01x06 - Deus ex Machina

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RAINFALL OUTSIDE

THUNDER RUMBLES

THUNDER CRASHES

Hup!

Hup! Hup! Hup!

HE GROANS

KNOCK AT THE DOOR
Yes?

What?

Hey!

Hops! Hops!

Hops!

SHE SCREAMS

THEY LAUGH

Joseph!

Joseph! My God!

Look at you!

Joseph!

We were expecting Mama.

I persuaded her to
let me come instead.

Even Ma could see this situation
requires a delicate touch.

So she sent you?

Oh!

A butterfly appears to be trapped
in your ridiculous hairdo. Stop it!

Stop it!

I won't take lessons in style from
a man with holes on his elbows.

What are you wearing?

I always travel
as Count Falkenstein.

You know how I hate
to attract attention.

And besides, an Emperor only
sees what he's shown.

Count Falkenstein sees the world
with his own eyes.

What does he observe
when he looks at me?

Your Queen's about to
lose her crown.

You have to make an appointment.
To visit my brother in law?

Don't be absurd.

Which way for the King?

That way. You can't just turn up.

Even I need permission to see him.

My God. No wonder
you haven't produced an heir.

This is an Austrian ploy to seize
the advantage in our negotiations.

Not at all.
A visit from Vienna was expected.

By the Empress.
And not until next month.

Count Falkenstein thinks
he's caught me napping.

I'm always ready, Mercy.

Are you?

No!

We don't knock. Excellent!

We tap.

Toinette.

Stay.

Welcome to Versailles, sire.

May I present Count Maurepas,
the King's mentor?

Excuse us, gentlemen.
Family business.

DOOR SLAMS

Joseph. This one's big brother.

I am wet. It was pissing down
all the way from Vienna.

Look at you.

We are cut from the same cloth.

Toinette, come and join us.

Come.

Now, what's all this nonsense
about a divorce?

Isn't it time for you
to kiss and make up?

It's too late for that.

Who is that Count Falkenstein?

He's the co-emperor of Austria.

Her brother?

Why doesn't he use his own title?

He prefers to travel incognito to
avoid the fuss of state visits.

Isn't fuss the whole point?

The point is to settle his sister's
divorce and send her packing.

Hmm!

May I present my family? No.

Let me guess.

Please don't.

Dignity.

Elegance.

Luminosity. Oh, wow.

Your portraits do not deceive,
mesdames.

Hmm.

Ha! And here is the distinctive
plumage of a bon viveur.

Your reputation goes before you.

Monseigneur.

You've done your homework.

Always.

And for my finale,

I hesitate.

I'm certain...
Oh, but then I detect...

Oh...

Oh. The unmistakable aroma
of a crisp young Savoy.

And the full-bodied opulence
of a Comte de Provence.

Madame.

Monsieur?

Hmm.

Well...

I hope you will join us
in Paris this evening.

Your musical maestro...

Saint-Georges? Mmm.

Saint-Georges is conducting
his new opera.

Toinette.

Oh...

How can we put a stop to this?

We must face reality, sire.

Seven years and
the marriage remains childless.

Even the Pope agrees
that an annulment is fair.

Fine.
Start the divorce negotiations.

But spin them out.

Buy me some time to talk sense into
that dullard and my little sister.

To the opera!

Towel?

Oh, for God's sake, give me that.

Habsburgs. They're a cunning breed.

The Emperor may play
the touchy-feely family man,

but all he cares about
is expanding his empire.

He won't rest until
he's occupied the whole of Europe.

This is where he's heading next.

Bavaria?

SHE SINGS

The libretto is woeful,
but the score is sublime.

Mozart is right to be sensitive.

Your chap is the bee's knees.

I was about to appoint him
my music master,

until Provence banished him
from Versailles.

Your brother in law is a stuffed
shirt, and his wife is terrifying.

Welcome to my life.

So tell me, what's going on
with you and Louis?

Does he repulse you, b*at you,

prefer his own sex?

We don't get along.

Do you want a divorce?

What I want is irrelevant.
Not to me.

Louis has made up his mind.

So what? Are you going to accept his
decision and run back home to Mama?

I don't have a choice.

Brilliant.

My God. Paris worships you.

You have something here, Toinette.

Fight for it.

I don't know how to.

That's why I'm here.

There are some things
even you can't fix, Joseph.

Don't you believe it.

You were marvellous! Wonderful.

Hey! Are you all right?

What do you think you're doing?

Misfire.

Attempted regicide, more like.

You need an heir, and quickly.

DUCK CALL

Got it. This one's mine.

You're a good sh*t.

sh**ting is simple
for sporting men like us.

sh**ting your seed,
that's more difficult.

Seed?

If you want my advice,
go for volume.

Volume? Volume!

You need to be on my sister
day and night.

sh**t, reload, sh**t, reload.

Wham, bam. Thank you, ma'am!

She doesn't want me
anywhere near her.

Oh.

Shall we talk to her?

I have nothing to say.

I will speak for you.

Where's the Emperor?

He's engaged on other business.

What's more important than
settling his sister's divorce?

He didn't say.

What's the point in doing this?

It's over.
There's nothing to be done about it.

If your brother says
he can help you, let him try.

Louis may change his mind.

Maurepas won't let him.

You know what? I will miss you
when I go back to Vienna.

You are going nowhere, Antoinette.

Fine.

Ah. Marriage.

Marriage, marriage, marriage.

Aren't we here
to discuss our divorce?

No, no. Let the pen-pushers
toil over your divorce.

If the same effort had been
put into your marriage,

we wouldn't be sitting here now.

Well?

Can you honestly say
you have tried everything?

I think we both... No, no.

Not you.

You.

Do you make an effort
with your husband?

Show him affection?

Entertain him?

Take an interest in his hobbies?

Does he do
any of those things with me?

Men have more important matters
to think about.

Isn't a woman important?

Of course. She is her husband's
helpmate, his consolation.

She is his shelter, not a storm.

What if he is her storm?

Then she will draw on her reserves
of feminine good temper

that make a wife blind
to his faults.

You know what?

I must be a q*eer,
crazy kind of wife.

Because when I look at men, I see...

No, no. Nothing but their faults.

Toinette...

Their pomposity. Sit down.

Their unwarranted,
self-satisfied smugness,

their clumsiness, their obsessions,

their inability to show a modicum of
love or tenderness to their wives.

You go too far, Toinette.

Yes, you're right.

It's a fault of mine.

It seems I have many, the greatest,
greatest of which was my stupidity

to have been born a woman.

I should have been a clock,
or a lock, or a horse.

Then...

SHE WHINNIES

Stop it.

..perhaps he would have
taken an interest in me.

That's all my fault...

All your fault.
That women are not important.

We don't even interest you.

If only I had a baby to play with.

Everyone is watching my stomach,
looking for a sign.

Give me a child and
I'll never trouble you again.

SHE CRIES OUT, MUFFLED

SHE YELLS

Apologise.

What for?

For being an ugly, unfuckable bitch.

HE GRUNTS

Oh!

HE WHIMPERS

Stop! Stop!

Apologise.

Apologise!

I'm sorry.

I could be as lovely
as Helen of Troy,

but you still
wouldn't want to f*ck me!

HE GASPS

What lessons in marriage from
a man who's buried two wives?

What pearls of wisdom
can he possibly impart?

Who knows? But he has made things
a thousand times worse.

Keep up the good work.

It's all leverage for the divorce.

What happened? To his wives?

The first one fell in love
with his sister.

She expired of unrequited love.

And then the second one
was so neglected

that she prayed for smallpox.
And got it.

You should consider
your future, Yolande.

When she goes,
you'll be knocked off your perch.

Then you'll have to find some other
way to support those men of yours.

There you are.

Rumour has it that
you are about to get divorced.

To my enemies,

who can't wait to celebrate.

To you,

the only member of my French family
who actually likes me.

You're mistaken.

I merely tolerate you.

When a ship is sinking,
its flags keep flying.

Don't give your enemies the
satisfaction of knowing they've won.

They'll know when
I disappear beneath the waves.

You'll drown in the end, my love.

Now, the trick is to go down...

..in style.

Come on.

CROWD LAUGHS AND CHEERS

Some more champagne, please!

Hmm.

You came.

You said that you could help.

Oh, yes, yes indeed. Come in.

Where is she?

She's on her way. I'll speed her
along. Sit down. Sit down.

CHAT AND LAUGHTER

SHE SHOUTS

CHEERING

Again! Again!

Why don't you join us?

Move.

SHE SHRIEKS

My brother Joseph, ladies
and gentlemen! Come here!

SHE WHOOPS

Come here!

How dare you humiliate me?

How dare you humiliate the King?

Go in.

SHE LAUGHS

Well, I can hardly
humiliate someone who isn't here.

You know the problem
with gamblers, Toinette?

You think your luck
will never run out.

Austria agrees to return
all of the late Dauphin's jewels.

France agrees to return the Queen's
dowry, minus her gambling debts.

Austria will not accept
any deductions.

France notes that the Empress
has tightened her grip

around her ambassador's balls.

I'd rather be manhandled
by a powerful woman than

sit in the lap of a mute man-child.

That's one thing the Queen won't
miss when she returns to Vienna.

Oh, you don't seriously think
we'll be sending her home?

A prisoner of state.

You will remain in France.

But be deprived of your liberty.

In jail? Yes.

No.

Appropriate accommodation
will be found.

I just don't want to go home.

Why can't I go home?

Maurepas considers you
a security risk.

You know too much, Toinette.

I know nothing!

What will become of me?

This is a distraction.

There's no need for you to go there.
I want to see it.

DOOR LOCKS

DOVE COOS

Shall we conclude the negotiations?

Later?

Dear God, what do you do at night?

Cross stitch?

Speak to me!

It hurts.

It hurts when he enters me.

Oh.

Oh. Well, that's perfectly normal
when sexual relations begin.

Do you arouse her?

Yolande says...

..he's clueless.

You have screwed other women, right?

Oh.

Well... You must practise with
someone who knows what she's doing.

A prost*tute?

Why not? A husband does not stray
if he loves his wife.

Isn't it the custom for the King
of France to have a mistress?

Look at your grandfather.
My father didn't betray my mother
and I won't betray my wife.

The instructional items
you requested, sire.

Thank you.

Your investigation...

Has there been any progress?

White doves no longer flutter
around the corridors of Versailles.

I have hunted them into extinction.

And the perpetrator?
Have you hunted him down?

He has fled.

And taken his venomous pen with him.

I expect you to find him,
Beaumarchais.

I'm on the case, sire.

DOOR CLOSES

May I come in?

Yes.

Yes, of course.

DOOR CLOSES

Well...

You said a man who loves his wife
doesn't stray.

Louis, this man...

The one who loves his wife,
is that you?

Who else would it be?

So you do love me?

I have expressed my feelings
in my own way.

Which I deeply regret.

And so have you.

I could have behaved...better.

So could I.

I am sorry for what I did.

No, you can't open that.

You can't open that, please.
No? Why not?

Back to me now. What?

What is it?

It's nothing.

Let me see it.

I'm sorry but...

Why won't you show that to me?

Hmm?

What's in it?

Nothing.

Come on, let me see it.

Let me see it.

Oh...

Joseph is right.
You should learn from another woman.

No, I don't...

It's our only chance.

LAUGHTER

You're besotted with her.

She's my friend.

The Queen of France
doesn't have friends.

You're surrounded by parasites,

and she is the biggest louse
of them all.

Look at her. She's having fun.

She's debauched, and
she's related to Maurepas.

You shouldn't be discussing
your private life with her.

That's not what I'm saying.
Watch out, please.

Good sh*t!

Thank you, Joseph.

Perfection!

Sycophant.

It's called strategy.
Try it sometime.

Start by ditching de Polignac.

Then what?

Die of loneliness? Aww.

Why don't you rekindle
your friendship with Lamballe?

At least she's a princess.

If she'll have you.
You treat her like dirt.

Let's hope she doesn't
bear a grudge.

Hey! Hey!

What's wrong with her?

Stop!

I think she did do that on purpose.
Sorry.

Stop laughing! Stop!

I've been a terrible,
terrible, terrible friend.

Can you forgive me?

It's you who should forgive me.

I've been a terrible superintendent.

No, you've always been
so good to me.

Always.

I'm full of sin, Toinette.

I will pray for you from my convent.

They should be honoured
to have you here.

That family doesn't deserve you.

I know. What?

I know.

I'm going to arrange
a musical soiree.

And you will sing at Versailles.

Me? Yes.

Why me?

To show them that you don't care.

In hasty response to your letter,
Ma, I can assure you

that your fears are groundless.

Everything is proceeding
precisely to plan.

There will be no divorce.

Mercy has got the measure
of Maurepas.

The negotiations
have ground to a halt.

The King is taking constructive
steps towards consummating

his marriage with your daughter.

He only needs a little guidance,

but everything is in hand.

MOANING

I am confident that
with a little patience...

Very good.

Almost there.

..we will achieve the happy ending.

"While the King plays away,

"the Queen performs cunnilingus
in her lady's chamber."

Ah.

Are you going to celebrate with me?

Oh, come on.

Are you really going to
let her rot in that convent?

You've been around
for long enough, Mercy.

There are more unpleasant endings
for a former Queen.

I won't drink to any of them.

Can we admit that
you're b*ating a dead horse?

Oh, a dead mouse.

He's hiding from your hideous face.

Could you stop staring?

Does that help?

Maybe you're a soft man
with a soft tool

who can only make babies
out of soft furnishings.

Cushions.

PRIEST SPEAKS IN LATIN

HE WHISPERS

Have you been working hard
at your lessons?

Can you tell? Yes.

How are you getting on?

Um... It's like learning to ride.

Just when you think
you've got your balance,

you're instructed
to increase the tempo.

SHE LAUGHS

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

Have you risen to your trot?

Actually, I have started to canter.

SHE GIGGLES

They seem very jolly.

Any reason?

I wouldn't know.
She's been avoiding me.

Sister, sister!

An invitation from Lamballe
to a musical soiree.

It's on behalf of
the Austrisch bitch.

Oh! I had no idea.

LAUGHTER

We Austrians adore concerts.

Low-key, of course.

Herr Mozart entertaining the family
with his famous ditties.

Doesn't France have someone who
would give him a run for his money?

May I pass, please?

May I pass, please?

I am still the Queen.

Yes, but for how much longer?

I thank you kindly.

You do know it's them, not us.

Quickly, this way.

STRING QUARTET PLAYS

Isn't he magnificent?

This is an insult.
Sit down.

No, I will not sit down.

Sit down.

SHE SINGS

Bravo!

HE HUMS

I threw Saint-Georges out.
How dare he come back?

We invited him.

We?

My wife and I.

Which one's me?

The fat one.

And those little ones, they're my
nephews, running in the sunshine.

Five sons?

Yeah, an heir, and two spares.

Joseph, one, two, and three.

Though number three
is worryingly wispy.

What if I can't do it?

Do what?

Have sex with Louis.

Well... You know what Ma would say.

"Failure is not an option!"

Heirs and world domination
are what we Habsburgs do.

So...

..where are you off to next, Joseph?

It's a mountainous region
of little importance.

My second wife was
a Bavarian princess.

She left her territories to me.

If they're already yours, why
exactly do you want to inv*de?

No-one else seems to believe
they're mine, least of all Prussia.

Anyway, I prefer
to call it rectification.

Louis...

..can I rely on
your m*llitary support?

I'll think about it.

Don't take too long, my friend.

In the meantime, you might want
to do something about this.

The pavilion?

Ten minutes?

All right, see you there.

So...

We finally went in for the k*ll.

No more than we expected.

Now, all that's required
is your signature.

Then we can say goodbye to Austria

and find you a suitable wife.

I think you'll find
it's all favourable to our side.

Excuse me.

DOOR OPENS

Where is he?

He said he would be here.

What do you think we should do?

SHE MOANS

Oh. You did well, Joseph.

She has performed her duty.

Not quite.

One usually follows the other.

Not necessarily.

Shall we discuss Bavaria?

Not now.