07x25 - Love Overboard

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Wings". Aired: April 19, 1990, to May 21, 1997.*
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Two brothers, Joe and Brian Hackett, run a one-plane commuter service from a small Nantucket airport.
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07x25 - Love Overboard

Post by bunniefuu »

Oh, yeah, all right.
Bases loaded.

Mo Vaughn
is at the plate.
Yeah.

(bat strikes ball)

(both hollering)

Grand salami!

Ung, ungawa,
Red Sox got the power.

Uh! Uh! Uh!

What's the score?
What's the score?

4-3 Sox, Vaughn just hit
a grand slam.

Ung, ungawa,
Red Sox got the power.

Uh!

Oh, oh.

Oh! The ball just
beaned that poor guy

in the bleachers.

Oh, great, they're
going to show it again.

(gasping)

That guy who got beaned
looks like Stuart.

Your husband Stuart?

Yeah!

Look, they're showing it again
in slow motion.

(screams)
Oh, it is Stuart!

Oh, God, after seven years
of marriage

I would recognize
those klutzy reflexes anywhere.

Casey, calm down.

Don't tell her to calm down,

not after the way
he treated her.

That deadbeat vanished
two years ago

with every dime I had.

Look, there he is...

right there!

Oh, I could just get
my hands around his neck,

I will k*ll you.
I will k*ll you!

Casey, I don't know
what you did there,

but keep it up--
I think you unscrambled HBO.

Brian, come on, you're
taking me to Boston.

(chuckling):
You know...

there's a way
to ask for a favor,

and there's a way to ask.

You're right.

Brian, would you kindly
fly me to Boston

so I can m*rder my
rat bastard husband?

See, was that so hard?

Hey, Scarpacci.

How would you like
to earn some extra money?

I know what this is about.

You saw me take that Happy Meal
out of the trash.

Listen, that kid just took
one bite and threw it away.

Look, here's the deal.

A cruise ship is going
to dock off the island

for a couple of days.

It is going to be crawling with
elderly widows and divorcees.

They're going to need a few
good men for some chitchat

and some dancing.

There's one problem:
Huh?

I don't know how to dance.

What are you talking about?

My father didn't think
it was macho.

He said, "No son of mine

"is going to be dance around
like a sissy.

You go work with your Uncle Sal
after school."

What did your uncle do?

He ran a girdle shop.

Women's delicates.

Some hosiery-- that was my idea.

Lucky for you,
I am a great dancer.

I'll teach you.

Listen, Roy, I don't
dance with men.

You're going to have
to learn somehow.

I don't know what it is
about these old widows,

but once they put
a husband in the ground,

it makes them want to mambo.

ANTONIO:
Fay.

Are you a good dancer?

I knew this was coming.

I've been wondering when you
were going to get up the nerve

to make your move.

Don't think I haven't noticed
those smoldering glances

from across the terminal.

Uh, Fay...
(laughs)

I must say, I'm quite flattered.

And don't think that the thought
hasn't crossed my mind.

But why risk a friendship

for a few nights of wild,
uninhibited passion?

So... in answer
to your question,

yes, I do dance,
but, alas, not with you.

Let's do us both a favor
and never speak of this again.

No problem.

Casey, what happened?
Did you find Stuart?

Yeah. I had the
little weasel

right in my hands,
but he got away.

Helen, I got so close.

Look, I even got
a fistful of his hair.

Stuart has hair now?

Plugs.

I could k*ll Stuart
for what he did to you.

k*lling is too good for him.

I would like to rip his heart
out with my bare hands.

Cut it up.

Yeah, and then, boil it up.

And mash it up,
Yeah.

and mash it up

till it's really, really...
mashed up.

Oh, Brian,

I can't believe
I let that little worm

slip through my fingers.

I'm never going to have
a chance like that again.

Well, you never know.

Life's funny.

Hello, Casey.

Stuart.

I'll bet you didn't expect
to see me again.

No, I didn't.

But I'm glad
you're here.

Really?

(grunts)

Stuart, I can't even
begin to describe

how deeply you have hurt me.

I am so...
filled with questions,

I don't even know
where to start.

Okay, here's one.

Where the hell's my money?!

Plugs, plugs.

Release the plugs,
and I will tell you

what happened to the money.

All right, tell me!

There is no money.

(groaning)

What do you mean,
there's no money?

You mean that you just ran off
and spent every dime we had?

No. We were broke
before I left you.

My business collapsed.

The bottom fell out
of the whole corn pad market.

What?!

Podiatry has become
very advanced.

They use lasers now.

Corn pads just aren't "sexy"
anymore.

Wait. That doesn't explain

where you've been
for the past two years.

I mean, you just vanished
off the face of the Earth.

I was moving around
from one odd job to the next--

you know, waiting tables,
painting houses,

being a guinea pig for
a dicey pharmaceutical company.

For a few weeks in January,
I had breasts.

Yeah, but what about the yacht?

You must've gotten money
for that.

As soon as I hit open water,

the Princess Casey was repo'd
by the bank.

Well, that explains
what happened to the money,

but it still doesn't explain
what happened to you.

Why did you leave me?

I was ashamed.

I felt like a failure.

I couldn't provide for you
anymore.

So you just ran away?

I was afraid if I didn't
have any money

you'd stop loving me.

Oh, Stuart.

Oh, come on!

You really thought that's what
our relationship was about--

just the money
and the big house,

and the European vacations,

and the omelet chef
on Sunday?

I miss Raoul.

No, wait, you ran away from me
at the baseball park.

Why did you come back here?

When I was running away
from you,

I realized two things:

One: I'm really out of shape.

(laughing)

And two:

you deserved to know the truth.

Casey, I'm sorry for all
the pain I caused you,

but don't worry.

I'm out of your life now
for good.

The divorce papers
will be in the mail.

Stuart, wait.

Oh, my God!

Stuart?

You slimeball!

No! No!

Helen. Helen, don't...
don't hurt him!

Oh, you're right.

I'll hold him;
you hurt him.

No, no, no.
No, no, no.

I don't want
to hurt him.

He's my husband,
and I...

I'm giving him
another chance.

The coast is clear, Scarpacci.

Come on out.

Come on.

I just hope nobody sees us.

Hey, look, if you
are going to work this cruise,

you have got to learn to dance.

Now, come on.

All right.

Show me what you got.

I was looking at that book
you gave me,

and I think... think I got
the fox-trot down.

One, two... step together.

One, two, step together.

One, two, step together.

(whistles)

Come here.
(gentle music begins playing)

No. I really
don't think...

I said... come here.

One, two,
step together.

Try to be a little lighter
on your feet.

One, two, step...
step together.

I said lighter
on your feet.

One, two, step...

Ow! Oh, oh...

Sorry, Roy, I...

I... I... I can't do it.
(music stops)

You know, you're still
the same scared little kid

who worked
in your uncle's girdle shop.

You take that back.

Make me.

(music begins playing)

One, two,
step together.

One, two, step together.

One, two...

You're really picking
this up, Scarpacci.

Well, I've had
a wonderful teacher.

A teacher's only as
good as his student.

Flatterer.

Dip.

(song ends)

Okay.

You're good enough
to fake your way through.

(applause on TV,
Stuart laughing)

Hi, Joe.

Stuart.

(sighing)

Mm-mmm. Hey, Joe,
Joe, Joe, relax.

Leave that
for the cleaning lady.

I am the cleaning lady.

Well, in that case,
you ain't getting a raise,

because this place is a pigsty.

(laughing)

Ooh, ooh, it's 7:30--
You know what that means?

Yeah. Wheel's on.

Come on,
sit down and watch.

This is a special episode--
"Live from Sea World."

Hey, hey, hey.

Looks like you could
use a hand there.

I sure could.

Mmm...

Your chips are in
the other bag.

Oh!

Family size!

(laughing)

You got
to keep her here, Joe.

Helen, I read somewhere

where you can have
anybody k*lled for $10,000.

Joe, don't be ridiculous.

We only have $6,000 in the bank.

Yeah, but I bet
we could get a loan

if I tell them what it's for.

Look, I'm not crazy
about him living here either,

but we have to keep remembering
why we're doing this.

Why?

"Why?"

Why?!

Why?

Oh, for Casey, for Casey.

She thinks he's just going
through a little phase,

and he'll snap out of it

and the two of them will be
back on their feet again.

Or he'll eat himself
to 1,000 pounds,

be forklifted out of here
and buried in a piano crate.

For Casey's sake,
let's just be patient with him.

Excuse me, but I see
you people only use

non-wax floss.

I have a little problem
with that.

Do you, Stu?

Thank you so much for
pointing that out.

Well, FYI, next time.

Stuart, I washed
the shirt for you.

Oh, honey, thanks.

That's my shirt.

I accidentally spilled
some grape juice on it.

Hey, it almost came out.

Come on, Helen, let's go.

Where you going?

To the bank.

(humming rumba rhythm)

Oh, it looks as if you two
had a good time.

Oh, boy, did we.

You must have been
quite a hit with the ladies.

Nope, couldn't
get arrested.

The cruise had
too many escorts.

Yeah, but that
band, oh!

It was too good
to go to waste.

So, show her, Roy.

We took first place
in the rumba contest.

Really?

Well, right now I have
a picture of you two in my mind

that I'd give anything to lose.

Ha!

(humming rumba rhythm)

JOE:
Oh, hey, Casey,

do you mind if I talk
to you for a minute?

Sure. What is it?

Well, you know how much

I want to help you
and Stuart, and...

well, I think I've come
up with a solution.

Really?

How does Stuart
feel about Georgia?

I don't really know.

Okay, how does he
feel about peaches?

Oh, he likes them,

especially sliced
with a little fresh cream.

Good. How does he feel
about picking 'em?

What?!

Hear me out, keep an
open mind on this, okay?

There was a guy on
one of my flights.

He owns a couple of
orchards down in Georgia.

He needs hands.

It's a couple
of months' work.

He'll be done in time for the
linseed harvest in Alabama.

Isn't it amazing how this
all just fell into place?

Are you suggesting that Stuart
become a migrant farmworker

in the Deep South?

Well, hey, you got to
go where the work is.

Look, Joe, I know how you feel
about Stuart, but fortunately,

not everyone in the family
feels that way.

Oh, Joe, did
you tell Casey

about the peach plan?

Helen, is that how little
you think of Stuart?

No. Absolutely not.

We think a lot of Stuart.

It must be k*lling
that proud and great man

to be living on our couch

with his fist stuck
in the Pringles' can.

Come on, Stuart's trying.

In fact, he's at a job interview
even as we speak.

Yes. He is applying
for a position with the city

in traffic management.

Traffic management.

What exactly is that?

It's a crossing guard, okay?

Hey, I know you don't have a lot
of faith in Stuart, but I do.

He has a lot more ambition
than you think.

You watch:
Stuart Davenport will rise again

like the phoenix.

Oh, yeah? Does the
phoenix wake up at noon,

scratch its ass and
eat a four-egg omelet?

Hey... hey, Casey,
guess what? Guess what?

This morning,
the cruise ship

passed this yacht
in the harbor

and it's called
the Princess Casey.

Wasn't that the name
of your boat?

Um... yeah.

Boy, that's
a coincidence.

I mean, I guess
somebody liked the name.

Here's another coincidence.

Stuart was on it.

He, uh, he had
a pitcher of margaritas

and he was doing a samba.

Not a bad dancer,
if I may say so.

Of course, he's no Roy.

I thought the Princess Casey
was repossessed.

I thought Stuart
was broke.

Hey, did you guys
tell Casey the idea?

Is ol' Stuey leaving

on that midnight train
to Georgia, huh?

Come on, Brian, we
got a boat to catch.

Just once would it
k*ll you to say please?

Ow!

I don't believe it!

This is our boat!

Ooh...

Oh, I love this boat.

Oh, I love everything
about this boat!

There's got to be
some explanation.

Oh, I know.

Remember when Stuart sent
Helen out for lottery tickets?

Well...

maybe one of them hit,
you know,

and he bought the boat back
to surprise me.

Or maybe he just screwed you.

What?

(gasps)

Excuse me.

Knock, knock.

Casey! Hi!

Casey...

uh, listen, um,

you're... you're probably
wondering about all this.

Guess what?

I got the crossing
guard job.

I had no idea
how well it paid.

Wow!

So, um, let's celebrate.

Champagne? Caviar?

I could have Raoul
make you an omelet.

Oh, Stuart.

I knew you wouldn't
stay down for long.

Oh, God. I'm so happy.

This is everything
I've ever wanted,

and this is everything
you stole from me,

you lying creep!
(grunts)

Ow...! Ow!

I've just got a couple of
questions for you, fella.

Number one: where's
the switch to the hot tub?

And number two:
are suits optional?

You go right ahead, Brian.

This is half my yacht.

The switch you want will be
the green one near the sauna.

Wha... you got
a sauna here?

Oh, cool.

Hey, hey, hey!

You take one more step

and this whole bag
goes out the window.

You wouldn't do that.

All right!
All right!

You would! You would!
Casey, calm down.

Relax. Relax. Just tell me,
what do you want from me?

I want to play a little game.

It's called, "Tell the truth,
you lying sleazebag!"

Question number one for $10,000!

Is this the money you emptied
out of our bank account?

No!

I found that on a bus.

(imitates buzzer)

(moans)

You didn't tell the truth,
you lying sleazebag!

This is...

This is ridiculous.
Let me have that.

Hey! Hey!
I'm not kidding.

You cross that line

and it's cash ahoy!

All right, Casey, Casey,
listen to me.

That's our money.

You're only hurting yourself
by tossing it out.

Oh, you're right.

In that case,
I'll only toss out your half!

Question number two
for another $10,000.

Why did you really
come back here?

Because I love you,
I missed you,

and I couldn't live without you.

Oh, Stuart.

(imitates buzzer)

Maybe I didn't explain
the rules of our game

quite clearly enough.

The more you lie,
the more you lose!

This is such a bad game.

I don't mean to interrupt,
but...

I am enjoying a Denver omelet
like I never have.

This Raoul is a magician.

Now... are you ready
to tell the truth?

Why did you come back here?

Because I wanted a divorce.

And why didn't you
just ask me for one?

Because I didn't want
to hurt you!

(imitates buzzer)

All right, you want the truth?

I wanted to trick you

into thinking I was broke,
so you'd divorce me

so I could keep the boat
and all the money!

I never thought
you'd stay with me

when you thought
I was such a loser.

The Casey I knew would have
dumped me in a heartbeat!

You're not the woman I married.

God, Stuart!

You know, part of me
has spent these last two years

wondering if I had done
something to drive you away.

Well, now I know the truth.

You're just
a really awful human being.

(alarm sounds)

Oh! What's that?

All right, look,

a couple of bad things
just happened.

Um, there are two green
switches by the hot tub,

and the one that I
pushed... the bad one...

Oh, my God!
You've reversed the bilge pump.

We're taking on water.

Yes, we are,
but not to worry

'cause Raoul is
on the phone

to the Coast Guard
right now, and by the way

have you tried his
cheeseless frittata?

Oh! Good job, Brian.

Now they will be towing
my boat into the harbor.

No, no, no, no,
it's not your boat or my boat,

and soon as they get
their hands on it,

it's going to
be the government's boat!

I haven't paid taxes
in five years.

I got to get
out of here.

Give me that!
Give it!
No!

Give me this!
(yells)

(screams)
(screams)

Was that the money?

Yes!
Yes!

No!

Well, I hope you're happy!

Not yet.

(screams)

(splashing)

Now I'm happy.

(music playing)

(song ends)
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