01x08 - High Needs People

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Colin From Accounts". Aired: December 1, 2022 - present.
Ashley and Gordon are brought together by a car accident and an injured dog, and learn to navigate life together.
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01x08 - High Needs People

Post by bunniefuu »

Do I seem less intuitive to you?

I just had some Botox
in my third eye.


Looks better though, doesn't it?

Yeah, Mum. Looks good.

Oh, stop mooning over him, darling.

I'm not mooning over him.
I'm mooning over Colin.

That's who I meant!

you can't have a crippled dog.

You're gonna be a doctor.
You'll be knee-deep in cripples.

You need a nice cavoodle
or something.

I don't want a cav...



Lee, what are you doing?


Just doing my Duolingo, darling.

Well, we can hear you.

Is he doing Duolingo, Mum?

(WHISPERS) I don't know.


Oh, he's almost here.

I can't do this.
I can't give him back!

Oh, darling, it'll be OK.

Think of the family
who thought they'd lost him forever.

I... I don't know, why I called them.

Just because you ran over a dog
doesn't mean he's yours.

I didn't run him over.
It was Gordon.

But he said you
distracted him though.

What on earth were you doing
that was so watchable?


He's just... He's a shit driver.

I have to go.

Well, don't I get to say goodbye
to dear little Colin?

Dear little Colin?
You've never even patted him.

I don't pat animals, darling.
I lay hands.

He doesn't need your horse reiki.

Yes, he does.
Don't do this.

I have to go.

I have to go.

His sacral region.

Of course it's there.

It's the relationship chakra.

Yeah, Mum,
that's f*ck... that's f*ck enough.

OK, wait. Wait.
I haven't grounded him yet...

None of us are grounded, Mum.



This guy, what'd he sound like?
Was he nice, or...

Ahh, he sounded,
I don't know, normal.

Was he happy
to get his dog back at least?

I don't...
I think so. I couldn't really tell.

How's your hand?

Oh, it's ahh, Boxer's fracture.

Oh, f*ck.

It doesn't matter.

It does matter.

Look, should we call this guy?

He's minutes late.
Yes, OK.



Hi, Matt, how are you...
Where are you?

I've been for half an hour.

Oh, we're at the elephant.

Yeah, I'm at the elephant.

Oh, no...

Oh, I think I see...

He hung up. OK.

Cool guy.

Here we go.
Here we go, here we go, Col.

What the f*ck happened?

Oh, shit, did you not tell him?
No, I did...

What happened to Bandit?

Sorry, I told you on the phone
that he was hit by a car.

No, you don't.
I did.

We don't know
who was driving the car though.

We don't know
who was driving the car though.

You didn't tell me he was...

Oh, f*ck's sake!

Hey, he's... he's OK.

He's still a good dog.
He made it.

No, it isn't, mate.

He's got wheels
for f*ck back legs.

No, we... we know that, mate.
But he's... he's...

Let's just calm down, alright?

Hey why don't you calm down?

My ten-year-old boy was devastated
when his dog ran away.

He's been crying ever since.

He comes home from school
with paintings of Bandit in heaven

and Bandit in a coffin,

and now he's having dreams that

zombie Bandit's f*ck stuck
in his closet.

Oh, that's awful.

Yeah, it is awful.

And then I get your phone call
and I'm thinking,

I'm gonna reunite him with his dog

and now, I've gotta let him down
all over again.

Why? He's alive.

What do you expect me to do,

build f*ck ramps
for the f*ck thing?

Are you actually saying
that you don't want your dog back?

I never f*ck wanted the dog!

My boy wanted a dog,
but he doesn't pick its shit up

and walk the little c**t.

OK, are you right, mate?

No, I'm not f*ck right

'cause I've gotta go and tell my boy
that this isn't the same f*ck dog,

'cause it's not, is it?

'Cause this dog's f*cked.

No, you're a bit f*cked,
aren't ya mate, ya f*ck cretin?

No, you're a bit f*cked,
aren't ya mate, ya f*ck cretin?

Gordon, don't. Come on. Gordon.

What are...

What are you gonna f*ck do,

Do you want me to break
your other f*ck hand?

Have a f*ck swing, mate.
Have a f*ck swing.

Is he being serious?
Are you, mate?

(MIMICKING) Are you, mate?
Don't be a f*ck idiot, mate...

Come on. Well, f*ck...

Yes, I don't think you are, Gordon.

Mate, I'll f*ck
put my good hand behind my back.


Have you ever thought
you might have a problem with rage?

I said sorry.

Oh, only after you realised

he was gonna b*at the shit
out of you.

what sort of dickhead thr*at

a guy with one hand?

And why do you have one hand?

I'm not really at my best,
currently, Ash, alright?

Yeah, but you go from to a ...

No, I wasn't at zero.

I was already mid- s.
The guy is an arsehole.

What do we do?

What do you mean?

Well, I can't look after him
if we're, you know, if...

I can't do it alone.

Can you?

No, I can't, not by myself.

Do you know anyone
who's looking for a dog?



Hello, mate.

Are your neighbours
still up for a dog?

I don't think so, man.

I think they went
to the rescue place down in Mascot.


What... what place?
We're near Mascot now.

Couldn't tell you.

Bretty, is it...
Is it Jenny's Animal Shelter, maybe?

Yeah, that's the one.

So, Meggles, she's a cool chick.

Yeah, yep, she's great. Why?

What's her story? Is she single?

f*ck. She might be, yep.


You wouldn't mind
giving us her number?

I thought Chiara warned you off,

Chiara's married with kids.
She's kidding herself.

Big talk, mate.

Who's kidding herself?

Ooh, you're f*cked now.

Um, how about
I'll text her your number?

I think that's better.
Cool. Bye.

Not kidding yourself, you know.

What, are you going to call Megan?

Are you? You're married, Chi.

Yeah, I know that, Brett.
I know that.

You OK?

No, I'm not.
I really liked her the other day.


Oh, I didn't know you...
you swung from vine to vine.

Well, before Andre,
I had a couple of...

Sips from the furry cup?

Come on.

Sorry, I just didn't know
you dined at the Y?


Sorry. Alright? Go on.

Well, you know,
Andre and I got together so young.

Sort of just haven't opened
that door since.

Look, Chi, if this is a big,

you know, moment for you
then I won't call her, OK?

You know, moment for you
then I won't call her, OK?


I think she's a really cool chick,

but it's alright.

It's cool.

I'm married, for f*ck's sake.


Oh, wow, it's Megan.

"Hey, just got your number
from Ash".

Up for a bevy if I...

..drop round in the next hourish?

'Where do you stand on threesomes?

Are you on crack?



Are we sure this is the place?

Yep, it's got one review
from Numbskull ,

which says,
"Big boi got big balzzz."

Sounds good.
That was three years ago.



That one has one eye.

When did that happen?

Look at that f*cking wolf thing.

That's from 'Game of Thrones'.

That's 'Jon Snow's dog.

Oh, shit, look at that one.

Oh, he can jump.

He's a jumper.

I can't look at him.

Ooh, bad dog.
That's a... That's a bad dog.

No, he's OK. He's chained up.
He's chained up. That's alright.

What about that one?
He's here. Oh!

OK. Well, he can't go in here.

Pick him up. Pick him up.

Well, no,
he's got... he's got his wheels on.

Yeah, well,
you have to pick him up anyway.

Like my hand, I can't...
Just pick the dog up...

Yep, OK. Very good.

OK, here we go.
Oh, god.

Oh, f*ck, he's lunch.

Look at him, he's lunch.
No, we're good, we're good.

Go, go, go. And relax.
Just breathe.

Oh, my god.

That's it. Be confident.
Be confident. We're good.

He's really big.
No, he's good, he's good.

That's the one with one eye.
We're all good.

Just be confident.
We're the top dog.

Just be confident.
We're the top dog.

We're the top dogs.
I don't think we are.

Yeah, yeah.
Oh, my goodness!

All good? All good?
No, I'm great. OK, top dog.

You know, what?
Be confident and laugh.


Get down!

What the bloody hell
are youse doing?

Youse are meant
to use the back gate.

Oh, hi, we didn't realise.

There was one. Sorry.

Yeah, you're right.
You droppin' off or pickin' up?

Ahh, potentially dropping off.

Legs buggered?
Ahh, yes.

Does it come with the rig?

Yes, he needs them.
The rig is... Yeah.


So, do you have... Ooh!

Any experience
with special needs dogs?

Dogs are dogs, love.

$ for drop off.

Ahh, he might need
his urine expressed, though.

Do you know, how to do that?
Yeah, no worries.

But... but do you know how to do it?

You droppin' off or not?

Ahh, well, possibly,
but this is a high-needs dog.

Nah, youse are high-needs people.

Dogs are dogs. Shut up, Bobo.

Dogs are dogs. Shut up, Bobo.

Gordon, I really...
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I think we should go.

Bugger youse then.
Fricken time wasters.

Sorry, Jenny.
Come on, Bobby.

Come on. Come on, inside.

Right, here he comes.
Good boy. Come on! Inside!

Good boy.
Come on!

Gordon, you've backed me up
against the gate.

Alright, can we...
I can't open the f*cking gate.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Move forward.

Jesus Christ.

Yeah, I mean, so,
Jenny's definitely not vaccinated.

Wouldn't have thought so.


Hey, mate, the neighbours
are still looking for a dog.

Oh, really?
Oh, what?

They said that... that rescue place
was a bit weird.

A bit? f*ck hell.
My god.

Anyway, Phoebe is the Mum's name.

I'll text you all her dets
and she'll be expecting your call.

But they're a really nice family.

OK. Yep, sounds good man.

Thanks, Brett.
Did... did Meggles text?

Yeah. She... Yeah.

Is everything OK?

Yep. Yep. Yep.

It's cool. Cool, cool.

What's that mean?

Ahh, nah. All good.
She did, thanks.

Ahh, nah. All good.
She did, thanks.

Anyways, gotta crack on. OK.


See ya.



What do you think,
should we do this?

Yeah, I mean,
anything's better than that.



Oh, and it turned out
the British guy, Nigel.


Yeah, is some drug dealer mate
of Roman's.

Sorry, what British guy?

The one that fell out the window.

Sorry, someone fell out the window?

Well, did he survive?

Yeah, but now he's suing us.

Gordon told me you'd freak out.

Freak out?

What was he doing up there?
I don't know!

Maybe I should go.
BOTH: No, no, no.

Sorry, that's so...

This is so boring.
Don't do that, no.

We don't want to hear
about all this work stuff.

You didn't come here for that.

Did you?

No, you did not come here

so, that you could hear about Brett
and Gordon's incompetence.

Hey guys, is a debit card OK?

Hey guys, is a debit card OK?

Oh, no, no, no, this is on us.

No, no, no, for the party.
It's $ , yeah?

You're paying for the whole party?

Um, yeah.

I... I think Ash got the impression
that Gordon would pay,

which is... which is our bad.

Meggles, look, Gordo can pay
for his girlfriend's party.

Come on.

Ahh, actually I think they broke up.


Well, whatever.
You're not paying for this.

Is she, Chi?

No, way. No, no, no.
This is on us.

Are you serious?

Yep. Deadly.

Oh, my god, thank you guys.

Thank you so much. You're the best.


Oh, thank you.
Thank you.

Thank you really.

Thank you, Bretty, mwah.

You guys are f*cking legends.

Oh, you're a legend.
Oh, you are.

And I just...

I hope I didn't make too much
of a dick of myself at the party.

No, hey, hey,
we had some really good chats.

Yeah, so, did we.

It's embarrassing for me

It's embarrassing for me

because I actually don't remember
anything after shots.

I was wasted.

Yeah, me too. You think I remember?

Oh, for sure.
I don't...

Sorry, was I even talking to you?


What'd we even... Did we talk.
Yeah. Exactly.

I don't know, did we talk?


Thank you. Thanks, guys.

Thank you for coming in.
See ya.



Can I have a...
Shut up! Shut up.

Third time lucky.



I'm Phoebe. Hi, Gordon and Ashley.

Hello, Phoebe, how are you?

Oh, there you are!

Look at this precious little man.

Hello! Oh, kisses!

Oh, kisses. Thank you!

Please, come on in.
Would you like a coffee, or a tea?

BOTH: Oh. Um... Do you wanna...

Oh, please you can meet Angus

and Berlin is so excited
to meet this little guy.

Yeah, OK.
Yes, great.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Come in!


You have frizzy hair.

What do I have?

Frizzy hair.
Oh, do I?

She does, yeah, yeah.
My Mum's prettier.


Our chihuahua, Peppy, died
the year before last.

He was , you know.

So, it really took us
a long time to get over it.

Oh, yeah, I bet.

Good innings.

And when Brett's Mum, Diana,
told us about this dog

we just thought,
you precious little thing.

And seeing him here, he really is.

Yeah, he's very special.

Did she mention that
he might need help doing a wee,

going to the toilet in time?

Yep, already YouTubed that
and ready to go, so...

Oh, wow.

That's great.


And if... if I could ask one favour?


If you wouldn't mind not
changing his name

because it would be his third name

and it just might be
a bit confusing for him.

What was... What was his name again?


Yeah, it's a weird name for a dog.

Yeah, don't love it.

Ahh, well, I mean,
something then that sounds like,

you know, ah, like Corin?


Or Gollum?

From 'Lord Of The Rings'.
Yeah, nah.

What do you want
to call him, Berlin?


Are you sure, sweetheart?

Peppy was... Peppy's name.

I want Peppy.

Oh. She does know that...
that's not Peppy, though, so...

Of course she does.

But I think
if she wants to call him Peppy,

it doesn't matter.

Do you love Peppy, darling?
Peppy, come here. Peppy! Peppy!

Oh, Peppy it is.

Yay! Vroom! Vroom!
Ahh, no, don't do that.

Can we not... Can we not do that?
Vroom! Vroom!

Be gentle, Berlin.
Vroom! Vroom!

Stop. How do you make...

Can you be gentle, Berlin.
She's being gentle.

He's my dog now.

Peppy! Come on, Peppy!

Thank you for not making
it a big goodbye.

It's less traumatic for Peppy.

Yeah, of course. No, worries.


And just let us know
if you've got any questions,

any issues, anything.

Of course.
Day or night.

I'm sure we'll be fine.


Cool, cool.
Let's go.

Yeah, and just send some photos
when you can.

OK. Well, take care.
It was so lovely to meet you both.

OK, bye.

Was that the right thing to do?

I think so.

Will he be OK?

I mean...

Dogs are pragmatists, you know?
I mean...

Yeah, he's special,
but he's gonna...

He's gonna love
whoever feeds him, won't he?

That was always the deal
between humans and dogs.

That was always the deal
between humans and dogs.

It's always been the deal, you know?

We let them sit near the campfire
and we'd feed them scraps,

and they'd protect us

when the lions were nearby,
you know?

So, it's...

it's kind of transactional.

Doesn't make it less real,
but it's fine.

He'll be happy.

Yeah, but we loved him.

Yeah. Yeah.


Hi, Mum.

Ashley, where are you?

I'm just with Gordon.
What's going on?

Something's happened. I need you.

What's happened?
Are you... Are you OK?

No, I'm not. It's Lee.

Please come here. I need you.

OK, OK, OK, just breathe.
Breathe, Mum.

OK, I'll be there soon.

What's wrong?
Oh, f*ck knows.

It's like she knew that
I was having a moment.



I'd better go see
what's up with Mum.


You OK?

I guess I'll see you round?

Yeah, definitely.

Is that it?



Well, I... I... I have to go.
Bye, Gordon.

Ciao for now.

I said, "No, Lee, it's not spam."

It's all over Facebook.

Everyone can see

how many Candy Crush games
you've played.

How many Candy Crush games
you've played.

He's played literally hundreds
of Candy Crush games

with this -year-old Korean girl,

but he kept saying it was spam.

Oh, you're joking, Mum.

But then I went through his phone,

and she's all through
his chatsnap as well.

And he's been sending her money,
my money.

And it's been going on for months.

Oh, my god. Mum, I'm so sorry.

You were right about him, Ashley.

You were.

Well, you know,
I'm... I'm sorry that I was right.

No, I'm sorry
that I didn't listen to you.

I'm sorry that I believed him
and not you.

You are my family.

It's OK, Mum.

No, it's not OK.
You're my only family.

I love you so much, Ashley Maree.

Oh, Mummy.


Oh, I've gotta take this.

Just make yourself comfortable,

Just make yourself comfortable,

This could take a while.

Well, what have you got to say
for yourself?

Don't call me
if you're going to lie to me.


Gordy, you left the window open.

Ahh, f*ck it.

Are you crying about us
or are you crying about Colin?

Ahh, oh, it's everything.

If it were like a pie chart,

what would it look like?


I don't know. It's a lot.

It's just, um...

this is a once in a year cry,
you know.

What's the saddest thing though?

Does it matter?

Well, yeah,

'cause I was just going
to have a little cry too and...

Were you?

I mean, it wasn't going to be like

an Irish keening
like what you're doing,

but you know,

'cause I just have lots of
little cries throughout the year.

What was yours about?

What was yours about?

Pie chart-wise.

I asked you first.


I think I accidentally
opened my heart

to a crippled dog...

And then you slipped through
the opening at the same time.

If this is falling in love,
I really don't like it.

I'm not a fan
'cause it's exhausting.

I feel a bit like I'm going insane.

Do you?

That's nice.
Is it?

So, what do we do?


I think we go get our dog back.

Oh, thank god.

Let's do it.

I hated that f*cking family.
Oh, they were f*cked.

Who calls their kid Berlin?

How are we gonna get him back?
Oh, I don't know.

We'll... we'll figure it out
on the way.

We are gonna make
that little girl cry though.


♪ I ain't got time
To roll the beast down

♪ But if I don't then
How I'm gon' eat?

♪ I'm doing just fine
With all of this pride

♪ I'm lucky I got somewhere to sleep

♪ I'm living on the word
Of other peoples' promises

♪ That I don't think
They even gon' keep

♪ They not gon' keep

♪ But they said I could "move in"
And "don't worry about the rent"

♪ But they really want me out
On the streets

♪ If they show you who they are

♪ You better believe them now

♪ 'Cause if you don't
You're gonna have problems

♪ You wanna worry around

♪ And put yourself in the ground

♪ 'Cause that's what happens
When you allow them... ♪


♪ But it ain't that type of party

♪ Oh, no

♪ Imma' make it baby,
You're gonna see

♪ Gonna see

♪ 'Cause it ain't that. ♪
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