06x01 - Whose Wife Is It Anyway?

[bunniefuu]

( upbeat piano theme playing )

ANNOUNCER:
Last season on Wings:

Will you marry me?

Yes.

Brian, when are you gonna
get it through your head?

No matter how many
cute little gimmicks you try,

we're not gonna
get back together.

It's over.

Fine. It's over.

'Cause I've had
enough humiliation

to last me a lifetime.

I'm done.

Oh, good.

The Cupid-gram.
( claps hands )

Talking about
Helen and Lynch.

They're getting married.

What?

I think I said that
pretty clearly.

Listen, Helen,
um...

I just--

I just want to say
congratulations again.

You know, I-- I'm sure that you
and Davis will be really happy.

Yeah, we are.
Hm.

I-- I think that
I really picked

the right man.
Mm-hm.

I just made a big,

big mistake
letting Alex get away.

Oh, come on,

Joey, talk to me.

Yow!

( mellow theme playing )

( whistling )

Morning.

Morning?

I find you in bed
with Helen last night,

and all you can say
is "morning"?

( grunts )
Those are for Helen.

I-I-Is that a heart?

Are-- Are you making
heart-shaped pancakes?

They're her favorite.

( chuckles )

Joe, I want you to wipe

that inane grin
off your face

and tell me how you

and Helen ended up
in bed together.

You broke my heart.

Look, I don't know
how it happened.

She was on her way
to New York.

She stopped by here
last night

on the way to the airport
to borrow my travel iron.

So I gave it to her.

I meant the travel iron.

Oh. All right.
Well, well, go on. Go on.

Well, you know, there's
not much more to say.

Uh, you know,
we wished each other luck,

gave each other
a kiss goodbye

and fell into bed
like dogs. Heh.

( fridge door
closes )

Boy, huh?

You and Helen.

All these years you two guys
parading around as friends...

this hot, steaming passion

raging underneath
the surface.

Smoldering sexual tinderbox

just waiting for a spark
to come along and--

You slept alone again
last night, huh?

Oh, yeah.

Heck, look. Brian,
don't give up on Alex.

You know, there's still
a chance it could work out.

Yeah.

Well, hell,
I'm not really worried.

And I've actually come up with
a great plan to get her back.

See, every time she goes out
for the morning paper,

I'll be there.

Every time she goes out
to lunch, I'll be there.

Every time she pulls
the shades down at night,

I'll be there.

And every time
you come up for parole,

I'll be there.

Look, man, l--
Let me give you

just a little bit of advice.
Yeah.

If you really want to get Alex
back, you got to play it cool.

Let her come to you.
Oh, I don't know.

No, hey. No,
trust me on this one.

Look, last night Helen
was this close

to marrying Lynch.

This morning,
she is eating at Joe's.

Ha. And why?

Because I played it cool.

Bye, Joe. Thanks for
the travel iron.

He-- Hey, Helen,
where are you going?

Uh, New York
to see Davis.

W-- Why?

He's my fiancé.

Helen, wait.

Joe!

Undies.

( mellow theme playing )

Okay, breakfast
is here.

What took you so long?
Oh. Oh, it's about time.

I ordered the muffin.

They were out. So instead
I got you a bear claw.

Um, I ordered
the scrambled eggs.

They were out. So instead
I got you a bear claw.

Well, mine's easy.

I ordered the bear claw.

Fay got the last one.

Heh. So I got you toast.

Oh, it's just my luck.

I'm having toast for lunch.

I suppose we have got Chappel
to thank for this.

She goes to New York, marries
a rich guy in a penthouse,

we got to scrounge for
our breakfast every morning.

Oh, well, I think
it's wonderful

that Helen's finally
getting married.

And I bet there's gonna be
a really fancy society wedding.

ANTONIO: Yeah.
I can't wait to go.

Yeah, me neither. Me--
I-I've got to get my tux back

from my cousin, Giacomo.

Oh, I forgot.

He buried his father in it.

Maybe I could--

Nah.

Better just rent a new one.

What makes you think
she's gonna want you two there?

Why wouldn't she?

Oh, you're gonna
have a lot in common

with her rich friends.

Mr. Gold Card,
meet Mr. Green Card.

Of course we'll be
invited. Won't we?

Oh, absolutely.

We're her friends.

Well, her friends from work.

That's right. There's always
a "friends from work" table,

isn't there?

Oh, yeah. And they'll
have us hidden

in some dark corner
where everyone kicks our chairs

on the way to the can.
That's right.

That's right. And the only time
Helen will talk to me

is when she needs someone
to dance

with her fat Aunt Rose.

You know? I-I-I never
get the hot cousin.

You know, it's always me

and the 300-pound woman

in support hose
doing the Hokey Pokey.

Well, it didn't take very long

for money to turn
her pretty little head.

Hi. I had a change
of plans.

Leaving now. Bye now.

Now, listen,
I'm telling you right now,

your fat aunts
dance alone.

You bet. Bye.
Okay.

Chappel, what are you
still doing here?

I thought you left
last night.

Oh, well, you know,
it was the funniest story.

Um-- Oh,
get this.

( forced laugh )

Uh, I didn't.

Roy, when's your next
flight to New York?

Well, it's the funniest story.
Get this: It's sold out.

( chuckles )

Bump somebody.
Maybe I could bump somebody.

U-uh, this engagement
really agrees with you.

You're positively
glowing.

Uh, no, I'm really
not glowing.

There's absolutely
no reason to glow.

Oh-ho-ho.
You know, Chappel,
she's right.

You look
kind of flushed.

No, no. I-I-I'm
really not.

Helen. You know, you--
You look...

Please don't say
I'm glowing.

No, you look like
you just had sex.

( laughs )

No, I'm just glowing.

Listen, Helen, I was gonna
send this to you in New York,

but since you're here,
I can give it to you now. I--

I made a little
engagement present for you.

And I did a little
cross-stitching last night. I--

See. "Helen and
Davis Forever."

( snickers )

"Forever."

Thanks, Lowell. I'll--
I'll treasure it always.

Well, now, Lowell,

I think that's
just amazing.

How did you ever
do that in one night?

Well, I have to admit
I didn't do it by myself.

You know, my cousin Bevo
helped me with the border.

You know, for once
that extra thumb

of his came in handy.

Roy, where's
the ticket already?

It's coming. It's coming.

Just like the rich.

Everything's got to be
now, now, now.

Well, well, if it isn't
the blushing bride herself.

You know, if one more person
says that I'm blushing

or I'm glowing, I'm gonna
kick them right in the--

Reverend Saunders.
Hello, how are you?

Fine. I was so happy to hear
you're getting married.

You know, I'd be
honored if you'd let me

perform
the ceremony.

( scoffs )
Fat chance.

She's probably
booked Billy Graham.

After all,
I've known you

ever since you were
a little girl.

Ah, I can still see
you sitting

in church in your
pretty white dress,

Bible clutched
in your little hands,

the very picture
of innocence.

That's really sweet of you.
I'm going straight to hell.

JOE:
Helen.

Helen, don't--
Don't leave.
Oh.

We have got to
talk about this.

Joe, there's nothing
to talk about.

Roy, the ticket.
Thank you.

What, y-you call what happened
last night nothing?

Uh...
U-U-Uh,

what happened
last night?

Uh, nothing.
Nothing.

Could you please
give me my damn ticket?

In a second. What did
happen last night? Sh--

Nothing!

Now, look, listen. You cannot
just run out on me like this.

Joe, would you quit making
such a big deal about this?

What we did last night was
just sex! It was nothing else!

It was just sex!
That's all it was! Sex!

Well...

don't I feel
the perfect fool.

( lively theme playing )

Helen...what we had
last night

was a lot more than just sex.
Joe...

I have two words
for you:

civil ceremony.

Well, call me
old-fashioned,

but in my day,
the night you got engaged,

you slept with
your fiancé.

Aeromass announces
the departure of flight 19

to New York.

Due to FAA regulations,

there will be no smoking

or sex while in flight.

Think you can
make it, Chappel?

( snickers )

Tsk. Look, Joe,
I have to go.

No, no. You can't go.

We've got to talk about this--
Give me the ticket.

Joe, what are you
doing? I have to go.

Hey-- Look-- J--
Talk to me, Helen.

Am I crazy or did something
incredible happen last night?

Oh, that?

Yeah, that.

Well, that was...um,

two old friends...

saying goodbye.

When my friend Bill left
the island, we just shook hands.

Nobody dug their nails
in anyone's back.

Joe, last night
was a big mistake.

That's all it was.

I am engaged
to Davis.
( sighs )

Because we spend
one night together,

I'm supposed to
forget about him?

Pfft, yeah.

I got a plane
to catch.
Helen--

Oh, Joe. What do
you want from me?

Helen, you j--
You can't leave.

What about us?

What "us"?

We tried "us"
years ago.

We broke up.

Oh. All couples break up.

We fought all the time.
All couples fight.

I drove my jeep
through your office.

All couples--
Yeah, you did.

What the hell
were you thinking?

I'm marrying Davis.
Goodbye.

Wait-- Helen.
Listen to me.

If you were so sure
about him,

last night never
would of happened.

Last night never happened.
How can you say that?

That's my story,
and I'm sticking to it.

All right, okay.
Okay, okay. Fine. Fine.

If you can stand here
and look me right in the eye,

and honestly tell me
that you love him...

( sighs )

...I'll-- I'll step aside.

I love him.
Let me put that
a different way.

Joe...

I really want this.

So if you care about me,

if you want to see me happy...

if you love me...

you won't stand in my way.

( airplane flying overhead )

Aeromass announces
the final boarding call

for flight 19
to New York.

Look, uh...

glad you guys
are still here.

Uh...didn't have
much time

for the alterations,
but, you know...

let me be the first
to congratulate you.

Bye, Joe.

Goodbye, Helen.

You okay?

Do I look okay?

How you doing?
Oh. I-- I've been better.

Would you like to
talk about it, dear?

No. No, Fay. Really, not--
Not right now.

You sure?
I'm a good listener.

Hey, hey, hey.
Ca-- Hey--

Will you guys
just back off?

Give the man
a little air, all right?

The last thing
he needs is a bunch

of people yammering
his ear off

with a lot of...

cliché advice.

Hey, thanks.

( sighs )

But you know,
time heals all wounds.

There's a lot of--
Lot of fish in the sea.

And whatever doesn't k*ll you
makes you stronger.

All right, all right.
Look, I know it's tough,

but you cannot
let it get to you.

I mean, take this thing
with me and Alex.

Oh-- A-A-Alex.

What, heh--?
What about her?

Um, when I gassed up
her chopper this morning, uh,

she gave me a letter
to give you.

Uh, I can't read it.

You-- You read it.

Okay.

Okay.

"Dear Brian,

by the time you read this,
I'll be gone."

Gone? What-- What
does she mean "gone"?

"I'm leaving
the island for good.

"What we had was wonderful,

"but we both know
it's over.
( sighs )

"I know if I stayed, we'd
probably get back together,

but it would be
a big mistake."

Even though you are

the most handsome man
I've ever known.

She said that?

Yeah, I threw that in.

Y-you looked like you needed
some good news with the bad.

"We just had
too many problems,

"and I don't think
you're ready

for a mature,
adult relationship."

Even though you are
one heck of a bowler.

That bowler thing:

uh...her?

Me.

"Please don't try to find me.

"It's better this way.

"And always remember, Brian,

I love you."

You?

Her.

What the heck. I don't
say it enough either.

( groans )

My God. Alex--

Alex is really gone.

Oh, hey. Come on, man.

You--

You know, you were right.

It wasn't meant to be,
it wasn't meant to be.

Look, don't hand me
those platitudes,

you sanctimonious bag of wind.

My life is over!

( lively theme playing )

Oh. I can't believe
Alex is gone.

My God, Helen's
getting married.

What am I gonna do?

You? What about me?

May I-- May I
say something?

You two make me sick.

( dramatically ):
"She's gone."

"She's getting married."

Big-sh*t pilots moaning
about losing your girlfriends.

You, with your--
Your cool leather jackets

and your flyboy charms.

You walk into
any bar,

they're crawling all over you.

Here, I-- I-I got an idea.

Try picking up a woman
after 15 hours

in a hot, stuffy cab,
wearing--

Wearing sweat-stained,
out-of-date clothes

and a coin changer
on your belt.

( airplane flies overhead )

You know, I-- I never thought
about it before,

but he's absolutely right.

Yeah. His life is pathetic.

No. No, I mean about us.
What are we moaning about?

We're gonna be just fine without
Alex and Helen. You know why?

We're the Hackett brothers.
We got a lot going for us.

We do?
Hey.

Who left a string of broken
hearts at Sconset High?

Hackett brothers?
Yeah.

And who had their choice of
any flight attendant in Boston?

The Hackett brothers.

Yeah, exactly.

So why are we gonna be okay?

'Cause we're
the Hackett brothers!

You're damn right!

From now on, we are
gonna have more women

than we ever dreamed of.

Yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hot Latin women
in tight black shorts--

Sure, yeah. Big Nordic
blondes with no tan lines.

Yeah. Nasty French girls
with pouty lips.

Asian anchorwomen.

Oh. Good one. Wow.
Hey.

If we never have another
meaningful relationship

for the rest of our lives,
it won't matter--

We'll have each other.
Right, we'll have each other.

There we'll be-- We'll be
two old men...
( chuckles )

...with big smiles
and a lot of great memories.

Oh, that's right.
Two fat, happy old guys

sitting there in front of
the TV in our underwear,

eating a couple of
Hungry-Man dinners.

Yeah. Two unshaven
old geezers

with 3-inch
fingernails

shouting about who left
the cap off the VapoRub.

( laughs ):
Yeah.

Mothers dragging their kids
away from our house saying,

"Don't go near there.
You know who lives in there?"

Hackett brothers.

Where are those plane keys?
I'm going after Helen.

No, no. No, you're not.
I need those keys to get Alex.

No, Brian, look, she dumped you.
Have a little self-respect.

What are you talking about? You
nailed another guy's fiancée,

you slut.
Brian, you-- You--

You don't even know
where she is.

What are you gonna do?
Fly around the world

with your head out the plane
window, yelling: "Alex"?

Yeah. That
and drop leaflets. Huh?

( both grunting )

Stop.

( breathing
heavily )

Look, I really
want this, Brian.

If you care about me...

if you want me
to be happy...

if you love me...

you won't
stand in my way.

Get bent.
No.

Come on, come on.

( grunts, chokes )

Hi, guys.

Hey, there's the keys
I've been looking for.

No, I-- Let me have those!
I got to go get Alex!

Come on. Give 'em to me.
I'm going after Helen.

These keys?
Yeah. Give 'em to me.

Who wants the keys?
Give 'em to me.

Get the keys. Get the keys.
Come on!

Hold it, hold it,
hold it.

There's only one fair way
to settle this.

Joe, Brian...

what country,

formerly known as Ceylon--?

Give me those.

It's Sri Lanka, Joe!

cr*ck a book sometime,
pretty boy!

( mellow theme playing )

JOE:
Helen, wait!

Ow!
Oh.

Ow! Ow!

Joe...

What are you doing here?

Can't...marry Lynch. Ow.

What is wrong with you?

Just ran...25 blocks.

( breathing heavily )

Cab accident.

Not Achmed's fault.

( elevator bell dings )
Come over here and sit down.

Take the weight off
your knee.
Ah.

Oh.
There you go.
Hope you're all right.

Ahh. Thanks.

Uh, hey, wait. Ow. Ow.

Oh.
( grunts )

Hey, aren't these things
supposed to open

when you put your hand
in 'em?

Not while I'm pushing
this button.

Helen, you can't
marry Lynch.

You're making
a big mistake.

Would you get it
through your thick skull?

I am marrying him, and
there's nothing you can say

to change that.

Marry me.

Excuse me?

Please.

( breathing heavily )

Did you just ask me
to marry you?

Yes.

( grunts )

Take your time.
Think about it.

Boy, just when I have
my life all figured out,

you come here and pull
this stupid stunt.

Well, 31 years without
a single proposal,

then I get two
in one day.

Three, if you count
the guy out front

playing "Lovely Bunch
of Coconuts" on his lips.

Helen, I-- I--
You know, I know
you don't want to hear this,

but I'm marrying
Davis...

and that's
that.

( hits stop button )

Oh.
Give me one good reason why.

Oh, honey, I'll give you
the best reason of all.

He...

asked me first.

Oh. That's what the most
important decision of your life

boils down to? Firsties?

Hey, wait
a minute.

You left Nantucket
way before I did.

You've been walking around

thinking things over,
haven't you?

Tsk. No.

I...

took in a show.

Cats.

You did not. Admit it.
You have doubts.

Hey, I was at Cats.

Oh-- Oh, yeah? What does
Rum Tum Tugger sing

at the top of the second act?

"Feelings."

Okay. So I walked around
the block a few times.

Everyone has doubts
before they get married.

But I know now that
I have made up my mind,

and I'm sure about it.

So, Joe, just-- Just go away.

All right.

Helen, if you can
look me in the eye

and honestly tell me
that you don't love me,

I will get off
this elevator

and out of
your life.

I don't love you.
I got to stop saying that.

Helen, you're lying,
and you know it.

Okay!

Okay, I love you.

I've always loved you.

But what the hell kind of reason
is that to get married?

Well...

it's no, "He
asked me first."

But it's the best
I can do.

Joe, it's too late for us.

( pleadingly ):
Please.

It's just not gonna work.

Damn it, Helen.

When you walked out
this morning, I--

I felt all the life
drain out of me.

I sat at that counter,
and all I could think about

is all the years
we've known each other,

since we were kids.

We've already spent
a lifetime together.

Nobody knows me
better than you.

And no one knows you
better than I do.

How can you even think
about marrying Lynch?

It's wrong.

Having kids with him.

Growing old together.

That's our marriage.

Those are our kids.

It's our lifetime.

We're supposed to
be together.

I love you, Helen.

Tsk.

Well...guess, um...

Sometimes love
just isn't enough, huh?

( hits start
button )

Ask me again.

What?

Ask me again.

Will you marry me?

Oh, what
the heck.

Mm.
Mm.

You stopped for
a hot dog, didn't you?

Tsk. Oh.
( chuckles )

Can--? Can you
believe this, Bevo?

I mean, all night we're
stitching and sewing,

and stitching and sewing.

And all day they're breaking up
and getting back together,

breaking up and
getting back together.

God. I tell you,
it's enough to make you

give up needlepoint forever.

There, I said it.

Okay. All right,
let's have a look.

Let's see how this looks.

All right, uh--

Oh, move your thumb.

No, the other thumb.

No, the other thumb.