04x08 - Stupid Holiday Charity Talent Show

[bunniefuu]

Why are we
even doing this?

Because lighting
the WNYX Christmas tree...

was Matthew's favorite
Christmas tradition.

I thought Matthew's
favorite Christmas tradition...

was making nativity scenes
with Marvel comic action figures.

I promised Matthew that,
even though he is still fired,

we would carry on
without him.

What's that
supposed to mean? Nothing, Dave.

- Can we just light
this thing already? - No. I want you to understand.

I'm doing everything I can
to get Matthew his job back. Why?

[ Lisa Whispers ]
Dave.

Huh?
You promised.

Yes, I promised.
I promised I-I would, you know, try to get his job back.

So what? I promised
I'd personally take him with me on the space shuttle.

Promises are made
to be broken.

Well, not my promises.
Matthew gave me his trust.

And he gave me
a hundred-dollar deposit on a space-suit rental.

It doesn't mean anything.

Can we just light
this stupid thing already?

I just really resent
the insinuation that I don't care about Matthew.

My thinking is, if you really
did care about Matthew, he would be here with us right now,

instead of watching us
through binoculars from a building across the street.

- It's not fair.
Dave does care. - Thank you, Lisa.

- As a matter of fact, on
the night Matthew got fired-- - Thank you, Lisa.

Dave actually wept.

[ Bill ]
Aww! Oh, my God. That's so sweet!

Thank you, Lisa.

[ Phone Rings ]
Oh, oh, oh! [ Giggles ]

Hi, Matthew. You guys--
You guys, say hi to Matthew.

Hey, Matthew.
Hey, freak.

Oh. He's not watching us
across the street. He's stuck at a pay phone downtown.

No, no, no, no.
Everybody's still here.

[ Laughing ]
You guys!

Okay, sing the carol
and then we will light it.

Fine. I'll put you
on the speakerphone.

[ Speaker: Street Noise ]

[ Matthew ] I'm gonna belt this
out, 'cause I'm at a pay phone. It's kind of noisy here.

So here it goes.
Okay.

♪ Silent night ♪

♪ Holy night ♪

[ Man ]
Come on, pal. You've had the phone for 10 minutes.

[ Matthew ]
Shut up! I'm singing!

♪ All is calm ♪

♪ All is-- ♪

[ Matthew Grunting ]
Would you quit pushing me?

♪ All is bright ♪

[ Blow Lands ]
[ Matthew ] Ow!

[ Blows Continue Landing ]
[ Matthew Grunting, Groaning ]

[ Thudding ]

♪ Round yon virg-- ♪

You guys are not
gonna believe this. Oh, is he weeping again?

No.
No.

Mr. James is outside.
He agreed to hire Matthew back.

Really?

Mr. James, may I be
the first to commend you on your very gracious decision.

Yeah, well, thanks, Dave.
Thanks.

I thought it over,
and I know how much he means to all you guys,

and it's-- it's Christmas,

and the damage that he does
is pretty minimal in the long run, so--

- You know what? There are
two conditions though. - We'll do anything.

All right. First, you have
got to clean up after him. I'm not gonna do that for you.

I'll build a crate
we can keep him in when he's unsupervised.

[ Lisa ]
Well, what's second?

Second, somebody
has to enter and win...

the New York Corporate
Charity Talent Show tonight.

When you say talent show,
do you mean like high school talent show?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah!

Employees from
all the big companies,

they get together
and they get on stage and they--

Stupid. All right?
Stupid idea.

But I'll tell you what.
You're looking at a desperate man.

Folks, I made a bet.

I made a big bet with Ted Turner
that Jimmy James Inc. could win this thing tonight.

Why?
Because!

The guys down at my
chemical plant, they had this great juggling act.

But then some vat
started to leak,

and apparently you can't have
a five-man juggling routine with only nine arms.

Or 11 arms.
I'm not really sure what happened.

- How much did you bet?
- Oh, uh-- Yeah, yeah. So, what do you say, huh?

What do you say?
Who wants to help me out? Who wants to put on a show?

Not me.

Now, wait a minute.
I thought you guys wanted to help Matthew out here.

We'll do it.

We have to do it.
We have to do it for Matthew.

She's right.
No, she's not.

Yes, she is.

If it'll get Matthew
his job back, then fine. We'll do the act.

All right!
Thanks, guys. I really appreciate it.

I gotta make a call,
and then-- Just thanks.

Dude,
are you crazy?

No. Don't worry about it.
I'll take care of it myself.

I mean, I don't enjoy
being ridiculed, but if it'll get Matthew his job back,

then I'll dust off
the old tap shoes one last time.

Dave, no--
no tapping, huh?

The fruity acts
don't go over so big.

Now, Dave, you are gonna be
in the talent show tonight, aren't you?

I'm afraid
Jimmy said no tap.

Which was sad news to all of us
who enjoy watching a grown man prance about in a straw boater.

I'm not talking
about tap dancing. I'm talking--

Thank you, Lisa.

What have we here?
A hidden talent?

No, no, no. It's nothing.
It's a private thing between me and Dave.

- Is it a hidden sexual talent?
- No!

Good, because there's
a big difference...

between performing at home
and performing on stage, believe me.

Bill, go.
Please go.

I know-- privileged information.
I'm sorry. It's not that much to ask.

At least I didn't tell him
what it was. That's not the point.

- So you'll do it.
- No.

- Come on, Dave. Nobody's
gonna make fun of you. - Yes, they will.

They'll make fun of me the way
they make fun of everything that I was once proud of.

Like what?
The fact that I can tap dance at a semi-professional level.

- Well, okay.
- Or that I won the gold medal three years running...

for best preserves
at the 4-H Club.

Or that I played Danny Zuko
in a high school production of Grease.

- You did?
- No.

But if I had, that's exactly
the sort of thing that people around here would make fun of.

So thank God I didn't.

Dude, hold this.
Huh? What?

Is this your talent?
Yeah.

I didn't know
you knew karate. I don't. Karate's for sissies.

This is pure Garrelli.

- Wanna try again?
- No. That's it.

You didn't break it.
It's not supposed to break.

My talent is,
I can hit anything really hard, and I don't hurt my hand.

Well, that's very
impressive, Joe, but it's really not much of an act.

That really hurts, coming from
a tap-dancing jelly-maker...

who may or may not have been
a high school thespian.

♪ [ Pop ]
Okay, let's try it again, shall we?

Okay.

♪ Another bride ♪

♪ Another groom ♪

♪ Another
sunny honey-- ♪

No, no.
Just sing it pretty. Like this.

♪ [ Piano Resumes ]
♪ Another bride ♪

♪ Another groom ♪

Now you do it.
♪ [ Continues ]

♪ Another bride
Another groom ♪

No!

Pretty!

Pre-tty! Like me!

No offense, Bill,
but I think that I sing way prettier than you.

Ah! Oh, you do,
do you?

Well, let's get an unbiased
observer's opinion. Matthew?

Bill sings
prettier.

Really?
Yeah.

It's like listening
to a pretty mountain stream...

filled with
pretty fishes and unicorns.

- And how does Beth sound?
- Screechy.

I think maybe she has
throat polyps or something.

I'd just feel better
if I could just--

If you can't figure out
how to sing better, I've got a talent that I can do.

Beth?

Hmm. Okay.
But, um-- Oh, sorry.

I sounded sort of okay,
didn't I?

No.
But I'll mold you.

My mother always told me
I had a very beautiful singing voice.

Well, my mother made me
wear a dress till I was nine. They make mistakes, you know.

Put it behind you.
Come on. Let's go. Oh, Beth! Beth!

Well, what's wrong
with her? [ Door Closes ]

Nerves. I don't think
she's gonna get it together by tonight.

Oh.

Find her!
Bring her to me. Okay.

sh**t. What, uh--
What else we got?

Well, there's Joe.

He hits things.
Right, Joe? Right.

[ Yells ]

Good.
What about you, Lisa?

You gonna knock 'em
dead tonight, huh? If I have to, sir.

Good, good.
What's your talent? Gymnastics? Flaming batons? What?

Without mechanical aid
of any kind,

I can answer
complex math questions suggested by the audience.

Well, maybe,
if you did it in the nude and left out the math part.

All right. I'm screwed.
That's it.

Somebody call Matthew.
Tell him he's run out of luck.

No. Uh, no.

Nobody call Matthew.
Don't tell him anything. All right?

Ladies and gentlemen,

I would like
to present to you...

Throwgali, master
of the throwing Kn*fe.

[ Liquid Dripping ]

Has anybody
seen my soda?

And even though the light switch
is over 15 feet away, I should have no problem in--

And even though the room
is now partially darkened, it should be a simple matter to--

Yep, there you have it.

Let the merciless mockery
commence.

Dave, I think I speak
for all of us when I say this was truly impressive.

But?

But nothing.
I'm truly in awe.

And I'm not just saying that
because I'm afraid you'll sink a shiv in my back from 50 paces.

Son, you could
actually win this thing.

And if he can't,
I've got a little talent-- Shh!

Well, sir, I can--
I can do my best.

- But I'll need an assistant.
- What for?

Well, to throw knives at.

Yeah, I've got this one
great trick where my assistant puts a playing card in--

Come on, guys!

In the hands of an expert,
live targeting is safer than driving a car.

[ Scraping ]
Hey, Bill.

Dave.

He's laughing at me.

He's not laughing at you.
Yes, he is. They're all laughing at me.

Dave, nobody's
laughing at you.

They're all
terrified of you.

Yeah.
Isn't that great?

Not only am I
a laughingstock,

but I can't even do my act
because no one will be my assistant--

except for Matthew,
but that doesn't work, because he likes to improvise.

- I'll do it.
- What?

I will be your assistant.
Really?

- Yes.
I know how good you are. - No, you don't.

- Are you good?
- Very. - Okay.

Then I have complete
confidence in you.

Well, great. Great.

- Then I guess I'd better
get practicing then. - Yes, please do.

- You're not nervous, are you?
- No.

Oh, good.
'Cause if people get nervous, sometimes they flinch, and, uh--

And-- And what?

And nothing.
Just don't be nervous.

♪ [ Band: Fanfare Ends ]
[ Applause ]

He's good.
Yeah. Yeah.

But, uh, you're better, Dave.
You're, like, world-class.

- Oh, thanks, sir,
but I'm not really that good. - I'm sorry. What?

I was being modest.

Don't be nervous.
No flinching.

[ Man Emceeing ]
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome from Shearson Brothers,

Petroushka,
the fan-dancing mathematician!

♪ [ Band: Fanfare ]
[ Applause ]

[ Muttering ]

Well,
if it isn't Throwgali, back from the dead.

The one and only...
Throwdini.

After that incident
in Grand Rapids,

I can't believe
you have the nerve to show your face.

Uh, w-w-what incident?

Well, I can't believe
the rain hasn't washed you into the gutter...

with all the other scum.

As usual,
your wit is as sharp as your Kn*fe, sir.

What brings you here,
my old nemesis?

Oh, the chance to live once more
on the Kn*fe's edge between life and death.

Also, I'm an office manager for
Young & Rubicam, and the boss likes us to do charity stuff.

You?
Radio producer.

- Yeah, I haven't been
throwing for a while either. - No? I'm still training.

This contest is my life.

Well, I'm on.

I'm attempting
the triple-Smithberg.

Triple-Smith--
With the bowie Kn*fe?

Yes.
So, wish me luck. Well, good luck.

To the sharp art.
To the sharp art.

We should really
get together sometime. I'd love to.

Away with all the knives.
Just call and have fun.

Throwdetta, come!
We have a show to do!

♪ [ Band: Fanfare ]

Whoo!
Well--

[ Applause ]
I can't do it.

What?
I can't -- I can't do it. I can't b*at Throwdini.

Maybe 10 years ago,
but he's been training. I haven't been training.

Dave--
Lisa, I can't b*at him.

I've watched you.
You can b*at him. You're better than him.

How do I make this
clear to you?

Throwdini!
Throwdini!

Okay. Hey!
Listen to me, Dave. Throwdini!

I know you better
than anyone, right? Huh?

You can b*at this guy.
You can do it.

Yeah. Yeah, maybe--
Well, n-no-- Well, maybe. Yeah. Sure, maybe.

It was really just dumb luck
that screwed me up in Grand Rapids.

Right. A-And exactly what--
what did happen there? Yes, I can do this.

I lost my confidence for
a second, but I've got it back, and that's all that counts.

It's all about confidence.
So, uh, thank you.

Why don't we practice a bit.
Just, uh-- Yeah, up against the cabinet there.

All right.
You ready?

All right.

One,

two--
[ Sighs ]

three.

Instead of seeing the blazing
knives of the great Throwgali,

WNYX now brings you
the song stylings of the remarkable Beth.

[ Applause ]
Don't be nervous.

I'm not nervous.
Fine. But if you get nervous, I'll jump in and save you.

Don't jump in.
Shh.

♪ Another bride ♪

♪ Another groom ♪

♪ Another sunny ♪

♪ Honeymoon ♪

♪ Another season ♪

♪ Another reason ♪

♪ For makin' whoop-- ♪
♪ Whoopee ♪

Bill,
what are you doing? I thought you froze up.

No, I'm fine.
Sorry.

♪ A lot of shoes ♪

♪ A lot of rice ♪

♪ The groom is nervous ♪

♪ He answers-- ♪
♪ Something, something ♪

- ♪ It's kind of killin' ♪
- [ Man ] You suck!

- No, not you! Him! He sucks!
- ♪ That he's so willin' ♪

♪ To make whoopee ♪
♪ Whoopee ♪

I'll take it from here.
You just do a little dance or something.

Boo!
♪ Picture a little love nest ♪

[ Glass Shattering ]
♪ Down where the roses cling ♪

It's all for charity, folks!

See ya. Well, looks like
I'm gonna lose the bet, folks.

Does this mean
Matthew still does not have his job back?

Well, just goes to show you,
when you wanna do something right,

you've gotta
do it yourself.

People, I want you
to meet Billy.

Why didn't you tell us
you were a ventriloquist?

I don't know.
I guess I thought you'd make fun of me...

the way you make fun
of all the dorky things Dave does.

- Thank you, Matthew.
- Which really isn't fair.

- Thank you, Matthew.
- 'Cause I hear he was really good in Grease.

Thank you,
Matthew.

Wait a minute.
How long you been doing this?

Uh, I took lessons
when I was four.

And then in high school
I did tons of ventriloquist competitions, and--

Well, great! Come on.
Get out there! Let's go! There's a problem though.

What?
I don't work for WNYX.

Okay. Well,
effective right now, you are rehired.

Yes!
But if you don't win, you're fired.

Oh.
All right. So give 'em hell, son.

Oh, well, we will.
Won't we, Billy? ♪ [ Band: Fanfare ]

Now we have a late entry
from WNYX.

Ladies and gentlemen,
please give a warm welcome to Matthew Brock and Billy.

[ Applause ]

[ Clears Throat ]

Hey, what a great-looking
audience we got out there in the crowd, huh, Billy?

[ High-pitched Voice ]
Yeah, we sure do.

[ Indistinct Mumbling ]

Billy, he's not fat.
That's not very nice to say.

I'm sorry, sir.
He gets carried away sometimes.

[ Mumbling Continues
In High-pitched Voice ]

[ Laughs ]
That, you sure could--

Hey, Billy, anything funny
happen to you on the way to the theater tonight?

Yeah!
[ High-pitched Mumbling Continues ]

[ Laughing ]

Oh, um--

Probably heard that
one before, huh?

[ Mumbling Continues ]

I guess you don't--
you don't want to hear this.

Wow, I suck at this,
don't I?

See, I was fired from my job
a few months ago, and--

and this was,
like, my one chance at getting hired back.

Which, when I think
about it now, really doesn't even make sense at all.

Oh.
[ Sighs ]

[ High-pitched Voice ]
You did your best.

Yeah, I did.
Which I guess my best, as usual, wasn't good enough.

I'm sorry, guys, that
you had to listen to this.

[ Applause ]
♪ [ Band: Fanfare ]

[ Applause, Cheering ]

You know, I didn't want this.

What's the matter?
You won.

Yeah, I know. But I didn't
want to win on a pity vote.

That's how
I win everything.

You've won
something before?

Dude, in honor of your return,
I now hereby officially light the WNYX Christmas tree.

Oh, thanks.

Matthew, I can't tell you
how-- how glad I am that you won.

[ Sighs ]
Thanks, Mr. James.

I only wish I'd, you know,
won a lot of money too.

- I thought you did.
- No, no.

Apparently there was some
kind of miscommunication. [ Joe ] What?

Well, if I asked you
for a ten-spot, how much-- how much money is that?

- Ten bucks.
- Damn. I could have sworn it was a lot more than that.

- Who wants another?
- Bill, I could have gotten those.

Hey, it's your first day back.
You can reimburse me some other time.

Now that I'm not feeling
so nervous, can I put on a little show for you guys?

Oh, I don't think
that's necessary. That's okay.

Come on! I want you to see
how good I really am.

Hey, Billy, did you have fun
at the theater tonight?

That hurt.

Wow.
That was really good, Matthew.

[ Joe ]
Dude, that was good.

No, no.
I did not do that. Honest.

That's right.

The great Ventriloquidini.