04x09 - The Secret of Management

[bunniefuu]

We should try to do something
to cheer Matthew up.

Why? Is he on the verge
of getting fired again?

No, but ever since he got hired
back, he feels like nobody's paying attention to him.

Maybe we should take him
to lunch. Or better yet, get someone else to do it.

Come on. Try to pay
a little more attention to him, all right?

He's obviously desperate.
Oh, he's fine.

No, he's not. Look.

We're back at 7:30
on a nice, clear morning here in New York City,

where a big crowd has
gathered outside our window to say hello.

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

- Okay. I guess that's it.
Uh, Mr. James? - Yeah?

- Could I talk to you about
the promotional budget? - You got it. What's up?

Well, I was goin' over
some of the numbers. Uh-huh.

The people who make
our program guides are charging us 12 cents a unit.

Yeah. Uh-huh.
So I say, "Twelve cents a unit?"

I mean, I didn't actually say
that, but I said it up there in my head.

I'm stuck in the elevator
with the only remaining...

living members of
Bachman-Turner Overdrive,

and Turner, you know,
turns to me.

He says, "You know, you kind of
remind me of Bob Hillis."

[ Laughing ]
[ Laughing ]

- Bobby Hillis!
- Bob Hillis?

Little Bobby Hillis.
Who's Bob Hillis?

Huh?
Who's Bob Hillis?

- He's just a guy.
- Yeah.

- What's so funny about him?
- What isn't?

[ Laughing ]
[ Laughing ]

Uh, anyway, sir, I real--
I really do need to talk to you.

Oh, yikes. Fun's over.
Okay. I'll see you, Dave.

Okay, sir. Okay.
Oh, oh, but Mr. James,

uh, would you please give
my regards to Bob Hillis?

[ Both Laughing ]

Well, anyway, I was, uh,

going over the promo budget,
and I--

Why don't you sit down,
sir?

Okay.
And I realized that some of our numbers...

were kind of high,
so I--

Are you all right?

Yeah. Yeah. It's just,
uh, Dave's couch was a lot more comfortable.

It's the exact same couch.

Oh! Oh, I guess it
just seems different,

'cause Dave's office
was so much larger.

Anyway, what'd you want
to talk to me about?

Oh, I-I found a better supplier
for our program guides.

Oh. Good work.
Anything else?

- No.
- Okay.

Actually, you know what?
There is. Yeah?

It's so funny.
I don't know why this just popped into my head.

Mm-hmm.
Do you remember the time that you and I...

were stuck
on the elevator,

and we ran into that
real character from the seventh floor--

[ Laughing ]
Ed Curtis?

No. Anything else?
No.

All right.
Uh, where are you going, sir?

I'm having lunch with Dave.
Oh. That's nice. Where are you having lunch?

Dave's desk.
I mean, you're welcome to join us if you want,

but it's kind of
a small desk, so-- Mm-hmm. Uh, Mr. James.

Yeah?
I don't quite know how to say this,

but I was just wondering
if maybe you and I--

Never mind.
Okay.

Why don't you
hang around with me...

the way you used to
hang around with Dave when he was boss?

Lisa, look.

See, it's-it's-it's,
uh--

Dave and I, we, you know,
we could talk about...

guy stuff.

Guy stuff?
Yeah.

I can do that.
No.

Yes, I can. I can.
Try me. Just try me. I-- Yeah?

You think?
Yes.

Okay.
[ Clears Throat ]

That Lisa's sure got
some cute ass, huh?

Uh, yes.

Yes, she does.
Thank you.

No! See,
it's not the same!

No. Let's mix it up
a little bit. Come on. Come on.

[ Smacks ]

Just--
Okay. Okay.

See, uh--
Oh, I know. I know. I know.

Did you know that,
when enlarged,

a prostate can
swell up to the size of a grapefruit?

Huh? That's big.
No!

See? It's not the same.
It's just-- It's not. You're trying too hard.

Look, look. It wasn't
all "prostates" this...

and "Lisa's cute ass" that
with Dave at first either.

- It wasn't?
- No. Heck, no.

Dave was boss a full three
weeks before I told him the Secret of Management.

- The secret of what?
- Nothin'. I-- I--

Look, sir.
Bye.

Hello, Dave.
Hey, Bill.

Dave, I've been thinking
about our little show,

and I have
some thoughts.

What if I took on
Muammar Qaddafi? I mean, really let him have it?

See, I think people
are starting to get fed up with that guy.

I'd like to take him
down a few notches. What do you think?

Bill? Who's that man,
and what the hell is he doing?

Oh, Cadbury's
my new manservant.

- Isn't that right, Cadbury?
- The master is correct, sir.

You hired a butler?
Well, I prefer to think of Cadbury...

as a gentleman's gentleman.

Right, Cadbury?
You are too kind, sir.

Your coffee, Mr. McNeal.

I trust you will alert me
immediately if it is less than satisfactory.

Bill, why did you
hire a butler?

Too hot.

Dave, when a person
reaches a certain level of success in life,

he finds he needs
a loyal companion.

Take Batman, for example.
He got very good at fighting crime,

so he went out and hired--

What was his name,
Cadbury? Alfred, sir.

Very good.
Cadbury's an Oxford man.

Ah. Well, Bill,
we're not living in 19th-century England.

Well, maybe you're not,
and neither was Batman,

but plenty of people
in 20th-century America have had manservants.

Mm-hmm. Name one.
Well, there's Liberace.

That's neither here nor there.
Plenty of people, right, Cadbury?

Among those of a certain
distinction and breeding,

keeping a personal valet
is de rigueur, sir.

Well, uh, fine.

Pleasure to meet you,
Cadbury.

A pleasure,
Mr. Nelson. Ah.

While you're here, would you
like him to shine your shoes? No, thank you.

Are you sure? Get you some
coffee? Clean your desk? No. No.

Do a little dance
for you? No. No dance.

Come on.
Do a little dance. What sort of dance, sir?

- I don't know. A boogie dance.
- Very good, sir.

Yeah. That's right.
Make funky, Cadbury.

Yeah!
Go! Go! Go!

Hey, thanks for taking me
out to lunch, you guys.

Well, Dave said you were
feeling a little down.

Oh, that's sweet.
Did Bill say anything?

Dude, what exactly
are you down about?

Oh, I don't know.
I just--

It's like nobody even notices
that I'm-I'm back.

I didn't even get
a "welcome back" party or anything.

What about the cake
we got you, the one that said, "Welcome back Matthew"?

Yeah, I know.

I thought we were gonna
party hardy, you know?

I'm probably overreacting.
Let's just wait to see what Bill says.

Dude, Bill's not comin'.
It's just Beth and me.

Oh. Oh, well,
that's cool too.

I mean, I-I-I could not
be happier eating lunch with Joe and--

- Beth.
- Beth. I know.

[ Sighs ]

So are you glad to be back?
We're glad to have you back.

Yeah. You know what?
I'm gonna go to the men's room right quick.

You know, he's not
comin' back.

Yeah, but we have Dave's
corporate card, so we might as well run up a nice bill.

Oh, did somebody
say "Bill"?

- We were talking
about the check. - Right. Anyways,

I'm just gonna finish up
in the men's room.

Bill, we need to talk
about the show.

[ Ringing ]

- May I help you, sir?
- Uh, no, no, no.

Uh, Bill--
Sir, may I help you?

[ Sighs ]

Yeah, I need
to talk to Bill.

Allow me to see
if the master is in.

The master is out, sir.
Would you care to come later?

Bill, we need to talk
about the show.

Sir, if you'd like
to leave a message for Mr. McNeal,

I'd be happy to give it
to him on his return.

- Bill!
- Sir, if you don't leave the premises,

I shall call the police.

Here's the rundown for today's
Shut Up, New York.

It's mostly about butlers,
and how everyone who doesn't have one is an idiot.

Thank you.
And... that's my stapler.

- Uh, Dave.
- It is my stapler. I have the receipt right here.

You can have the stapler.
Well, thanks. It's my stapler. Great.

What? Dave? What happened
to our little truce? What?

- Ah. You want something
from me? What do you want? - No. Nothing.

What is it? Come on.
No, no, no, no, no.

What do you want?
I was just, uh,

talking to Mr. James
about the Secret of Management.

You were?
Really? Already? Yeah.

Yeah. Well, he made me
wait two weeks, of course, but--

Of course he did. Yeah.
It's funny. Who would have thought that...

was the Secret
of Management? What?

You know. Secret.
Yeah.

Oh, yeah. That was quite--
was quite a surprise. Yeah. No kidding.

You have no idea what
the secret is, do you? No, I don't.

Well, consider yourself lucky.
You don't want to know.

- You mean, you don't
want me to know. - No, trust me.

I mean,
you don't want to know.

Hi, Mr. James.
Hi.

- What kind of cookie
you got there? - Cookie.

Okay. Mr. James,
I want you to tell me the Secret of Management.

Who told you about
the Secret of Management? You did.

Oh. You discuss it
with anyone else? Just Dave.

He tell you what it was?
He tell anyone else? No. No.

You tell anyone else?
Anyone else tell him? No. Tell him what?

I forget. What were
we talkin' about? The Secret of Management.

Shh!

Are you gonna tell me, sir?
Perhaps.

Perhaps she's ready.
But I think maybe-- Yes.

Yes, it may be...
her time.

- Are you okay?
- You shall be told--

But not here, not now.
It's not safe, not secure.

We'll have dinner
at my house,

and there, my child,
you shall be told.

When?
Now. Time is of the essence.

Let's go! Hurry!

Wouldn't tell you,
would he? No.

But he's gonna tell me
about it at dinner tonight over at his house.

- His new house?
- I guess so. What's it like?

- I don't know.
I've never been there. - Oh. Interesting.

Enjoy.

[ Jimmy ]
Lisa!

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

- Well, I hope you're hungry.
- You hope I'm what?

What'd you say?

Sir, would you mind
if I just came down there?

I hate to waste 16 feet
of table, but all right. Come on.

You got everything?
Yeah.

All right.
Wow.

So, you really designed
this place all by yourself?

Yeah. Yeah, sure did.

I wanted a place just
like Xanadu, but without such a dorky name.

- So what'd you call it?
- "Fort Awesome."

Look, I'm-- You know,
I'm sorry if I made you feel like...

I like Dave
better than I like you.

- Oh, no.
- No, I have. I have and I'm sorry,

but it's just the
"Secret of Management" thing.

It's like a special bond
we have between us.

I don't know any
other way to say it,

but it'll change your life.

So what is it?

All right.
All right.

Let the--
[ Presses Buttons ]

♪ [ Orchestral ]
secret ceremony...

to transmit
the secret knowledge...

begin.

[ Screaming ]
Oh, I'm sorry, Lisa!

I'm not really sure what
most of these buttons do. Lisa?

Guys, your stomachs are
in for a serious party.

This is, like,
my all-time favorite place.

That is, in fact,
the only reason we are here.

Yeah, this place
kicks ass.

Ahoy. Welcome to
Petey the Pirate's Funtime Pizza Palace.

Petey the Pirate has
prepared a pizza for you in his pirate pizza parlor.

Here are your drinks.
No refills.

Hey, you give our regards to
Petey the Pirate, all right?

Okay.

Petey the Pirate's
not a real guy.

Really?

Just don't want them
to know I know.

Good plan.

Wha--
Your pizza pie, sir.

Thank you, Cadbury.
He's indispensable.

Yeah, well, anyway,
as I was saying, I tried to warn Lisa,

but I don't think she
really knows what she's getting into with Jimmy.

Women troubles.
Come and tell old Uncle Bill all about it.

You know, this place
doesn't seem as fun as it used to be...

back when my parents
used to take me.

- Oh, when was that?
- Last week. [ Laughs ] Just kidding.

My parents hate this place.

Perhaps Master Matthew
would enjoy a good romp in the playroom.

I'm gonna give that a sh*t.
Hey, wait up!

And then, uh,
during the Renaissance,

the Secret of Management
was rediscovered by the monks.

Mr. James, do you think
we could just skip ahead...

to the actual
Secret of Management?

Well, all right. All right.
[ Clears Throat ]

The Secret of Management.

The Secret of Management--

- Are you sure you're
ready for this? - I am so ready, sir.

Okay. All right.
[ Clears Throat ]

The Secret of Management
is...

"Measure twice,

cut once."

♪ [ Orchestral ]

- What?
- "Measure twice, cut once." That's it.

♪ [ Orchestral ]

Aha. And that's
the Secret of Management?

- Yeah, well, there's more.
- Okay.

Okay.
[ Clears Throat ]

"No shirt, no shoes,
no service."

♪ [ Orchestral ]

And, "Don't do today...

what you can put off
till tomorrow."

♪ [ Disco ]

Oh, I swear to God!
All these buttons look the same!

Okay, now I remember why
I used to love this place.

Quite amusing,
Master Matthew.

Did somebody say something?
I can't hear anything under there.

Look, if we don't
find the car keys, we'll never get home.

- So keep looking.
- With pleasure, and I do mean pleasure.

How did you lose them
in here anyway?

Well, I was supervising
Master Matthew, and it appears they fell out of my pocket.

Ahoy, mates.

Appears as though your keys
are forever lost in Davy Jones's locker.

Please check for lost items
in Petey the Pirate's Lost and Found Treasure Department.

It's time for my break.

I'll tell you what.
Dave, you and Matthew keep looking.

Cadbury, come play Skee-Ball
for my amusement.

Very well, sir.
Bill--

Oh, I got something.
I got 'em. I got 'em.

Huh?

[ Yelps ]

Secret number 434,

"The boss is never wrong."

Secret number 435,

"When in doubt,

see secret number 434."

Li--

♪ [ Orchestral ]
Ow!

Ow! What time is it?

6:30 in the morning.

Oh! Which brings me
to secret 436.

"I'm with stupid."

Mr. James,
"I'm with stupid"...

has nothing to do
with management.

Oh, and what if you're managing
something and you're standing right next to a stupid guy?

That's not a secret, sir.

None of these are secrets.
They're not secrets.

They're stupid clichés
that I have heard one hundred times.

All right. All right.
But who do you think wrote those clichés?

- Nobody wrote them.
- Yeah, well, that's where you're wrong.

Because...

I wrote 'em.

Okay. Okay. So you mean
to tell me that you...

are responsible for
all of those T-shirts and bumper stickers and--

No, no. Lisa, Lisa,

you're sittin'
in the house that "Honk If You're Horny" built.

Look, Lisa, I know
they're a bunch of dumb clichés individually,

but if you string 'em all
together there's a single,

unifying thread and the secret
will reveal itself.

So, it's like a puzzle.
Exactly.

Okay.
So, have you figured it out?

Do you know what
the Secret of Management is?

Always consider
sound advice,

but only follow
your own instincts.

Yeah. Let's keep going.

Secret 437, "It's hard to fly
with the eagles when you're surrounded by turkeys."

Secret 4--

Hi, Bill.
Where's your manly man? It's "gentleman's gentleman."

Cadbury's gone.

- If I was that dude I would've
quit a long time ago. - Oh, he didn't quit.

- What? You fire him already?
- No, he woke up early this morning...

and stole my wallet,
my credit cards, my TV, my stereo,

my refrigerator
and most of my furniture.

- Did you call the police?
- Oh, yes, and I explained the whole story.

- What'd they say?
- I believe their exact words were,

"What kind of a jackass
hires a discount butler...

from a classified ad
in the local PennySaver?"

Then I became verbally abusive
and they hung up on me.

Told you, you didn't
want to know. Oh, it was awful.

We were up till 7:00
in the morning...

and he must have told me
500 of those stupid sayings. Five hundred? Hmm.

That ought to put you about
one-sixth of the way through.

No.

Oh, Lisa,
I'm glad I caught you.

I don't have your home phone.
I'll write it down for you, sir.

Good. Also,
do you have a pager? No.

You do now. Now I need
to see you in your office in private.

Uh, can I go to the bathroom?
No.

Secret 597,

"Whoomp! There it is!"