05x01 - Bill Moves On

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "NewsRadio". Aired: March 21, 1995 –; May 4, 1999.*
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Showcases the hilarious antics of staffers at WNYX, the fictional No.2 news radio station serving New York.
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05x01 - Bill Moves On

Post by bunniefuu »

Oh, I'm sorry. Are you okay?

Yeah.

Okay, I-- I--

Well.

As far as memorial services go,
I thought that was very nice.

Yeah. Very nice. It's nice.

Yes, it was.

The flowers sure were beautiful.

Yeah, yeah, very nice.

Pretty.

Oh, you know that arrangement
they had of-of roses

that was shaped
like a broken heart? Yeah?

Was that, um,
supposed to be because

Bill d*ed
of a heart att*ck or--?

No. No, Matthew, that was me.
I-I-I sat on it in the limo.

Oh.

[LAUGHING]

Oh, the irony of that
would have made Bill laugh.

Yeah.
Yeah.

He woulda been all,
"Hey, look, it's a broken heart

"because I was sitting home
watching television

and I had a heart att*ck
and d*ed."

Or something like that,
you know.

Dave looked great, didn't he?

Yeah, he looked fabulous.
Didn't he?

You know, he put a lot of work
into that eulogy of his.

Yeah, a lot of work.
Nice work.

Yeah.
Yeah.

Was it just me, or did
Dave's eulogy really suck?

Totally sucked.

It sucked.

I think, maybe, Dave
wanted the eulogy to be so good.

He just tried a little too hard
and lost perspective.

Is that why it was two hours
and 17 minutes long?

You counted?

Well, I had to do something
to stay awake.

Poor Dave.

Matthew, what are you doing?

I'm just arranging,
you know, a cup of coffee

the way the way Bill liked it.

We used to play this game
where if I didn't get him

a fresh cup of coffee
before the meeting was over,

he'd get so mad at me.

Good times, good times.

Well, lookie here.
Hey, Dave.

Hello, everyone.

Your eulogy was the best.

Thanks, but it really wasn't.

Oh, no, it was--

It was totally comprehensive.

It didn't suck at all.

Look, um...

You guys chose me to speak
on behalf of all of us.

I know that I blew it, and you
have every right to be angry.

[ALL MUTTERING
DISAGREEMENTS]

What the hell are you doing?

Guys, I-I-I said I understand
your anger, all right?

Dave, Dave, Dave,
it's not about the eulogy.

It's just that Matthew
got a cup of coffee

as a symbolic gesture
for Bill and you--

[♪]

A re you guys busy?
No, no, no, no.

In fact, uh,
I was telling Dave

uh, how great
I thought his eulogy was.

Why don't you tell him now?

Right. Okay.

Yeah, Dave, I really, really,
really, really, really, really

really, really liked it.

Yeah, um, anyway, ho-how you
doing? Are you all right?

Honestly, Dave, I don't know.

I just feel--
Oh, who am I kidding?

I've never felt better.

How so?

Well, okay, between you and me,
Bill's really not dead.

Uh, Matthew.

This is all part
of his secret plan

which he didn't tell anybody
except me.

His secret plan.

Right. See, Bill always said

that someday
when the time was right,

he was gonna drop out of society
and move up to Afghanistan

and start
a boat-chartering company.

You see? You see?

So Bill did it.

He finally made his-his-his
little dream a reality.

Yeah. You're right.

Uh, yeah, I guess...

I guess he really
pulled it off, huh?

Yes, he did. Yes, he did.

But I read his book.

Yes. Yes, you did.
You magnificent bastard.

Yes. You know,
Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave.

Keep this between
you and me, okay?

Oh, I promise it won't--
It won't leave this room.

Dave.
Uh-huh.

I think, uh, we have
a little bit of a problem.

I think Matthew just--

Oh, I know. He told me
about Bill opening up

a boat-chartering company
in Afghanistan.

Oh. He told me it was
a scuba-diving school in Nepal.

And right about now,

I bet Bill's
just tooling around some lake

up in the Himalayas
in his own private submarine.

Right about now,

it's about 3:00
in the morning in Katmandu.

Well, in that case,
he's probably sound asleep,

which is nice, too.

Matthew, can I talk to you
just for a few minutes?

Sure, Lisa. What up?

You know what? I bet he put
the sub on auto-pilot.

That way, he'd catch a few winks
before the sun comes up.

Yes.

You know, I hope the air
isn't too thin

for him up there
in the Himalayas.

It is. It is.
If you take the submarine

down to the right depth,
it all evens out.

Right. No problem.

Anyways, um, Lisa?

Huh?

You wanted to talk to me?
What up?

Oh, yes.
Just one second, though,

because first I'd like
to talk to Beth.

And Mr. James, and Joe,
in here. Alone. Now.

I am really very afraid of
what's going to happen to him

when he finally realizes
that Bill is gone.

He's probably
just having a weird reaction.

I'm sure we all had weird
reactions when we found out.

I know I did.

Yeah? What'd you do?

Went over my parent's house
at 3 in the morning

and climbed into bed with them.

Like I used to do
when I was a kid.

That's not so weird.

My mom didn't think so,
but that was the first time

I met her new husband.

He was a little uptight.

Nice guy?

Yeah, pretty much. You know.

He snores too much,
but I put a stop to that.

What about you, Mr. James?

I was at home
when I got the call.

I mean, the whole situation,

heh, got me so angry
and confused

I sort of punched a hole
in the wall.

Did you hurt yourself?

No, no, it was just drywall.

Even though, I specifically told
my contractor to use concrete.

So, of course that made me
angrier.

So I, you know, went outside.
I saw the landscaper's backhoe

and I kinda, sorta drove
through one side of my house

and out the other.

So basically you kinda
destroyed that house

you've been building
for three years.

Yeah, yeah, pretty much.
I mean, thank God.

Thank God I had
that tree fort built

or I'd, uh, be sleeping
on the street right now.

Wow, all I did was go
for a really long walk.

Where'd you go?

I don't know. I mean,
all over the city, I guess.

And then somehow
I ended up standing

outside Bill's
apartment building, and--

I wanted to make sure
he was really gone, you know.

So I figured out
which window was his

and then I just started yelling,
you know, "Bill. Hey, Bill."

And then what happened?
Well, finally someone opened

their window and yelled down,

"Shut the hell up,
you crazy bitch."

That's just what Bill
woulda done.

Yeah.

I know. And that just made
me think, you know,

his spirit lives on
in others.

That's sweet.

Uh, what about you, Lisa?

Oh, mine's boring.

I-I just got drunk.

Then what?

Then I went to sleep.

And what'd you do
when you woke up?

I got drunk again.

And then I pretty much
stayed drunk

for, like, three days
or four days.

You know, it was a little weird
for me, but--

You're drunk
right now, aren't you?

No.

No, Beth.
I think after four days,

I've pretty much gotten
it out of my system.

You guys, I am not drunk.

JIMMY:
Oh, sure.

I am not drunk. I am fine.

You're fine.
I am fine.

Don't get belligerent with me.
little lady.

I'm just not drunk.

Come on.
I would not come to work...

Drunk.

That's just sad.

[♪]

Hey, Dave. What you up to?

Uh, just re-editing
Bill's eulogy.

You think we're gonna bury him
again, son?

Mr. James,
If Dave finds it cathartic

to work on the eulogy,
more power to him.

Cathartic. Oh, that's a big word

for a pie-eyed drunk.

I am not drunk, okay?
I am not drunk. I was drunk.

Yes, I was drunk for four
straight days, maybe five.

But I am no longer drunk.

And besides, I seem to remember
the two of you throwing back

more than a few at the wake.

At the what?

At the wake. At Bill's wake.

Lisa?
What?

We didn't have a wake for Bill.

Heh. Right.

Oh.

Well, then,

whosever wake it was
that I went to yesterday,

that was a very good,
healthy, healing way

to celebrate Bill's life.

Or whose ever life it was.
Excuse me.

You know what's bothering me?

What?

Well, that no one
can bring themselves

to tell me to my face
that the eulogy sucked.

Well, maybe it didn't.

Bill woulda told me.

Well, that's true.

Even if it was the most
eloquent

and moving eulogy
ever delivered

Bill still would have
told me.

And you enjoyed that?

No, not particularly,
but, you know,

but I kind of got used to it.

And, you know,
now that he's, you know,

not here to do it anymore.

It just makes you
miss him more.

Yeah, it really does.

Dave,

your eulogy sucked.

You're just saying that
to make me feel better.

No, I didn't. If that eulogy
had gone on one minute longer,

it would have been yours.

That's very sweet, sir.
Thank you.

No, seriously, Dave.
The eulogy sucked.

No. Really.
You don't need to do this.

It was really, really bad.

Sir, I know
you're trying to be nice.

No, I'm not.

I-I-It was the worst thing
I've ever been to.

No. Sir, you just don't--

[♪]

Oh, good, everyone's here.

Uh, well, I-I have two surprises
for everyone today.

The first one comes all the way
from London, England.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Catherine Duke.

[ALL CHEERING]

It's good to see you.

Oh, I caught the first red-eye.

Hey, sweet thing.

Oh, Dave, I'm so sorry.
I missed your eulogy.

Oh, that's all right.

It's okay.

It's available
on four 90-minute cassettes.

It sucked.
It was really bad.

BETH:
It was long and dull, Dave.

Thanks, everybody. Thanks.

Uh, the second surprise
is that, uh,

apparently,
Bill asked his lawyer

to deliver this envelope to me

if anything
was to happen to him.

And I wasn't supposed to open it
till we were all gathered

so let's see what it is.

All right.
I'm supposed to read this aloud.

Now here we go.

"Dear Everyone,
If Dave is reading this to you,

"I have either been fired
or I have passed away.

"Since my formidable talent
would preclude the former,

"I'll have to assume
that the latter is true.

Someone please explain
that one to Matthew later."

I don't get it.

I'll explain it
to you later, dude.

Thank you.

He continues:
"I know this is strange,

"but I just wanted to make sure

"that my final wishes
are observed.

"Wish number one:
I wish I weren't dead.

Jimmy, get your best people
on this if you would."

Uh.

"Ha-ha, just kidding."

Ha!

"Attached, please find, uh,
envelopes

"containing personal notes
for everyone.

"Please have them distributed
to the appropriate parties.

"Matthew seems like
the ablest man

for this very challenging task."

I'm on it.

Who's got--?

[CHATTING INDISTINCTLY]

Hey, why don't we read them
out loud?

You know-- Beth?

Okay.

You start.

All right. Uh.

"Dear Beth: I am sorry

"about that time
I said that your outfit

"looked like something you
fished out of the garbage can

after the circus left town."

You know,
that's really the only thing

he ever said that hurt
my feelings.

No! What about that time
when he said--

Please, Joe, just let me
have the moment? Thank you.

"I meant it as a compliment,
but somehow it came out wrong."

That's very sweet.

"Dear Joe,

"I'm sorry I intentionally broke
the printer by my desk

every Monday morning
and made you fix it."

I knew there was something
was up with that printer.

"I only did it
because I enjoyed hearing

"your voluminous redactions

"on the prior weekend's
sporting events.

"On more than one occasion,
you helped lull me

"into my mid-morning nap.

"For that, I am
eternally grateful. Kudos.

The printer shouldn't give you
much trouble anymore."

[SNIFFS]

I wonder if he knew how much
I enjoyed fixing that printer?

Oh, I think he did,
big guy.

Sure. Yeah.

[CLEARS THROAT]
I'll-- I'll go ahead.

"Dear Jimmy:
What can I say?

"The fact that you trusted me
enough to share

"a few of your deepest secrets
with me means a lot.

"I only hope that someday
you'll reveal

"to the rest of the world
the actual culprits

behind the assassination
of John F. Ken--"

Actually, this one's kind of
personal, so I'll go ahead--

Okay. Uh,

"Dearest Lisa:

"I'm sorry I was so obsessed

"with what you might
look like naked.

"I'm even more sorry
that I never actually

"got the chance
to see you naked.

"Please think of me
the next time you're naked

"because if it is at all
possible to become a ghost,

"I will be there
appreciating you

in all of your naked splendor."

Are you sure
you don't have mine?

It's mine, Matthew.

All right.

"Dear Matthew: I am dead.

"No matter what I may have
told you about my secret plan,

"do not get on an airplane

"and fly around the world
searching for me.

"Also, be assured that
this is not just a further ruse

to throw everyone off the track
of my secret plan."

Huh.

I'm sorry, Matthew--

Oh, "P.S.:"

[CLEARS THROAT]
"The crow flies at midnight."

What does that mean?

Nothing. Never mind.
It's top secret.

[CLEARS THROAT]
Okay. All right.

"David: I suppose
I should say I'm sorry

"for tormenting you
so relentlessly, but I'm not.

"You enjoyed the game
as much as I did,

"and you gave
as good as you got.

"I salute you, sir. Salud.

"As for my eulogy,
please make it

as long and boring
as is possible."

Oh, well, see there?
You did right by him.

"Anything less than three hours

I will consider
a colossal failure."

Oh, Dave,
you almost did right by him.

Uh, Catherine.

Well. This is kind of personal.

Your turn.

Oh, no, no, no.
Go ahead, come on, read it.

Hey, hey, easy there, Lisa.
No one likes a sloppy drunk.

Come on, Catherine.

Go ahead, sweetie.

Okay, well, you asked for it.

"Dear Catherine:
I'm sorry

"we only slept together
that one time.

"I found your love-making
technique delicious,

particularly the way you--"

Just go ahead. Read that.

Yeah.

Well, there is, uh--

There is another, uh, uh,
note-- A note for all of us.

[SNIFFS]
Uh.

"Anyhoo," he continues,
"that about wraps it up for me."

Um. Uh,

"Farewell, take care
of each other, and I'll--

see you all when you get to
wherever it is that I am now."

That's it. Um.

"Matthew,
please collect these notes

and burn them immediately."

Yeah.

Oh, wait, wait.
There's some fine print here.

"P.S.: To liven up what I'm sure
is an unnecessarily somber day,

"I have taken the liberty
of treating these notes

with a flammable agent
which should--"

Joe, my office is on fire.

I'm on it.

[ALL SNIFFING AND SIGHING]

You know what?
That-that-- That's kind of nice.

Yeah, it is.

Too bad we don't, uh,
have any marshmallows.

Well, I only have one.

Oh, God.

Thank you for everything, Bill.

Oh, uh, not just the stapler.

[LAUGHS]

Well, I think you know
what I mean.

Hey, Matthew.

Okay, good night, Dave.

Good night.

Where's Bill's in/out tray?

I don't know.

Hi-his tape dispenser?

I don't know.

The stapler?
Don't know.

Well, where's his coffee cup?

In my pants.

Yeah.

I'm just taking it home
for safekeeping,

you know, in case Bill
comes back and needs it.

Oh, and Dave?
Uh-huh.

Um, between you and me,
uh, Bill did not sneak away

to some foreign country
to start his own business.

You know, I was starting
to suspect that myself.

But don't tell the others
that he is actually dead, okay?

Because I don't think
they're ready to face the truth.

Yeah, okay, I promise.

And one more thing, Dave.

Uh-huh.

If, um, by some incredibly weird
turn of events,

Bill does come back,

don't tell him I put
his coffee mug in my pants.

No, no, no.

Good night, Matthew.

Oh, hey.

Hi.

Uh, here,
you want his blotter?

Um, I would actually
rather have

the Rolodex file
if that's okay.

Yeah, sure. H-H-How come?

Thank you.

Um, because Bill always
used to do this thing

that really made me laugh.

On the front of the cards
is everybody's name and address.

and stuff like that.
And then on the back

was a sketch of what he thought
they might look like naked.

Let me see yours.

Okay. Here it is.

Lisa Miller.

Oh, but, wh-why did he draw you
with a bikini?

Oh, yeah. Bill made that for me.
He made it out of a Post-it.

Look, it comes off.

Ah! Do you mean--

Don't take the bottom off.

Lisa?
Yeah?

Um, I know that, uh,
that the eulogy was pretty bad,

but did it--
Did it really suck?

Um, I really couldn't
tell you, Dave.

I've been drunk off my ass
since 8:00 this morning.

Hello?

Is anybody here?

Okay, boys, come on in.

It's this one right over here.

Just, uh, take it downstairs.
Put it in the van.

Sir, if you want a desk,
I know a guy--

Oh, no, no,
thanks, thanks, thanks.

But, uh, I want
this desk right here.

All right.

Let's go.

[WHISTLES]

[♪]
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