06x09 - If It's Not One Thing, It's Your Mother

[bunniefuu]

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Oh, I can't believe it.

U-uh, okay.
I'll get right back to you.

Whatever you do,
do not sell that ticket.

Oh, Antonio.
Antonio, I need $500 quick.

Barbra Streisand is giving
a special concert in Boston

and I have a chance
to get my hands on a ticket.

Well, sure, Fay.

I-I'd be glad to lend you $500,

if I hadn't foolishly
squandered it on heat, rent

and Grandma's
insulin sh*ts.

Cochran,
did I hear you right?

You were able
to land a ticket

to that special
Streisand concert?

Yes, but I only have a few
minutes to get 500 bucks.

Oh, you know, I have worshipped
Barbra from the beginning.

I got married to Funny Girl,
divorced to The Way We Were,

and wrote my last alimony check
to "Happy Days Are Here Again."

Oh, then you'll lend me
the money for the ticket--

Oh, ho-ho,
not on your life.

But here's what I will do:

I will pay for the ticket,
and we can split that seat.

We'll take turns
so we'll each see

a little part
of the concert, huh?

FAY:
Okay, it's a date.

( both laugh )

Great!
Oh, I'm so excited.

Oh, I know. Isn't life funny?

You know, I've dreamed
of this moment

but I never thought
it would happen.

( Roy laughs )

Oh, it'll
be pure magic.

( Roy laughs )

So, Roy,

got yourself
a little snuggle bunny.

( upbeat theme playing )

HELEN:
Hey.

Hey, Helen. Guess what.
What?

I just got off
the phone with Mom.

She's coming
for the weekend.

M-Mom's coming here?

Your Mom is coming?
That's great.

We haven't seen her in years.

M-Mom's coming here?

Deedee's coming?
That's great.

Hey, Deedee Chappel.

Get ready to unzip your pants.

Hey.

Hey, watch your mouth, huh?

You're talking about
somebody's mama.

No, no, no. Look, she used
to make these huge dinners.

Everyone got so full,
they had to undo their pants.

H-h-hey, remember those
chocolate-chip pancakes

she used to make?
Oh.

Remember 'em?

That's the dish they say
k*lled Bob the mailman.

Mm.

I used to polish off
three stacks of those babies

in one sitting.

Only three?

What were you doing,
watching your figure?

So, uh, wh--?
What are you saying?

I'm saying that I've eaten
snacks bigger than you.

Ah. My mama also
loved to cook, you know.

On Sundays, every Scarpacci
in the village would--

Would gather at our table.

If I close my eyes
I can still hear her say,

"Mangia, figlio mio. Eat."

And then I can
hear my father say,

"Chew with your mouth shut,

you freeloading
little hairy baboon."

Ah, God, I miss them.

Mom never comes here.

Oh. I know
why she's coming.

For you.
What?

Well, you broke up
with Stuart,

so she's coming here
to spend some time with you.

Oh, I don't think that's it.
Why not?

Well, I haven't exactly
told Mom about Stuart yet.

You haven't told her?

You've been
separated for months.

Where does she think
he's been all this time?

In the bathroom.

Every time she calls,
I tell her he's in the bathroom.

For three months?

This is Stuart
we're talking about.

It's not
that hard to believe.

Yeah, well, I still bet
she's coming here to see you.

Well, did it ever occur
to you that maybe she's coming

because you're getting married.

You know, to help you
plan your wedding?

You think that's why?

Well, of course.

Oh, that'd be great.

There's so much to plan.
My gown, the caterer...

And don't forget the band,
and the flowers--

Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I'm gonna stop this train
before it leaves the station.

I'm not letting you three
Chappel women get together

and talk me into
spending thousands of dollars

on ridiculous stuff
like Jim and Marsha did

at their wedding.

I thought you liked
their wedding.

Oh, please.

The stupid champagne waterfall,
the Gypsy violinists,

the bride and groom
sculpted in shrimp. No.

No, no, no. There's no way
that we're gonna waste our money

on stupid stuff like that.
Well, you won't have to.

I think Mom's coming
to give you the check.

Check? What check?

The wedding check.

When Stuart
and I got married,

Mom and Dad gave us
some money to help pay for it.

Yeah, well, look,
that's all very nice,

but all we really want
is a simple ceremony

followed by a nice,
tasteful dinner

with a few
of our close friends.

The check was for $10,000.

I'll call Jim and Marsha,
see who their shrimp guy is.

( upbeat theme playing )

Come on, Cochran.
Get the lead out.

I don't wanna be
late for Streisand.

All right.
Now here is my list

of all the songs
that I want to hear

Barbra sing.

Are you nuts?

I didn't pay
500 bucks to hear

"You Don't
Bring Me Flowers"

and a medley from
the disco years.

Oh, a-all right.
Then let's make it simple.

You take the seat for
the first half of the concert.

Then at intermission,
you come outside,

give me the ticket,
and I'll watch the second half.

All right.
Fair enough. Let's go.

Oh, Helen, look.

I want you take a look
at this wedding brochure.

For only 500 bucks
we can arrive at the ceremony

in a motorized Viking ship.

Joe, would you stop
thinking about the money?

The important thing is, is my
mama is coming here to see me.

Isn't she?

Yeah,
of course she is.

Why is that so hard
for you to believe?

Well, she's always had
a special bond with Casey

that I never had.

Sometimes I'd be with them, and
it was like I wasn't even there.

Wow! Synchronized
omelet chefs.

Hey.
Hey, Antonio.

Hey, what's with the tie?

Ah, you know.
Want to look nice.

Helen's mama coming today.

Antonio, you don't
even know her mother.

You're all dressed up.

Hey, a mama
deserves respect.

Get a haircut.

Helen, is Mom here yet?
No.

You're putting on
your wedding ring?

Well, just because
Stuart's in the bathroom

doesn't mean
I can't wear his ring.

Oh, there are my girls!

Oh, come here you two.

( both exclaiming )

Oh, my.

Oh, you both
look so gorgeous.

Oh, well, we take after you.

Ah,
that's sweet.

Oh. I was
gonna say that.

So how's Daddy?
Oh, he's fine.

Oh, God.
I was gonna ask that.

He's sorry he couldn't come,
but his hernia popped again.

Oh, don't tell me that
that handsome young man

is my future son-in-law.

Come here, Joe. Ha, ha, ha.
Hi, Deedee.

Oh, now you
forget Deedee.

It's Mom.

I'm so glad that
you could make--

Say it.

What?

I wanna hear "Mom" come out
of this adorable face.

( muffled ):
Mom.

A-ha. Mwah.

Now, where's
my other son-in-law?

Where's Stuart?

And don't tell me
he's in the bathroom again.

Don't be silly, Mom.

Of course Stuart's
not in the bathroom.

The truth is he's...

in France.

He's trying to open up
the European market

for his business.

Europe doesn't
have corn pads?

Not the good kind.

Excuse me, excuse me.

Uh-uh, I don't mean
to intrude, but I--

I just wanted to
welcome you to the island.

And to-- And--

Oh, Mama!

It's good to meet you.

( mouths ):
Who is he?

Uh, Mama, this is Antonio.

Antonio, this is my mom.
Ah.

S-such a pleasure
to meet you, Mama Chappel.

Oh, yes.

I-I-I can see where
your daughters get

their beauty and charm.
Mm-hm.

Yes. The last time a guy
laid a line like that on me,

he tried to sell me
a timeshare.

Nice to meet you.

Well, Mama, you must
be tired from your trip,

so why don't
I take you home

and you can
unpack your things

and then maybe we can
talk about my wedding plans.

Yeah.
I've got some brochures.

Oh, honey, there's
plenty of time for all that.

First point me
towards the market

'cause I wanna go
food-shopping for tonight.

You just
traveled 2,000 miles.

Are you sure
you wanna cook?

Well, of course.
Why would I travel all this way

and not cook
for the kids?

Well, you--
You all enjoy yourselves

and have a lovely time.

I'll just be home heating up
some frozen bagel pizzas.

Ah, not while Deedee Chappel's
in town, you won't.

( sobbing ):
Oh, Mama!

Oh, watch the hair, dear!

Well, we might as well
get going, huh?

Joe, would you be a dear
and get my bag for me?

Sure.

Oh, Casey, that is
a gorgeous blouse.

Oh, thanks, Mom.
And believe it or not,

I got it in a shop
right here on Nantucket.

Oh, you're kidding.
You'll have to show me.

Okay.
Oh.

Actually, I-I can show you

because I-I showed her
where the shop is.

( upbeat theme playing )

( upbeat theme playing )

How many chicken wings
have you eaten?

Twenty.

Twenty-two.

Got room for
chicken and dumplings, huh?

Bring it on!

Just like Sunday dinner
back home in Italy.

Who wants chitlins?

Antonio, you've been so good
to help me all night long.

Now why don't you
go sit down and eat?

I will sit and eat
when Mama sits and eats.

Oh, ho. Mama's got
work to do in the kitchen.

Then I will help you.
Oh.

I've had migraines
that were easier to get rid of.

Oh, boy, this dinner
is incredible.

It's so great having
your mom back.

It's just like old times.
When do we get the check?

Joe, the check
is not important.

That $10,000 only means

that I am as important
to her as Casey.

We're back.
Me and my shadow.

And this time
we've got fritters.

Oh, God.
Fritters.

You got a problem
with that?

Mama, stop serving
and sit down.

I wanna hear all your ideas
about my wedding.

Oh, honey, we've got
plenty of time for that.

Anybody try my butter beans?

You know, I only hope
we can afford

to have a delicious dinner
like this at our wedding.

Caterers are
so expensive nowadays.

So I hear.

Hear what?
Oh.

Uh, give me a little space
will you, honey?

You know, we really haven't
decided on a date yet.

But we're thinking about June.

Well, June's fine, dear.
June's--

Oh! Uh-oh, uh-oh.
I see two empty plates.

What do you
think of June?

Well, June's fine, dear.

But the wedding isn't important.

It's how much
you love each other.

Now you take Casey and Stuart.

Huh?!

Uh, still in France.

Well, I was talking
about my wedding.

I know, dear. Excuse me,
I forgot my biscuits and gravy.

I told you she didn't
come here to see me.

She only cares
about you and Stuart.

Yeah. By the way, when are you
gonna tell her that Stuart left?

How can I?
You see how she loves him.

She'll burst into tears.

You wanna see tears,
you watch this face

when I don't get
a full open bar.

Biscuits and gravy
coming up.

( humming )

That's not the only thing
coming up.

Um, Mama?
Hm?

I'm so excited to hear all
your plans about the wedding.

You know,
m-my wedding.

My wedding to Joe.

Joe and Helen wedding.

We've got plenty of time
for all of that.

Oh, Casey,
did you ever pick out

that wallpaper
for the dining room?

Oh, Stuart's looking
for some in France.

You know, Mom,
I'm getting married soon.

So do you have anything
to tell me, or ask me, or--?

Give her?

Well, I was thinking
of doing this later, but--

You know,
when we were alone.

But, it's uh...

Here, it's not much.

Aah! Oh, my God.
Look, everybody.

My mom
gave me an envelope.

Oh, Mama, you don't know how
special this makes me feel

that you'd come all
the way down here--
H-Helen.

--to give me this check for--
Helen.

--$83.

( clinking )
Brava, Mama, brava!

Well, honey,
I wanted it to be more.

It's just that I--

Well, I have
to tell you something.

I-- I mean, I don't know
really how to say this.

You see, when
I left home this morning

I had $10,000
to give to you and Joe.

So, what happened to it?

Yes, well, see,
I couldn't get a--

A direct flight
to Boston,

so I had, like,
this layover in Las Vegas.

You gambled away
my wedding?

DEEDEE:
I'm just so embarrassed
about it all.

I mean, that's why I couldn't
face you all night long.

I-- I just felt so stupid.

Can you ever forgive me?

Mom, it doesn't matter.
It's only money.

Yeah.
It's only Helen's money.

Of course,
if it was Casey's money

for Casey's wedding,

well, then,
that would matter.

She didn't do it on purpose.

It's easy for you to say.

She never would have gambled
away your wedding.

You stop acting like a child.

Me? You're the one
that won't tell her

your husband left you.

Casey, is that true?

Stuart's not in France.

Oh, honey,
I'm here for you.

You tell Mama
what happened.

Helen.

Helen.

( somber theme playing )

( upbeat theme playing )

Wow, Roy!

That T-shirt is you.

Oh. So how was she?

Oh, she was amazing.

Oh-ho-ho. Perfection!

I bought every memento
I could get my hands on.

The, uh, Barbra T-shirt
and Barbra hat, of course.

( chuckles )

The Barbra coffee mug. Heh.

How did, uh--?
How did Fay like it?

Uh, ahem. She--
She liked it fine.

Ooh, look, look:
the Barbra notepad.

Roy Biggins.

There you are, Cochran.
Heh-heh.

Boy, I tell you,
I was really worried

when I couldn't
find you last night.

I waited outside for you
at intermission

but you never showed up.

So then I tried to
get in to look for you.

Do you know what
they do to people

who try to get into the concert
without a ticket?

Calm down. Fay, Fay,
I can explain everything.

They lock you in a little
cement room under the stadium.

I spent six long hours
in that room

with two Streisand
impersonators

and a guy selling unlicensed
Barbra press-on nails.

ROY:
Fay, no! No, stop!

Fay, no! Oh, no!
No, no, Fay!

Did you, uh, hear what happened
to the Celtics last night?

Oh, yeah.
They lost.

What was the score?

They lost by 20.
( whistles )

( Roy groaning )

Don't even ask
where the notepad is.

Uh, I'm never gonna
take another bite of food

as long as I live.

Why the hell did you stuff
yourself like that?

Hey, Lowell
threw down the gauntlet.

I just poured gravy on it
and ate it.

( groans )

( grunts )

Say, Brian.

How you feeling
this morning?

Uh...little hungry.

How about lunch?

I had lunch
for breakfast.

Oh, no.
Helen's not here.

I was hoping
I could say goodbye.

Tsk. Boy, did I
screw this trip up.

Oh, come on, Mom.

I'll go take care
of your ticket, okay?

Thanks, honey.

Hi, boys.

I'm leaving a little earlier
than I expected

and I've got something
for you.

Here we are.

Some nice, big
fudgey brownies.

Mm.

I'll miss you. Hm.

Oh, God.

What was that?

I said, "Oh, God."

I'm full.

There's no shame in that.

No, Mama.
Please don't go.

Oh. Son, you've gotta
get yourself a girl.

No kidding.

So you're leaving?

Yeah, I just...
I don't know what else to do.

She won't return my calls,

so I think
it's just best if I go.

I'm sorry about
the wedding money, Joe.

Oh, hey. Don't--
Don't worry about it.

We don't need much.
No champagne waterfall,

no Viking ship...

( sighs ):
No nothing.

Here, Mom. You're all set.

Oh, thanks, honey.
I love you.

I love you.

Oh, honey, listen to me.

Now, about Stuart.

You're gonna
be just fine without him.

You just go back to doing what
you did before you got married.

I lived with you and Daddy.

Oh. Well,
don't listen to me.

What do I know? Heh.

How could you gamble
away my wedding?

Oh, jeez. You scared
the hell out of me.

I thought you were
that Antonio person.

I deserve an answer.

Oh, honey. Don't you think
it's k*lling me?

Your father and I saved for
years to give you that money.

And it was a horrible,
stupid mistake,

and I don't know
to make it up to you,

but somehow
I'll get you that money.

Mama, it's not
about the money.

Then what?

Never mind.

You have
a plane to catch.

Um, say hi to Dad
and have a nice flight.

No, honey,
forget about the flight.

Now, why don't we just
go inside and sit down?

Everything will look better
over a nice piece of pie, hm?

Is food your answer
to everything?

No wonder I was such
a fat little kid.

Oh, you weren't fat.

Oh, Mom, I was 4'6"
and 130 pounds.

Daddy was only 140.

How could you
let me get fat?

Why wouldn't you
let Casey get fat?

Oh, honey, I don't know.

It was genetics,
metabolism...

She said "no"
once in a while.

Of course she did.
She was perfect.

I didn't say that.

Well,
you didn't have to.

It was obvious from the way
you treated her.

You were always
fussing over Casey.

Fixing her hair,
working with her clothes.

Yeah, but she always liked
those little girls' clothes.

You were my tomboy.

You were always outside
with the boys, Brian and Joe,

playing ball and
climbing in the trees.

I never saw you
except for meals.

Maybe that's why
I made such big ones.

So they'd last longer, hm?

Mm. You always have such
a neat answer for everything.

Helen, what do
you want from me?

I wanna know why
you love Casey more than me.

Is that what you think?

Don't you?

Well, of course not.

I don't even know
how you can say such a thing.

I love you both the same.

You didn't treat us the same.

Well, why would I?

Oh, you're different people.

Even when you were babies.

From day one,
Casey needed me all the time.

She was always holding
her little arms in the air,

wanting to be picked up.

You were my independent kid.

( chuckles )

I think your first words
were "back off."

And it didn't matter
what you were doing.

If I wanted to help you,
you'd just push me away.

M-Maybe you should
have tried a little harder.

Maybe I should have.

My God, Helen.
Look how angry you are.

I never realized
that I was such a bad mother.

Oh, I didn't say that, Mama.

Just this is
the first time in five years

you've been to Nantucket.

You always go visit Casey.
Why is that?

Well, because Casey invites me.

You're my mother. You're--
You're always invited here.

Oh, am I? I--
I wasn't sure.

Sometimes a person
needs to be asked.

Um, if I invited you now,
would you stay?

I might.

Uh, you are gonna ask me,
aren't you?

( chuckling )
Oh-oh-oh, ho-ho.

Oh, honey, honey, honey.

Hm.

Come on.

My first words
were really "back off"?

Well, I think
they were "more pie."

Oh, Mama, you came back!

Uh-huh.

Don't turn around.
Just keep walking.

( upbeat theme playing )

Cochran's not waiting
for me outside, is she?

Don't know.

We haven't moved
for eight hours.

I'll race you
to the parking lot.

Alrighty.

On your mark...

get set...

go.

Slowpoke.