07x18 - One Flew Over the Cooper's Nest

[bunniefuu]

Mmm. I do not know

what Chappel's putting
in this tuna lately

but it actually has, uh...
what's the word I'm looking for?

Um, taste.

Oh, my god!

Don't eat that.

Where were you yesterday

when I had the
sloppy Joes?

Uh, I-I don't know how
to tell you guys this

but, um, I just got a fax
from the Board of Health

and it seems that there
may be a teensy little problem

with my last shipment of tuna.

How teensy?

Well, there's a
remote possibility

that a few cans might
have been contaminated

with an itty-bitty
parasitic bacteria.

How remote?

Uh, oh, you know,
one in three.

Oh, this is awful.

What are we
supposed to do now?

Oh, don't worry.

It's just that in
the next 72 hours

you might experience
some minor symptoms.

How minor?

Oh, gosh, like, uh...

itching, swelling,
a rash, cramps

vision loss, paralysis,
cardiac... blah-blah-blah.

My God, we're all
going to die!

No, we're not going to die.

Stop overreacting.

I can't believe
the doctor said

there's nothing
we can do

but just sit around and wait
for some horrible symptoms.

It's driving me crazy.

Relax, Cochran, relax.

We are going to be fine.

Oh! The rash! I have the rash!

Let me see.

Oh, you put your hand
in the grape jelly.

Oh.

Oh, Antonio,
how are you doing?

Terrible.

My hair is falling out.

That wasn't
one of the symptoms.

I know, but it still stinks.

Now, I'll be a bald
man with a parasite.

Ooh. I'll have to b*at
the women off with a stick.

Hey, what are
you guys up to?

Nothing much.

Just sitting here
waiting to die.

Maybe later, take in a movie.

Well, you guys can roll over,
but not me.

I'm going to b*at this thing.

I'm flushing out my system
by drinking a glass of water

every six minutes.

My goodness, how many
glasses a day is that?

A lot. Excuse me.

Guys, I feel terrible
about what happened

so whatever you
want to order

it's on the house.

Helen...

I'm in big trouble.

Oh, you didn't have the
blueberry muffins, did you?

'Cause they're
not tuna-free.

No, I...

I just saw that psycho,
Sandy Cooper,

out on the tarmac.

She has come back
to stalk me.

Oh, here we go again.

When are you going to
get it through your head

that Sandy is not
obsessed with you?
Oh, really?

Really?
No.

Well, then how come every time
she comes back to the island

she finds a way
to get me alone

and all these
weird things happen?

I'm telling you,
the only reason
she is back here

is because she is
madly in love with me.

Hi, handsome.

See? Here it comes.

What did I tell you?

You better march
right over there

and claim your woman.

Hey, Sandy.
Hi, Helen.

Good to see you.

Hi, Joe.
Good to see you guys.

What the hell
is going on here?

Actually, I ran into Brian
a couple weeks ago in Boston

when I was guest lecturing
at Harvard

and we had dinner.

One thing
led to another...
Brian.

Can I see you
in my office?

I'm kind of busy
at the moment.

It's kind of important.
Can't it wait?

Whoa! Guess
that's a big no.

What are you doing?

This is a joke, right?

Tell me you are
not dating Sandy.

Listen, listen,
I know you had issues

with Sandy in the past.

That's why I didn't want
to tell you anything

'cause I thought maybe
you'd get weird on me.

I am not weird.

She's weird.

She is the
weirdo, not me.

Yes, I see that now.

Brian, you cannot
be dating Sandy.

This is a big mistake.

(sighs)
Yeah. Yeah, you're right.

I mean, she's attractive,
funny, successful...

I should just dump her and get
back together with Gilda,

the woman who stole my CDs
by hiding them in her wiglet!

Hello?

Hello? Don't you see
what's going on here?

She is only going out
with you to get to me.

Oh, boy, you know, if we
knock out a couple of walls

and raise the ceiling
a little bit

then we might have
just enough room

for your ego in here.

This has nothing
to do with my ego.

This has to do
with the fact

that Sandy finds
me so handsome

and utterly
irresistible

that she will
stop at nothing

to get the object
of her desire.

I mean, get real.

(phone ringing)

Hello?

It's for you.
Who is it?

Macy's. They want
to use your head

in next year's parade.

So, I had just finished this
passionate lecture on ethics

and I was halfway across
the Harvard Commons

when I realized I'd accidentally
swiped somebody's cell phone...

What'd you do?

I made some
long-distance calls
and pawned it.

That reminds me.

Is there a phone I can use?

Yeah, it's in the kitchen.

Okay.
But don't
try anything

'cause it's bolted
to the wall.

So, Helen, what's
for dessert?

Whatever you brought

'cause dessert
was your assignment.

Oh. Uh, well, uh,
I'm got a, uh...

half-eaten bar of halvah...

which probably isn't...

I got to go get
some ice cream.

Hey, Joe, thanks
for being so nice

to Sandy at dinner.

I'm so glad you're not
obsessing about her anymore.

Okay, here's the plan.

I figured out a way
we can trap her.

Oh, no! And you were
acting so normal.

No, that was
just a cover.

No. That woman wants me.

And I can prove it.

Now, when Sandy
comes back out here

I'll pretend we're alone

and then she'll
make her move for me

and you'll be hiding
right in that doorway

watching the whole thing.

(gasps)
I know.

I'll put one of those
little spy cameras in my bra.

Smile.

Don't patronize me.

I don't have a spy camera.

This is the best I could do.

Now, you see anything
weird, you take

a picture of it.

Quick, here she comes.

Quick, hide, hide,
hide, hide, quick.
This is stupid.

Where are Brian and Helen?

Oh, uh, they went out
for ice cream.

They won't be back for awhile,
so, uh, we're all alone.

Great, because
ever since I got here

there's something
I wanted to say to you.

There is?

Well, I'm all ears.

Joe, I know
you have a problem with me,

although I'm not really sure why

but I really appreciate your
not letting it get in the way

of my relationship with Brian.

And...?

And that about covers it.

N-no, no, it doesn't,
no, it doesn't.

Why don't we just sit
down here, and, uh...

Well, I don't know
if you realize this

but we're coming up on
our one-year anniversary.

Our anniversary?

Yeah, sure. Don't
you remember?

Last year when you surprised
me in Helen's living room

and staged our wedding,
and then we pretended

to go on our honeymoon
to Paris and Hawaii?

Mele Kalikemaka.

Joe, why did you just wish me
merry Christmas in Hawaiian?

Uh, because
you're my wife

and I didn't get
a chance to last...

Kalikemaka.

Joe, this isn't funny.

Oh, come on, Sandy.

We're here alone.

Is that any
way to talk

to your little
Joey bear?

Joey what?

Joey bear. Come
on, Joey bear.

You know, you like
to call me Joey bear.

Joe, stop it.

I know. Let's dance.

Like when you locked
me in your basement

and pretended I
was your prom date.

Come on, everybody
do the hustle.

Joe, you're scaring me.

You're scaring me, too.

Go back, Helen,
you're blowing it.

I forgot my wallet.

Sandy, Sandy,
come on, tell him.

Tell him how you love me.

Tell him how you need me.

Tell him how you want me.

HELEN:
Joe, why don't you

go upstairs
and lie down?

N-no, no. No.

I-I'm telling you

the only reason
she came back here

is to get me.

She wants me.

Me! Me!

Me!

W-Why... why are you
looking at me that way?

(laughs)

Oh, I get it.

You think I'm nuts.

Well, I am not nuts.

Oh, no, not me.

Well, that's a relief.

Thank you for seeing us,
Dr. Grayson,

and congratulations

on taking over
your father's practice.

He finally retired, huh?

Well, if you call
leaving my mother

and running off with one of
his patients "retiring,"

then yes,
he finally did that

But we're here
to talk about Joe.

So, Joe,

what seems to be your problem?

Hmm.

Look, there is
a perfectly simple

rational explanation
for all of this.

There's a crazy woman
who is obsessed with me.

Two years ago at my senior prom
in her basement,

I'm wearing a powder blue tuxedo
and doing the hustle.

I mean, what is that?

But that is nothing
compared to my wedding

in Helen's living room last year
and the honeymoon--

two minutes, two countries,
a nightmare.

But she only does it
when no one else is around

so no one else believes me

so you see,
I don't have a problem.

She does.
Thank you and good-bye.

Your father was
institutionalized, wasn't he?

Yeah? So?

My father was quirky.

Quirky? There was a month

where he thought
he was a waffle.

We poured syrup on him,
he calmed right down.

Joe, Helen mentioned
on the phone

that you've been under
a lot of stress lately

what with your house
burning down and all...

Yeah? So?

Well, we know your father
dealt with stress

by retreating
into a fantasy world.

Isn't there a chance you could
be doing the same thing?

No. No!
I am nothing like my father!

I am not a waffle.

Is it possible
that things didn't happen

the way you remember them?

No, no. Everything happened
exactly that way.

Exactly? Are you sure?

I'm pretty sure.

Pretty sure.

I'm kind of sure.

Kind of sure, Joe?

Well, um...

I thought I was,
but now I don't know.

Um...

I'm confused.

Nothing makes any sense.

I need to sit down.

You are sitting down.

Attention, Sandpiper passengers,

Flight Three to Boston

will be departing
in five minutes.

Departing.

Now, that's an interesting word,
isn't it?

You know,
not many people

know this about me

but I'm a deeply
religious woman.

I wasn't yesterday

but then again, yesterday
I wasn't a walking time b*mb.

Now let us pray.

Quitter!

(chuckling):
Well, I'm not
going anywhere.

Excuse me.

Hey, Roy.

Well, in case
we, uh...

well, don't make it.

There's something
I need to get off my chest.

What is it?

You remember
a couple of years ago

when you said you left
your umbrella in my cab

and I said I couldn't find it?

It's been keeping me dry
for two years.

That's okay, Scarpacci.

In fact, I got something
I want to get off my chest, too.

Do you remember
when you dinged my El Camino

and you gave me 500 bucks
to repair it?

Yeah.

Well, the insurance
covered it.

And the ding
was already there.

Really?

Well, that makes it easier
for me to tell you this.

Do you remember
a couple of years ago

at the club car

I told you I liked this girl

and then the minute
my back was turned

you hit on her?

(chortles)

Yeah, I remember.

Well, I got sort of upset

and I made a call to the I.R.S.

and that's why you've
been paying back taxes

for the last five years.

You're kidding?

Well, that's kind of funny...

'cause I made a,
I made a call, too.

Do you remember
when you made that cr*ck

about me needing Greenpeace
to come in and clean up my hair?

Sure.

Well, that kind of bugged me,
so, uh...

I called the immigration people
and I ratted you out

and that's
when you almost got deported.

Oh, yeah?

I overfed your fish.

I slashed your tires.

I firebombed
your garage.

I put the snake
in your mailbox!

You're a great friend.

Oh, buddy, I'll miss you.

Hey, Helen,
how's Joey feeling?

Any better?

Well, the medication
that Dr. Grayson gave him

seems to be helping.

He seems much better.

HELEN:
Hi, Joe.

Hi, Joey.

How ya doing?

Fine. Okay.

Pretty good, I guess.

I don't know.

Well, all right!

I may have to teach you
the business.

Joe, would you
like some lunch?

Okay.

Here you go.

I'll have a B.L.T.
Mmm.

No. Wait.

I should have a hamburger,
shouldn't I?

No!

I'll have eggs.

I like eggs.

Don't I?

(crying):
Yes, you do.

Good. Then I'll have eggs.

Wait. I can't
have lunch.

I got to take a flight.

Wait! Hey, Joe, wait.

Here's a thought--
I'll tell you what.

Why don't I
take your flight

and that way you can
just go into the office

and take
a nice long nap.

I like naps.

And when you wake up,

it'll be time for
your appointment
with Dr. Grayson.

I like him, too.
He's nice.

Joe, you're
doing good.

Yeah, we're proud
of you, Joe, proud.

Someone pour syrup on him.

Poor bastard's a waffle.

Dr. Grayson,
I'm here for my appointment.

Sandy?!

We need counseling, Joey bear.

Our marriage is in big trouble.

Honey, I'm so glad you came.

It means you care
about our marriage

just as much as I do.

Sandy. Oh, my God.

I'm hallucinating.

I got to do that exercise
that Dr. Grayson told me to do

whenever I get confused.

She's not really here,
she's not really here.

She's not really...

I will not be ignored!

Oh, she is so here.

That's right.

Wait a minute,
wait a minute.

If you're here, that means
I'm not imagining this.

That means I didn't imagine
any of this,

and that means that
I'm not crazy-- you are!

Just the kind of talk
that's ruining our marriage...

Good, good, you remember

to act just that nutty
when the doctor gets here,

which should be any minute.

What are you
talking about?

The doctor's already here!

This is Dr. Rosenbear.

Really? Is he, uh,
Freudian or Paddington?

Do you see what I have
to put up with, Sidney?

(German accent):
Well, clearly, you both push
each other's buttons.

Joe, what do you think?

No. Sandy,
I am not talking to...

(normal voice):
Talk to the doctor!

I'm paying for
these sessions!

They're coming
out of my salary!

Clearly, you
don't make enough.

Oh, doctor, did that
sound castrating?

(German accent):
I don't know.

Let's ask Joe.

No, I don't think
she's castrating.

I think she's
a freakin' psycho.

Now, now, we're all here
for the same reason:

to save this marriage.

Yeah, that-that's right.

And we should stay here
and work on it

till Dr. Grayson comes
and locks you in his padded van.

I'd like you to try
an exercise from my book.

(normal voice):
Oh, "the trust game!"

Great idea!

I'm not playing any game.

You just stand behind me...

I'm not doing this...

And then I fall backwards,
and you catch me.

Okay, I'll give it a sh*t.

Ready?

Come to papa.

(German accent):
Ooh, that's got to hurt.

I think we still have
some anger to work through.

Let's try the foam bats.

Oh, boy.
Yeah, now we're talking.

You stupid

lousy jerk!

I hate you, hate
you, hate you!

That's better.

Hey! Hey, wait!

I still have anger.

(German accent):
I think I have the solution

to your marital problems:

Have a baby.

(normal voice):
Oh, Joey, he's right!

And hurry.

I'm ovulating.

No! Dr. Grayson!

Oh, Joey bear,
that was magic.

Honey, I have some
wonderful news.

We're pregnant.

Oh... oh, Sandy.

This is a whole
new level of...

(blubbering)

Oh!

Oh! Oh!

I'm in labor!

Thank God
we took Lamaze classes.

(exhaling rhythmically)

You did this to me!

Joe! Joe! The pain!

I need dr*gs!

We're way past dr*gs, baby.
We're talking voltage.

Oh!

It's a little boy--

a little Joey bear,
and he looks just like you.

I don't think so.

Frankly, I think you've been
diddling Dr. Rosenbear.

(laughing)

(sobbing)

Oh, god...

I'm suffering
from postpartum depression.

You'll have to forgive me

if I start acting
a little strange.

Ha! Start?

Oh, look at the time.

Time to enroll Joey bear, Jr.
in preschool.

How else is he going
to get into Harvard,

and believe you me,
he is going to Harvard.

Go, Crimson.

Say bye-bye to Daddy.

(child's voice):
Bye-bye!

Wait. No. Sandy...

Sandy, wait!
Dr. Grayson's not here yet!

Sandy...

Joe, there you are.

Oh, Dr. Grayson,
thank God.

Did you hear all that?

Hear what?
I just got here.

There must have been a mixup.

I got a message
to meet you at your office.

Sandy-- she was here.
She was just here...

and we had marriage counseling
with a teddy bear,

and then she got pregnant

then she gave birth
right on that couch.

And that was
a teddy bear... too,

and-and...

And... you don't...
believe

any of this, and, uh...
there's no reason you should

and, uh...

(blubbering)

See ya.

Joe?

Yep. I'm back.

(gasping):
Oh, that dead, vacant
look in your eyes

is almost gone.

Man, that Dr. Grayson,
he's a miracle worker!

Let's just say that, uh...

I had a breakthrough
in his office today.

Oh, that's so good.

Are you sure you're over
this "Sandy" thing?

Completely.

Good. Well, why don't you say
good-bye to her?

She's in the office with Brian.

Great idea.

Okay, here's the plan:

What?!

You stand right over here

and you just listen to
everything and remember.

Yeah, but I got to go...

Just do it,
just do it.

Sandy, I-I...

hope things weren't
too weird for you.

Well, you know,
I adore Joe,

but I guess there's
one in every family.

Hey, Sandy.

And here's mine.

Well, listen, Sandy,
I'm late for my next flight.

When I'm in Chicago,
I'll call you, okay?
Okay.

All right.
Bye, Brian.

Bye.

Well, Sandy...

Well, Joe.

You weren't, uh, gonna
leave without saying
good-bye, were you?

Oh, I couldn't do that.
Good-bye, Joe.

Oh, uh, Sandy, isn't there

anything else
you want to say?

Yes, there is.

Take care of yourself.

JOE:
Damn!

Oh, and Joey bear?

Now that we have a child,
next year I'm bringing Mother.

Casey? Casey, did you hear that?

Casey?

No!

Guys, great news.
Come, come.

I just found out that
my shipment of tuna

was not contaminated.

We're all
in the clear.

ROY:
We are going to live.

We're gonna live.

Oh, a thing like this
really changes you.

I'm sorry about those things
that happened in the past.

You're right.
Roy, I'm sorry, too.

See you later, buddy.

Not if you hit "L"
on your computer keyboard.