03x06 - Awards Show

[bunniefuu]

Um, excuse me.

What?
Hello.

What?

Excuse me, but hello.

Dude,
what's the problem?

There-- There is sugar scattered
all over the place here.

Matthew,
there's like one, two...

There's like--
There's like six grains

of sugar on the table.

Thank you.
That is exactly

how the ant problem
got started in the break room.

There's no ant problem
in the break room.

Oh, so Joe the electrician
is now Joe the ant expert?

I prefer the term
ant enthusiast.

And I haven't seen
any ants in the break room.

Well, probably because
your big, clunky work boots

scare them away
or something.

Okay. Well, Matthew,
don't just stand there.

Show us the ants.
Okay, yeah.

Over here.
We're with you.

Tread lightly.

Okay, so you're saying

it's not safer
than a savings account?

No. That's just
what those guys

at the 401(k) scheme
want you to think.

So, what do you do?

You keep your money in a shoebox
under your bed or something?

Right.

Like I'm gonna tell you
where I keep my shoebox.

[SCRATCHING]

You thought I was an ant,
didn't you?

No. Unfortunately,
I was pretty sure it was you.

Seriously though, Beth,
I'm just--

I'm doing this
to dramatize a point.

To what?

Dramatize a point.

Wait. Hang on.
What?

Seriously, I want you
to get back in there,

because I wanna show it to Joe.

Oh, yeah.
It makes a good point too.

But seriously--
I hear you, I know.

There's ants
on the loose in here.

I know.
I got you covered.

This is gonna be great!

[♪]

Beth?

Beth?
Sweetie honey?

Bethy?

All right.
And finally--

Uh, tonight is the big night,

and I'm not gonna
try to hide it.

I'm just as nervous
and excited as the rest of you.

Oh, let me guess.
Mom and Dad are out of town,

and you and Lisa are finally
gonna go all the way.

I believe Dave
is referring to

the American Broadcasters
Society Awards Banquet.

Ah. And remember, people,

it's not whether
you win or lose,

because we are all gonna lose
in every possible category.

I beg to differ.

I think we stand
a pretty good chance

of bringin' home
some ABSAs tonight.

What on earth
makes you think that?

My gut.

Oh, let's all be real quiet

and listen to Dave's gut.

[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]
We're gonna win some ABSAs! We're gonna win--

[NORMAL VOICE]
Have you ever considered colon hydrotherapy?

I trust, as usual,

Bill speaks
for no one but himself.

Come on, dude.
WNYX loses every year

in every category.

DAVE:
Joe, what kind of attitude is that?

Joe's upset because
he doesn't get to go.

Well, I have
an extra ticket, Joe,

if you'd like
to be my guest.

I don't know
if I could bear watching

all you guys
get humiliated again.

Then again, maybe I could.

WNYX may have lost in the past,
but over this last year

I have watched you all blossom
into a group of winners.

Put it in the cup.
Put it in the cup!

[LAUGHS]

You know, call it a hunch,
if you want to,

but you know what?

I've got a pretty
good feeling that tonight, uh--

Ah, screw it.
Nobody has to go.

Meeting's over.

Look, I didn't wanna say this
in front of everyone--

I understand, Bill.

You wanna win
just as much as I do.

You have a different
way of showing it.

No, it's about your stomach.

You really should consider
the colon hydrotherapy.

Try my guy.
Best in the business.

Thanks, Bill.

[DAVE SIGHS]

What am I gonna
do about those people?

Just ignore them.

I would like to,
but it's just that they're--

It's their pessimism.
It's so overwhelming.

I know.

I think we deserve
a truckload of awards.

Of course we do.

So why do they
think we're gonna lose?

Because we are gonna lose.

Oh, you too, huh?

Oh, face it, Dave,
WYXP is gonna win everything.

They always do.

'Cause their station manager,
Marty Jackson,

spends his time throwing
parties for the voting members.

Oh, come on.

Why do you think they call
him Marty "The Party" Jackson?

Well, I just assumed
the rhyming aspect

suggested an internal logic
of its own.

Well, I'll tell you this much,
the party is over.

And you can quote me on that.

Party...is...over.

Got it.

Mm-hm.
Great.

What did Marty ever do to you?

Oh, well, here,
let me show you this.

Here is an interview
he gave to the papers

a few months back.

Here we go.
Uh--

"The problem with radio
is that too many

of our young
radio executives--"

Young radio executives.

--are quite frankly,
in over their heads."

I think it's pretty obvious
who he's talking about.

Me?
No, me.

Although it could apply to you.

No, it couldn't.
I'm not in over my head.

Well, neither am I.
Thank you very much.

And I don't think the voting
members are stupid.

I think they're gonna
send a clear message

that a good Marty party
does not an ABSA make.

Dave,
they're called American

Broadcasters Society Awards.

I'm aware of that.

Well, it's driving me crazy.
ABSA, ABSA, ABSA.

You know, anybody that uses
the word "ABSA" is just a dork.

I swear it is ABSA fever
out there!

Everywhere you go:
ABSA, ABSA, ABSA.

Absolutely, sir.

Dave, I was kiddin'.
Lisa, I heard what you said.

I think those people
are dorky too.

Thank you, sir.
You're welcome.

You know, it doesn't really
matter what you call it.

I think the real problem here
is the attitude of this staff.

Oh, got a little "glass half
empty-itis" goin' on, huh?

Oh, sure do, sir.

Want me to rile
up the troops a bit?

That'd be great.

Put a little fight
in their eyes? Please.

Set 'em up for the big fall
when we lose like we always do?

Well, we'll just
see about that, sir.

Yes indeed, we will just see.

Wow.

Really got a fire in his belly,
doesn't he?

Yes, he does.
He really ought to

see somebody about that.
I hear Bill's got a great guy.

Hey, Joe.

Hey, what's up?

I was, uh, just wondering:

have you given any thought

to what you might
be wearing tonight?

Yeah. I'm gonna
wear the same thing

I always wear
on special occasions.

Jets jersey,
green and white face paint

and a big foam hand
that says "We're number one."

But seriously,

I mean, you do know
that everyone is probably

gonna be pretty
dressed up and...

So?

Well, I was just
thinking that, you know--

You think I'll embarrass you?

Well, of course not,
it's just that--

You do. You think I'm a guy
who thinks dressing up

is bleaching the pit stains
out of my best white T-shirt.

Not at all, Joe.
It's just that I wanted--

You do. You think
I'm some greaseball,

doesn't know the difference

between a bow tie
and a "cumberband."

I guess now is probably
not a good time

to tell him the word
is "cummerbund."

Is there ever a good time
for that, really?

I'm just worried
that he's gonna show up

wearing a tuxedo with a pair
of red high-tops or something.

I hear you.
That's embarrassing.

Or worse, one of those T-shirts
with the picture of a tux on it.

Oh!

I love those!
I always think they're real.

Catherine, you guys--

Could you-- Could you
please do me a favor?

Well, sure, Matthew, sweetie.
What is it?

I need you to back me up
on this whole ant thing.

I mean, people in the office
are starting to think

I'm a little--
Whoo! --crazy.

Maybe we'll take a look at the
break room a little later, okay?

You know what?
We, uh--

We don't have to go
to the break room, actually.

Oh, did you, uh...

Bring some of your little
ant friends with you?

No. I, um...

I have--
[MUMBLING]

What?
What?

I have itchy red welts
on my buttocks, okay?

And I-- And I have
every reason to believe

that they are ant bites.

Are you coming on to me?

No, seriously,
Catherine, I think it--

They bit me when that spoon,

uh, accidentally
fell off the counter

and locked me in the cabinet.

Would you just please
take a look at 'em 'cause...

[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]
Yes.

[NORMAL VOICE]
Oh, Beth, that is so sweet of you to agree to that.

Sweetie, please.

Um, you know what?
I would love to take a look

at the itchy red welts
on your buttocks.

I would.

The problem with that
is just gonna be that

if I take a look
at the welts on your buttocks,

then Dave is gonna
want me to look

at the welts on his buttocks.

Bill too,
the water cooler guy.

Do you see my point?

Yeah, I guess it could get--
Okay, bye-bye!

Wait, Beth.

"Quite frankly,
in over their heads."

Well, that is not all.
No, no, no.

He continues to say:

"I don't care how smart he is.
No 29-year-old kid

can handle the pressure
of being a news director."

Twenty-nine-year-old kid.
Can you believe that?

Maybe I can help
you out here, Dave.

Whenever I have
a bee in my bonnet,

I find it helps
to take my hat off.

Meaning...?

Meaning I take my hat off,
the bee flies away.

What do I gotta do?
Draw you a picture?

Knock, knock.
I'm sorry to interrupt. What?

I just think that we really need

to have a meeting
about this ant invasion.

We got ants?

Yeah.

That's the understatement
of the century.

I hope they're
not the kind that bite.

[SIGHS]

I thought you'd never ask.
Would you take a look at this?

Look, I just don't know

what's so bad
about wanting to win.

May-- Maybe I can help
you out here again.

You know, when I was in school
there was this kid, right?

He wanted to play football
more than anything.

Coach wouldn't let him because
he wasn't big enough.

But did he give up?

I'm assuming for the purposes
of this story, no.

Damn straight!

No, it just made him
try harder and harder.

I mean, the kid--

The kid ate like
a wild animal every day.

I mean, he pumped iron
all night long and--

And after two months
he got a hernia.

Makes you think, huh?

I really don't think
I get the point.

Oh, yeah.
Well, there's one more thing.

That kid's name.

That kid's name
was Richard Nixon.

Richard Milhous Nixon?

What the hell's his middle name
got to do with anything?

Dave, the point
of the story is...

Uh, let's see.
Hernia, wild animal, Nixon.

Oh, hell,
it's in there somewhere.

I'm glad I could help you out.

Now?
Now.

Do you really think
you can, Jimmy?

Oh, Cathy,
they don't call me

"The Great Communicator"
for nothing.

Hey, Joe.

Hey, Mr. James.
What's up?

Just wondering if you're
looking forward

to the fancy dress, black tie
wingding tonight.

Uh, not really, but, uh,
Catherine asked me to go,

and I don't wanna deny her
the pleasure of my company.

Ah, yeah, I hear that.
I-I-I hear that.

Hey. Hey,

did I ever tell you the story
about my first job interview?

I don't think so.

Okay. Well, as I remember,
I was being interviewed

for a low-level position
at a records management firm.

This isn't a story where the guy
turns out to be Nixon, is it?

No.

No--
Wait a minute. Does it?

No.
Anyway,

there's all
these guys, right?

They were wearing narrow ties,
and I come in with a--

You know, a big, old fat one.

Needless to say,
I didn't get the job.

So what'd you do?
Go out and buy a skinny tie

and beg the man
for a second chance?

Hell, no!

I went out and started
my own records management firm.

Put that clown
out of business in six months.

That's right, sir. 'Cause even
with a big fat necktie,

you're still the best man
for the job.

Damn straight.
And that pinched-face,

narrow-tied little bastard had
to learn that lesson right then!

Right, sir. The lesson is,
that it's not about the clothes,

it's about the man
inside the clothes.

The man inside.
The man inside.

You are straight, brother man.

The man inside.

Amen!
You make me proud.

Thank you, sir.
Would you go tell Catherine

I'll wear whatever I wanna wear?

You got it.
They don't call me

"The Great Communicator"
for nothing.

I am on it!

So is he gonna wear a tux?

At this point, I don't know
if I'm gonna wear one.

[♪]

Well, well, well,
If we don't look

like a couple of winners,
I don't know who does.

My stomach's much flatter

since I've been doing
the colon cleansing.

Well, you--
You look terrific, Bill.

And well...
Well.

If you don't look like...?

Cher.
Uh?

It's an incredible simulation

of what she wore
to the Oscars in '87.

CATHERINE:
Does anyone know

what Joe's wearing?

Tell you one thing.
The only award Marty Jackson's

gonna win this year
is Hack Of The Decade.

Marty Jackson?
More like Marty "Hackson."

Damn straight.

Where's Matthew?

DAVE:
Come on, Matthew. Let's go!

Okay.
Coming!

"Remove safety tab."
Yeah, duh.

"Do not shake can."

Okay, too late for that.

Use 20-second time
delay to vacate room.

"Use only one can per room"?

Oh, no. No.

Okay.

Oh, thank God.

[AS SEAN CONNERY]
My name is Garrelli. Joe Garrelli.

Joe, you look great.

You really do.
Thank you.

Your last name's
Garrelli?

Come on.
Let's go.

You're not wearing that,
are you?

Of course.
Why not?

'Cause everybody
can see everything.

How would you like it
if I showed up

with a bow tie
and a jockstrap?

You know,
that reminds me of the time

I was elected treasurer
of my fraternity. We--

Never mind.

Let's rock 'n' roll, people.
Come on.

Wait till Marty Jackson
gets a load of us.

[HACKING COUGH]

[♪]

[♪]

COSTAS:
Thank you, you're very kind.

Welcome to the 32nd annual
American Broadcasters

Society Awards Banquet.

Tonight, we recognize
the best and the brightest

New York City
radio has to offer.

And who knows?

Maybe even Marty Jackson
will win something tonight.

That's right, Marty.

Laugh it up.

You tell him, Dave.

For the 10th time, Joe,
I am not cold.

Yes, you are.
And thanks to that dress,

everybody knows it.

Pardon me.
What's that, buddy?

Excuse me?

Maybe tonight's
not the best night

to be feeling your
oats, okay, grandpa?

Why don't you just
grab the drink

and move away
from the lady.

All right?
That's a good boy.

Joe, that was inappropriate.
Yeah, I know.

Do you believe him?
Trying to bust a move on you?

God, you are pathetic.
I'm pathetic?

What are you talkin' about?
I'm tryin'--

What are you lookin' at?

[COUGHS]

Can I get a drink, please?

You know, you look like
you've had enough, fella.

How 'bout you call
it a night, huh?

Whatever.

And the award for segment
producer of the year

for an all-new station goes to:

Lisa Miller of WNYX.

Bill McNeal, WNYX.
BILL: Yes!

WNYX.

WNYX!

WNYX.

Dave Nelson.
WNYX, of course.

[♪]

I didn't even know
there was a category

for electronics
maintenance technicians.

Yeah, me neither.

What are you talking about?

You didn't know
you were nominated?

No, I got like five or six

different mailing addresses
under various pseudonyms.

So, uh, probably
got lost in the mail.

Well, Dave,

I have to admit,
you were right.

I guess you were just
what this station needed.

Thank you, Catherine.
BETH: Yeah, Dave.

Right out of the gate,
you took us straight to the top.

Thanks.

Dude, you're the man.

That's good, right?

Then thank you.

And then the name of that kid
was Richard Nixon.

Yeah, I'm really
not sure I understand

the whole point of that story,
but it does remind me

of another presidential
football anecdote.

Oh.
The year was 1948,

and a young man
named Gerald Ford--

Yeah, yeah, yeah!
But the point is,

he got a hernia
from eatin' too much.

What do I gotta do?
Draw you a picture?

Hey! I know that dude.

JIMMY:
Quite a night, huh?

Clean sweep.

Don't do any better than that.

No, no.
It sure doesn't, sir.

Hey, what's wrong?
This is supposed to be

the happiest night of your life.

Oh, well, I...

can't remember being
more miserable.

What's the problem?

The problem is, now what?
You know, I--

In my wildest dreams, I thought
we'd get one ABSA, maybe two,

but this, you know.

Nowhere to go but down.

Oh, don't worry, Dave.
You know, everybody

feels like that when they
win one of these awards.

I won.

Me too.
Attaboy.

Well, I wish I could
give this one back.

Oh, oh.
Hey, did I--

Did I finish that story
about the kid

who wanted to play football,
but he wasn't big--

Nixon?
Yeah, I guess I did finish it.

Anyway, I drew you a picture,
just in case.

Can I get you another drink?

Sure.
Make it a double.

You got it.

Yeah, what you've got there
are most definitely

the bites of the common red ant.

Yes.
Thank you.

Now that is--
That is such a load off my mind.

Wow.
You're sure though, right?

Positive.
You know,

the legendary
Frank "Home Run" Baker,

one of the true greats

of the Dead Ball Era.
Mm, mm-hm?

He used to get red ant bites
on his buttocks as well.

Really?
Oh, yeah, yeah.

In fact, his locker
was built on an anthill.

True story.

"Home Run" Barker.
Wow.

Baker. Baker, Barker,
whatever.

Whatever.

That man just pulled down
his pants in front of me.

I want him arrested.

Joe?
Yeah?

Have you noticed that
we're the only ones at the bar?

Yeah.

Why do you think that is?

Well, look,

there's no karaoke machine.
There's no beer nuts.

The game's not on.
This place sucks.

Or maybe it's because
every time a man

comes within 10 feet of me,
you puff out your chest

and stare him down
like Sonny Liston.

Don't compare me
to that glass-jawed punk.

Long night?

Hey, if I told you,
you wouldn't believe me.

Excuse me?

Pardon?

What are you lookin' at?

I'm not looking at anything.

I'm conversing with
a fellow broadcaster.

Yeah, well, conversation's
over, dude. b*at it.

Big words from a guy wearing

a rented tux.

Oh, dude, that is it.
You are so squashed.

Come on, man.
You want a piece of me?

You want some of this?

Bring it on.

[SIGHS]
[JOE GROANS]

Dave Nelson.

That's what it says.
Mm-hm.

Marty Jackson.

I know who you are.

I just dropped by to say
congratulations.

Really?

Yeah.
Really, Dave.

You know, you're doing some
tremendous work over there.

Thanks.
That's very kind.

How old are you?

Twenty-nine.

No kidding?
You know something?

I won my first ABSA
when I was your age.

Really?
Yeah.

I had just moved here
from the Midwest.

You know, nobody thought I would
survive for a day in New York.

Oh.
Yeah, I know--

I know how that feels.
I'm-- I'm sorry.

Please--
Please, have a seat.

Hi.
Hi.

And then--

Then I won this prize--

[CLEARS THROAT]

--right out of the gate and,

jeez, I'm telling you,
I was in way over my head.

But you were good enough
to win the award.

Oh, well, yeah, but as I said
to a reporter guy one time,

I don't care
how smart you are.

No 29-year-old
kid can stand the pressure

of being a news director.

But I guess that
was just me, huh?

No.
No, no, no.

I feel the pressure too.
I do.

Yeah, it is tough, isn't it?
It sure is.

How do you deal with it?
I drink.

[CHUCKLES]

No, really.
I'm serious.

I drink a lot.

I can't stop.
I mean, the doctors tell me

I should stop because my liver

is practically sh*t, but--

[LAUGHS]
What do they know?

You said it, Marty.

So anyway, Dave.

Enjoy it.

You deserve it.

You got a long road
ahead of you.

Salud.

I just wanted to say
congratulations.

That's really something.
A clean sweep.

Go to hell, Costas.

[♪]

Okay, see, this is the bee.

This is a bee.

And this--
This is Nixon over here,

and this is the bonnet
on his head.

Why is the bee so much
bigger than Nixon?

'Cause I'm good
at drawing bees.

See, it's got wings like this.
It's got stripes.

He looks like a prisoner.

Do you ever see that TV show,
The Prisoner?

No, no.
Never mind.

This is a hernia over here.
And this--

This--
This is my dog and--

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Since when can a dog
drive a car?