06x15 - Let's Call the Whole Thing Off

[bunniefuu]

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Lowell.

Lowell, it's 15 degrees out.

Why are you dressed that way?

I'm in training for the annual
Polar Bear competition.

Every February 11th,
the Polar Bears

jump into the icy
North Atlantic waters,

see who can stay
in the longest.

Why would anyone
in their right mind do that?

And I think
I just answered my own question.

LOWELL:
Hey.

Till you've stopped your heart
for three seconds

you'll never know
what it's like to be a real man.

Who's with me?

Well, uh,
I'm not so insecure

that I would ever
do something

so desperate to prove
that I'm a man.

I'll do it.

You know, just so Lowell
doesn't have to go alone.

Yes. Heh. Good luck, men.

Hey, come on, Brian.

Where are your cojones?

I guarantee
that jumping into ice water

is no way to find them.

So are you with me?
Yeah.

Then let's do it!
Yeah.

And we'll do it in the memory of
the late Larry McConnell.

Who's that?
Last year's champ.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Polar Bears
Are big and strong

Drowning's all
That can go wrong

Come on, Antonio,
sing it with me.

( muttering )

( imitating drill sergeant ):
I can't hear you!

Lowell, Lowell, do we really
need all this training?

W-why can't we just show up
at the ocean and jump in?

What? And have a heart att*ck
like Artie Krasnick?

Who's he?
The guy who trained me,

may he rest in peace.

I'll tell you one thing,
wherever he's resting,

I'll bet he's a lot
warmer than I am.

Listen, you wanna
be a real man,

you've gotta keep
your eye on the prize.

By the way,
what is the prize?

Uh, last year it was
a lovely bud vase.

Hey, listen, let's move on
to the next level of training.

Let's get our jocks out
of Helen's freezer.

Hey! Hey!

Come back here, missy!

Hey, everybody.
Hi.

We have a little
announcement to make.

Yes, after a lot
of consideration,

we have finally arrived
at a date for our wedding:

May the 27th.
Whoo!

W-wait, the 27th, that's
a bad week for a bachelor party.

It's the Garment Center
convention.

Where am I gonna find
a stripper?

Helen,
you know June would...

be just plain wrong.

Well, uh, you know, if you need
any help with the wedding,

I've been married three times
and I've done them all.

Uh, your large formal wedding,
your small intimate wedding,

your "wake up in Reno
next to a guy who claims

he's your husband" wedding.

Well, that was George the third,
and I learned to love him.

You've got three months
to plan your wedding?

My God, that's hardly
any time at all.

I mean, you're going
to need a band, and caterer,

and flowers, sex therapy--

Have I said too much?

I've just got
two words for you:

deviled eggs.

What about 'em?

Ah, ah, uh-uh.

Deviled eggs.

Look, I appreciate
everybody's help,

but it's not like I haven't
thought about my own wedding.

Yeah, we just wanna
keep things nice and simple.

Let's book the ballroom at the
Four Seasons Hotel in Boston.

It won't be
a big wedding,

just, ah, two or
three hundred people.

We really don't wanna
spend a lot of money.

And I'll walk down the aisle
in a designer dress

while a 20-piece orchestra
plays the "Wedding March."

While we're at it, why don't we
just call Barbra Streisand?

And let her sing
at the wedding?

No, to chip in.

Come on, Helen, all that
stuff's gonna cost a fortune.

A ballroom, orchestra--

All right,
all right.

It was just
a suggestion.

And the death
of a little girl's dream.

So you have
a better idea?

Well, yes,
as a matter of fact,

over the last few months

I have jotted down
just a few ideas.

BRIAN:
Oh, no, the binder.

Oh, the binder's back.

I haven't seen that thing
since we painted the house.

Thirty-two sections
to arrive at brown.

Hey, it was taupe.

Why did I go through
all that effort

if you still don't know
the difference?

He's your headache now.

Oh, he's got a whole section
in here on boutonnieres

broken down
by seasonal availability.

Why are all
the good men taken?

Now, Helen, if you'd
just turn to page 57,

I think you'll see where we
should have our wedding.

The Wailing Wall?
No.

No, no, no,
no, no, no, no.

You're in
the honeymoon section.

Wait a second...

Uh, believe me,
I've found the perfect place.

Really? Where?

My house.

No, really, where?

Oh, my God.
You're serious.

What, all these graphs
and pie charts

and you come up
with your house?

What kind of stupid
idea--?

Oh, okay, well,
all right, honey,

let's just not
talk about locations.

Let's move on to something
a little more fun.

Um, how about music?

Oh, music. Well, I know
just, um, who we should book.

Who?

A DJ.

What is wrong with that?

Well, that's my dream come true.

Walk down the aisle
with some guy scratching,

"Here comes the b-b-b-bride."

Look, Helen, if you're gonna
dump on every idea I have,

then why are we even ha--

Look, look, okay, baby,

w-why don't we just
leave that for now?

We'll move on to something we
know we can both agree on: food.

Oh, food. I know
what I want: osso buco.

Oh, great. I love fish.

No. No, it's veal shank.

Shank?
Heh! Forget it.

I am not eating anything
with the word "shank" in it.

What's your brilliant idea?

Okay, let's see here.

Entrées, entrées: hot,
entrées: cold...here.

Now, honey,
I love a big sandwich

as much as the next gal,

but I am not having
one at my wedding.

Oh, oh, I see.

So shank is okay,
but a big sandwich isn't?

Are you actually saying that
your idea of a perfect wedding

would be in your basement
listening to 45s

eating a big sandwich?

Exactly.

That's not a wedding,
that's a makeout party.

All right. Okay, fine, Helen.

We'll have it your way.
And while we're at it,

why don't we see if
we can rent out the Taj Mahal?

What's going on?

Yeah, there's talk
going around

about there
not being a big sandwich?

Brian, listen to me:
if you were at a wedding

and they served veal shank,
would you eat it?

Shank?
( Helen groans )

Sounds like something
you'd put ointment on.

Look, Casey,
what would you think

about having
the wedding at my house?

No, really.

See?

Oh, all right, excuse me
for not wanting to go bankrupt

for one lousy night.

"One lousy night"?

You call the most important
night of our lives

"one lousy night"?

Look, okay, look,
calm down, calm--

We both know what
we have to do.

You need to compromise.

I already have.

( upbeat theme playing )

( inaudible )

Okay, uh,
here's our last offer.

( sighs ):
We'll give in on
the ice sculpture...

( scoffs )

...and the strolling
violinists.

But you have to give
us the mini hot dogs.

Okay,
that is unacceptable.

( both groan )

However, we will give in
on the keg, the balloon art

and your walleyed cousin
Courtney as the flower girl.

Hey. She has an astigmatism.

HELEN:
Oh, yeah, right.

She'll be throwing flowers
at the organist.

( all shouting indistinctly )

Now, relax, relax, relax, relax.

Shush. Come on.
Sh-sh-sh.

Now, I would really love to
sign off on the mini hot dogs.

No mini hot dogs.

I want the mini hot dogs.

She's not the only one
with a dream.

Look, I am sorry, but
the wieners are a deal breaker.

Hey, I want the mini--
I want those--
( shushing )

Just-- Just settle down, okay?
That's why I'm here.

Come on! We gave in
on the harpist and the pâté!

Get off my back!

You know, I don't
like your attitude.

Oh, really?
Bye-bye, fruit cup.

CASEY:
Oh, you know what?

You can kiss
your cheese log goodbye.

Ooh, so long
Mr. Cappuccino Cart.

Hey, you are out of line
and, might I add, stupid.

I know you are,
but what am I?

Oh, that's real
Victor Mature!

I know you are,
but what am I?

CASEY:
Please, stop--

BRIAN:
Please stop mimicking me!

Well,
that was productive.

Um, e-excuse me, uh,

I hope you don't mind
my saying so,

but I think I have the perfect
solution to your problem.

Fay, we are not getting
liquored up and going to Reno.

Oh, who are you to judge me,
binder boy?

Well, no, no,
what I was going to say

is I think you should consider
having the wedding

at a place
like the Sconset Inn.

They handle all the details:
the food, the band,

the champagne,
so you don't have to.

Oh, yeah, I don't know--

My friend Margaret had
a lovely wedding there,

and believe me,
she too knew how to squeeze

the life out of the nickel.

What do you think?
What do you think?

I don't know.
Sconset Inn, hm.

Well, I guess
it couldn't hurt to go down

and talk
to the banquet manager.

Oh, yeah, like he's
gonna tell you the truth.

What's he gonna say,
"The food stinks"?

Do I tell my customers,

"Oh, whatever you do,
don't eat the crab salad"?

I had that for lunch.

Oh, honey.

Oh, no, you're okay.

Anyway, what we need to do
is go to an actual wedding

and then see
for ourselves.

Yes, but, Helen, we haven't been
invited to an actual wedding.

Wh-what do you wanna do,
crash one?

Yeah, exactly.
Oh, no, no, no, no.

I'm not crashing a wedding.

What's the big deal?
We'll go there,

we'll put on some nice clothes,
mingle around.

I don't know.
It's a free meal.

Well, we could
consider it research.

Yeah, okay, let's do it.

Well, at least we agree
on something.

You're cheap.

For the last time,
stay out of my freezer!

( upbeat theme playing )

( upbeat theme playing )

( pop music playing )

Ooh. Wow.

This place looks beautiful.
Yeah, and expensive.

I'm having second thoughts
about the--

Hey, crab cakes.

Uh, I'm a guest.

She's a guest too.

We're both guests.

Smooth, Joe.

Mmm.

Wow. They're delicious.
That's real crab too.

Ka-ching, ka-ching.

Now, you said you'd have
an open mind, Joe.

Hey, Helen,
every crab cake

comes out of
our honeymoon budget.

Big deal. Two less days
camping in the Poconos.

Okay, look,
we're wasting time.

We'll cover more hors d'oeuvres
if we split up.

I'll do hot, you do cold. Go.
Okay.

You.

I know you.

Okay--

You're Sophie's boy.

Okay.

So tell me, how'd she take
to that new kidney?

Okay.

Well, you be sure
to give her my love.

Okay. Heh-heh.

Ooh, big shrimp.

Come to Papa.

I couldn't get near
the Swedish meatballs

'cause this guy
was hogging 'em all.

I hate when people make
a pig out of themselves.

Look what I got.

See? A caricature.

I'm surfing.

I think we should get one
for our wedding.

Ka-ching, ka-ching.
Would you stop saying that?

I don't care
what you say,

I like this place.
I don't know.

It's not your house,
but I think we should book it.

You know, there's a certain
something missing.

What? Brian's Nerf hoop?

Now, look, honey, look,
l-let's just slow down.

Now, this is a big decision.

I'm not gonna be swayed by
a couple of pounds of shrimp.

( trumpet blows )

Ladies and gentlemen,
dinner is now being served.

Catch you after the capon.

Okay. We'd better get
outta here.
No, no.

W-- I think
we should stay for dinner.

Oh, that's a good idea, except
there's only one problem:

we weren't invited.

Yeah, no, that is not a problem.
Look, here, come here.

Here, look.
Table number five.

We are Jorge and
Juanita Rodriguez.

What if the real
Jorge and Juanita show up?

Oh, nobody shows up
for the main course.

It's gauche.

Come on before somebody eats
all the good rolls.

Well, wait. What if the
people at the table know them?

Well, there's only
one way to find out.

Hi.

Does anyone here
know the Rodriguezes?

Well, you do now.
Heh.

Hola.

Hi. I'm Fred Gaines.

Hi.
We're Jorge and, uh...

Juanita. Juanita.

You know,

I took a trip
to Mexico last year.

I have got to give
you people credit.

You sure know how to weave.

Thanks.

And you know
something else,

you people really
are fun-loving.

I mean, who else would think
to dance on their own hats?

It's traditional,
okay?

Mmm.

Hi, everyone.

Are we having fun?

( laughing ):
Oh, yes.

Jorge?
What?

The bride.
Oh.

( yells indistinctly )

So you're Jorge.

Rick has told me
so much about you.

Rick?
The groom.

Oh! The Rickster.

Um, congratulations...

you.
( chuckles )

Um...

Jorge and I,
we just love weddings so much.

They put us in such
a romantic mood.

You must be Juanita,
Jorge's sister.

That's me.

Uh, oh, boy, we've had
a little too much wine, huh?

( laughs )
Whoo!

Well...

it was nice meeting you.

We'll have to have you
over for dinner some time.

Great. I'm there.

( sighs )
"I'm there"?

What the hell is that?

Oh, okay, sh**t me
for being nice.

Well,
if you're any nicer,

then we're gonna
get thrown outta here.

Boy, it's true what they say.

You Latins sure are fiery.
( cutlery clatters )

You know what? I'm getting
a little sick of your attitude

toward my people.

Hey, sorry.

Can we go now?

No, hey,
we'll miss the cake.

All right. Okay.

Whoa, whoa, hey, hey,
hey, you two.

Stop right there.

It's the groom. We're dead.
Oh, God.

Uh, look, look, look, we're
really sorry. We were just--

You're Phil, my wife's
optometrist, aren't you?

Who else would I be?
( chuckles )

Listen, Karen's
had those new contact lenses

in for a couple days now,

and her eyes are getting
kind of red and swollen.

Aw, don't worry about it.
( dance music plays )

Come on, honey.
Let's dance.

Oh, God, that was close.
Come on, let's go.

No. No, wait. Let's just make
a decision while we're here.

Are we gonna book
this place or not?

No.

No? That's it?

Like, no discussion?

Oh, okay, you want
a discussion?

I'll give you a discussion.

Th-this place is overpriced.
It's pretentious.

The food is mediocre
and the bandleader's a dork.

See? I told you.
That guy's right.

This place
is a giant rip-off.

Do we have to get
into this now?

It's, like, our wedding.

Yeah, I know.
It's, like, bleeding us dry.

Oh, my God, Joe.
Do you hear that?

You've got the bride and groom
fighting. Are you happy now?

Look, you asked me a question.
I answered it.

I didn't ask you
to answer it loudly.

Okay, well, we found out some
good thing about this place:

the acoustics.

We should have gotten married
where I wanted to.

Oh, at Mommy's house?

Cut the cord, Rick.
Cut the cord.

You know, I think
you'd like this place a lot

if you didn't have
to pay for it.

What are you saying?

You are cheap.
Look,

I just don't wanna
start our married life in debt.

You have no sense
of romance.

Yeah, and you have
no sense of reality.

Everybody spends
too much money at their wedding,

and it's worth it

because it's the happiest day
of your life.

I'm a stubborn jerk?

You're a spoiled
little princess.

My mom's right.
You're a total wimp.

Oh, I must be, or else
I wouldn't have agreed

to pay for
this lousy wedding.

Eighty bucks a head
for rubbery chicken.

Keep this up and you're gonna
ruin the whole night.

Too late.
( huffs )

( crowd murmurs )

Oh, my God, Joe.

Did you hear that?

Yeah, 80 bucks a head.
( scoffs )

Let's go.

Okay, fine.

( trumpet blowing )

Ladies and gentlemen,
it's time for the toast.

Please turn your attention

to Rick's oldest and dearest
friend, Jorge Rodriguez!

( applause )

( upbeat theme playing )

( upbeat theme playing )

What happened
to Mather?

He looks like
a hood ornament.

Hey, you're looking
at this year's

Nantucket
Polar Bear Champion.

He stayed in the water
longer than anyone else.

So it's finally official:

he's the biggest
numbnut on the island.

You won.

You won.

So how'd you do, Scarpacci?

Oh, okay.

Yeah, yeah. "Okay." He never
even made it into the water.

Pulled his groin muscle
getting into his Speedo.

He's starting
to scare the passengers.

Get this
Lowell-cicle outta here.

All right.
Let's get him into the hangar,

thaw him out
with the big heater.

You're gonna be okay,
Lowell.

LOWELL:
I-- I can't feel my cojones.

Hi.
Hi.

D-did you make it home
okay last night?

Uh, yeah.
Fine.

After you left me
in the parking lot,

I got a lift home
with the bandleader.

Joe, what's happened to us?

I don't know.

Ever since we've been
planning this wedding,

all we do is fight.

And if we fight over little
things like hors d'oeuvres,

what's our marriage
gonna be like?

I don't know that either.

What airline is it again?

Uh, Sandpiper.

Oh, it's that couple
from the wedding last night.

Oh, God.

They must be
on their honeymoon.

What a relief.
I thought we'd broken 'em up.

All right.
Here are your bags.

Have fun at your mother's.
Goodbye, and good luck.

This is great.

I'm sure lots of couples
have separate honeymoons.

Oh, my God, Joe.

They're breaking up
and it's all our fault.

What should we do?

Well, the least we can do
is go apologize.

Oh.

Hello, excuse me.

You.

My God, what are you people
doing, stalking us?

Yeah, isn't it bad enough

you crashed our wedding
and ate the food?

Yeah, and we saw the video.
You're in every sh*t.

Uh, look, c-can we just
talk to you in private?

No.

L-look, look,
it'll only take five minutes,

and then we will stay
out of your life forever.

Let's go.
Let's go.

We-- We feel really
horrible about this.

W-we're just a couple trying
to plan our wedding

and we crashed yours
to check out the place.

Yeah, w-we haven't been
able to agree on anything.

And our fighting
sort of spilled over onto you,

and we're really sorry.

We're sorry we ruined
your wedding.

Oh, no, you didn't ruin it.
A lot of couples

spend their wedding night
in separate hotel suites.

You weren't there?
I didn't notice.

Oh, now, now.

You can't start your lives
like this together.

Yeah, come on, you know,
don't let a petty little spat

make you lose sight of why you
got married in the first place.

Yeah, you love each other.

What you gonna do,
just throw all that away?

Really, think of
everything you've shared.

Think of how long
you've known each other.

Remember
your first kiss?

Remember the first time
you told him that you loved him?

Remember when you finally
got up the nerve to propose?

When people love each other
that much, there's no reason

in the world
they shouldn't spend

the rest of their lives
together.

I don't care
where we get married,

I just wanna get married.

Uh, Joe...
What?

Oh, oh. Oh, yeah.

Rick, look, um,

before you let
this bickering

ruin the rest
of your lives,

isn't there something
you wanna say to Karen?

Go on.
( groans )

All right.

Karen...

I'm having an affair
with your cousin Patty.

What?!

Uh, Rick, I'm looking
a little foolish here.

Okay, it's just some bad news

but, uh, probably
a onetime thing.

Probably never
happen again. Here we go.

I'm in love with her.

Can't sugarcoat it.
That's bad.

Look, I-I-I guess
what I'm trying to say is

I-- I just don't
wanna be married to you.

I don't wanna
be married to you either.

Huh?

My parents pressured
me, so I settled.

( laughing ):
Well, what are
we waiting for?

Come on, let's go
down to the courthouse

and get this sucker annulled.

( door closes )

You know, those people
have some real problems.

We're not like them, are we?

No. We're just fighting
about mini hot dogs.

So we're not in trouble?

Of course not.

We're just two
giant pains in the ass.

Oh, you're just saying that.
No, I mean it.

( upbeat theme playing )

( band playing romantic music )

I'm having a wonderful time.

Me too.

I'm glad we came back
to our special place.

So am I. Mmm.

Oh, you look so beautiful.

Thank you.

( applause )

Well, I guess we should
sit down and eat.

Okay. Who are we
gonna be tonight?

Dr. and Mrs.
Toshiro Yashahara.