03x20 - Our Fiftieth Episode

[bunniefuu]

[♪]

[SIREN CHIRPS]

[POLICE RADIO CHATTER]

[YELLING INDISTINCTLY]

[SIRENS WAILING]

[♪]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Yes?

Dave?
Yes, Catherine?

I didn't want to say anything
in front of everybody, but...

Bill might not be coming in
today at all.

Oh, why not?

Well, he got a parking ticket
this morning,

and I guess he got
into an argument

with the meter maid, and well...

he got arrested.

For arguing
with a meter maid?

No. For resisting arrest.

What were they arresting him for
that he could be resisting?

This isn't some sort
of brain teaser, okay?

Bill really got arrested.

All right, let's go
bail him out.

Well, that might be tough.
Hm?

Apparently, when he got down
to the police station,

he kept on arguing
and arguing and arguing--

And they sh*t him.

Dave, this is serious.

Apparently, when someone
who's been arrested

is noncooperative
or hostile,

it's standard procedure
to give them

a routine
psychiatric evaluation.

Oh, no.
Oh, yes.

Bill has been committed
to a psychiatric hospital

for observation.

Ha!

[CLEARS THROAT]

[♪]

[PEACEFUL MUSIC PLAYING SOFTLY]

How are we doing today,
Mr. McNeal?

I'm fine.
Really?

You don't look fine.

What's going on
in...there?

If I tried to explain,
you wouldn't believe me.

And then you'd make a few notes
on your clipboard,

and then you'd go type them up
and use them

as further proof that I'm crazy,
which I'm not.

I see.

Like that. Thank you.

Mr. McNeal...

Uh, er, may I call you
"Mike"?

No, because
my name is Bill.

That's not what it
says here, Mike.

Bill.

And I'm not crazy.

No one here is "crazy."

What about that guy
over there

making out
with the light switch?

Well, okay, he's crazy.

But come on, now.

Who amongst us has never
had the urge to make out...

with a light switch?

[CHUCKLES]

Hi, can you excuse us,
please?

I'm in the middle
of an evaluation.

Fred, give me the coat
and the clipboard.

Oh, you know what? Fine.
Just trying to help.

You steal these outta
the doctors' cloakroom again,

I'm gonna have to revoke
your TV privileges.

[SARCASTICALLY]
Oh, ouch.

Cigarette?

Yes, please.

I wasn't offering
you one.

Then why did you say
"cigarette"?

I was talking
to the cigarette.

Now, if you'll
excuse us, please.

Cigarette...

prepare to be smoked.

Oh, I see.

You're crazy.

Yes.

But I prefer the term...

"crazy."

May I have a cigarette,
please?

Garçon!

Cigarette for the good man,
if you'd be so kind.

Name?
Bill McNeal.

Name?

Bill McNeal!

Name?

Mike.

There you go, Mike.

Don't be afraid, Mike.

Fire good.

My name is not Mike.

Someone obviously typed it up
wrong on some paperwork, so--

I know, I know.

My name isn't Fred,
either.

But it's just easier
to play their game.

Hey, if you'd like, I--
I could call you "Bill."

Thank you.
You're welcome.

So, what's your real name?

Ulysses S. Grant,

18th president
of the United States.

You're not the 18th president
of the United States.

Obviously!

That's just my name,
not my job.

What, are you nuts?

No offense.

Huh?

Yeah, well,
what about older women?

What's their opinion?

Mr. James?
Yeah, yeah.

Uh-huh.
Thank you.

Yeah, no, no, just--
All right.

Just-- Just hold on
a second. What, uh...?

What do we do on
The Real Deal with Bill McNeal?

I gonna fill in till Bill
gets back. We're fine.

That's not what my
audience-research people say.

What audience-research people?

These audience-research people.

See, now, the common man
wants to hear you do a show

with a-- Ahem. A cohost.

That's fine. I have no problem
cohosting a show with Catherine.

No, no, no. Common man wants
to hear you do a show with Joe.

[LAUGHS]

You want me to do a serious,
issue-oriented show with Joe?

Yeah. Unless, of course,

you'd rather have Joe do it
with Catherine.

Fine.
Good, good.

Thanks, Lisa.

Huh? Yeah. No--
Wait, she's gone. Yeah.

Okay. Talk to me,
talk to me.

Now, what--?

[WATER TRICKLING]

What, uh...?

What--? What do the real people
think about my idea?

BETH:
Sir, I'm afraid the data is still inconclusive.

I'm gonna have to do
a little more snooping around.

Ah, sh**t. You poor thing.
Where are you now?

Well, like you suggested,

I've infiltrated a midtown
business establishment

to gauge their listening tastes.

I know this is hard,

but I need for you to stay out
in the field

until I get this show fixed.
Okay,

but this type of research
could get kind of expensive.

Hell, that's why I gave you
the corporate credit card.

Now, you just do whatever
it takes to get me that info.

Whatever it takes. Ten-four.

Is the Swedish massage here
administered by an actual Swede?

Oh, Mr. McNeal.
Interesting case.

Very troubled.

No, no.
He really isn't. No.

There's been some sort
of a misunderstanding.

You see, Bill isn't
actually crazy.

Oh, no, I'm afraid
he's quite crazy.

We work with Bill.
We know him very well.

Well, then you will have noticed
that Mr. McNeal

is a textbook
paranoid psychotic.

He has difficulty forming

emotional relationships
with others.

Well, that may be so, but--
He exhibits

irrational hostility
that often manifests itself

in manipulative behavior.
True. But, but--

He thinks that none
of his friends like him.

Well, you know, sometimes
he makes it hard, but--

And his feelings about
his parents are...

unusual, at best.

But you don't understand Bill
the way we do.

Ah, which brings me
to my next point.

Ever since Bill came here,

he's been calling
himself "Mike."

Could be delusional.

Sure, Bill has his problems.
We-- We all do.

But I've been working with him
for nearly three years now,

and he's one of the most capable
and-- And reasonable and...

rational people I've ever--
I've ever met.

You're doing him a great--
Disservice.

Disservice
by keeping him here.

Well, you may be right,
but only time will tell.

CATHERINE: Can we talk to him?
Oh, I'm afraid not.

No visitors
for the first 24 hours.

Oh, look,
this is outrageous.

Sorry you feel that way,
Mr. Nelson,

but we will keep you updated
as to his condition,

and, uh...you can always
see him tomorrow.

Mr. Nelson.

Mr. Nelson.
Hm?

This is not the ape cage
at the zoo.

Please, don't rile up
the patients.

Sorry.

Thank you, Mr. Nelson.
See what you've started?

Sorry again.

LISA:
Bill McNeal is out sick today.

Joe and I will be
discussing the problems

of New York City schools.

There's a lot of room
for improvement.

Wrong!

Our New York City
public school system

is the best in the world.
End of story.

Well...then maybe
you can explain

why a prominent board member
recently declared

the city schools a disaster.

Easy. Because he is dumb,
and I am smart.

Well...the dropout rate
is up 12 percent.

City SAT scores are down
9 percent. [TSKING]

You're making that up.
No, I'm not.

I'm reading it from this report
from the secretary of education.

That's a cup of coffee.

Ladies and gentlemen,
she is holding a cup of coffee

and pretending
it's a government report.

LISA:
No, I'm not.

Yes, you are.
And what the report really says

is that one year
in a New York City public school

is equivalent to five years
at the Sore-bone

or whatever that
famous French school is.

No, it doesn't.
You know what, Lisa?

If you had went
to New York City public schools,

maybe you wouldn't have
the self-esteem problem

that allowed you to balloon up
to 300 pounds.

I am not 300 pounds!

250, whatever.
We'll be right back.

Look, to be completely honest
with you, I agree.

The schools suck.

Joe, you can't just
make stuff up.

I'm not.
My on-air persona is.

Well, tell him to knock it off.

I can't. He's crazy.

So, what does Johnny Lunchpail
think of our new direction?

Oh, well,
so far, sir,

my research is pretty
inconclusive.

Well, people say
they like the show?

You know, I can't
really be sure yet.

I think this is the kind
of problem you have to...

you know,
throw more money at.

Okay, then. Do it to it.

Okay, ten-four,
Mr. James.

Ah, th--

Oh. Ew.

I think you're
gonna k*ll me,

but can we go back
to the other way?

The second one we tried?
I think it was the third.

It had like a--
More of a Southern...

[♪]

[DOOR CLANGS SHUT,
KEYS JANGLE]

And then what happened?

I told you already.

Tell me again.

I just wanna go
to sleep.

Look, it's your fault

my television privileges
got revoked.

I wasn't the one
who ordered you

to pretend
to be a doctor.

No, but you do sound
just like the guy

inside my head.

So tell me again.

Fine. Where was I?

Oh, yes.

So then Urkel decided
to send the Urkelbot

to the job interview
instead of going himself.

Why?

I don't know why.

I guess because it would
allow a mix-up to occur

that we, the viewer,
would find amusing.

Was it amusing?

Not really.

Then I must
ask you again:

Why did he send
the Urkelbot?

Because he didn't think he was
good enough to get the job.

But when the Urkelbot
broke down

and Urkel had
to explain himself,

the man was so impressed
with his honesty

that he got the job.

The end.

That was beautiful, Mike.
Right, fellas?

[APPLAUSE]

Thank you.
You're too kind.

MAN:
Hey, quiet down in there, guys.

Psst.

What do you say
we get out of here?

I'd love to, Fred, but I don't
really think that's an option.

Think again.

See that window up there?

A tall guy
like yourself,

with the guidance of a brilliant
mastermind like myself,

could jimmy the latch,

and we could be outside
within minutes.

[SIGHS]

I think it would be better
if we just went to sleep.

Yeah, okay.
You're probably right.

You need to rest up.

Day two is usually
when they start

the electroshock
treatment.

[LAUGHS]

I told you it would work!

Shhh.

Oh.

Aren't the stars beautiful?

Yes. Very.

Now, which way
do we go?

What do you mean?

I said we could
get outside.

And here we are.
Outside.

But I thought we were
going to escape!

Oh, you've seen
too many movies.

Okay.

Then how do
we get back inside?

Simple, my friend.

We simply scream and scream

until the orderlies
bring us a ladder.

But that can wait.

Wonderful.

Cigarette?

No, thanks.

Again, I wasn't
talking to you.

Cigarette...

prepare to pleasure me.

All right. Well, this all
appears to be in order.

I'll just need your signatures
here and here,

and I'll need Mr. McNeal's
signature right there.

Okay.
Thank you.

I'll be right back.

Good morning, old friends.

You okay, honey?

Never better, my sweet.

What brings you two here?

Well, Bill,
it looks like

we've been able to work
this thing out legally.

They'll release you
into our custody,

so long as you sign
these papers agreeing

that you won't sue anyone
for their horrible mistake.

I'm not signing these.

Bill, you have nothing
to gain by suing anyone.

No, no, no, no.
Just--

I'm not signing these
because I'm not leaving.

I happen to like it here.

Are you on some kind
of medication?

No, I'm not.

But I'll tell you
what I'm high on.

Freedom.

Bill, you're locked up
in a mental institution.

And I've never felt freer.

You know all those maddening
little decisions

that torment you all day long?

Here, someone else makes
all the decisions for you.

And you like that?
I love it!

No more wasting precious time
trying to decide

eat now or eat later,
eat more or eat less.

And then, of course,
there's the camaraderie.

Bill?

Bill, these people
are insane.

Oh, really?

Then why did they elect me
prime minister of Ward 15

this morning?

Exactly how long do you
plan on staying here?

I don't know.

A week. Maybe two.

I have some vacation days
saved up.

Bill...

[BELL RINGS]

Ah.

That can mean only one thing:

10:47.

Snack time.

Give my regards to everyone
at the office,

and tell Beth I--
Prime Minister Mike?

What are you waiting for?
It's snack time.

What are they serving?
Snacks!

Excellent.

Lead the way,
my good man!

Bill, come on.

You cannot vacation
in a mental ward.

It's just not done.

Don't be naive.

That's what I'm doing.

BILL:
See?

I'm not alone.

It's true.

See, I have
a very stressful job.

All day long, it's just
decisions, decisions, decisions.

So I come here
to get away from it all.

Well, what do you do?

I'm an air traffic
controller.

Really?

Oh, yes.

You see, I hardly get
any vacation days from my job,

so every six months or so,

I flip out, and I put my fist
through a radar screen,

and then they send me here.

He means he pretends
to flip out.

No, I--
I actually flip out.

At least half the guys here
are running the same scam.

We've got a heart surgeon,
a guy who designs bridges,

a member of a SWAT team.
Oh, we've even got a CEO of

a very successful intergalactic
spice-mining corporation.

Perhaps you've heard of him.

Gorzon the Merciless.

Actually, I think
that guy's really crazy.

Yeah. Crazy like a fox.

Look who's eatin'
all the snacks.

Let's go!

Dave?
Huh?

Come on, let's go.
Oh, sorry.

I was just thinking how--

How great it would be

to never have to make
any more decisions.

Heh. Like Lisa ever lets you
make any decisions.

Mr. James,
can you please tell Joe

that the fake fighting
isn't working?

Already did it.
In fact,

I told him to go
exactly the opposite way.

Which way is that?

You'll see.
What? [SIGHS]

I don't wanna do this.

JIMMY: Come on.
Do what?

Hello. Welcome to The Real Deal
with Lisa Miller

and Joe Garrelli.

Today we hope to have
a frank discussion

about the changing role
of welfare in the city

and in our nation
as a whole--

Uh, Lisa,
if I can interrupt--?

No, Joe, you may not.

And in our nation
as a whole--

Please. It's, uh,
very important.

What is it?

Lisa, we've worked together
for some time,

and I know you as a competent
and attractive young reporter.

And in the past few years,

this fond respect
has blossomed into love.

What?

I can keep silent no longer.

I am on bended knee,

asking for your heavy hand
in marriage.

Live, on the air,
where our love first grew

during the all-important
drivetime period.

Only on WNYX.

Lisa...

will you marry me?

[CLEARS THROAT]

This concludes today's broadcast

of The Real Deal
with Bill McNeal.

The show will return
when its regular host,

Bill McNeal,
returns from vacation.

Now stay tuned
for a commercial break

and 28 minutes of dead air.

This is horrible.

I know.

Will she say yes?
Will she say no?

Is she pregnant
with the traffic guy's child,

and she's trying to protect
the inheritance?

I leave for two days,

and they stoop to this kind
of sensationalistic crap?

I hate this. It's horrible.
I hate cliffhangers.

What time do we tune in
tomorrow?

No, that's it.
I want out of here.

Hello!

I want out of here!

I'm ready to sign those papers!

Me too! I want out!

I want out,
and I want papers!

I want papers and a private jet
after I get out.

Yeah, we're gonna need
the fire hose over here

in Ward 15.

[ALL CLAMORING]

[♪]

No, Beth, I'm calling it off.

Bill should be back
to work tomorrow,

so, uh, come on back.

But, sir, I'm digging up
some really great information.

If you could give me
more time--

It's over. Forget it.

Damn!

It's not that big a deal,
all right?

I'll see you in
about 15 minutes.

Oh, it's gonna take me
a while to get back.

Whatever.
I'll see you when I see you.

Ten-four. I'm gonna need
to charter a helicopter

back to Manhattan, so you can--
Thank you so much.

Put that right on my card.
Thanks.

Hey, uh, don't you wanna change
into your regular clothes first?

From now on, these just might be
my regular clothes.

I'm not doing the news
with a man in shabby pajamas.

Hey, these aren't shabby.

And they weren't cheap.
I paid 15 cigarettes for these.

Fine. Let's go.

You guys go on ahead.
I need to...

say goodbye.

All right.

Where you going, Mike?

I'd love to stay, but...

well, without
my constant supervision,

the real world goes
to hell in a hand basket.

It's tough
being prime minister.

Gonna miss you, Mike.

Especially
your beautiful stories.

Hey, if you ever wanna hear me
telling a story,

just tune in to 585 AM
between 10 and 6.

I'll be there for you.

Yeah. Okay.

And if you're ever flying
into La Guardia,

you just know that
I'm down there somewhere,

trying to figure out
how the hell to keep you

from slamming into one
of the other 50 planes up there.

That's sweet.

Well...

thanks again, Bill.

No, thank you...

Ulysses S. Grant,

18th president
of the United States.

Hey, I...got you
a going-away present.

Thank you.

Goodbye, old friend.

Goodbye.

[TEARFULLY]
I was talking to the cigarette.

[♪]

How 'bout them Mets?

Excellent ball club, sir.

Mm-hmm.
I love the Mets.

[FLATLY]
Tell us more, Joe.

I love baseball in general.
I love all sports.

Mm-hmm.

Can you explain...
why you like sports?

I like sports, sir,

because I'm not very good
at communicating with people.

Therefore, I like
violent activities

that release a lot
of testosterone

and calm me down.

Say, Joe,

how 'bout them Mets?