07x20 - A Tale of Two Sister Cities

[bunniefuu]

Hey there, Helen.

Hey, Clete, how's it going?

Clete?

That's got to be trouble.

Come on, Roy, it's just
the water delivery guy.

Hey, I missed you
last week.

Oh, yeah, I was
at the dentist.

Oh, come on, with
that pretty smile?

( chuckles )

Yeah, you're right.

Nothing to worry about.

ROY:
Man, that guy must work out

seven times a week.

That reminds me,
I gotta take a nap.

Okay, I'll just
go get you a check.

I'll be right back.
Take your time.

I'll be here.

Hey, buddy, I'll take
those for Helen.

I'm her husband.

It's okay. I'm just waiting
to get paid.

Oh. Well, here.

This cover it?

Hmm?

Uh, yeah.

Well, just tell Helen
I'll see her next week.

You might want to call first.

Helen's really not
into water anymore.

Why don't you
hand me those bottles.

Whatever.

Joe, what are you doing
with those bottles,

and where's Clete?

( straining ):
Had to go.

Another delivery.

So, where do you want these?

Look, Clete usually puts
them in there.

Okay, no problem.

( bottles slamming
to floor )

All right, then.

Glad I could be of help.

Hey, Hackett,
come here.

Now, I'm not going to
b*at around the bush.

How would you like to get in
on the ground floor

of the hottest new investment
opportunity of the '90s?

These are words
I'm going to live to regret.

Tell me more.

Ready?
Yeah.

Rob's kabobs.

You mean shish kabobs?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Not just shish.

No, no, no.

Here, look at the brochure.

"If you skewer it,
they will come."

Well, uh, I'm sorry, Roy.

I don't mean to be
a stick in the meat,

but, uh... all my money
is tied up in falafels.

Hi.

Hey, Casey,
how's it going?

Well, I just got my
two-week notice from
the Board of Tourism.

I'm getting laid off.

Oh, that's terrible.

Getting fired has got
to be the worst thing
in the world.

You feel so rejected
worthless, stupid

and no good to anybody.

Fay, why don't you just take her
out back and sh**t her?

Yeah, I can't believe
that they're letting me go.

I gave them
such great ideas

for boosting winter tourism
on this rock, you know.

And all they did was
just reject every one.

( phone ringing )

Hello.

Yeah, one second.

Casey, it's your boss.

Oh, God,
what does he want?

Well, isn't it obvious?

He probably wants
to can you now.

Making you feel all the more
stupid and worthless...

Fay!

( clears throat )
Hello, Mr. Douglas.

You sound very handsome today.

What?

You're kidding.

Uh, yeah, okay.

Thank you.

I can't believe it.
One of my ideas came through.

Nantucket's going to have
a sister city.

Isn't that fantastic?
Huh?

Huh?

Okay, I'll take a sh*t.
What's a sister city?

Oh, um, you pick a foreign city,

and you establish economic,
cultural and tourist ties.

And now, Nantucket has
a brand-new sister,

and her name is Khirinan.

Khirinan?

Never heard of it.

Khirinan!

I know where that is.

It's just lovely, it is.

It's got beautiful...

and it's sandy...

with a... and the sky...

and boy, there's just no better
than Khiradad.

Yeah, well, I'd better
go read up on it.

You know more about it
than I do.

Okay.

Uh, listen, Joey, I'm
running a little behind.

Do me a flavor, pick up my suit
from the cleaners, will you?

I'm Casey's escort for
that sister city thing

she's throwing tomorrow night.

Yeah, I guess she

just wanted a little arm candy
to walk in there with.

Okay, over and out.

"To the pilot."

( sotto voce )
That's me.

"You are incredibly hot.

"I keep fantasizing about all
the things I want to do to you.

"Meet me after we land.

I'm sitting in back
on the right."

Okay.

"Although I'm flattered,
this is not my scene."

( woman clearing throat )

Oh.

What a difference a row makes.

Hey.
Hey.

What would you like?

Well, I see there's
a ring on your finger,

so I guess
it can't be you.

Oh, you.

Now, if you keep
that up, I'm just

going to have to give you
a whole lot of free food.

( Helen giggles,
man laughs )

Oh, man, what a night
I had last night.

I met the most...
fantastic woman.

I had the most
passionate night
of my life.

We made a connection
like you would not believe!

Really? What
was her name?
I don't know.

Just call her
passenger B-6.

You don't even
know her name?

Well, you know, we didn't
do that much talking,

if you know what I mean.

And this morning, she left
without saying good-bye.

No note, no nothing.

Just walked out the door,
didn't look back.

Oh, man,
that's class.
(scoffs)

You know what?

I really, uh... do not
miss being single at all.

I am so glad that I am in
a long-term relationship
based on love and trust.

Excuse me, I gotta
go save my marriage.

Hey, how's it going?
Good.

I see you met
Stanley.

Stanley?

She said her
name is Helen.

Well... yeah,
it's Helen now.

But, uh...

when we were on
the wrestling team,

in high school together,
it was Stanley.

He was a small boy,
but he was wiry.

You know,
I think he's got...

Oh, geez. She's...
she's, uh...

I think she's got her eye
on you. Lucky dog.

Have you decided?

You know, I don't think
I'm that hungry.

Um, I'll see you later, dude.

Hey, Helen, can I,
can I get a cup of coffee?

You sure can.

Fay!

Sentablor mecarnum, Helen.

Well, the same
to you, Fay.

It's not even
5:00 yet.
Yeah.

Sentablor mecarnum means
"good afternoon" in Khirinan.

And-and this is one of their
native costumes.

I thought it would
be a nice way

of saying "welcome"
when they arrive today.

You know, I... I don't see
why we have to invite

a bunch of foreigners here.

They take our jobs,
they date our women.

Before you know it, they're
acting like they own the joint.

Are you going
to pour that, or what?

"Ruled by Prince Restivon
and his wife Princess Fala,

"the tiny island city
of Khirinan is responsible

for a third of the world's
talcum powder."

Isn't that fascinating?

Yes. I bet there
isn't a chafed butt
in the whole place.

Okay, the prince and princess
will be coming through that gate

right over there.

So we need the councilmen here
and the press over there.

Oh, I've never been so nervous
in my entire life.

Well, try not to perspire, dear.

They're a dry people.

CASEY:
They're here!

CASEY (clearing
throat): Hello.

Welcome,
Your Highness,
to our island.

I am Casey Davenport.

And even though this is
not your country,

our goal is to treat you
like royalty.

Now, if you'll just
give us a few minutes,

our minivan needs a jump.

Well, I'm sure our visit will
be as delightful as you are.

Oh.

Thank you for
inviting us, Miss Davenport.

And where, may I ask, is
the other lovely Highness?

Well, actually, my wife
came in yesterday.

She likes to mingle
with the locals.

Ah, here
she comes now!

Joey, did you
see my...?

Oh, man! Man, Joey,
that's her.

Who?

The woman
I told you about.

The amazing, fantastic...
The princess?

Okay, so she was a little
whiny, but that doesn't make...

No, idiot,
the princess
of Khirinan.

And that's
her husband,
the prince.

Way to go.

Hey, come on, you guys,
Casey wants us over there.

Their Highnesses are receiving.

Uh, uh, uh,
maybe I shouldn't go.

I mean, I've
already received.

I don't know
what to say.

I've never met
royalty before.

Oh, don't worry, Antonio.

They're just like
you and me, only better.

Now just go over there
and be yourself.

I'm sure they'll find you
perfectly charming.

Hello. Uh...

I'm Antonio Scarpacci.

I don't know what I'd do
without talcum powder.

Uh... in my racket, you know,

I sit 12 or 13 hours a day.

Things can get
pretty rosy down there.

Okay! Let's move
the line along.

I would like to introduce you
to my sister, Helen,

and her husband, Joe.

Hello, Your Highnesses.

I'd like to offer you a great,
big, king-sized welcome.

( giggling )

Next!

Joe Hackett.

(clears throat)

Watch your back.

I would like you to
meet Brian Hackett.

I'm sorry.
I mean, I'm honored.

CASEY:
Brian...

it's customary
to kiss the
hand of...

Yeah, I know.
I-I-I...

Believe me-- last time.

Well, if you will
just follow me.

PRINCESS FALA:
Miss Davenport, I wonder
if you could assist me.

Our two little princesses
wish to visit the salon

before the ceremony
tonight.

Would it be possible
to procure them a driver?

Oh. Antonio, the princess
would like someone

to drive her little girls
to the beauty parlor.

It would be a privilege

to have Khirinan royalty
in my cab.

And I wouldn't dream
of accepting a penny for it.

Excellent.

Jaffra,
bring in the girls!

Your Majesty, I am your
most humble servant.

Dogs?

You-you-you want me
to drive dogs?

Is there a problem?

No. No. No.
They're lovely. Lovely.

Come, girls.

( growling )

Right back at you.

We're all so looking forward
to tonight.

I promise, it's going to be
a really great affair.

I can't wait.

There is nothing I enjoy more

than a really great... affair.

I'll see you all tonight.

Good-bye, Princess.

See you later.

Well, so far, so good.

I mean, I think
it's going to work.

I'm going to save my job.

All right, great.
Listen, about...

Khirinan is so fascinating.

Listen to this.

"The national color is purple."

"The official flower
is the tuberose."

Yeah, yeah, Fay.

"The penalty for adultery

is cutting off
the man's... pension."

Wait. Uh, uh, not-not pension.

I really do need my glasses.

Uh... oh, yes.

Well, that makes
a lot more sense.

Okay, what is so important?

I'm not going to the party.

What? You're my escort.

Give me one good reason
why you can't go.

I slept with the princess.

You'd better be talking
about one of those dogs.

Well, there was
some barking involved.

You just hate my
guts, don't you?

You must have sat
there and thought,

"What is the worst thing
that I can do to Casey?

I know! I'll sleep
with her sister city."

D-Ohh!

Well, you people
sure are note-happy.

"Her Highness, Princess Fala,
requests you to sit beside her

at tonight's
festivities."

Well, I'm sorry, please
inform the princess

that I will not
be able to make it.

Put on your dancing shoes,

we're a-partying tonight!

There she is.

BRIAN:
Oh, I'm in trouble.

See how low-cut
that dress is?

You can see
her karagnas.

All right, so I picked up
a couple of words last night.

Two of them were karagnas.

Casey, I need to
talk to you now.

Antonio.
Now!

Look, don't move.
Don't talk to anyone.

Don't do anything stupid.

You're really tying
my hands here.

It's about the
little princesses.

The dogs?
What about them?
They're not dogs.

They're furry,
yapping piranhas.

Look what they did to me.

Antonio, where are they?

I was driving them
to the groomer

when they decided
to use my backseat

as their royal potty.

So I stopped the car
and I told them

to get the hell out.
Oh!

Are you insane?!

Too soon to say. The rabies
test hasn't come back yet.

Look, if I can hang on
just a few more minutes,

the sister city thing
will be official, okay?

You find those dogs and bring
them back, you understand me?

Fine. Fine, fine.

Look, there're still
a few spots in my cab

they haven't fouled.

Say, Casey,
psst, psst!

Princess at 6:00.

What am I going to do?

Okay, you just
stick with me.

Everything will be fine.

All right, yeah,
I can get through this.

I've got will power,
I've got self-control.

Hello, Brian.

May I have a word
with you in private?

Absolutely.
Upstairs okay?
Perfect.

Uh, Princess...
Princess, um...
( clearing throat )

It's not that I
don't understand

your taste for
our local fare,

but there are some--

how can I say
this?-- dishes

that are best
tasted only once,
much like mango.

The first time that
you eat it, you think,

"Wow, this is the
most wonderful thing
I've ever had,

and the second time,
it's dull and stupid,

and you don't know what
you ever saw in it.

Well, then, you are not
preparing it correctly.

You have to handle it
very carefully

in order to bring out
the natural juices.

( soft whining )

Believe me, when I serve mango,
everyone begs for more.

So, who wants mango?

I could go for some fruit.

Uh... Princess,
I-I think the prince
is looking for you.

Go! Run!

No, he's just talking
to that awful kebab man.

Oh, my God!

If you'll just excuse me
for a moment.

And in the kebab game,
you got your fast turnover.

You got your low overhead,

and you have got one hell
of a takeout business,

'cause remember, goat travels.

Your Highness,
the city council

is waiting
to speak with you.

Oh, thank you.

Ooglop shmetz.

Why did you do that?

Stay away from
the prince, Roy.

I don't want anything
getting in the way

of the key
to the cities.

You...

Oh.

Oh, hello.
It's Jaffra, isn't it?

The little princesses...

they have returned?

Uh...

no, but...

Roy's here.

You, uh...

you look like a
pretty shrewd businessman,

and I'm going to do you
a big favor... Ow! Ohh!

Your Highness?

I just had an idea.

What if we exchange the
keys to the cities now

and make it official?

Very well, but we cannot
proceed without my wife.

Where is the princess?

Uh, well, last time
I saw her, she was over...

there! And now she's not.

So if you will just
excuse me for a moment...

There you are!
Where have you been?

Don't ask. I don't know
what's wrong with Joe.

We drove up, the valet tried
to help me out of the car,

and Joe screams,
"Hey, buddy, ain't you
getting enough at home?!"

and just sped off.

Listen, I really
need your help.

Just a second.

I'm going to try
the national cocktail.

Hmm.

Well, it's kind of
goopy, isn't it?

You don't have time
to drink that.

I am in a lot of trouble.

The princess
is all over Brian,

and if the prince finds out,
I'm finished!

Well, what do you
want me to do?

Well, distract him--

dance with him, talk to him,
flirt with him.

Just make sure that
he doesn't see them.

Oh, forget it. I'm not
going to do that.

Fine. Then I'll
just lose my job

and live off you for
the rest of my life.

Yo, Prince! Come to mama.

Hello there, stranger.

Hi. Hi, hi.

Well... uh, bye.

No, I want to dance.

Oh, I don't think
that's such a good idea.

Your husband is
on the dance floor,

and there's people
all around, you know.

( whispering )
( sighs )
Ah...

Okay, okay.

Excuse me.

Coming through.

Dead man walking.

( slow jazz playing )

Antonio!

What are those?

The best I could do.
Oh.

The royal rodents
are gone, baby.

Long live Princesses...
Zelda and Lightning.

See ya.

What is going on?

Those aren't
the royal dogs.

Uh, well, on Nantucket,

we take your dogs, and
we give you our dogs.

It's called the...
traditional...

Nantucket dog trade.

( slow jazz playing )

Hey, Casey,

this seems like
a really nice party.

JOE:
What the hell is
going on over there?

What is the prince
doing with his head

buried in
Helen's karagnas?

No! Joe!

Just let me give
him the key!

Okay, pal,
time to cool off.

( screams )

Joe... Joe, what
are you doing?

What am I...
what am I doing?

Let's ask the prince what the
hell he's doing with my wife.

Why don't we ask him
what he's doing
with my wife?

You know what? I think
this is the perfect time

for the key exchange.

What do you think? Huh?

Huh?! Huh?!

CASEY:
Yes, is this the Tourism Board
of New Delhi?

Good news. We're interested
in being your sister city.

Uh-huh. Well, if you could just
have somebody return my call,

my office number
is 508-555-0174.

Just ask for Casey Davenport.

All righty, Helen!

Catch you next Monday!