04x04 - Super Karate Monkey Death Car

[bunniefuu]

Well, then unless anybody
else has anything, then, uh--

Hey, what's goin' on?

Uh, sorry. You're just
gonna have to give us a little time to adjust.

What do you mean?
Well--

Well, it's just that
Matthew-- you know, that guy that you, um, fired--

would usually pick
this point in the meeting to say something, uh--

- Idiotic.
- Well, I was going to say off-topic.

But I said
"idiotic" first.

It's just hard getting through
a meeting without hearing his sweet, little chirp.

Yeah.
Fine. In the interest of workplace morale,

for the rest of the meeting,
I will act the part of Matthew.

Bill, that really
isn't necessary. No, Dave, I think...

a little creative role-playing
might help us all learn more about ourselves.

All right. I obviously
didn't watch as much Zoom as you, but--

- Well, who's gonna play Bill?
- I will. I wasn't paying attention anyway.

I'll be Beth.
[ Beth ] Hmm, great.

All right then, everyone.
If no one else has anything to add, um--

My cat is getting
a hysterectomy.

Be that as it may,
this meeting's--

[ Pounds Desk ]
Wake up, people!

Blah, blah, blah.
This is an outrage.

How would you guys all like
to take a little test today?

[ Lisa ]
What kind of test? Well, it's a really fun test...

where I can get to know each one
of you and what you do around here and how well you do it.

Now that sounds like
a fun test.

Yeah! Well,
that's the spirit.

Okay, good.

- So, Lisa,
what's the test about? - How would I know?

Well, you and Andrea
are friends.

We are not friends.

She wants to be my friend,
and that just makes me very nervous.

Don't be nervous.
People you don't like who want to be friends with you...

are the best kind,
because you can make them do anything.

Well, I say what
we should do--

Bill, that's very good.
You do a very good Matthew, but, uh--

I think there's something
wrong with this chair. Right.

That's exactly what Matthew
would've said, but maybe we should just knock it off.

No, seriously.
I just tilt back--

I don't wanna take
the test, Dave. Beth, nobody wants to.

But I don't test well, and
we all know that standardized tests are inherently r*cist.

Beth, this is probably something
your parents should've discussed with you, but--

I know I'm white.
I'm just not white like you, Dave.

- Hey, Mr. James.
- Hey, Dave.

Uh, where'd that picture
of your mom go?

Oh, would you believe
somebody stole that?

Oh, yeah.

- What's wrong?
- Well, once again, your efficiency expert...

has the office functioning
at peak inefficiency.

If medicine tasted good,
I'd be pourin' cough syrup on my pancakes.

Did you see
the good news?

I don't think I have.
In the paper today? Look right there.

"Come hear Jimmy James
read from his newly published memoirs...

at Books Et Cetera."
Books Et Cetera!

What memoirs?

Oh, well, maybe the title
will refresh your memory.

Jimmy James:
Capitalist Lion Tamer.

Wait a minute.
Didn't that come out years ago?

Yeah, it did.
Yeah, and didn't it--

b*mb miserably?
Yeah. That was the English-language version.

A few months ago
I translated it into Japanese, and guess what.

- Uh--
- Number one in Japan, three straight months!

Well, congratulations.
Thank you. Thank you very much.

So I got to thinkin',
why not take the Japanese version...

and have it translated
back into English.

Mm-hmm. That seems
to work well for VCR instruction manuals.

Exactly!

So I'll see ya--
I'll see ya at the readin'.

Uh, I would love to,
but I'm afraid I can't.

Your efficiency expert's making
us all write some stupid test this afternoon.

Well, who's gonna come
out there and support me?

- Well, Matthew's probably free.
- Dave, I'm readin' from the book.

I ain't colorin' in it.
I'll see you there.

All right.

I got a copy of the test.

Great, Joe.
Now Dean Wormer can never put the Deltas on probation.

Very funny, but if
you don't wanna read it--

Of course I wanna read it.

Ah. "Have you ever
lied to a coworker?

Is your résumé
completely accurate?" What kind of test is this?

It's a polygraph.
A lie detector test?

Yeah, if you wanna sound
like an idiot.

Hiya, guys.
Hey.

- What's goin' on?
- Joe stole a copy of the test.

Oh, great.
That's gonna totally ruin the curve.

There is no curve.
It's a polygraph.

- A polygraph?
- Yeah, a lie detector test.

Dave, I'm not an idiot.

Hey, Joe, tell Beth to
get a lunch reservation for the entire staff, all right?

Right.
And, Joe, do it secretly.

[ Clicks Tongue ]
Dude, I do everything secretly.

[ Door Opens, Closes ]

They shouldn't even call it
a test if you can't get an A-plus on it.

Maybe they'll give out
gold stars for honesty.

Gold stars are for babies.

A polygraph test?
Why?

Well, I don't know why,
but I think if we're just prepared--

Bonjour.
Je m'appelle Matthew.

Welcome to Chez Jean-Jacques.
Our specials--

- Matthew?
- Oh, my God! What are you guys doing here?

Dude, you work here?

It's not radio journalism,
but it pays le rent.

- Can you get us free food?
- You know, I would,

but the boss watches me
like a hawk, so I can only get it for Bill.

Did you guys come back here
to tell me I got my job back?

Uh, no.

No, this is just
a coincidence, Matthew.

I know.
I was just kiddin'.

I'll be right back
with your drinks. [ Dave ] All right.

Most of these questions
are pretty harmless,

unless anyone here has
an extensive criminal record.

Well, she can't really ask us
questions like that, can she?

I don't know.
She's your buddy. She's not my buddy.

She can ask us anything she
wants. Andrea fired that guy Larry from Payroll last week...

when she found out he had been
arrested for vandalism, like, 10 years ago.

Wow, Larry from Payroll,
we hardly knew ye.

Well, has anyone been arrested
in the past year?

Uh-huh.

Drunk and disorderly.
Nothin' big. Uh-huh. Bill?

I had a little tiff with
that traffic cop in April.

You remember.
Put in an insane asylum. Oh, right.

Dave, this is a little hard
for me to admit,

but back in high school
I got caught shoplifting.

Uh, Matthew, honey,
you can't be fired twice.

Yeah, I heard
that one before.

Matthew, these glasses
are empty.

Well, you never gave me
your order, did you? Well, uh--

Look, those are kind
of minor offenses.

I'm sure if you're honest
about them on the test, you'll be fine.

And the rest of the stuff
is out of our league.

"Have you ever been convicted
of three or more misdemeanors?

"Have you ever been
convicted of a felony?

"Have you ever been convicted
of a federal offense?

Have you ever"--
Uh, yes, Lisa?

Um, between the ages
of 17 and 19, I was arrested seven times...

and have spent, all told,
two months in jail.

Get outta here.

I was young.
I made some mistakes.

Seven times
and two months in jail?

Well, it wasn't even jail.
It was juvey.

Is anybody else
turned on right now?

And then when I was 17
I stole a car--

You stole a car?

How'd you do that?
Well, it's easy.

You can pull the ignition wires
and cross 'em without any cosmetic damage at all.

But how did you get
into the car? Put a brick through the window.

Lisa, I just don't see you
as the joyriding type.

I'm not. My car broke down
and I was afraid I was gonna be late for the S.A.T.'s.

Didn't you commit any crimes
that weren't S.A.T. related?

I broke into
a library once.

To vandalize it?
No.

I had a big history exam
the next day,

and the only copy
of The Federalist Papers I had at home was abridged.

Matthew, isn't any
of our food ready?

Yeah, Bill's is.
How's that steak, Bill?

A tad overdone.
[ Grunts ]

- What about our food?
- Guys, I'm sorry.

Le "kitcheone" is
a little backed up today.

I'm afraid to ask, but what
was your federal offense?

Um, breaking and entering.

- That's not a federal offense.
- It is if you break into a post office.

-Oh, Lisa.
-I had to see if my college acceptance letters had arrived.

It was a long holiday weekend
and I hadn't even heard from my safety schools yet!

You know, maybe you can
just lie on the test.

Oh, yeah, lie on
the lie detector test. That's a good plan.

Well, unfortunately, even
if that worked, it wouldn't be enough for Lisa to lie.

- We'd all have to lie for her.
- What?

"To the best of your knowledge,
are any of your coworkers hiding a past criminal record?"

- We all have to b*at the test?
- Can't be done.

[ Matthew ] For Lisa, I'm in.
We've only got about 10 minutes.

- Just tell the kitchen we
need our food wrapped to go. - Okay, sure.

Matthew, did you hear
what I just said?

I did, David.
It's just you're talkin' to the wrong guy.

Why's that?

Because I...
don't really work here.

I'm sorry. I just-- You know,
I was following you guys...

and I happened to notice
that you came in here.

And I just-- I'm pretending
to be a waiter,

'cause I just wanna be
with you guys.

Need money
for the steak? No, I got that.

Where are we gonna
eat lunch now? Well, there's a place--

Lisa? Joe, bye.

Thank you, bud.
Okay, I'll-I'll-I'll pack that up for you.

Beth? Beth, Beth, Beth,
Beth, Beth?

Dave, you know what?
I've gotta-- What?

When am I gonna get my job back?
Really, I'm startin' to go stir-crazy here.

Matthew, please be patient.
I'm doing my best. Well, I'm doing my part.

I know you are.

Unfortunately, that's precisely
why you were fired in the first place.

Okay, I'll see ya.
I'm hopeless.

Where are those
people going?

Their food didn't come
fast enough, so they left.

What? You're fired.

Oh, no, no, gentle sir.

See, you cannot fire me,
for I do not work here.

I did bring
my résumé though.

Very good, Dave.
Now the next-- Oh, hey, Lisa.

Yes, you. Hi, you!

Hey, you're next. Whoo!

Gosh, she is fun.
Yeah, she is.

[ Lie Detector Buzzes ]
That doesn't count. It's not really part of the--

No, no. So I'm sure
this next question is a mere formality.

Uh-huh.
"To your knowledge,

are any of your coworkers
hiding a past criminal record?"

Hmm.

Not that I'm aware of.
[ Buzzes ]

Okay, just relax, Dave.
Are you sure?

Honestly? Yes.
[ Buzzes ]

Well, the machine
does not seem to agree.

All right. You've caught me.
Yes, there is somebody in this office...

who does have a rather
extensive criminal past,

and that person...
is me.

[ Buzzes ]

Now, Dave, I know you.
I can't imagine you ever breaking the law.

Well, it was a little thing.
It was a long time ago.

I stole a road sign in my--
[ Buzzes ]

All right. I spray painted
graffiti on the gymnasium by-- [ Buzzes ]

I was arrested
for shoplifting once.

Ha!

Yes. Convicted shoplifter.

The machine does not lie
and either do I.

Oops. Hang on a second.
I kicked the plug out.

There you go.
All set.

Dave?
Huh?

You were saying
you're a convicted shoplifter?

Mm-hmm.
[ Buzzes ]

Now, Dave, I bet you never
even thought about shoplifting.

I have so
thought about shop-- [ Buzzes ]

Oh, aren't you
the cutest thing? I am not the cutest thing!

[ Buzzes ]
Andrea, could I borrow Dave for a second?

Yeah, sure.
I guess I can let old Scarface here go with just a warning.

All right, fine.
I just wanna go on record saying...

that I think this test
is an invasion of privacy and a colossal waste of time.

Ain't he the cutest thing?
Yeah.

Lisa, you're next.

Where'd she go?
Lisa's not feeling well, Andrea.

- I'll go next.
- Excellent. Give me a sec. I'll set up.

Okay.

How come
you're so calm?

I'm chewing this Chinese
herbal gum that I got down on Canal Street...

and it slows all the metabolic
processes down, so I'll be able to lie all I want to.

- How do you feel, Beth?
- Okay.

Are you sure?
Yeah. Why?

Well, because your hand's
in the coffeemaker.

[ Sizzles ]

Whoa, it's good stuff.
It's good stuff.

Well, here goes nothin'.

[ Thuds ]

What's the, uh, delay?
I'm waitin' for the book to get here.

They didn't finish printin'
it till this morning, so--

You haven't seen
the book yet? No, not yet.

Sorry to keep you folks
waiting, but the books just got here.

So, without any further ado,
Jimmy James, C.E.O. of Jimmy James Incorporated,

will now read
from his book,

Jimmy James: Macho
Business Donkey Wrestler.

Thank you.
Thanks a lot, everybody.

Uh--

Uh, the original title
of this book was...

Jimmy James:
Capitalist Lion Tamer,

but I see now that it's...

Jimmy James: Macho
Business Donkey Wrestler.

I had the book
translated into Japanese, then back again into English,

so--

"Macho Business
Donkey... Wrestler."

Well, there you go.
It's got kind of a ring to it, don't it?

Anyway, I wanted to read
from chapter three,

which is the story
of my first rise to financial prominence, so--

[ Clears Throat ]

"I had a small house of
brokerage on Wall Street.

"Many days, no business
comes to my hut-- my hut.

"But Jimmy has fear?

"A thousand times, no.

"I never doubted myself
for a minute,

"for I knew that
my monkey-strong bowels...

"were girded
with strength...

"like the loins
of a dragon ribboned with fat...

"and the opulence
of buffalo...

dung."

Comfy?

Good.

Well, we kind of have become
buddies over the past few weeks, haven't we, Lisa?

Oh, thanks.

Well, anyway, since
we're friends and all, I thought...

I'd just throw out all
those serious questions and make this a real fun test.

So my question for you is,

if you could be
any kind of tree...

in the whole world,
what kind of tree--

I stole a car!

I mean, a sycamore tree.

"The glorious sunset
of my heart was fading.

"Soon the super karate monkey
death car would...

"park in my space.

"But Jimmy has fancy plans,

"and pants to match.

"The monkey clown
horrible... karate,

"round and yummy like
a cute, small baby chick,

would b*at the donkey."

Mr. James will, uh--
will now answer any questions you might have.

You.

Yeah, Mr. James,
what did you mean when you wrote,

"Bad clown making like
super American car racers,

I would make them sweat,
w*r, w*r"?

Well, you know-- you know,
what it's-it's like-- [ Clears Throat ]

when a clown
is-is making...

like a car... racer.

It's sort of like...
the F.C.C.

It's sort of--
Yeah, the clown, all right?

The clown is-is like
the F.C.C., and I was opposed to the F.C.C. at the time.

So it was like
I was declaring w*r.

w*r.

Well, I guess
that's about it. Yeah?

So, then did the American
yum-yum clown monkey...

also represent the F.C.C.?

Yeah, it did.
Thanks a lot.

Yeah, one more question.

What did you mean when you said,
"Feel my skills, donkey, donkey, donkey, donkey, donkey"?

And so then they got me
for resisting arrest.

Oh, and assaulting
a police officer, which is not as bad as it sounds.

And, uh, that's it.

Harold, could you, um,
give us a few minutes?

Thanks.

Um,

I can tender my resignation,
if that makes things easier.

No. Don't be silly.

You're not
gonna fire me? No.

I think your honesty
has been really, really super.

Well, I pride myself
on really super honesty.

And, uh, let's just say--
[ Clears Throat ]

you're not the only one
in this room who's, uh, broken the law before.

Really?
Well, yeah.

I wasn't as creative about it
as you were though. What did you do?

Oh, God, you wouldn't
be interested. No, I would.

Oh, no, no, no.
I really am.

Arson.
Arson?

Yeah. And they
never caught me. [ Nervous Chuckle ]

Oh, we're all
fascinated by fire when we're younger, so--

This was just last year,
silly.

I mean, you know
how sometimes your boyfriend just says the wrong thing,

and then, you know,
you say something, and then before you know it--

[ Imitating Fire Crackling ]
You know?

Yeah, I know.
Uh-- [ Buzzes ]

Um, you didn't
hurt anybody or--

Oh, no, no.

Okay, well, um,
I think I'm just gonna-- I'm gonna get going.

Oh, well, um, Lisa?
Just don't tell anybody...

about this little arson thing,
'cause it's kind of embarrassing.

Right.
No, I understand.

We all have things
we're embarrassed about. Right.

I mean,
you're a convicted felon. [ Laughs ]

Yeah, but at least I didn't
burn anybody's house down.

I mean, not that
that's a bad thing. It's just, um--

Hey, pal,
how 'bout a hug? [ Clicks Tongue ]

Ohh!

Dave, do you think--

do you think
Ernest Hemingway ever gave a reading that went that badly?

I don't think Margaux Hemingway
ever gave a reading that went that badly.

Yeah, well, comin' here
always cheers me up. Mm-hmm.

It's the first time I've ever
flown on a private jet all the way to Japan just for dinner.

Beautiful country.
Yeah, and this is just the airport.

Next time we should
stay longer. Mm-hmm.

Excuse me, sir.
We need to take off now...

if we want to get
Mr. Nelson back to New York in time for work.

Well, you heard
the man, Dave.

[ No Audible Crowd Noise ]
Hey!

Dave.

This is the country that
appreciates good livin'. Yes, sir.

Hey, Dave, maybe
I should do a reading here-- Jimmy James live at Budokan.

I think maybe you should.

Donkey, donkey.
Donkey, donkey, donkey.