06x22 - A House to Die For

[bunniefuu]

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Can't believe it.
What is wrong with people?

Helen, what's
the matter?

My wedding dress.
It's supposed to have

three-quarter-length sleeves
and buttons down the back.

But it's got cap sleeves
and a zipper.

My wedding's three weeks away.
I don't have the patience--

Helen, Helen, Helen.
Calm down.

When I'm all upset-- You know,
I need to relax, I--

I just go to my happy place.

You know, I--
I imagine that

I am lying on
a tropical island,

and all my troubles
just melt away.

Don't you have a special place
where there are no problems,

and everybody's always happy?

Actually, I do have
a place like that.

( Brady Bunch Theme playing )

Bye, Mom.
Bye, Dad.

We're gonna go to
school now.

Thanks for lunch,
Alice.

See you after school.

Hey, Greg. You think
you could pick me up

from football
practice?

Oh, I'd like to,
Peter.

But I'm meeting
a groovy chick

after school
for a soda.

Gee, Greg. You always
get all the girls.

Well, thanks, Peter.

But the important thing is
I always find time

to do my homework.

Hurry, Marcia.
We're gonna be late.

Coming.

Four hundred
and ninety eight.

Four hundred
and ninety nine.

Five hundred.

Ready.

Gosh, Marcia,
you look swell.

I know.

Hey, Marcia, that dress
is really happening.

I know.

Marcia, Marcia,
Marcia.

Well, come on,
everyone.

Let's get
in the car.

Oh. I'm not going
with you guys today.

I'm riding with the captain
of the football team.

He's dreamy.

I know.

( doorbell rings )

Hi, Marcia.

Hi, Joe.

So you ready
to split?

Far out.

Hey, Joe.
Great game last week.

I know.

So, uh...
Marcia,

got a date
for the prom?

I do now.

Marcia, Marcia, Marcia.

Everything always works out
so great for Marcia.

( Brady Bunch Theme playing )

( inhales )

Thanks.
I do feel better.

Good.

Helen.
Yes?

Heard about your dress.

Thought maybe these would help.
( gasps )

Oh, Joe.

That's so sweet.

Helen, Helen, Helen.

Why does everything always
work out so great for Helen?

( upbeat theme playing )

Okay. Brian and Casey
are coming in any minute.

Oh, great. Good.

Um, hey, Lowell,

would you mind
finishing that outside?

Oh. Uh, I'm sorry.

Is this some sort of
private meeting?

No, no, no, no. It's just,
uh, you know, family.

Oh.

Aren't I family?

Well, actually, no.

LOWELL:
Huh.

Oh, really?

Well, when you
sh*t me down

for a raise last year,
you said--

and I quote
--"We are all part

of the Sandpiper
family."

Now, what was that
all about?

That was about lying
straight to your face

so I could save
3 bucks an hour.

( crying ):
Well, I hope you're
happy, Joe Hackett,

because you
made me cry.

You know...I'm a little
nervous about telling them.

Oh, it's not
gonna be that bad.

And besides, Brian and Casey
will get over it.

You know, Joe, once we're
married, there's gonna be a lot

of things that we feel
uncomfortable about.

The important thing is
we do them together.

( door opens )

You, uh, wanted to
see us?

Actually, Joe did.

( sighs )

What's going on?

Well, okay, here it is.

Um...

Helen and I have decided
to move in together.

Whoa. Wow.
( laughs )

Oh-ho-ho.
That's wonderful.

You guys, three weeks to go
before you get married,

and you decided
to live together.

You so crazy.
Yeah. I know.

No, no. No, stop.
No, no. That-- That's not--

We were just thinking
that if we move in now,

then when we get back from the
honeymoon, we'll be all settled.

Oh, that is
so sweet.

The two of you starting
your lives together.

Hm.
I am so happy
for you.

Wait, wait, wait.
Don't you get it?

One of us
is about to get

chucked out
on his or her ass.

Oh, no.
They wouldn't--

It's me,
isn't it?

Oh, I don't
believe this.

You can't just throw me out
in the cold.

( sighs )
Don't worry, sugar.

I hear that the library

during the day
is warm and dry.

And at night,
underneath the pier

is a very popular
spot.

( laughs )

Why don't you
stay there?

Uh, I don't have to.

I'm not the statistic.

( laughing )
( Joe speaks indistinctly )

Actually, uh...

Brian, we thought Casey
would move in with you.

( laughing )

Huh?

What makes you think
that I would want her

living at my house?

If you don't, I'm gonna rent
my half of the house

to Scary Mel
from the fuel dock.

Yeah, wait a minute,
wait a minute.

Scary Mel,
smells like fumes,

that thing he keeps
in the box,

missing mother.

Casey.

I'll go with Scary Mel.

Come on. She's not
that bad.

Excuse me.

You're talking about me
like I'm not even here.

I think I have a say in this.

All right, Casey,
I'll tell you what.

For every dollar
you kick in for rent,

you get a dollar's
worth of say.

I'll be outside if you need me.

So, uh, what's
it gonna be, Brian?

"What's it
gonna be, Brian?"

What, like you're
giving me a choice?

I'm gonna do it, obviously.

But I just want you to know
that I hate this,

and I'm never gonna
forgive you.

( door opens )

( sighs )
( door closes )

Well...it was rough,

but we got
through it.

( mellow theme playing )

Honey, I'm home.

Oh-ho-ho. That--
That is so cute.
Hey.

Oh, that's all
you brought?

Yeah, well,
I'll get the rest later.

It's a little hard to pack with
two people trying to hit you.

So...

what do you want to do on
our first night together

in our house?

Oh, let's see. I thought
maybe we could...

Um, Helen-- Helen.

Has this chair
always been like this?

Uh, like what?

It's got grapes
all over it.

So?
It's a fruit chair.

It's covered with fruit.

And, uh, that means...?
( scoffs )

It's feminine.

I mean, no man is gonna
buy a chair like this.

Oh, sure he would.

Oh, come on, Helen.

No guy's gonna walk into
a furniture store

and say, "Excuse me, could I
please see something in fruit?"

Okay. I tell you what.

Since fruit is feminine...

tomorrow we'll go out
and we'll buy a couch

that has little pictures
of Steven Seagal on it.

Okay. If the chair bothers you,
we'll lose it.

This is our house,
and I want you to be happy.

Great.

And, uh, it will
give me more room

when I set up my TV.

You-- Were you gonna
put up a TV in here?

No. I'm gonna come home after
a hard day's work,

plop down on the couch
and stare at that fruit chair.

Well, J-Joe, see,

a living room is a social
place to sit and talk.

Um, it's not a place
to veg out and watch TV.

You know, that's what
the bedroom is for.

Helen, you
know what? I--

I'm not sure if
this is gonna work.

I mean, we should just
consider moving into my house.

Oh, yeah, that's how I want
to start my married life.

At Delta Lambda
Hackett House.

Trust me, there ain't enough
potpourri on this earth

to cover that smell.

Hey, you only notice it
when you first come in.

Okay, we can't live at my house.
Can't live at your house.

What do we do,
get a new place?

Well, you know--
Wait a minute.

That's not a bad idea.

I mean, if you sold this house,
and Brian bought me out of mine,

we'd have enough money. We could
get a pretty good place.

We could.

All right. Let--
Let's do that.

It's settled.
House hunting tomorrow?

Great.

So, what do you
want to do now?

Oh, let's see.
Mm, I've got an idea.

We could go upstairs
to the bedroom...

Oh, yeah.
The TV's up there.

( upbeat theme playing )

Well...that was
a total bust.
Hm.

Where have
you two been?

We were out all morning
house hunting.

We covered
the entire island,

came up
absolutely nothing.

No-- Uh, well, Helen,
that is not exactly true.

That last place
we saw was great.

It had a big, big yard,
lots of bedrooms,

and the owner was desperate
to unload the place.

I told you, I am not
living next to Roy.

Well, maybe we should just
keep living at your house.

No. Big mistake.

According to an article
I read in g*ns & a*mo...

newlyweds should never
live anyplace

that either of them
have lived before.

Too much emotional baggage.

You read that
in g*ns & a*mo?

All right. You caught me.

It was Ladies' Home Journal.

I've been hooked ever since
I read that article,

"How to Cope With the Change."

Morning.
HELEN: Morning.

So how did it go
last night with Brian?

Surprisingly well.

I had a lovely dinner
and then I read a little,

then I just
fell right to sleep.

No problems with Brian?

Nope, not a one.

You!

What?

You recall
sometime...

around 2 a.m.

a loud banging
at the front door?

Well...I was sleeping
pretty soundly,

but now that you mention it,

yeah, I remember hearing noise.
I thought it was the wind.

( laughs ):
Oh, the wind.

When was the last time you heard
the wind say, "I lost my key.

Let me in, you redheaded
nightmare"?

HELEN:
Hey, guys.

Isn't that
that creep, Lewis?

JOE:
Oh, yeah. You're right.

Oh, God. Let's hope Carlton's
not coming to meet him.

Who's Carlton?
His uncle, Carlton Blanchard.

Hey. Hey, hey, hey.

I think we agreed
never to speak that name

in my presence.

Wha--? Uh, what's
so bad about him?

Oh, he is the meanest,
cruelest,

most obnoxious
little old man

you have ever met
in your life.

There's not a single person on
this island who can stand him.

He's the devil.

Sad news, island people.

My uncle, Carlton, is dying.

( cackles )

Antonio.
Uh--

I-- I'm sorry.
Uh-- Uh-- Uh-- Uh--

M-maybe I heard wrong.

What did you say?

I said my uncle, Carlton,
is dying.

( laughs )

It's even better
the second time.

I came to be
by his bedside.

The doctors don't think
he'll make it through the night.

Where can I get
a candy bar?

Oh, wait a minute.

I see something
sweet right here.
( scoffs )

Um, you must hear this a lot.

( coughs, gags )

Oh. A flirt.

So, uh, Lewis, about--
About Carlton dying?

Yeah, the minute he dies
I get everything.

The whole kit and caboodle.

Lots and lots of stuff.

It's a...

very hard time for me.

Yeah, I can see that.

Well, how can I live around
all those reminders

of my dear Uncle Carlton?

That's why
I've decided to

sell it all at
low, low prices.

Prices so low I'm practically
giving it away.

Wait. Wait, wait,
wait. Wha--?

What exactly do you mean,
"reminders"?

Please.

While my Uncle Carlton
is clinging to his life,

how can I even discuss

selling his cherished
'68 Barracuda?

Mint condition.

S-six-- Sixty-eight.

That-- That's-- That's one of
the all-time great muscle cars.

Hey, you know, um...

maybe I should just
come over later tonight

and grieve with you.

That would mean
a lot to me.

I'll bring
my checkbook.

That would mean
even more.

Yeah, you know,
maybe, uh--

Maybe I should come over
and pay my respects

to old Carlton too.

Any chance his estate
would include

some really nice pieces
of furniture?

When sorrow comes, it's hard
to remember two credenzas,

an armoire and a Biedermeier
table that seats 14.

Oh.
( whistles )

Oh-ho, I'd k*ll
for a Biedermeier.

You won't have to.

His pulse is
down to 30.

( lively theme playing )

Thank you
for coming.

If you'd like to
see my uncle

before he dies...
( door closes )

I suggest you take
two stairs at a time.

Uh, no, no. I--
I'd go up and see him,

but, uh...I'm just
too emotional.

I think I'll
stay down here, heh-heh,

with his furniture.

( knock )

Hello, Lewis.
Hi, Lewis.

Um...

we thought we'd come by
and pay our respects.

Well, I take great
comfort in that.

Hey, big boy!

You break that,
you're buying it!

What's Roy doing?

Oh, my God,
he's shopping.

Now, how can he possibly
take advantage of a man on--?

On his deathbed?
He should be ashamed of--

Ooh, butter
cookies.

You know...

Helen, we weren't exactly
friends of Carlton,

but I'm glad
we came here today.

Yeah. It was
the right thing to do.

You know, when
my time comes,

I wouldn't
want to be alone

in a big old house
with...

high ceilings...

Yeah, it's
really sad.

...gorgeous woodwork...

Poor guy.
...and a fireplace.

Helen, what are you do--?

Are you checking out
this house?

My God, woman,
the man's upstairs dying.

All right. I know,
you're right. I'm sorry.

All right, we came here
to pay our respects,

so...let's go upstairs
and do that.

And on our way, if we just
happened to measure

a few bedrooms,
where's the harm?

Oh, you know what?

I am not jumping
on this bandwagon.

In my family we were
raised not to cash in

on other people's
misfortunes.

Hey, is Carlton dead yet?

Just want to
find out when the car

had its last
oil change.

Would you please
show a little respect?

I am.

I noticed a ding
in the fender,

I'm not even
lowering my offer.

JOE:
Well, uh-- You-- You know what?

You are ghouls.
All of you are ghouls.

Why don't you just
run over him in his own car

and bury him under
his solid oak floors?

Hey, you could
get into trouble

for something
like that.

Couldn't you?

All right, that is it.
I'm out of here.

Wait, wait. I don't want you
to get the wrong idea.

Here, look.

All I want is for
my Uncle Carlton to get well,

so he doesn't have to see
his beloved home go for...

not a penny
less than that.

Hey-- Lewis,
this is disgusting.

This is terrible.
This is...

definitely in the ballpark.

( lively theme playing )

Lewis, I-- I-- I feel terrible
about laughing before.

Oh. Why does
Carlton have to die?

He's really
a sweet old man.

There I was hating him.
I-- I feel so guilty.

Look, we can all walk around
feeling sorry for ourselves.

I mean, look at me.

Do you have any idea
what kind of hit I'm gonna take

on inheritance taxes?

Is there an Antonio here?

He is asking
for you.

He-- He's asking for me?
Yes, uh--

He wants you to give him
a final footbath.

What? Footbath? Huh.

I'll rot in hell
before I'll do that.

How can you deny
a dying man his final wish?

( sighs )

All right. All right,
I'll do it.

Yuck.

Oh, and if he starts
asking for his mother,

there's a wig
right next to the bed.

Come on,
Fay.

This is really
important.

Uh-- Now, look. I don't know
if that's Portuguese tile

around the sink,
and I don't care.

I think it's terribly
insensitive of you

to conduct yourselves
this way

when there's a man
upstairs dy--

Hello, doctor.
Heh.

I'm Fay Cochran, widow.

How are you?

Uh, no, how are you?

At a time like this,
people are always so concerned

with the patient,

and they tend to
overlook the doctor.

Well, not me.

Well, that's very nice of you,
but, uh, if you excuse me,

I think I'd better
check on Mr. Blanchard.

Uh, well-- Uh, why don't
I give you a hand.

I'm a whiz with
a tongue depressor.

Hey, Joe.
Brought my tools.

I'm here to
check out the house.

Where you want me
to start?

Go down in the basement
and check out

the electrical
and the plumbing.

All right.

But I gotta tell you,
I feel pretty weird about this,

what with the guy, you know,
clinging to life up there.

Ooh, butter cookies.

You brought in someone

to inspect the house?

You don't trust me?

I'm impressed.

I had you figured as
one of those E-I-E-I-O guys.

( laughing )

Lewis, you couldn't be
more wrong.

I'm a businessman. I know
my way around a negotiation.

( clicks tongue )
Well, that's good.

But I better warn you.

I have two buyers who already
placed bids on this house.

Really? Who? Whatever
they offer, I'll b*at it.

Ah. You're really gonna
keep me on my toes.

Hey, Joe.

I'm down here trying to
label the circuit breaker.

Uh...can't figure out

which room goes to
which breaker.

Anything go off
up here?

What's happening? The--
His heart monitor just stopped.

Master bedroom.
Thank you.

Joe. There's a room upstairs
that's perfect for a nursery.

If you think
that's something,

wait till you see
the master bedroom.

Oh, I-- I think
going in there right now,

with Carlton in this condition,
would be kind of tacky.

Yeah, you're right.
It would be kind of tacky.

I'll just go up
and snap a Polaroid.

Uh, you know, was
just out in the garage

with the car and, uh...

I'm starting
to not have

such a good feeling
about all this.

What turned you
around?

I found another ding.

Here. Here's a picture
of the master bedroom.

Now, the picture really
doesn't do it justice,

but if you put
your thumb over that guy

who is washing
my uncle's feet...

you get
a much better idea.

Now, L-Lewis, I'm feeling
a little guilty about--

Is that a fireplace?
Oh, my God.

The master bedroom
has a fireplace.

Oh, wow.

Of course, it's...

gonna be
kind of creepy

knowing someone d*ed
in our bedroom.

Hey, no problem.

If he starts to fail,

we'll just push him
out in the hall.

Helen. Helen, I--

I came as soon as I heard.
Am I too late?

Oh, no, relax.
We haven't made a bid yet.

Oh, good.
Where's my room?

I'm thinking of doing it
in Wedgwood blue.

Oh, Red.
Oh.

You've come to be with me
in my hour of need.

Oh, from head to toe, you are
by far the most repulsive man

I have ever met.

Ah. So you've been
checking me out.

Ew.

( groaning )

Carlton just kissed me
on the nose and said...

"Thanks, Nana."

Listen, Lewis.

Uh, ahem, Helen and I
have talked things over,

and we are prepared to offer
this much for the house.

Oh, you're very
sweet people.

Trying to
make me laugh

in my hour of grief.

Come on, Lewis.
We're not idiots.

How much do you think
it's gonna cost us

to fix up this old place?

Joe, I gotta tell you,
this place is impeccable.

Talk about
move-in condition--

Yeah, thank you, Lowell.
Thank you very much.

Lowell, thank you.

Lowell...my truck's
parked outside.

Give me a hand
with this rug.

Roy. What are you gonna do
with that rug?

I'm taking it home. I made
a deal with Lewis for it.

Oh, yeah?
Like hell you did.

My offer includes
all rugs.

All but this one,
sparky.

Helen, he's stealing our rug.
The hell he is.

Hey. Oh--
Hey. Get off!

Chappel.

Hey. There's enough
for everyone.

Everyone will get a taste.

Mr. Blanchard...

I think you'd better
come upstairs quick.

Hot dog!

( gasps )

I mean...oh, no.

Oh, Joe.

Yeah, I know.
I know.

Hey, hey, hey.
Great news, everybody.

There's an antique
pool table in the basement.

( chuckles )

What, it sold already?

It's Carlton.

We think this might
be the end.

Ah. Boy.

Joe, I feel
awful now.

Yeah, me too.

Oh, I'm no better
than you are,

trying to make time
with his doctor.

Yeah. I was driving
his car.

You know, all he ever
wanted to do was be friends,

and look at all of us.

We swooped down on him
like a bunch of vultures.

God's sakes, man,
pull yourself together.

It's the shock.

That's the worst part
about it: the shock.

Was he at least comfortable
at the end, doctor?

W-- What do you mean?

No, no, no. He-- He
passed through the crisis.

He's gonna live.
( chuckles )

What? I don't
understand.

Uh, minutes ago, he was
knocking at death's door.

Well,
unfortunately,

nobody was home.

You know, I think
it was hearing

all your voices
down here,

and knowing that so many
people cared about him,

that made the difference.

The way his heart's
b*ating right now...

he could live
another 20 years.

Well...I'd better
go upstairs.

My uncle needs me.

Lewis.

No.

What? I was just gonna
prop his head up.

( laughs uncomfortably )

Lewis!

( upbeat theme playing )

( plane flying overhead )

Hey-- Uh, Lewis. What
are you still doing here?

I thought you left
several days ago.

Nah. As a matter of fact
I just came by to pick up

a get-well present
I ordered for my uncle.

Oh, Mona.

Over here.

If this doesn't
k*ll him,

nothing will.