01x01 - The Pee Pee Guy

[bunniefuu]

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

Raymond.

Sup? Where's, uh, where's Freddy? How come you didn't put the bet on? I did.

I told ya.

You talked to Mick? Yeah.

And he said you didn't put the f*cking bet on.

No, he's a f*cking liar.

Careful, mate.

What? I've known Mick for 20 years.

Ray.

I swear to God I put the bet on.

I don't know what Mick's talking about.

[GROANS SOFTLY]

I got Matty.

What's he saying? He reckons Mick's full of sh*t.

What do you think? I think somebody's full of sh*t.

Put him on.

Freddy wants a word with you.

Yeah.

Freddy.

- Mate? - Yup.

Look, mate, I like you, but [INAUDIBLE]

that I can't trust, okay? What are you talking about? You didn't put the bet on.

[INAUDIBLE]

I mean, cost me 30 grand.

[INAUDIBLE]

All right? Uh, I put the bet on, I But lying? [INAUDIBLE]

If you got something to say, let's have a talk.

Yeah, I f*cked up.

I'm sorry, mate.

Why didn't you put the bet on? I was gonna put the bet on, but I just I ran into a mate and he had some gear and Yeah, I just f*cked up, man.

Hey, we all f*ck up.

The important thing is that you f*ck, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, mate.

Forget it! Yeah, put Ray back on.

Okay, thanks, Freddy.

- Yeah, man.

- f*ck him up a bit.

Not to k*ll him, but Okay.

Hold on.

Next time Freddy tells you to do something, mate, just f*cking do it.

Yeah? I know.

I know.

Sorry, mate.

I just Putting it in.

Oh, sh*t! Ugh! [COUGHS]

[AMBIENT MUSIC SWELLS]

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

[ALARM BEEPING]

[SIGHS]

[INHALES DEEPLY]

[MUFFLED CLUB MUSIC]

[THUMPING CLUB MUSIC PLAYING]

What's the news, my friend? No news.

- No news? - No.

What's news with you? - I got some bad news.

- Yeah? I had a bad week this week.

You have a bad week every week.

What? How long we been doing business? I'm a little early, Ray, to be honest.

Don't turn this around on me, shithead.

You should have the money.

Okay, okay, okay.

I got a guy who owes me ten.

All right? Over in Ashfield.

You want to go get that? You can keep it.

Okay.

So, ten.

Plus a G on top.

For what? For collecting on the debt.

Collecting on the you're keeping the money.

I know, but I shouldn't have to go and get the money from somebody else, should I? Hey, hey, you met Micky? Micky! This is Ray.

This the guy I was telling you about.

Hey, man.

- Hey, you all right? - Yeah, good.

Yourself? - Hey, good.

- Hey.

Go take him to see that guy in Ashfield.

Yeah, sure.

So how long you been working for Freddy? [SNIFFS]

So you want to have a go at this guy at Ashfield then, or f*ck yeah.

[INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER]

All yours.

- Hey Terry.

- Who the f*ck are you? f*ckin' wise m*therf*cker.

Give me the f*ckin' money! - Where is it? - What money? f*ckin' Freddy's money! Where is it? - Hold on! - Don't tell me to hold on, you f*cking cocksucker.

[GROANS]

I'll get it! Okay, I'll give the money, okay? Well, hurry up.

Look, I haven't got it now.

But I can get it later.

I'll get it at the end of the week.

No.

Now.

I don't have it.

Come on, mate.

I'm not your mate, dickhead.

I'm gonna count to three.

- I don't have it.

- One.

Look, I'll get it end of this week.

- I swear.

- Two.

Um, please, sorry.

Mate, don't.

How long you married, Terry? Uh 12 years.

Got your wallet? There's a couple hundred in here.

I can go to the ATM and get some.

No, don't worry about it, mate.

Hold on.

Nice looking family.

- Thanks.

- Very nice.

You live in Kirribilli? - Yeah.

- Huh? Hartley Crescent.

I love Kirribilli.

It's a very, very nice place.

You stay here with him, mate, all right? Where you going? I'm going to Kirribilli.

No, uh, look, um [STAMMERING]

I'll get you your money, okay? - Um - I don't want any money.

What do you mean? Well, it's not my job to collect money.

It's his job.

What's your job? My job's to make you sorry you didn't pay when you had the chance.

Look, I want to do the right thing.

Ah.

- I've got the money.

- Yeah? I just have to go and get it, okay? Oh, okay.

Right.

Well, you get it now.

Okay? You go with him.

If he gives he any trouble, you give me a call, all right? Okay? Yep.

You don't mind if I keep this, do you? No? Let's go.

[AMBIENT MUSIC]

- Come here, come here.

- [DOG GROWLING]

Ooh.

Oy! Eddie! - Oh.

- Eddie, wait.

- Sorry.

- No, you're all right.

- He's a bit of a maniac.

- He is.

- No, don't worry about it.

- Eddie.

- He's fine.

- Sorry.

- No, you're all right.

- Your dog's not going to - eat my dog, is he? - No, I just fed him, so Right.

Okay.

Pretty safe for the next half hour anyway.

Good, good.

What's his name? - Boof.

- Boof? - G'day, Boof.

- Yeah.

- Is that a Frenchie? - Yeah, yeah.

Eddie.

- Eddie the Frenchie.

- Yeah.

I'm Ally, by the way.

- Ray.

- Ray.

- Nice to meet ya.

- Nice to meet you too.

So you come here a bit, do you? Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

It's nice.

I like being by the water.

- It kind of feels like you're - Yeah.

You know, not in the city, even though you are.

Yeah.

Definitely.

[DOGS GROWL AND PANT SOFTLY]

Yeah.

Well, I best probably should, um, just let you get on with it, - get back to - Get on with it.

- Get back to it.

- Yeah, it's important work.

- [LAUGHTER]

- Yep.

Yeah.

All right, well, nice to meet you.

Yeah, you too.

Um, have a good one.

- Yeah - Bye.

You too.

See you later.

- Come on.

- Yeah, I'll catch you around.

- [DOGS GROWL]

- Come on! Eddie! Eddie! [SHUSHES]

Eddie, come on! - See ya.

- Catch ya.

[LAUGHS]

Come on, mate.

[g*nf*re]

[SIGHS SHARPLY]

[GROANS SOFTLY]

I had the perfect opportunity, mate, and what do I do? [SNIFFS]

Nothing.

[BOOF MOANS]

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

- Hi, Ray.

- Quintin.

Here we go.

All right.

- Have a good time.

- Bye.

- How you doing, sweetheart? - I'm good.

[LOCK CLICKS]

[GROANS]

There's plenty of points to win and plenty of prizes to win as we go into round number two now.

We'll reload the board.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Same rules: Three in a row wins you the - Hang on.

- The category is Sport this time.

- Hey, Brit.

- Hi.

- How are you, beautiful? - I'm good.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

How you going, brother? Doing all right.

How's school? - It's good.

- Really? No.

What are they teaching you? - Nothing.

- [LAUGHS]

What about the boys? How the boys treating you? [WHISPERING]

I'm not telling you.

You're not telling me? All right.

I got this, but I can't remember who I got it for.

- For me? - Not for you.

I think I got this for you.

Thank you.

I'll bet you don't have it.

"Super Squirrel.

" You got it? No.

"Super Squirrel.

" I've seen it.

It's pretty good.

Is it? Your kind of film.

Yeah, it's up my alley.

I mean, I haven't seen it yet.

Yeah, it's about a squirrel.

- Yeah, oh, is it? - Yeah.

- You want a cuppa? - Yeah, yeah, I'll have one.

Yeah.

Smart.

Come on.

Agile.

So how you feeling? Fantastic.

What's going on? Nothing.

Anything happening at the chick department? No.

You? Oh, man.

Since I got the motor neurone, I've been b*ating them off with a stick.

Ladies love it.

Soon as I tell 'em I've got MND, they're all over me like a fly on sh*t.

$1, Uncle Bruce.

What's that, Britt? You owe me a dollar.

What for? You swore.

What did I say? The "S" word.

- sh*t? - Yep.

You owe me $2 now.

So pay up.

Ahh.

[SIGHS]

Well Okay.

You take credit card? Nope.

What's this? I got no cash.

Okay, but you owe me.

Yeah, I'm good for it.

You better be.

You better watch out, mate; she knows where you live.

- Yeah? - [KETTLE WHISTLING]

[MUFFLED CLUB MUSIC]

- Thanks, man.

- See ya, mate.

Hi.

What's going on? Not a lot.

How'd she go? f*ckin' hell, mate.

I, um, so I didn't do too well with that, uh, Terry fella.

I feel like I came on a bit strong or Hey, don't worry about it, mate.

Nobody expects you to get it right the first time.

- Hey, what's happening? - Ray.

Oy, mate.

Gars, Nick.

Nick, Gars.

- Hey, man.

- How you doing? Good.

Can we have a word? Yeah.

All right, mate, I'll catch you in there, all right? Sure.

So what's going on? I need you to come back to my joint.

I'm in the f*ckin' sh*t.

What have ya done? Tat found one of me p*rn.

- One of me DVDs.

- Mm-hmm.

She's pissed as hell, and I've told her it was yours.

Why would you tell her it was mine? Because she was gonna f*ckin' divorce me, man.

I need you to come back and apologize to her.

For what? For leaving the p*rn at my joint.

Why the f*ck would I leave a p*rn in your house? I don't know.

You just did.

I didn't know what else to say.

I just need you to come back and apologize to her.

This is f*ckin' big.

Come on, man.

I'll owe you.

All right.

Oh, f*ckin' ace, dude.

Can we go now? Mate, I'm working.

Yeah, okay, sorry.

Just Dude, relax.

It's a p*rn.

- Yeah, I know.

- f*ckin' hell.

- It's just f*ckin' - Huh? [SIGHS]

She won't let me in.

I'm just gonna piss off for about a halfer, Phil.

- No worries, mate.

- All right.

Thanks, man.

- Now, boofhead.

- Thanks, man.

Come on.

I told you not to marry a Russian.

Yeah, I know, it's just - No.

- Yeah.

f*ck.

[RAY GROANS SOFTLY]

Babe? You all right? Ray's here.

Hello, Ray.

How you going, love? Uh, so, Gar said you found one of me DVDs.

So, uh, sorry about that.

[CABINET SLAMS]

Why you want to look at these things, Ray? This is disgusting, Ray.

Why you like this? I don't know.

You like to piss on woman? This why your wife get divorce.

Babe.

Come on.

- Can I have a word? - Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You want this or not? Thank you.

- I'll see I'll see him Yeah, I know.

- [SPEAKS RUSSIAN]

I'll see him out now.

You all right? Okay? - I know, I know.

- After you.

- Yeah? - [TOILET FLUSHES]

Oh, Ray, that's Vasilli.

It's Tat's brother.

He's over from Russia.

- How you going, man? - The pee pee guy? Yeah.

Uh, come on.

- [GIGGLES]

- No, come on, come on, come on.

Sorry, mate.

[DOG BARKS IN DISTANCE]

[CRICKETS CHIRPING]

Yeah, I'm sorry, mate.

Sorry.

Hey, you know I'm not just into that stuff.

You know I'm into, you know, other stuff too.

What, like sh1tting in people's mouths? No.

You know, like normal stuff.

Thanks, Ray.

I owe you one.

[ENGINE TURNS OVER]

Ah, f*ck.

[BOOF PANTING]

[AMBIENT MUSIC]

We have this book fair, and we have to, like, dress up as, like, a character from a book, and then, like, and then we all have this parade thing, - and in the parade - Whoa, whoa.

Hey, Jesus, man, why don't you watch where you're going? - Hey? - What was that? You heard what I said.

What? You want to start some sh*t? And watch your language too, 'ay? Piss off, fuckwit.

- Yeah, all right.

- Keep walking, dickhead.

- I'll get you another one, all right? - Okay, but tell that guy he owes me $4.

- $4? - Yeah.

- He does, doesn't he? - Yeah.

- I'll get it off him later, all right? - Okay.

So what do you want for your birthday? Um, I want a TV in my room.

- You want a TV in your room? - Yeah.

A red or a black hoverboard.

But if I got you a TV - Yeah.

- In you room, you'd never leave your room and I'd never see you.

Um Well, that's not true.

- I could watch TV - You'd still come in and talk to me every now and then? - Yes, sometimes.

- Oh.

Sometimes? I'm just gonna go in the newsagent around the corner, okay? Just gonna get a newspaper, okay? - Can you stay here? - Yeah.

All right.

- Be back in a minute, all right? - Okay.

[LOCK CHIRPS]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

You all right, old man? Oh! [GROANING]

Run, you little sh*t.

[GROANING]

[SIGHS]

Hey.

- Holy sh*t.

- Hi.

Didn't recognize ya.

Uh, yeah, right, I don't blame you.

You're an ambo.

Para Paramedic, yeah.

- Okay.

Yeah? - Ambo.

So, uh So, like, if I had an accident or something, I'd just call you directly or what do I What's the Sure, yep.

Okay.

- Yeah? - Yep.

- I'll give you my number.

- Sweet.

Well, go for it.

- 0.

- Yep.

- 0.

- Yep.

- 0.

- 000? Okay.

Funny buggers.

Is this a real number or - Yeah.

- Yeah? Okay.

Well, I'm pretty accident-prone, so, uh You can expect a call.

- You've got a job, Al.

- Sure.

Sorry.

Gotta go.

Oh.

Cool.

- I'll call ya.

- You do that.

[PULSING GUITAR STRUMMING]

["THE NIPS ARE GETTING BIGGER" BY MENTAL AS ANYTHING]

[CHEERFUL ROCK MUSIC]

I ran right out of beer I took a look into the larder No bones, nothin' I'd better go and get somethin' harder Back in a flash I started on a dash of Jamaica rum Me and Pat Malone Drinking on our own Woh-hoh-oh, the nips are gettin' bigger Woh-yeah, the nips are gettin' bigger