04x20 - 4:20

[bunniefuu]

Don't forget, we're all invited
to Mr. James's smoker tonight.

Yeah.
What is a smoker anyway?

Oh, we used to have those
in college all the time.

That's where you turn the lights
down, crank up a little bit of Dark Side of the Moon.

No, Walt.
No, this is a different kind of smoker.

This is where a bunch of rich,
old men sit around eating steaks and then smoke cigars.

Oh, cigars.
Yeah, cigars.

And then afterwards,
I think there's gonna be some boxing.

Well, you know,
I understand the steaks.

And I don't even
mind the cigars. But boxing?

That's just gay.

Come on, Lisa. This is
a tradition that dates back...

to the cradle of Western
civilization itself.

No, Bill. Once again,
you're thinking about all-nude Greco-Roman wrestling.

This is gonna be, uh,
amateur flyweight boxing.

Oh, but I thought you said it
was gonna be at a men's club.

Different kind
of men's club. Oh.

No, no, no. Look, folks, look.
All that amateur flyweight boxing stuff--

That's all--
That's all played out.

No, tonight-- tonight's smoker's
gonna be something really special.

All right. No-holds-barred,
all-out Ultimate Fighting.

Two men enter a ring.
One man leaves!

No rules, no time limits,
no place to hide, baby.

- Who's gonna be fighting?
- I thought you'd never ask.

In this corner,
weighing in 185 pounds, ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome
rattlin', battlin' Joe "the Gorilla" Garrelli!

Thank for the robe,
Mr. James. No problem.

No. No, no, no.
Oh, yes. Yes. It's all for charity, Dave.

No. Joe, Joe, have you
ever done this before?

Well, I haven't done it, but
I watched it on pay-per-view.

I never paid for it,
but-- Yeah!

All right.
Well, who-who's Joe gonna be fighting?

I thought you'd never ask.

In this corner,
weighing in 143 pounds, ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome the dancer,
the prancer, the lady romancer, Matthew "the Rock" Brock!

Is there any way we can get
these sleeves hemmed? 'Cause I'm, like, swimming in this.

That's okay.
I'll take care of it.

Mr. James, you didn't tell me
I was gonna be fightin' him. I can't do this.

I understand you're scared,
but you can't let him see that.

He'll use it
against you.

Yes, Matthew?
You're going down, bitch.

All right, Dave.
I don't want you to panic,

but I know you consider me
your best friend, so I'm just gonna blurt this out.

Joe's having
an affair with Lisa? No.

Matthew's having
an affair with Lisa? No.

Beth is having
an affair with Lisa.

No.

Walt is having an affair
with Lisa.

Oh, good, you already know.

But tell me, are you coming
to grips with it?

Bill, Walt is not having
an affair with Lisa, all right?

Granted, he has a-- you know,
a schoolboy crush on her, but can you blame him?

- Dave, this is your woman
we're talking about. - No, no.

Lisa is not my woman. She has
not been my woman for about three months, all right?

And I'm fine with that.
And Lisa's fine with that.

Everybody's fine with that.
Why are you the only person who isn't fine with that?

Because this
swing-and-swing-alike attitude might have worked...

back in the glory days of
free love and Fredo's Retreat, but please--

I think you mean
"Plato's Retreat."

Dave, you're talking
to a card-carrying member of the hot-tub generation.

With the emphasis
on the word "member"!

I-I-It's no way
to live your life!

Really.
And, Bill, you just make it sound like such fun.

Oh, it was
more than fun, Dave.

Mm-hmm.
A lot more.

I remember we used to have
what they called "key parties." Key parties, huh?

Yeah, you know, where everyone
throws their car keys into a big bowl,

and then picks a set of
keys out at random and--

And?
And then you get to take someone else's car home.

You know, I kind of think the
point of those parties was to take somebody else's wife home.

Well, no wonder they never
invited me back.

Is your own life so boring
that you have to obsess...

about imaginary love triangles
that you're not even a part of?

Yes.

Um, yeah, again,
we understand that it is all for--

Charity. Yeah.
charity.

Yes. But to put Joe
in a boxing ring with-- No, not a boxing ring.

It's an Octagon of horror.

Haven't you ever
seen Ultimate Fighting? Yeah, I have.

What? Joe lent me
some of his tapes.

But, you know,
Matthew's not gonna get k*lled.

He might have
some secret techniques that might surprise you.

What techniques?
They're secret.

You don't know
what they are.

Matthew's been
hounding me for months. He knows what he's doing.

Besides, if he gets in trouble,
he can give up.

Mr. James,
Matthew doesn't give up. She's right.

He does not quit.
No.

No matter how stupid,
whatever it is he's doing,

he just keeps on doing it,
and doing it, and doing it, and doing it, and--

Actually,
on second thought-- Yeah, it's gonna be good.

I'm glad you two could,
uh, see it my way. No!

Oh, no.
[ Groans ]

I can't do this.
Then don't do it, Joe.

As many times as
I thought about squashing the little dude,

those are just fantasies,
mere pipe dreams, idle reveries.

It's not like something--
Whoa. [ Matthew ] Hey.

Sorry about that.

Didn't see you
standing there, little man.

I want you to listen
to a phone call I had with Lisa last night.

Bill, you didn't--
you didn't tape-record a phone conversation with Lisa.

Oh, relax, Dave.
She didn't know I was taping the call.

She had no idea!
Just listen.

[ Bill ]
So where were we?

[ Lisa ] What do you mean,
"Where were we?" You just called me.

[ Bill ] Right.
I was referring to that... thing we were talking about.

[ Lisa ]
What thing? I picked up the phone, I said, "hello."

You said, "It's Bill."
I said, "Hi, Bill." And you said, "Where were we?"

Let me just fast-forward.
You sure? That's pretty damning stuff.

[ Tape Fast-forwarding ]

[ Bill ]
Is it that you don't trust me?

[ Lisa ]
If you'll just tell me why you're calling.

Uh, Lisa, I believe you
were the one who called me.

Bill, you are fully dressed
right now, aren't you?

Yes.
[ Lisa ] Good-bye.

You were, weren't you?

- Were what?
- Fully dressed?

Are you challenging
my constitutional right to make nude phone calls?

Hi.
Hey.

So, uh, has Walt invited you
to the spring formal yet?

You know, I think you could
let me have a little fun with this, Dave. It's only a crush.

Oh, I know.
I think it's sweet. It is.

Has he given you
any more presents?

Yes.
Uh-huh?

- He gave me a CD this morning.
- Oh, a CD. What?

Richie Havens.

[ Chuckles ]
Richie Havens? Yes.

He said he read somewhere that
protest music was very important to people of my generation.

And that doesn't make you
feel... really old? No.

No, it just makes me feel
like he's... young. Uh-huh.

And maybe not that bright.
Which is what makes it so cute.

Yeah.

[ Light, Rapid Knocking ]
Come in, Matthew.

Yeah, hi, Dave.
[ Clears Throat ]

I was just looking over this
piece that you edited for me,

- and I have to say
I'm a little bit upset. - Deedle, deedle, deedle.

- I'm sorry?
- Well, what-what did you wanna talk about?

- I think you and I have to work
at least an hour and-- - [ Barking ]

- What are you saying?
- Matthew!

Yes?
Get to the point, all right?

- Well, the point is, is that--
- [ Meowing ]

No, I-I-- Actually,
maybe we should just talk about this later.

All right. I'm right here
when you need me. All right.

- What was that?
- Well, I have found from experience...

that sometimes the only way
to get rid of Matthew is to act completely insane.

Does that work?

- Well, I--
- [ Light, Rapid Knocking ]

[ Howls ]

Matthew, you sure you wanna go
through with this tonight?

I think the question is,
are you sure you wanna go through with this tonight?

No, I'm not. As a matter
of fact, I'm scared to death about what I might do to you.

Well, how do you think
I feel, Joseph?

You think it's gonna make me
happy to humiliate you in front of everybody?

You think it's gonna make me
happy to hear you scream, "Stop it! Oh, my God! Stop."

"For the love of Pete,
stop, stop, stop. I give up. You win."

All right, dude.
Well, whatever happens tonight,

I just want you to know
that I love you.

Oh, yeah, that's sweet.
But no sex before the fight. All right, little lady?

Right there.

How can you sit there
and let Joe k*ll Matthew tonight?

Joe is not going to
k*ll Matthew tonight.

Matthew's probably gonna get
in the ring, have an allergic reaction to cigar smoke...

and have a sneezing fit
until the ref calls the fight.

That's what I thought too.
But then I thought, "Hold it. What if that doesn't happen?"

Then, I thought,
"No, don't be silly. What else could happen, right?"

But no, I mean, seriously,
then I think-- What?

No,
I'll just be a minute.

- Who are you talking to?
- You.

And then you thought?
Um, I was just-- I was saying that I thought it was weird.

I mean, I had
a lot of thoughts. No, no, no. The blue one.

Definitely the blue one.

- Feeling okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine.

I just have a lot of work to do,
so if you could-- Yes, I suppose the red one is nice too.

What's your point?
Um, uh, I think I'll just--

Maybe I'll come back later
when it's better for you. Okay.

What the hell was that?
What was what?

Oh, man, I thought Matthew was
the only one in this office who had imaginary friends.

Oh, no.
I was just acting crazy to get Beth off my back.

And that works?
Hmm.

Sorry to interrupt, but,
Lisa, I just, I really-- Just a sec. No!

Because I said so,
that's why.

Wow.

So, anyway, like I was saying,
if I get him in a headlock, he's gonna try to kick me.

If he tries to
kick me, then--

You okay?
Yeah, I'm fine. Go on.

Well, anyway, if he kicks me,
then I'll--

[ Stammers ] Well, we can
talk about this later. Okay.

What are you--
What are you doing?

Just a little trick.

You want someone to leave you
alone, you act completely insane, and they go away.

And that works?
Seems to.

I'm surprised no one
ever tried that on me.

[ Sighs ]
Matthew, you can't go through with this,

because Joe is
gonna pulverize you.

Oh, that remains to be seen,
doesn't it?

You see,
it's all psychological.

It's all about honing in on
your opponent's weakness, and then striking.

[ Hisses ]

Where are you going?
Oh, I'm listening. I'm listening. Go.

- Okay, well, Joe's not
gonna pull any punches! - Yeah, well, me neither.

Ohh! Matthew,
this is Ultimate Fighting. Ultimate Fighting!

Two men enter.
One man leaves!

Or in this case,
one man and one half-man, half-whatever-it-is-you-are,

enter, and then
one man leaves.

Are you listening to me?

Yes. I just wish you'd have more
faith in my secret techniques.

What are you doing?

Oh, uh, yeah, this.
Um, it's a little trick I learned.

If you wanna get rid of
somebody, you act completely insane, and they go away.

Who are you trying
to get rid of? You, silly.

Incredible.

Wow, it works.

Hey, Dave.
Hey.

How we doing?
Fine. How you doing?

Yeah, good.
You're probably wondering why I'm... naked.

[ Meows ]

You know what?
Maybe we'll-we'll talk about it another time.

It's okay. He's gone now.
You can put it down. Thank you.

Yeah. I wanted to warn you.
I think Walt's gearing up to ask you out on a date.

Oh.

He already has, and I said yes.
It doesn't bother you, does it?

I think you're
getting carried away with this crush thing.

Did I get upset when that
sweet, 18-year-old intern from Accounting had a crush on you?

- Oh, that's different.
- Why?

Well, for one thing,
he was a guy.

Yeah.

And he was convinced
I was gay. Well, yeah.

You know, then he brought his
mother into work and introduced me as his boss/husband.

It was still flattering,
wasn't it?

Oh, Lord, yes.

Hey, Walt, what you doing?

Ah, a clean desk
for a clean boss.

Right.
Dave, you are not gonna believe what happened.

What?
I asked Lisa out on a date, and she said yes.

Well, that's great.
Good for you, Walt.

Good for you.
Where are you taking her?

Taking her to
the smoker tonight. [ Chuckles ]

No, no, no, Walt.

That's not a date,
you silly.

- What are you talking about?
- It's work related. We're all going.

I mean, for that matter,
you might say that I was going with Beth.

- Oh, so you're into Beth, huh?
- No.

[ Beth ] Pardon?
I mean, I love Beth on account of she's so wonderful.

[ Beth ]
Thank you. All right.

But that doesn't
make it a date. [ Beth ] Why not?

Well, because we work
together, we're friends, and it would be inappropriate.

Well, what about when you
went out with Lisa?

You guys were friends
who worked together, but, what?

That wasn't appropriate?
That was appropriate?

Hey, I'm sorry.
I guess I got a little ahead of myself.

That's all right.
Don't be embarrassed. We all make mistakes now and again.

Thanks for
straightening me out. No harm done.

So, if that's your definition
of appropriate, excuse me.

You're the one who
set the precedent, so I--

- You sitting down?
- No.

Good, because here it comes.

I think Walt is planning on
asking Lisa out on a date.

You better have some audiotape
to back that up, or I'm gonna have to ask you to leave!

Well, guess what.

[ Lisa ]
Bill, if you wanna talk to me, just talk to me.

[ Bill ]
I just prefer the telephone. It's more intimate.

[ Lisa ]
Going downstairs to a pay phone on the street is more intimate?

[ Vehicle Passes, Honks Horn ]
[ Bill ] What? I'm sorry. There was a truck.

[ Lisa ]
Bill, I'm about to hang up.

[ Bill ]
Okay, I understand we have to speak in code.

So how's this?
[ Clicking ]

If you, Lisa Miller, are
having an affair with Walt, say "Good-bye, Bill."

[ Sped-up Gibberish ]

[ Lisa ]
Bye, Bill. [ Clicks Off ]

Give me that tape.

- [ Thuds ]
- Bill, I hope you're not the sort of person...

who'd go down to the loading
dock later and rummage through the trash to retrieve that tape.

Hey, how do you think
I got Lisa's home number in the first place?

[ Chattering ]

My point is, is that you say
this is not a date, and yet you asked me to come with you.

No, I didn't ask you
to come here with me.

You overheard me saying,
hypothetically, that it was like I was coming with you.

Big diff.
It doesn't matter how I heard it.

You cannot take me on a date
and claim it's not a date. I'm not that kind of girl.

All right.
It's a date. Oh, okay. Excellent!

Okay, what did
you bring me?

What? What do you mean,
what did I bring you?

When guys take me out
on dates, they usually bring me a little something.

Like what? Money?

You know, just because
we're on a date...

does not mean you
have the right to speak to me like that.

All right, all right,
all right.

Okay, here you go.

An authentic subway token.

Oh, that is so sweet.
Aww.

Have I told you that you've
got the most beautiful eyes that I've ever seen?

Nah, that's probably
'cause I'm always wearing these damn glasses.

Matthew, where are you, son?
You ready to rumble?

I'm right here,
ready as I'll ever be.

Now, you sure
that eating three hot-fudge sundaes...

gonna be good
before the big fight? I'm trying to bulk up.

All right.

Mr. James, please
don't make me do this.

Well, sounds like
somebody's a little bit chick-chick-chicken!

I don't wanna hurt him.
Maybe, uh-- Maybe Matthew will surprise you, Joe.

Yeah, but maybe
I'll k*ll him.

Yeah, so many maybes.
That's, uh-- That's what makes it exciting, Joe.

Say, Joseph, uh,
can I interest you in a little side wager?

Dude, don't do this
to yourself.

I got a million dollars that--
You don't have a million dollars.

I got $1,000 that says--
You don't have $1,000.

A hundred dollars says--
You don't have $100.

Ten bucks says I can make you
tap out within 45 seconds.

Let me see the 10 bucks.

Can I borrow
10 bucks, Mr.-- No.

[ Imitates Chicken ]
[ Bell Rings ]

[ Man ]
Ladies and gentlemen--

Don't cry, Bill.
we come now to our main event.

No, I do love
sharing with you. The Ultimate Men's Club--

Fighting Championship!
The problem is, I have no idea what you're talking about.

And the fight is about
to start. Hello?

I'll call you later.

[ Bell Rings ]
[ Referee ] No biting.

No eye-poking.

Beyond that,
anything goes.

Fight's not over till
one man taps out, okay? Yeah.

For what I'm about to do
to you, please, forgive me. Say good night, sweet prince.

Fight!

[ Kissing Noises ]

[ Groans ]

Well, looks like somebody
fell into my little trap.

Just tap out.

I was just about to say
the same thing to you, Joe.

All right, dude. That's it.
Yeah, it is it. Tickle, tickle, tickle.

No! No! No!
No! No tickling!

Anything goes!
Anything goes! Sorry.

Maybe they should call it
Ultimate Tickling. Stop it!

Tickle, tickle, tickle!
Who's got the tickles? I do!

Say it!
Who's got the tickles? I've got the tickles!

Now, tap out!
Good boy! [ Bell Rings ]

[ Crowd Cheering ]

[ TV: Chattering ]
[ Phone Rings ]

Hello?

It's me.
Oh. Hi, Lisa.

Hi. Uh, I was just calling
to make sure...

you didn't get
the wrong idea about me leaving with Walt.

Oh, well,
don't worry about that.

Okay. I just didn't want you
to think anything happened.

Oh, well--
Did anything happen?

Uh, well,
he kissed me good night. Oh.

I mean, I hope that
doesn't upset you. Oh, no. I mean, why would--

I mean, you know, Beth
insisted on giving me a kiss good night.

Yeah, well, so we said
good night and then he, uh, tried to kiss me again,

and I said, "Walt, maybe
we should just, you know, slow things down."

Yeah, and then?
And then he went home.

Really? Well--
Does that surprise you?

Well, yeah, it does.
It does a little, to be honest with you.

I mean, if-if I was you,
I might have just said, "What the hell?"

Well, I'm not you.
Well, thank God for that, huh?

[ Line Clicks ]
Oh, I'm getting my call-waiting here.

Okay. Bye.
Okay. Okay, good night, Lisa.

[ Beeps ]
Yeah. Hello?

Did you see that?
Walt left with Lisa at the end of the night!

Bill, he was just trying
to make sure that Lisa got home okay, all right?

Oh, really?
Yes, really.

Listen to this.
Oh!

[ Man ] Hello?
[ Bill ] Lisa, it's me.

[ Man ]
I'm sorry. There's no Lisa here.

[ Bill ]
Then I'll make this brief, Lisa.

If Walt is there in bed
with you, just tell me I have a wrong number.

[ Man ]
I think you've got the wrong number, pal.

Wow.
You know what, Bill?

I'm really pretty tired,
and I'd just like to get some sleep now, okay?

All right. You get some rest,
pal, and put this whole sordid affair out of your mind.

I'm on top of it.
Thanks. Good night.

Good night.

Bill, I thought you said you
were just gonna use the bathroom and then go home.

No dice. You shouldn't be
left alone tonight.

Oh, Lord.

Sure you wouldn't be more
comfortable on the couch?