03x15 - Rose Bowl

[bunniefuu]

Hey, Dave.

What you doing?
Oh, just doing--

Huh, what's that?
Just itching to take a look

at some Hollywood
movie memorabilia?

No, actually, I'm
doing some editing.

Okay, okay, you win.
Memorabilia it is.

Well, thanks, sir.

You don't normally
give in so easily.

Yeah, well, you know,
I'm feeling generous

because I bought a whole box
of movie memorabilia

from a big collector.

Did you ever see
Ten Commandments?

Uh, just about once a year.
Oh yeah?

Well, all right.
Get ready. Are you ready?

Uh-huh.
All right.

The original stone tablet
Charlton Heston carried

in The Ten Commandments.

Wow, really.

I-- I thought it would be
bigger than that.

Yeah, I think they used some
special effects on them. Yeah?

Here's--
Here's the other one.

Yeah. Uh-huh.

Um...

We are talking about
The Ten Commandments

with Charlton Heston, aren't we?

Hell, I don't know.
I've never seen it.

Well, maybe, uh...

Maybe you heard of a little
movie called Sound of Music?

Well, who could forget it?
Yeah, well...

the original sword.

I don't recall a sword
in The Sound of Music.

Oh, well, let me
refresh your memory

with this little number.

[CLEARS THROAT]

[SINGS TO THE TUNE "HALLELUJAH"]
♪ Sound of Music Sound of Music ♪

♪ Music, music
Sound of music ♪

You remember that?

Okay, let's move on
to the next one. Mm-hm.

Maybe you boys remember
a little movie by the name of...

Citizen Kane.

Ah, one of my favorites.

Yeah. Well, you're gonna get
a big charge out of this.

Ta-da!

Hello.

Is that
for real?

That is the genuine
article, my friend.

Oh. "Rose Bowl"?

No, no, no.
It's like, uh...

[DEEPLY, ECHOING]
Rose Bowl.

[♪]

[HORNS HONKING]

Well, it's that time
of year again.

Time for the annual employee
performance evaluations.

What, already?

Mm-hm.
Yeah

Oh, God, I completely
forgot to suck up.

But, you know,

I'm a little tired of you all
getting angry with me each year

for making constructive
and objective criticisms.

We don't get angry
at you, Dave.

Oh, yes, you do.
For about a week after them

everyone just stares at me
with hate in their eyes.

That's not true.

And unfair.

I stare at you with hate
in my eyes year-round.

Point taken.

But this year I will not
be doing the evaluations.

Instead, you will each
evaluate a coworker.

Oh, good.
I'll start.

Bill, you're doing
an excellent job.

Matthew, no.

In private,
one-on-one.

Oh, okay. I'll
elaborate later

privately
one-on-one.

DAVE:
Great. Everyone just

put your name
on a slip of paper

and put it in
the hat, please. Okay.

Oh, whoever
picks me,

I hope they notice
that it is my hat.

Beth, would you
like to pick first?

Oh, okay.

[GIGGLES]

Okay.

Yay!

And if you pick
your own name,

you have to put it back

and choose again.
Darn.

Okay, fine, then--
Then what about this?

It's a Clark bar.

No, no, no.

It is the Clark bar.

From what?

From the film
"Looking For Mrs. Clark Bar."

Have you ever actually
been to a movie?

Well, what about this?

Basic Instinct?

No, no, that's--

That's not the right one.

Okay. That's it.

I am taking him to court.

Well, I guess if anybody's
got the legal team

to pull it off, you do.

No, my lawyers would
laugh me out of court.

No way I'm telling them
about this.

No, I will be
representing myself.

Well, I don't know.
You know what they say:

The man who represents himself
has a fool for a client.

Yeah, well...
who do you suggest?

Me.
Excellent.

Dave?
Mm-hm?

Why didn't you tell them?
Tell them what?

Well, tell them

that the new interpersonal
evaluations were my idea.

Uh, I didn't think it was
important whose idea it was.

But I'm the one who
read about it in Forbes

and the one that figured out
it would work here.

And I convinced Matthew that
we weren't just borrowing

his hat so that we could
wear it without permission.

So I think that I deserve
a little credit.

Yes, you do.

Good work, young lady.

Dave, now you're just
patronizing me.

And you're obsessing
over nothing.

Obsessing?
Obsessing?

I am not obsessing.
Obsessing-- Well, you're

saying the word
obsessing an awful lot.

Yeah, well, just because
you say obsessing a lot

doesn't mean that
you're obsessing.

I mean, obsessing is like
when you...

And if you go to prison,
burn yourself

with a cigarette,
so they think you're crazy.

Uh-huh.

Of course,
that can backfire.

Some men like
their b*tches crazy.

No. No, Dave, see...

me and Joe were talking
about the legal system.

See, I'm suing the guy

that ripped me off
for this stuff.

All right. When you're done,
Joe, I need--

I'm not gonna be done for
a while. I'm his lawyer.

Do you have any experience
in a court of law?

1987, Joe Garrelli is arrested
on a drunk and disorderly.

Case dismissed.

1989, again,
drunk and disorderly.

Case dismissed.

1994,

drunk and disorderly.

Case dismissed.

No, conviction.

Conviction later overturned
when new evidence showed

the defendant was not drunk,

but merely the world's
number one Rangers fan,

returning home

from the greatest
overtime win

in the history
of the universe.

That's my lawyer.

Jimmy's case is in the bag,
because we know something

the other side doesn't.

Mm-hm. What's that?

All federal, state
and local judges are members

of a certain sect
of the Freemasons.

Now, hold it,
hold it.

Our strategy is that
all judges are Masons?

Well, there's more to it
than that. Like what?

Well, there's a secret Masonic
word, which, when uttered,

obligates judges
to rule in your favor.

Then they have to go
paddle each other off

in a secret cave somewhere.

And what's that?

I could tell you,
but then I'd have to k*ll you.

Okay, but it
better be good.

Can't do it.

Yeah. Clearly you're
in good hands.

Counsel, good day.
Good day.

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

You're basing my whole case
on some silly secret word?

Mr. James--
Come on, Joe, give it up.

Tubalcain.

Tubalcain?
Shh.

Sorry.

Tubalcain? What the hell
does that mean?

I have no idea.

That's great, Joe,

but let's practice
my strategy, all right?

Hi.
Hello, Lisa.

This is Beth.

Beth will be doing
your evaluation today.

[LAUGHING]

Really?

Yes, does that amuse you?

Ha, yes, it does.

Huh. That's
interesting.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Okay, Beth, please,

proceed with your evaluation.

Uh, first of all,
I just want to say

that my overall evaluation
is very positive.

Lisa is very efficient

and dedicated to her work
as a reporter.

And, in general, I find
her office demeanor

to be quite professional.

DAVE:
Good. Good.

[SIGHS]

I--

I wish I could say
the same

about her personal
relationships.

What?

Let's just say that I do not
appreciate waiting for one hour,

in the rain,
on a Saturday night,

in front of a movie theater.

I called you.
Well, my machine isn't working.

Your machine was working, you
just don't know how to work it.

Really. You're telling me
that I don't--

Okay, I think we're getting
off topic here.

Why don't we stick
to an evaluation

of Lisa's
professional performance,

and save the rest
for the Ricki Lake show.

Good idea. Okay.

I find Lisa's communication
skills to be quite good.

She's a very fast typer,
and whatever you say

about her wardrobe,
at least she is punctual.

Wha-- My wardrobe?
I'm taking this from someone

whose outfit should be pulled
behind a shrimp boat?

Lisa dresses
like Nancy Drew.

Okay.

Does she have any
serious criticisms?

Yes.

[SIGHS]

In all seriousness,

I have noticed that sometimes
you tend to get...

kind of...obsessive

about getting credit
for your own ideas.

All right. Okay.

The interpersonal evaluations
were my idea,

you did not give me
credit for them,

and I am not obsessing.

What-- This has nothing
to do with me.

You obviously
told her to say that. I-- No.

Lisa, you're obsessing.

Oh.

Oh, okay. Lisa, Lisa.

Door.

Thank you.

[♪]

JUDGE:
Jimmy James v. Kyle Martin Enterprises, Inc.

Would Jimmy James please
approach the bench?

You are Jimmy James?

Yes.

And this would be
your counsel?

Yes, I am.

The master builder
awaits the pyramids.

I beg your pardon?

I bet you do.

Okay. And would the, uh,

defendant please
approach the bench.

Okay, this is the--
The guy that sold me the stuff.

Just-- Just stay cool,
because he's a real shark.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Hello, Kyle.

I've never seen
this dude before

in my life.

Yeah, right.

Bill, whose name
did you pick?

Before we begin,
I must applaud you

for making these evaluations

a more democratic,
egalitarian process.

Well, thank you, Bill.
Whose name did you pick?

Kudos to you, sir.
And kudos again.

Thanks again. Whose name
did you pick, Bill?

It's a wonderful time
to be alive, isn't it?

Oh, dear.

You got Catherine,
didn't you?

Now, this is gonna be
magnificent.

Oh...

Catherine?

Hello,
Catherine.

Oh, come on.

Is Catherine
okay,

or would you prefer
Ms. Duke?

[SIGHS]
Please, Bill,

just, uh,
get on with it.

Well, Catherine...

Your work here
in the last year has been--

How should I put it--
I don't know,

but I can sure tell you
where you should put it.

Your work here in the last year
has been exemplary.

"Exemplary?"

I'm sorry. "Exemplary"
is a word that means--

I know what it means.

Your consummate professionalism
on the air and off

is an inspiration to us all.

And for that reason,
we can forgive the fact

that you steal from petty cash.

I do not!

In addition, you brighten
our days with your warm smile,

your quick wit
and the hilarious doodles

you're always drawing

of what Dave
might look like naked.

[CATHERINE GASPS]

I don't do that.

You're the one that does
those sick drawings

and forces us to look at them.

In fact, I brought some of
your delightful sketches...

Oh!
...so that we can all enjoy them.

Okay, that's it!
I'm outta here.

Um-- Um-- What--
What are these supposed to be?

Male breasts.

I assume.

You'd have to ask
the artist herself about that.

See, I like to...

have my evaluations
over a nice lunch.

I think it makes things
more informal.

A little less scary
for everybody involved.

Okay, just do
the stupid evaluation.

Oh. Okay.

Well, before we begin, Beth,
how are we doing today?

Can you just do the stupid
evaluation? Y-Yeah.

Get get on with it, Matthew.
Okay.

"Beth...
Uh-huh.

"...communicates well
with her coworkers,

including WNYX's anchorman,
Bill McNeal."

In the five years
I have had

the good fortune
of knowing Bill,

who is just
the best employee

and the best friend
a guy could have...

What?

"Beth could improve
her job performance

"by paying
more attention to Bill,

helping Bill,"

uh, and
"being nicer to Bill."

What does that have to do
with me?

Um, I have some thoughts
about how you dress.

Okay. Go ahead.

I think you should dress
more like Bill.

Oh, my God.

Matthew, you're-- You're
supposed to be evaluating Beth.

Yeah. Yeah.

Um, on a scale of one,
being very poor,

to a million,
being Bill,

um, I give Beth an eight,
which is very good.

Very good.

Bill is a million,
and I am eight.

Yeah.
Ugh...

Hey, I only
get a six.

Ugh...

Actually, between me and you,

I get a six and a half.

Matthew...
Mm?

Bill is not a god.

Time will tell.

Mr. James, do you
recognize this item?

Yes, I do.

What is it?
Exhibit J.

Could you be
a little more specific?

Yeah, yeah. Ahem.

The defendant--

That kid right there.

--told me that was the actual
skull of George Lindsey.

You know, Goober, from
The Andy Griffith Show.

Uh, Your Honor,
this proves nothing.

Even if he could prove
that I sold him the skull,

which he can't,
he could not prove

that it does not belong to
George "Goober" Lindsey.

You raise a good point.

George "Goober" Lindsey
is not dead.

Is too.

I would like to call
to the stand

George "Goober" Lindsey.

Step right this way
please, Goober.

You can call me George.
[CHUCKLES]

Thank you.
Thank you.

JOE:
Mr. Lindsey...

is this your skull?

No.

No further questions,
Your Honor.

Thank you, Mr. Lindsey.
You're dismissed.

That's it?

Yes, sir.

Yes, sir.
You're excused.

Thank you.

[CLICKS TONGUE]

Counsel--
Ah, Mr. Lindsey...

i-if you wouldn't mind.

That really
is Goober.

Yeah.

Oh, thanks.
[LAUGHS]

Bye, Goob.

Bye.

[CLICKS]

[APPLAUSE]

Yeah?
Dave, what is so wrong

about wanting to get credit
for your ideas?

There's nothing
wrong with it,

as long as you don't
hang around

outside people's offices,
waiting to ambush them.

All right. I am hardly waiting
outside of your office

to ambush you.

And for the last time,
I am not...obsessing.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

[SIGHS]

Come in, Lisa.

[MAN IMITATING WOMAN]
Okay, lover.

[CHUCKLES]

Hi, chief.

Hi, Bill.

Where's my
inquisitor?

You're looking
at him.

You've gotta be kidding.

No, I-I'll be doing
your evaluation.

You're
joking.

Mm-mm.

Everyone else gets
evaluated by a peer,

and just by coincidence,
I end up staring

into the grinning maw
of Evil Otto himself?

Evil Otto?

Look, Bill, I know
that through most of the year,

we have sort of
an adversarial relationship,

but I'd like
to put that aside...

You're really enjoying this,
aren't you, you sick bastard?

...and say that you are really
very good at your job,

and I'm very happy
with your performance.

Please keep up the good work.

How come I'm
the only one

who gets dressed down
by the boss man?

Why me?!

Bill, it's not
a dressing-down.

I said you're doing a great job.

Keep up the good work.

This is your way
of letting me know

I'm on some kind
of probation here.

Message received,
my friend...

[ANGRILY]
loud and clear!

And Mr. James suggested
to give you a raise.

What do you think?
[DOOR SLAMS]

No? Well, it's your call.

Beth?!

Look, would you please
just drop it, all right?

Why can't you admit
that you were obsessed.

And you were obsessed with not
appearing to be obsessed,

which would be
a delightful conundrum

if it wasn't so maddening.

Well...no, no--
No, I really don't want

to hear anything more
about it.

Uh...Dave?
Mm-hm?

This is Lisa. She'll be
doing your evaluation.

Oh, sweet God.

There's really no reason
to be alarmed, Dave.

My evaluation is
really quite favorable.

All right.

Just do it and put me
out of my misery.

Ahem.

You're a great boss.

Mm-hm.

And a wonderful leader.
Uh-huh.

Um, actually, the only criticism
I have is a very small one--

That I tend to take credit
for other people's ideas?

Yes.

Well, as long as you're
in agreement about that,

I guess we're finished here.

Look, I-I'm sorry
I didn't tell the staff

that the new evaluation
system was your idea,

but as far as I can recall,
that is the only instance.

That's how
you want to play it...

December 9th of last year:

I suggest we rent Jean Renoir's
A Month in the Country.

Two weeks later,
you recommend it to Catherine,

without telling her
who exposed you to it.

All right, you're
just being vindictive.

Yes I am.
Get comfortable.

January 3rd: I persuaded you
to try portobello mushrooms

for the first time...

Well, judging from
the expressions on your faces,

I'm gonna assume that the new
employee evaluation system

is not exactly
a big hit.

[DAVE SIGHS]

So...you're all
staring at me

with hatred
in your eyes.

What a--

What a tremendous
surprise for me.

You know, that's really
too bad, because, uh...

You know, from my own tough,
but fair evaluation,

I-I learned something
about myself

that I think's
really gonna help me.

Hold it, Dave.

You barfed in the punch bowl
we all share,

[ANGRILY]
and now you expect us to believe it's alphabet soup?

What?

You know what
the jackass means, Evil Otto.

Well, moving right along,

um, it was-- It was pointed out
to me that I sometimes tend

to not give credit
where credit is due.

For example...

the idea of having you
evaluate each other,

that-- That wasn't my idea.

That was Lisa's.

Well, that's pretty much
all I had to say.

Thanks.
Meeting's over.

Oh--

[DOOR SHUTS]

Well, hey, at least--
At least we learned

a little bit
about ourselves, huh?

JIMMY:
And-- And-- And I have

since found out
that Yul Brynner

did not wear a wig...
Mr. James.

...in The King and I.

Enough, Mr. James.

You have successfully proven

that you have a large box
full of junk.

I applaud you.

Not since
The People v. Junkyard Jones

has a box full of junk

been quite so thoroughly
documented.

In fact, if I were
this young man,

I would countersue you
for reckless prosecution

and for defamation of character.

And for just generally

wasting everybody's time.

Do you have anything
to say in your defense?

Tubalcain.

I hereby find in favor

of the guy with
the box full of junk.

And I sentence
the kid to one month

in a juvenile
ward

for psychiatric
evaluation.

Court adjourned.

What? Heh.

Oh. Hey.

[CHUCKLES]

Beth...

LISA:
All right, everybody.

That's enough.

Come on, you're obviously
all mad at each other,

and you're mad at me.

And so I think it's time

that we just talk this out.

Okay?

All right, fine.

You leave me
no choice.

Plan B it is.

Ladies
and gentlemen...

nobody will leave
this office tonight

until we have...

a group hug.

[THINKING]
Group hug?

Hm. I bet this was
Dave's idea.

Lisa's always taking credit
for his ideas.

Oh, well.

Oh, I suppose this is
Lisa's way of insinuating

that I am not a team player.

What a bitch.

Well, I'll show her.

Whoa.

Three chicks
hugging each other.

I have got to get me
some of this action.

Oh. I knew it.

Underneath it all,
Bill's just a big old softy.

That makes me wanna
give him a big hug.

I just wish those other people
weren't involved.

MATTHEW:
Oh, well, you can't have everything.

Ah, pay the phone bill,
return the videos,

drop off my dry cleaning...

Hey, group hug.
Terrific.

I can't believe
this worked.

DAVE:
You are a remarkable woman.

I know.

But please stop
pinching my butt

in front of
all these people.

What?

I can't believe

Lisa's letting me
get away with this.

This is
the actual bird

from To k*ll
a Mockingbird.

How much?
Five bucks.

All right. And this--

Well, of course, you know
what this is.

Well, yeah, grits.

Yeah, yeah. It's, uh--

It's from that western, uh,
"True Grits."

How much?
Five bucks.

There you go.

Can I buy my skull?

It's ten bucks.

[CLICKS]
[CLICKS]

All right.

There you go.

Boy, heh.

[CLICKS]