03x14 - Complaint Box

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "NewsRadio". Aired: March 21, 1995 –; May 4, 1999.*
Watch/Buy Amazon

Showcases the hilarious antics of staffers at WNYX, the fictional No.2 news radio station serving New York.
Post Reply

03x14 - Complaint Box

Post by bunniefuu »

Okay, so you just
talk into this.

This thing?
Yup.

And this...

does all the rest.

Good, good.

So I see you've stormed
the dean's office.

Well, what are your demands?

I think that's
college humor, sir.

Oh. I didn't
go to college.

Me neither.

Right on,
my brother.

BOTH:
Hoo!

[GIGGLES]

Going fishing, sir?

Yup, yup, yup.

Time for my annual
vacation.

Just a little...
fishing.

You know, me and
the great outdoors.

Oh, sounds
very relaxing.

Oh, I hope not.
I hate relaxing.

Which is why
we got this thing.

I see. So you
catch the fish,

then keep them alive
using hospital equipment?

What we have here
is a state-of-the-art,

two-way satellite
voice hook-up.

I call it
the Garrelli 1000.

That's right. Keeps me
in constant contact

with, uh, you good folks
here at the office.

Just-- Just wait here
while I test it out, all right?

[CLEARS
THROAT]

This thing work?

Yeah. Watch.

JIMMY:
Ahem. Breaker, breaker, Dave's office.

This is the break room.
Dave's office, come back.

This is Dave's
office.

Read you loud and clear,
break room. Over.

Ah, break room, copy's having a
big 10-4, good buddy.

Well, looks like
we got ourselves a convoy.

Ain't she
a beautiful sight?

Here are
those promos, Dave. Oh, thanks.

Hey, have you guys seen that
headset thing Jimmy's wearing?

I guess if you're rich

you can afford to
look like a bonehead.

Who's that?

[AS MATTHEW]
It's me, Matthew.

Okay, Matthew,
wait right there.

Okey-dokey.

Matthew!

Come here.
Look.

What is it?
There.

Oh.

Yeah?

[CLEARS THROAT]

What? Oh.
Hi, Mr.--

Oh, wow! Neat headset.

Thanks, thanks. Kind of like a--
Kind of like a walkie-talkie.

Hey, you wanna help me
test if out?

Yeah, sure--!
Good, good.

Stand here, and we'll
test it out, all right?

Oh, sure.
All right.

Hear me?

I can hear you,
can you hear me?

Uh, no, I can't
hear you too good.

Could you step back
a little bit?

Step back?
Yeah.

Testing,
one, two, three.

No, uh,
a little more.

Can you hear me,
Mr. James?

Coming in.
A little more.

[♪]

[CAR HORNS HONKING]

[COUGHS]

"Furthermore, no employee
of Jimmy James, Incorporated,

"or any of its subsidiaries,
may discriminate against,

"or harass any other employee
on the basis of race, creed,

religion, gender, age
or sexual orientation..."

Query.
[ALL GROAN]

Recognized.

What exactly
does "creed" mean?

DAVE:
Oh, come on.

All right. creed means--

LISA:
An accepted system

of shared beliefs,
religious or otherwise.

Oh, so you can't
make fun of somebody

for what
they believe in.

Right.

Ah, what if it's something crazy
like the ancient Egyptians

were actually Martians who came
to Earth looking for water?

And what exactly
is crazy about that?

Let's see, I'm a Martian,
I need water.

I'm gonna travel, who knows
how many thousands of miles--

34.6
million.

34.6 million miles to Earth,
and then land

in the middle
of a huge desert.

Makes sense to me.

It wasn't always a desert.
Think about it.

"Section 18: any formal
complaints regarding co-workers

"may be lodged anonymously
in a clearly marked box.

"Once you read
these employee guidelines,

please sign the attached form
and give it to Beth."

MATTHEW:
Query.

What?

Query.

Recognized.

We don't have a complaint box.

Joe, put up
a complaint box.

JOE: Okay.
There.

Wait, I'm not done
reading this. Mm.

Last time, I--

I signed something
without reading it,

I had to do Bill's
dry cleaning for a year.

Mm-hm. I don't think
what Bill made you sign

was legally binding.

No, I'm afraid it was.

It was witnessed and notarized
by an official notary public.

Joe?

Yeah.

And on top of it all, I had
to pay Joe a $20 processing fee.

What an ordeal.
[SIGHS]

Well, at least
the three of you

have managed
to stay friends, huh?

Well, it's just business.
What can you do?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay, just remember not to crowd
the microphone, all right?

I've used
one of these before.

Okay, but not
like this.

This is the Garrelli 5000
Voice Recording System.

Incredibly sensitive.

So try not to make
any extraneous noises.

I understand.
Now can we roll?

Sure.

Classics on Tape presents
Our Mutual Friend,

by Charles Dickens,
as read by Catherine Duke.

[STOPS TAPE]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I'm picking up
some background noise here.

I don't hear anything.

Yeah, it's like a clicking.

You know what?
Take off your bracelets.

That might help.

And your rings.
Your rings.

And... And your blouse too.

Wow. Now I got a clicking
and a ringing.

JIMMY [OVER SYSTEM]:
Hi, Dave.

Well, I have arrived
at the lake.

I was just testing out
the old satellite hookup.

Well, it seems to be
working fine.

So, what did I miss so far?

Nothing much. We wasted
about an hour and a half

discussing the employee
conduct guidelines.

Well, now, look, that
wasn't wasted time, Dave.

Those guidelines
are very important.

Really? Why?

Because I am tired of getting
my ass sued every time

some damn employee pinches
some other damn employee's ass.

Now, you follow those things
to the letter, you hear me?

Will do.
[KNOCKING SOUND]

Would you keep this vile temper
of yours under control?

No, that's not me.

Somebody's hammering
outside my office.

Oh? Well, well,
what are we waiting for?

Let's go investigate.

Okay.

All right.

Help. No, hey, hey.
Dave. Dave!

Dave, I said
let's go investigate.

You and me both.
Come on.

All right.

Ah. Dave Nelson
and his robot buddy,

fighting crime.

Uh...

There you go, dude.

What, uh--
What is it?

Uh, it's a formal
complaint box.

Ah. What does it
look like?

Sort of like a box.

I like it.

Well, who wouldn't, after that
beautiful word-picture.

Know how you told me
not to put a bell on it?

Well, I didn't.
Thanks.

I put a buzzer.

[BUZZES]

Great. Thanks.

Hey, Dave,
is Beth around?

Yeah. Wanna
talk to her?

Uh-huh.
[MOUTHS SILENTLY]

So...

did you k*ll
any fish yet, Mr. James?

No, I didn't k*ll any.

Tell you the truth,
I'm a little bored.

Let's, uh--
Let's go for a walk.

Actually, I can't leave my desk
because I'm waiting for a call.

Oh, come on, Beth, please?
Just a little walk?

Oh, okay.
Whatever you say.

All right.

All right, here we go.

Okay.

[HIGH, SQUEAKY VOICE]
Hey, what up, Mr. James?

Oh, Matthew!
Hey, little buddy.

[DEEP VOICE]
Oh, hello, Mr. James.

Hi, Catherine.

[IN A SENSUAL VOICE]
Hi, Jimmy.

[CURIOUSLY]
Hi.

No.

Nope.

[SMACK]
Um.

Try the blinds.
I think it's the blinds.

Oh, it's no good.

Shh. I hear
something.

So this is where
you sneaks go

to try out
your interpretive dance.

Shh. Come on. We got
a background noise problem.

Consider it solved.

Thirty years in radio
have honed these ears

into the most sensitive
of listening devices.

Shut up, Bill.
Silence, if you please.

Joe, what did you
have for breakfast?

What does that
have to do--?

Answer the question.
I had a bagel.

Are you sure you didn't
have Raisin Bran?

I had Raisin Bran.

Yes. Yes, you did.

Two bowls with skim milk.

That's amazing.

So, what's the background noise?

One moment.

Hang on.
Dave wants to see me.

Yes, David?

Uh, yeah, Bill. I was
just looking for you.

I know, I know.
And by the way, how was the...

oatmeal you had
for breakfast?

I haven't had
oatmeal in years.

Oh, you must be
really backed up.

Didn't you ever call
my colon-cleansing guy?

Maybe you remember this morning,
we were discussing

employee conduct
guidelines, and, uh...

"Whenever an employee
lodges a complaint

"against another employee,
it is the supervisor's duty

"to promptly pursue
a satisfactory resolution

through official channels."

Uh-huh.

Who ratted me out?

Uh, no one
ratted anyone out.

Oh.

Then who do you
want me to rat on?

No one. No one.

But there has been an official
complaint lodged against you.

So, legally, we have to have
this conversation to resolve it.

Okay. I understand.

Thanks for bringing
this matter to my attention,

and I'll do my best to be more
sensitive in the future.

Hold on. Let me at least
tell you what the complaint was.

Please tell me we're
not going to have to do

some therapeutic
role-playing exercise.

No, of course not.

But, uh, apparently
you called someone "baby."

Who?

Well, who isn't relevant.

And besides, these cards
are anonymous.

Matthew.

Why would you call
Matthew "baby"?

Are you sure
it didn't say "a baby"?

I can't--
I can't tell you that.

It was Matthew.
I knew it.

I-I didn't say that.

You didn't have to.

The eyes are the windows
to the skull, my friend.

Soul.

For those who have one, yes.

All right.
Thanks, Bill.

And please don't retaliate,
all right?

[BUZZER RINGS]

Thank you.

You know that "whenever
an employee lodges a complaint

"against another
employee, it's

"the supervisor's duty
to satisfactory resolution

through official channels."

I know.
Okay, great.

Great. Then you may go.
Thanks.

What? Wait.
Wait a minute.

If there's a complaint,
let's resolve it.

All right, look, don't take
this thing too seriously.

Because I happen to know
who wrote it and why.

How could you know
who wrote it?

The complaint box
is anonymous.

Let's just call it a hunch.

Well, okay, Hunchie.

What is it?

Well, all right.
It says, uh,

"Matthew tells
long, boring stories

about his personal life
that nobody cares about."

Ouch.

Don't worry. It's just
somebody's idea of a joke.

Well, I think we should
talk about this.

Really not necessary.

I think it is necessary,
because I do, actually.

I do tell long, boring stories.
Haven't you noticed?

Be that as it may, it's not
disruptive to the workplace.

I think it is.

I mean, people are trying
to work out there,

and there's me,
telling my long, boring stories.

Blah, blah, blah.

Even I can't get any work done,
because there I am going

blabbety-blibbity-blabbety
all the time.

Jeez.

You wrote this complaint
about yourself, didn't you?

I cannot divulge
that information.

Yes, I did.

But you didn't hear it from me.

You've gone insane.

No, I'm not even here right now.

What?

Look, Ma-Matthew,

The point is that
that complaint box

is supposed to be
for legitimate grievances.

This is a legitimate
grievance.

[BUZZER RINGS]
Another one.

Oh, somehow
I doubt it.

Oh, boy.

Lisa, can I talk to you
in my office for a moment?

JIMMY:
Bom, bom, bom!

Oh, Beth, you promised
you'd take me everywhere.

Mr. James, I never
promised you that.

Okay, maybe not.

But it gets lonely
in my little box.

Well, it gets lonely
in my little box too.

But I'm not taking you
into the bathroom with me.

Oh, please, Beth, Beth!
Come back, Beth!

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

"...responsibility to seek
a satisfactory resolution--"

Are we gonna be wrapping
this up anytime soon?

"Through
the official channels."

[BUZZER RINGS]

All right, let me guess.

Matthew is upset

because I wouldn't let him
use my nail file.

No, I'm afraid it's a little
more serious than that.

Oh! My eyelash curler?

Look, you know, I'm--
I'm legally bound here.

And--
[BUZZER RINGS]

If I don't respond to each
of these complaints officially,

I could be sued or fired.

What's the complaint?
All right.

[BUZZER RINGS]

Some person or persons
seem to feel that...

[BUZZER RINGING]

...you get special treatment
because you are

sleeping with the boss.

[SCOFFS]
That's ridiculous.

These complaints are getting

more and more ludicrous
by the second.

That's crazy.
I don't agree.

This is the first legitimate
complaint I've had.

Dave, I am not sleeping
with Mr.James.

I think...
[BUZZER RINGS]

...the boss they're probably
referring to is me.

Oh.

Right.
Mm-hm. Yeah.

I'm sorry.
Oh, well.

Uh, it's still crazy though.

Name one thing I get from you
the rest of the staff doesn't.

Well, for starters,
there's my--

[BUZZER RINGS]
Besides that.

Uh, look,

I know this is a subject
we both try to avoid,

but, uh, if even one person
feels this way,

we should try to be
sensitive to it.

You're right.

Mm-hm.

Dave...

you know, if you, uh...

tore up that
little complaint,

I'm sure I could make it
worth your while.

Really?
Oh, yeah.

Oh, now see? That was
totally unethical.

And completely
inappropriate.

And I'm very sorry,

but I'm afraid
you leave me no choice

but to pursue this
through official channels.

[BUZZER RINGS]

[SIGHS]

All right, I take the complaint
box very seriously,

and I seem to be
the only one who does.

A complaint about
the complaint box?

Delicious.

Bill, I'm serious.
I'm not amused, all right?

I happen to be the one who
has to deal with all of them,

no matter how stupid they are.

Well, Dave, how stupid
could they be?

Well, let's have
a look here.

"You suck."

"You suck."

"Howard Stern
rules."

"If you can read this,
you are a dork."

"Coupon for one free kiss
from Joe if you are a girl."

"We need
more complaint cards."

"Coupon for one free kiss
from Joe if you are a guy."

Hey.

And: "You will go on a journey.
Happy long time."

"Matthew
is a moron."

"No, I'm not."

"Yes, you are."

"No, I'm not
infinity."

"Yes, you are
infinity plus one."

And this one:
"I have doobie in my funk."

Which I assume is some sort
of reference to the problem

in Funkadelic's song,
"Chocolate City."

Uh, "You got peanut butter
in my chocolate."

"You got chocolate
in my peanut butter."

"Together they taste
like crap."

"Matthew has been staring
at me all day...and I love it."

I don't quite get this one.

It says, uh, "I try to be good,
hard worker man,

"but 'refrigemator' so messy.

So, so messy."

Um...I think that one's probably
from Milos, the janitor.

BILL:
Oh, "refrigemator."

Oh, then that--

Then that one's legitimate.

Uh, "Who's the black
private d*ck

who's a sex machine
with all the chicks?"

ALL:
Shaft!

I thought
we'd all enjoy that.

[ALL LAUGH]

And, "Help. I'm being held
prisoner in a complaint box."

Which is actually kind of funny.

[ALL LAUGH]

DAVE:
Now, seriously, guys, I know--

I know it seems silly,
but the, uh--

The complaint box can serve
a useful purpose

if we don't abuse it with,
you know,

petty bitching and a bunch
of jokes, all right?

All right, so, um,
that's pretty much it.

So, thanks.
Meeting adjourned.

Listen, you guys, seriously.
Has anybody seen Mr. James?

BILL:
He's on a fishing trip.

No, no. I mean, have you seen
the box that Mr. James is in?

Let me see if I can explain
this to you, Beth.

Jimmy isn't actually in the box.

I know that, Bill. But we had
an argument, and he disappeared.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

What's he doing now?

Uh, John Travolta's
dancing around really funny.

Hey, wait a minute,
wait a minute.

You sure this isn't
Pulp Fiction?

No, this is the angel one,
with the wings?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, wait a minute.
He's dancing funny again.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Where's Mr. James?

Mr. Ja--?
Uh, he's fishing, Dave.

No, I-- That voice box thing.
I need to talk to him.

I lost him, Dave.

Hm?

Dave, he's just this
tiny little box,

somewhere out there
in that great big city!

Oh.
Well,

Don't worry. You know,
we'll get the coffee machine,

the printer,
and the fax machine,

and we'll form
a search party.

So then at the very end,

he and the old lady
dance off into heaven.

[LAUGHS]
Oh!

That's amazing. Now, you're
sure this wasn't Pulp Fiction?

Not really.

Well, we're here.

Oh, Mr. James!
You are back!

Hey, sweetie.
Hi.

Where have you been?

Beth and I have been
worried sick.

Oh, hi, Dave.
Oh, we went to a movie.

Hey, give Brian here
50 bucks for his time,

plus the price
of two tickets, would you?

Take it out of
petty cash.

Uh, actually, I--
I only paid for one ticket.

I snuck Jimmy in
under my coat.

Well then, you let me
pay for the popcorn.

[LAUGHS]
You had popcorn?

Dave, I don't think
you understand.

I'm not actually
in the box.

Dave, get to
the point.

Well, I was saying that when
one employee lodges a complaint

against another employee...

I'm on vacation!
...it's the responsibility--

If someone complained about me,
can't you give me my official

reprimand, or whatever the hell
it is, when I get back?

Well, sir, you see, the--
The problem is that this

particular complaint
was lodged, uh...

Was lodged against me.

Oh. I see.

And since I'm your superior,
I have to reprimand you.

Yeah.
Mm-hm.

All right,
well, this whole process

seems kind of stupid to me,
but my lawyers tell me

I gotta do it, so, sh**t.

All right.
What's the complaint?

Well, I-I was lecturing
the staff on not using

the complaint box for, you know,
petty moaning and bitching,

and, uh, apparently
someone complained

about my use
of the word "bitch."

Okay, this is actually
a very serious matter.

No, no. It really isn't.

I'm pretty sure
it was just a joke.

[SIGHS]
Dave, look at me.

Well--
Look at me.

Do I look like
I'm joking?

That word is on
a list of words

that my lawyers
have identified

as a class-three
pejorative.

Well, what does that mean?

That means I have
to report you

to my chief legal counsel
so we can resolve this.

Come on, this is ridiculous.

Hey, it's not me, Dave.
It's the lawyers.

Ah, but the lawyers
are a bunch of jackasses.

Oh, boy.

And while the B word,
as I call it,

is merely
a class-three pejorative,

your use
of the term "jackass,"

particularly
to describe

a member of
the legal community,

is something this company
cannot accept.

I-I didn't say that you,
specifically, were a jackass.

I-I-I just--

Please, Mr.--
Mr. Nelson.

What my client
means to say is that--

This is all
ridiculous anyway,

because I was the one who filed
the complaint about the B word,

and I was just joking--

Please,
Miss Miller.

What my client is
trying to express here--

JIMMY:
All right, everybody,

just shut up for a second!

This has gotten
completely out of control.

Why can't we just
all get along?

MAN:
Jimmy, please. Jimmy, please.

Uh, Mr. James
in no way

means to impede
the due course

of the regulations enacted
by the corporation--

Yeah, yeah.
Hey, hey, Roger?

You sound funny.

Yeah, I'm on
speakerphone, Jimmy.

Oh, yeah?

Me too! Where
the hell are you?

Well, to be
honest with you,

I'm fishing at that lake
I was telling you about.

JIMMY:
Nah! Get out!

No way. Me too!

Hey. Wait, now,
hang on for a second.

You're not in a yellow
cabin cruiser, are you?

Uh, yeah.

Turn to your left.

No. A little further.

Hey, Roger!

Well, I'll be
damned.

Hey, silly, have a seat.

I've had nightmares
like this.

JIMMY:
Would you quiet down?

I'm trying to talk
to Roger here.

Joe.

Joe!

Yeah. I'm getting
a good read on it.

It's a definite clicking.

[SIGHS]

Oh. It just stopped.

There it goes again.

Joe, this clicking,

does it sound anything
like plastic?

Yeah, but, like,
a clicky plastic.

Mm-hm.

Like, maybe, plastic clicking
against something,

like, say, the spokes
of a cheap,

slapped-together
reel to reel?

Could be.

Could be.
Mm-hmm.

And could this plastic be,
I don't know,

maybe a label with the words
"Garrelli 5000" on it?

Huh.

Why, the--
The Garrelli 4000

had the exact same defect.

Don't-- Don't!

Okay, we gotta
get outta here right now.

I'm serious.

[SNORING]

♪ Mr. James is so sleepy ♪

♪ Sleepy, baby,
Sleepy, sleepy ♪

He's a fuzzy-wuzzy, sleepy...

Attention, everybody!

Shh! Dave!
[MUMBLING]

Yeah, he's a fuzzy-wuzzy
sleepy guy.

After consultation
with Mr. James' lawyers,

we now have a new policy
concerning complaints.

Before a complaint
can be put into the box,

it must be filled out on one
of these forms in triplicate.

No carbons or photocopies
will be accepted.

Thank you
and good night.

I don't have time for this.

Champ, I gotta
take off.

Would you mind
finishing this for me?

No "problemo," dude.
Thank you.

Hey, wait, Bill. What is
this supposed to mean?

About, "Matthew always
spends too much time

filling out paperwork."

Oh, yeah, well, I'll show him.

Have a seat, sir.

Hey, watch--
Shh-shh-shh!

Just hang on.
Keep it down for a second.

Uh, all right, well...

Uh, when one employee
lodges a complaint--

[WHISPERS]
Dave, I'm serious!

I'm serious.
Shut up.

Sir, this isn't easy for me.

Yeah, well, I think
I see an alligator

about 10 yards away,

so it isn't exactly easy
for me either, is it?

Oh, uh...

Oh, yeah. th-th-that's
a gator all right.

Go on! Go get her!

All right, all right.

J-just stay cool.

I'm--
I'm trying to, sir.

I'm talking
to myself, Dave. Uh--

Oh. Oh, yeah. That gator
is swimming right towards me.

Listen, sir, maybe--
Maybe you should try to, uh--

[SCREAMS]

[FRANTIC SPLASHING]

Sir, are you okay?

Yeah,
that scared him off.

So where were we?
Post Reply