01x01 - The Slap

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This programme contains
some strong language.

LAUGHTER

BREATHES SHAKILY

GASPS

Gut morgen!

Gut morgen!
Guten morgen!

SHE SCREAMS

Stop!

SHE WHIMPERS, WOMAN HUSHES HER

Toinette!

Think of your duty to me.

Your duty to Austria, to the
House of Habsburg, to the

Holy Roman Empire
and your duty to France.

RAGGED BREATHING

I look ridiculous.

You look French.

I have taken it upon myself

to prepare her for Versailles,
Count Mercien.

Charlotte was ideal for the
position,

but she was snapped up by
neighbours.

That's right.

France has perfected the art of
etiquette.

Our curtsies are copied all over the
world.

The first one is a simple bow.

The second is the queen of curtsies.

Lower, lower.

The head up to the side.

As you can see, she has a long way
to go.

Versailles is quick to pick up on
imperfections.

They have asked us to confirm she is
menstruating.

We have not replied.
And again.

Should we hold her back?

Anti-Austrian elements at Versailles
will twist it to their advantage.

We can't let a minor setback stand
in the way of Austrian diplomacy.

She is the final piece in
the Habsburg Bourbon puzzle.

Toinette! Toinette!
SHE GIGGLES

This is Count Mercy.

Our ambassador to France.

Archduchess?

Mercy will be your mentor at
Versailles.

Your French master is waiting for
you.

Excuse me, Count Mercy.

Duty calls.

She will need all the assistance
we can give her.

Is that good enough for Versailles?

DOG PANTS

HORSE WHINNIES

No!

Oh!

SHALLOW BREATHS

HORSE WHINNIES

GIGGLING

No!

It's enough.

It's goat's cheese mixed with
yoghurt.

Your father spread it on his toast.

He did not.

Use it at night to clean your face.

If I look like this on my wedding
night...

will Louis declares love for me?

Entertain the Dauphin.

Laughter brings joy to a marriage.

DUCKS CALL

Should I entertain him in bed?

SHE SNORTS

The marriage bed is
the place where husband

and wife lie together
in the greatest intimacy.

SHE EXHALES

Louis will guide you
like your father guided me.

Papa was gentle, but firm.

Ma!

Your job is to deliver the heir.

What if I can't?

You will have failed in your duty.

But most of all...

..you will have failed me.

Do I look like a French princess?

You will always
be an Austrian archduchess.

Who comes first?

Austria or France?

Who do you think?

Why would they hate me for being
Austrian?

Let me stay.

Please!

SHE SOBS

I can go next year.

Or even the year after.

You can't stay, Toinette.
Why? Why not?

The contract has been signed and
sealed.

Please?

Mama, don't.

Don't make me go.

I...

I will write to you.

SHE STAMPS HER FEET

You may go now.

Go!

Oh, stop!

Attention!

THE EMPRESS:

The moment you cross the border, you
will represent the Habsburg Empire.

SOFTLY: Come on.

I'm Madame de Noailles,
mistress of your household.

SHE CATCHES HER BREATH

Curtsy.

Take the dog.

No, no, no, that's my dog.

That's my dog.

Your dog is not welcome here.

Where are you taking him?

Back to Austria, where it belongs.

Mops!

A French princess does not
display her feelings.

Forward march!

HORSE WHINNIES IN BACKGROUND

And never cries in public.

We will be staying overnight at the
Royal Lodge.

You will be presented
to His Majesty, the King.

You will address him as Sire.

And then, Louis Auguste heir
apparent, following the untimely
death of his father.

You will address him as Monsieur.

Louis Stanislas Xavier, Comte de
Provence, heir presumptive, you will
address him as Sire.

Monsieur! Monsieur! Monsieur!

Where is Louis?

Coming, Sire. So is she!

Monsieur! Find him!

Find him!

MEN CALL OUT

Monsieur! Monsieur!

Monsieur! Monsieur!

Here you are.

Welcome.

You curtsey to His Majesty.
SHE GASPS

Oh, nonsense.

No need to stand on ceremony here.

Oh, no, you can save that for
Versailles.

It is an honour to make
your acquaintance, Monsieur.

Madame.

Oh, no, no, no. This is Provence,
Louis's brother.

Oh, here he is. Louis.

Louis. Here.

What have you caught?

Yes. Ah!

Do stop. Do stop.

You're making our heads spin.

Sorry.

Come and meet the family.

Yes.

Madame.

My daughters.

Adelaide and Victoire.

Madame.

And the Duke de Chartres.

I'm a cousin.

What a pleasure.

Ah, and this is
the Princess de Lamballe,

an Italian member of our family by
marriage.

If it is possible, you are prettier
than your picture.

Thank you.

I agree. Let's have a little lunch.

STEADY TAPS OF CUTLERY ON PLATES

THEY SLURP IN UNISON

SHE GIGGLES

SHE GIGGLES AGAIN

What are you laughing at?

She is amused by your manners,
Madame.

And who wouldn't be?

So just...hm?

Or perhaps
our Orleans cousin here

will have to teach
us all a lesson in decorum.

I can't wait.

HE LAUGHS

THEY SLURP IN UNISON

THE EMPRESS: Entertain the Dauphin.

Laughter brings joy to a marriage.

What is your favourite sport,
Monsieur?

HE BURPS

STIFLED LAUGHTER

Go on, lads.

You're in demand. Only plat du jour.

Please, don't get up.

Have you all been waiting for me?

What time do you call this?

My cabriolet broke down.

What is it with those wheels?

You must have a caleche for
the country.

Yes.

Who is she?

SHE GIGGLES

Who is she?

The Countess is here to entertain
Papa Croix.

I can do that.
I can be very entertaining.

HE LAUGHS

Would you like to feed me, Monsieur?

Clumsy idiot.

Speak up. Shut up.

We can't hear you. Shut up!

HE SHUSHES THEM

FLY BUZZES

Provence cannot forgive his elder
brother for stealing his crown.

Does he wash?

Louis lives in a world of his own.

How am I supposed to share a bed
with a boy who smells?

He hunts every morning.

He won't change his routine,
not even for you.

But he's a good boy.

Provence is the one with the waspish
tongue.

At least he spoke to me.

These two.

They terrify me.

When I first arrived at Versailles,
I could not believe my eyes.

"Lamballe," I said,
"are they the king's daughters

"or are they medieval witches?

"Will they curtsy or burn me at the
stake?"

They don't like me.

They don't like anyone, but
they will soon learn to love you.

You are adorable.

Sweet.

It's not gonna bite you.

It might!

First impressions?

The little archduchess.

She seemed full of beans,
didn't she, eh?

If she were a filly...

I'd say she has strong hind legs
and a frisky tail.

But she should have fewer
oats in her fodder.

LAUGHTER

Short, skinny, flat chested...

flat feet, and she's a ginger!

I wouldn't say she's that bad.

Did you see that vile Habsburg lower
lip? So common.

She's too dreadful for words.
Dreadful. Stop that.

Stop what? I'm hearing my echo.

Remind me, du Barry,
where were you educated?

Was it a slum in Marseille
or on the streets of Paris?

It won't be long before she delivers
YOUR son.

I'm not ready to be a father.

We must get to know our little
Dauphine.

Let's keep her in our sights,
Provence.

I enjoy target practice.

IMITATES g*nsh*t

SHE GIGGLES

Why didn't we go with them?

French protocol.

You must spend your first night at
Versailles with Louis

as husband and wife.

I can't imagine what's going to
happen tomorrow.

Don't ask. Will he try it?

Will he try to kiss me?

You'll get down on your knees and
pray that he doesn't.

Do I have to kiss HIM?

You must know. You're married.

I'm a widow.

Goodnight.

Sweet, sleep well.

We have a full agenda tomorrow.

DOOR OPENS

DOOR CLOSES

SHE GASPS

DISTANT THUDDING

FLOOR CREAKS

Curtsey.

Curtsey.

MOVEMENT AND SHUSHING

SHE GASPS

SHE PANTS

BREATHING SETTLES

SHE EXHALES

HORSE WHINNIES

INDISTINCT CHATTER

RAGGED BREATHS

INAUDIBLE CHATTER
INCREASES IN VOLUME

The Duke de Choiseul, His Majesty's
Prime Minister.

Welcome to Versailles, Dauphine.

Choiseul is the architect
of the Austro-French Alliance.

We prefer to call it the
Franco-Austrian Alliance.

This is the man who chose you
to marry the Dauphin.

Will he speak to me?

I'm certain he will,
with your encouragement.

LIVELY CHATTER

THE EMPRESS: When you arrive at
Versailles, everyone will be staring
at you, Toinette.

They won't be looking at your pretty
face or your elegant dress.

They will be gazing at the future
Queen of France.

Any imperfections will reflect badly
on you.

But of more importance,
they will reflect badly on me.

GASPS

STIFLED CHUCKLES

Take it very slowly.

I tripped.

So what?

Well, they noticed.

Who cares if they did?

How was the mistress of your
household?

She ordered me to curtsy and then
she said it again.

Calm down.
She took my pug at the border.

Why?

He was too Austrian.

I will raise the matter through
diplomatic channels.

Don't tell mama.

That won't be necessary.

I found a casket of jewels.

They belong to Louis's late mother.

They are yours now.

SHE MUTTERS

CLOCK CHIMES

SHE SIGHS

Who lived here?

The Dauphine, Louis's mother.

Is this the dead Dauphine?

Don't speak about her like that.

Her memory is sacred to everybody
who served her.

Monsieur!

HE SHUSHES

Monsieur, it's time to get ready,
sire.

The late Dauphine left instructions
for your daily routine.

You will rise every morning and say
your prayers.

You have minutes to complete your
ablutions.

Three minutes with your hairbrush
will suffice.

Vanity will not be tolerated at
Versailles.

Stop!

Stop!

Seemly enough for you, monsieur.

You will be dressed in public
under strict rules of precedence.

No-one can touch the Dauphine other
than the mistress of her household,

members of the royal family
or a princess of the blood.

Any questions?

Did she leave any instructions for
my wedding night?

No.

What is required of me?

God will be your guide.

What has God got to do with it?

She seems a little underdeveloped to
me.

I was fully formed at her age.

You think she's ready?

I can prepare her.

My boy would like that.

Has your boy discovered his prick?

He could start by putting his hand
down his trousers.

That would be a step in the right
direction.

SHE GASPS

Touchy.

You cross my grandson
and you cross me.

Hm?

THE EMPRESS: When you give birth to
the Bourbon heir, you will guarantee
peace for our ancient empires.

The fate of millions of people rests
on your slim shoulders, Toinette.

SHE SHUSHES HIM GENTLY

GASPS

Oopsie!

Will you have this man to be your
husband?

Will you have this man to be your...

I will.

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

You may kiss the bride.

BELL RINGS

FIREWORKS CRACKLE

# Put him in bed with
the Empress's daughter...

# Early in the morning

# He's gonna reach
the Austrian border

# He's gonna reach the
Austrian border

# He's gonna reach
the Austrian border

# Early in the morning. #

# Way-hey, up he rises

# Way-hey,
up he rises

# Way-hey, up he rises

# Early in the morning. #

LAUGHTER

May I offer you a seat, Countess?

Good work, Noailles.

The only thing that's missing is her
wimple.

This is Versailles, Countess,
not a brothel.

Sit down.

Keep watch over her and report back
to me.

Until she produces an heir,
we are not home and dry.

Little angel.

Right. That's better.

What should I do with these, sir?
Wear them.

These are girls clothes.

How else are you going to enter her
bedchamber, unnoticed?

Your name is Julie now.

Tread carefully.

French knives are being sharpened
all over the palace.

Yes, sir.

Have you prepped her for tonight?

We assumed the Empress would do
that.

Did your mother explain the
mechanics?

What goes where, who does what?

Full of grace, the Lord is with
thee, blessed art thou among women,

and blessed is the
fruit of their Lord, Jesus.

I can teach you the art of
seduction.

Teach me.

Please, I must do my duty.

Another time, I promise.

I promise.

LAUGHTER

It's your big night, isn't it?

LAUGHTER

THEY WHISPER

WHISPERING CONTINUES

SHE SIGHS

HE SIGHS

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER GROWS

SHE SIGHS

DOOR CLOSES

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

Monsieur?

Monsieur?

HE SOBS SOFTLY

HE SNORES

HE GASPS

Imbecile!

DOOR SLAMS

SHE GASPS

SHE YELPS

I feel...

..nothing.

Gut morgen!

Gut morgen! Guten morgen!

SHE SCREAMS

SHE GASPS

SHE SCREAMS

You have failed to perform your
duty.

The Empress will be informed.

We are in France, Dauphine.
Our rules, our etiquette.

EMPRESS: Your duty is to
give them an heir
and bring stability to our people.

Don't let me down, Princess.

In Versailles,
no-one is what they seem.

Every sleep, every imperfection
will be used against you.

The fate of millions of people rests
on your slim shoulders.

Just do your duty.

You won't let me down.

What have you done to me, Mama?