04x12 - Who's the Boss: Part 1

[bunniefuu]

Bill, I'm gonna need
to see the copy for today's "Real Deal With Bill McNeal."

Don't worry.
It's all up here.

Bill, you can't just
go on the air and improvise your editorial.

Lisa, every day
I say that to myself,

and every day I somehow manage
to pull another one out of my butt.

Ha! Ha!

Bill, no offense,
but generally,

when you decide to improvise
your editorials, it turns into a rambling discourse...

on the inadequacies
of random objects in the broadcast booth.

And I happen to think
yesterday's editorial,

"Microphones: Why Do They Have
To Be So Close To Your Face,"

was a smashing success.

- All Lisa is asking you is--
- Dave-- Dave, I know what I'm doing.

Oh.
Thank you. Bill, my office, now!

Why do you have to be
so difficult?

I'm just trying to toughen up
the little lady.

Bill, Lisa is not a little lady,
all right?

Bill, what are you doing?
I said, my office. Sorry.

Dave was just setting me
straight on your weight problem. My what?

Not your "what," your weight. I
said you were little, and Dave practically called me a liar.

Honestly, I think
he still loves you. He's a little worried.

Dave, my office, now!
What?

Mornin'.

Well, keep up
the good work, fellas.

Yeah, I wish I could work.
I can't even get to my desk here.

And why would that be,
Matthew?

I don't want
to cross the line.

The line.
What line would that be? Joe's on strike.

Oh, come on, Joe.
Not you too.

Sorry, Mr. James.

Matthew's just trying
to get to his job.

Will you just let him pass,
please? He can do whatever he wants.

I just can't guarantee
his safety. Oh, all right.

[ Thuds ]

Look, he called you
a little lady, and I corrected him.

It wasn't so much
the little thing. You know, the lady part.

So you're saying I'm manly?

Yes, I think you're
a big, fat man.

You caught me.
Here's that copy you requested.

What is wrong with you?

"It up immediately."
What the hell's that supposed to mean?

She told me to write it up
immediately, so I wrote, "It up immediately."

- Get out.
- Here.

This is a friend of mine who
specializes in morbid obesity.

You are not alone.
Get out!

You know, you really shouldn't
let him get to you like that. I know what I'm doing.

All right. All right.
You know, why do you keep treating me like I'm the enemy?

Ever since you took over my job,
I've been nothing but supportive.

I know. I'm sorry.
You're right.

It's just... this job.
This job!

I didn't know it
was gonna be so-- Bill-intensive?

Well, no.
Bill-centric?

No.
Bill-illicious? Bill-esque?

No.
It's like Bill-bastic.

- I don't follow.
- Dave, he's driving me crazy.

Oh.
Well, what's he done now? Is he--

Piano in the break room?
No.

Hammock in the elevator?
No.

Hidden camera
in the ladies room? No.

- He did that?
- The man's just not right.

I mean, don't you wish sometimes
you could just...

come up with a scheme,
like an evil plan to teach him a lesson?

Like what?

Okay.
Wait, wait, wait.

Before we do this, could we
get back to the hidden camera in the ladies' room?

Uh, well,
Bill had a theory...

that Matthew was going
to the ladies' room by accident.

Oh.

Was he?
Yes.

You know, uh, Joe,
I think Mr. James treats you pretty well.

Of course he does.
Think I want to be on strike?

It's the other union,
the Industrial Retrofitters Local 238.

They're the ones
with the beef. Oh, okay.

So you're striking so that
you can get some beef too?

What? No.

Their union
and our union are allied, like sister unions.

So if they go on strike,
I gotta go on strike too.

Oh. Okay.
I get it.

So it's like two stepsisters
who hate each other sharing a piece of beef.

Bill, Lisa and I have struggled
with this job for some time.

But at a certain point--
At a certain point,

you just have
to face facts.

We're not good enough.
The station deserves a better boss.

And that boss is you.

Well, your logic
is impeccable, but...

is this some kind of evil plan
to teach me a lesson?

- What?
- An evil plan...

to teach me how hard it is
to be boss,

so I'll have more respect
for the hard work you two do?

I'm sorry.
One more time. Never mind.

I'm obviously thinking on
a higher plane than you guys.

- Great. So you'll do it.
- Oh, I don't know.

I'm pretty happy
with my current position.

Bill, where would we all be
if Winston Churchill said,

"I'm pretty happy
with my current position" during World w*r II?

[ Laughs ] I think you mean
the w*r of 1812, but I get your point.

I just don't want
to be the boss. I'm sorry. That's too bad.

Because for the good
of this office, I, as boss, am ordering you to be boss.

Fine.
Now I'm the boss.

And as the boss,
I hereby order myself not to be the boss forever.

Well, that was fun
while it lasted.

Bill, please.

All right.
I just hope you two know what you're doing.

Lisa and I have wrestled
with this issue for some time.

Dave, for once,
I'm not interested in hearing the details of your sex life.

- We know what we're doing.
- Lisa, again,

I'm not interested
in your sex life.

Now get out of my office.
We weren't talking about our sex life.

Well, I am!
Sex people exeunt!

Come on, Joe.
Forget the strike. Okay, fine.

I just want you to know,
Beth, that, uh, the coffeemaker's busted.

-Joe, what's up?
-Did you hear what he just said?

- The coffeemaker's busted.
- So?

The coffeemaker's just
the tip of the iceberg.

This place is falling apart
around me. I can feel it.

This is really
driving you crazy, isn't it?

Of course it is. You know
what holds the station together?

- Gravity?
- No.

The sweat of my brow, the grace
of God and a few hundred miles of my homemade duct tape.

Now I'm being forced to sit here
and watch it disintegrate right before my eyes.

If it bothers you so much,
why don't you just fix things a little?

No. I took a solemn oath.
[ Matthew ] Joe?

Oh, ho. Hey, hi.
Um, copy machine's jammed.

Damn you, Jimmy Hoffa!

No. No. Actually, I think
I'm the one that did it.

Oh. Heads up.

[ Joe ]
Warm. Warmer. [ Beth ] Mm-hmm.

Warmer.
Oh, Joe, can't you be any more specific than that?

Not without breaking
any union bylaws.

Warm. Warmer.

I could really use
a cup of coffee. Isn't that thing working yet?

No, but Joe is showing me
how to fix it. No, I'm not.

I'm sitting here reading
a magazine saying, "Cold, cold, warm."

- Completely unrelated.
- Whatever you're doing, do it quickly, all right?

All right.
Okay.

Warmer. Warmer.
Oh!

Hot. Hot. Hot.
Very hot. Yeah! Yeah, yeah.

[ Muttering ]
No, no, you don't. Cold. Ice cold.

Good God, woman,
what have you done? I'm sorry. I thought I could--

Coffee machine broken!
No coffee!

Calm yourself, little one.
Matthew?

I believe you
take yours black.

Yes.
Take this one here. [ Grunts ]

Thank you for getting
the coffee. Good job.

Oh, yeah. I was really
in a zone on this one.

Everything just clicked.
You did great, just like I knew you would.

Now, reformat this for me
and send it down to Accounting.

Ew. I'm actually not
very good at reformatting.

Then learn to be.
I'm not very good at learning either.

I believe in you.
I know you won't let me down.

Oh, okay.
I will. I will.

You are looking at
the little engine that could.

[ Imitating Train Chugging ]

Where's Accounting?
I'm, like-- Sixth floor.

- Right next to the commissary.
- Yeah, Bill?

This just came in off the wire.
There's a b*mb scare at city hall.

I'll get down there right away.
You're staying here. We're understaffed.

Make this your lead story
through drive time. Okay, but--

Do it now. Pre-commercial.
Tease it with the line:

"t*rror1st scare in the heart of
Manhattan. The story as it breaks in 30 seconds." Beth.

This is the cell-phone number
of the secretary that works in the deputy mayor's office.

Get her on the line and patch it
through to Lisa. Tell her it's a favor for Billy "M."

- I can be downtown--
- No, I need you to pull the tape...

on that color and background
piece we did on the b*mb squad, 12/2/87.

- Carts three, four and five.
- Yeah, but if--

Back in the storeroom,
third shelf from the door,

right at the bottom
in a box mislabeled "1992 Sports Promos."

Now move it!

Are you still on strike?
Afraid so.

Well, management sympathizes
with your plight...

and hopes for a fair and speedy
conclusion to this disagreement.

Thanks, dude.

Ground wire from the timer
was shorting out the heating element.

Hey, Beth, what are you doing?
Oh, my God! I'm typing, Dave.

- I'm actually typing!
- What are you typing?

Important business stuff.
I feel so vital, Dave. [ Grunts ]

Matthew,
what are you doing?

Well, apparently
advertisers won't pay us unless we send them a bill.

You know, Matthew,
you addressed this correctly.

- I know. Isn't it exciting?
- Oh, how exciting!

Wake up, New York.
If the furtherance proposed by the mayor goes through,

an additional .085%
of pretax revenue...

will be lost this quarter,
and that speaks for itself.

And that's--
♪ [ Dramatic Sting ]

[ Male Voice ]
"Real Deal With Lisa Miller." More after this.

Did you hear it?
What'd you think? Too sensationalistic?

Or maybe it wasn't
sensationalistic enough?

Oh, no.
Not you too.

Did you hear it?
Hear what?

My editorial calling
for sweeping borough charter reforms.

Lisa, you're so excited
about being back on the air,

you've completely fallen
under Bill's evil spell.

I have no idea
what you're talking about.

All I'm doing
is getting on the air...

and giving people
the straight dope about...

the unincorporated
business tax.

The revolution
will be broadcast.

All right, fine. I'll leave you
to your pirate nerd radio.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait. What are you doing?

The maestro is at work.

Maestro?
Yeah. That's what some of us are calling him now.

It's kind of a respect thing.
You see-- Uh-huh.

Oh.

Hi, Dave.
Hey, Bill.

Steady on, Matthew.
Return to your post. Good lad.

How'd you get the piano in here?
I had it brought in during lunch.

- Mm-hmm.
- I do some of my best thinking while I'm on the piano.

- Like Beethoven.
- Mm-hmm. Or Steve Allen.

Now, why is Matthew sending out
those bills to the advertisers?

Oh, I remember back
when you were boss.

One day I heard you say,
"Matthew, send those bills to the advertisers."

I thought it sounded
very boss-like, so I thought I'd give it a sh*t.

Mm-hmm. Yeah, but those bills
went out weeks ago.

So what?
At least he's working.

Yeah. And Beth appears
to be typing up transcripts...

of traffic reports
from the 1980s.

She's a good little worker.
Mm-hmm.

And, uh, Bill,
there was no b*mb scare, was there?

No, there wasn't.
But it was a great radio moment. Mm-hmm.

Bill, being a good boss
requires more...

than just making up fake work
for people to do.

Dave, don't you have
a value-analysis report to type up?

No, I don't,
because no such thing exists.

Well, then, why don't you
type up something else?

And whatever it is,
I want it on my piano by the end of the day.

♪ [ Piano Flourish ]

Hey!

How's my-- How's my
little one-man picket line doing in there?

- It's cool.
- Good. Good.

That's-- That's good to hear.
Whoops!

You gotta be gentle
with that. Gentle, huh?

I don't even want to touch
the damn thing.

It's strikes, you know?
They always kind of put me on edge.

How about you, Joe?
I'm fine.

You're fine? That's good.
That is so good to hear.

Now, I'm thinking--
I'm thinking, what did I come in here for?

Chips. Chips!
Delicious chips!

Now, where--
where are those chips?

No, not there.
Careful with that, Joe.

You don't want to--
don't want to step on that.

That's danger--
No, I don't see any in there.

No chips in there, Joe.
Maybe-- Maybe--

Oh, oh, oh.
Oh! Hey!

Soup. Soup!

That's what I'll have,
some soup. It's good, and it's good for you.

I'll just pop it in here.
We'll just turn it on there.

You know, the strikes--
The damn thing, it's just making me nuts here.

They-They could go on
for weeks and months.

They could go on
for years even.

- Doesn't bother me
in the slightest. - Doesn't bother you.

Isn't that great?
That is-- That is so, uh-- so good to hear.

Oh, look at that!

Oh, well.

So you'll, uh--
you'll tell me when the soup's ready, won't you?

Thanks, Joe.

[ Bell Dings ]

Soup's done!

Matthew, stop that.
Gotta work, Dave. Gotta work.

Matthew, stop.
Gotta work, Dave.

Bill said--
[ Indistinct ] Matthew, stop it.

They have to go out
by this afternoon. Bill said.

Well, Bill lied.
The maestro?

I don't think
he would do that.

Yes, those bills went out
two weeks ago.

Well, then, why would he--
he have me--

Bill was just giving you
some busy work to do to make himself look like a good boss.

And I'm afraid the same
goes for you, Beth.

Really? I'm not addressing
envelopes for bills that have already been paid.

No, you're typing up
traffic reports from the 1980s.

Well, that seems
kind of stupid, huh?

I sense unhappiness.
How can I be of help?

I want to
know why-- Silence!

The workers are in revolt.

I need a moment alone...
to think.

♪ [ Melodramatic Piano ]

- Well, Bill?
- I'll admit I did feel a little overwhelmed.

- As well you should.
- Oh, not by the lies you've been telling.

They're easy enough
to set right. No. I felt overwhelmed...

by the puzzle of what to do
with a subordinate...

who intentionally
spreads false rumors among his coworkers.

My solution: forgive him.

Bill.
Please don't apologize.

Let your conscience
be your reprimand.

Beth, Matthew, Dave apologizes
for the lies he told you. [ Sighs ]

- Can we get back to work then?
- Yes.

Excellent.
Good, people.

You could learn something
from them, Dave.

Wow. What a great boss.

- I know. I know.
- Oh, come on.

B-Beth? Beth?

I'm not talking to you
right now, Dave.

But-But he's... evil.
Is he, Dave? Is he?

Or is that just the reflection
of your own cold, black heart you see?

Just shut up and get back
to work! Scram!

Damn hippie.

Hi, Joe.
Mr. James.

Okay. So,

what exactly are these demands
that we're talking about?

- You giving in?
- No. I'm just curious.

Just curious.
Yeah.

All right.
Well, here's my union's list of demands.

Mm-hmm. Why don't you just,
uh, tell them to me?

I think you should just
read 'em yourself.

Okay.
[ Clears Throat ]

[ Clears Throat ]

- Sir.
- Yeah, Joe?

- Did you sit
on your glasses again? - Oh, yeah.

I guess I did.

Look, Mr. James,
all they want is a bigger stake in the profit-sharing program.

- All right. How much bigger?
- How much do they have now?

Uh, none.

Well, I guess then
they just want... some.

- Fix my glasses?
- You got a deal.

Nice doing business
with you.

All right, Bill.
It's time to end this farce, all right?

- What farce is that?
- The farce of you being boss.

We just gave you this job
to prove a point.

Oh, so I was right.

You wanted to teach old Bill
a lesson, didn't you?

- Well, yes.
- You wanted to outfox the hound.

♪ [ Sprightly Piano ]

But the hound--
♪ [ Ponderous Piano ]

proved foxier than the fox.

- ♪ [ Sprightly Piano ]
- Can we do this without the piano?

Just a second. I haven't
gotten the k*ll theme yet. ♪ [ Discordant Piano ]

You win, all right?
You win.

Let's just end this farce
and get you back in the booth.

You like to say the word
"farce," don't you?

- Bill--
- Farce, farce. Farce, farce, farce.

[ Dave ]
Bill-- Okay, I'm leaving.

Lisa, the helm is yours.

Be good to her.
I will.

Oh, I don't want
to be boss anymore! What?

I don't know. It's just that
when I was on the air today...

doing that story about
zoning ordinance redefinition hearings, I felt so alive!

It's like that's the reason
I got into radio in the first place.

Zoning hearings
and-and tax code revisions...

and-and city council
budget committee meetings, you know?

That is fascinating.

And sad. I can't tarry here
another second.

Come on.
Why don't you just give it another chance?

- You're a really good boss.
- No, he isn't.

Shh!

I am many things
to many people.

But New York needs me
in that booth--

even more than they need me
in here tormenting Dave.

Someday you'll understand.

Well, Dave, I guess
this is your big chance.

Big chance for what?
To be boss again.

I don't want to be boss.
You don't?

No.
I thought you were dying to get back in here.

Well, I was, yeah.
But now I realize...

that I actually
enjoy working here when I'm not the boss.

I mean, I sleep at night,
my ulcer's gone, my complexion's cleared up.

It looks
really good.

[ Sighs ]
So, I'm sorry.

So, you won't even
be boss again for me?

You're not even
my girlfriend anymore.

Well, what if I still
wasn't your girlfriend,

but I slept with you?

Hmm.

Nuh-uh.

But that's just because
I've had you. I understand.

I mean,
no offense, you know?

Do you wanna flip for it?
I don't really think...

we can flip to decide
who's gonna be the boss. Right. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.
And besides, you know,

you really do
a much better job...

of producing Bill's show
than I ever did, so--

Well, on the other hand--
heads, I'm boss, tails, you're boss.

All right?

[ Both Blowing ]