03x22 - The Real Deal

[bunniefuu]

It's 3:15,
and that means it's time for...

WOMEN [OVER SPEAKERS]:
♪ The Real Deal With Bill McNeal ♪

That's right.

Welcome once again to
The Real Deal with Bill McNeal.

I'm your host, Bill McNeal,
and you're probably wondering

exactly what is
the real deal today?

WOMEN:
♪ Hey, good question ♪

That is a good question,

and our producer,
the lovely Lisa Miller,

has lined up another
great interviewee today.

He's the deputy assistant

of Manhattan's
transit commission.

Please welcome Kevin Sparks.

Thanks for being here, Kevin.

Thank you for having me.

WOMEN:
♪ Hey, don't mention it ♪

Now, I myself don't take
public transportation.

I prefer to use cabs.

In fact, I don't think
I've stepped foot

on a subway and a bus
in over six years.

So, what's going on
in those dingy subway cars

and those overcrowded buses
these days?

What is...?

WOMEN:
♪ The Real De-- ♪

Over the past seven years,

the transit system
has made vast improvement

and some sweeping overhauls.

What we've been able--

BILL:
I seriously doubt that, sir.

But this is America,

and I would die for your right
to make outrageous claims.

The-- The trains are clean
and reliable.

We're running on time again,
and I--

You know what?

You should come down yourself
and see the progress we've made.

[LAUGHING]
Thanks, but no thanks, Kevin.

Back in 90 seconds
with more of...

That's right,
you guessed it, more of...

WOMEN:
♪ The Real Deal With Bill McNeal ♪

Hey, where you goin'?
We're not done yet.

Yes, we are.

Look, um, Mr. Sparks,
I'm sorry.

WOMEN:
♪ Well, screw you too ♪

[♪]

BILL [OVER RADIO]:
And be sure to join us at the same time tomorrow.

My producer, the lovely
Lisa Miller, has lined up...

Who do we have,
lovely Lisa?

LISA:
Guest to be announced.

BILL:
Ooh, sounds like a hot one.

Thank you...

WOMEN:
♪ Lovely Lisa ♪

BILL:
Well, I'm Bill--

What can I say?
I thought it would work.

Well, it's been three weeks,

and it hasn't come close
to working.

Yeah, well,
how are the numbers?

According to these figures,

it seems that when Bill's show
comes on,

people turn off
their car radios,

pull over
to the side of the road,

abandon their vehicles,
and walk home

rather than risk
hearing another second.

All right.

Let's cancel it.

Great.
I'll take care of it.

No, no, no, no.

I'm the one
that approved it.

I'll handle
the cancellation.

Uh, you sure you don't want me
to handle this?

'Cause you know, when, uh, Bill
and Lisa combine their energies,

their, uh, powers of persuasion
go up fivefold.

No, Dave, really, I--

I appreciate your
Dungeons & Dragons approach

to office management,
but, uh,

I left my 12-sided dice
at home,

so I'll just, uh--
I'll go tell them, all right?

All right.

Godspeed, fair wizard.

♪ The Real Deal
With Bill McNeal ♪

Here ya go.

Thank you.

These are...blank.

Yeah, I know, I just--
I needed an excuse

to come in here and talk to you.

Um, Dave,
I need some personal advice.

I mean...

it's really personal.

What is it?

You know Irene?

Irene, the girl that I'm seeing?

The girl I've been going out
with for about three months?

Oh, I know. Is this the same
girl everyone thinks you made up

so you'll have something
to talk about at lunch?

Yeah.

That one.

And did you?
What?

Make her up?
Uh-huh.

No. She exists, Dave.
She exists.

Ah. All right.
In fact...

I'm thinkin' that...

it might be time for me
to make the big move.

Wait a minute. Are you--?
Are you talking about marriage?

Oh, no, no.

Oh, what then?
Living together?

No...

Telling her you want
to date other imaginary women?

Hey! Maybe a dragon!

Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave...
What do you say?

No. I'm thinkin' that it might
be time for us to...

Uh-huh?

...go all the way.

Oh, yeah, well, yeah.

That's a--
You know, that's a--

That's a...serious
decision in--

In any relationship,
you know?

But if-- If you feel
like the time is right,

And if it's right
for her--

I've never gone all the way
before, Dave.

Sorry, what?

I'm a virgin.

[LAUGHING]
Get outta here.

I know!

I know. Me.

Go figure. I know.

I-I mean,
I've had opportunities.

Tons.
Tons of opportunities.

[CHUCKLES]
Uh-huh.

I just want it
to be the right time.

You're 28!

Twenty-eight and a half.

Dave, can you
take a look at--?

I'm sorry, Katherine.
It's something personal.

No, actually, she's okay.

Are you sure?

Come in, come in here
and shut the door.

What I'm gonna tell you
does not leave this room.

I'm very serious.

Okay.

I'm a virgin.

No, you're not.

Yes, I am.

What about those stories

you were telling me
last week about all--

Oh, no, no, no.
I made-- I made those up.

I just need something
to talk about at lunch.

Well, the important thing
is that we just remember

that this shouldn't
leave this room.

Matthew's very sensitive
about this--

Beth, can you
come in here?

BETH:
I'm on the phone.

What do you want?

I'm a virgin.

You're a virgin?

Right here.

Yeah, can you hang on, Mom?

Someone's a virgin.

Yeah, you wish.

What's with
the jingles?

I thought you wanted
to do a hard-hitting show.

I do. But there's a limit
to how hard I can hit

when I'm talking to
the archduke of crosstown buses,

or whoever the hell
he was.

Okay. I don't think you
understand, Bill,

that we are teetering
on the brink of cancellation.

What?
What?

Huh? What?
Huh?

Look, I need to talk
to you two about, uh,

The Real Deal
with Bill McNeal.

Oh! We were just brainstorming
about that ourselves, sir.

Yeah, well, I'm a little
concerned about the ratings.

And who wouldn't be?

I know what you're thinking.
Great concept.

Thank you. And great host.
You're too kind.

LISA: Where are the great
ratings? You tell me.

Rome wasn't
burnt in a day, Jimmy.

And believe me, we thought
about giving up, but...

No. That is not an option.

We will not
hang you out to dry, sir,

because that is just
not what we are all about.

All right, that's fine.
Putting aside lousy ratings--

See? I told you he wasn't
just about numbers.

Yeah, and you got
no argument from me.

Look, look, look,
the problem is,

I thought the show was gonna
be entertaining and interesting.

The fact is,
it's just plain boring.

It worked.
It worked.

What? What worked?

BILL:
Our little plan.

You see, first,
we get your attention

with the boring stuff,

then we hit you
with the excitement.

Bam!

Right between the eyes.
Bam!

Bill, Lisa, the show is--

Cancelled. Fine.

Very smart move, sir.

The only thing to do,
really.

I mean, if you don't like
the surprise guest we have

scheduled for this afternoon,
then fine, cancel it.

Load us into the air lock
and blow us into outer space.

Whoa, what's so special
about this afternoon's guest?

[♪]

So when you told him
we had a special guest,

who did you have
in mind?

I don't know.
Someone famous, I guess.

You know any famous people?

I shared a cab
with Mike Dukakis once.

Funny story, actually.

Yeah, right, no, I--
I remember that story, Bill.

But that doesn't really
help us right now.

I've got it.
What about Jerry Seinfeld?

You know him?

No, but I've
seen him on TV.

And he's sitting
right over there.

[CHUCKLES]
Oh, my God.

That really
is Jerry Seinfeld.

Go ask him
to do our show.

I think we have to go through
his agent or something, Bill.

Hey, did Edward R. Murrow
go through an agent

when he interviewed...

whatever famous person
he interviewed? Come on.

And how does your girlfriend
feel about your virginity?

Oh, she doesn't know.

Really?
She does not know.

In fact...

every time
we get close to...

the act...

I have to pretend
I can't get my pants off.

And she buys it?

Well, last night she managed
to actually get my pants off,

and I just...

I had to just
run outta the apartment.

[♪]

Hey, Jerry.

How we doing?

We're doing fine.

Glad to hear it.
Glad to hear it.

I'm sorry, I--
I can't remember your name.

Oh. Bill.

Bill McNeal,
I'm sorry.

Don't be.
We've never met.

Nice talking with you.

You like this, don't you?

Like what?

Talking to me.

Which raises
an interesting point.

I do a little radio program
here in Manhattan.

Maybe you've heard of it,

The Real Deal
with Bill McNeal.

As a matter of fact,
I haven't.

[LAUGHS]
Oh, come on, Jerry. Don't be modest.

Anyhoo, a really big guest
cancelled on us today,

which leaves me
in sort of a tight spot.

Hm...

Listen, Phil...

Bill.
Bill.

I'd really like
to help you out,

but I'm not really
doing any press right now.

Great. Then I'll bet you
have plenty of free time.

You know, no offense, Bill,

but I've kind of gotten
b*rned by people like you.

Well, not like you.

Come to think of it,
exactly like you.

[LAUGHS]
Oh, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry.

This isn't Good Morning,
Bum-Wad County,

with Cindy-Lee and Melvin.

We're talking about
The Real Deal With Bill McNeal.

Oh, I see, I thought it was
Good Morning, Bum-Wad County.

But we're talking about...

The Real Deal With Bill McNeal.

Right, that's a completely
different story.

Then you'll do it?
No.

Dave, can I talk to you
for a second?

Sure.

Okay, don't, uh...
Don't tell anybody this,

but...

Well, I'm a virgin.

I know.

You told me
half an hour ago.

Oh.

Right.
Well, mum's the word.

Oh, damn.

And you know
how I love to gossip.

Virgin.

Oh, Mr. James, guess what.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
you already told me.

You must have
tremendous will power.

Yeah. I do. I do.

You're not a member of some kind
of cult or something, are ya?

No.
Oh.

Maybe you should think
about joining one.

Well, a 28-year-old virgin.

You could probably
start your own, huh?

Dude, how could you
possibly still be a virgin?

Oh. Believe me,
it was not easy.

I just,
I don't know.

You know what I did?
I made a conscious decision

to just...save myself
and-- And-- And...

Well, after all,
it is my most precious gift.

Okay, you remind me
not to ask

for any Christmas presents,
all right?

You ever even
make out with a chick?

Yeah.
Yeah.

Tons of times. I mean...

I've had some sex,
I just haven't had...

final sex.

I-I've come close,
just not all the way.

How close?

I have no idea
what that means.

Well,
that clears it up.

Oh, my God.
I don't believe it.

I'm sorry.
Is there any way

that I could
get an autograph?

It's my pleasure.
What's your name?

Not you. Him.

Oh, my God.
I can't believe it.

The Bill McNeal

of the one and only
Real Deal With Bill McNeal.

♪ The Real Deal
With Bill McNeal ♪

[CHUCKLING]

Who should I
make this out to, Lisa?

Um...

Well, Lisa
would be fine.

Excuse me, Jerry.

Duty calls.

BILL:
There you go. Keep listening.

Oh, thank you, thank you,
thank you, sir,

for making this the greatest day
of my entire life.

You two are pretty desperate,
aren't you?

Jerry, we'll do anything.

Anything you ask.
Just name it.

Well, for starters...

you could take your hand
out of my salad.

Oh! Sorry.

Don't be.
Happens all the time.

Can I borrow your napkin?

No.

[♪]

Look, I'm-- I'm sure Irene
appreciates you for who you are.

Who am I?

A guy who...maybe isn't quite
ready for sex yet, and...

Yeah.
...that's fine.

Really, it is.
Yeah.

You're probably right.

Hi, honey.

Oh, hi...honey.

Dave, this is, uh,
Irene, my girlfriend.

Um, guys...
this is the guys.

This is Irene.

Hi, guys.

I said, "Hi, guys."

ALL:
Hi, Irene.

[♪]

You don't even
have to leave the table.

We can pre-tape it
right here.

How do I know you guys
aren't gonna chop it up later

and make me
look like an idiot?

Oh, come on, Jerry.
You know me.

Again, Bill,
no, I don't.

Mr. Seinfeld,
this is not a gossip show.

Okay, what we're going
for is serious, insightful,

thought-provoking
radio journalism.

We'll get
into some serious issues.

You know, mix it up a little.

Look, I'm a comedian.

Nobody cares what a comedian
thinks about serious issues.

I don't even care what I think
about serious issues.

Yes, but I'm sure people
out there would love to know

what you think about say...

Medicaid re-allotment.

I have no opinion
on Medicaid re-allotment.

I don't even know
what Medicaid re-allotment is.

Okay, then another topic.

No, I'm serious.
What is Medicaid re-allotment?

Oh, who cares what it is?

What about if...?
If you picked a topic?

I don't wanna pick a topic.

Come on,
just for fun.

The Federal deficit.

Perfect.
The Federal deficit.

What do you think
of the Federal deficit?

It seems a little big.

So the great actor
is suddenly a great economist.

Please, enlighten us.

What is he doing?

What are you doing?

Mixing it up. Come on.
Let's get into it.

Is he always like this?

I don't--
I have no--

I just met him yesterday.

That is my coffee.

Mm.

Sorry.

Thanks.

That's good as new.

Thanks.

[♪]

MATTHEW:
I just don't know what to do.

Dude, there is
a very specific way

you handle
a girl like that.

Yeah.
How's that?

You get down
on your hands and knees,

and you beg her
to have sex with you.

Mm-hmm.

You know, Matthew,
Joe's right.

Men get down
on their hands and knees

to beg me
to have sex with them,

and I don't even
look like that.

Men have to get down
on their hands and knees

just to talk to you
face to face.

Stop pressuring me!

[GROANS]

[GLASS SHATTERS]

Boy looks
a little tense, Dave.

I don't know.

Considering he hasn't
had sex in 28 years,

I think
he's remarkably relaxed.

[CRASH]

Interesting...

Let me ask you this.

Is your finger in my water?

Sorry.

Now, that's disgusting.

How did you even do that?

I'm sorry.

You were saying...

Well, before
I became a comedian,

I had a lot of odd jobs,

different things
that I would do and--

Excuse me, sir.
You all finished with this?

Yeah. Thank you.

What kind of jobs did you have?

Can I get you
another drink?

Uh, no, I'm fine.
Thanks.

A lot of different things.

How 'bout you, sir?
What?

Are you all done with that?
No.

Wh-where
did you work again?

Like I said--
How 'bout you, ma'am?

More coffee for you?
Excuse me.

I don't know if you've noticed,

but I'm attempting to interview
a major Hollywood star.

Bill, the guy
is just doing his job.

Well, I'm just trying
to do my job.

Well, there are better ways
to do it.

You should apologize to him.

I'll toss him a couple
of bucks when we're done.

You're really startin'
to tick me off.

Now, see?
We're mixing it up here.

Just like I told ya.
Now, this is great stuff.

No. It isn't.

Now drag your sorry-ass
over there and apologize to him.

[THUMP]

Did you just kick me?

Are you insane?

Maybe I should be asking you
that question!

Yes, I'm insane.
I'm nuts, Bill!

And if I was that waiter,
I'd come over here

and b*at the hell outta ya.

Gentlemen,
I'm gonna have to ask you

to lower your voices,
please.

Hey, I'm on your side!

Just lower your voice,
okay, Mr. Seinfeld?

Oh, screw this.

You heard the man.
b*at it!

All right. That's it.
No more questions.

I'm outta here.

And don't stiff him
on the tip.

Oh, I-I'm not paying
all of this.

No, we will-- We'll take care
of the check, Mr. Seinfeld.

You-- You know what?

I don't wanna
owe you anything.

How much is it?

All I had
was an appetizer.

You had an appetizer
and a cappuccino.

I didn't
have a cappuccino.

Well, who had
the cappuccino?

I had--
Shh. Admit nothing.

Too late.

You almost got away with it,
didn't ya?

But you cracked under
the pressure, didn't ya?

Didn't ya!?
What?

Oh, you're both
just so aggravating!

I think we got it.

[♪]

Hey, Dave.

Yeah?

Just between you and me, I--

I made my decision.

Oh, great, great.
What is it?

[SCOFFS]
Well, that's personal.

And I think both of us know who
should be the first to hear it.

Yes.

Everybody, I have decided
not to have sex.

Well, that-- That's a decision
only you can make.

And by that I mean...

that is a decision
that only you could make.

Thanks, Dave.

There you are, baby.

Oh...Irene...

We need--
We need to talk.

Okay.
Let's talk privately.

Privately.
Oh, yeah.

Let me look.

JIMMY:
Yo, Bill. Bill!

So, uh,
who's the special guest?

Jerry Seinfeld.

Get outta town. Really?

We pre-taped it.

Let's hear it.

We can't air that.

Don't worry.
I did some editing.

Took care of all the bad parts.

Bill, all there was,
was bad parts.

I know.

WNYX news time, 3:15.

And now, here's The Real Deal,
with your host, Bill McNeal.

WOMEN:
♪ The Real Deal With Bill McNeal ♪

Hello, I'm Bill McNeal.

What you're about to hear
is one of the most puzzling

and provocative interviews
ever put on tape.

They call Jerry Seinfeld
"the nicest guy in Hollywood."

Fact or fiction?

Is it a case
of too much, too soon,

or too little, too late?

Listen and judge for yourself.

[BOLD THEME PLAYS]
MAN: Real deal!

BILL:
What kind of jobs did you have?

SEINFELD:
Screw this. No more questions.

Jerry, I'm just trying
to do my job.

Well, there are
better ways to do it.

Maybe.

Bill, you're really startin'
to tick me off.

Why is that, Jerry?

I'm nuts, Bill!

Now, what if I were to ask you
about your personal life?

I'd probably
b*at the hell outta ya!

[BOLD THEME PLAYS]

Wow.

I had no idea
he was so insane.

Well...he's not.

I meant Bill.

He doesn't worry
about getting sued for libel?

Aren't you?

Nah. Read Bill's contract.

It was nice
meeting you all.

Nice meeting you.
Bye. Bye, Irene.

Well, uh, how'd it go in there?

Not so well.

DAVE:
Uh-huh.

Not so well.

That was maybe the hardest thing
I've ever had to...

do in my-- My life.

I...you know, explained to her
that she's very special,

but I'm just--
I'm saving myself,

and now just isn't
the right time for me.

Well, I happen to think
that's very sweet.

I told her she shouldn't
take it personally.

You know, she's
a very warm...sweet...

incredibly gorgeous...woman,

and then we started kissing,
and then we...

did it.

KATHERINE:
You what?

We did it.

I'm not a virgin anymore.

Wait a minute.
Wasn't that a little quick?

Well, I...

How long
is it supposed to take?

I'm new at this.

Just about that long,
if you do it right.

Now I know
we're never gonna date.

Yeah, you wish.

Well, uh...

Well, let me be the first
to congratulate you on...

having sex
in the break room...

while we all stood
out here waiting.

What the hell are we gonna
put on the show tomorrow?

I don't know.

We stooped pretty low to buy
ourselves a stay of execution.

Right. And now's
the time to show them

how well we can do
going the other way.

You know, cerebral.

Hard-hitting.

Right, like we wanted to do
in the first place.

Right. You know,
Gore Vidal is in town.

A possibility.

Yeah, and the dance critic
from the Times

expressed some interest.

The waiter at that restaurant

said Howie Mandel
is checking in.

Let's go.

[♪]

It's like this.

I... I don't know.

I guess I thought this
experience was gonna...

really change me...
Mm-hmm.

...somehow and--
And now, you know,

I-- I've done it and--
And I don't feel any different.

Believe me, Matthew.

You've always
been different.

Wow. Yeah.
Mm-hmm.

I guess it's not
gonna change who I am.

No.

Okay. Yeah, okay.

All right?
All right.

Well, okay.

Well, good night,
Matthew.

Okay.
[ELEVATOR DINGS]

Thanks, Dave.

I did it.

[HARP PLAYS ANGELIC RIFF]

[DREAMY, ROMANTIC MELODY
PLAYING]

Matthew?

Matthew?

What?

Uh...y-you have to push
one of the buttons

if you want the elevator
to move.

Oh, right. Yeah.

Sorry about the mess, Dave.