06x21 - The Love Life and Times of Joe and Helen

[bunniefuu]

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Hey, guys.

Look what I just got.

Wow, a new camcorder.

Looks expensive.
Where'd you get the money?

Oh, Joe, why can't you
just let him enjoy it?

Why do you have
to be so cynical?

Where'd you get
the money for that?

Sandpiper petty cash.

All right. W-wait, wait, wait.
Before you get so uptight,

don't you even wanna
know why I bought this?

Oh. This oughta be good.

Okay.

( sighs )

I bought it
to make a wedding gift

for you and Helen.

A wedding gift?

Yeah. A videotape
of you and your friends

telling the story
of how you guys got together.

You know,
the whole relationship.

I thought
it would be something

that you could show
your grandchildren, you know?

Something that the whole family
would treasure.

Wow.

I don't know what to say.

That's really nice of you,
you know.

I'm sorry, brother.

Heh. Thanks.

( chuckling )

Brian, th-th-tha--
That is a lovely, lovely idea.

I'm very impressed.

Yeah. Me too.

Some of the quickest
thinking I've ever done.

The problem is now
I gotta make the stupid thing.

( upbeat theme playing )

Okay, Fay, we're rolling.

So, quickly as you can,

just tell the camera
how Joe and Helen

first got together.

I knew Joe and Helen
when they were just friends.

But even back then
I could tell they had a thing

for each other.

I mean, they may
not have known it, but I did.

Joe, it's just a difference
in technique, that's all.

You're a stiff-lipper,
and I'm a soft.

It's no big deal.

Well, I never really
thought about it before.

Does it make that
much of a difference?

Yes.

Here, I'll show you.

What? You wanna
kiss me again?

Oh, don't be stupid.

This is just
an acting exercise.

Now, just relax.

Don't pucker up
like Dudley Do-Right.

Just relax your lips.

Mm.
Like that?

That was better.
That was much better.

Well, thanks for the tip.

Good night.

Good night.

BRIAN:
Anyway, tell me about
your first date.

Oh, well, um, we'd
been friends for so long

that at first
it was kind of strange.

( both laughing )

No, I don't think so.

O-once more.
No.

Hey, once more.

Be serious.

( laughs )

Serious.

( tender theme playing )

It's been a long day.

Yeah, I'm kind
of b*at myself.

And I'm certainly not
getting any rest back here.

Brian, what are--?
( shouting )

BRIAN:
When did you first
meet Joe and Helen?

Oh, uh--
Oh, that was, uh--

That was was their
first Valentine's Day

as boyfriend and girlfriend.

I-I was working as a--

As a waiter in
an Italian restaurant.

And there was
this big mix-up.

And then Helen ended up
waiting for Joe

the whole night all alone.

I hate to see a beautiful woman
alone on such a romantic night.

Jacomo, viene!

Uh, no, I--

He's only a busboy now

but he has head waiter
written all over him.

Oh, no. It's really o-- I'm--

Signorina, meet
my cousin Jacomo.

Hello.
Your valentine
for this evening.

( clears throat )

Hi.

( speaking in Italian )

What'd he say?

He say you're nice.

I give it a year, tops.

BRIAN:
Uh, you're supposed to say
something nice, Roy.

That was something nice.

I really only
give it six months.

Would you say
something positive?

Oh, all right.
All right, uh...

( chuckles )

Those two sure could fight.

JOE:
Helen, what are--?

What are you gonna--?

( yelps )

Oh, no.

No, no, you wouldn't.

Oh, no?
Okay. All right.

You wanna
play hardball?

( strings squeak )

You s*ab the plane,
the cello here gets it.

Let the cello go, Joe,
and nobody gets hurt.

You put that ice pick down
or this cello's

gonna be playing
in the violin section.

You don't think
I'll do it, do you?

No.
Guess again!

( air hisses )

( screams )

( Helen screams )

( Joe laughing )

Yes!

You're messy Joe.
You're messy, messy, messy.

I cannot believe
you did this to me.

I-- I can't believe you--

Believe Joe, believe.

Why, you snot-faced,
little--

( screams )

( screams )

Truce! Truce!

Look at us.

We're acting like children.

This is ridiculous.

Put the fire
extinguisher down.

You put the grease g*n
down first.

Oh, honey.

Oh, see, it was more of a--
A spat than a fight.

Yeah.
BRIAN: Well, what--?

No, what happened then?

( stammers, chuckles )

I don't wanna
talk about it.

Joe, what happened then?

She left me.

Every musician worth his salt
has to take a sh*t at New York.

If I can make it there,
I can make it any--

Well, you know.

Helen, just wait.
Just wait.

Please stay.

I can't.

But thank you
for asking.

Helen...

I love you.

I love you too.

And that was it.
We broke up.

( sniffling )

BRIAN:
Uh, Helen, then--?
Then what happened?

Well, um...

( crying )

Cut.

( mellow theme playing )

Helen, are--? Are you--?
Are you okay now?

Yes, I'm fine.
Okay.

So you went to New York
to pursue your music career.

And eight months later you came
back a complete failure.

Oh, thanks, Brian.
I'd almost gotten over that.

All right.
All right. All right.

I've got an announcement
to make.

I'm only gonna say this once.

New York sucked.

It was terrible.
My life was terrible.

My job was terrible.

I lived in a terrible
rat-infested apartment building.

It was the absolute
low point of my existence.

And I don't wanna
ever, ever, ever,

ever talk about
that city again.

Okay. Any questions?

Did you see
any good shows?

The only show I saw
was a man peeing on 42nd Street.

Was that the new
Andrew Lloyd Webber musical?

Now, when Helen found out that
Joe was dating another woman

while she
was in New York, she--

Well, now,
how can I put this nicely?

She went loony.

She freaked.

She went psycho.

I did not go psycho.

JOE:
Helen.

Helen, you know
I don't allow cars in here.

She knows I don't.

( engine revs )

( tires squeal )

Okay, I admit I had
some unresolved issues,

but that's why I went
to the therapy group

and worked them all out.

Why don't we try
a little role play.

I mean, one of our men here
could pretend to be Joe

and the two of you could
have a conversation.

Tell Joe what you
really think of him.

( giggles )

No. I couldn't tell him
what I really think of Joe.

MAN:
Use me.

I'm a tool.

Okay.

Joe...

( mouths ):
That's me, yes.

You shouldn't have
treated me the way you did.

You lied to me.

You tricked me.

You let me believe
we had a relationship.

Just who the hell
do you think you are,

two-timing me
with some floozy?

I'll tell ya who you are,

you're a no-good, cheat, liar,
pious, self-righteous S.O.B.,

and I'd like to bite your head
off and shove it down your neck!

I don't wanna play anymore.

So Joe and Helen went right--

What are you doing?
What are you doing?

I wanna be in the sh*t.

No, you can't be in the--

Ju-- Ju--
Get back there. Come on.

Please. This is for,
you know, my brother.

Okay. So Joe and Helen
went right on pretending

that they weren't in love.

But who were they kidding, huh?

( laughing )

Joe, I'm so over you,
it's not even funny.

Yeah, you wish
you were over me.

You wish you were all over me.

You know what I think?

I think you're
the one not over me yet.

( chuckling )
Ha!

Oh, I feel nothing for you.

I-I-- Less than nothing.

I'm more attracted
to that piece of meat.

Oh, yeah?

Then why don't
you kiss it?

Uh, you know, uh,
that really wasn't a kiss.

This is more of a kiss:

Yeah. That was more like
your kisses: cold and dead.

( Helen squeaks )

What the hell was that?
( stammering )

I don't know.
I don't know.

One minute we're spanking
each other with meat,

the next minute it got weird.

ANTONIO:
Okay, about Joe and Helen--

Yo, Brian, over here.

Hello. Brian!

BRIAN:
Yeah, I was just--

I was just adjusting
the focus, there.

Y-y-yeah, right.

As I was saying, um, it--

I-it's strange, me talking
about Joe and Helen, uh,

because, after all,
I was her first husband.

I think some marriages are--
Are based on love.

Uh, ours was based on something
even more powerful:

My fear of getting my butt
kicked out of the country.

Excuse me.

I'm George Fulham from
Immigration-Naturalization.

I'm supposed to meet
an Antonio Scarpacci.

Does anyone here
know him?

Uh, no, I don't. Do you, Joe?

No. I don't.

You, Lowell?

No. I don't.

Do you, Antonio?

I am Antonio Scarpacci.

How do you do?

So this meeting was supposed to
be with you and your fiancée.

Where is she?

Uh, my fiancée...

Uh, she's...

She's, uh...

Right here, you silly.

He's always
kiddin' around.

( laughs )

I'm such a nut.

Joe and Helen?
I don't even know them.

What am I supposed to say?

BRIAN:
Well, uh,
just tell them about yourself.

Okay. Well, my name is Brooke.

Uh-huh.
I'm from Newton, Massachusetts.

Uh-huh.
I have a wonderful husband.

Well, for the next year or so,
Joe and Helen played the field.

I mean, they're
intelligent, attractive people.

It's not as though they had
a hard time finding dates.

Are you trying
to hurt my feelings?

You don't have
any feelings!

You're a puppet!
You're made of wood!

Would you
just shut up?

( laughing obnoxiously )

Well, uh, I know that Helen

is not gonna like
this part too much,

but as far as dating goes,

I was on a real roll
there for a while.

Oh, no--
Oh, yeah.

--he's gonna bring up
the 19-year-old again.

Well, come on.
We had a lot in common.

I'm meeting a bunch
of my friends there

and I happen to know
there's an extra ticket.

Wanna go?

Yeah. Why not?

I'd love to go
see Pearl Jam.

Joe Hackett
at a Pearl Jam concert?

( laughs )

Pearl Bailey, maybe.

You going out with
a girl that age is crazy.

She is a child.

What could you
possibly have in common?

I mean, for God sakes, Joe,
I bathed that girl.

I tucked her in.

What a coincidence.

I, on the other hand, went out
with more appropriate people,

decent men, my own age,
who shared common interests.

I'd like you to dress up
like Little Bo Peep...

...hog-tie me to the bedpost
and spank me for being the bad,

bad boy that I am.

Excuse me.

I know the going rate
for you girls is $300

but for this I'm willing
to up it to five.

Oh, my God.

This is the most disgust--

Five hundred dollars?

Hey, don't make it sound like

that's the only kind
of guys I went out with.

You brought up
the 19-year-old.

Well, if I didn't,
you sure would have.

Oh, and it drives you crazy,
doesn't it?

Oh, don't you wish it did?

BRIAN:
So when did you two realize

that you couldn't
live without each other?

BOTH:
Cut.

( mellow theme playing )

Okay, Fay, so Joe
and Helen were going along fine,

two friends...

Oh, uh, yeah,
a-and then Davis Lynch

came into the picture.

You see, uh, Joe wanted
to expand the airline

so he flew Davis in
and tried to get him to invest.

The only problem was
Davis was more interested

in Helen than
he was in Sandpiper.

I've learned you don't
invest in business,

you invest in people.

Great, sure,
I'd be glad to show you--

Uh-uh-uh.

But you'd rather go
with someone like...

Helen?
Mmm.

Could you maybe show Lynch
around the island?

Well, why me?

Well, uh...

I guess he's
lookin' for a little,

you know, companionship.

Oh, really?

So he wanted a girl
and you just pointed at me.

No, no, no. He pointed
at you, and I said okay.

Look, take him around
and show him a good time.

Excuse me.
Entertain him.

Give him the lay of the land.

Oh, I-- Oh, boy,
that came out wrong.

The best part
was that Chappel and Lynch

ended up dating
for over a year.

( laughing )

It drove Hackett nuts.

He brought me a present.

Helen, you shouldn't open that.

Yes, I'm gonna open it.

That way I'll know
how to reciprocate.

You know,
cover my butt.

Well that's certainly
not gonna do it.

Oh, God, I hope this
is not for me.

Maybe he bought it
for another woman.

Bastard.

Maybe it's for him...

the bitch.

Oh, I remember the day
that Davis proposed to Helen

like it was yesterday.

Wait, what did I do yesterday?

I want you
to marry me.

Um, what?

Are you gonna make me
say this again?

Yeah, I-I think I definitely
need to hear that one more time.

Helen, will you marry me?

( voice cracking ):
Yes.

I'll tell you, my brother
Joe is one classy guy.

I mean, even though he was
still in love with Helen,

he wasn't about
to stand in her way.

Listen, Helen, um, I just--

I just wanna say
congratulations again.

You know, I-I'm sure that you
and Davis will be really happy.

Yes, we are.

I-- I think that I really
picked the right man.

Mm-hm.

BRIAN:
Which led to one of
the weirder moments of my life.

It's true what they say,
you know.

Once you break up
with somebody

you can never
get back together, huh?

Huh?

Oh, come on, Joey, talk to me.

Yeow!

But when it's right,
it's right.

And after that night,

Joe and Helen knew immediately
that what they had

was the stuff
dreams are made of.

No, look, listen,
you cannot just run out on me--

Ugh, Joe, would you quit making
such a big deal about this?

What we did last night
was just sex.

Nothing else.
It was just sex.

That's all it was: sex!

So I went off to New York

thinking that
I was gonna marry Davis.

And then Joe chased after me

and proposed to me
in Davis' elevator.

Damn it, Helen.

When you walked out
this morning,

I-I felt all the life
drain out of me.

I sat at that counter,
and all I could think about

is all the years we've known
each other, since we were kids.

We've already spent
a lifetime together.

Nobody knows me
better than you.

No one knows you
better than I do.

How can you even think
about marrying Lynch?

It's wrong.

Having kids with him,

growing old together,

that's our marriage.

Those are our kids.

That's our lifetime.

We're supposed to be together.

I love you, Helen.

Well, I guess, uh...

sometimes love
just isn't enough, huh?

( elevator whirrs )

Ask me again.

What?

Ask me again.

Will you marry me?

Oh, what the heck.

BRIAN:
So now that they're
finally getting married,

is there anything you'd
like to say to Joe and Helen?

Well, Joe,
you've always been like a son.

And, Helen, you've always
been like a daughter.

So, for me, I feel like
my son and daughter

are marrying each other.

Oh, wait.
That's kind of sick.

Helen, Joe, now that
you're a couple, uh,

when you
come home at night

someone will always
be there waiting for you.

Unlike, say, me.

Hackett, Chappel,
I've worked alongside you

for many years now.

BRIAN:
Yes?

Go on. I'm still rolling.

I was done.

Helen, you're my baby sister
and I love you.

I just hope that your marriage
isn't the rotting cesspool

of disappointment, lies
and betrayal that mine was.

Cheers.

Now, let's see.
Joe, Helen, what can I say?

( Brian clears throat )

Lowell? Lowell?

I'm thinking.

Okay. That's about it.

That's--
That's my gift to you.

Um...

Now, uh, just one more
thing to my brother Joe.

Uh, well, you're more
than my brother.

You're my best friend.

And, um, to my other
best friend, Helen,

I just wanna say
that I couldn't be

happier or prouder

that you're gonna be
my new sister-in-law. Agh!

So, um...

I wish you a long
and happy, happy marriage.

( crying ):
Oh, I'm so alone.

Oh, God.

BRIAN:
So are you guys nervous about
getting married or what, huh?

Absolutely not.

We've never been more sure
of anything in our lives.

Right, Joe?
Oh, absolutely.

Okay, so, uh,
now give each other a big kiss

for the camera.

Come on.

Co-- Oh. No, eh, come on.

Big smooch
for eternity.

Let's go.
Put 'em together.

I love you.

I love you too.

God, do you believe Grandma and
Grandpa were ever that young?

Mm-mm.

( mellow theme playing )

( instrumental version of
"Isn't It Romantic" playing )