07x24 - The Lyin' King

[bunniefuu]

Good morning, Antonio.

Morning, Fay.

You seem in
a good mood today.

What are you
writing?

The eulogy
for my funeral.

When is that?

'Cause I got something
on Sunday.

Very nice, Roy.

Fay, I got plans, too,

but if you're dying, I'll
be there with bells on.

No, no, no.

See, I read in this magazine

that the best way to live
a fulfilling life

is to envision

what you want people
to say about you

at your funeral

and then, to strive
to live that way.

Now here's what
I have so far:

"Never thinking a moment
of herself,

"she dedicated her entire life
to acts of kindness and charity

in the service of all mankind."

Wow.

I'd like to hear
someone deliver that

with a straight face.

No. It's a goal, Antonio.

That's how I'd like
to be remembered.

Well, the fact is, I don't do
a lot of charity work,

but I intend to be
a lot more giving from now on.

Sounds like an
interesting article.

Can I see this magazine?

Oh, yes, you can.

In fact, keep it.

Why, thank you, Fay.

See? You're already
more charitable.

(chuckling):
Yes.

Why is this addressed
to Mrs. R. Fimmel?

Oh, that's my neighbor.

I swiped it off
the old bat's porch.

Oh, Roy?

Mm.

Would you care to donate

to the Golden Crest
Seniors Home

to get a minivan
for the old folks?

Cochran, let me tell you
a little story.

In 1971, I broke down
and gave four bucks

to the Salvation Army.

Hey, I'm not looking
for a pat on the back.

Within two weeks

I was getting junk mail

from every loser crybaby
who ever had a hangnail.

So forget it.

All you had to do
was say no.

"No" is not good enough.

I want to make sure
you'll never ask again.

Fay, Fay, you
really inspired me.

Now I've been
writing my eulogy.

Listen to this.

"The nation was
saddened today

"by the loss of
billionaire industrialist

Antonio Scarpacci..."

"...inventor of the
massage-o-matic

"Oh, Baby" vibrating
cab seat.

Survived by his wife,
Claudia Schiffer Scarpacci..."

Antonio, I don't think
you understand

how this eulogy thing works.

The idea is to make you
a better person.

Hey, if I'm married
to Claudia Schiffer

and sitting in
a vibrating seat

I am a better person.

Joe, quick:
Name the sexiest girl

in the history
of Sconset High.

JOE:
No brainer-- Tracy Hayes.

Think she still
looks good?
Nah. You kidding?

Girls that look like
that in high school

always wind up weighing

300 pounds...

Oh, mommy!

BRIAN:
Oh! She saw us.

Oh! She's coming
over here.

What are we going to do?
What are we going to do?

Let go of my arm.
You're hurting me.

Can't. Can't.
Stop. Stop.

Oh!

Hey, guys, remember me,
Tracy Hayes?

Oh, yeah, Tracy. Hey.

Hey.

How's it going?

Good. What have you guys
been doing with yourselves?

Pilots.
Own the airline.

Wow. I'm impressed.

But, you know,
I'm not surprised.
You're not?

No. It's always the dorks
who make it.

Hey, guys, come on.
I'm just teasing you.

Yeah! Like we
didn't know that.

So, uh...
Tracy, right?

Yeah.
Uh, what have
you been up to?

Well, for the last few years,
I've been working as a dancer

up in Boston, you know,
to pay the bills.

But it's always been my
dream to go to law school.

I finally saved up enough money.

I start next week.

Oh, that's great.

A dancer, huh?

Well, actually,
tonight's my last night.

Hey, if you guys get a chance,

you should come by
and see the show.

Uh, maybe.

Yeah, maybe.

Well, I have to catch a flight.

It's really great
seeing you guys again.

Catch you later.

Later.

She talked to us.
She talked to us.

She talked to us.
She talked to us.

I don't know what
this dance thing is,

but whatever it is,
I'm going to see it.

I don't know. I mean,
even for Tracy Hayes,

I don't feel like
flying all the way
up to Boston

to see some boring
dance recital.

What? What is it?

Ta...

Can I see you
in the office for a minute?

What is it?

"Club Shangri-la.

"Exotic dancing.

All nude, all the time."

Oh, my God!

Tracy Hayes has invited us
to see her dance nude.

All nude.

All the time.

This is like

a dream I had in high school

except I'm not waking up
in a full sweat

tangled in my
Star Wars sheets.

So, what do you say
we leave in an hour, huh?

What are you talking about?
I can't go.

Why not can't you go?

Because married I am.

Oh...

I pity you.

The woman I marry

is gonna be the kind of woman

that's gonna want me to see
other women naked.

Well, unfortunately,
I couldn't find
a woman like that.

I had to settle
for an earthling!

So what are you telling me?

Are you telling me
that you're not going to go?

I don't know-- what am
I gonna say to Helen,

"Hi, honey, remember
Tracy Hayes?

I'm going to go see
her dance nude"?

All nude.
All the time.

No, it'll never work.

You got to lie.
I can't lie.

Then you can't go.

All nude?
All the time.

I got to go.
You got to lie.

I can't lie!

When Helen and
I got married

we vowed we would never
lie to each other.

Well, you should be
ashamed of yourself.

This little gal
is stripping her way

to a better life,

and the least we could do
is give her our support.

Look, the only way
that I could go

is if I told Helen
the truth,

but I don't know
how to do that.

I wouldn't even
know where to start.
All right.

Oh! Okay.
I know what,
I know what.

Try it out on me.

I'll be Helen.

All right?

Now, what do you say?

Okay.

Honey, there's an event
I'd like to go to tonight.

Oh, you mean, like
a cultural event?

Kind of.

You see, Brian and I have been
invited to Boston to, uh...

well...

you remember Tracy Hayes
from high school?

Tracy Hayes, Tracy Hayes.

Yeah, I remember.
Tall girl. Very pretty.

You think so?

She never really did
anything for me.

Anyway, see, she's
trying to go to law school,

and to earn the money
to do that, she's, uh...

How do I put this?

Joe, it's me,
your wife.

Come on, you can
tell me anything.

Just come right out
with it.

Okay.

Tracy Hayes is dancing nude
at a strip club,

and tonight's my last chance
to see her.

Really?

That's it?

Yeah, that's it.

(weepy):
When did you
stop loving me?

I, I never
stopped loving you...

Oh! Let me tell
you something:

I will never give you
a divorce, mister!

I'll k*ll you before I let
another woman have you!

But I don't want
another woman.

All I want is you...

Forget it, Brian.
This isn't gonna work.

No. We can make it work,
but we just have to try.

Shut up!

Oh, please, Joe--
I'm scared! I'm scared.

Hold me!

Okay, you made
your point.

I can't lie to Helen,

and I guess I can't
tell her the truth

so I can't go.

Hey, guys.

Joe, I just wanted
to tell you that

Casey and I are going
to the movies tonight

so I may be home
kind of late.

You're kidding?!

No.

As great a joke as that
would be to play on you...

no, I'm really going
to the movies.

Why? Is that a problem?

No. No problem at all.

Well, I know this is a little
last minute.

Is that why you're upset?

I'm not upset.

Brian, do I sound upset?

Well, to tell you the truth,
you kind of do, yeah.

Listen--
it's no big deal.

I'll just cancel with Casey.

Oh, no, no!

You have a date
with Casey.

The last thing in the world
I want for you to do is cancel.

Okay. What are you
going to do?

Don't worry about me.
I'll be fine.

Okay.

Well, see you
guys later.

(grunting happily)

Oh, I just...

Shh.

We're fine.

We'll find something
for you to do.

It's all right.

(laughing)

Yeow!

Ooh, that's a whole lot
of orange going on there, Roy.

What are you doing?

I'm going skydiving.

I saw you guys
writing your eulogies.

I decided to write mine.

I'd say just
in time, too.

Mine goes

"Roy Biggins was an adventurer,
living each day to the fullest."

Well, you've just
lost your mind.

I could use some support
from you people.

You know, you could take
a lesson from my pilots.

They are behind me.

Every single one of those guys

said I should go jump
out of that plane.

Well, if you're
going skydiving,

don't you need
a lot of training?

(voice breaking):
Not according to the guys.

They say you just hop out
and pull this.

Roy, that is a zipper.

Oh. Well, then it, uh, must be

one of these other
little doohickeys.

Uh, I'll find it.

Listen, Roy, um...

as much as I would love
to tell my grandchildren

that I was there when
Biggins Canyon was formed...

...I can't let you do this.

Relax, okay? I'm gonna be fine.

I'm gonna go find my pilots and
we're gonna recheck my chute.

They packed it for me special.

Wow.

That is the biggest
pitcher of tang

I've ever seen.

Anyway, hey! So...

you ready to see
Tracy tonight?

You kidding?
I've been ready ever
since I saw her

shimmy up the rope in
ninth-grade gym class.

You know what the best part
about tonight is?

I didn't lie to Helen.

Yeah! That's it.

Joe, do you mind if I leave
a little early tonight?

Sure, Fay. Why?
What's going on?

I've decided to volunteer

at the Golden Crest
Seniors Home.

Oh, really? That's great!

Giving up your Friday night
to help other people.

That's good, Fay.

Oh, uh, it's Friday night?

Well, that's not going
to work for me at all.

I've already ordered
Wrestlemania on
pay-per-view.

I can't cancel now.

Antonio, you coming?

You tappin' a keg?

Don't I always?

Oh. Helen?
I've been thinking...

I don't know about the movies.
I'm kind of tired.

Why don't you and Joe
do something tonight?

No. You can't do that.

HELEN:
Joe, it's no big deal.

We can go
tomorrow night.

Yeah. Tomorrow night.

Tomorrow? I can't believe this.

Instead of going out tonight,

you two are going out
tomorrow night?

Well, his mind
seems to be gone,

but his hearing's okay.

You just, you just
don't get it, do you?

How do you know that tonight

isn't the last chance
you will ever have

to be with your sister again?

She could walk out
of this building here

and be hit by a bus,
flattened.

She's a pancake.

Now where's your tomorrow?

It's gone.

Oh, sure, you
could have spent

your last few hours
with her, but you didn't.

And why? Because you're tired.

But now it's too late,
because she's dead.

Oh, Helen...

Oh, Casey...

You know, I never thought
of it that way.

Oh, that's okay.

You still want to see
that movie with me?

Oh, you just try
and stop me.
You know...

I'll just go bring
the car around.
Okay.

You be careful

and look both ways before
you cross the street.

Oh, thanks, Joe, for
opening our eyes.

Glad I could help.

Hey, you want to
come with us?

I can't tonight.
I got plans.

Maybe tomorrow.

What-What plans?

I-I'm... volunteering

at the Golden, uh, Crust
old people's home.

The old people's home?

What are you doing for them?

Helping.

Them.

Well, um, okay.

I think it's really nice

that you're doing
that for them

but why does it
have to be tonight?

Because tonight's
the last night...

for a lot of them.

Oh, man.

Oh, man.

What?

I can't believe what I just did.
I lied to Helen.

Oh. Listen, I figure
we should leave here by 6:00.

I told her I was
volunteering

at an old age home.

I broke our
vow of honesty.

Oh, come on.

I mean,
did you actually think

you'd be able to go through
your whole marriage with Helen

and never lie?

This is a lying world,
my friend.

Everybody lies to everybody.

You lie to me?

Sure.
When?

Pretty much every time I say

"Joe, I'm your brother;
would I lie to you?"

I'm lying to you.

Well, I don't lie
to my wife...

at least, I haven't lied
to her till now.

Oh, God.

Oh, come on, what's
the difference?

You told her that you
we're gonna volunteer
at an old age home

when, in reality,
you're going to be watching

beautiful women dance naked.

Shades, we're
talking shades.

Come on, Brian.

Joey, I'm your brother.

Would I lie to you?

Do you have any idea
how hurt Helen would be

if she found out
I deceived her?

All right, let's
explore this, then.

I'll be Helen, you be Joe.

I'm not doing that again.

All right, I'll be Joe,
you be Helen.

Brian...
All right, I'll be
Fay, you be Roy--

Come on, I got
to be somebody!

Wait a minute. I got it.

When is a lie not a lie?

That's easy. When you
get away with it.

No. When it's the truth.

See, it's simple.

I will go and volunteer
at the old age home

just like I told Helen.

Oh, that's great

and I'll be watching
Tracy Hayes dance naked,

and you'll be watching
Gabby Hayes dance naked.

Don't you get it?

I will go to
the old folks' home

play a little pinochle,
a little conversation

do my good deed,
bing, bang, boom.

20 minutes later, I'm in a skin
club with a clear conscience.

That's it?
That does it for you?

Yes, it does.

Good. I'm glad.

Now can I be Fay?

(chuckling)

Boy, that's a dumb move.

Are you stupid, or are you
just trying to lose?

Just play the game.

Okay.

Ba-dum, ba-dum, ba-dum.

King me.

You know, you're easier to b*at
than Sid across the hall,

and he's in a coma.

Well, Lou, it's been
a pleasure meeting you.

What, you're leaving already?

Well... not right away,
but, you know

in the next, uh,
couple of seconds.

It's just that I have
a prior commitment.

You know, you remind me
of my son.

Really?
Oh, yeah.

He dumped me in here,
and he ran away too.

Lou, what do you want me to do?

I've got to go.
Take me with you.

I haven't been out of this place
for a year.

I need to be aired out.

You have plenty to do tonight.

I saw the activity board.

There's a slide show of Mrs.
Freemont's daughter's cruise.

Then there's tapioca pudding...

Ooh... pinch me!

All right, Lou, listen to me.

If I could take you
with me, I would, but I can't.

Why not?

Because what I'm going to see

your heart can't take.

Okay. Okay, you go.

You do.
I'll be fine.

I have everything
a man could want--

I got my tv, my bed...

Oh, and look, a raisin
left over from lunch.

Life is full.

(sultry jazz playing)

What kind of a joint
did you bring me to?

Six bucks for a Sprite?

You know something?

It's drafty in here.

We know, Lou.

Who are you again?

He's Brian, Lou.

He's my brother.

I got a brother.

We know, Lou.

His name is Harry,
he's an orthodontist

and he screwed you, Lou.

He screwed me.

We know, Lou!

Would you mind if I had a word
with my brother in private?

He screwed me blue.

Why did you
bring him here?

Are you out
of your mind?!

Would you relax?

Can I say something here?

Why don't you take a haircut?

You look like a girl.

Hey, Lou. There's a buffet.

Why don't you get
yourself some dinner?

At 8:00?

Oh, I couldn't digest.

It would k*ll me.

Like he said...

Listen,
am I spoiling your fun?

No, no, no. Lou,
you're not spoiling our fun.

You are a pure delight.

Thank you. You're a nice boy.

I think I will get something
to eat.

Can I bring you a plate?

Yes, please.

And take your time.

You, I hate.

You think if we switched tables,
he won't be able to find us?

I don't know, Brian.
Maybe this was a mistake.

What?
Bringing Yoda to a strip club?

Nah, nah.

That was inspired.

I mean, coming here at all.

What the heck
are you talking about, man?

This is the culmination

of a lifetime
of adolescent fantasies.

But I lied to Helen.

No, you didn't.

You went to the home.

For God's sakes,
you brought the home here.

All right, look. Don't even
try to talk me out of this.

I'm going to grab Lou
and get out of here.

Hey, guys.

Hey.
Hey.

I'm so glad you made it.
Oh, yeah.

Well, you know, we were
in the neighborhood.

Really looking forward
to seeing the show.

Well, I'll try not
to disappoint you.

(laughing):
Oh, I don't think
that's possible.

You're so sweet.

Well, look, I go
on in a minute,

so I have to go and
get into my outfit.

You, uh...
wear an outfit?

Well... not for long.

(laughs)

Well, uh...

uh...

really sorry
you can't stay, Joe.

See you later.

You know, how
selfish can I be?

Here I am, thinking
only of myself

and who I really should be
thinking about is Lou.

I mean, he doesn't
get out very much.

I'd just be taking him
right back to the home.

You're not that
kind of guy.

You're damn right I'm not.

I was raised
better than that.

Yeah. Stay, Joe.

For Lou.

All Lou.

All the time.

I'm proud of you.

Thanks, Brian, but there
comes a time in a man's life

when he's got to do
the right thing.

I just hope
when I'm 112 years old

somebody takes me
to a strip club.

ANNOUNCER:
Ladies and gentlemen,

Club Shangri-la is proud
to present Miss Tracy Hayes!

All they had was
drumettes and slaw.

Why do people come
to this restaurant?

I was... ya-ha-ha.

Ah...

(door opens)

(sighs)

Honey...

sweetheart...

Babe?

(louder):
Helen?

Hmm?

Oh, good. You're up.

How was your night?
Oh, fine.

Oh, that's nice.

Oh. Just one little thing,
though.

After I went to the home

Brian and I went to see
Tracy Hayes dance naked.

Night-night.

Joe?

Yeah?

HELEN:
Get up!

Wow... wow, wow, wowie.

This was
some night, huh?

Yes, it was, Lou.

I had feelings I haven't had
in 35 years.

I know, Lou.

I think it was the slaw.

It was the slaw, Lou.

What do you think it was?

Anybody's guess, Lou.

Look at you.

You wear dungarees
to a nice place like this?

What are you, a hippie?