03x18 - Twins

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "NewsRadio". Aired: March 21, 1995 –; May 4, 1999.*
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Showcases the hilarious antics of staffers at WNYX, the fictional No.2 news radio station serving New York.
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03x18 - Twins

Post by bunniefuu »

[♪]

[KNOCKS ON DESK]

Hi.

Yeah.

Jimmy?
No, no. Don't, uh--

Don't worry.
I can explain everything.

Go ahead.

Okay, just--
Just hold on a second.

Come on, guys.

There we go.

Mr. James--

Nope.
Not right now, Dave.

I'm very, very
busy removing stuff.

That's what I wanted
to ask you about.

Oh, okay.
sh**t.

Why are you
removing stuff?

Because we are way,
way over budget.

Huh? What?

Sir, how is Catherine supposed
to work without a desk?

Yeah?
Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave.

There is a saying,

"I cried
because I had no desk,

until I met a man
who had no feet."

Then the no-feet-guy
explained

there was such a thing
as a budget,

and WNYX was way,
way over it.

Uh, the end.
You ever hear that story?

Yeah,
I think I have.

That's from
the inspirational teachings

of Reverend Jim Jones,
right?

I don't know.

I'm not a very religious man,
but I do know...

that I don't wanna...

I don't wanna end
the fiscal year in the red,

so I brought my budget
specialist Robert, here,

to help make some--
Some cutbacks.

Robert. David.

Oh.

No, no, no.

I wanna keep him.

Oh.

Well, sir, I-- I thought
we had resolved

our budget crisis
months ago.

[LAUGHING]
Resolved it? Right.

I said that we--

We can't afford free
snacks for the staff.

You said:
Yes, we can.

I said, Christmas party,
we can't afford that.

You said:
Yes, we can.

I said big antenna thing
on top of the building, uh,

what the hell
is that for?

You said:

That's our transmitter.

Right. That's right.
That's right.

And then
you said, uh,

"Now, who gives
a damn what it is.

"Let's just, uh--
Let's just keep

spendin' money on it.
Wahoo!"

Oh, I have never
said "wahoo" in my life.

Yeah, but that's
what you meant.

I'll tell you what.
I'm gonna have Robert here

take a look at your
precious trans-whatever

and have him
find out what's so...

damned important
about it.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa. Jus-- Just--
Just put that down.

Oh, thank you,
sir.

You're welcome.

Okay,
go ahead.

I'm sorry, Catherine.

We'll just have to make do
with a card table for now.

Don't worry about it.
I'll try and tough it out.

Thanks.

It could be worse,
you guys.

I worked at a place once,
they had a...

[♪]

How are we supposed
to do our jobs?

They took away
my backup headphones.

And the goldenrod
copier paper

which is, like,
the only pretty color.

And my soldering
tools.

And my computer.

Why don't we
focus on the work

and not get too upset
by this, all right?

I did not get
into this business

to make photocopies
on plain white paper.

I just didn't.

Look, I promise...

I promise I'm gonna
do what I can,

but you have to give me
a little bit of time, all right?

I have something
I'd like to say.

Oh, Bill,
I'm quite sure you do.

But, you know,
I'm trying my hardest,

so if you could
just save it.

Believe it or not, Dave,
you're not Joseph Stalin

and this isn't
Elizabethan England.

I demand
my right to speak.

Fine.
Go ahead.

People,
what is WNYX?

A country club?
No.

We're a fighting unit.
Am I right?

Right.
Yes.

And what do fighting men
and women

do when they're
faced with adversity?

They fight.

No, they give in.

Especially when they're
hopelessly outmanned.

So they're carting
our equipment away.

So what?

The only equipment
this group needs

is a half-dozen number-twos
and a pair of golden throats.

[SNICKERS]

Number-twos.

I think
he means pencils.

Oh. Well,
I'm with you, Bill.

That's the spirit.

So let's all keep a stiff
upper lip and get behind Dave.

Well, thank you, Bill,

for that
uncharacteristically

well-reasoned...
outburst.

Um...
Uh, moving along.

Lisa's gonna
be home sick today,

so Catherine and I will
be splitting her duties.

Wow, last time I stayed
home from work sick,

I went out shopping in the rain
and I actually got sick.

[GIGGLES AND SNORTS]

Isn't that
a weird coincidence?

Yeah, life can be unfair
like that sometimes.

I know.
Tell me about it.

Yeah, well...
That's all I have.

MATTHEW:
Oh, I--

Uh, real quick.
I got a quickie.

DAVE:
What?

Well, my brother's coming
today, to visit, so...

Huh?

You got
a brother?

I thought you were
an only child.

We're twins.

So-- So it's like
we're an only child.

At least, that's what
my mom used to tell us.

Identical twins?
Yeah.

Oh, good Lord.

I'm sure we're all
looking forward to...

trying to wrap our
heads around this one.

But we should probably,
uh, get goin' because, uh,

they're eager to take
our chairs away.

Hey, Dave.

Mr. James...uh...

Did-- Did you have
something to do with this?

Oh, sure, sure.

Well, can you
tell me something?

Exactly how does, uh...

taking the glass out of my
window save us any money?

Well, it doesn't.

But if there's
glass in that window,

how are you
gonna hear Beth

when she says
you have a phone call?

Well, that's what
the office intercom is for--

Oh, dear God.

Thanks, fellas.
Thanks.

Beth, Catherine, Joe, this--

Well, this gentleman obviously
needs no introduction.

Who is he?

It's my twin brother,
Andrew.

Good-lookin' guy,
huh?

Stop...

Yeah.

Thank you.

Hey, these are
my co-workers, Andrew.

Did you have
a good flight?

Yes I did,
Matthew.

Wow.

What neat
co-workers you have.

ANDREW:
Yeah, they're nice. Um...

Welcome
to New York.

Oh. I've never
been here, uh, in...

[LAUGHING]
Oh, God, I'm...

MATTHEW:
I'm sorry. I'm--

It's me.
I'm Matthew.

That's Andrew.

Gotcha!

MATTHEW:
We pulled a little, uh,

switcherini on ya.

Wow.
Really.

Wow.
Wait.

Hang on a second.
Which one is...

which?
You're...?

Well...
Oh, yeah, yeah,

I've got it.

MATTHEW:
Oh, okay, okay.

Let me show you where
to put your bags.

Or are they my bags?

[♪]

CATHERINE:
Those two don't look anything alike.

Well, you know
what I think.

I think maybe one of them
got some more DNA, somehow.

That's not how DNA works.

Oh, how does it work?

Oh, Beth.
I thought you'd never ask.

Why'd you
have to do that?

DNA,
or deoxyribonucleic acid,

consists of two
amino acid-based strands--

Hey, fellas.

Hey.
Hey.

It's me!
Matthew.

Dude, you're not Matthew.

Yeah, obviously, but can you
just play along for his sake?

Uh, Andrew.

I couldn't
help noticing

that you really don't look
anything like Matthew.

No offense.

Why would I
be offended by that?

Come on, dude,
you guys are not twins.

Sure we are!

Me, Andrew,
Matthew, Matthew...

Okay, obviously
we're not twins.

But Matthew
doesn't know that.

What?

Matthew is adopted.

And my parents wanted to make
him feel part of the family,

so they told us
we were twins.

But they told you
the truth?

No, I figured it out.

Well, why don't
you tell him?

I promised my parents
I'd never tell him.

I keep hoping Matthew's
gonna figure it out.

You guys know
how Matthew is.

I mean, he's sort
of a little ret--

Hey...
Oh, there you are.

Hey.

I was lookin'
for you.

I was lookin' all
over for you...

you old scoundrel.

Um, I wanna show them
the thing we did

in the junior-high talent
show contest-- Yeah, yeah.

Don't go there,
dude.

Third place.
Don't be embarrassed.

You're gonna love it.
They're gonna love it.

Watch this.
I just met these people.

Five, six,
seven, eight.

BOTH:
♪ Wake up and brush your teeth ♪

♪ Look in the mirror ♪

♪ Is it me? ♪

And do the special bow.

Oh, that was great!

Thank you.
Let's go show Bill.

Oh, we're gonna show Bill.

He's gonna love it.
That is great.

That's the saddest thing
I've ever heard.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Busy.

So, what are you planning to say
to Jimmy about the budget cuts?

Well, I figured I'd--

I wouldn't go that way.
I say we just tough it out.

Bill, correct me if I'm wrong,
but the last time Mr. James

tried to cut the fat
around here,

you said, and I quote,

"I will drink water
from the toilet like a dog

before I pay for my own sodas."

My essential position
is the same.

No, in fact,
it's the exact opposite.

Yes, but opposites attract,
don't they?

Think about it.

Well--

MR. JAMES:
Morning, Sam.

Morning, Ralph.

I love that joke.
You wanted to see me?

Yes, sir, I did.

All right.

Now...I've been going over
these figures you gave me

and, uh, seems to me
the thing

that's putting us
way over budget is this here,

this "confidential
expenditures."

Now, what is that?

I can't tell you.
It's confidential.

What is it?

Is this some sort
of a slush fund for you?

No!
No. Is it money that's actually spent

on another one
of your companies? No.

No. So it's spent
on the station?

Uh-huh, all right.
Uh...for a piece of equipment?

No.

For an employee?

I see, okay.

Let me think,
let me think...

Um...
Follow the money.

I am.

I am. Uh...

Okay, did somebody--?

Did somebody renegotiate
their contract,

get a huge raise,

then have a confidentiality
clause put in

so that no one would
know what they are earning

and that's why
we're way over budget?

I see.
Okay.

Okay, okay.
Dave, Dave,

I would love to help you out,
but if I reveal

any of the details of the
confidential negotiations,

I'm gonna have to pay this
particular person an extra 7000.

Mm-hm.
That's all right.

I think I have all
the information that I need.

It's Bill.
I know.

I wasn't supposed to tell.

Did you just cost us
another seven grand?

Oh!

[♪]

They literally took the shirt
right off my back.

No, they didn't.

Okay, they didn't.

But this is a silent protest.

No, it's not.

You just want Catherine to see
you without your shirt on.

At least I'm tryin' somethin'.

Oh, God.
Well, it's not working.

Right, Catherine?

What?

Yeah, the budget cutting
must stop!

People, please.

Budget cuts
are a fact of life.

If Jimmy tells us
to tighten our belts,

well, I just say,
"How tight?"

Oh, do you, now?

Yes, I do. I say, "Cinch it
up nice and snug, sir.

I can take it."

Really?
You're damn right.

Why, back in the early days
of radio,

all they had were jungle drums
b*ating the rhythmic message

of traffic and weather
from village to village.

But did they complain?

Hell no.
Do you hear me complaining?

Hell no, because you got
a massive secret raise

that caused all these problems
in the first place.

Exactly. No!
What?

What?

You mean that
Mr. James

is taking all
of our office furniture

so that he can
give Bill more money?

DAVE:
Uh-huh.

That is completely
bogus.

And you, sir, are
completely bogus as well.

It's only money,
people.

So one of us makes
a tad more of it than the rest.

So what?

Oh, hold up.
Can you define "tad"?

Two, maybe three times
as much as others.

Four, tops.

Sixteen.

Oh, my God!

You get 16 times
what I get?

Yes, but it's really
not that much.

What are you
talking about?

Well, you make
virtually nothing,

so 16 times
virtually nothing

is...

[♪]

Come on, you guys.

Years from now,
when we're all making 16 times

what Beth makes, we'll look back
on this and laugh.

Won't we? Yes,
of course we will.

Oh, what merry times
those will be.

Hey, guys.

Hey, there.

Matthew, right?

Yeah.
Yeah.

I'm thinkin' these might help
clear up the confusion

that's in the air.
Mm-hm.

Yeah, unless we get
all mischievous

and switch 'em up on ya.
Right, bro?

Oh, my God, I didn't even
think about that.

Put it
right up here, bro.

You know, Matthew,

maybe it's just me, Matthew,

but, uh, you and Andrew,
you don't--

You don't really
look that much alike.

BETH:
Yes, they do.

What do you--?
What do you mean?

You're handsomer.

You guys
are completely identical,

but somehow,
you're more handsome.

It really
is a remarkable resemblance.

No, it isn't.

Yes, it is.

No, in fact, it looks to me
like they're not really twins.

That Matthew's adopted
and his parents,

who aren't actually
related to him in any way,

were too chicken
to tell him the truth.

You told him, didn't you?

I didn't tell him nothin'.

It was a lucky guess.

Yeah, right. Lucky guess.

Lucky for me.
Apparently not lucky for him.

Did you hear that?

They just--
They just said

we're not really twins.

They--
They said what?

They said that
we're not really twins,

and that I was adopted.

That's crazy, right?

Uh...

I don't know
how to tell you this, bro,

but, um...

remember that time where we
tested as different blood types?

And, um...I told you
it was 'cause

I got the test in advance?

What?

What, you--?
You didn't?

Dude, we're still brothers,

it's just that
we're not actually twins...

and biologically speaking,

we're not actually
brothers either.

Oh, come on,
we look so much alike.

No, we don't.

I'm three inches
shorter than you are.

You have blonde hair,
I have brown hair.

You have blue eyes,
I have green eyes.

I can grow a beard.

I'm Jewish.

How old are you?

Twenty-eight.

And how old am I?

Twenty-nine.

Well, I-I thought you--
You came out first.

I didn't have the heart
to tell you, man.

I just thought
you'd figure it out on your--

Can't. Move.

That poor, dumb...

dumb...dumb...dumb...
dumb guy.

[♪]

DAVE:
Well, you've really outdone yourself today, Bill.

You've alienated
the entire staff,

nearly stripped the office bare,

and you've broken
poor Matthew's heart.

You think I'm proud
of myself?

Everyone hates me now.

And not like before when they
all sort of hated me, either.

This is the real stuff.

In the first place, why would
you ask for a raise so big

it would cr*pple the station?

Greed.

All right, and what
has that greed gotten you?

Money.

And what can that money
ultimately buy?

Happiness, but stop
trying to cheer me up.

Please, I need your help.

I will do literally anything

to patch things up
with the staff.

There's really only
one thing you can do. What?

Give back the money so we
can run the station properly.

[LAUGHING]
Yeah, right!

Seriously.

I will do literally anything.

Then give back the money.

Right.
If you think of anything,

I'll be right out here.

Anything at all.

So, what's everyone doing
at quittin' time?

You suck.

Beth?

You suck.

Okay. I suck.

Speakin' of which, why don't
we suck down some drinks?

On me, of course.
How 'bout it?

Shut your pie hole,
jackass.

Good night.

Maybe some other time.

CATHERINE:
You suck!

So how you
holdin' up?

Fine.

Everyone hates me,
but fine.

Oh, I--
I don't hate you.

Well, thank heaven
for small miracles.

Hey, where's Andrew?

Oh, he's comin' up.

He's gonna-- We're gonna
go out to dinner.

This has been a tough day
for you, too, hasn't it?

Tougher than you know.

At least
you got your brother

to help you through this.

Even though he's not
technically your brother.

You know what I'm saying.

Actually, I'm... I'm...
It's better for me this way,

that it's all out in the open.

Right, because now you can
go find your real parents.

You know,
the ones who decided

they didn't want you
for some reason.

Bill, come on.
Don't be an idiot.

I'm not the one
that's adopted.

Okay?

Andrew's the one
that's adopted.

No way.

Way.

I've just been pretending
to be twins

all these years
so that he wouldn't be upset.

If-- If Andrew knew he was
adopted it would just--

It would crush him.

Hold on.

How can you be sure
he's the one who's adopted?

Get real, Bill.

What do you think
I am, stupid?

Here.

Picture.

That's my parents
right there.

You tell me.

Whoa.

I guess you can be sure.

Tell no one.

Does your mother
always wear a tie?

That's my dad.

Hey, bro.
Ready to get some dinner?

Here you are.
Let's go.

You know,
Andrew...

your brother's
one hell of a guy.

Yeah, I know.

Why his real parents
didn't want him...

I'll never know.

Well, they probably
just didn't love me.

No biggie.
Let's go.

Ow, ow,
ow, ow, ow!

Mom!

[♪]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

We're busy.

Well, speak of the devil.

All right, I've had
a bit of a change of heart,

and I wanna give
the money back.

Really, Bill?
I'm very impressed.

You're a bigger man than I am,
Gunga Din.

There you go.

What, 200 bucks?
That's all?

Well, I can't give back
all the money.

Seriously, if you have
any ideas...

Well, you know, it doesn't
really matter, Bill.

I think we've come up
with a solution.

Yeah, tell him,
Robert.

What we could do--
See, according to Robert,

we can write off
your extra salary

as a second job
in another division

that's running a budget surplus.

What does that mean?

Tell him, Robert.

If we were to--
See, what Robert means is,

is if we give you a fake job,
you know, like say...

creative consultant to our
executive pool supervisor,

we could write off
your raise on a technicality.

And that'll work?

Oh, yeah, if it works for you,
it works for us.

Well, it works for me.
Let's do it.

Alrighty.

Great, Bill. See, I knew
we could solve this.

Nice doing business
with you, gentlemen.

Say, Dave, why don't you come on
out to the house this weekend?

Oh, sir, that would be
my very great pleasure.

Can I come?

Oh, sure.
Yes, of course.

[♪]

You're really making me
go through with this?

JIMMY:
Well, I gotta get my money's worth, Bill.

But I thought
this was a made-up job.

A technicality.

Well, technically,
that was a lie.

He missed a leaf
over there.

You missed a leaf
over there.

Watch this.

Ha-ha!

Attaboy.

Good dog.

This is livin'.

Yeah, ain't that so.

Hey, hey, look, uh...

Ha-ha!
Attababy!

Hey, wait. What--?
Where's the guys?

[HORN HONKS]

JOE:
Hey, where's the beer?

Hey!

Hey ya!

All right, Bill,
you can take a break.

Thanks, Jim.

And go inside and whip up
some snacks for the guests.

That's where
I draw the line.

Read your contract.

[WATER SPLASHES]

[♪]

Good dog.

Dave, the accountant
on line one.

Tell him I'm busy.

Okay.

I'm just gonna go downstairs
for a while, okay?

Fine.

I'm going downstairs.

I think I said that was fine.

Dave, you have to look.
Why?

Beth, I-I've seen that one,
thanks.

Seen what, Dave?

Takin' the escalator, Joe?

JOE:
Yup.

Beth?

I can't hear you, Dave,
I'm downstairs.

Very amusing, Beth.
Now get back to work.

Whatever you say, Dave.
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