04x19 - Monster Rancher

[bunniefuu]

Hey, Dave, what do you say...
we get some--

I don't know-- young kid,
fresh out of college...

to work at the station
for no money.

Uh, so you're thinking
about hiring an intern.

Well, you know, I was
sort of hoping...

we could call him
a "Rockin' Ranger of the Junior Jimmy Brigade,"

but I guess "intern's"
got a ring to it too.

This wouldn't happen to be
one of your weird nephews, would it?

No. No.
You sure?

Yes. Well, it's one
of my normal nephews.

Oh.
No, I swear, Dave,

the kid's so normal,
he makes Richie Cunningham...

look like a cr*ck-smoking
p*rn freak.

I'm sorry. I just don't
feel comfortable...

hiring him just because
he's your nephew.

Well, you think I like it?
No, hell, no.

But I got crazy, mad money
and a "buttload" of nephews.

I mean, my hands
are tied here, Dave.

You should be just grateful
that he's the normal one.

[ Sighs ]
All right. Well, we'll give him a sh*t.

- That's all we ask for.
- All right. When can he come in?

Oh, I don't know.
Now, I guess.

Get in here, Walt.

Hi, Walt. I'm Dave.
Mr. Nelson, I just want to tell you...

it is an honor
and a privilege to have this opportunity from you.

Thanks, but you--
Whoa, whoa. Hang on.

There's more.
Walt, go ahead. That's all I have.

No, no. The rest is on
the back of the card. Turn it over.

"With your help,
I hope to do honor to my new title...

as one of the Rockin' Rangers
of the Junior Jimmy Brigade."

I really appreciate
this opportunity.

You really should, Walt,
because there are probably a lot of other people...

who deserve this chance
more than you do, but, uh,

you do have a certain,
well, genetic advantage.

Hey, I can't help it
I look this good.

No, no. That wasn't what I--

What I meant was that, you know,
Mr. James is your uncle.

Right. What does that
have to do with anything?

You wanted
to see me, chief?

Yes, Bill, I'd like you
to meet Walt.

He's a new intern here.
He's gonna be...

following you around--
Mr. McNeal, I want to tell you...

that it is an honor
and a privilege-- You know, Walt,

you really don't have
to do this every time.

Uncle Jimmy told me
that I had to. "Uncle Jimmy"?

So now we're putting Jimmy's
boy toys on the payroll?

Bill, Mr. James does not
have boy toys, all right?

He is actually
Mr. James' nephew, all right?

Oh, because I thought--
I really don't care what you thought.

Just do me a favor and just
show Walt the ropes, okay?

Okay, Walt.
Come with me, my lad.

A world of
enchantment awaits. Where we going first?

A little place I like to call
"Crap House Central." Come on.

Can I, uh, talk to you
for a second? Matthew--

It's very important.
If your feelings are hurt about not being asked...

to be one of Jimmy's
Junior Rangers, just shake it off.

Oh, no, no, no.
It's not that because, uh--

Well, between me and you,
I'm Rockin' Ranger number 1357-A.

Well, good for you.
Yeah.

- Charter member.
- Congratulations.

Thank you.
What do you want?

Well, uh--
Uh-huh?

You know Lisa?
Who works in the office? Yeah.

- Yeah.
- The one with brown hair.

Yeah.
And her desk kind of faces mine?

- Yes, I know who Lisa is.
- Not Lisa from across the street.

I'm talking-- The one
that you used to go out with-- Lisa Milner.

Well, it's Lisa "Miller."

And yes, I know her.
What about her?

Well--

I kind of have
a thing for her. [ Laughs ]

- [ Chuckling ]
- I know.

I know. Who would
have thought, right? No--

Who-- Who indeed?
Who would have thought indeed?

I know. I know.

- Oh, wait.
You're serious, aren't you? - Yeah, yeah.

I know. It--
I know, I know. It's--

How long's--
How long has this been going on?

Longer than I care to admit,
thank you very much. Oh.

Oh.
It was out of a courtesy to you...

that I never
acted on it, Dave.

Hmm. Well, Matthew--

I mean this sincerely.
Thank you.

It's no big thing, bud,
but, uh, I was wondering...

if it would be cool with you
if-if, uh, I asked her out on a date.

Yeah, that would be
cool with me. You have my blessings.

But if I could give you
a little bit of advice--

Oh, tut, tut, Dave.
Tut, tut.

You already lost
the little lady once.

Let's not pretend
that you know the ways of her heart.

[ Clears Throat ]
Hey. Yo. Hey.

Lisa.
Hi.

Hi.
Hi.

Hey.

Can I ask you
a quick question there?

sh**t.
Yeah. Okay.

Uh, and listen, if
the answer's no, it's just-- I'm fine with that.

No pressure here.
Okay. Go ahead.

Okay.
Here goes the question.

Okay.

Can I have a drumroll,
please? [ Imitating Drumroll ]

[ Imitating Cymbal Crash ]

Was that the question?
No, no, no.

[ Clears Throat ]
Okay, here goes the question.

I'm drawing a blank.
Leave me alone.

Leave me--

Here's the rough draft
of Bill's editorial.

Walt.
Yeah?

What happened
to you? It's no big.

Bill just spilled
some coffee on me.

Oh. It looks like
he spilled a whole pot.

Oh, no, no.
It was actually only a half a pot.

- It's my fault anyway.
- Now how could it possibly be your fault?

I don't know.
That's what Bill told me.

It's just a little
harmless hazing.

What's the big deal?

And as far as hazing goes,

pouring a pot of coffee
and hot sauce on guy's head is relatively mild.

You put hot sauce
in there too?

No.

Bill, this is not
a frat house, all right?

We do not haze
the interns.

Oh, come on.

All the top companies are hazing
new employees nowadays.

- Bill, that's a lie.
- Read the papers.

Corporate America
is finally catching on...

to what fraternities
and biker gangs have known for years--

Hazing works.

No, it does not.
It is just bullying, plain and simple.

No, it's not.

It's an ancient ceremonial way
of saying, "Welcome aboard.

"Close your eyes.
Oops! Here's a towel.

Now clean yourself up
and shine my shoes."

[ Groans ]
This is nothing but a boys' club.

What's that
supposed to mean?

I was just trying to think
of a reason to storm out of here,

and that's the best
I could do.

I understand.
Thank you.

[ Chuckling ]
I remember one time in college...

we got this pledge drunk,
locked him in the trunk of a car,

abandoned the car
in a junkyard.

[ Chuckling ]
Hmm.

- And then?
- What?

How'd he get out of the car?

You know what?
I gotta make a phone call.

No, that can wait.

All right, Bill.

What-What is your real problem
with Walt anyway?

Huh?
Isn't it obvious, Dave?

The problem is,
the kid is so damn beautiful.

Pardon?

He's gorgeous--
excruciatingly so.

How do you think
that makes me feel?

Confused?

Dave, for seven years now,

I've been the resident hunk
in this office--

the alpha male, as it were.

And now, along comes this kid
with his sun-dappled hair...

and cheek bones
you could slice cheese on.

Well, I'm sorry.
I had no idea what you were going through.

Of course you didn't.
No. But if it's any consolation to you,

I still think you're
the most beautiful man in the office.

Thanks, Cochise.

[ Sighs ]
Matthew's gonna ask you out.

No, he isn't.

Yes, he is.
[ Laughing ] Why?

Apparently, he's deeply
in love with you.

What?
I know. I don't understand it either myself.

Well, what am I
gonna say to him? I don't know,

but you gotta
let him down easy.

He's a freak.

All right.
Well, I have to go talk to him.

Actually, you can't do that.
I promised him I wouldn't tell anybody.

- Well, why'd he tell you?
- He didn't tell me. He told Dave, who told me.

You know what?
Just don't do anything till he brings it up.

Okay.

[ Both Giggling ]

It's actually kind of sweet.
How sweet?

Not that sweet.

Oh! Lisa.
Hey, Matthew.

Hey. Leave me alone.

Hey, Lisa.
Hi.

How's my, uh--
How's my little Walty doin'?

I'm sure he's doing fine, sir.
Oh, well, good.

You know, of all my nephews,

he's the one I really feel
the strongest bond with.

You know, I'm just
so damn proud of him.

Well, that's nice.
Yeah.

Lisa?
Yeah?

Here's the photocopies
from Beth.

- Walt?
- Yeah?

Why are you wearing makeup?

Oh, Beth was thinking
about bleaching her hair,

and she just wanted
to see if her makeup would still look good, so--

What is your problem
with Walt, huh?

Isn't it obvious, Dave?
I have worked here for five years...

making next to nothing,
and this guy waltzes in--

- He makes nothing.
- You see?

Already he almost makes
as much as I do.

No, you make next to nothing.
He makes nothing. He doesn't get paid.

- Oh. Well, why does he
want this job? - Just to learn.

Learn? Learn what?

I don't know.
Maybe he wants to learn all the things...

that you have learned
in your five years here.

[ Laughing ]

[ Sighs ]

Oh, I'm sorry!
You know, Beth,

with an attitude
like that,

you're not gonna go far
in this world.

[ Whines, Cries ]

I-I'm sorry.
[ Door Closes ]

Hey, uh, getting yourself
some coffee there, huh?

Yeah. You caught me.

Wow.
Look at all that coffee.

Yeah.
Uh, listen, Matthew.

It--
I like coffee too.

A lot of people
don't know that about me, but it's true.

True, true, true.
I didn't know you drank coffee.

I don't.
I like to be around it.

[ Chuckles ]
Don't know why.

I think I understand that.
I mean, I love the smell of coffee.

I don't like the smell.
Oh.

Actually, I'm not quite sure--
Matthew, would you like to take me to dinner tonight?

Okay.
Uh, no.

I wasn't asking you.
I was showing you how to ask me.

Oh. Oh.

Well, uh, what if--

what if--
I do stress the word "if"--

I were to ask you out?
What would you say?

Um, no.
Oh.

But it's not a flat no.
I mean, it's not.

I have a lot of reasons.
I want to explain them to you.

Well, I'm all ears.
Um,

I can't do it right now,
'cause I have a lot of work to do.

How about
after work then? Sure.

Oh, good. Okay.
I'll pick you up at 8:00.

Dress smart, be punctual,
and you will not be disappointed.

Bill.
Yo.

- What's all over your face?
- Makeup.

Why?

Hey, if the new hunk's
gonna pull out the big g*ns,

I'm at least gonna give him
a run for his money.

[ Dave ]
Hey, Walt, why don't you just tag along with me...

for the rest
of the day, huh?

- Really?
- Yeah.

I mean, that would be
an honor. Oh, well, thanks, Walt.

You know, it's not
gonna be a free ride. I'm gonna be hard on you.

Not to the extent
of pouring a pot of coffee with hot sauce on your head.

- There was hot sauce in there?
- No.

Oh. I can handle anything
that you throw at me.

It's like the one time
you said, "No truly great radio journalist...

has ever had
anything handed to him on a silver platter."

Mm-hmm. Yeah.
When-- When did I say that?

Uh, it was Contemporary Radio
magazine, April 16, 1993.

Well, how--
how would you know that?

Dave, I like to be prepared.

Actually reminds me
of the time that you said in the Madison Gazette,

"Nine-tenths of good radio
is preparation.

The other part is just
making sure that you don't burp into the microphone."

[ Laughs ]
Oh, I remember that. [ Cups Clink ]

I love that joke.

Where-- Where the hell
did you get all these press clippings?

Dave, I've been following
your career for years. No.

You remember the National
Junior High Student Council Convention, back in 1991?

Um, yeah. I think I was
a guest speaker there.

You weren't--
You weren't there?

Front and center.
No.

I was 15.

Dave, your speech
changed my life.

Wow. Uh, thank you.

No, Dave. Thank you.

Come on.

Boy, this is, uh--

this is just like
the movies, isn't it?

Yeah. You look very...
"Casablanca-esque."

Oh. See, I was
going for more of a Bugsy Malone look.

Hey, you sure you won't
reconsider the wrist corsage?

Oh, uh, no.

It's not really
my style.

Oh, yeah, okay. Yeah.

No biggie.
Flowers are but a trifle. 'Cause you know what?

I wanna give you
something really special, if you know what I mean.

No. I don't.
Oh, I think you do.

Oh, no. I-I really--
I don't... know. What is it? Ohh!

Okay, you asked for it.

[ Whistles ]

It's you. See?

Oh, yeah. It's--

Feel like I'm looking
at a mirror.

Well, you can keep it.
It's all yours.

Oh, well, thank you.
Thank you, but I can't.

Why? Why not?
Because it's ice.

Uh, Matthew,

can I please say
what I came here to say? Yeah. What?

You are one of the sweetest
people I have ever met in my life.

Thank you.
Which, I think, is what makes this so difficult.

Because, as much as I value
that sweetness,

and as much as I value
you as a friend,

I-I just don't think
that we could work out...

romantically.

Wonder what this thing's
made out of, huh?

Frozen water.
Matthew. Matthew. What?

Did you hear
what I said?

Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah.

I hear-- I heard you.
I just--

[ Groans ]
I feel so stupid.

No. Don't feel stupid.
Don't. Well, I do.

No.
No, I always feel stupid.

Well, yeah. I mean--
I can't really help you with that.

I know.
I just-- I don't want to mess up our friendship.

Yeah, you're right.
You're right.

'Cause what are we?
Good friends.

Yeah. Two good friends...

took one crazy sh*t
at romance.

Yeah, but it just
wasn't meant to be.

Yeah.
It wasn't meant to be.

So one of the friends
took the other one's heart out,

pulverized it flat
with a meat tenderizer,

and then sat on it
and cut one.

What?
Nothing. I'll be all right.

Thanks, Dave. Appreciate it.
Thanks for giving the kid a sh*t,

but I'll have him out
of your hair by tomorrow. Where's he going?

I set him up with
an entry-level position in one of my chemical plants.

But, sir, Walt
has radio in his blood.

Radio, bauxite, smelting--
It's all the same really.

Well, what if I were to offer
him a permanent position here? Seriously?

Seriously. I think
he's got a lot of potential.

Thank you.
I mean, Walt really needs a good role model.

I can't think of anyone
better than you.

Well, except
for yourself.

I'd be a good role model
for another crazy billionaire, maybe,

but not a kid his age.

Dave, I don't know
whether you've noticed,

but most of the stuff I do
is weirder than hell.

That's a very good point,
sir.

Yeah. Oh, hey!
Huh?

Walt? Good-- Good news.

What's the matter?

Nothin'. Girl problems.

Oh! Well, come on.

Tell old Unca Jeemy
all about it.

Sorry?

Oh. He said,
"Tell old Uncle Jimmy all about it."

Oh, uh,

see, I-- I really like
this girl.

I'm just not sure if she--
if she likes me.

Oh.

Have you thought about
maybe sending her some white roses?

- Roses?
- Yeah, send like a dozen white roses.

It shows that you're interested,
but it's not, you know, presuming too much.

Then you just
gauge her response. See if it's safe to proceed.

Yeah, or you can try
my approach,

which is go ahead
and tell her,

"I'm a lonely man,
afraid to die childless."

[ Laughing ]
But I'm just a crazy, old billionaire.

Pay no attention
to old Unca Jeemy.

"Pay no attention
to old Uncle Jimmy."

Unca Jeemy.

So are you sure
you're okay?

Yeah. I'm sorry.
[ Clears Throat ]

♪ [ Ballroom Jazz ]
Sorry about that "meat tenderizer" stuff.

I get grouchy
when I'm hungry.

Well, you know,
for what it's worth,

this has been one
of the most unique dates I have ever been on.

Thanks.

Lisa? Uh, I know we're
just good friends and all, but--

Oh, never mind.

What? No, what is it?
No. Well, I was gonna--

I was gonna ask you...

if you wouldn't mind if--
Matthew.

[ Spits ]

That's sweet, but actually
I was gonna ask you if you wouldn't mind dancing with me.

Sure, let's.
Okay, good. Will the lady do me the honor?

Thank you.

Maestro?
Yeah, if you please. [ Snaps Fingers ]

♪ [ Techno ]

Come on.

Here we go.

Let's just get this
out of the way.

You are one magnificent
hunk of man meat.

I can say that, right?
Uh, sure. Sure, I guess.

Oh, yeah, your looks
are good.

But you know what?
They're not rugged good looks.

That comes with time.

You're still soft and downy,
like a summer peach.

Thanks, Bill.

Now, don't worry,
Walt.

You may be blessed
with rugged good looks when you're...

36 too.

Thanks.

Well, you know,
I don't really think...

I've ever seen you
dance normal. I know, but it was like...

I put myself in the mind
of a robot. [ Chuckles ]

Oh, no.
[ Clicks Tongue ]

I thought I was clear
with Matthew.

Did you tell him
to send the white roses?

Walt, can I talk to you
in my office for a second?

Matthew,
this is very sweet-- I didn't get those for you.

Oh. Wow.
They're beautiful.

Beautiful flowers
for a beautiful lady.

[ Dave ]
Walt! Office, now!