01x07 - Bandit

[bunniefuu]

('UH UH UH' BY TONY
AND THE KIKI PLAYS)

♪ Shoo, shoo, shoo-doo, shoo... ♪

f*ck, how good is Peggy's place?
Oh, my god, it's so good.

Meggles, I'm all nervous.

You love parties.

Yeah, but what if no-one likes him?

Who cares?
Do you like him?

Oh, f*ckin' great.

No, I didn't... I nodded.
I like him.

Yeah.
Do you think he's too old for me?

Do you think he's too old for you?

Do you?

Meggles, don't!
What?

You have to stop caring
about what everybody else thinks.

Maybe it's me.

Maybe I just don't feel right
about like turning

and dating someone in their s.

Like I feel like I've just
skipped a whole decade by proxy.

It's like I'm in my s
and yesterday I was .

What the f*ck.

OK.

Have you heard from your dad yet?

Nuh, nothing.

It's probably his fault.

Maybe that's why
I'm into a grey beard.

Alright, just stop.
I mean, look around.

Look at Col. Life's good.

Look at him. He's such a good boy.

He's so happy. Hi, Colly.

And he's crippled.
He doesn't know he's crippled.

I'm gonna be like Col. Good idea.

Drink your drink.

Come here, hold my hand.
Don't tip me.

Do you like him?

Yeah, I do.
Great!

Happy th, my baby.

Don't tip...

Oh, Ashley!

Not cool.

Oh!

Eat sh*t, Meggle.
Ashley!

Eat sh*t, Meggle.
Ashley!

Eat sh*t.

(THEME MUSIC)

OK, you ready?

Jesus Christ.

Chi, come and take a look at this...
No, don't... don't call her.

f*cking hell.

You look like
a 'Love Island' contestant.

OK, Chi, don't laugh.

This is what young people
are wearing, isn't it?

Ohh!
What young people?

Gee, I'm just gonna have to...

I'm gonna need a minute,
because this is a lot.

It's just this is the first thing,

you know, that we've done together
and I just want it to be perfect.

Didn't you do the birthday thing
at her mum's?

Yeah, I did,
but f*ckin' young people

just celebrate themselves
for a whole month, don't they?

Like it's...

They love it because their bodies

aren't actively breaking
down on them yet.

Aren't actively breaking
down on them yet.

Relax, Gilligan.

(LAUGHS)

Sorry.
Wait.

This is Oh, yeah.

Hey, Bo Peep,
I think your sheep left.

(LAUGHTER)

The hat is not the problem.

It was the only thing
working for you, bra.

Mate, who are you trying to impress?

Her mates, obviously.

They're millennials.
They hate everything.

f*ck off. Get out.

No, I wanna see
what else you bought.

Just be cool, alright?
This is good. This is good.

No! What are you doing?
What?

The girl at Jay Jays
said it was lit.

That's not lit!

Yeah, well, she was on meth.
Man, it is so tight.

Is that a cuff?

Sorry, are you going
as a River Boy from Summer Bay?

Get out! Both of you get out!

OK, listen. Fine. OK, but listen.

No, mates rates tonight, OK?

We have a chance
to make some Claude Monet.

Yeah, but I'm hosting them.

Yeah, you can host them,
but they're paying.

Right?
Yeah.

Right? OK, OK.
Yeah.

Take a breath.
You're gonna be right.

Lose the f*ckin' kerchief.

f*ck.

♪ I getaway everyday

♪ My holiday

♪ I'm getting paid

♪ I live it up on the go

♪ I'm getting high, I'm never low. ♪

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(GROOVY MUSIC PLAYS)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER, LAUGHTER)

Hey.
Hey, are you guys with Ash's...

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Sorry, are you...

OK.

Oh, Ashy! Meggles!

Oh, hi.
Oh, my god, you look amazing.

Yeah, you look... you look different.

Yeah, you look... you look different.

Do I? Hello, boy. Hello, Colly.

Yeah, I... I wear this sort of sh*t
from time to time.

It's a normal... normal look for me.

Is it?
Yeah.

I just feel more
comfortable in it, really.

Do you?
Yeah. Hey.

Oh, G-Queen, lime green is over.

I mean, Billie Eilish started it
and then she ended it.

Yeah, she did, LOL.

Um, hey, I've got you chickadees
set up, tucked out of the way.

Ooh, watch out.
Ooh.

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING)
Just through here.

Sorry, bubbykins!

My babies!

Squishies! Look at you.
Oh, my god, this jumpsuit.

Do you like? Do you like?

Ah, I do have a seat...
We're already set up over here.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
It's a bit like a step.

Do you wanna come?
We're already set up over here.

We love it here.

Yeah, yeah, no,
but this is good, this is nice,

but well, I've already set...

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)

Great. So...

Hey, so um, yeah,
it's a bit private.

It's already set up for you.

There's nice lighting...
It's just there?

It's just there.
Yeah.

It's good for Col.
What do you think?

Yeah. Oh, my god. Oh!
Oh! No, no, it's fine.

I mean, we're close
to the bar here...

I mean, we're close
to the bar here...

Yeah, yeah.
..and everyone's comfy.

Totally.
Is that alright?

Yeah, totally.
I can roll with that, babe.

Rock on.

Hey, um, where are the draaanks?

Yeah-hey!

Wait right there.
Just keep the vibe up.

Keep the vibe up, keep the vibe up,
keep the vibe up.

Keeping the vibe up!

Oh, my gosh, the Smarties?

Yeah.
And pretzels?

Yeah, just starters, you know.
These are so retro.

Are those Cheds?
Yes, sir.

You didn't say this was ' s theme.
Cute!

Oh, my god!
No, no, no, it's not.

Oh, um, Meggles,
if I could ask you to...

It's a major breach of my RSA.

OK, I might go check the taps out.

No, no, no, we can do it here.

So, many rules.

Not really.
So, uh, who wants a drink?

(GASPS) Oh, my god,
let's get mescal margaritas?

GROUP: Yeah!

We don't have mescal, but I could...

Oh, do you have froze?

Like... Like rose slushie?

Yeah.
No.

Do you guys have tapath?

Tapas?

Oh, no,
it's actually pronounced tapath.

Is it. Uh, no, no.

But I do have a menu
of wonderful things

that we've worked
on that we could maybe...

that we've worked
on that we could maybe...

Why don't we just get
like food delivered in?

Like why don't we just do that?
Yeah...

Can't do that, unfortunately.

Oh, rude.

Me? Um, who is gonna order a beer?

Not me. No. Mm, no.

But her early stuff
had a completely different sound.

I know, she's on a major journey
and, you know, I'm here for it.

So, am I.
Who's that?

Ah, St Vincent.

The hospital?

Oh, Gordy!

I am so, so sorry about him.
It's alright. Alright.

Ah, you're hilaire, G.

(CLICKS TONGUE) You know, it.

Don't throw me
under the hipster bus, Chi.

That's not f*ckin' cool.
I'm already having a sh*t time.

OK.

She is so excellent.

But I'm married. To a man.
What is going on?

Calm down, mate.
You're twice her age.

Ah, hello pot, this is kettle.
You're old.

You'll always be older than me.

By like two months, mate.
That's right.

Whatever.

How good's Megan, eh?
Leave her alone.

What?
Hmm?

Huh?
I just...

I don't think she's into you.

I'm pretty sure
we just made some good eye contact.

I'm pretty sure
we just made some good eye contact.

Just leave her alone.

Why?

Because Gordon is not OK, OK?

He's not happy
about the way things are going.

You should sort that.
Talk to me.

I mean, there's no spot next to Ash,

she's not introducing me to anybody.

I'm basically a f*ckin' waiter
at my girlfriend's party.

Listen up, right?

Focus.
Yep.

Focus, yeah?
OK, yeah, this is good.

That...
Yeah, is your woman.

You're great together.
Yes.

You're a sex god
in an amazing outfit.

It's good.
%.

Get in there, do your thing.
I needed this. Thank you.

You can do this.
Alright.

Nice.

And stop hassling the women.
OK.

Lesson learned.
Don't buy a white couch.

Alright, alright, alright!

So, what we have here...
Some tiny beers that cost more.

(LAUGHTER)
(ALL SNAPPING)

Haven't heard that one before.

Oh, good boy!
Ah...

Oh, no, don't feed him.
Don't feed him.

Oh, this man
doesn't like you very much.

What? No, it's my dog.

Are any of these gluten-free?

Are any of these gluten-free?

Uh, no...
Where can I charge my phone?

Your Wi-Fi is so bad.
I know, it's the worst.

Yeah.
So, anyway...

Whatever.
..enjoy these, guys.

It's my summer series.

Um, cheers.
Actually, you know, what?

I might just barge in here,
if you don't mind,

with my rhubarb sour,
called Rhubarbara.

What are you doing?

Sorry, I don't believe we've met.
I'm Gordon.

Ashley knows me.

Usually. Ash?
Ash.

Sorry. No, I was just voicemail.

Um, everyone, this is Gordon.

He's... so, yeah, he's my friend.

OTHERS: Ohh!
Yeah.

Oh, there she is!
I was looking for Willow.

Oh, my god!

Thank sh*t.
I thought you were just the waiter.

f*ckin' random.

No, no, no, I'm Gordon.
I'm Gordon and I own the brewery.

So, hello again, everyone.

It's great, Gordon. I love it.

Thanks, Meggles.

Hi.
Yeah, no, it's cute.

Yeah, great, thank you.
Yeah, we've done a...

I'm Scout.
Hey, Scout. Hey.

Actually, Scout, Scout,
Scout, Scout, Scout!

Actually, Scout, Scout,
Scout, Scout, Scout!

Just thought I'd stop you...
Doesn't matter.

But on the next one,
I know they're small,

but they're actually not sh*ts,
or sh**t.

They are designed to be sipped.

Or experienced, really...
(BELCHES)

..because we make everything
in-house with local ingredients.

In fact, you'll like this.

We've recently changed the supplier

for the oranges for our Hops
and Dreams Pale Ale.

In fact, that's the one
that you have there, mate.

Ooh, yummy, mate.

Yeah, yeah. So, anyway.

But you know,
you don't have to have that one.

Have whichever. Cheers.

Cheers, cheers.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(WHISPERS) Just look in the back!
SCOUT (WHISPERS) No, I can't...

(ROMAN AND SCOUT MUTTER)

Who's a good boy!

I put the ketamine in here, like...

Hey?

I passed it back to you.

No, no, no, no.
You like me the most, don't you?

How good are pretzels?

I never eat them but then
when I do eat them...

Oh, yas, Zadie! They're coming!

Oh!
Oh, I love her.

Who's that?
Zadie.

Who's that?
Zadie.

Sadie and?
It's Zadie and nobody else.

Just Zadie.
Oh, sure, totally.

No, I just thought
you were talking about

a big group of people called Zadie.

That's alright.
Um, I'll get her a seat.

Oh, no, you'll get them a seat.

Yeah, uh... What?

They're non-binary, Gordon.

Right.
Oh, honey, your boomer is showing.

No, actually, it's not, man,

because we have a
genderless bathroom here.

So, your arsehole is showing.
(LAUGHS, SNAPS)

Um, hey there. I'm Gordon.
What's your name?

Willow.
'Course you are. Yep. That fits.

Lovely long arms. Willowy.

Can I grab you for a second?
Yeah.

Wow.
Great.

Sorry to steal the woman
of the hour.

Just say person of the hour.

f*ckin' hell.

So, that guy's the worst.
No, he's not, he's fine.

That's Ryan
and he's just testing you.

OK, well, I'm not passing.

I mean, you know
I'm an ally and all that sh*t.

I just missed it.

Yeah, you did,
and you were a bit rude.

I'm rude?
You need to relax.

I'm relaxed. I am relaxed.

Trust me.
OK.

Trust me.
OK.

I just want them to...
I mean, do they like it here?

Yeah, they're getting there.
They like it everywhere.

(PHONE CHIMES)
They're animals.

OK.

You OK?

I thought Dad messaged me,
but he didn't.

He still hasn't.

Have you not heard
from your dad at all?

No.

I'm sorry, that's sh*t.

Um, but listen,
I did get you something.

Oh.

Sorry, it's a few days late,

and I just wanted to make sure
it was right.

But um... And it's nothing big.

It's just... But open it.

Oh, my god.

You like it?

I love it. I love it.

Good. Anyway...

Can you put it on me?
Yeah?

Yeah.
Alright.

Turn around?
Yeah.

Look nice?
Beautiful. Beautiful.

Thank you, Gordon.
You're welcome.

Thank you, Gordon.
You're welcome.

Hey there,
I have a little birthday surprise.

Ooh, here we go.

My passion project.
Secret off-licence gin.

She never does...
This is very special.

I see myself
as a bootlegger of sorts.

A gin madam, if you will.

Are we happy with gin madam?
I don't know, is that good?

I liked it.
Oh, thank you!

Gin madam.
I distilled this last spring.

Mmm!
It is tart.

It's berry forward.
Berry forward.

And it has hints of Chilean pepper.
Mmm!

So, happy birthday to you, .

(GLASSES CLINK)
Thank you!

Hey, are they doing sh*ts?

GROUP: sh*ts! sh*ts!
sh*ts! sh*ts! sh*ts!

No, guys, these are off-licence.

sh*ts! sh*ts! sh*ts! sh*ts! sh*ts!
No, we're not.

f*ckin' whoo!

('SUPERHEROES' BY BLACK CAB PLAYS)

Stop moving! Stop moving! f*ck!

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Yo! Yo!

So, much for some quiet drinks
with nerds.

Yeah, she played you.

How'd the necklace go?
It went great.

I knew it.
It went great. Yeah.

OK, desert island, three things.

OK, desert island, three things.

Go.
Oh.

Um, first aid kit, machete, goggles.

f*ck. You're hardcore.
Yes I am.

Hey, hey, hey, not inside.

Not even gonna take your kids
or your husband.

Or music.
No, they're dead weight.

Music would be pointless.
Do not test me on this, Miss Megan.

I watch a lot of 'Naked and Afraid'.

(LEVER CLICKS, BEER SPLASHES)

Has anyone...
Oh!

Has anyone ever told you
that you're fascinating,

and very beautiful?

No.

Oh, come on.

So, are you.

You know, what it is?

It's like a watering hole
in the African savannah.

You been to Africa?

No, I don't need to. I got YouTube.
Mm.

Oi, check it out.

You can tell who's in charge,
who's half dead, who's in trouble.

You know, what?

I just don't remember
ever drinking this much

when I was their age.

That's because you drank this much.

Yeah, well, I'm falling behind.

Famous last words, bro.
We'll see.

I've gotta go home.
I mean, I've... I've got a family.

I've gotta go home.
I mean, I've... I've got a family.

And I want to move
to Bowral with her,

and I wanna bake sourdough.

Who, Megan?

I am intoxicated by her.
I've gotta go. I've gotta go.

Where'd she go?

To the bathroom.
OK

Can you look after her?
I will.

Hey, not like that.
I would actually k*ll you.

Chi, I love you,
and I'm very sorry about all this.

Oh, it's OK.

Just keep charging them
for drinks...

Yep.

..and lock the door at midnight.
Yeah.

And tell me not to leave Andre.

Don't leave Andre.

Did you say leave Andre?

Don't leave Andre.

OK. Love you guys.

Love you.
Love you too.

Bye. I've gotta go.
f*ckin' hell.

I know, right?

Hey, who's this joker?

sh*t, this is the ex.

GROUP: James! James! James! James!

Hi!
Hey! Buddy!

No, outside food or beverage, mate.

GROUP: Boo!

That's rude!

Shut up!

Look at this f*ckin' guy.
He's like a...

he's a f*ckin' dreamboat.

Look at him.
Yeah, look at him.

He's f*cking gorgeous.

Tall, dark and handsome.
Look at him.

How tall is he?
I don't know. ' "?

Jesus Christ. This is...
I mean, what the f*ck.

Here's what you do, alright?
Look at me.

Yeah?
Yeah.

Yeah?
Yeah.

Walk in there...
Alright.

With authority...
Yeah.

Like you're in Africa.
OK.

Yeah? OK. Yeah?
Yeah.

Deepen your voice.

Yeah.
Yeah?

(DEEP VOICE) Yeah.
Puff out your chest.

There you go.
Yeah.

Give him a firm handshake.
Yeah.

Firmer.
Yeah.

Firmer.
Yeah.

Firmer!
Yeah.

Silverback the prick.
f*ck yeah.

Harder.
f*ck.

Harder! Come on! f*ck!

f*ck!
f*ck yeah! Yeah! Yeah. Yeah.

I didn't know, you were coming.

Ryan texted me.

Ah, 'course he did.

Gidday mate, how ya goin?
Gordon.

Good to meet you, James.
Heard a lot about ya.

I've heard so much about you, too.
Have ya?

I love your outfit too, man.
Thanks mate. Yeah.

That's so awesome, Ashy.
I didn't know, your dad was coming.

(LAUGHS)

Are you f*ckin' for real?
That is funny.

You're not... He's not your...

No, mate, I'm not her dad.

Obviously.

Ah, he's actually my boyfriend,
so...

OK. Alright.
I'm sorry, Gavin.

No, it's Gordon, actually.
You can probably head off, mate.

No, it's Gordon, actually.
You can probably head off, mate.

This is my place.
Don't kick him out.

You're being weird. Don't be weird.
I'm being weird?

Yeah.
You're being weird.

You know, what? f*ck this.
Oh.

Oi, Gordon!
Grab us another round...

No, mate, I can't f*ckin'
grab you anything, alright?

And stop eating the f*ckin' pizza,
alright, OK?

Leave the dog. Leave him.
Don't f*ckin'... You want pizza?

f*ckin' order pizza off this.
We have flatbread, it's delicious.

We worked really
f*cking hard on this sh*t.

And stop turning
the f*ckin' music up!

We have a licence here.
We have neighbours here.

(LAUGHTER)

He's normally... cool.

Yeah. Seems it.

Honey, I'm so embarrassed for her.

I got you something.

I know,
this was your favourite shirt

when you stayed over, so, yeah.

I love this shirt.

It smells good.

♪ Try your luck with me

♪ Try your luck,
Please try your luck,

♪ Try your luck with me

♪ Try your luck,
Please try your luck,

♪ Try your luck with me

♪ Oh, take a second

♪ You're looking in the mirror
And you see my reflection

♪ You know, it's good

♪ And you getting on your knees
Like a good boy should

♪ And if I think about it. ♪

f*ckin' f*ck!

Meggles, leave it, leave it,
leave it, leave it.

No, don't drink it,
don't drink it, no!

Don't drink that.

Gross.
Yes.

That tastes sad.
Yes. Yep, yep, yep, that is sad.

You OK?
Yeah.

Chiara's very special.
Mm-hm.

Does she like women?
I don't think so, no.

She's married to a man.

She's married to a man.

Although he doesn't have
a lot of arm hair or leg hair.

That's beautiful.

Do you like women?

I don't know. Only when I drink.

Well, you probably do, then.

Don't be so binary...
Don't drink... Don't drink it!

Eugh! I forgot.

It's better the second time.
Let me take that.

There we go.

Hey.

You have a kind face.

Thank you. So, do you.
Thank you.

Yours is like Play-Doh.

Squishy. Squishy and malleable.

Alrighty. Thank you.

You like Ash a lot, don't you?

I really do.

What do you like about her?

Well, right now
she shits me to tears...

Mm.

..but usually
she's sort of brilliant.

I mean, she's usually...

I've never met anyone like her,
you know?

And she sort of came out
of nowhere as well...

And she sort of came out
of nowhere as well...

I think... I think
I over-trusted a fart during that.

OK. Yeah, alright.

Well, you go sort
yourself out, then.

OK.
Alright?

Hey, Megan, do you wanna play
beer pong with me?

Shat myself.
Cool.

(CHEERING LOUDLY)
(GLASS SHATTERING)

(LOUD MUSIC BLASTS)
The f*ck?

What in the f*ck is happening?
Can you get down, please?

Hey! Hey!
(INAUDIBLE).

Get off the bar!
Get off the bar.

Shut the music off.
Yeah, sweet, sweet.

Excuse me.

What? Hey! Hey, what the f*ck!

Get the f*ck...

Right, that's it, out!
Everybody out.

(THUDS)
Oh, sh*t!

(MUSIC STOPS)

Are you OK, mate? Are you OK?

All good.

Whoo!
Hey, mate, are you OK?

No, I'm fine.

Brett, call an ambulance.

No, no, no, no. Honestly, I'm fine.

You're not fine. You just fell m.

I don't have travel insurance.

OK. Alright, party's over, everyone.
Get out.

(ALL PROTEST)

Hey, hey,
your mate just nearly d*ed.

Oh, no, he's not with us.

Who're you with, mate?
Whoo!

OK, licence is over. You gotta go.

OK, ah, now
I am calling the bill $ ,

which let's face it,
is extremely generous.

Brett is gonna put that on the bar.

Somebody had better come up
and sort that out now.

I'm an influencer.
I don't pay for sh*t.

I don't care.

Ash said this was free.
Hmm?

Did you, Ash?

Yes.

No...
You said you'd take care of us...

It. Us.

Have I not?

OK, calm down, Grandpa.

(LAUGHTER)

Ryan, you are an absolute c**t.

Whoa!

OK. Hey, OK.

Um, thanks for coming, everyone.
Let's just...

I mean, yeah.
And thanks, Gordon, you know for...

I mean, yeah.
And thanks, Gordon, you know for...

So...

Um, can we all go back
to yours, Ryan,

and I'll come over soon?

Of course, honey. Mi casa, su casa.
Thanks.

But not you casa.

♪ Ha...

ALL: ♪ Happy birthday to you. ♪

Nah, don't.

It's all meh. Don't.
ALL: ♪ Happy birthday to you. ♪

Stop it. Please stop it.
Stop it, guys.

Whoo!

(DOOR SQUEAKS, SHUTS)

(KEYS JINGLE)

Sorry, hey. Are you mad at me?

Yeah.
Why? What'd I do?

What'd you do?

You just stood there all night

and watched while your friends
shat on me.

Yeah,
they... they were bad and I'm sorry.

Um, is anything broken?

Oh, it's fine. Don't worry about it.
But I hope Ryan dies.

Oh, it's fine. Don't worry about it.
But I hope Ryan dies.

Like tonight.

Is that all?
No, actually, it's not.

I don't appreciate

being treated like a warm prop
in front of your ex.

You weren't.

You ignored me all night

and then you grabbed my d*ck
in front of James.

I did not grab your d*ck.

You f*cking did.

I don't know
how this is gonna work, Ash,

if this is a night out with you
and your mates.

Maybe the age difference
is too much, I don't know.

OK.

I just don't party
like that anymore.

Oh, don't you?
Why are you still drinking then?

Because I just finished work.
Right.

But people in there
were doing f*ckin' nangs

and snorting dexies.

Yeah, it got loose
because it was my birthday party.

It's not always like this.

Well, I'm past that.

Are you?
Yeah.

Yeah, I am.
Yeah.

No, you'd prefer just to drink
two bottles of red wine

and play online poker for hours.

That's real healthy.

You're mean.
No, I'm not, you're mean.

You embarrassed me
in front of my friends!

How? By being the consummate host?
I did everything.

You were tense
and you were f*ckin' rude!

I wasn't...
And then you kicked them all out!

I was tense

because I wanted everything
to be f*cking perfect.

Well, it wasn't.

Well, according to your mate, James,

your dad did show up after all,
so you're welcome.

Wow, that's nice.
(CAN CRUSHING)

I don't think things
are meant to be this hard

this early on.

I agree.

We shouldn't have kept the dog,

because this isn't working.

I don't need this then, do I?

Later.

Later?
Yeah, Gordon.

You just broke up with me,
so, f*ck off!

We are done!

Fine!

(GATE THUDS AND RATTLES)
Ah!

Oh!

f*ckin' hell.

♪ Old lover, you miss me

♪ Over the ocean,
I hope this finds you well

♪ Warm sun on my back

♪ The Earth on its axis

♪ The v*olence when we met

♪ We're good people

♪ We're good people

♪ But why don't we show it?

♪ Dead birds on the stairwell

♪ Some ugly morning

♪ Fell from their nests

♪ No, don't tell your parents

♪ When we start sharing

♪ Each other's beds

♪ We're good people

♪ But why don't we show it? ♪

(ANIMALS HOWLING, CHIRPING)

(TIGER PURRING)