06x10 - The Wrong Stuff

[bunniefuu]

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Hey, Hackett,
there's a rumor going around

that you are leasing
a second plane.

Yeah, that's right Roy.

We're expanding our operation.
What's wrong?

You afraid of a little
friendly competition, huh?

Let me tell you something,
Sparky,

there is no such thing
as friendly competition.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You can't scare us, Roy.

BRIAN:
Oh, man. What--?

What does he think
he's gonna do, huh?

Your attention.

Aeromass is pleased
to announce

its new Economy fare
to Boston: only 39.95.

Announcing Sandpiper Air's
new Super Saver fare to Boston:

a low 29.95.

Aeromass to Boston:
only 19.95.

Sandpiper:
9.95.

Aeromass: 9.95

and your companion flies free.

Sandpiper:
everybody flies free!

Wow.

Hey, I don't know what
you're doing, Brian,

but whatever it is,
keep it up.

( upbeat theme playing )

Casey, what's wrong?

Oh,
my whole body hurts.

I went to the gym
for the first time in months.

I guess I overdid it a little
on the free-weights.

Oh. Well, you know, in my day
women didn't go to the gym.

We didn't have weights.
We didn't have aerobics.

Well, how'd you stay
in shape?

Did you ever try
to stuff your rear end

into a Platex Living Girdle?

Now that was a workout.

Aeromass Flight 33
to Hyannis

is now ready
for boarding.

And don't forget
your complimentary Waterpik.

( sighs )

He's k*lling us
with these promotions.

You know, I can't believe
that anyone would actually fly

Aeromass to get
a free Waterpik.

Well, obviously
you've never known

the heartbreak of gingivitis.

You know, Joe...

it's a little awkward,

you know,
working for you and Roy

when you guys are
in the middle of this feud.

I just want you to know
where my loyalties lie.

Thanks, Lowell.
I appreciate it.

So you giving away
any good free stuff?

No.
See ya.

You know, Roy,
it's always a little awkward

working for you--

Have another Waterpik.

A little quiet
over here Hackett.

Who d*ed? Heh-heh.

Oh, that's right.
Your business.

Look, for your information,
Roy,

Sandpiper customers
are loyal customers.

They're not gonna
be driven away,

no matter how many stupid
little gifts you give them.

Announcing the arrival

of Sandpiper Flight 2
from Boston.

Tha--
That's Flight 2?

Whe--
Where are all the passengers?

Arriving on Aeromass

with their free
point-and-sh**t cameras.

( chuckles )

Uh, we have to talk.

You're right. Brian, round up
all the Sandpiper employees.

Sure thing.
Come on, Fay, let's go.

I've given it a lot of thought

and I think I've come up
with a plan.

Now, just wait a second,
Brian.

I've been thinking
a lot about this too.

Here's how I see it.

The situation is this:

Roy has more capital than we do
so he can undercut our prices.

Is everybody with me
so far?

Gotcha.
All right.

The result of this
is that more people are flying

on his airline than are flying
on our airline.

Which means that very shortly
we will go out of business.

Yeah? And?

Uh, that's it.

I just thought
a little recap might help.

Well, now that we're up
to speed,

would you like to hear
a real solution?

I'm sorry I'm late.

I heard there was a meeting.

Yeah, I-I'm sorry, Helen.

Uh, we're sort of in the middle
of, uh, Sandpiper business.

Uh-huh.
What's our plan?

"Our plan?"

Well, yes,
I'm gonna marry Joe,

so, you know, I'd naturally
have an interest

in the future of the airline.
Yes. Yeah, I know you do--

She doesn't want
to get involved.

She just wants to listen in.

Oh, okay. Well, that's what
they said about Yoko Ono.

So how are
we gonna b*at Roy?

Uh, I have a plan.

Sweetie,
didn't you have an idea?

What, to put you
on our next album?

( whispering indistinctly )
Oh! All right, all right, yeah.

Um, well, you know that we
should, uh, not compete with Roy

and his frills and just
concentrate on being who we are.

Get back to basics.

Oh, back to basics!
I like that.

Well, I hate
to break it to you,

but we never left basics.

Basically,
we're a bus with wings.

Well, do you have
a better suggestion?

( British accent ):
As a matter of fact, I do, love.

( normal voice ):
One way to get an edge,

To really get
an edge over Aeromass

is to have
a distinctive personality.

And how do we get that
distinctive personality?

With a celebrity spokesperson.

I have a cousin who says
she knows Emmanuel Lewis.

Really?

No, I was thinking of someone
who is, you know,

synonymous with flight,

like, say, oh,
a former astronaut.

Perhaps Charles "Ace" Galvin?

Oh, dear.
That's a great idea.

Yeah-- But why stop there?

I mean, while we're at it,
why don't we get

the queen of England or--
Or the pope?

( whispers indistinctly )

Or Mother Teresa?

I'm serious about this, Joe.
I really am.

I've already made inquiries,
and it turns out that "Ace"

is available for endorsements.

All we have to do is pay
his expenses,

and he'll come look us over.

No-- R-really?
Yes!

Y-you're not kidding me?

I mean, "Ace" Galvin?
Oh, come on.

JOE:
That would be amazin--
He--

He's one of the reasons
I got into flying.

The guy's a national hero.

( whispers indistinctly )

Uh, but is he, um, necessarily
the person that we want?

You're right.

I mean, who in their right mind

would want an American legend
endorsing their airline?

( whispers indistinctly )

Oh, would you stop that?
That's so annoying.

Okay, fine,
I'll just say it.

I mean, do you really want
to risk every cent you have

on some celebrity?

He's-- He's not
just a celebrity, Helen.

This--
The man has walked on the moon.

He is an institution.

His face is on a box
of cereal.

Ooh, I love that cereal!

It's got wheat on one side,
corn on the other,

it's crispy,
it never gets soggy.

Joe, Joe...

Listen, when we became
partners, okay?

We always said that we would
decide everything together.

Right? We wouldn't--
We wouldn't make a move

unless we were both on board,
we would always agree.

So if you don't think
this is a good idea,

I'll drop it right now.

You already called him,
didn't you?

He's right outside, man.

Everybody,

I'd like to introduce

Lieutenant Colonel
Charles Galvin.

Just call me Ace.

We get to call him Ace.
( giggles nervously )

( upbeat theme playing )

Colonel, this is my brother,
Joe Hackett.

Hello.

Very nice to meet you...Ace.

( chuckles )

Oh, uh, and this is, uh,
my fiancée, Helen Chappel.

This is a pleasure.

Oh, no, the pleasure is mine.

Okay, enough chitchat.

We're gonna need
an out clause if business

does not increase 10 percent
in the next six months.

Control your woman.
Yeah. Uh...

Ace, heh,

I-I'll never forget what
you said when you first walked

on the moon:

"It's one small step for man..."

I think you have me mixed up
with Neil Armstrong.

Oh.

Which one are you again?

Uh, Ace, why don't you, uh,
come right this way,

we'll--
We'll show you around.

Hey, Antonio,
what are you reading?

Ah, it's this fascinating
article called,

"How to Tell
if a Woman's Flirting."

I-it's about the little ways
they use body language,

you know, t-to show
if they're interested in you.

Look at this, see?

They touch their necks,
t-they lick their lips.

You know, hm?

T-they cock
their heads invitingly,

and--
And if they really like you,

they-- They arch
their backs to--

To accentuate their,
you know, breasts.

Oh, my God.
Huh?

My cousin Bevo
has been coming on to me.

Hi, Casey.

Oh, hi, Antonio.

H-how are you today?

Oh, ah!
I should be in bed.

Oh, ho-ho-ho!

Oh, ho-ho-ho.
See ya.

Ooh.
What a little tease.

Well, Ace, that is, uh,
pretty much the whole operation.

I guess it seems
pretty small to you, huh?

No, not at all.

That's a damn fine twin engine
you've got out there.

You should be damn proud.

Ah, we are proud.
Damn proud.

Hey-- Hey, wait a minute.

You are Charles Galvin,
aren't you?

Just call me Ace.

Ho-ho, I'm Roy Biggins.

Mind if I call you Big?
( laughing )

Oh, sir!
This is an honor.

What brings you to Nantucket?

Uh, well,
the boys here.

He's going
to endorse Sandpiper.

You're kidding.

That's right.

And, uh, when he does,

you can kiss
your Aeromass goodbye.

Aeromass, eh?

So you're the guy giving away
the free Waterpiks.

Yeah.

Let me tell you something, pal.

Gimmicks are no substitute
for good old-fashioned

American service
like you get here at Sandpiper.

How'd you like
a point-and-sh**t camera?

Love one.

Wow, Ace Galvin.

I-I never thought
I'd be standing here

shaking your hand, sir.

My pleasure, son.

I-- I never thought I'd be
standing here, hearing you say,

"My pleasure, son."

That's quite all right.

I-I never thought
I'd be standing here...

Lowell, Lowell.

Uh, Ace this is Lowell,
our chief mechanic.

You remind me of Buzz.

Right. Buzz Aldrin.

No, Buzz Thompson.

He lost oxygen
during training.

Spent the rest of his time

playing Ping-Pong
with the chimps.

I like monkeys.
( chuckles )

Uh-huh.

Well, boys, what do you say

we take that plane of yours up
and see what she'll do?

Really?

I-I mean, you know,
you're one

of the most famous pilots
in the world.

You can fly anything you want.

Oh, not since I lost
my license.

See, I kind of borrowed
a Tomcat.

And then I misjudged my landing
and wound up setting her down

in Dollywood.

The moral is: never let
a hooker be your navigator.

Can I quote ya?

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Look down here
over to your left,

you'll see the, uh,
Great Point Lighthouse.

It was built in 1785.

Came down in a storm,
they had to rebuild it.

Yeah, this all
must seem pretty dull

compared to outer space, huh?

What, are you kidding?

Space was duller than him.

We had to find ways
to liven it up.

Really? Like what?

Well, one time I filled
a condom with Tang.

sh*t it out the air lock.

( laughing ):
That's-- That's cool.

Yeah, what a guy.

But you know what
the most fun was?

When the mission commander
was trying a docking maneuver,

I'd sneak up behind him
and do this:

( gibbering )
Ah! Ah.

( laughs )

( laughing ):
That's excellent!

Well, uh, Ace, I guess

what most people remember
though is

when you landed on the moon
and you knelt down

and prayed for peace
in our galaxy.

Actually, I was putting
down fake dog poop

for when the Russkies showed up.

( laughing ):
That's outstanding!

( laughing )

Come on, grandma,
you fly this thing

like we've got
speed bumps up here.

How 'bout, um,
I give it a sh*t?

Uh, I want to sit
up front with Ace.

Now, Lowell--
Lowell.

ACE:
Come on, let the kid sit
with the big guy.

Thanks, Ace.

So, uh, Ace, uh--

( stammers )

Joe and I, uh, just want to say
that it would be a--

A real honor,
not to mention a lifesaver,

if you would agree
to endorse Sandpiper.

Well, I don't just lend
my name to, uh, anything.

The name Ace Galvin
is synonymous with class.

Hey, that cloud looks
like a giant boob.

A big boob!

( Ace laughs )
Uh...

Uh, Ace, you've got a--
A 707 right up there.

Listen, kid, I've got to tell
you that you have not lived

till you've partied in space.

Uh, A-Ace, looks we're right
in his flight path.

Most of my third mission
I had a hangover.

Yeah, A-Ace,
we're right in his flight path.

And on my fourth mission
we made freeze-dried margaritas

that taste like crap,
but it gets you there.

( laughing )
BOTH: Ace!

( 707 roars past )

You guys never would have made
it through our training program.

Want to see what
I used to do to jumpy recruits?

No.
No!
Yeah!

Hold on, girls.

( all scream )
LOWELL: Outstanding!

( upbeat piano theme playing )

You guys look terrible.
Are you okay?

Oh, well, I was fine till
my stomach came out of my nose.

Ace Galvin is a maniac.

Not only did he almost k*ll us,

he is the most obnoxious man
I have ever met!

So, Brian, what happened
to your great big hero?

I threw it up
right after I ate it.

( laughing )

( muffled ):
Mm. That was great, Ace.

You know, I always wondered
what blacking out felt like.

( laughs )

I got to tell you guys,
that was a rush.

And I have decided
to endorse your airline.

So why don't you just
draw up a little agreement

and bring it over
to the hotel tonight.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I gotta go
and jettison some excess fuel.

Okay, so you've had your fun
with your little astronaut.

Let's get down
to business.

I don't think you want a jerk
like that as your spokesman.

I know Ace
is a little spirited--

What? "A little spirited"?

He flew alongside
a 747 so Lowell

could moon the people
in first class.

No, Helen,
you are absolutely right.

Look, I-I don't want him
representing my airline.

Make him go home.

Excuse me, you're--
You're Ace Galvin, aren't you?

Wow, Sean, this is one of
America's great space heroes.

Well, thank you, sir.
I appreciate that.

It means a lot to me.

Because you know, son,

pride is what
the space program's all about.

Really.

There's pride
in the job we do.

Pride in being part of the team.

And it's exactly that kind
of teamwork that I see every day

among the men...

and women...

right here at Sandpiper Air.

Believe me,

that is a team...

that I am proud
to be a small part of.

( indistinct chatter )

See you at the hotel, boys.

We'll be there,
good buddy.

( upbeat theme playing )

Brian, I really had
my doubts about Ace,

but when I saw the way
he charmed those people

this afternoon,
I've got to tell you

I'm-- I'm sold.

What did I tell ya?

He's just the image
Sandpiper needs.

( door opens )

( rock music playing
over speakers )

( indistinct chatter )

What the hell is all this?

JOE:
Do you realize
we're paying for this?

Oh, come on. It's just--
Just a little party.

Champagne?
I'm not paying for that.

Holes in the wall?
I'm not paying for that.

ACE:
Yeah. Yeah, yes, I know
it's 8.50 a minute,

but I wanna talk
to a redhead!

JOE:
Believe me,

I-I'm sure as hell
not paying for that.

Hey, trust me, Joe,
this is worth 8.50.

Look, uh, Ace,
we've got to talk.

Please, just call me Ace.

W-what the hell's
with the holes in the wall?

It's gonna cost me a fortune.

Oh, simmer down,
Lucille.

I'm just trying
to teach my pal here

how to play
dry-wall roulette.

Oh, it's great.

Yeah,
you just run at the wall

and smash into it
with your head.

Right. You know you really
only have a one in six chance

of actually hitting
a stud.

Hence, you know--
H-hence, the name "roulette."

But if you hit a stud,
couldn't it k*ll you?

Hey, it's like Ace says,
"You got to live fast,

die young and leave
a flat-headed corpse."

Yeah! All right, Sparky,

you ready to play again?

Hey, I am.
Let's do it.

Hey, anything to take my mind
off this headache.

Wait, uh, guys--

Ready?

Guys, don't--
Don't--

Blast...off!
Off!

JOE:
Aw, come on, guys--

He's a maniac!

Joe, Joe, Joe,
Joe, relax, relax.

No, he is a big, crude,
horrible man, and I hate him.

But the public loves him,
and that's what counts.

Listen, as soon as we get
the signature on this contract,

it'll all be worth it.
ACE: Ladies!

Do you want to see
my moon rocks?

Ah, Ace, Ace!

Say, uh, listen,

I-I know you're busy and, uh,
you're probably going off

to do something that
I don't want to know about,

but, uh, listen,

if you could you just put
your signature down

on this contract, we'll--
We'll be out of your way.

Oh, boys.
No can do.

This is a conflict of interest.

With--
With what?

ROY:
Hey, hey, guys.
Heh-heh.

Roy, what--?
What are you doing here?

Oh, I just came by
to hoist a few

with the new spokesman
for Aeromass Airlines.

What? What?!

Wait a--
What happened to, uh--?

To all that stuff
about pride and teamwork?

All that other stuff?

Well, I'm sorry, boys,
but I got to thinking

about it, and I realized
that Aeromass

could give me something
that you couldn't.

What?
Twice the money.

And, uh,
a slightly used Lexus.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

there's a young lady
in the other room

who insists that I need
a severe spanking.

( chuckles )

So, uh, Aeromass
will get bigger, and, uh,

we'll just go out of business.

Nothing to get sore about,
it's just money.

Yeah, right.
( exhales )

It's only money.

You ready?

JOE:
Yeah, I'm ready.

BOTH:
Blast off!

( crash )

( all cheer )

( upbeat piano theme playing )

( aircraft roaring
in distance )

Hi, Casey.

Oh, hi, Antonio.

Um, Antonio...

Hm?

( laughs )

Okay, baby.

Why don't we stop playing games.

I think we both know
what's going on here.

What?

I read you loud and clear.

Antonio?

What?

Huh?

You've got a big gob

of cream cheese
on your lip.

Don't you think I know that?

Attention, please.

Aeromass,
the airline of astronauts,

proudly announces
Flight 26 to Boston.

As Ace Galvin always says...

ACE ( recording ):
Fly Aeromass!

They're my kind of folks.

Man, I can't believe
we spent all that money on Ace,

and he turned on us.

Well, you're just lucky that
I'm not the kind of person

that would rub
your nose in it.

Though I told you not to get
involved with that jerk.

What the hell were you thinking?

Did everybody see my ad
in The Boston Globe?

This ad is running in all
the papers on the East Coast.

( Roy laughs )

Uh, hey, Roy.
ROY:
Yeah?

You didn't happen to read

the front page
of the paper, did you?

Ah, why read the front page?

My ad's on the back.

Oh, I thought this
might interest you...

"Astronaut dampens
White House ceremony.

"During a rose garden ceremony
to commemorate

"a new postal stamp
in his honor,

"former astronaut
Charles Ace Galvin

"shocked the White House
when he dropped his pants

"and proceeded
to urinate on Socks,

"the first family's
beloved pet.

"When taken away
in a straitjacket

"by the Secret Service,

"Galvin's only comment was,

'Fly Aeromass,
they're my kind of folks.'"

Blast off!

( thump )

Ooh!

Stud.

HELEN:
Sandpiper commercial.
Take three.

Action!

Hi. I'm Joe Hackett.

And I'm Brian Hackett.

We're not only the pilots
for Sandpiper Air...

But we're also...

BOTH:
...the owners!

BOTH:
Put yourselves in our hands.

Fly Sandpiper to Boston

this month and receive...

A free Sandpiper calendar.

Fly Sandpiper Air...

We'll get you there.