03x08 - Movie Star

[bunniefuu]

Yo, yo.

What up?
Who want the rock?

What's with the ball,
Jimmy?

Gonna go see the Knicks play
a little hoop tonight.

You know, getting a little--
Getting a little loose.

You wanna
get that?

BETH:
Wow, basketball. Cool.

I didn't know you were
into basketball.

No, no, no, no, no.

Not just, uh, basketball.

I'm talking about
Knicks basketball.

Matthew.

You mind?

Problem is I got
two tickets for tonight

and nobody to go with.

BETH: Oh, I'll go.
I'm free tonight.

Joe!
Think fast.

What do you say?
You, me, Knicks, floor seats.

Ah, no, Mr. James.
I'm, uh, busy tonight.

Tonight's good.
I'm not busy--

Matthew!
Actually, I think I have di--

No, the ball, son.
The ball.

See, I don't think either
of you would

get into the game
the way that I do.

I'm kind of a...super fan,
you know what I mean?

I'd get into it.

No, I'm already
into it.

DAVE:
Hey, Mr. James.

Yo, Dave,

take it
to the hole!

[♪]

[CAR HORNS HONKING]

Matthew?

Oh, yeah.

BILL:
I have an announcement to make.

A friend of mine
is visiting today.

You might have heard of
my friend visiting today.

His name is James Caan.

You know James Caan?

The James
Caan?

Well, I call him
Jimmy, but--

How long have you
known him?

Who, Jimmy?

Yeah. How long
have you known him?

I've never actually
met him.

But his next movie
is going to be

about a radio
broadcaster,

so he's going to be following me
around to observe me.

You know, for the role.

Find out what makes
Bill McNeal tick.

JOE:
Cool.

I don't know if
I can handle this.

Do you know what a big
James Caan fan I am?

Wow, this is like
the real life Don Corleone.

No, it isn't.

No, that was
Marlon Brando.

Ah, James Caan played
Sonny Corleone.

Oh, I've seen that movie
so many times,

I don't know
who's who anymore.

Bill, can I please
meet him?

No.

You know,
I met Abe Vigoda once.

Same movie.

Got his autograph.

Look at that.

"To Donald."
I know, I--

I got so nervous
I forgot my name. Oh.

"I was not Don Corleone.
Yours, Abe Vigoda."

Very impressive.
Exactly.

Careful, it--

Oh.
Careful.

Ah.

Well, what's this?

Throw-up.

I was so nervous.

That settles it.
You are covering the Oscars.

Really?
No.

Dang it.

Bill, you sure
I can't meet him?

Yeah.

Yeah, he's gonna be
very busy studying me.

He doesn't need to be
pestered or hounded

or thrown up on
in any way.

Well, that's asking
quite a lot,

but I'm sure we'll
all do our best.

And, uh, meeting is over.

Come on, Lisa, let's go.

Now? Are you sure
we have enough time?

It'll only take 20 minutes.
Okay. What is it?

I told you, it's a surprise.
Sorry.

Hi.
BOTH: Hello.

I'm, uh--

Excuse me, I'm
looking for a Bill McNeal.

Mr. Caan.

My father was Mr. Caan.
Call me Jimmy.

Huh. Likewise.

I'm sorry, I-I thought
your name was Bill.

It is.
Don't worry about it.

Easy mistake to make.

Come right this way.

Matt, I need that
Giuliani copy pronto.

Great job on the Gore
interview, Nikki.

Like I always say,
it's all about legwork.

Hey, big Jake,
where's that Pulitzer

you're gonna win
for me?

Ha-ha-ha.

Listen, I'd, uh,

like to thank you
for letting me

check things out here.

And if I get in your way,
just let me know.

Will do.

Have a seat.
Thank you.

Now, you're probably
wondering:

"What makes this
Bill McNeal tick?"

Well, it all started
with a dream.

A dream of a kid from a--
Excuse me.

Uh, actually, um,

I'm only interested in
the technical details.

Technical details.

Yeah, like, uh...what kind
of headphones you wear,

how you wear them,
that kind of thing, you know?

Right. Like what makes
a guy like me tick.

Where to start.
Where to start.

Well, uh...

how about headphones?

As a broadcaster I probably
seem confident and in control.

But inside?
The private me?

There's pain.

Oh, yeah.
And a little fear.

Uh, um...

I'm-- I'm sorry to hear
about that, but, uh...

sounds like none
of my business.

Maybe you can show me
into the broadcast booth now?

I see.

You start out with
the nuts and bolts,

and then get into the deep
psychological study.

No. No.

I-I start with the nuts,
I move on to the bolts,

then I get the hell out of here.

[LAUGHING]

So, what exactly
happens

to the broadcaster
in your story?

Well, I'm not supposed
to discuss that,

so let's talk
headphones.

[COFFEE DRIPPING]

I understand.
Keeping it under wraps.

[WHISPERING]
So, what exactly happens

to the broadcaster
in your story?

[WHISPERING]
I'm not supposed to discuss that,

so let's talk
headphones.

Hey, pal.

Could I get a cup of that?

[CUP BOUNCES
ON FLOOR]

Watch the shoes.

Who's the spaz?

DAVE:
One second. Okay.

Uh, now you can
open your eyes.

Okay.

[INHALES]

Hawaii?
Oh, Dave.

We're going
to Hawaii?

No, we're not.
Oh-- What?

No, it's the TV
I'm gonna--

I'm gonna buy you a TV.

Oh.

Oh.

You know, I-I-I don't think
you should buy me a TV.

Oh, I-I know,
it's extravagant.

But you're the only one
I know that doesn't have a TV.

There's a reason
I don't have a TV.

I-I know. I know.
You hate TV.

Yes.
I-I mean, I--

[SIGHS]

I know that I sound
like a cliché,

but I think TV
is ruining society.

It's pervasive
and insidious,

and turns people
slowly but surely into...

morons.

I love this episode.
This is the one where

Mr. Haney's trying to get
Arnold Ziffel to eat

this newfangled pigslop.

[INDISTINCT VOICE
ON TV]

So...um...

do you write
your own news copy,

or do you just read
what they give you?

The way I look at it,
you and I are a lot alike.

You're a Hollywood
tough guy,

and I'm kind of a New York
a.m. radio tough guy.

Uh, what-- What are you
talking about?

Nothing.
Just talking to myself.

Um...what about the news copy?

News copy. News copy.
Good question. Very important.

But I gotta warn you,
that's not what makes

Bill McNeal tick.

Uh, Bill, I don't wanna
offend you,

but I'm really not interested
in what makes you tick.

You know what
I'm saying?

Um. Oh. Hi!
[CHUCKLES]

[NERVOUS LAUGHTER]
Huh.

Matthew, this is
a bad time.

Mr. Caan,
I'm a very big fan.

Oh, thank you.
Thank you very much.

Um, nice to meet you.

What's your name?

I don't know.

Fine.

What can I do
for you?

You were so great
in Thunderball.

Oh, I wasn't--
I wasn't in Thunderball.

You're probably thinking
of Rollerball.

Yes,

but when I watch Thunderball,
I do wish you were in it.

Well, thank you.
I guess.

Thanks.

I'm nervous.
Can I get an autograph?

Oh, sure.
Sure thing.

I have--
I have a pen.

Whoops. Oh.

[EXHALES]

Hi.

[SHIVERING]

[HUMMING]

Excuse me.
What is it that you're doing?

I think it's in my pants.

Look, I-- I have a pen here,
if you'd like.

I gotta go to the bathroom
and take my pants off.

Of course
you want a TV.

Look, Dave, when I was
in junior high school,

I made a conscious
decision not to

watch TV, so I could
concentrate on my grades.

And I haven't
looked back since.

All right, Lisa, well,
you know what?

You got good grades.
You got into a good college.

You graduated.
You got a good job.

It's over. Let it go.
Live a little.

It's never over, Dave.

Oh, come on. I'll buy
the TV for myself,

put it in your apartment,
you never have to look at it.

Why don't you just
read more?

Oh, read what?

I don't know.
Like, Anna Karenina.

No, no. No, thank you.

I missed like a whole
semester's worth of Cheers

reading Anna Karenina.

Not doing that again.

Well, you should.

I am reading it
for the third time.

Really?

So you read the same thing
over and over again,

yet it's me that has
the brain that's mush?

Y-- No.
Yes.

Every time I read it,

I discover something new
in the text.

It's--

WOMAN [ON TV]:
They won't be long.

Dave?

You know, there were actually
six Arnold the pigs?

This one's number three.

Not my favorite.

LISA:
That's ridiculous.

DAVE:
A lot of smart, intellectual people watch television.

Name one.
Dave Nelson.

Okay, Dave Nelson.

What's the last book
you read?

Hm? Uh...

Goober in a Nutshell.

What?
Goober in a Nutshell.

It's a book by the guy
who played Goober

on The Andy Griffith Show.

He had-- he had
a very sad life. Oh, really?

It was a compelling
read. Yes.

Your brain has
turned to mush.

I can't believe it.
Oh, really?

Well, at least it doesn't take
an hour and a half

to buy me a TV.

An hour and a half.
Yes.

We have wasted an hour
and a half in here.

It would've taken 20 minutes
if you weren't being snobby.

At least I'm not
an anti-intellectual moron.

At least I wasn't a social
outcast in junior high because

I didn't know the difference
between Pinky Tuscadero

and Leather Tuscadero.
What?

[CHUCKLING]
Okay, let me help you out. Oh.

Pinky was Leather's
older sister--

I don't wanna hear about
Pinky Tuscadoo-doo

or any of that--

Tuscadero.
Whatever.

I cannot help you
if you will not listen.

JOE:
Let the quiz begin.

Winner goes to the Knicks game
with Jimmy.

No substitutions.
No penalties.

No time limits.

Beth, pick a card.
Any card. Okay. That one.

Okay. "How many players
are there

on a professional
basketball team?"

[SCOFFS]
Okay. There's, like,

six offense,
seven defense,

two guys in black and white
shirts. Fifteen?

[MAKES BUZZER SOUND]
Wrong. Twelve. But very close.

Ha. This is
going to be easy.

Catherine,
pick a card.

Here.
Read this one.

In the 1976-77 season,
which Pacific Division player

had the highest rebounding
average per game?

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.

Wrong, but very close.

Jabbar had the most
rebounds total,

but Bill Walton
had 14.4 per game,

to lead
the league.

Well, don't I get
partial credit?

No, I'm sorry.

There's no partial credit, baby.

With me it's all or nothing.

Uh...that one.

Name three people
who play basketball.

[SCOFFS]
Michael Jordan.

Rod...

Man.
What?

And...wasn't there some guy
who spit on a kid?

Be a little more specific.

Was it a...

loogie?

I'm afraid I can't
give you that one.

You see, forces of good and evil
are constantly at w*r

for my soul.

Yeah. Yeah,
that'll happen.

You know what, let's
talk about headphones.

You know, we in the business
call them cans.

What's that guy's name again?

BILL:
They fit over your ears.

Snugly,
like this.

But here's
the beauty part.

When you're not
using them,

you can put them
around your neck,

like this.

That guy's gotta be
the strangest son of a bitch

I ever saw.

Wilt Chamberlain.

Wilt Chamberlain does indeed
hold the NBA record.

With 11,862,
thank you very much.

Correct.

But when you add
Moses Malone's totals

from the ABA
to his NBA total

of 11,058,
he comes out ahead.

Well, wait a minute.

I'm sorry, Catherine.
Joe's right. My turn.

Okay. That's it.

This time
I'm picking it.

This is ridiculous.

Just read the question, please.

[SIGHS]

"How many points
for a three-point sh*t?"

[LAUGHING]

Ha, that's so easy.

Okay.

Three times the points you would
get for a regular sh*t.

Can you be
a little more specific?

Twenty-two.

You gotta wonder what,
you know--

What is
going on up there?

BILL:
Who cares?

You see someone like that...

then you just gotta think,

what-- What makes this guy tick?

I thought you didn't care about
what makes people tick.

Huh? Yeah.

Oh, I, uh--
Usually no, but...

I mean, that's mesmerizing.

BILL:
You know why I got

into radio
in the first place?

When I was very young,
my favorite uncle

was k*lled by a radio.

Electrocuted or something.

That never happened.

Yeah, but it could have,
and if it had-- Excuse me.

Will you?

Hey, there.

Um...

[CLEARS THROAT]

I'm Jimmy.
Hi.

[EXHALES]

Could I, uh--

Could I ask you
something?

I don't know. Um...

What makes you tick?

I have cats.

Of course.
Cats.

How many?

Three.

I wish.

Actually, only two.

[GIGGLES]

Hm?

Would you mind if I, uh,
just sat here

and watched you work
a little bit?

Knock yourself up.

Out. Out.

[CHUCKLES]

I said--
Mmm.

Listen,
you just go,

you know,
do what you normally do,

and, uh, don't let me
bother you, huh?

Sorry.

Just--
Yeah.

[MUMBLING]
Don't say anything stupid.

Just don't say
anything stupid.

Don't say anything stupid.
Don't say anything stupid.

What are you saying?

Oh, um... Reminding myself
not to say anything stupid.

Which is stupid,
I guess.

Right there.
That didn't work. Great.

I'm just, urgh.

[CHUCKLES]

I gotta make
a phone call.

Pinky Tuscadero.

Excuse me.

Yeah?
What's this?

Oh, this is our

top-of-the-line, 52-inch,
rear-projection model.

No, no, no.

I mean, what is this show?

Oh, that's, uh,
C-SPAN2.

What's C-SPAN2?

It's mostly live coverage
of the Senate.

Live coverage of the Senate?

Yeah. Political stuff
like that.

Hang on,
I'll change it.

No.

Thank you.

MATTHEW:
Oh, I'm sorry.

I must have misdialed again.

I don't know.
I must have misdialed again.

Uh, Jimmy,

I'm going into the booth now
to use the cans if--

Not now.

You want a vitamin?

Do you have an agent?

Lisa?
Yeah.

I'm sorry.

If you don't
want a TV,

that's something I can
understand and respect.

Uh-huh.
Mm-hm.

You know, I'm
aware that sometimes...

Sometimes I don't really
listen to what you're saying,

and that's something
I really have to work on.

And I will.

Okay.

Okay.

Dave?

Oh, hi.

You know, um...

I really want
to apologize to you

for back there.

I just-- I guess
I got too hypercritical

and I hate when
I get like that,

I know. I know.
but, I-- You know,

I-I think
that you're right.

I think that we should
just get a TV.

What?
Um, anyway,

so, I'm thinking, uh...

I'm gonna
get rid of my TV.

That is a great idea.

Let's get this one right here.

Huh?
Huh?

What?
What?

Wait, what are
you doing?

What were you watching?
I was watching this channel.

C-SPAN2. I mean,
that was

a Senate hearing on
Medicaid reallocation.

Apparently they show stuff
like this all the time.

Yes, they do.
Yeah.

Yeah, I could watch that
like 24 hours a day.

How often is it on?

Twenty-four hours a day.

Oh, my God.

We have got to get a TV
for my apartment.

Maybe we'd be better off
without a TV.

No, we'd be better off
with a TV.

With the-- With the--
With this TV.

This TV right here.

[GASPS]
Oh, it's Trent Lott.

[CHATTER ON
BOTH TVs]

What is it?

Why are you trying to steal
James Caan from me?

What are you talking about?

You know what
I'm talking about.

Walking around,
pouring coffee on your shoes,

dropping pens
down your pants.

Oh, my God.
Do you think he noticed?

Of course he noticed!

This is so embarrassing.

You're loving it,
and you know it.

He doesn't think I'm
some kind of spaz, does he?

You are a spaz!

Yeah, I know that, but does he?

He's so distracted by you,
he can't even concentrate

on what makes me tick.
Uh, I'm sorry, Bill, I...

What does make you tick?

Forces of good and evil
constantly at w*r with my soul, et cetera, et cetera.

But that's not
important right now.

What you need to do--

What I need to do
is just go home

before I do anything else
stupid in front of him.

No, what you ne--
Good idea. Smart thinking.

Just disappear. We're both
on the same page here. Okay.

Oh, I can't believe
my hero

thinks I'm an
incredible weirdo.

Happens every day.
Don't think twice. Just go.

Oh, wait.
Here he is now.

Hey, hey.
Uh, you got a minute?

I'm afraid I must take my leave
of you now, Mr. Caan.

We're just getting started.

I'm not going anywhere.

No. Obviously.

Look, uh, you don't have time
for a couple questions?

I'm sorry. No.
I gotta go. Bye. Okay.

So, anyway, where was I?

Before I go, you think I could
get a quick autograph though?

BILL:
No. Sure, sure, sure, kid.

Oh.
[VIBRATES]

Here you go.

Oh, right.

Who should I
make it out to?

I don't know.

Oh, I thought it was
Matt or Matthew.

Donald.

Donald.

I thought it was Matt.
I'm--

Yeah, it could be.
Try that one too.

You know, you gotta be the most
fascinating son of a bitch

I ever met.
Thanks.

So...

To, uh--
To Matt,

or Donald.

Thanks. Thanks,
I'm sorry.

Yeah.

Do you ever
get nervous?

Hm? Oh,
oh, sure.

Everyone--
Everyone gets nervous.

You ever get so nervous
you feel like throwing up?

No, why?
Do you?

[SPUTTERS]

I can't believe
I threw up on James Caan.

I can't believe he just
laughed it off.

I can't believe
he didn't punch me.

I can't believe
he did punch me.

Come on, come on,
come on.

It's nearly game time.
Who's gonna go?

I wanna go.
But I deserve to go.

[WHININGLY]
I wanna go see the basketball.

She can go
another time.

Oh, for crying out loud.

Neither of you can make
a simple decision?

It is ridiculous.
All right, let's see.

I can't either.
I'll tell you what.

I'll buy Spike's ticket
off him.

You can both go.
[BOTH CHEER]

[♪]

[CROWD CHEERING]

This is
so amazing.

Yeah. Yeah!

But I gotta warn
you ladies, though,

I really get
into this game.

I know. I hear you are
the original super fan.

Yeah, well, my reputation
precedes me.

And don't worry, Jimmy.

We won't bug you
with a lot of questions.

Good. Good.
Just-- You know what?

Promise me you won't leave like
my guests usually do, all right?

Mm-mm.
Why? Why would anybody leave early?

I don't know. I guess they don't
get into the game the way I do.

JIMMY:
All right. Let's hear it for the

Knicks!

Let's go! Let's go!
Let's go!

[CROWD CHEERING WILDLY]

Yeah!

[SCREAMS]

You know, Dave,

I like C-SPAN and all,
but there's just

nothing else I could possibly
watch on television.

I mean, none of it
interests me at all. Yeah.

You might wanna see this.

Well, what
is it?

Tabloid television?

Situational comedy?

I mean, it's all
so empty really.

Look, Lisa.
Lisa, look. Look.

I'm telling you that
none of it interests me.

None of it.

I swear this is
worth looking at.

Great, Dave.

Sports.

[REMOTE CLICKS]

Can we go?