yes, uh...
the people in Payroll say

if you get your time sheets
in on Tuesday, they can--

Jimmy James?

Uh, he's in there.

Uh...

They'll get you your paychecks
out on the Thursday

instead of the Friday.

So if you get your checks
in on the--

Uh, Jimmy James?

Oh, uh,
he's right in there.

Thanks a lot. Is there any
coffee around here, anywhere?

Yeah, over there.

I thought you guys
weren't allowed to talk.

[LAUGHS]
I'm off the clock right now.

Hey, guys, listen, anybody see
a mime wandering around in here?

He's right over there.

Thanks.
What's going on in there?

I'm just getting together some
last-minute entertainment

for the big Halloween party
tonight.

Oh, hey!

Yeah, I really have no idea
what you're trying to say,

but, uh, I got a meeting
in 20 minutes.

Can we, uh,
hurry this up?

What, uh... What party
is he talking about?

The Jimmy James Incorporated
Halloween party. It's tonight.

Oh, right, that. Yeah, yeah.
I missed that last year.

Was it a good party?

Excellent party.
Open bar, lavish buffet,

helicopter rides.

You know what? I won
the costume contest last year.

I won third place.

Really?
What was your costume?

Uh, motorcycle enthusiast.

Gay biker.

The label on the costume

clearly said
"motorcycle enthusiast."

Yeah, thanks, uh--
Thanks a lot, guys.

Appreciate it.
Uh-huh, really good.

Thanks.

DAVE:
Okay...

Beth, would you stop
tickling me, please?

I'm not tickling you.

Find everybody
you needed?

Yeah, except the mime
wouldn't shut up.

Is there some kind of mime
authority I can report him to?

Stop it!

What? I'm not
tickling you.

Excuse me, are, uh,
you done with the snake yet?

I thought you took it.

No, I left him
with you.

[GIGGLING]
Seriously, stop tickling me.

What...?

Oh!

[♪]

Well, I don't think I've seen
people this excited

about a Halloween party
since the fourth grade.

Yeah, well, an open bar
really rekindles

that childlike
enthusiasm.

Hey, hey.

Hey, where is the party
this year?

Oh, it's right upstairs.

The, uh, penthouse banquet room.

Didn't you get your invitation,
Bill?

Actually, no, I didn't.

Oh, I-- Well,
I can explain that.

You didn't get your invite
because, uh...

you're not invited.

[LAUGHS]

JIMMY:
And neither are you.

Or you, or you, or you,
or you.

In fact, nobody from WNYX
is invited...

except for my little...
motorcycle enthusiast here.

Happy Halloween, everybody!

So anyway, i-i-if you get
your time sheets in on Tuesday,

uh, they say they can
get you your-- Your-- Your--

Your paychecks out Thursday
instead of on, uh...

Oh, all right.
I'll go talk to him.

No, no, no, no.

Standard, uh... Standard
chimpanzee'll do just fine.

Huh?

Oh, well-- Well, I-I want him
there so people can, you know,

pet him and take
their picture with him,

and maybe...wrestle a snake.

Huh? Hello?

BOTH:
Sir, why aren't you inviting

any of the staff
to your Halloween party?

Lisa, I can handle this.

I mean, these people work
very hard for you.

Matthew doesn't work very hard.

Matthew's invited.

See, that's right.

Just when you think
I'm gonna zig, I zag.

Well, sir, when you're done
with your zigzagging--

That's when I zog.

BOTH:
Are you just trying to save money?

Dave, I can handle this.
JIMMY: Kids, kids, kids.

It's not about money.

See, every year I throw
a wild Halloween party, right?

And every year, the staff
of WNYX nearly ruins it for me.

Well, how exactly
do they do that?

Well, they-- They-- They don't
get into the Halloween spirit.

They're-- They're too hip
to wear costumes

or bob for apples

or do my special, spooky version
of the hokey-pokey.

But, sir, we wear costumes.
Oh, yeah, right.

Like Joe,
walking around on his tiptoes,

saying he's Joe's
taller brother.

That doesn't count.

That doesn't count
as a costume.

It's conceptual.

What about Bill? Last year
he went as Guy Without Socks.

[LAUGHING]
Right.

I actually thought
that was pretty funny.

Didn't you?

Let's face it, these kids
are too cool for school.

I don't think I'm too cool
for school.

Then why no costume?

Because costumes
make me look chunky.

No, they don't.

Well, why don't you just,
you know, wear a funny hat.

Well, no, no, no.
Hats of any kind just emphasize

how out of proportion my head
is to the rest of my body.

DAVE: What?
[JIMMY LAUGHS]

Wear a mask with what
you're wearing now.

No, I hate what I'm wearing.
DAVE: You look terrific.

Look, this outfit makes my legs
look totally short and stumpy.

She's crazy.
Oh, I know.

[KNOCKS]

Yes? Can I help you?

Uh, I'm the psychic.

Mr. James hired me
for his Halloween party.

JIMMY:
That's me, honey.

Go right on up to, uh, 44.

Wait a minute.

Don't I-- Don't I know you?

Well, you might.

You're... Wait a minute.
I know you, I know you.

Oh, God! You're the psychic
with the infomercial, right?

That's right.
[GASPS]

Now, have you tried
my special hotline?

Well, like, a million times.
I called it a million times

till they blocked the 900
numbers, which is a total drag.

Yeah, well, a lot of offices
are starting to do that now.

How did you know I was calling
from an office?

Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.

Do a reading on me, please.
I beg you.

Oh, my God.
That's amazing.

Psychic reading.

Come off it.
That stuff is such a scam.

Oh...

And I suppose the Authentic
Alien Autopsy tape you have

is stone-cold reality.

First of all, that tape
has been examined and verified

by a panel of experts,
okay?

And second, the tape's called:

Authentic Alien Autopsy
Bloopers,

so you don't even know
what you're talking about.

Well, that woman is actually
one of the leading authorities

in the field of
psychic...ismology.

Do you actually believe
in fortune-telling, Bill?

Yes, as did Socrates,
Julius Caesar and Napoleon.

It is the wisest man
who knows

that there is much
he does not know.

I know.

Now, just sit down.

Let me hold your hands.
Everybody be quiet, shh.

Shh, shh, shh...

I see your destiny
as one of...

wealth.

I see an astounding rise
to fortune.

It'll begin very soon.

[GASPING]
Oh, my God.

Is that true?

Yes, that is completely true,

because I was just pre-approved
for a new credit card.

Oh, my God.
That's like...

Oh, my--
That's amazing.

Do-- Oh, please, please!
Do Matthew. It's amazing.

Shh!
Shh, shh, shh.

Shh, shh...
[CLEARS THROAT]

Aw, you're a cat person,
aren't you?

Such a cat person.

You see?

You have two cats.
Yes, I do.

And their names are...
Uh, let's see...

Uh...they're cute,
silly names.

Oh, no, that-- No.
I'm sorry.

It's way off.

Names are Chew-Chew
and Mitt-Mitt.

Nice try, though.

Matthew, you're just not
receptive to this woman's gifts.

Observe, skeptics.

You just might learn something.

All right, sweet spirit...

what does the future hold
for Bill McNeal?

And remember,
we're among doubters here,

so make it specific.

Hm...all right.

Ah...on March 8th...2032,

at 4:20 p.m.,
you will die.

You see?

Come again?

March 8th, 2032,
at 4:20 p.m.

That's when you'll die.

I'll dye my hair?

No, I mean die
as in death.

Your body will cease to live.

Pretty specific, huh?

Ha!

Wow.

Wow.
Wow.

Well,
that sucks for you, huh?

Apparently, Mr. James thinks
we have bad attitudes.

He thinks that we're too cool
for school.

School sucks.

Maybe so,
Joe, maybe so.

Right, Dave?

Ah, maybe so.

Maybe so,
but the point is--

The point is, we deserve to go
to this stupid party,

and if that means putting on
a dumb costume and dressing up,

then that's--
JOE: Come on,

you're missing the point
of Halloween.

LISA: Which is what?
Sitting in the corner,

making fun of all the dorks
wearing costumes.

Okay, all right,
this is just like high school.

In high school we all liked
sitting at the cool table

in the cafeteria, right?

That's right.
Yeah.

Wait a minute,
wait a minute.

Everybody here got to sit
at the cool table?

What was that like?

It was cool.

But now it's time to move
beyond cool.

Beyond cool.

Who's the coolest person
in the office?

Beth. Beth.
LISA: Okay. Beth.

Mm-hm?
You know you're cool

no matter what people think
of you, right?

Yeah.
And isn't coolness something

that comes from the inside,

regardless of
what's going on outside?

Again, yeah.
Okay.

You're so cool, you're not
afraid to put on a costume--

No way.
Me neither.

Okay, now hold it.

I think Lisa's point
is actually very eloquent.

Thank you.

So that means you'd be willing
to put on a costume--

CATHERINE:
Don't even think about it.

Okay, let me ask you
another question:

who's the most uptight person
in the office?

ALL:
Dave.

What?
That's right, Dave.

But tonight, Mr. Uptight here
is gonna out-cool you all.

How?

Tonight, Dave is going
to put on the stupidest,

most outrageous, dorkiest
costume you have ever seen,

because he is so cool,
he doesn't care

if anybody thinks
he's a dork.

[MURMURS OF APPROVAL]
LISA: Yeah.

Now, are you gonna let King Dork
outdo you?

No way!
I don't think so!

What in the hell
are we waiting for?

Let's go get some costumes.
Let's do it.

[GIGGLING]

We did it.

[SIGHS]

Not gonna rush out
and get a costume, Bill?

Well, maybe you
didn't hear...

I'm terminal.

I'm gonna die,
and that's that.

No, I didn't hear.
What's wrong?

Well, I only have...

36 years to live.

The psychic said I'm gonna die
one week after my 82nd birthday.

Oh.

Well,
if there's anything I can do

to make your remaining 36 years
more comfortable...

Thanks.

Could you get me
a cup of coffee?

No, no. But I'll call
the Make-A-Wish people,

see if they can help you out.

I don't know. It's just,
Dave and Lisa

put it all in perspective
for us.

Is that a fact?
Yes.

Yeah, we're gonna be
the coolest dorks ever.

All right.
Dorks, dorks, dorks,

dorks, dorks, dorks,
Yeah! Go, yeah!

ALL: Dorks! Dorks! Dorks!
Uh-huh.

Yeah!
Dorks! Dorks! Dorks! Dorks!

I don't really know
what happened there, Dave,

but, uh, good job.

Well, it was--
It was Lisa, mainly.

But it was you--
When you promised

to wear the most outrageous
costume in recorded history,

I mean, i-if that's not
leadership by example,

I don't know what is.

Least I could do.

Yeah!

Mm-hm.

It's gonna be wild!

Oh, the wildest.

Outrageous!

Totally outrageous,
yeah.

What is it?

Oh, I'd rather surprise you,
sir.

g*dd*mn!

This is--
This is gonna be great!

Uh-huh.
[ELEVATOR DINGS]

Dorks! Dorks! Dorks! Dorks!
Dorks! Dorks! Dorks!

Uh, guys. Guys.
Guys?

If you want the elevator
to move, you have to, uh...

push a button.

Dorks...
Dorks, dorks,

Dorks! Dorks! Dorks!

[♪]

JIMMY:
Hey!

You guys look great!

Okay, let me--
Let me guess.

Uh, alien autopsy coroner.

Uh...little devil.

Yeah-- Oh!
Pretty ballerina!

Queen of England?

Gay construction worker.

No.
No, ac--

So-- So, what are you,
Jimmy?

Huh, me? Oh, I'm--
I'm one of those dead guys

from The Field of Dreams.

Great.
Hey, where's-- Where's Dave?

Oh, I don't know.
I bet he chickened out.

Oh, come on-- Where's
his leadership by example

I was talking about,
Lisa?

Well,
I am wearing a costume.

DAVE:
Oh, so am I.

Go ahead,
have a good laugh.

That's my dress.

DAVE:
Yes, it is.

Oh, honey,
you look fabulous.

You're wearing my dress.

Yes.

If you ever wanna work parties,

I know a guy
who could hook you up.

Thanks, no.

He's wearing my dress.

Boy, oh boy, Dave,

I never realized you had
such long, slender legs.

Okay, let's go in,
everybody.

[PARTY MUSIC PLAYS]

Isn't this a wonderful night?

So I assume you realize
the psychic's death prediction

was a load of crap,
huh?

Nope, I've just come to accept
my imminent death.

And to be honest,

I've met a woman
who's really opened my eyes.

Really?
Yes, she's wonderful.

I just met her an hour ago,
and already she's made me see

that there's a lot more to life
than fear.

Oh, wow. Could we meet her?
But of course.

Dorothy.

Everyone...meet Dorothy.

But you're wearing--

Yes!

I am wearing your dress.

We have established the fact
that I am wearing your dress.

What is the problem?

You're wearing my dress.

You know, uh...

I saw you sitting here
and, uh...

Well, I--

I'm a guy.

I'm a mime.

Yeah, well,
I just keep telling him:

it doesn't matter
how old you are.

It's how much life
you have in you.

BILL:
So true.

But what are we doing
standing around?

My lady and I need to dance.

Oh, I don't know,
Billy.

I've got a rod in my hip
that acts up.

[CHUCKLING]
Oh, nonsense.

Maestro,
if you please!

Rump-shaker, or some reasonable
facsimile.

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYS]

All right,
all right.

I'm in love.
What's wrong with that?

How old is she, anyway?

A gentleman doesn't ask
such questions.

Rough estimate.

Really, really old.

It doesn't matter
how old you are.

It's how much life
you have in you.

Bill, she's old enough
to be your grandmother.

Don't be ridiculous.
My grandmother is dead.

Dorothy, on the other hand,
is very much alive.

No offense, Bill, but I think
that woman is running on fumes.

So am I.

So are we all.

That's why tonight, we dance!

DAVE:
What is wrong?

It is just a costume.

It's no problem.
Go away, please.

Look, would you wait up?

All right.

I think I know
what the problem is.

No, you don't.

Yes, I think I do.

It's about that whole leadership
by example thing, isn't it?

No.

You made a power play
in front of Jimmy,

to prove you're a better leader
than I am,

and now you feel one-upped.

No, Dave, that's not it.

Well, then,
what is the problem?

The problem is, you look better
in my dress than I do.

What?

You do!

I have never been able
to wear that dress

'cause I couldn't
pull it off,

and now you look like
a million bucks.

No, I look like
a man in a dress,

which is worth at the most
$150 on Ninth Avenue.

I'm sorry.

It's just that,
it just... Just...

hangs so perfectly
off your shoulders,

and your head looks
just exactly the right size--

Please...don't hate me
because I'm beautiful.

See!
What?

Yes, you know it.

Oh what?
You think you're so pretty,

and all the boys
wanna talk to you.

What?

I mean, how do you think
this makes me feel?

Well, how do you think it makes
me feel to realize at 30,

that I'm much better-looking
as a girl?

I guess you're right.

You have a much bigger problem
on your hands.

Well, I gotta
get out of this dress.

No, you can't take off
the dress.

What?
You can't.

If you take off
the dress now,

everyone will know
that I was jealous,

and they'll think I'm crazy.

But you are crazy.

But they don't
have to know that.

Can you please leave
the dress on?

All right, what the hell.
I am the belle of the ball.

More like party slut.

Jealous.

Miss, I want to thank you
for changing my life.

Oh, no problem, but I'm actually
in the middle of a reading--

Knowing that my days
are numbered

has given me a whole
new perspective on things.

Well, that's great.
Now, please, I'm busy.

And I've met a wonderful woman.
I've never been happier.

Do you mind?
Not at all.

I feel fantastic.

Colors seem brighter now.

Hey, I have an idea.

I'm gonna give you
another reading.

Oops, I made a mistake.

You are going to die
at 4:20 p.m.,

March 8th, 2232.

I'm going to live to be 282?

Yep.

I foresee a cure
to all known disease.

Maybe a pill you take.
I don't know. Anyway, I'm busy.

What's the matter,
my sweet?

We need to talk.

You know, Dorothy,

if you were a younger woman,
I'd probably lie to you.

What is it, Bill?

How do I put this?

Our relationship doesn't work
for me anymore.

But, Bill, what about living
each day of your life

as if it were your last?

Well, that sounds good to you
because you're...

You see...

I just found out, I'm going
to live nearly forever.

You understand
what I'm getting at?

That makes our relationship
just a little:

But thank you so much
for our time together.

Goodbye.

Well, you know, I actually
do think that, uh,

Dole has a point about the moral
bankruptcy of the mass media,

but I really don't think
he's getting that point

across to the public.

Now, if you could get your paw
off my ass.

Thanks.

Hey.
Hey.

How you doing? Feeling better?
Yes, I am. I'm sorry.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
What is this?

The Ellen DeGeneres Show?

No.

Look, look,
aren't you a little, uh...

uncomfortable in that thing?

I was a little uncomfortable,
but I went to the men's room

and adjusted my hose.

Pantyhose.

Oh, I gotcha!
I gotcha.

Lisa, I wanted
to congratulate you

for getting the staff
all whipped up.

I mean, if that isn't
leadership by example,

I don't know what is.

I mean, Dave, here could learn
a thing or two from you.

If I could draw your attention
to how I'm dressed.

I mean, if this isn't
leadership by example,

I really don't know what is.

Well, yeah, but it was
my leadership

that got you
into the dress.

Nonetheless,
I'm still in the dress--

Regardless, regardless, regard--
There is still one thing left

that's gonna require some heavy,
heavy-duty leadership.

What?
What is it?

I cannot believe Dave and Lisa
are doing the hokey-pokey.

[CHUCKLING]

I like watching them out there
all alone.

I can't believe
I forgot my video camera.

So this is what it's like
sitting at the cool table.

Oh, yeah,
this is it.

Oh, baby,
I could get used to this.

[ALL CHUCKLE]

Look at those dorks.

[ALL LAUGH]

Let's give him a big hand.
Best animal costume.

[APPLAUSE]

And now, the moment
you've all been waiting for...

gayest costume.

[CROWD CHEERS]

[LAUGHING]
I'm just kidding.

That's not actually a category.

Uh, the category:
best overall costume.

And the runner-up is...

WNYX's own Dave Nelson.

BILL: Dave, come on up here.
[CROWD CHEERS AND APPLAUDS]

Show the people
what you really look like, Dave.

There you go.

[CROWD WHOOPS AND APPLAUDS]
Exquisite!

That was our runner-up.

And the winner
of best costume overall...

Dorothy...Johnson.

[CROWD CHEERS]

Dorothy, show us what you...

look...like...

Uh...

[CROWD CHEERS]

[♪]

[♪]