06x14 - Fools Russian

[bunniefuu]

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Good morning, Fay.

Good morning.

You seem upset.
Is everything okay?

Well, you know,
every few years my friends

from stewardess school get
together for a reunion,

and this year we're
holding it on the island.

Well, that doesn't seem so bad.

No, I know,
but here I am,

I'm on my own,
I don't have a husband...

I just wish I had something
to lord over them.

Oh, you mean, like some old man
with a little bow tie

to make a fuss over you?

No.

I mean,
like some buff young stud

who can't keep
his hands off me.

I'll do it.

You'll do what?

I'll be your hunka,
hunka burning love.

Well, I'm just not sure
if it would work out.

You mean, no one would believe
someone your age would go out

with a young guy
like Lowell?

No.

I mean, I'd just feel silly
going through some charade,

although my friend Myra
would turn green.

Oh, let's do it.

All right.

All right, now, listen,

in order for your friends
to believe

that we're really a couple,
you know,

there's some intimate details

that we need to know
about each other.

For instance, um,
are those your real teeth?

( upbeat piano theme playing )

It is freezing outside.

Oh, and in the dead
of winter too.

How unseasonable.

Now, that was just sarcasm
for no good reason, wasn't it?

Sorry.

Can I get you something
hot to drink?

Oh, no, it's two degrees out.

I'd like a snow cone.

It's like some weird
sarcasm virus going around.

Oh, right, Helen.

I'm sure that's exactly
what it is.

Uh, listen,
I've got an announcement.

It's a little thing,
so don't make a big deal of it.

Okay, what's up?

I'm getting married.

Uh-- What?
What?

BRIAN:
You're kidding.

Roy, so many questions
leap to mind.

Um, like,
where'd you meet her?

Uh, what's she like?

What kind of bet
did she lose?

I-I know this is kind of sudden,
but, guys,

I think
this is the real thing.

Oh...
Tsk.

This is the woman
I have waited for my whole life.

Um, how'd you meet her?

Through a Russian
mail-order catalog.

We haven't actually met yet.

You bought a bride.

It's not like that at all.

This is on the up and up.

This marriage was arranged
through an agency that finds

Russian brides
for single American men.

I took one look in that catalog,

and Anya just stood out like--

Like an angel.

"Anya." See?
Gave it a lot of thought.

Got halfway through the A's.

Hey, what's up?

Roy's marrying
a Russian mail-order bride.

Oh, I see, that's the game
we're playing, huh?

Yeah, the pope's outside
snow-blowing the sidewalk.

No, Joe, it's true.

What, really?

They're
from two different cultures,

they've never met,
and he doesn't have a chance.

I don't know.

Never met, she has
no idea what he's like?

I'd say
it's his only chance.

Uh, what does she look like?

Here's her picture.

She describes herself of being
of average height and weight.

All right, average.
Way to go, Roy!

Doesn't anyone
but me think this is crazy?

I can't imagine a more
inappropriate relationship.

Okay, Fay.

Now, then, ahem,

how many times a week
do we have sex?

Oh...

Well, uh, I'm not a kid anymore,
let's say seven.

Roy, even for you
this is insane.

She's right.

How can you think of using
a catalog to find a woman?

It's so impersonal,

it's so dehumanizing--
Hello, Nadia.

Take a look at Number 185.

Oh. Oh, I see.
That's her weight.

Roy, do me a favor,

take your time
and think about this.

Sure, but it can't take
any longer than two minutes.

Anya's flight just landed.

Roy, this is wrong
in so many ways,

it's hard to explain
without charts.

How do I look?

I've been eating salads
for the past few days.

You know how my weight tends
to yo-yo up and down.

( coughs )

Boy, those radishes
really stay with you.

I need to pop a Certs.

Figures it would take
the breakup of the Soviet Union

for Roy to get lucky, huh?

( Russian accent ):
Roy Biggins?

No. No, no, no.

Sorry.

Roy Biggins?

No. No, no, no.
No.

Sorry.

Uh, no, no, uh,
I'm not Roy either,

but, uh, listen,
do you know Ludmilla Blova?

Anya?

Roy Biggins?

Yeah, it's me.

I am Anya Volkova.

Pleased to make
your acquaintance.

Oh, no.

No, no, the pleasure is mine.

Uh, you're, uh-- You're even
prettier than your picture.

Heh. I'm, uh--

I'm sorry, mine must have
gotten lost in the mail.

No problem.

You are just as I imagined.

Even handsomer yet.

Really? Heh.

You're not disappointed?
Now, the truth.

Ah, good, Roy.

Give her every opportunity

to let out one
of those Fay Wray screams.

I'll just, uh,
take Anya to her hotel.

You're gonna take her
to a hotel?

She just traveled halfway
around the world all by herself,

she doesn't know anyone
in this country.

Um, excuse me, hi.

I'm Helen Chappel.

I'm a friend of--

I know Roy.

And, um, I would like
to invite you to stay with me.

Oh, that is very kind.

You approve?

Oh, yeah, sure, sure.
I'll, uh--

I'll pick you up tonight.
We'll go out.

It is acceptable.

"Acceptable"?

That's more enthusiasm
than he's used to.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Ooh.

Hey, Case.
Hi.

Oh, listen,
I'm sorry I sprung Anya on you

without even calling.

Just the thought of her
in a hotel room all by herself--

I mean, she's such a shy,
little mousy thing.

Oh, yeah.

How am I looking?

Wow!

That is gorgeous on you.

Yes. I am a real cupcake?
Yeah!

And, you know,
I have got a great bag

to go with that outfit.

And matching shoes?

And a cinch belt!

( both giggling )

Haven't we bonded?

This is so much fun.

I mean, this is like having
my very own life-sized Barbie.

Can we keep her?

Oh, it is all so exciting.

It is like dream.

Do you think my fiancé Roy
Biggins will like me this way?

Well, you're breathing.

For--

For Roy,
everything else is gravy.

I'm sorry?

N-nothing.

Listen, I-I wanted to ask you
a personal question.

Weren't there any wonderful men,
like Roy, uh, in your country?

Well, let me tell you a little
about village where I come from.

Ooh, I love stories
about quaint, faraway places.

Everyone is unemployed,
inflation is 2000 percent,

the ruble is kaput,
the Russian mob runs everything,

and the really lucky women

have husbands who come home
sober twice a week.

Uh-huh. Heh.

So how's the nightlife?

Uh, look, I-I get why you--
You want to leave,

but to marry
a total stranger?

Isn't there anything
else you can do?

L-like in my profession,

I could go anywhere in the world
and earn a living.

Oh, you are lucky.

All I have is doctorate
from Moscow University

in Art History.

Well, you know,
it's no short-order cook.

All I'm trying to say is:
is you may have some options.

Oh, I hear what you are saying,

but my fiancé, Roy Biggins,
is good man,

and I make solemn vow to him.

Well, I don't think
you really know him.

Oh, yes, I do.

From his faxes, I know him.

His fine mind.
His good deeds.

He reveres his mother,

and he has remained
celibate until marriage.

When you get married, don't you
want to marry for love?

Oh, Helen,
it's easy for you to say.

You have high school sweetheart,
that big bohunk Joe.

( doorbell rings )

But for me is different.

No, I am bound by honor
to marry my fiancé, Roy Biggins.

I think I'd have to be bound
and gagged to marry him.

Hi.
Yeah.

Yeah, hi.
Oh...

Where's Anya?
You--

Whoa-ho-ho-ho.

You are pleased?

( chuckling ):
"Pleased."

"Pleased" doesn't quite say it.

You are so elegant.

So, what do you say we go tie
on the old feedbag, huh?

Hey, Roy,
I've got a good idea.

Why don't you take her
to the Left Bank Café?

Oh, that artsy-fartsy place.

Why do we want to go there?

Because they have some lovely
paintings and Anya loves art.

Since when?
Since she got her doctorate

in Art History.

Art History?

I thought it was Archery.

The Left Bank Café sounds nice.

Oh, no, no, no.

I wanna to take you
to my special place,

the Casa Kielbasa.

You're gonna love it.

Sausages as big
as your arm.

Ah, even better.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Okay, Fay. Pop quiz.

Oh, no, Lowell,
not again.

Hey, your friends
are gonna be here tomorrow.

Now, if we're gonna be
a believable couple,

then we got to get
our story straight.

Okay, all right,
first time we met was:

A, the supermarket
checkout line,

B, church social,

C, Lollapalooza Two?

Look, Lowell,
we've been doing this all day.

Back off.

Fay, Fay.

So many walls.

Holy cow.

Is that the same girl?

Oh, my God.
She looks incredible.

I-I mean-- I mean, nobody
looks their best in a babushka.

HELEN:
Can you imagine

your only two choices in life
being Roy or Siberia?

I mean, one is cold,
vast and depressing,

and the other
is way the hell in Russia.

Hi, how are you doing?
Hi.

Apparently my fiancé, Roy
Biggins, is momentarily busy.

Would you like
some coffee?

Thank you.

Helen.

Oh, my, Renoir's
Dancing at Bougival.

This is one
of my favorite paintings.

Oh, this book is yours?

Uh, no.
Someone must have left it here.

Oh, look, it's from the Museum
of Fine Arts in Boston.

Oh, all these beautiful
paintings.

This Boston, is it far?

Oh, it's about an hour by air.

I'll fly you.

Oh, good.
It's still here.

Oh, this beautiful book
is yours.

I'm sorry.

Uh, that-- That's okay, if--

If you were enjoying it.

I love Renoir.

I guess we both go
for the impressionists.

But I am mad also
for the expressionists:

Klee, Kandinsky,
Jean Arp.

Oh, Arp. I love him.

( giggles )

I've always admired
the Dada school.

Hey, I guess you could say, uh,
your heart belongs to Dada. Heh.

Don't--
Don't get me wrong,

but you're an embarrassment
to our country.

Uh, by the way,
I'm-- I'm Evan Daniels.

I am Anya Volkova.

So pleased to meet you.

Oh, you know much about art.

Well, I teach Art History
at Boston University.

Oh.

You know, it's just
like a fairy tale.

The prince and the princess

and the romantic encounter
by the enchanted brook.

Oh, and I forgot about the ogre
who lives under the bridge.

Anya, this-- This may seem
terribly forward, but, uh,

I-- I'd love
to show you the museum.

Oh-ho, there's my girl.

Anya, I know how much you like
this artsy stuff

so I brought you
a little somethin'.

( sighs )

That is, uh...

unbelievable.

Who's this?

Oh, this is Evan Daniels.

He is art professor.

This is my fiancé,
Roy Biggins.

You're engaged.

That's right, pal.

Send away for one
of your own.

Well, uh, I'd better go.

Oh, wait, don't forget
your book.

You keep it.

It was extraordinary
meeting you, Anya.

Perhaps we'll
meet again someday.

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

( mouths ):
Goodbye.

Boy, you're lucky
you're engaged to me.

That's what's out there
in the dating pool.

I am so glad Roy saw that.

Now he's got to call it off.

Anya?
Yes?

We both know what, uh--
What's going on here.

Let's get married tomorrow.

I mean, we-- We couldn't
ask for a better rapport.

And the physical thing
is obviously happening, so...

So be it.

If it is to be done,
it best be done quickly.

You don't know
how long I've waited

to hear someone utter
those words.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Okay, Fay, your friends
are gonna be here any second,

we need to cram.

Oh, Lowell,

give it a rest.

We've been over this
a thousand times.

Yeah, and we're gonna go
over it a thousand more, missy.

Okay, now, then,

what's the biggest thing
I've ever found in my ear?

A Kadota fig.

Right.

Okay, when you connect
the freckles on my back,

what do you see?

Mount Rushmore.

Except for...?

Lincoln's nose.

Right.

And my favorite
snack food is...?

A Kadota fig.

Look, for God's sake, Lowell,

you have been following me
around day and night.

I need some breathing room.

It's like you're obsessed.

No-- It's-- It's--
It's over.

I don't want you to be
my boyfriend anymore.

( Lowell sighs )

Uh, all right now,
now, that's crazy talk.

Uh, now, listen, lamb chop--

N-no, I'm not your lamb chop,

or-- Or your honeybun,

or your "Sharona,"
whatever the hell that is.

But, munchkin--

No, it-- It-- It's over.

Okay, fine.

I've never felt so used
in my entire life.

Fay?

Oh, Myra. Heh.

Well, I can see you haven't let
the grass grow under your feet.

What?
Your boyfriend.

I'm impressed.

( laughing ):
Who, him?

Oh, no, he's-- Uh...

just a little souvenir
I picked up at Lollapalooza Two.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

( indistinct chatter )

All right,
how long do we have to wait?

It's past 1:00,
where are the bride and goon?

Hey, guys, thanks, uh--

Thanks for coming to share

the happiest day
of our lives with us.

Blow.

Waterproof mascara.

Are-- Are you all right?

Uh-huh. I am fine.

Is it not tradition
to cry at weddings?

Well, i-it is
if you're marrying Roy.

Okay!

Let the games begin.

We're, uh--
We're here to get married.

You're kidding.

Well, just fill out this form.

Let's see, uh, groom's name:
Roy Biggins.

Bride's name: Anya--
What is it again?

Volkova.
Right.
I knew that.

We're very close.

Any previous marriages?

Well, I'm not just gonna
sit here and watch.

Excuse me, sweetheart.

Um, Roy, could I just talk
to you a second?

No.
Great, thanks.

I can tell
what you're thinking.

Well, don't tell Helen.

Will you save your breath,
all right?

There is no way you're talking
me out of this.

No, I wouldn't dream of it.
Good.

I just have one simple question:

are you out
of your freakin' mind?

I'm not having
this conversation.

Yes, you are.

Okay. Okay.
What is it?

Okay.
Forget about Anya.

Why do you want to do this?

For a chance
at a little happiness.

And because I've fallen for her.

Oh, please, Roy.

It is true. It happened
the minute I saw her.

She is-- She's smart
and-- And she's classy,

not to mention beautiful.

I'm crazy about her.

And I think she feels
the same way about me.

( Anya sobbing )

Why do you want to spend
the rest of your life

with someone
you don't even know?

The truth?

There hasn't been anybody
in my life since Sylvia left me.

I am tired of watching
everybody else have a life.

And I go home to my dog

and my TV and my erotic
decanter collection.

( sighs )

What's going on?

Anya's in there
crying her eyes out.

She's afraid
you've run out on her,

or afraid
you're coming back.

Roy, don't do this.

You once had the real thing
with Sylvia.

I mean, don't give up
looking for that now.

You know in your heart
of hearts this is not right

and neither one of you
are gonna be happy.

You know, Chappel,
if it was anybody else

you would think
it was romantic.

Well, forget it.

This is right, and I know it.

I am gonna make that little lady
Mrs. Anya Vol-- Something.

--Biggins.

I'm sorry.

I don't usually behave
this way.

Oh, it's okay, baby.
Let it all out.

Joe, I-I think it's time
to give the bride away.

She's really upset.

Joe, give the bride away.

Uh-huh.

Anya, we're gonna remember this

as the most romantic day
of our lives.

Number 51.
You're up.

That's us.
You ready, baby?

Ready.

Roy Biggins.
Yes?

You have rescued me from a life
of desperation and poverty,

and I promise you, I--

Yes?

I will do everything
I can to make you a good wife.

Yeah, we're gonna
have a blast. Heh.

Ah, what the hell am I doing?

What?

I thought I wanted to give up
my swinging single life,

but I don't.

I got too many
wild oats to sow.

Baby, this wedding is off.

Really?

Yep. Like they say in Russian:
auf Wiedersehen.

But my fiancée visa
will expire and I must go back.

Hey, hey, that's not
my problem.

No, of course not.

But maybe it might be
some other guy's problem.

Maybe that art professor guy.

Oh, Roy Biggins.

( sniffles )

I will never forget you.

How far is Boston?

Well, we can be there
by 2.

( both giggling )

Have fun.

You know, uh, maybe I--
I should fly 'em.

Okay.

Ah, you're the best.

Roy, that was really something,
what you did.

Hey, how about you and me,
lunch, Casa Kielbasa, my treat.

Why not?
Might cheer me up.

Today's all-you-can-eat
schnitzel day,

they got a live polka band.

Yeah? Great.

"Dear Svetlana,
I feel we have much in common.

"Like yourself,
I have been a stevedore

"in the merchant marine,

"and if I may boast,

"I too can throw
a 16-pound hammer 200 feet.

"I'm sorry you had
to destroy your ox,

but I admire the fact that you
did it with your bare hands."

I'm kidding myself.

This woman is too good for me.