06x13 - Have I Got a Couple for You

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Wings". Aired: April 19, 1990, to May 21, 1997.*
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Two brothers, Joe and Brian Hackett, run a one-plane commuter service from a small Nantucket airport.
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06x13 - Have I Got a Couple for You

Post by bunniefuu »

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Ah. I'm sorry, Lowell.
I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

Can you just stop blaming
yourself, Antonio?

No, no, no, it's my fault,
and I'm-- I'm sorry.

Lowell, my goodness,
what happened to your hands?

Well...Antonio asked me

to change his spark plugs

in his cab and, um--

Well, you know that bar

that's supposed to
hold up the hood?

Yeah.
It didn't.

Yeah. I know,
I know.

I should've checked that,
and I'm-- I'm so sorry.

No. Oh, look, it's not
your fault.

No, he's right, Antonio.

Just because you tried to
save a few bucks

and have Lowell work on
your car for free,

that doesn't mean
it was your fault.

Just means
you're cheap.

I know. I am cheap.
I'm cheap and I'm sorry.

Nah, look, stop
b*ating yourself up.

I'm gonna be fine.

( plane flies overhead )

Please. Let me, okay?

Because, you know...

until those bandages
come off,

I'm gonna be
by your side.

I mean, I am going
to be your hands.

Yeah, well,
I appreciate that,

but really, I'm--
You know, I'm grown.

I can fend for myself.
I-- Huh-- Huh--

I--

( sneezes )

Wait for the blow.

( blows loudly )

( sniffles )
Okay.

Heh. You know.
Maybe--

Maybe I could use
a little help.

( lively theme playing )

So...what do you
wanna do tonight?

I don't know. What
do you wanna do?

I don't know.
What do you wanna do?

Uh, well, we could go
to a movie.

Oh. We did that
last night.

Uh, how about we go to dinner?

Again?

We could, um...
you know?

Hm. Yeah, but how long
will that take?

Hey, wait a minute.

( plane flying overhead )

( whistling )

Oh, hi, Brian.
Where are you going?

Well. Where else would I
be going on a Saturday night?

Flying to Boston
to do my laundry.

Boy. Your life's just
a nonstop Mardi Gras, isn't it?

( laughs )

Well, uh,
actually, see,

I'm gonna be going to
one of the hippest

new places in Boston,
The Laundro-Mate.

That's right.
It's a combination

laundromat/singles bar.

And, uh...

if I play my cards
right tonight...

I'm gonna get fluffed
and folded.
( laughs )

Oh, hell, I'm not doing
anything. I'll go with you.

Wait-- Uh-- Uh, excuse me?

You actually think
that I'm gonna

spend Saturday night with you?

What mood levelers
are you on?

Oh. Please take me
with you.

I've gotta get off
this island.

I am one lonely
Saturday night away

from inviting
the paperboy in for fudge.

Oh. All right. All right,
you can come.

And, uh, since you don't
have any laundry,

I'll show you what
a sport I am and...

let you wash my socks.

Told you it wouldn't
take long.

Hey, guys, um, were you
doing anything fun tonight?

Yeah. We're going to Boston
to do our laundry.

It's a combination laundromat/
singles bar thing.

It-- It's a lot cooler
than you think.

Well, actually,
it's not,

but, uh, we're bored,
we're desperate,

and we have nothing
better to do.

BOTH:
Can we come?

No. No, this is for
singles only.

You're a couple.

That's right. They don't
like your kind there.

Hey, come on, let's go.

First 25 customers
gets a free packet of Wisk.

Laundromat/singles bar.
( scoffs )

Boy, am I glad
those days are over.

Yeah, me too.

We don't need other people
to have a good time.

Hey, Fay, what are you
doing tonight?

Oh. Well, ac-- Actually,
I have wonderful plans.

There's a singles dance
at the senior center,

and I'm hoping to dance
with Lyle Porter.

Isn't he, like,
almost 80?

Well, yes. But once
those nitro pills kick in,

you try keeping up with him.

( sighs )

You know what
we need?

A life?
No. No.

We need to meet
some other couples.

Some people we have
more in common with.

Seems like everyone
we hang out with is single.

We know couples.
I know.

We can call
Sue and Gary.
( scoffs )

Yeah, sure. While you're
having fun with Sue,

I get to hear Gary
tell a story

of how he neutered
his own cat.

( sighs )
Okay, how about
Bill and Nora?

I mean, we always
have fun with them.

They're a great couple.
They're terrific.

They're getting divorced.
I saw that coming.

Come on, come on. There must be
some couple we know

that we could go out with.
Um, excuse me. Heh.

I couldn't help
but overhear.

And are you in luck.
Have I got a couple for you.

Who?

Uh...Scott and
Gwen Tucker.

I play cribbage
with Gwen's Aunt Mimi.

They're great.

Yeah, well, if
they're so great,

how come they're alone
on Saturday night?

Oh, uh, because they just
moved to the island.

What's your excuse?

Joe, I'm--
I'm telling you,

these are
wonderful people.

They've got great
personalities.

Great personalities.
You know what that means.

They're bow-wows.
Yep.

Oh-- Uh, that's okay.
If you change your mind,

I'll-- I'll be happy to
give you their number.

Thanks, Fay,
but, uh,

we don't need you
to set us up.

We're not
that desperate.

Hey, do you guys wanna
do something tonight?

Uh, sure.
Sure, I-- I'd love to.

But he can't.

Because tonight's
Saturday night,

and Saturday night is...?

What?

Bath night.

( mellow theme playing )

( sighs )
This was a big mistake.

We never should let
Fay set us up.

What if the Tuckers
turn out to be dorks?

We gotta have
an out plan.

Oh, that's
a good idea.

All right. I'll rub
my temples like this,

and then you ask me

if I'm having
one of my migraines.

Hey, you use that on me.

Um...well--
Well, for you,

it was a real
headache.

Boy, I hate meeting
new people.

What if we have nothing
to say to 'em?

Oh, don't--
Don't worry about that.

I got a great
icebreaker.

I'll tell my tepee joke.
( sniffs )

Your tepee joke?

Yeah. Yeah, you know,

the guy goes to
the psychiatrist,

says, "Doc, I'm a tepee,
I'm a wigwam.

I'm a tepee, I'm a wigwam."

Doctor says, "Your problem
is you're two tents."

You get it?
Get it, two--

Two-- Two tents?
Two tents.

( doorbell rings )
Oh, God, they're here.

Okay, now, Joe,
let's just

put on a good face,
okay?

Hey. They're
really cute.

Get away from there.
They're gonna see you.

Don't tell me
what to do--
Come here--

No, stop it! Come over
here. Stop it!

( speaks indistinctly )
No, you-- I am relaxed.

ALL:
Hi!

I'm Helen.
I'm Joe.

I'm Scott.
I'm Gwen.

And we're all here
to play Password.

( all laugh )

Take their coats, Joe.

Uh, here, let me
take your coat.

Welcome. Please come in.

Oh, your home
is beautiful.

HELEN:
Oh, well, thank you.

JOE:
So, uh,
we understand that

you're new to
our little hamlet.

Hamlet? Joe,
just act normal.

Yeah, we-- We decided we wanted
a better quality of life.

We had had enough of
the fast-paced big city.

Oh, where did you
live?

Fargo, North Dakota.

I-- I'm kidding.
New York.

BOTH ( chuckling ):
Oh.

She's funny.
Yeah.

Uh, so, Scott,
what do you do?

I'm a cardiologist.

Ooh.
Oh.

A doctor?

I understand you're a pilot.
Now, that sounds great.

I always wanted to fly.

We-- Hey,
any time you want to,

I'll be happy to
take you up.

Really? I can't wait.
Oh, before I forget.

This is for you.

Thank you.
Oh, thank you.

Wow. Oh, this is
beaut--

This looks like a great
bottle of wine.

It's sort of a hobby of mine.
I have a wine cellar.

Really? I'm impressed.

Hey, any time you want,
I'd be happy to take you down.

( all laughing )

Did--? Did--? Did you
hear that, Helen?

I said, "I'd be happy
to take you up."

He-- He said, "I'd be happy
to take you down."
Yeah.

You see what we did there?
Yeah.

I get it, Joe.
Just open the wine.

Oh-- Oh, okay.
I'll give you a hand.

Oh. Thanks,
Scott.

Oh, please,
my friends call me Tuck.

Oh, great.

( chuckles ):
Tuck.
( Helen scoffs )

I'm sorry about Joe.

Oh, that's okay.

He's probably just
a little overanxious tonight.

No. He's always like that.
( both laughing )

Just sorry about it.

Oh. About Scott and
his wine cellar, heh.

( laughing ):
Wine cellar.

It's six bottles of Chianti
in a Styrofoam cooler.

Oh, really?

So how long have you two
been married?

Uh, two years. But we've
known each other forever.

Oh. Yeah, so have Joe and I.

Yeah, well, we wanted to wait
until we knew it was right.

Yeah, so do we,
but we got engaged anyway.

( both laughing )

You know, Helen?
What?

I gotta tell you,
I was really kind of nervous

about coming here tonight.

Really?
Believe it or not,

we even had an out plan.

Oh. An out plan?
Yeah.

Oh, God, what in
the heavens is that?

( both laughing )

Two tents.
Yeah.

That is
hysterical.

Honey, wait till
you hear this joke.

Yeah.

Aren't they great?
I love them.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Potato.

Mm. And potato.

And...potato.

Okay. All right.

( plane flying overhead )

Pea.

Pea.
Ugh.

Lowell...

potato, potato,
potato, pea, pea--

For God's sake. Who--?
Who eats like this?

I do.
( scoffs )

I don't like to
confuse my taste buds.

First, I like to have
the entire potato experience.

Then, I move over to--

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I got it. I got it.

Pea.
Ugh.

Pea.
Ugh.

Lowell. There--
There are no more peas.

That's not what I meant.

Oh, Lowell...

Helen, this soup is delicious.

Oh, good. You know,
I got this recipe

from Gwen Tucker when
we were out last night.

Oh. That's the third time
this week

you've been out
with the Tuckers.

Oh, is it? Gosh,
I didn't even realize.

The days just seem to
drift into one another.
Oh.

I'll never forget
my first couple, the Krupnicks.

George and I met them
at the stamp-and-coin show.

Sid was a stationery salesman,
Betty was a notary public.

Oh, those were wild times.

I'll never forget
my first couple.

Oh, were they
Sylvia's friends?

Who said anything
about Sylvia?

Uh, so who was the foursome?

Who said anything
about a foursome?

Brian, please--
No.

Brian...
No! No.

You couldn't get me to go
back to the Laundro-Mate

if you dragged me
by the tongue.

Listen, if you wanna
go back there,

go by yourself, all right--?

Oh, please. What,
everyone knows a lady

doesn't walk into
a laundromat/bar unescorted.

Yes. A lady also
doesn't open her dryer

for just any guy with
a roll of Bounce.
Oh-ho.

You're just jealous because
I got all the attention.

Oh, yeah-- Oh, sure. There's
tons of competition, you know.

It was either you
or a 300-pound woman

who was washing her party dress
in the heavy loader.

You have to
take me back.

Look at you.

You've turned into a--
A laundry slut.

Helen.
Yeah.

Listen...I talked to
my friend, Larry.

He's gonna
lend us his cabin

in Vermont
for the weekend.

You know what
I'm thinking?

Let's invite the Tuckers.
Exactly.

I mean, uh, they like all
the same things we do, you know?

Hiking, skiing,
my tepee joke.
Oh.

No, wait a minute.

Maybe it's too soon
to go away with them.

What are you
talking about?

Well, if we go
away with them,

they'll see our bad sides.

You know, like that, uh,
pleasant scratching thing

that you do in the morning?

Helen, all guys scratch
in the morning.

If you slept with a few
more men, you would know that.

Uh, for-- Forget
I said that.

Look, c-- Come on,
we'll have a great time.

I don't know--

Oh, Helen, come on.
Helen, a weekend in Vermont.

A snow-covered cabin.
A roaring fire.

The Tuckers.

Let's do it.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

There was a farmer had a dog
And Bingo was his name-o

B, I...
( claps three times )

B, I...
( claps three times )

B, I...
( claps three times )

And Bingo was his name-o

There was a farmer
Had a dog, and--

Okay. Uh, sorry,
Lowell Jr.,

but, uh, we'll have to
call you back.

Well...that-- That
wasn't Lowell Jr.

That was my Uncle Wally.

( laughter )

Oh. Welcome back.

ALL:
Hi!

How was
the weekend?

Oh, man, we had
such a good time.

We went cross-country skiing.
We hiked up in the snow.

We made these
really big meals.

And you know what
the best part is?

We did everything together.
Oh.

Everything.
( chuckles )

Yeah. I mean,
after this weekend,

I feel like I've known
these two, well, forever.

Does seem
like that.

( Joe
chuckles )

Oh. And for the woman
who made it all possible,

just a little
something

from the four of us
to say thank you.

Oh.
Thank you.

I don't know what to say.
How thoughtful.

Oh. Vermont maple syrup.

So...

four people
chipped in for this.

For syrup. Thanks.

Boy, you know what? Uh,
we really better get going.

I've got hospital rounds
in the morning.

Great.
Hey, uh, so,

what do you
wanna do Saturday?

I know. We can go bowling.
Or dinner?

HELEN:
Or both.

Uh-- Sounds great.
We'll call you.

Yeah. Yeah,
we'll call you.

Well, Gwen,
it was a great weekend.

Yeah.
Hey, thanks

for a great
weekend, buddy.

See you later.

Bye, guys.

Call us.

( plane flying overhead )

That was weird.

Gwen usually hugs me
a little longer than that.

Yeah. Since when does Tuck
just shake my hand

like I'm a total
stranger?

I hope everything's okay.

Oh, what are we doing?
Uh, yeah.

You know what? We're just
reading into things

because we
like them so much.

You're right. You know what?
Everything is fine.

You're getting dumped.

What are you
talking about?

The Tuckers love us.

You're getting dumped.

Trust me.
I know the signs.

The hug that doesn't last
quite as long.

The noncommittal air when
discussing future plans.

The phone number
that's...

disconnected.

The electrified fence...

the att*ck dogs...

the subtle cocking of a shotgun
when you've finally made it

to the front door!

Heh. Come on, haven't
we all been there?

( chuckles )

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Turn.

Turn.

Oh! Oh, jeez, I just
got a paper cut.

Ooh. I hate those.
Mm.

They sting like crazy.

Ah.

Turn.

Turn.

Look, Lowell, I-I--

I'm sorry, but,
you know, I-- I--

For the past three weeks,
you know,

I-- I-- I've done your job,
I've cleaned your house,

I've fed you,
I've bathed you.

I-- I've done everything
for you a man can do,

and still be able to
call himself a man.

You know, I'm--
I'm sorry,

but, uh, I-- I just
can't do it anymore.

I-- I just can't.

Gosh, you know,
I don't blame you, Antonio.

You've been
a good friend.

Go on. Enjoy your life.

It's time I started
doing things for myself.

Thanks, Lowell.

Here. See there? You--

You're gonna do just fine.

Turn.

Turn.

Gum.

Hey, uh, Fay,
have you seen Joe?

Yeah, he's in the office.
BRIAN: Oh.

Well, it's Saturday night.
Where's your laundry?

( both chuckle )

Aren't you going to that
Laundro-Mate place?

Mm.
No. That was getting old.

You know, I was sitting
there at 2 a.m.

holding a tequila sh**t
and a box of Fab,

and I thought,
you know,

I don't need gimmicks
to get men.

All I have to do
is just be myself.
Yeah.

So where are you
two off to?

Temple Beth Shalom.

There's a mixer for
Jewish singles.

They're having
line dancing and cake.

Hey, you guys sure you don't
wanna come with Casey and...?

Ho, ho, ho. This--
This is pathetic.

Hey, don't tell me you're
actually waiting by the phone.

Uh, no, no.

( scoffs )
No. We're--

We're just, uh, uh...

relaxing after
a long week.

All right,
all right.

Face the facts.

It's Saturday night.
The Tuckers are not gonna call.

You don't know that.

Thi-- This is ridiculous.

You know, why don't you just
go and find another couple?

We don't want
another couple.

We want our Tuckers.

( sighs )
Well, okay.

But in case
you change your mind,

we'll leave your name at
the door with Rabbi Geller.

Shalom.

( sighs )
I don't know what's wrong.

I left at least a dozen
messages on their machine.

I know. I've been
beeping Tuck all week.

He doesn't answer.

Maybe they're out of town.

No. I drove by
their house before.

The lights were on.

I checked the mailbox.

It was empty.

Felt the hood of their car.
It was still warm.

Why didn't you just
go up to the door,

knock and say hello?

Didn't wanna seem weird.

Joe...

what if they don't call?

Don't say that.

You know, even if
they do call...

I don't wanna go out
with 'em now.

You know what?
You're-- You're right.

You know, we don't need them.
They can't do this to us.

No.
( phone rings )

Hey, Tuck? Tuck?

What? No. No.
Call back tomorrow.

Brian's in temple.

( plane flying overhead )

Fay, have there been
any calls for--?

Tuck? Gwen?
Uh.

Hey, Joe.
Hi, Joe.

Oh. Helen.
They're here.

Oh, we have been
mad at you.

What did you do, break
your dialing finger?

Well, uh--
Oh--

Oh, hell, the important
thing is you're here.

You two. You could have
picked up a phone.
Oh.

Helen, I'm really
sorry, but--

Don't you apologize. We could
never stay mad at you guys.

Yeah, so, hey, what are you
in the mood for tonight, huh?

Chinese? Italian?
Yeah.

Hey, sorry we're late, guys.

Did you pick up
the tickets yet, Tuck?

Tuck?

He-- He called you
Tuck.

Who are
these people?

What's--?
What's going on?

( gasps )
You're going away with them.

H-- How long
has this been going on?

Look, we didn't
plan for it to happen.

It just happened.

Come on. Can't we
still be friends?

Ha. How many lives have you
shattered with that line?

You used us.
And we gave you

some of the best weekends
of our life.

Oh, this must be
"Two Tents."

JOE:
That was our joke.

I suppose you gave 'em
a bottle of wine too.

Well, as a matter
of fact, I--

Why don't you guys go
wait for us on the plane?

We'll be right out.

Okay.

Well, I'd like to
know one thing.

What's wrong with us?

We're fun. We're cute.
We're peppy.

You wanna know
what's wrong?

You're too clingy.

You-- You're
too needy.

You like us too much.

Well, if liking you
is wrong...

I don't wanna be right.

Let's not make a scene.
Uh, hey, maybe we can

get together
in a few weeks.

Oh. You don't mean that.
You know, you led us on.

Oh, come on. We never said
we wouldn't see other couples.

It was understood.

I want my Michael Bolton
tape back.

Look, you're really
nice people.

I mean, you'll meet
another couple.

Oh-- Oh, please,
we don't need your pity.

Yeah, that is right.
We are quite a catch.

Look, maybe--

I think you'd better go.
Think so.

Okay, fine.

No, no, don't-- Don't go!
Wait, wait!

Look, it's over!

I-it doesn't have to be.
Um, we could change.

Yeah, I thought we were
gonna grow old together.

You people are nuts.
Will you leave us alone?

Yeah. And, you,
stop beeping me.

They'll be back.

Ah, who are
we kidding?

Tuckers are gone forever.

It'll be okay,
Helen.

Couples are
like buses.

There'll be
another one by any minute.

At least we have
each other, Joe.

Right. Yeah, we don't
need anyone else.

No.
Mm-mm.

Excuse me. Hi. Do you know
where we could find a taxi?

Are you two
new on the island?

Spot.

Hm. Spot.

Spot.
All right, look. Hold it

with the spots. I-I've got to
get another clean rag.

( cracks knuckles )

All right,
I got a rag.

Where were we?

Spot.
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