01x03 - Captain Obvious

[bunniefuu]

Ray.

Who let you in? Your mum.

Hmm.

How ya feeling, all right? Not bad.

For a bloke who's been in a f*cking coma.

Went and saw that brother-in-law of yours.

He f*cking set me up.

Uh-huh.

What'd you do to him? Bit of this.

Bit of that.

And the other pricks? They'll live.

I f*cking owe you one.

I'll add it to the list.

Nah, it gives me the shits.

And what's with the f*cking cowboy hats? Even the old country days, f*cking hardly anybody - wore a cowboy hat.

- Mm.

Especially inside.

Johnny Cash never wore one.

f*ck, Johnny Cash never wore one.

Now, every c**t's wearing a cowboy hat.

- Aye.

- Yeah, I think I think their record company tells 'em to wear the hat.

You know, like it's like it's f*cking advertising.

- Probably.

- World's gone to sh*t, mate.

Everything's just money, money, money.

That's it.

f*ck.

So you still moving jewelry? Yeah.

What do you need? Girlfriend's got a birthday coming up, so How much you wanna spend? 200, 300.

Yeah, I'll see what I can do.

Bewdy.

Here's trouble.

- What's going on? - Hey.

Did you tell Brittany there's no such thing as Jesus? No, she asked me if Santa was real I don't care about Santa.

Do you want me to tell you what happened or not? - Sorry, okay, yeah.

- Okay.

So she asked me if Jesus was real, and I said, um, I don't know for sure, 100%, if he was real, but I said he could've been real.

You know Quentin and I are raising your daughter as a Christian, right? Yeah, I know that, yeah.

So why would you tell her something like that? 'Cause I don't wanna lie to her.

You don't wanna lie to her, but you tell her unicorns exist? - Bye.

- Bye.

- Love you.

- Love you.

Color suits you.

Matches your eyes.

- What'd you say? - You heard.

- Did you hear that, Britt? - No.

Finished.

Beautiful.

Can you paint my nails, please, Dad? Mm - Please? - All right, here.

Tsk.

- Jeez, mate.

- f*ck.

You all right? Careful, Britt.

Stay away from that glass there.

Nothing f*cking works anymore.

Sit up, sit up, sit up.

All right.

I'm gonna lift you up.

All right? Lean against here, buddy.

I'm f*cking over this.

I know you are, mate, I know you are.

You all right? I'm sorry, Britt.

Looks like I owe you a dollar.

It's okay.

But yes, you owe me three dollars, actually.

She's onto it.

She certainly is, mate.

All right.

I'm gonna get you out of here, mate, so I can clean this up.

- All right? - Yeah.

You all right? Feeling is of power, of empowerment.

Hi.

Come in, come in.

- It's Ray, is it? - Yeah.

- I'm Peter.

- How ya goin', mate? - I'm good.

- Good to meet you.

Yeah, you too.

This is Steve, Bob, Carlo, and, uh, this is Max.

- Take a seat.

- Cheers mate.

All right, so now now we're all here, we can get started.

Um Uh, the first thing we'll do is we'll, uh We'll go around the room, introduce ourselves, and, uh, you know, just tell us a little bit about why you're here.

Ray, do you wanna You wanna get us get us started? So so what do you want me to do? Well, introduce yourself first, and then tell us why you're here.

Okay.

My name is Ray.

Um, I'm 40.

Divorced.

Got a kid.

Um, work security.

That's about it.

And why are you here? Oh, I bashed a bloke.

And you've been ordered to be here by the court.

Mm.

Do you think that you've got an anger problem? No.

Okay.

Carlo, do you wanna go next? Um, yeah.

Um So, I'm 43.

Um Got a young son, and and daughter.

Work in the building industry, and, uh, been married, uh, 12 years.

And I'm here 'cause, um, 'cause my wife said she'd divorce me if I, mm, didn't attend, so And why does your wife want you to be here? Uh, she reckons I'm angry.

What do you reckon? Sometimes.

And when you when you get angry, what do you do? Sort of, um Sort of lash out sometimes.

At who? My wife.

Kids.

You lash out physically? Yeah.

Thanks, Carlo.

Uh, Steve.

Yeah, uh Hey, I'm 38.

Uh, married.

No kids.

Uh, we're separated at the moment, wife and I.

Um I'm not working at the moment, so it's pretty tough, you know.

Reason I'm here, I just wanna patch things up with the missus, about it.

And your your separation, is that something to do with anger-related issues? Yeah.

I just lose my temper.

And how does that manifest itself? What? How does, uh how does your anger show itself? Sometimes I hit her and stuff.

Is everything okay, Ray? I think I'm in the wrong room.

What makes you say that? Well, the person I bashed was a bloke.

Not a child or a woman.

And what's your point? Well, no offense, but I don't really wanna sit here with a bunch of f*cking wife-bashers and child-beaters, you know what I mean? - What the f*ck did you say? - You heard what I said.

- Time out, time out.

- Hey.

- No, no, no, no, no.

- Come on, tough boy.

You're dead.

I can f*ck you up, you little f*cking - Hey, hey, hey.

- Get the f*ck off me, man.

- Outside, outside, please.

- Are you all right, mate? I'm good, mate.

f*ck's sake.

f*ck! Look, if you can't take this seriously, then I'll be recommending jail time instead.

Okay? Do you wanna do jail time? Not particularly, no.

Well, then, I expect you to behave yourself.

If you're gonna cause trouble, then we'll have to come to some other arrangement.

Okay, next order of business.

Did a mate of yours get bashed recently? A g*n deal? - Why do you wanna know? - I just need to know.

Just just tell me.

Maybe.

I'm gonna ask you, did you bash the guys that that ripped off your mate? Yeah.

Right, so those guys, the ones you bashed, they belong to a crew run by a guy called Davros.

And Davros is my son-in-law's brother.

- Oops.

- Yeah.

- Hilarious.

- Yeah.

So, I need you to go sit down with him.

What for? - 'Cause he's f*cking pissed.

- So? Mate, this guy's family, okay? I'm asking you a favor here, please.

Just sit down with him.

Why don't you shove a bit more in your gob? A-ha.

Ah, very nice, mate.

Really good.

- What do I owe you? - Don't worry about it.

- No, I'll give you some money.

- Nah.

Just buy us a beer.

Done.

- Easy.

- Appreciate it.

Yeah.

All right, what about these ones? No.

Oh.

There you go.

Those.

I thought you wanted to buy me some sexy undies.

Yeah, they're sexy.

They're plain cotton.

They're sexier than those ones.

What do you mean? Guys love the lacy ones.

No, we don't.

You guys like 'em.

- Go with the cotton ones.

- Oh.

I don't want 'em.

Well, you've gotta pay for them.

No, give 'em me card.

Why don't you wanna do it? 'Cause.

Are you worried they're gonna think they're for you? Possibly.

Oh, yeah, sh*t in 4K.

Oh.

Oh, yeah, there we go.

That's it.

That's it.

Mmm.

f*ck.

Jesus f*cking Christ.

Vasilli? What the f*ck? - Where's safe? - Where's safe? - Is safe? - Is it safe? Yes.

Is it safe where? Safe, where? What the f*ck are you talking ah! Safe.

Safe.

Money, money, safe.

Yes, okay, okay, okay.

It's in the f*cking garage.

- Garage? - Yes.

Go.

Go, go, go.

Open it.

I don't have the combination.

What? I wrote it down somewhere.

Where? Don't know.

It's upstairs.

You better no f*cking me.

Mate, why would I be f*cking you? Let's go.

Let's go.

- Come on.

- All right.

f*ckin' hell.

Ah, f*ck.

Come on.

Well, if it's not there then I'm positive it was up in the top one, but she moves things around all the time.

- What we do? - If it's not there, I don't I don't know what she's done with it.

I'm just gonna have to give it a cr*ck.

Okay, go, go.

- Hurry.

- 'Ey.

I just got out of hospital, mate.

Just calm down.

Hurry up.

Yeah.

I have to be able to hear the click.

I don't know the combination.

You're just gonna have to give me about five minutes, all right? Okay.

In five minutes, if not open, I sh**t you in face.

Uh-huh.

You don't believe me? No, I believe you.

- How much longer? - Two minutes, tops.

I'm nearly there.

Hurry up! Mate, I almost had it there.

Now I gotta f*cking start all over again.

- Well, start then.

- Well, f*ck, just be quiet.

- Stop talking.

- I gotta listen to the f*cking click.

- You stop talking.

- You stop talking.

- You stop talking.

- No, you stop talking.

I can't hear the clicks.

You know how this works? Ten seconds I sh**t.

Ten, nine, eight, six Skipped seven.

Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, - two - Bingo.

Ah.

Ha-ha, good, good, good.

Where bag? - What? - Bag, you know, put sh*t in.

You didn't bring a bag? Where bag? There's plastic bags up in the kitchen.

No, no, no, no plastic bag.

What're you, stupid? Big bag.

I got a big bag up in the cupboard.

Let's go.

f*ck.

Go, go, go.

You know, generally when you rob somebody, you bring your own bag.

Shut f*ck up.

There.

There you go.

Nice big bag.

Good.

Go, go.

- Go.

- f*cking right-o.

What? Fill.

Don't look at me.

Fill.

Ah, ah, ah, careful with g*n.

Careful with g*n.

- Hurry up.

Come on.

- All right, I'm going as fast as I can.

Happy? Well, brother, I rough with you, but I need money, so, no bad feeling.

Hmm? What f*ck? You took your bloody time.

Lucky I f*cking came at all.

sh**t the prick, will you? I'm not doing it.

What's your problem? Well, he's your f*cking brother-in-law.

Yeah, I know, that's why I don't wanna do it.

No.

Where's your car? He's not going in my car.

Well, you gotta.

Tat's got the Falcon.

Nah, I just had it detailed, mate, forget it.

Well, I'll get a f*cking tarp.

Cool? Gotta get rid of him.

Get him inside.

Right, roll him.

There we go.

'Ey.

- Good? - Right.

Right.

I'm gonna get the car.

I'm gonna back it up.

I knock.

Door opens.

He goes in the boot, right? - Yeah.

- Got it? Yeah, cool.

Okay, good.

Yeah.

Ah, f*ck, Tat's home.

f*ck.

Ah, just just f*cking just stay here.

Come on, you f*cking c**t.

Hey.

What's this? - Huh? - What happened to the glass? Ah, a bird - flew into it.

- When? - Just before.

- Is the bird okay? Yeah, yeah, yeah, he just flew away.

He just hit the glass, flew away.

Why you have Kn*fe? 'Cause I couldn't find the broom.

So I was just gonna use that.

It's in the kitchen cupboard.

Ah.

Didn't look.

- What an idiot.

- Yeah.

Go and take a bath, or you're gonna get a cold there.

- Da.

- How was the gym? - All right? - Good.

Yeah? f*ck.

Here.

Here.

What? - Chop him up.

- f*ck off.

Why not? He's your f*cking brother-in-law.

- You do it.

- Why do you keep saying that? Who gives a f*ck whose brother-in-law he is? - Come on.

- f*cking chop him up later.

I can't chop him up later.

We gotta chop him up now.

He'll be easier to get out in smaller pieces.

- f*ck, man, I'll owe ya.

- Keep f*cking saying that.

Hold on, we gotta get him up on the table.

Okay, okay.

Come on, quick.

Can't lift the fat c**t me self.

- Okay.

- I got him.

- All right, got him.

- Ready? Okay, one Two, three.

f*cking get that sh*t off the table.

Okay.

Okay, good.

Hold on, we gotta get his f*cking clothes off, man.

f*ck.

Okay, get him up, get him up.

- Hang on.

Got it.

- Good.

Shoes gonna Yeah, yeah.

Good? - Yeah.

- All right, good, good.

- Babe, what're you doing? - Da? What're you doing? Cleaning up.

Ah! - What's that? - What? f*ck me! - Tatia.

- Vasya? Vasya.

What f*ck goes on? Your f*cking brother tried to rob us.

- Vasya.

- Yeah, he held a g*n to my head, and he said empty the safe downstairs or he was gonna k*ll me.

If Ray hadn't come over, he would've f*cking sh*t me.

- You know that? - - f*ck you, Gary, f*ck you.

- Stop it, stop it.

- - Get out of here.

Get out of here.

Get out! f*ck you, Gary.

- What the f*ck happened? - f*ck you, Gary.

Wasn't dead.

Well, thanks, Captain Obvious.

b*llet b*llet must've ricocheted off his skull.

You couldn't tell when you were cutting him? You couldn't tell he was still breathing? No? Well, you didn't f*cking recognize him breathing, did ya? You were down there.

Where you going? f*cking going home.

Ray.

Ow! f*ck!