03x12 - Rap

[bunniefuu]

[♪]

LISA:
No, I understand. I just don't think I can do it.

No, really.
I-I'm very flattered,

but I just don't feel right
about this.

No, no--
Attention!

Lisa,
Well, I--

time for staff meeting.

Time--

Beth.

What?
I'm on the phone.

But I am on the megaphone.

Megaphone wins.

Could you excuse me, please?

It's kind of personal.

Are you pregnant?

No!

What's so personal?
It's nothing, really.

Can you please start
the meeting? I'll be there soon.

Attention, Bill!

Time for staff meeting.

Hello? Hi.
Yeah, sorry about that.

At any rate...

I really just don't think--

Yes.

Beth wanted me to tell you
there's a meet-- I know.

Okay.
Thank you.

Hey, you pregnant?
No!

Hello? Hi.

Yes. Yeah, I-I know,

I-I understand,
and I don't--

I don't wanna seem...

...ungrateful. It's just
that-- I'm not really--

I'm not really that comfortable
with this, and I...

BETH:
I understand all that, and they explained all that.

Again, it's very nice.

It just isn't
the kind of thing that I do.

And plus, it's not like
there aren't...

a lot of other people-- Ah!

[THUMP]

What the hell's wrong with you?

BILL: Nice one.
JOE: Way to go, dude.

Jeez, Matthew.

[♪]

[♪]

LISA:
Mr. James, I need some advice.

What happened is, New York
Magazine is doing this special

"Best of New York" issue,
Mm-hmm.

and they called,
and they want me to be in it.

Well, that--
Well, that's terrific.

Best, uh...
Best reporter in New York?

No, that's not exactly
the category.

Oh. Then what-- What is it?

It's, uh...

Oh, it's stupid. Never mind.

Oh, come on.
It's stupid. I can't tell.

You can tell me.
No.

[GOOFILY]
It's your Uncle Jimmy.

What?

[GOOFILY]
It's your Uncle Jimmy.

Cutest reporter in New York.

Cutest-- What--?

Why, that-- That's great!

They take your picture
and everything?

Yeah.

Oh, that is great.

What's great?

Lisa, Lisa. She's gonna--

Uh, uh, Uncle Jimmy...

Oh, I got-- I gotcha.

I gotcha.

[LAUGHS]

Uncle Jimmy?
Yeah, it's--

JIMMY:
Hey, everybody!

New York Magazine
named Lisa Miller

cutest reporter in New York!

[OFFICE CHEERING]

DAVE:
Well...

Well, that is great.
No, it's not great.

It's demeaning and it's stupid
and it's silly,

and I'm not gonna do it.

Hey! Come on in!

Hey.
There she is!

Congratulations!
Congratulations!

[CHEERING & AP PLAUSE]

[♪]

You installed
the stereo yourself.

Aren't you morally obligated
to service it for free?

I was. Your warranty
ran out last week.

That's a lie.

When did I sell it to you?

I don't know.
Seven or eight months ago.

Oh, look.
It ran out yesterday.

Damn.

What's wrong with it?

I don't know, it just
doesn't sound right. Listen.

[MUFFLED RAP MUSIC BLARING]

Sorry, I like it loud.

Ah, change the station,
dude.

Uh, it's not a radio station.
That's a CD.

You actually listen
to this garbage?

It's not garbage, Joe.

It's rap music,
and I love it.

The wild rhythms,
pulsating bass lines,

this stuff speaks to me
in places

I didn't even know
I had ears.

Look, Bill, I can fix it,
but, uh, this is gonna cost you.

This is a highly sophisticated
piece of electronics, you know?

I gotta look at schematics--
Fine, fine.

Perhaps my friend, Mister...

Franklin.
Right.

Perhaps my friend Mr. Franklin
can persuade you.

Yeah.
That should cover it.

Let's see here.

Oh, look.

[MUSIC PLAYS NORMALLY]
There, it's fixed.

How on Earth
did you do that?

You see that knob there?
The one marked "treble"?

Yeah, you had it turned
all the way down.

Should be able to hear
all the words now.

There are words?

All right, look, I did not
ask for this stupid award.

If I were you
I would be upset too.

I mean, you, cute?
Come on.

Well...

I'm not entirely uncute.

Uh-- Why are you being
nasty about this?

I'm not being nasty.
You're pretty.

You're very pretty,
in fact. But cute?

I don't think so.

Well, I wasn't aware
that there was a difference.

Well, of course
there's a difference.

"Pretty" means pretty.
"Cute" means pretty,

but short and/or
hyperactive, like me!

Uh-huh.

Well, what is "beautiful"?

"Beautiful" means
pretty and tall.

"Gorgeous"?

Pretty with great hair.

"Striking."
Pretty with a big nose.

Okay, you're making this up.

That's ridiculous.
Why would I make it up?

"Voluptuous."

Pretty and fat.

"Sexy"?

Pretty and easy.

"Exotic"?

Ugly.

You know,
I don't understand

what this has to
do with anything.

Look, once they start calling
pretty people "cute,"

it devalues the whole word.

What's gonna happen next?

Cute exotic people?

Cute sexy people?

It is very important
that the word "cute"

remain precise terminology

to the people
who truly have cuteness,

like me!

All right, all right.
Now, hold it. all right?

Hold it, Beth.

Now, don't take it out
on Lisa.

It's not her fault
that she's cute.

She's not cute.
She's pretty.

Okay.

Then what am I?

Sexy.

[GIGGLING]
Thank you.

[♪]

CATHERINE:
Bill, what's wrong?

Have you ever heard
rap music?

Does Sir Mix-a-Lot
like booty?

It's an outrage!

Listen to this.

Actual rap lyrics.

"Life ain't nothin'
but...gritches and money."

Only they don't say "gritches,"
they say a certain word

that rhymes with it
that starts with a B.

"Britches"?

Britches...

I thought--

I thought
you liked rap.

I did! But that was before
I knew it had words.

[GIGGLING]
Wait. You didn't know it had words?

Well, why did you think
they call it "rap"?

I thought it was just
because of the rhythm.

You know,
"rap-rap, rappity-tap."

Then there's the way rappers
refer to each other

with a certain word which--
Which I won't even repeat.

Mm. What word?

The N word.

Ooh.

[CHUCKLES]

"Nerd"?

Worse.

Worse than "nerd"? Um...

I don't--
This is a tough one. Um...

Listen to me, this stuff
is available everywhere!

I mean, if it were only sold
through the classifieds

in the back of p*rn mags...

p*rn mags have classified ads
in the back?

Yes.

I-- So I hear.

Are you gonna be rantin'
about this for a long time?

You better believe it, buster.

Because as long as
any trusting citizen

can walk into a record store
and pick this up-- Joe!

"Naked."

"Nincompoop"?

Hey!

Now, I'll excuse it
this time.

But I don't ever wanna hear
you use that word again.

You hear me?

Nincompoop--
Yeah!

Okay. Sorry.

Hi.

Hey.

Listen, thank you for helping
me out with Beth back there.

Don't push it, okay?

What?

I'm probably even more upset
about it than Beth is.

I just hide it better.

So don't push it.

All right, why on Earth
would you be upset about this?

I'm upset because if there was
ever an award I deserve,

this is it.

Okay, well, I'm sorry.
I didn't know that cuteness

was so high on your list
of career goals. Look,

for as long as I've been
in this business,

every time I've gotten
a promotion,

people have always said
that it was because of...

Well, you know what.

'Cause you're black?

What?

No.

Because of these!

And this.

And the one time these and this
should get me something,

it goes to somebody
with... Egh.

With what?

With those.

And that.
Okay.

No offense, no offense.
Okay, all right, okay.

These may not
be...those,

but th-that isn't
too shabby.

My ass.
Oh, okay.

Well, you know,
that may be nice...

but, honey, come on.

All right, all right.
You know? I...

I cannot believe this thing
is making us turn on each other.

All right, hold on, Lisa.

Now just because
we're talking

about these and those
and this and that,

doesn't mean
you're turnin' me on.

No. No, no, no. No.

No. I don't mean turn--

I mean turning--
Turning on.

Turning on.
Not turning on.

Mmmm-hmmmm.
All right.

Listen to this.

"I don't want none
unless you got buns, hon."

Understandably, Bill,
I'm a little hurt,

but if that's
how you really feel...

[CHUCKLES]

And you know what the name
of that track is?

"Baby Got Back."

Teenagers can buy this.

So could the elderly.

I decided to do

an on-air editorial.

Draw a line in the sand,
as it were.

Can I make a suggestion?
sh**t.

Put aside the editorial,
invent a time machine.

Travel back to the year 1988,

and you might actually be one of
the first thousand journalists

to break this story.

You'd like that,
wouldn't you?

It's too hot!

You don't wanna
burn your fingers.

Well, someone's gotta open
American eyes about this.

All right, Bill,
but promise me one thing.

You'll stay away
from the lambada!

That forbidden dance
is a powder keg ready to blow.

I'll promise you nothing!

Hey, Bill.
Oh, please.

The cute act might cut it
over at New York Magazine,

but around here
it's all about the work!

Why is everybody
yelling at me today?

Well, you should know by now

that cuteness has both
the power to attract...

and repel.

Hey, kid!

When's the big photo sh**t?

I'm not doing the sh**t.

You're not doin' the sh**t?
What, are you crazy?

Th-that's free advertising
for the station.

Honey, free advertising,
that's something...

you just can't buy.

However cute I may or may not be
really has nothing to do

with my competence
as a journalist.

Oh, yeah?
Well, I'm willin' to bet

there isn't a single
licensed brew master

on the Swedish bikini team
either, but tell you what,

those gals really know
how to sell some beer.

Well, yeah,
but that's advertising.

You know, advertising
is inherently deceptive.

I'm sorry. What?

Advertising is deceptive.

[JIMMY SNAPS FINGERS]

Lemme tell you something,
little miss.

Advertising pays our bills,
all right?

Advertising pays
your salary.

Advertising is what made
this country great.

O-okay, maybe I misspoke--

What was the Constitution
of the United States?

A document--
No!

It is an advertisement!
An advertisement for liberty!

"When in the course of human
events..." I'm telling you,

that's right up there with,
"Put a tiger in your t*nk,"

and, "Where's the beef?"

Don't you understand?!

Heck! I'm sorry.
I gotta get some air.

[SIGHS]

I think maybe
you should apologize.

Oh, he's not serious.

Hell, if it wasn't
for advertising,

you know what you two
would be doing, huh?!

You two'd be givin' out
Sesame Street tote bags

during PBS pledge breaks,
except--

Except they wouldn't say
"Sesame Street" on 'em.

Oh, no.
They wouldn't say that.

If they said that,
that would be...

Ad--
Advertising! That's right!

Hell, if you two had your way,

there probably wouldn't even be
any Sesame Street, would there?

Would there?!
Dave?

Just reading some ads.
Not involved at all.

Yeah, that's right!

There'd be no Ernie,
would there?

No, no. There'd be no Bert.
Bye-bye.

Bye-bye to Grover.

Bye-bye to Cookie Monster. No.

There'd be no Snuffleupagus,
would there?

Forget the trash can,

because there ain't no
Oscar the Grouch.

Not to mention
Kermit the damn Frog!

I'll do
the photo sh**t.

What?

I will do the photo sh**t.

Oh, well, you know,

I don't want you to do anything
you don't wanna do.

[♪]

"And I have to conclude
that this thr*at

"to the American way of life
has been grossly misnamed.

"It's not rap music...

"it's crap music.

"And that's
'The McNeal Perspective.'"

Well...

congratulations,
Bill,

you've outdone yourself.

You really think so?
Yes, yes.

I think this has to be
the most idiotic thing you've ever written.

Um, h-he didn't write it.

I wrote it.

All right, then it's
the most idiotic thing

Matthew has ever written.

Wait a minute,
they can't all be

the most idiotic thing
I've ever written.

And besides,
you had no right

to make Matthew
do your work for you.

I didn't make him do it.

I paid him.

Quite handsomely,
I might add.

Well, let's just--
Let's just say

I was persuaded by
Bill's friends Mister, uh...

Mr. Lincoln,
Mr. Washington and...

Oh, Mr. Washington again.

Well, I'm sorry.

No, Bill, you cannot do
this editorial.

Hey, whoa, whoa.
What's goin' on here?

Society's under siege, Jim,

and Dave refuses to send
in the reinforcements.

This about advertising?
No.

It's about this.

Hey, I own that one.

You own this album?

No, I own the company
that distributes that album.

Oh, so that's why Dave's
trying to k*ll this story.

I guess it's all

about the almighty dollar, huh?

No, Bill, it's not just
about the almighty dollar.

It's also about the...

plucky little dime
and the omniscient nickel

and the ferocious quarter.

[GROWLS]

I think this is a time
to remember

the most important things
are the ones money cannot buy.

I'm sorry. What?

Well done, Bill.

I'm gonna jump to the end
and work my way backwards.

Do you like Ernie and Bert?

What are you talking about?

Well, I like Bert.

Well, I don't
"like" like Bert.

He's just a puppet.

[♪]

LISA:
Yeah, so I couldn't cancel the photo sh**t

because I had given
Jimmy my word.

But he didn't say anything
about them turning me down.

So?

So I called up the magazine,
and I told them

that we unanimously objected
to being judged in any way

by a criteria of cuteness.

It's disgusting.

And inaccurate.

And then I told them
that if they wanted a photo

it would have to include either
all of us or none of us.

All or none.
Right on, sister.

Okay, so,
what did they say?

[LAUGHS]
They said...

that they would love
to have all of us.

Actually, I think
his quote was,

"If the other two
are as cute as you are,

the more the merrier."

Can you believe that?

I mean,
how sickening is that?

What time are we
supposed to be there?

I gotta get my hair done.

Should I bring clothes,
or will I have to wear

some weird white jumpsuit
or something?

Wait, are you insane?

You know, I just bought
a new Versace blouse--

Wait a minute. Why is--?
Everybody is insane today.

So it won't be a problem?

Nah, no problem at all.

In fact, one little phone call's
all it's gonna take.

Mm-hmm?

Yeah. Chuck always, uh,

always loves to do
a favor for the big man.

Right.

Of course,
I'll have to pay him.

Well, greed has never been
one of your vices, sir.

[CRACKS KNUCKLES]

I'm sorry. What?

Greed is good.
Money is everything.

I love Big Bird.
Please make the call.

Oh, okay.

[♪]

[CAMERA SNAPS]

[CAMERA SNAPS]

May I help you?

Hi. I'm here
for the sh**t.

And which sh**t
would that be?

Um...

[MUTTERS]
cutest reporter in New York.

Excuse me?

Cutest reporter
in New York.

I didn't ask
for the award.

You Lisa Miller?
Yes.

Hello, I'm Randy.
Hi.

I thought they said it was
a three-person sh**t.

It is. They'll be here
in a minute.

Okay. Well,
if it's kosher with you,

I'd like to do some test sh*ts
before they get here.

Sure, go ahead.

Oh, you mean with me.

Well, only if you don't mind.
Oh, yeah.

Sure, I guess. Why not?

Yeah, right there.

Yeah, that's, uh, great.

Yeah. Can we try
and loosen it up a touch?

Yeah, sure. Um...

Lisa, darling, where is that
cute girl we're looking for?

Ah, see, I knew--
Ah! There she is! Perfect!

[CAMERA SNAPPING]
No, no, no.

I really don't feel comfortable

portraying something
that's not representative...

Oh, I'm-- I'm sorry.

I'm...sorry.

No, it's okay.
I mean, it's not--

That's the stuff!
Perfect!

No, no, no.
That's the way!

You're so cute!
I'm really...

That's great. Comfy!
...not comfortable.

Three, two...

[CAMERA SNAPPING]

The time is 4:30,

and now
the "McNeal Perspective."

A plague afflicts America.

From sea to shining sea,

Lady Liberty is endangered
by a hideous new disease

[OVER SPEAKER] called rap music.
Ah.

Hi.

So glad you could make it,
Mr...D?

What's up?
You must be Dave.

Yes, how'd you know?

Jimmy told me to look
for this polite guy

that would be
callin' me Mr. D.

That's me.

You can call me Chuck.
Oh, thanks.

So where's the guy
that's talkin' crazy things

about rap lyrics, man?

Oh, it's the...
guy in there

that looks like he's talking
crazy things about rap lyrics.

Uh, please, go right on in.

JIMMY:
Hey, Chuck.

Hey, Jim.
How ya doin'?

What's up?
You all set?

Yeah, it's straight.
All right.

You're gonna have fun?
Yeah.

Okay.
Thanks a lot, man.

Oh, God,
I don't know, Dave.

Maybe this wasn't
such a good idea.

Why?

Well, what if...?

What if Bill
out-debates Chuck?

Well, sir, I think you
underestimate the tenacity

of Bill's personal beliefs.

And what he believes in,
above all else,

is the importance of
sucking up to famous people.

And that's
"The McNeal Perspective."

And now WNYX welcomes
into its studios

an authority on this type of
highly questionable material.

I'm sorry,
I didn't catch your name.

Chuck D.
You're going to have to find

a new name, my friend.

That one is already taken
by someone in your industry.

Yeah, it's taken by me.
What's up? I'm Chuck D.

Welcome to the Terrordome!

Once again, back is,
the incredible,

the rhyme animal, D.

Public Enemy number one,
kickin' it live

with yours truly,
Biznill McNeal.

Welcome, Mr. Chuck.

Thanks a lot.
Good to be here.

No, thank you. So glad you could
drop by. What's on your mind?

Well, first of all
I heard you was shocked

about the lyrics of rap music,

and I'm here
to tell you that rappers

rhyme about what they see
in their environment.

Yes, they do.

They tick-tock,
and they don't stop,

and none do it
better than you.

More power to you,
my man.

I thought we was here
for a debate.

A debate?

No. How utterly wack
that would be, yo.

Yeah, but just a minute ago,

you was talkin' about
how offensive

the lyrics were of rap music.

This?

Look, I just read this crap.

He's the guy who wrote it.

What's up?

Hello.
All right,

do you really think
that rap music and the lyrics

are cancerous to today's youth?

Um...

I-- I do tend to exaggerate
when I write.

Yeah.

Exaggerate. Cool. Mm-hmm.

Sometimes we exaggerate too.

But you exaggerate to make it
more exciting,

what you write, right?

Well, yeah, 'cause in radio,
it helps to,

you know,
jazz it up a little bit

so that we create
what we call a "word picture."

Jazz it up. Word picture.

Yeah. Mm-hmm.
You know?

Yeah. I feel you.
Yeah.

We're two peas
in the same pod.

Well...you're doin' it
to make money, though.

Didn't you get paid to write
that editorial?

Yes, I did.
That's right.

So sometimes it's about
gettin' paid too. Okay.

So we're no different,
right?

Oh.
You feel me?

Yeah. Whoops, sorry.

I'm gettin' paid too.

But you're gettin' paid sayi''

something that you don't
even believe, some nonsense.

Yeah. Right on. Hey, can I
get a picture with you?

Excuse me.

Hey, where you guys been?

Oh, we got held up
in traffic.

How's it going?
Is it fun?

Well, yeah,
once you let go, it's great.

They're not gonna make us
do anything stupid, right?

No, no, no, no. Uh-uh.

Come on, let's go.

Oh, this is my idea.

Besides, you know, if they ask
us to do anything stupid,

it's all for one, right?
We can all just refuse.

Yeah, as long as we
are controlling it.

Right?
Absolutely. Yeah.

[CAMERA SNAPPING]

Come on. Get in.

Lisa, where are you going?
Where you going?

Lisa, come back!

Lisa!

Please!
Lisa!

All right,
if she's not gonna do it...

RANDY:
Time is money.

[♪]

Yeah, but just a minute ago,
you was talkin' about

how offensive the lyrics
were of rap music.

Oh. This?

I just read this crap.

He's the one
that wrote it.

[CHUCKLING]
What's up?

[WOMAN LAUGHING]

[SIGHS]

Hi.
How are you?

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Um...

MAN:
Okay, let's--

[ALL LAUGHING]