03x17 - Airport

[bunniefuu]

Still no luck?

No. Nobody's
answering the phones.

I thought that was
what's-her-name's job,

the redhead.

Bill, we've only been gone
four days.

That's a little quick to start
forgetting people's names.

Four days marooned in the vast
cultureless wasteland

between New York
and Palm Springs

will do that to a man.

She's probably
on a conference call

with her psychic
and her therapist.

Does that work?

Obviously not.

I'm sorry.
Sir...

They don't allow smoking
inside the terminal.

Oh, it's for a medical
condition.

I'm under a lot of stress
right now.

There is a smoking area
just a few gates down.

I'd be happy
to show you where it is.

That's okay.

Say, do you fellas
need some help with the phone?

I'm sorry, we're on official
business here.

You see,
we're from New York City.

Maybe you've heard of it.
Bill, don't be rude.

Wow, New York City.

What brings you
to St. Louis, friend?

The prospect

of scintillating conversation

with colorful locals
like yourself.

Bill.

This isn't working.

Try Matthew's
direct extension.

It's 5-5-3-8.

Did you get a chance
to visit our Gateway Arch?

Well, we had a chance,

but there was a movie I'd
already seen about seven times

playing on pay-per-view

in the hotel,
so we decided to stay in.

Bill,
what is wrong with you?

He's just trying
to be friendly.

I know.

It's just that
four solid days

of relentless
Midwestern friendliness...

It just seems so...
unnatural.

[PHONE RINGS]

Hi, Mom.

DAVE:
No, this isn't your mom.

It's-- It's me, Dave.

What are you doing
at my Mom's house?

She's the only one
that has my direct line.

I'm not at your Mom's.

I'm at the airport
in St. Louis. We're snowed in.

Why did you take my Mom
to St. Louis? What's goin' on?

I'll explain that later.

What's--? What's the number
for, uh, Lisa's direct line?

Oh, hang on.
I'll transfer you over there.

No, don't transfer me.
Just give me the number.

Hold the line.
I'm transferring you.

No don't. No.

No. Don't--

And push "Hold."
Don't.

Push "Transfer."
Don't.

Push 5-5-4-9.
Don't.

And hang up.
Don--

Well, he cut me off.

What makes Matthew believe
that even the simplest tasks

are within his capabilities?

Why didn't you tell me
you had a cell phone?

Ssh.
What--?

I borrowed it
from my friend here.

Dave, this is what's-his-name.
Oh, hi.

Thanks for helping us out.

Say, you don't sound
like a New Yorker.

Oh, I'm originally
from just outside of Milwaukee.

Really?
Yeah.

I had a cousin who studied
cattle husbandry

at Wisconsin Agricultural.

Hey, who didn't?

[LAUGHS WEAKLY]

[LAUGHS LOUDLY]

You get through yet?

Ugh, sort of.

There are about 50 people
on the line,

but I think a "Madame Rosa"

agreed to pass
the message along to Beth.

Thanks, friend. Now, where is
that smoking lounge?

Follow me.
Right behind you, chief.

Bill, what makes you assume
that everyone from New York

is automatically smarter
than everyone from the Midwest?

Oh, come on, Dave.
You know it's true.

MAN [ON PA]:
Paging Matthew Brock's mother.

Will Matthew Brock's mother
please pick up

the white courtesy telephone?

The exception that proves
the rule.

[♪]

BETH:
Yes, Dave, I have everything written down.

Okay. Bye.

Okay, you guys...
A few quick notes.

All right.

Okay, Dave and Bill
are still stuck

in the airport in St. Louis.

Lisa, you get to be boss
for a few more hours.

Joe, you're to prepare a short
seminar for all office staff

on how to properly transfer
phone calls.

Oh, I can help you
with that if you want.

Okay, and, Matthew,
your mother is alive and well

and not in St. Louis...?

Oh, thank God.
I have to go

to go to Bill's apartment
and water his plants,

which might take a while,
because I have to do

four days worth of watering
all at once.

Now, wait.
There's nothing for me?

No, I don't think---
Oh, hang on. Silly me.

All the girls have to give
Mr. James a big kiss.

Well, that's more like it.
Mm!

Thank you.
Mm!

Thank you.
Mm-wah.

[SUCKING]

Thank you, Matthew.

You know, Bill, there's
nothing they can do

about the fact
that we're snowed in,

so why don't we just
sit down

and wait patiently.
Sorry, my friend,

I don't play that game.
[SIGHS]

Please,
don't make a scene.

We're not in New York.

We're not?

You're kidding?

Gee, and I almost mistook
the Museum of Yarn

for the Guggenheim.

Have you ever heard
the expression

that when life gives you lemons,
you should just make lemonade?

Hm?
Great. I knew it.

Four days in the Midwest
and you've already reverted

right back to what you were.

No, this is who I am, Bill.

I'm-- I'm a-a polite,
reasonable, friendly person.

You're like one of those trained
police att*ck-dogs

they set loose in the wild
and it goes all soft

and gets eaten by a deer
or something.

What?

Have you ever heard
the expression,

when life gives you lemons,
make lemonade

and then toss it in the face

of the person
who gave you the lemons

until they give you
the oranges you asked for

in the first place?

I just-- I wish you could
be here long enough

to get the full
Midwestern experience.

Maybe another time.

That would be great,

because I think
a good hunting accident

would really open up
your mind.

So, what time
does the movie start?

Uh, 7:15.

Oh, perfect.
Meet you out front at 7?

JOE: Sure. I'll see you then.
Okay.

Hey, Jimmy.
Joe.

Hi, Jimmy.
Hi, sweetie.

Oh, here. Here.
Have one of these.

Ooh, thanks.

It's cheese.
You're gonna love it.

[MURMURING]
That's delicious. Uh-huh.

[SPITS]

Hi.
Hi.

Um, I finished
that assignment sheet,

if you wanna take a look at it.

There's no time for that now.

Is there anyway we can get ahold
of Dave immediately?

I've been handling his stuff.
Why don't you run it by me.

No. I really need Dave
on this one.

Well, sir, I would enjoy
the opportunity

to at least give it a sh*t.

You would "enjoy
the opportunity"?

Are you kidding me? I think you
have the wrong idea about this.

You think it's fun
being the boss?

Yeah, actually for the past
couple of days,

I've been having
a really good time,

but I'm not in it
for the fun.

Yeah.
What is it?

[SIGHS]

What?

We on a stakeout?

I think it's a little late
for that now, don't you?

Wha--?
Would you just sit down?

I'll tell you what's goin' on.

All right.
Here it is:

Joe and Catherine...

are planning to go out
on a date.

They must be stopped.

Why?

'Cause I don't like
my employees

getting romantically involved.

Well,
what about me and Dave?

No, I said
romantically involved.

Tell you what...
Never mind. Just--

Dave got
his beeper on him?

Look, I can--
I can handle that, sir.

I can handle it,
even though it does seem

incredibly hypocritical
and not very logical...

I-I can do it.

I'm sorry. Heh.

I'm used to workin' with Dave.

See, he's got a--
He's got a true gift for R.L.P.

What?

Reconciling
logical paradoxes.

What does that mean?

I don't know. Somethin' Dave
keeps tellin' me about himself.

Okay.
Well, I'm on it.

All right.
Hey, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Here, have one of these.

See, uh,
Dave eats this all the time.

It'll help.

Thank you, sir.
Uh-huh.

Okay.

Okay. Come on, Robin. Oh...
Heh.

[FLIPS SWITCH,
SOUL MUSIC PLAYS ON STEREO]

[FLIPS SWITCH]

Oh, my God.

Bill is so cool.

All I'm saying is...

Interoffice dating
just isn't a good idea.

Are you kidding me?

We're just goin' to a movie.

It's not even a real date.
Huh?

I-I mean, I can't really explain
the logic behind it,

but, um, how can I put this...
It's-- It's-- It's just bad.

Oh, well,
look who's talking.

At least we don't make whoopee
in the booth like you and Dave.

Dave and I do not make whoopee
in the booth.

Whoa, hold on a sec.
Hold on. What's "the booth"?

How do ya--?
What're you talking--?

Oh, that booth.

Oh, I thought
it was a new thing.

[CHUCKLES]

Well, anyways,
Dave and I are different.

How?

Because we didn't, you know...

go on...dates to the movies.

No...

Because you two skipped
all that

and just jumped
right into the sack

before you even knew
each other's names.

I'm willing to give that a sh*t,
if that's more appropriate.

All right. Just forget
about it, you guys.

Forget about it.
We can talk about it later.

And we did so
know each other's names.

Last names?

That information
was irrelevant at the time.

Mm-hm.

You got a problem?

Look,
if you can't handle this,

why don't you get Dave
on the phone,

let him talk you
through this,

like when a stewardess
has to land a plane.

I'm not a stewardess.

Okay, flight attendant.
Whatever.

All right.
Look, Mr. James,

I know I am not Dave,

but I'm sure if you just
give me a chance,

you will be very satisfied
with my results.

Mm-hm.

We're all gonna die.

How can I help you
today, sir?

Good afternoon. You know,
my friend and I have been

frequent business flyers on your
airline for over 10 years now.

We've only been up and running
for six months, sir.

Don't try
to confuse the issue

with half-truths
and gorilla dust.

I have no idea
what that means either.

Well, the storm
has taken us all by surprise

and we're terribly sorry
for any inconvenience.

I don't think you realize
to whom you're speaking.

Well, I'm speaking with
Bill McNeal of WNYX, of course.

Wow.

Apparently, my reputation
precedes me.

No, it doesn't.

He's reading your nametag
from the convention.

Sir, if you could please
just step aside.

Oh, "Just step aside."
Is--? Is that your new motto?

No, but there's
really nothing I can do

about the 18 inches of snow
on the ground outside.

Well, what about the 36 inches
of B.S. inside?

Anything you can do
about that?

Sorry, again,

for the inconvenience,
Mr. McNeal.

And here are some pilot wings
for you.

And a pair for your son.
Compliments of the airline.

This is the life, huh?

No, this is not
the life, Bill. No.

You made a scene out there.
You embarrassed me.

You nearly reduced that
ticket-counter guy to tears.

And for what?

For this, my friend.
Salud.

And this
is just the beginning.

Really?
What's next?

You gonna kneecap
an old woman

for her cocktail peanuts?

No, my son.

Ouch.

Hm? You okay?

Ouch, I've been injured
by these pilot wings!

Do you need a doctor?

No, but I'm feeling
lightheaded.

Do you have a shrimp cocktail
on hand, perchance?

Did you guys ever stop
to think

about how this might look
to, you know...?

Who?
The people upstairs?

No. To the higher-ups.

Oh, great, now
the Trilateral Commission's

trying to keep me
from dating.

Wonderful.

Hey, kids.
CATHERINE: Hey, Jimmy,

do you have a problem with Joe
and I seeing a movie together?

Only if it's that one where
John Travolta plays an angel.

Boy, did that suck.

But it's cool
if we go out on a date?

JAMES:
Way cool. Yeah! Go ahead.

Knock yourselves out.

I want you to get out of here,
you lovebirds.

Well, that certainly clears
things up for us.

All right...

You have fun, now.

CATHERINE: All right.
Okay.

What happened here? You were
supposed to take care of this.

[SIGHS]

Even you have to admit...

It's kinda creepy.

What are you talking about?
It's functional.

Oh, come on.

Seriously.
Let's say you're lying in bed,

you decide you wanna
read a book,

what book you're gonna read?

How 'bout this one
right here? Oh.

Just get off the bed
before you break it.

Oh, I'm sorry.

You're so annoying.
God.

Oh, my goodness.

This bed is probably very...

therapeutic for Bill's...

You know, he's got
that lower-back problem.

Yeah, somehow I doubt
that's its primary purpose.

What are you talking about?

What else could this bed
be used for?

[SIGHS]

Never mind.

Beth.
[SIGHS]

What?

Did I ever tell you, you've got
really beautiful eyes?

[GRUNTS]

Oh, you're gettin'
a little bit frisky.

[CLANG]

Why didn't you back me up
with them?

Dave would never ask me
to back him up.

Okay, is this some kind
of weird test

to see if I can handle
being the boss?

No.

Wait a minute.
Is it?

No.

Wait a minute.

Dave would never ask me if this
is some kind of weird test.

Okay,
I am not Dave.

Dave wouldn't say that.

I can run the station,

but I'm not going to run it

exactly the way Dave does.

See, that's why it's probably
so hard for you.

No, It's hard for me
because...you're insane.

Dave wouldn't say that.

No, but he thinks it.

Really?
All the time.

[SIGHS]

I love that funny little guy.

Here we go, fellas.

Two prime cuts of Omaha beef,
with our compliments. Enjoy.

Thank you.
Thank you.

Just one more thing...
Ah, yes, sir?

I ordered French fries,
not frozen potato planks

placed in the general vicinity
of some warm grease.

Take these back
and fry them please.

Sorry, sir,
we'll get right on it.

[SIGHS]

These people think they can
buy me off with their niceness.

Cretins.

Bill, I don't understand.

What is it about
a friendly face

that makes you
so hostile?

I'm just cautious.

Experience has taught me

that every toothy grin

hides an extra row
of teeth.

Well, look, have--? Have you
ever heard this expression

that you can catch more flies
with honey

than you can with vinegar?

Have you ever heard
the expression

"Only a hillbilly
sits around figuring out

the best way to catch flies"?

All right, fine.

Look, just as
a concession to me,

and this strange land
in which you find yourself,

why don't you just try
to fake a little friendliness?

Fake friendliness...
Mm-hm.

I like it.
What a diabolical little plan.

I think we got it now.

Hey, this is perfect.

Can you do me
just one more favor?

Anything.
Give me your hand.

You, sir, are a credit
to your profession.

A towering figure
in the food-service pantheon.

That's...the nicest thing
anyone's ever said to me.

Well, you deserve it, sir.

Kudos to you.
And kudos again.

Hey, you know what...

I think there's an extra bottle
of champagne back there.

Would--? Would you fellas
like some of that?

Now, that would be just...
terrificky-whiffic.

Coming right up.

You've opened up
a whole new world to me.

[♪]

BETH:
Do you have the keys, Matthew?

Oh, where did I put them?

Let's just get going.

All right, Hugh, let's go.

Don't even think
about it.

Oh, let me just wear 'em
for a second.

What?

Please.
No.

Well, let's not leave right now.

This place is like a funhouse.
Come on.

Look at this.

[REMOTE BEEPS,
SOUL MUSIC PLAYS]

May I have this dance,
milady?

Let's not and say we did.

Oh, come on.

I would be honored to dance

with the most beautiful
princess

in the whole ball.

Matthew, you don't feel
"that way" about me.

Yeah, I-I-I-I do--
No, you don't.

It's just the apartment.

It's the mood lighting,
the rotating bed,

the body paint we found,
the erotic bidet, it's--

The what?

The funny fountain
in the bathroom.

Oh, the funny fountain.

Yeah.
Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Exactly.

Anything else, gentlemen?

Oh, no, no. That was--
That was really great.

Great doesn't begin
to describe it.

That meal, sir,
was an epiphany.

That means I liked it.
Bravo, garçon! Take a bow.

You're too kind.

Don't you think you're
laying it on a bit thick?

Laying what on?

The fake friendliness.

You're not gonna
believe this, Dave,

but I actually forgot
I was faking it.

You mean--?
Yes!

I was actually being
friendly to that guy,

and you know what else?

It felt pretty good.

You're drunk.

Well, sure, that helps,

but there's more to it
than that.

I feel...friendly.

Hey, welcome to the club.

Are you actually telling me this
is how you feel all the time?

Except when I'm around you,
yeah.

Mr. McNeal?
Yes, my good man?

Here's a drink for you,

compliments of the gentleman
at the bar.

He asked me to say
it was from a friend.

Well, tell him thanks.

Thanks, buddy, that was
mighty neighborly of you.

Well,
I'm from Missouri

and that's how
we do things here.

Hey, this is the fella
I was telling you about.

We've actually met.
You guys off duty?

Yeah. Is it true
what they say about you?

What's that?

Oh, it's true
all right, fellas.

Bill here is direct
from New...York...City.

ALL:
Wow.

You're really
from New York?

The Big Apple itself.

See, I told you
he was from New York. Wow.

Then he's probably never had
a Show-Me-State hello.

Oh, I don't know if it
would interest Bill.

It's got kind of kick,
you know.

Hey, as a visitor
to your little planet, I insist.

Give me the Show-Me-State hello.

You got it.

Now put your hands
over your head.

Right.
Now close your eyes.

[GRUNTS]

Hello.
Hello. Hello.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

You see, you've fallen
under the evil spell

of Bill's enchanted condo.

Do you understand
what I'm saying?

No. I think--
All right,

then let me explain it to you.

These things are all designed

to make you feel
the way you do right now.

Pff! Well, why would Bill want
an apartment that tricks people

into thinking
they love each other, huh?

Well, because Bill
is just a really-- What?

Let's just say
that Bill, um...

He needs people only to love him
for a short time,

and these things...
they just help him to do that.

No, I don't have
the faintest idea

what you're talking about.

I know.
That's what makes you so sweet.

So we got him drunk,

took his shoes
and his wallet,

dumped him in a ditch,

and drove his rental car
into a river.

As far as we know,
he's still walkin' back to L.A.

[LAUGHING]

Good times.
Good times.

You see, Dave,
you were right after all.

Under the skin,
we're all really the same.

Mm-hm.

Well, the brotherhood of man

has never seemed...
so repellent.

[LAUGHING]

Well, we should probably
wrap it up, Bill.

We have to get on the flight
in five minutes.

Relax, little guy.

Bill's got you all set up
in first class. You'll get on.

That's right.
Just sit tight

and have another drink,
Boy Scout.

That plane isn't
goin' anywhere

till I'm damn
good and ready!

[LAUGHING]

To Bill McNeal.

[IN UNISON]
To Bill!

If we wanna go on a date,
we're gonna go on a date.

Plus it's not even
really a date.

Hold on.
It's not?

Whatever it is,
it's no one's business but ours.

Don't tell me, tell the boss.

I'll be happy
to tell the boss,

when he gets back tomorrow.

When a man and a woman
go to a movie,

I consider that a date.

Call it whatever you want,

just don't let
Isa-Lay over there know.

That's it.

You, shut up.
You, shut up.

You, pay attention.

You and you are goin'
on a date to the movies.

As a matter of fact,
here's 50 bucks,

why don't you make it dinner.

And use these if necessary.

Wait a minute. I think these
won't be necessary.

Actually, I'm sort of
a stickler about safe sex.

Zip it.

Go. Enjoy yourselves.

There, you see?

See what?

Dave's job's a lot harder

than you think, isn't it?

Were you doin' this to teach me
one of your dumb-ass lessons?

Hey, excuse me, but this
particular "dumb-ass lesson,"

as you call it,
was a long time coming for you.

It's not so easy
being the boss, is it?

Well, you see, that's where
you're wrong, sir.

Because I am having
the time of my life.

So why don't you quit meddling,
get off my couch,

and drag your sorry ass
out of my office.

Can I remind you--
Now!

Yes, ma'am.

Excuse me, I...
forgot my balls.

Wait a minute. I got the key
from under the mat,

opened the door,
came in...

Hey, look! There's a whole box
under the bed marked "Toys."

[PHONE RINGS]
Wonderful.

[MACHINE BEEPS]

[ON SPEAKER]
Larry, it's Bill from down the hall.

I was wondering if you
could water the plants.

I asked the redhead
from work to do it,

but she's such
a basket case

she'll probably find a way
to botch the job.

Thanks a bunch.
You're the man.

[LINE CLICKS]
[GROANING]

Now, what would you do
with that?

Did I ever tell you
about my friend Larry,

lives down the hall
from me?

Brilliant man.

You'd never know, talking
to him, that he's actually

one of the busiest male
prostitutes in the biz.

Mm.

[♪]