05x02 - Meet the Max Louis

[bunniefuu]

Okay. Um, I mean,

there's probably no good time
to, uh-- To bring this up,

but I think we really
have to start thinking about

hiring a new on-air person.

You mean, Bill's replacement?
BETH: No, Matthew.

No. Dave knows that no one
could ever replace Bill.

Then why is he hiring
a replacement?

Well, I haven't hired
anyone yet, all right?

I've been looking at
a lot of résumés,

I've narrowed down
the candidates.

But I thought we should
discuss it as a group.

Well, you thought wrong!

All right.
You know, maybe we should, uh--

Maybe we should move on
to other business, huh?

You know, um--
You know, apparently,

due to an unforeseen
revenue surplus,

uh, there's money
in the budget to purchase

this bright,
shiny rubber ball.

Huh?

Which bounces.

[GASPS]
Huh?

Matthew, did you hear that?

A shiny rubber ball
that bounces.

Whee!

Can I be excused now?

Wow, I can't believe
the rubber ball didn't work.

I know. At least we don't
have to worry

about him swallowing it now.

Oh, yeah, by the way,

I gotta work on everybody's
computer today.

Oh, any reason in particular?

Nothing to worry about. But if I
don't work on them by Wednesday,

they're all gonna totally
freeze up.

Today is Wednesday.

I thought today was Tuesday.
Mm.

Oh. Well, in that case,
all your computers

are gonna totally freeze up
today.

Joe, why?

It's nothing big. It's just that
whole Year 2000 Crisis thing.

The what?
The Year 2000 Crisis.

It's a global electronic
catastrophe caused by computers

that aren't able to process
dates ending in 2000.

That's the one.

I thought they called it
the Year 2000 Crisis

because it was supposed
to happen in the year 2000?

Yeah. But when I built
the computer system here,

I-I started with the actual
birth date of Jesus,

so we're gonna catch it
a little early.

Joe, Jesus was not born
2000 years ago today.

Yeah? Well, I got a birth
certificate that says different.

Wait-- Wait a minute.

Shouldn't this be
an official day off, Dave?

You know what, Dave?
That's not such a bad idea.

Merry Christmas, everybody.

[♪]

[♪]

Joe, you said the computers
were gonna freeze up.

Why did Beth's explode?

Yeah. "Freeze up" is
an electro-technical term

for explode, Dave.

I did not know that.

Uh-huh. So are you saying
that there's a danger

that all of the computers
are going to explode?

Oh, it's gone
far beyond that, Dave.

Every electronic device in this
office is connected together

in one synergistic web.

It's as if we're living
in the mouth

of an immense supercomputer.

Wow, That's almost poetic,
Joe.

Mr. James, I advise you
to put that coffee pot

back inside the machine.
Oh.

Do you want me to unplug that
for you, Joe?

No. No!

[ALL PHONES RINGING]

Don't answer that!

Why not?

That's why not.

So I assume we'll be
without phone service

for the rest of the day?

Us and everybody else
in the 212 area code.

That was cool.

Dave, are we going
to have this meeting?

Oh, yes, yes, yes. Oh, and Beth,
don't answer the phones.

Why would I do that?

Okay, now, I've, uh--

I've narrowed down
the candidates

for a new on-air person
to, uh, these two,

but I just, you know,

thought we should make
the decision as a group.

Oh, I have an idea.
Oh, what?

Go to hell.

Ah.
Well, anyone else have anything?

Um, how many résumés
did you look through?

About a hundred.
Who are the finalists?

Uh, well, we got these two here.
We've got Jack Callaway,

who's been with the number one
news radio station in L.A.

for eight years
and he's been nominated

for two Peabody Awards.

And he has a total afro.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Look, Jack--
Jack comes very highly rec--

My name's Jack Callaway.

Bow down before
my wondrous afro.

That's not fair, Joe.

[WITH HIGH VOICE]
Fight the power.

We'll come back to Jack later.
Good idea.

Now our second candidate
is a very experienced woman,

uh, Janice Sanburger.

Hamburger.

[ALL LAUGH]

She's a veteran of three major
market stations,

and, uh, Miss Sanburger--
Hamburger.

Speaking of hamburger,
this guy's pretty cute.

Uh, yes, but too bad
he's in the reject pile.

This guy's name is Skye Maximus.
What a dork.

Well, this little lady
calls herself June Showers.

Look at this stupid fool,
Frank Peterson.

Stupid fool.

You know, the people
on the reject pile

are there for a reason.

Oh, come on. What's the matter
with a comparison shopping?

Look at this guy. He can't even
spell his own name right.

Look, Max Lewis.

Beth, that's how
you spell Max.

Really? With an x?
Yes.

Yeah, we've all had our fun.
Can we please--

Wait a minute. Hold on.
Listen to this.

"1985-86
'Indianapolis Morning Zoo'

Co-anchor: Bill McNeal."

Oh, let me see that.

You know, I think this guy
played, uh--

Played golf
with me and Bill one time.

Wait a minute. You mean,
he was a friend of Bill's?

That's nice,
but he's never done news.

That's why he's in
the reject pile.

Matthew, did you hear that?

What if we hired someone
who was a friend of Bill's?

Bill would have wanted that,
right?

I don't know. This guy looks
like he's just pretending

to be a friend of Bill's.

We can't hire someone

just because he may have been
a friend of Bill's.

Okay. Hang on, everybody. Dave,
let me see you outside, please.

Dave, I really think you should
consider this Max Lewis guy.

Well, I did consider him,
but he's just not qualified.

Dave, it's not about
qualifications,

it's about chemistry.

Look, there's a whole group
of people in there

who miss Bill very much.

Maybe hiring a friend of his

will help us ease over
this rough patch.

Perhaps. But it doesn't
seem right to hire someone

because the mob dictates it.

Yeah, well--
Well, ring, ring, hello?

Don't you know the benefits
of getting along with the mob?

No.

All right, let me tell you.

Take that mob of villagers

that chased Frankenstein
through the streets.

Now, wouldn't it have been
smarter

for Frankenstein
to pick up the torch

and help the villagers hunt down
some other freak?

That's a very good point, sir.

Thank you.

All right, everybody.
Shh.

[WITH RASPY VOICE]
I really dig your enormous forehead, big boy.

[WITH LOW VOICE]
Why, thank you. I do have five Peabody awards.

Ooh, what are we waiting for?
Let's get cooking.

Ooh.
Ooh.

[BOTH GIGGLING]

Well, back to the matter
at hand.

Yes, which is hiring
Bill's friend, Max. Yeah.

Actually, I wanted to make
another pitch for Jack Callaway.

Well, Max does have a pretty
impressive résumé.

He's had 37 jobs in 20 years.

Sounds like a veteran.

Sounds like a drifter.

If we don't go with Jack,
there's Janice Sanburger--

Hamburger.

--who has been nominated
for, uh, three Peabody awards.

Yes, but Max Lewis has actually
won a Peabody award.

Look, all we know
is that he worked with Bill.

We don't know for sure
that they were friends.

Really? Then why does he list
Bill as a reference?

I don't know, I didn't notice.
You know, Dave,

truthfully, Bill wasn't always
the easiest person to like.

I mean, we loved him,

but a lot of people found him
kind of abrasive.

Anyway, if this Max Lewis guy
was Bill's friend,

he's probably just
the kind of easy-going,

laid-back kind of guy
we'd want in the office.

Well...

All right,
let's give Max a sh*t.

All right?
Hey.

[PAGER BEEPING]

Pagers. Everybody,
give me your pagers.

Quick, quick, quick,
quick, quick, quick.

Matthew, pager, pager!
What?

[MUFFLED expl*si*n]

Never mind.

That tickled.

[♪]

All right. The guard
called up from the lobby.

Max Lewis should be here
any second.

This is quite
a welcoming committee.

Yeah, would have been,

but the Jimmy James'
Stunt Driving Team

got caught in traffic,
so...

[ELEVATOR DINGS]
Shh. Here he is.

JIMMY:
Hey, Max.

On behalf of all of us
at WNYX, wel--

[CRASHING]

I'm on it.

Right this way, Max.
And, again,

I'm terribly sorry about
that whole elevator fiasco.

Oh, don't be silly.
I enjoyed it. It was fun.

I'm always up for something new
and exciting.

And that's why they call me
"Can-Do Max Lou

is."

Yes.
That's why I think

I would be a great addition
to your operation, Doug.

It's Dave.
Here's my picture and résumé.

I think you'll find I'm highly
qualified and handsome.

Well, I-I know that you are.
That's why I hired you.

So, what sort of a person
are you looking to hire, Doug?

Dave.

Well, you can hire
this Dave fellow,

but I can tell you this,
he's no Max Lewis.

No, Max. I don't think
you understand the situation.

This isn't a job interview.

What? Well, just-- All right,
just give me a chance.

No-- No, no, Max.
Look at my interests.

It really isn't necessary.
No, please.

I don't really. I can't.
No, just give me a chance.

All right. All right.
Special interests.

Um, tai chi.

That is correct.

I studied under the tutelage

of Master Ten Shuck Sung.

That's very impressive.
Uh, avid swimmer.

Freestyle, if you please.

Bowling.
Lifetime average:

One-- Two-ninety.

Uh, and country line dancing.

I'm gonna need your help
on this one.

No, that won't be necessary,
Max, really.

Now, look, Doug,
I know you're thinking,

"How could one man be fired

"from 37 different jobs?

How is that possible?"

Honestly, Max,
it hadn't crossed my mind.

But how is that possible?

That's not important.

What's important is
I've done it all.

Rock, country, chat,
Yes.

hard rock, soft rock,
soft country, soft country chat.

Yes, Max, I know.
But around here,

we pretty much just do all news
all the time.

All what?

All news.

How often?

All the time.

[CHUCKLES]

Bill never mentioned that.

Oh.

Now,

were you guys very close?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Great guy.

Yes, he was.

Did you know he was always
the first person

to call me whenever I got fired?

He called a lot.

Uh, welcome aboard, Max.
I know the rest of the staff

can't wait to meet you,
so why don't--

Wait, wait--
Does this mean I'm hired?

Yes, yes. Yes, it does, Max.

Wow, I can't believe
I pulled that off.

It is rather astonishing.

Who the hell
do you think you are?

[♪]

[♪]

Joseph, I don't know how you
expect me to get any work done

when you're on my computer.

You never do any work. All you
do is play computer solitaire.

Yeah, well,
one man's computer solitaire

is another man's
bread and butter.

What?
I don't...

Just-- Can you get off
my computer, please,

so I can play?

Look, I can't.
Your computer's frozen up.

Well, what am I supposed to do?

Here.

What are these?

It's a real pack of cards.

Play real solitaire.

But I can't.
I just-- I don't--

Oh, yeah,
those look kind of familiar.

Just-- Just play. Go ahead.

[SIGHS]

Wow. For the first time,

this whole Year 2000 thing
is really starting to scare me.

Uh, Lisa?
Yeah?

Lisa, I'd like you to meet Max.

Max, this is Lisa, our other
anchor. Your co-anchor.

You'll be working with her
in the booth there.

It's nice to meet you, Max.

Hello, fellow co-anchor lady.

I was thinking maybe you could
show Max around.

Sure, I'd be happy to.
Great.

I'll be in my office
if you should need me.

Hey, don't worry about us.
We'll be just fine.

[MAX CHUCKLES]

Help. I don't know how to do it.
Do what?

All news, all the time.
I've never done this.

Oh. It's really very simple,
actually.

Then why am I having
a panic att*ck,

the dark-haired radio person?
I-- Lisa, first of all.

Okay, I don't have time
for names. I need a desk.

Okay. Use mine.
Here, use my desk for now.

Just sit down.
Oh, okay, thank you very much.

Thank you. Hey.
This isn't my stuff.

Hey. Hey.

Now, tell me everything
you know about news. Pronto.

What about it?
Everything.

I know nothing about it.

I need information.
I need it five minutes ago.

This isn't helping.

I gotta find somebody
to help me.

You. Who are you?
What do you do?

I'm Joe. I'm the electrician.

No time for names.

Just tell me about the news,
electrical man.

That crap they air
and pretend it's news

or the real news
the government thinks

we're too stupid to understand?

You're obviously useless
and probably drunk!

You are obviously tense,

so why don't you just take
a deep breath and relax.

Okay?
Okay.

I don't have time to breathe.

Let's just stop
with the chitchat

and give me some information
I can use because--

Oh, hello, kitty.
Who have we here?

Beth, this is our new anchor,
Max Lewis. Max, Beth.

Hello, Barbara.

Beth.

Why do you people insist
I learn your names?

What are you trying to do to me?
You're it.

Oh, I get it.

You people want me fired.

No, we don't.

Then why all the head games?

You know, if you want,
I have some muscle relaxers

that I use
for menstrual cramps.

Uh...
Hey, uh...

Eh, no.
No, I gotta stay focused.

Oh, God. God gave me
this chance. I'm gonna blow it!

He's gonna can my ass
in half a second.

[SOBBING]
Is everything okay out here?

Golden, my main man.

Golden.

[♪]

No, no, no, no.

Absolutely not.
I just hired him,

there's no way I'm gonna
turn around and fire him.

Why not? It's not like he's not
expecting it.

He's just a little nervous.

No, Dave, he's not nervous,
he's a masochist.

The guy loves to suffer.

Lisa's right.
LISA: Yeah.

Only a matter of time before
he shows up in a hair shirt

and one of those
black leather zipper masks.

That's a good point.
The thing is that

we're upset about the fact
that he won't even bother

to learn our names.

Face it. Max Lewis has been
a deadweight around our neck

for far too long.

He's only been here two hours.

Did anybody do
a background check on him?

No. Unfortunately, the CIA
field office was closed today

so I didn't have the opportu--

[MUFFLED expl*si*n]

Oh, I'm sorry, dude.

I forgot you keep
your fax machine in there.

You know,
I hate to have to say this,

but I will.

You guys picked him. You'll just
have to live with him.

Whoa, slow down there, David.
You can make me work with him,

but there's no way
I'm living with him.

[♪]

Ah, Max, good.
I wanted to talk to you.

Oh.

Listen, Doug.

You gave me a chance
and I blew it.

So fire away.

No, I'm not gonna fire you.
If you need help, I'll help you.

I'll be you, you be me.
"Max, you're fired." Now you.

"No, it's 38 jobs. Please.
Max,

Thirty eight."
Max, sit down, all right?

You're-- You're not fired,
all right?

You're not fired.
All right?

In fact, I came here to make
a rather bold pronouncement.

Max.

You will not be fired today.

Ah. Tomorrow.
No.

Nor tomorrow.
In fact, Max Lewis,

you will not be fired
for the next two weeks.

You heard me right, Max.

For the next two weeks,

nothing you do
will get you fired.

[SIGHS]

Two whole weeks
of worry-free employment?

That's right.

Hey. Maybe I can actually
move out of the Y.

Max, with two weeks
of guaranteed employment

stretching out before you,
you can relax. Be yourself.

I think we'll all be happy
with the results.

Okay, I--

Okay.

Thank you, Doug.

I can do this.

I-I know that you can, I know.

Now, I've brought in
some, uh--

Some news copy I'd like you
to go over

and let me know--
Mm.

Is-- Is this a work-related
conversation?

Yes.

Oh, well,

Can it wait?
I'm having my lunch.

I just figured that while you're
eating, you could go--

You know what?
I'd hate to point this out,

but paragraph 4-E of the 1987
OSHA Workplace Bylaws

clearly states that an employee

is entitled to one uninterrupted
lunch hour

and two 15-minutes breaks
during each eight-hour work day.

Yes, technically, that's true,
but in news radio--

[MUTTERING]
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

Now, Max--
I'm sorry.

I would love to talk,

but I'm kind of a stickler

about constitutional rights.

Just who I am.

[♪]

Uh, everyone? You win.

I see things your way.
I am going to fire Max.

You can't fire him.
No.

I don't think
that's a good idea.

JOE: Don't do it, dude.
LISA: Don't fire him, Dave.

He got to you, didn't he?

What did he--? What did he do?
What did he say? How did he--?

What-- what?

What evil game are we playing,
little man?

Dave,
Hm?

I know I've been more against
this Max character than anyone,

but, you know, I've done a lot
of stupid things in my time.

No, no, no, I have.

And now that I've gotten to know
him,

I think he's kind of
a smart guy.

Based on what?

Well, Dave, if you're gonna
get technical on me,

I should point out
that I am eating my lunch.

No, no, no. No, no.

All right, all right.

I think that perhaps
we have all lost sight

of why we are here.
Lisa, you know what?

I should point out
that I still am eating my lunch.

Shut up, Matthew.

We're here
because we're a radio station.

Yes, we're friends.
Yes, we love each other.

Blah-blah-blah-blah-blah.
But first and foremost,

we are a radio station.

And your point is?

My point is,
if he's any good on the air,

we keep him.
If he's not, we fire him.

That is a good point,
but how we'll be able to tell

if he's any good on the air?

Well, we could listen
to one of our own broadcasts.

Does anybody have a radio?

A what?

BETH:
I've got one.

MAX [ON RADIO]:
The tariff increase,

but recent declines in trading
with depressed Asian markets

made it inevitable.

Nice voice.

Clean pipes.

Before I go on with the news,

I would like to read
a personal message

to the listening audience.

Okay, here it comes.
Get ready to cut the feed, Joe.

Let me, uh, start off by saying

that I've had a rather spotty
professional career.

To be frank,
I've been fired a lot.

Too many times to count.

Okay, 37.

But so far, the people here
at WNYX haven't fired me.

In fact,
they even let me on the air,

which is promising.

And so, whatever the future
may bring,

I'd like to take the time now
to offer my profoundest thanks

to the whole g*ng here.

The station's owner,
Mr. Jameson,

Barbara,
the red-headed temptress,

Beautiful Brown-Haired
Journalism Woman,

Tall Skinny Guy With Glasses,

Electrical Man, of course.

And especially the man

who has given me the confidence
to be myself,

my new news director,
Dave Nelson.

And most importantly,

I promise to do the best job
I can.

And in doing so,

honor the memory
of my dear friend,

Bill McNeal.

Now, on with the news.

The State Assemblyman,
Bruce Sparks...

Okay. We keep him.

Bipartisan consensus--

I'm sorry, Doug Nelson.

Thanks again, Doug.

[♪]

[♪]